HardShowingAffection

No, I don't get pleasure from looking. I mean, it is not a painful experience by any means, but it is just something that catches my eye, and that is the end of it. I don't sit there and gawk, or the image doesn't run through my mind. Even if the girl was totally beautiful, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. As long as you don't take it too far, and are not disrespectful in the process. Are you supposed to walk around with blinders on? I never compared my ex with anyone else. I loved my ex for who she was, and that is exactly why I loved her. She wasn't perfect, but neither am I... I just felt we were perfect for one another, and that was all that mattered. I think it has part to do with being secure with yourself, and I admit, that I have even had those issues. You have to be comfortable with yourself, love yourself... if you start taking those insecurities out on your partner, you are doing more damage than good. And why would you want to hurt the one that you love? It is silly. This is something that I have had to realize, and am still working on. If you really sit back and look at yourself, and your actions, and the effects that they have, it may amaze you. Love yourself, be happy with yourself, and then you will be able to love another whole heartedly.

Read the book, "The Four Agreements".... NEVER make ASSUMPTIONS. Go off facts, not assumptions, otherwise, you may very well regret it later. Assumptions can get the best of you, in all aspects of life... find the truth.

I would call him back and find out what his intentions are. Or agree to meet with him once and see where things go. But.... after that call, or meeting, if there is not a chance of rekindling the relationship, I would back off and take the time to heal yourself. Don't get strung along, you are better than that. But I think you SHOULD make the attempt. Time to suck up the pride and ego, and lay it out there. Don't overwhelm him, but if he knows how you feel, and you did your best, what else can someone ask of you? But if you don't... that always leaves the door open to "what-ifs". It is a sense of closure for yourself, you can walk away saying you gave everything you had... whether it is willing to grow, willing to give it another shot, willing to forgive, show your love, whatever. You can hold your head high, knowing you gave it your all. Life is good. If they do not want to be there after that, you deserve better.

Sounds like you guys need to sit back and look at your relationship before it is too late. Don't let it get to the point where one of you walks, because then you will reflect back on it, and wonder why you did so many stupid things. If you are both willing to work at things, try picking up a book like "Relationship Rescue". It is an amazing book that will get you back on track! It was a truly amazing read. It sounds like maybe little things are just building up, and you might be choosing to argue about the littlest things, even though they aren't at the core of the issue... just a hunch. Remember to focus on the good, and send the relationship in a positive direction. Each and every action that you take leads your relationship in one direction or another, whether you are the initial actor, or just reacting. You control where your relationship is heading, remember that!

I am going to have to agree with doyathink on this one. If you love the girl, and truly miss her, suck up your pride, set aside the ego and give everything you have. That is the only way a successful relationship is going to work. IF you two are going to be scorekeepers, as in, you did this, I did that... etc. you will never win, and you might as well just forget it. I can understand why you might not feel you are able to trust her right away, nor should you. That has to be earned. Built back up over time. The important thing is that you two need to work together as a team to reach your goals. Make your needs met, and work towards them each and every day. If you are only looking out for you, then the relationship is doomed. Yes, you were hurt, yes, you hurt her, but work together to heal those wounds, and grow stronger together. Both of you need to be willing to put forth your best efforts. Your pride and ego have no place in a relationship, so don't let it stand in the way... the only thing you can do is love.

I don't think guys always want to get back with their exs. My first GF, of 3.5 years broke up with me. We were planning on getting engaged (actually had picked out some diamonds), all that good stuff. Anyways, she left. My first love, blah blah blah. Well, school let out (she was like 21, I was like 23), she went down to Texas for the summer, I was still in Ohio. She contacted on occasion. Well, when she came back for school, we had contact, I was going to be up where she was, and we agreed to have dinner. We went out casually, just had some wings and chatted. Well, after that, it was back to my buddies house, where I was going out with some friends for the evening. Told her she could meet up with us at the bars if she wanted to... she wanted to. At the bars, she was all happy, maybe a bit flirtatious, but it didn't matter. While I was curious as to how she was doing, and wished her well, I didn't want anything more. I was happy for her in her situation, and I was happy with me. She actually invited me back to her place, and wanted me to spend the night... I said.. no thanks. That was that.... This was someone that nobody thought I would ever be over, and to this day I DO think she is a great girl, however, what was done, was done. I had moved on, and am happy with that decision. So, despite her efforts, it didn't matter, I was in a different place. If you have doubts, talk about it with him. Maybe he does still care, but don't make assumptions! They will get the best of you, and make the situation much worse than it is! Being paranoid, or overbearing could cause a strain between you two, and you don't want to put distance, tension, anger, or any negative vibes between you two! Be open, honest, and just communicate with him. That is key! Tell him to put himself in your shoes and see what he thinks... maybe you are overreacting, maybe not... but don't make assumptions!

