Arielle

"I think the first step in all of this is to like myself and to be comfortable with myself." That is so true. If you can convince yourself that you truly are a good person with lots to offer, the light-hearted banter will fall into place. Can you make a list of all of the good things that you like about yourself? After you look at your list, maybe you can focus on a few of your biggest strengths and really pour yourself into those areas. Do you really think you are dour and boring? (I doubt that's true!) Or do you think there's a sparkling you that's hidden and just needs a chance to shine through? Maybe a place to start would be to try to cheer up your serious and depressed friend. You could rent some really bad but funny movies to get things going. This might not be easy, but I think the only thing you can do is force yourself into some of these situations where you can joke around. It takes practice. If you say some bad joke that falls really flat (which happens to all of us), you can say something like "No wonder I only lasted one night at the Comedy Castle."

Everyone should realize that cross-town driving in heavy traffic is a pain. I'm curious, is she a bad driver, or does she seem to have any phobias about driving?

RW - I'm very sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself! You seem like such a wonderful, caring person with so much to offer. I've seen natural flashes of humor in your other posts, so please don't think of yourself as a dour person. I think you see yourself more negatively than other people do. I like the advice others have given you, and I'll add one more piece. Practice being at ease with people like bank tellers, clerks in coffee shops, etc. Approach them with a friendly smile and try to make a light-hearted remark about the weather or something. Try to pick out something personal about them and make small talk. I guess I'm trying to say, like if your bank teller has a small picture of a child in her work area, remark on how cute the child looks. If you make the effort to make some sort of friendly connection with people throughout the day, it easily becomes a habit. Please just be yourself and don't try to make yourself into someone that you're not. Do you really want to be surrounded by a lot of people who don't appreciate you for who you really are? It may not seem like it at times, but people really are attracted to people who are natural and comfortable with themselves. I've also read in some of your posts that you have health issues, and that can easily prevent people from being warm and bubbly. It's a vicious cycle - a good attitude can help you deal with a condition, but it's hard to have a good attitude when you're in pain! Take care of yourself first and foremost. I don't know if this is an issue with you, but don't be in competition with others to see how much you can get done in a day. Prioritize what absolutely must be accomplished, and make yourself your first priority.

alteer - I like your kick butt attitude! I feel like I'm jumping in too late, but hey, when has that ever stopped me? My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. I too had no closure, and that was the toughest part. It was extremely difficult for me for about 2 months, then the pain seemed to slowly subside. I am now to the point where I can think about things much more rationally. I've worked things out on my own and provided my own closure. I agree with you that there isn't any good that could be accomplished if you heard from him again. I take the attitude that if a person comes into contact with an ex, you can't pick up from where you left off and keep on going as if nothing happened. We'd spend the rest of our relationships like two former enemy soldiers who are willing to be friendly, but at the same time always making sure we're not going to get stabbed in the back. If he were to contact me today, I think I might politely hear him out, then say "Thanks, but no thanks."

Alteer- I think people are giving you very good advice as far as reporting the incidents and trying to take care of the problem right away. I think you can be armed with the knowledge that you are in the right and he has no reason to treat you like dirt. Once per month I used to work with another department on routine month-end projects. I would usually get my work for that department done by about 2:00 pm and there were no problems. Then a new manager was hired for that department, and the manager turned out to be the brother-in-law of the owner. All of a sudden, according to the brother-in-law, the very survival of the company hinged on me finishing up by noon instead of 2:00 pm. He wanted me to show up for work two hours early on those mornings. To make a long story not quite as long, he did everything he could to make my life miserable. My manager told me not to change my hours, but to my knowledge he never told the brother-in-law to back off from me. Because of remodeling, my office was in a secluded spot and Jack- * * * brother-in-law knew he could say whatever he wanted without any witnesses. I knew I had to deal with him right away. I told him that I couldn't stop him from saying what he wanted, but I was not going to respond to him. I also told him whenever he stepped foot in my office I was going to call in witnesses and followup with full reports to my manager. He stopped direct contact with me, but he had his other ways of harassing me, mostly through directing his staff to stop cooperating with me. The happy ending was that several months later he was fired after hours. I happened to still be at the office and I saw him walking to his car awkwardly trying to balance two boxes on top of the other. A co-worker called and told me he was fired. I walked out to the parking lot and asked if I could help carry one of his boxes. He gave me a "if looks could kill" look and didn't say a word.

Glad to hear the news! I have to hand it to you. I had my doubts, but you didn't give up on your girlfriend. It looks like she's going to give it another try. You worked very hard to keep this relationship going and hopefully everything will work out well for you.

I had to giggle a bit when I read this post. After I met my ex he went overseas and we were just casually sending emails back and forth. Then all of a sudden one Monday morning I opened my Inbox and found seven emails from him! I was a bit overwhelmed but mostly I thought it was kind of funny, but sweet, too. I couldn't possibly take the time to answer everything he brought up in all of his messages. I responded that I couldn't send back the same quantity in return, but I also told him I appreciated every message he sent me. He never asked if he was sending me too much, but I felt if it made him happy, I wasn't going to ask him to stop. I think I'm fairly intuitive. But there are times, just like what you are going through now, where I would really appreciate some feedback. Some people aren't used to the direct approach and tend to shrink back. At that point it can get frustrating because you have to use trial and error tactics to see what the other person likes. I guess that's the only advice I can give, which I admit isn't much to go by. It's tough to figure out the ground rules when a relationship first starts, and I hope the two of you get everything sorted out. Once a couple gets the parameters set, things become a lot easier after that.

