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Arielle

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Everything posted by Arielle

  1. Arielle
    "I think the first step in all of this is to like myself and to be comfortable with myself." That is so true. If you can convince yourself that you truly are a good person with lots to offer, the light-hearted banter will fall into place. Can you make a list of all of the good things that you like about yourself? After you look at your list, maybe you can focus on a few of your biggest strengths and really pour yourself into those areas. Do you really think you are dour and boring? (I doubt that's true!) Or do you think there's a sparkling you that's hidden and just needs a chance to shine through? Maybe a place to start would be to try to cheer up your serious and depressed friend. You could rent some really bad but funny movies to get things going. This might not be easy, but I think the only thing you can do is force yourself into some of these situations where you can joke around. It takes practice. If you say some bad joke that falls really flat (which happens to all of us), you can say something like "No wonder I only lasted one night at the Comedy Castle."
  2. Arielle
    Everyone should realize that cross-town driving in heavy traffic is a pain. I'm curious, is she a bad driver, or does she seem to have any phobias about driving?
  3. Arielle
    RW - I'm very sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself! You seem like such a wonderful, caring person with so much to offer. I've seen natural flashes of humor in your other posts, so please don't think of yourself as a dour person. I think you see yourself more negatively than other people do. I like the advice others have given you, and I'll add one more piece. Practice being at ease with people like bank tellers, clerks in coffee shops, etc. Approach them with a friendly smile and try to make a light-hearted remark about the weather or something. Try to pick out something personal about them and make small talk. I guess I'm trying to say, like if your bank teller has a small picture of a child in her work area, remark on how cute the child looks. If you make the effort to make some sort of friendly connection with people throughout the day, it easily becomes a habit. Please just be yourself and don't try to make yourself into someone that you're not. Do you really want to be surrounded by a lot of people who don't appreciate you for who you really are? It may not seem like it at times, but people really are attracted to people who are natural and comfortable with themselves. I've also read in some of your posts that you have health issues, and that can easily prevent people from being warm and bubbly. It's a vicious cycle - a good attitude can help you deal with a condition, but it's hard to have a good attitude when you're in pain! Take care of yourself first and foremost. I don't know if this is an issue with you, but don't be in competition with others to see how much you can get done in a day. Prioritize what absolutely must be accomplished, and make yourself your first priority.
  4. Arielle
    alteer - I like your kick butt attitude! I feel like I'm jumping in too late, but hey, when has that ever stopped me? My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. I too had no closure, and that was the toughest part. It was extremely difficult for me for about 2 months, then the pain seemed to slowly subside. I am now to the point where I can think about things much more rationally. I've worked things out on my own and provided my own closure. I agree with you that there isn't any good that could be accomplished if you heard from him again. I take the attitude that if a person comes into contact with an ex, you can't pick up from where you left off and keep on going as if nothing happened. We'd spend the rest of our relationships like two former enemy soldiers who are willing to be friendly, but at the same time always making sure we're not going to get stabbed in the back. If he were to contact me today, I think I might politely hear him out, then say "Thanks, but no thanks."
  5. Arielle
    Alteer- I think people are giving you very good advice as far as reporting the incidents and trying to take care of the problem right away. I think you can be armed with the knowledge that you are in the right and he has no reason to treat you like dirt. Once per month I used to work with another department on routine month-end projects. I would usually get my work for that department done by about 2:00 pm and there were no problems. Then a new manager was hired for that department, and the manager turned out to be the brother-in-law of the owner. All of a sudden, according to the brother-in-law, the very survival of the company hinged on me finishing up by noon instead of 2:00 pm. He wanted me to show up for work two hours early on those mornings. To make a long story not quite as long, he did everything he could to make my life miserable. My manager told me not to change my hours, but to my knowledge he never told the brother-in-law to back off from me. Because of remodeling, my office was in a secluded spot and Jack- * * * brother-in-law knew he could say whatever he wanted without any witnesses. I knew I had to deal with him right away. I told him that I couldn't stop him from saying what he wanted, but I was not going to respond to him. I also told him whenever he stepped foot in my office I was going to call in witnesses and followup with full reports to my manager. He stopped direct contact with me, but he had his other ways of harassing me, mostly through directing his staff to stop cooperating with me. The happy ending was that several months later he was fired after hours. I happened to still be at the office and I saw him walking to his car awkwardly trying to balance two boxes on top of the other. A co-worker called and told me he was fired. I walked out to the parking lot and asked if I could help carry one of his boxes. He gave me a "if looks could kill" look and didn't say a word.