I would talk to him, and tell him just what you have told us. Let him know that this does not come naturally to you, even though it does to him. Tell him that you want to be open and honest, and that you are willing to work on this, and want to do it, for both of you. He will be understanding, and it is something that the two of you can work on together. Teamwork is key here. You two need to establish these goals, and work towards them together. He can be a very positive part in this experience, and who better to learn with, than your partner?! Sit him down, he will understand.

Congrats on the progress! Just remember that you really need to address the issues the broke you two apart in the first place, so that they do not occur again! Also remember that you contribute to the direction of your relationship with everything you do! Whether it is starting an argument, or just reacting to something he says/does. You determine the direction your relationship is heading. I know it is difficult, and much easier said than done, but you have to be positive! Remember to focus on the positive, that will help you deal with the negatives, and maintain an upward trend in the relationship! Work together as a team to reach your goals and build one another up! That is how successful relationships work!

Are you two the ones that did the dumping? If so, I think it is on your shoulders to do the contacting. Being the dumpee, you don't want to get false hopes, and are probably being a bit protective of yourself after what has happened. I mean, think about how silly it all sounds. You both really care about one another, yet you let pride and perhaps an ego get in the way of communication and seeing if there is a chance of reconcilliation. What do you have to lose? You contact them, and find out they don't want to persue anything? Who cares... then you move on and close that chapter in your life. On the other side, you contact him, you initiate, you see where they stand, and you can possibly reconcile and have a happy healthy relationship if you address the issues that you had before. Life is good. And if you don't contact? Well, you hope that they will, and if they don't you will probably always think "what-if". No thanks. Personally, if it were me, I would lay it out there. If you give it your all, and it is not enough, then you are better off without, but how can you regret that? You did your best, and that is all that matters. There comes a point where you have to set your ego and pride aside, wear your heart on your sleeve, and just love. It feels good, no matter the outcome, and how can anyone ever hold that against you? I mean, seriously, who cares if you are the one trying. If it is what you want, go for it. What is the worse that can happen? Someone say... oh no, she loved you too much, and she tried to make things great. Is that a bad thing? I am one that has also learned this, and have learned that it is better to be happy than right. It is better to love with all my heart than to worry about pride and my ego. Just a lil food for thought. Got a book for both of you that you might want to pick up and read that will open your eyes to a few things. It is called: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Check it out, you won't be disappointed. It is a short read that will change your lives! Good luck to both of you!

I think it is natural for guys to look at other women, to an extent... but I agree in the fact that it should not be constant, drooling over them, or being disrespectful. My ex used to get upset if she caught me looking at someone else, and it would be totally innocent on my part, just a glance. I used to tell her that I just looked... nothing else... and that if she wasn't the one that I want to be with, and loved with my whole heart, then I wouldn't be with her. I mean, it seemed like she would get upset if a music video came on that had skimpy dressed women on.... and I was like... ummmm, how can you get upset, when it is on TV. I didn't understand how I could be in the wrong there. It wasn't like I was looking for it, it just came on. Now, how I handled those situations matters too. If I was like "damn.... she is hot" or "I would love to do dirty things to her", that would be disrespectful and I could see her being upset. However, it was there... in front of me, and I love her, and only her. To reaffirm her of that is important, and all women seem to need those emotional affirmations, especially at times like this. I would recommend this book for you: "For Women Only : What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn It lays out men's thinking patterns, and why they do it. It helps you understand why they do what they are doing, and I think it gives some pretty good insight that you probably did not understand. It doesn't take long to read, however, I think that you can get alot out of it. If you think it is excessive, say something to him. Don't be negative about it though, as he will probably feel like you are attacking him, and he might get defensive. Just let him know how it makes you feel, and see what his reaction is. If he knows that it bothers you that much, I bet he will stop, or at least let up a bit. Communication is key! If he doesn't know the extent at which something bothers you, how can he make the situation better?

