BeStrongBeHappy

hmmm... very odd. so is she not gonna have sex the rest of her life because she is afraid of a UTI... sex CAN contribute to UTIs if you don't empty your bladder afterwards, but then nobody would have sex if UTIs universally caused it all the time. sounds like an excuse to not have sex... are you sure that she doesnt have a worse problem, like herpes or genital warts of something that requires longer treatment that she is keeping from you? either that, or she's decided she can do without sex...

they could be swingers, and lots of them 'befriend' people for a while then suggest a get together... which you should just turn down and say that neither of you are interested in that and never will be. you then have to decide whether she is someone you want to be friends with or not after this, outside of anything else. she may go back to never mentioning it again, but then if you feel too uncomfortable with them, and your boyfriend does as well, it might be best just to cut contact with them as a couple. swinging is a pretty different lifestyle, and if you're not inclined to it, then it could get awkward every time you see them or one of them has too much a drink and comes onto you or your boyfriend.

i think your problem could become how 'normal' is she? can she accept just a fling, or will she be stalking you and crying and calling people you know etc. if she decides she's really attached to you after the sex, and can't live without you. also, what if she is desperate to hang onto you and gets pregnant... it happens. so i think that if she is obssessed enough to come after you after 4 years have passed, there is definitely someone more going on in her head than just a no strings attached hookup. so you could warn her all you want about 'it's just sex' and that you're leaving, but she may not listen, and could even move to your new town to continue chasing you. so indulge if you want, but there might be more consequences there than you expect because she seems rather determined to 'get' you.

i think you can't get her 'out' of your social circle of friends, but you can decide not to invite her to your house or do things in the group when she is there... but that really doesn't solve your problem. if your marriage is strong from the inside out, then she will not be a temptation (and if she is strong with her own husband it may not be an issue either). but it sounds like your marriage has descended into a platonic friendship without the spice and intimacy of sex and closeness, which often leads to this kind of problem, where he falls into it with someone else. so even if you drummed her out of your circle, he might be attracted to someone else because he is missing intimacy in his life with you, and you can't separate him from all women in an attempt to keep him. so i really think you should NOT overlook this and 'maybe' work on your marriage later, do it right now, and hope that they have not already started an affair and it is too late. It is a very common thing that happens, where a middle aged marriage falls apart when one partner goes outside the marriage for intimacy, so please go immediately to marriage counseling to try to get back on track, even if you think he is not cheating yet, he may be, or may be soon, and the next step after that is frequently a divorce. so take it seriously and focus on your relationship with him rather than trying to cut her out. if he really wants to see her, he will do it behind your back, and cutting her out of your social circles just won't work.

just draw a line through the address and write 'Not at this address' and put it back in the mail... he will get the point when it takes an extra week to get forwarded to him... don't destroy it though, i think that's illegal to destroy someone else's mail... you could email him and tell him he better give his forwarding address to the post office because you are marking it return to sender... but don't reply to any reply he sends, he sounds like a jerk, better off gone!

it sounds like you are at different life stages right now, and might have different priorities (him a cuddler, you wanting hot sex)... so there's no reason to rush to break up OR stay together, especially since you don't want to marry at this point... he's either going to accept that and try to meet you halfway, or else you will drift further apart because you want different things right now, or have different personalities/sex drives etc.

i actually feel sorry for her because she can't seem to go without a guy for more than a nanosecond. she could also be a bit jealous of your continuing to have a relationship when she is alone. and she can't 'take' your boyfriend unless he wants to be taken, so first make sure that you and he are clear on what his boundaries are with her, or any other woman. then next time you see her, do NOT talk about your own relationship, but talk about her and her feelings, i.e., help her get over her loss of her boyfriend and actively move towards dating someone who is available to her (not your boyfriend)... so first find out if her problem is sour grapes about men in general right now, or you think she is really disloyal enough to try to steal your boyfriend because she is having her own dry spell... if it is the first, you can help her get over her breakup and find someone new, if it's the latter, then she is not the kind of friend you really want to keep, if she is selfish enough to try to wreck your relationship because she is a bit lonely right now. btw, i had a really good friend who whenever she broke up with a guy, she became really negative about any relationship i had with a guy. it was more about her being lonely and wanting me to be available to spend time with her, and her own pain watching me be happy with some guy while she was disappointed. so i just refocused her on her own issues (and kept her out of discussions about my relationship), until she had recovered and was again happy... then she wasn't so critical of my boyfriend... for a while she just hated any guy, so anything said about any guy meant he wasn't good enough for me. so make sure you know what her motivation is, and don't assume she is trying to steal your guy. she could be, but she could also just be really bitter right now, and be fine if you don't rub your own happiness (or doubts) in her face and just be a good friend to her and do 'girl' things with her for a while til she is less in pain.