  6. Arielle
    Glad to hear the news! I have to hand it to you. I had my doubts, but you didn't give up on your girlfriend. It looks like she's going to give it another try. You worked very hard to keep this relationship going and hopefully everything will work out well for you.
  7. Arielle
    I had to giggle a bit when I read this post. After I met my ex he went overseas and we were just casually sending emails back and forth. Then all of a sudden one Monday morning I opened my Inbox and found seven emails from him! I was a bit overwhelmed but mostly I thought it was kind of funny, but sweet, too. I couldn't possibly take the time to answer everything he brought up in all of his messages. I responded that I couldn't send back the same quantity in return, but I also told him I appreciated every message he sent me. He never asked if he was sending me too much, but I felt if it made him happy, I wasn't going to ask him to stop. I think I'm fairly intuitive. But there are times, just like what you are going through now, where I would really appreciate some feedback. Some people aren't used to the direct approach and tend to shrink back. At that point it can get frustrating because you have to use trial and error tactics to see what the other person likes. I guess that's the only advice I can give, which I admit isn't much to go by. It's tough to figure out the ground rules when a relationship first starts, and I hope the two of you get everything sorted out. Once a couple gets the parameters set, things become a lot easier after that.
  8. Arielle
    I know exactly what you mean about how much we need this site. It's tough to actually talk to people about how it feels to break up. I know I'm guilty of quickly changing the subject if someone goes on too much about an ex. But you're right, we sure feel the need to communicate to someone as we work through these issues.
  9. Arielle
    I make myself laugh when I think of this. My mostly cyber friend dumped me over 2 months ago by writing a very short, almost cryptic email. I wrote a slightly longer message back, and one of the things I asked for was clarification. It sounds like "Gee, what part of 'get lost and don't come back' didn't I understand?" He of course didn't write that to me, but I almost wish he did. There wouldn't have been any doubt in my mind of how he felt about me. When I received the message it really shook me up, more than I ever expected. It took me a few hours to write a reply back to him. I felt physically ill. I wanted to write more to him, or write him back a few days later, but I couldn't. For the first time in my life I had writer's block. I guess NC wasn't as big of an issue as I thought it was. I really don't think I could have written anything meaningful to him until a few weeks ago.
  10. Arielle
    I don't think my opinion has changed one bit. When you told us about asking her all of those questions, I thought you were going to say that she was going to accuse you of being insincere or phony. Or maybe you were over-anxious and trying too hard. It threw me when you said that when you asked her about her foot she took it as a negative comment! Did she think you were criticizing her for maybe not doing everything she could to get her foot treated? She sounds pretty insecure regardless. I think it sounds like you two are simply operating at different levels. You're doing everything you can to make the relationship work. She's doing everything she can to sabotage the relationship, whether she means to or not. As far as having her read self-help books, I don't know if that will work. I certainly have my faults and I'm totally aware of them. But I wouldn't be thrilled if anyone pointed them out to me and gave me a book to read so I could correct my faults.
  11. Arielle
    I am truly sorry if I offended anybody by saying that I believe in love at first sight. I might be overly sensitive but I feel that my response is being belittled. I am honest about what I feel and I do not intend to mislead anyone. I certainly don't want to encourage people to think that it happens all of the time and it wasn't my intention to give anyone false hope. It is something that I experienced and I would be lying to myself and to everybody around me if I denied it. It only happened once, and I don't expect it to happen again. I don't have any expectations that I will recognize my next true love the moment I set eyes on him. I'm not a child who believes in fairy tales, and I am up to the wonderful challenge of meeting new people, getting to know them, and possibly be able to grow into a long-term relationship. If anyone cares to discuss my "love at first sight" experience any further, I'd be happy to reply to a PM.
  12. Arielle
    I'm afraid all I can say again is that it's up to her now. You really love her and you're willing to do everything to keep the relationship going. It looks like she's tried but she just might not be up to the challenge. She might not think that people should have to work so hard to maintain a relationship. You have my sympathy, and I hope you are able to get some sort of resolution to this.