I would really be careful with your approach here. Have you really focused on where you guys fell short, and addressed those issues within yourself? It is important to realize that whether you were the cause of the situation or not, how you act/react ultimately helps steer your relationship in the direction that it is heading. You also seem to be stirred up quite easily. Almost seems like you still have quite a bit of anger, frustration, and/or resentment built towards him. If that is the case, you need to release that, and forgive him.... for YOU! If you are not willing to move past things in the past, you will probably hold these against him moving forward in the future, and that is not fair to either of you. If you need more time to grow within yourself, to forgive him for what he has done, then by all means, take that time! You do not want to get back in the relationship, have it be great for a short period of time, then fall back into the same ruts that you ended the last one on! You really need to look at yourself and grow here! This is a great opportunity for both of you to grow! Don't rush back into it. Personally, if I were you, I would pick up a few books, and really dig into yourself, and your relationship. Understand both to a much greater extent. Then you will be able to work together as a team to meet one anothers' needs, and make this relationship flourish!

Communication is key here. If I were you, I would call him up and discuss things. Like mentioned above, if it is legit... ie. school, work, or other important things, you have to understand and respect that. If he is just blowing you off, then that is another issue. I also agree with the fact that leaving is not the correct way to handle things. It screws with both people in the relationship. The 'dumpee' feels rejected and that might build some frustration, anger, or resentment. You need to talk to him. It can leave a bad taste in your mouth if you let it. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is an essential ingredient in successful relationships! Be open and honest about your feelings. If he tends to 'close you up', let him know. He needs to know your needs, you need to know his. You need to work together as a team to reach both of your needs! I would also recommend reading a relationship book or two. Or a communication book to get you on the right track. Get some advice from a third party. But I cannot argue about the break-up being necessary to make changes either. When my ex left me 2 months ago, it opened my eyes up BIG time to alot of things. It caused me to look into myself so much more, and read a ton about everything... relationships, communication, self-help. It changed my world 100%. However, a good heart to heart talk with my ex about those things that are bothering her, her concerns, would have also done the same thing. I would have gladly looked at things a bit deeper, tried to meet all her needs, but that communication was not there. Good luck!

I read a book called "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness". It was a great short book. Some cases were might be pretty extreme, but there were a lot of key points in the book. Basically, what I got out of it is this. Jealousy is a behavior. Behaviors are learned over time. Behaviors can also be unlearned! No matter how long you have entertained this behavior, you have the ability to change it! You control your mind! Granted, your mind is a powerful thing, but you have the ability to change it and make it work FOR you, not against you! Force those thoughts out of your mind. Remind yourself of the good things in your relationship. After all, he is with YOU! If he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't be there! Remember that! Being jealous or possessive will only push him away and hurt yourself, even though you might feel you are trying to protect and hold onto something you love so much. Pick up that book, it was really good, and I think will help you out alot. I got it on link removed for like $5 used. Well worth it, and it will take you like 2 evenings to read.

Hey, just wondering how things are going with you? I imagine you have had some more time to reflect on things. By the way, if you want a few recommendations on some books that might help you out, let me know, I have read a bunch over the past two months, and they have had a HUGE impact on me!

No problem Nikki, just glad that I can help. After going through what I have gone through, and learning what I have learned, grown how I have grown, it really makes me happy to be able to extend some help to others. If you have a chance, let me recommend two books that I have read that were absolutely amazing: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz They are simple, easy to read books that have totally changed my view on life and the way I look at everyday situations. I would highly recommend them, and think they could have an amazing impact on your life! Check them out, you won't be sorry!