I know exactly what you mean about how much we need this site. It's tough to actually talk to people about how it feels to break up. I know I'm guilty of quickly changing the subject if someone goes on too much about an ex. But you're right, we sure feel the need to communicate to someone as we work through these issues.

I make myself laugh when I think of this. My mostly cyber friend dumped me over 2 months ago by writing a very short, almost cryptic email. I wrote a slightly longer message back, and one of the things I asked for was clarification. It sounds like "Gee, what part of 'get lost and don't come back' didn't I understand?" He of course didn't write that to me, but I almost wish he did. There wouldn't have been any doubt in my mind of how he felt about me. When I received the message it really shook me up, more than I ever expected. It took me a few hours to write a reply back to him. I felt physically ill. I wanted to write more to him, or write him back a few days later, but I couldn't. For the first time in my life I had writer's block. I guess NC wasn't as big of an issue as I thought it was. I really don't think I could have written anything meaningful to him until a few weeks ago.

I don't think my opinion has changed one bit. When you told us about asking her all of those questions, I thought you were going to say that she was going to accuse you of being insincere or phony. Or maybe you were over-anxious and trying too hard. It threw me when you said that when you asked her about her foot she took it as a negative comment! Did she think you were criticizing her for maybe not doing everything she could to get her foot treated? She sounds pretty insecure regardless. I think it sounds like you two are simply operating at different levels. You're doing everything you can to make the relationship work. She's doing everything she can to sabotage the relationship, whether she means to or not. As far as having her read self-help books, I don't know if that will work. I certainly have my faults and I'm totally aware of them. But I wouldn't be thrilled if anyone pointed them out to me and gave me a book to read so I could correct my faults.

I am truly sorry if I offended anybody by saying that I believe in love at first sight. I might be overly sensitive but I feel that my response is being belittled. I am honest about what I feel and I do not intend to mislead anyone. I certainly don't want to encourage people to think that it happens all of the time and it wasn't my intention to give anyone false hope. It is something that I experienced and I would be lying to myself and to everybody around me if I denied it. It only happened once, and I don't expect it to happen again. I don't have any expectations that I will recognize my next true love the moment I set eyes on him. I'm not a child who believes in fairy tales, and I am up to the wonderful challenge of meeting new people, getting to know them, and possibly be able to grow into a long-term relationship. If anyone cares to discuss my "love at first sight" experience any further, I'd be happy to reply to a PM.

I'm afraid all I can say again is that it's up to her now. You really love her and you're willing to do everything to keep the relationship going. It looks like she's tried but she just might not be up to the challenge. She might not think that people should have to work so hard to maintain a relationship. You have my sympathy, and I hope you are able to get some sort of resolution to this.

Orvil, I don't envy you at all! I really think you should pick Girl B and stick with her. You committed to visiting her in the US and she is really expecting your undivided attention. If I was her I'd be very upset if the man who was coming to meet me had someone lined up on the side in case things don't work out. And just the fact that you do have someone lined up I think would make it easier for you to find faults with Girl B so you could scurry off to see Girl A. And not to mention the problems involved if Girl A finds out about Girl B and vice versa! If things don't work out with Girl B, it's too bad Girl A already knows about your visit to the US. You could otherwise just call her unannounced and say "Hey, I'm in the US and I'd like to see you." But we all suffer from bad timing and missed opportunities in life. Otherwise Robert Frost never would have been able to write the poem "The Road Not Taken". Because of bad timing we miss out on job opportunities, schooling, chances for better apartments, etc., as well as a chance to meet the mate of our dreams. It's never a fun decision to make, but I'd hate to see you make your life way too complicated than it needs to be. Personally I think you should give Girl B a chance, but if it's too hard on you, maybe you should take the drastic step of cancelling your US trip altogether! I don't like playing the part of telling people not to have any fun in their life, but it is my honest opinion. I hope it gives you something to think about, and I hope other people answer your post! Best of luck to you.

Wow! That was quite a post, Cloudchaser! Prenkle, I feel your pain, too. I'm currently not actively looking to date for various personal reasons, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life like that. A lot of people will ask "How come you don't date?" The truth of the matter is, nobody asks me out! I don't have a lot in common with most people. I've been described as odd, quirky, marches to her own drummer, that sort of thing. I'm also considered a Plain Jane. However, every once in a while I'll meet men who are quite similar to me and will go absolutely nuts over me. I trust that there are more men out there, so I don't worry about not having a huge supply of men fawning over me. I don't know if this is practical advice for you, but I think if you keep cultivating your best qualities, someone will appreciate you eventually.

I believe in love at first sight because it happened to me. My husband and I both knew the moment we set eyes on each other that we were meant to be. We were together for 15 years until he passed away 5 years ago. I know this is far from typical, but I personally know it can happen.