  13. Arielle
    Orvil, I don't envy you at all! I really think you should pick Girl B and stick with her. You committed to visiting her in the US and she is really expecting your undivided attention. If I was her I'd be very upset if the man who was coming to meet me had someone lined up on the side in case things don't work out. And just the fact that you do have someone lined up I think would make it easier for you to find faults with Girl B so you could scurry off to see Girl A. And not to mention the problems involved if Girl A finds out about Girl B and vice versa! If things don't work out with Girl B, it's too bad Girl A already knows about your visit to the US. You could otherwise just call her unannounced and say "Hey, I'm in the US and I'd like to see you." But we all suffer from bad timing and missed opportunities in life. Otherwise Robert Frost never would have been able to write the poem "The Road Not Taken". Because of bad timing we miss out on job opportunities, schooling, chances for better apartments, etc., as well as a chance to meet the mate of our dreams. It's never a fun decision to make, but I'd hate to see you make your life way too complicated than it needs to be. Personally I think you should give Girl B a chance, but if it's too hard on you, maybe you should take the drastic step of cancelling your US trip altogether! I don't like playing the part of telling people not to have any fun in their life, but it is my honest opinion. I hope it gives you something to think about, and I hope other people answer your post! Best of luck to you.
  14. Arielle
    Wow! That was quite a post, Cloudchaser! Prenkle, I feel your pain, too. I'm currently not actively looking to date for various personal reasons, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life like that. A lot of people will ask "How come you don't date?" The truth of the matter is, nobody asks me out! I don't have a lot in common with most people. I've been described as odd, quirky, marches to her own drummer, that sort of thing. I'm also considered a Plain Jane. However, every once in a while I'll meet men who are quite similar to me and will go absolutely nuts over me. I trust that there are more men out there, so I don't worry about not having a huge supply of men fawning over me. I don't know if this is practical advice for you, but I think if you keep cultivating your best qualities, someone will appreciate you eventually.
  15. Arielle
    I believe in love at first sight because it happened to me. My husband and I both knew the moment we set eyes on each other that we were meant to be. We were together for 15 years until he passed away 5 years ago. I know this is far from typical, but I personally know it can happen.
  16. Arielle
    I'm not as far along in my breakup as you, but I had a big relapse this past weekend. My children keep me busy during the day, but it's hard when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. Luckily I can think about my children and get over the heart-pounding worst of it. I seemed to get over the relapse fairly quickly, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to me again. Relapses are unpleasant, but I don't they are abnormal. We can just hope they get easier to deal with and that they will eventually stop happening.
  17. Arielle
    That's a tough one for me to answer. I can see that you really want to work hard to save this relationship. It doesn't seem like she's willing to put in the same amount of effort. You said in your message that she knows you're trying to make amends, but it doesn't seem to be enough for her. I guess you have too much shared history for her to forget about and forge ahead. I personally think you've done just about everything you can and it's up to her to decide whether she wants to go back to you. Is she kind of high-maintenance? If you corrected all of your perceived faults, would she keep finding additional faults to get upset over? I hate being too nosy, but is there any one particular thing you love about her that makes it so difficult to have her out of your life? If you don't want to answer it, that's OK. I know I'm not being very encouraging, so I hope someone else can come up with a better solution for you.
  18. Arielle
    Since my situation was a little different I'm not sure it's even "on topic". But I'll give it a shot. I met my boyfriend first while he was enjoying a long vacation in the United States (visiting his parents). He lives and works overseas. It's a bit complicated and you can look at my previous posts. But we were fine with having a cyber relationship, with occasional visits a few times per year. I hate talking to anyone on the phone overseas because of that lag time between when someone talks and someone actually hears what you're saying, so we communicated mostly by email. It's a tough way to communicate because you don't know what the other person is thinking while you're typing your message. Face to face, you can tell if someone is not understanding what you are saying and you can change how you're approaching them. In email communications, they can misunderstand what you are saying and it can take a few messages back and forth before things get smoothed over. We eventually broke up, and I think the limitations of emailing played a large part. However, I figure just because it happened once doesn't mean it will always happen. We had wonderful email conversations and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again in the context of meeting someone new online and eventually setting up a meeting. All right!!! I just put in my two cents worth!!!
  19. Arielle
    I feel bad when I can't think of the magic words that can make people feel better. All I can say is that please don't be so down on yourself. If you knew ahead of time what would happen with the relationship you obviously never would have entered into it. We don't have crystal balls, but we do have hindsight. We're blessed because we have the power to keep things in the past and look forward to a brighter future. Life's going to suck for a while, but hopefully things will get better for you, sooner rather than later. Good luck with everything.
  20. Arielle
    Hard Showing Affection - Hey, thanks for saying what I was trying to spit out. Everybody makes mistakes and it's tough when people keep holding them against you, or keep feeling resentment towards you. We do make mistakes and we do grow from our mistakes. I think really compatible people are able to put these things aside and keep going on. But just maybe, we make mistakes that can't be forgiven, and just hope we don't repeat these mistakes in the next relationship. I didn't get the sense that you're a total jerk, but that might not be the point. No one is perfect. And it's tough going on where you think your partner is keeping track of how many mistakes you make. And just maybe if you reach a critical number of mistakes the partner decides to end the relationship? We know there are a lot of issues involved, and we just can't run roughshod over our partners' feelings. But it is true that it would be nice for couples to support each other and help each other grow.
  21. Arielle
    I'm having a hard time composing my thoughts but I'll give it a try. And I think it's on target to what you are saying. I've been wondering lately, why is it some couples are open to each other and can work through their differences? How come some couples are better at agreeing to disagree? I think maturity might be an issue. When we're younger we are a lot more insecure as to who we are. We're still trying to establish our identities and criticisms seem to hurt more. We can take innocent remarks totally out of context and think we are being insulted. As we get older we tend to become more accepting of who we are. And if someone doesn't like something about us, we tend to shrug it off because we know we can't please everyone. My mostly cyber boyfriend (but we had wonderful times when we were actually together) could be pretty abrasive at times. I am mild-mannered. I learned early on to challenge him, defend myself and give it right back to him. He respected me for it and we had very healthy discussions about how we felt about things. We didn't always end up agreeing with each other, but we cared enough about each other so that we could accept our differences. I honestly thought we could talk about anything together, but in the end I guess even we had our limits. Why couldn't we work things out? Maybe we weren't meant to be? Maybe love has to be much deeper to overcome these things. Am I making sense and am I saying anything remotely close to what you are thinking?
  22. Arielle
    I agree with Scruffism on feeling a duty to pay back. This forum helped me out tremendously, but I'm not going to spend my life here. It seemed selfish to post about my problems then vanish as quickly as I appeared. I hoped to give encouragement to others, which in turn I think helped make me stronger.
  23. Arielle
    Thank you for giving us the update. You realize what a wonderful, caring wife you now have? That is true love and friendship, to have someone who knows everything about you and still loves and cares for you. Treat her good, and I hope you have a wonderful future together.
  24. Arielle
    Thanks for joining the Board, Ocean of Tears. I was the same way - I lurked for a couple of months before jumping on board. I wish I would have joined on Day 1 of my breakup, and I encourage anyone reading this not to be afraid to post their first message. I joined not too long ago, and I'm sure I bored more than a few people with my long first post. There are a lot of advantages to having shorter posts. However, with longer posts 1) you are giving yourself some good therapy by verbalizing your thoughts and 2) you are allowing people to know more about you and giving them a chance to find more common ground. I was struck about how you noticed a subtle difference after Christmas. I had a mostly cyber relationship, but I did see my ex about 6 times in the last few years, and I last saw him shortly after Christmas. We had a wonderful time together (or so I thought) for about 4 days before he had to fly back overseas. I didn't realize it at the time, but after he broke up with me, and I looked back at old emails to see if I missed any clues, I noticed there was a very subtle difference in his messages. He was saying all of the right things, but he also seemed more critical than usual, and it seemed some of the old warmth was missing. Is it wrong to jump into a relationship thinking it's "the right one"? That's a tough one, and I hope other people answer. I think all we can do is give you our past experiences. My late husband and I fell in love with each other the moment we met and we had a wonderful marriage. My ex and I were "just friends" for several months, then our relationship slowly built into something that was so deep and caring, then it disappeared like a puff of smoke. I'd hate for you to lose out on the most wonderful person in the world just because you have preconceived notions of how a relationship should start. Keep posting! We all care about you.
  25. Arielle
    Thank you for the inspirational post! It must be so healing to remember the good times more than the bad times. You helped me changed my way of thinking just by reading your message. My boyfriend was such an incredible person and he opened me up to a completely different, positive outlook on life. I am starting to realize how fortunate I was to receive such a wonderful gift from him that I can always treasure. I think everyone has a lot of good in them, and I think it's great how you have chosen to make your life better by remembering the good in your ex. Three cheers for you!!!
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