i think you need to try to eat less sugar, because that really stimulates the appetite because it causes mood swings, and makes it harder to lose weight... (i.e., cut out OJ, cookies, granola, raisins, bagels, etc.). also, i don't think you are getting enough protein, since most lean cuisines don't have that much protein. protein stabilizes blood sugar and carries you through hunger periods, helps build muscle and has fewer calories than carbs and sugar. you don't have to eat a lot of protein, but probably need more protein and less carbs and fat to lose weight. there is also research that shows that the best weight loss exercise is actually walking rather than running, and easier on the joints... and if you go too low on calories, your body goes into starvation mode and your metabolism drops, so you don't lose weight, just feel sick. so i would try to add more lean protein to your diet, and fewer carbs... and eliminate everything that is high sugar or carb or a 'snack' food (raisins, OJ, chips, granola, cookies, bagels). you need more green vegetables and fiber too with your snacks, that will fill you up. try a cube of cheese and a couple high fiber crackers for a snack rather than granloa bars or cookies... or some cottage cheese, cream cheese or peanut butter in a celery stick, or spread on a few apple slices. or a hard boiled egg and a snack cup of unsweetened applesauce, or a piece of lean ham or turkey wrapped around a cantalope slice. or carrots and brocolli florets with non-fat ranch dressing. i think you'll feel less hungry, and not have the blood sugar drop followed by craving more food if you cut out some of the high carb and sugar you are getting... if you do get carbs, try to get fiber with it (i.e., an orange rather than OJ, high fiber bread or crackers rather than bagels). you can really eat more calories per day if you reduce the carbs and sugar and up the fiber and add more green and low carb veggies... and fewer carbs are great for losing weight (though it doesn't have to be really low, its easier to lose weight on less carbs). once you get where you want to be, then you can add some carbs back in, but avoid high sugar/carb content, except for an occasional treat, or a splurge once a week with a fancy dessert or ice cream sundae. just not every day because that will jsut make you hungry and mess with your blood sugar... take a look at info on the glycemic index, and diets like south beach diet that balances protein, carbs, and fat...

Whitewater rafting can be great fun, but it can be about getting sunburned, injured, sore, overtired, etc. depending on how wild the ride is... so i think he is being unrealistic to expect this the day before the wedding... i hate to raise this specter, but isn't this a guy you have only know about 4 or 5 months that you are getting married to? please don't rush the wedding, until you are really sure that this wedding and marriage really means something to him, and you are marrying who you think you are. why the rush to get married? i would just say be careful, because i married someone after i had only know him about 6 months, and most of the discovery i should have made before the wedding, i made after, and spent many years regrettting the hasty decision before finally divorcing. so i suggest you continue to date him, even go whitewater rafting if it is so important to him, but postpone the wedding until you are sure he is not a selfish sod...

maybe he was trying to be nice and thought you could be friends, but if you start pressuring him again like you are a girlfriend (or want to be), he cuts you off again... it really is hard to be 'just friends' with an ex because there can be lots of misunderstandings about what the real status of the relationship is, one person thinking there's a chance, and the other person not wanting a relationship, though wanting a friendship. so it sounds like he wanted friendship, but not to start things up again for more than that. if you cheated on him, he may never be able to get over that to be your boyfriend again. lots of people consider cheating unforgiveable because they can't trust you, though they may be ok with trying to be civil to one another. so don't push him too much, or he might not even want to be friends anymore.

milestones are hard when your first separate, but they do get easier with each one that passes... it really is true that no one marries expecting to get divorced, so it is always a shock and a huge disappointment, but 50% of the population does get divorced these days, so most people understand your pain, and i'm sure your friends and others will be glad to offer support, like we do here. try to keep yourself busy with other things to look forward to, and make plans to see or talk to friends. also do something like rent some DVDs and watch some comedies, things that are really silly and funny that will make you laugh. it is really hard to sink into a deep funk if you are laughing, and it certainly helps to pull you out of one. it helps to try to balance your sorrow with some laughter, and it really does work. I am American, but i love some of the British comedy series that you can rent at stores everywhere... something silly like Absolutely Fabulous, which ran a few years ago but still makes me laugh... and there are tons of episodes in the set, enough to watch for a whole day if you want! plenty of other funny series like that, or just rent a slew of movies. make yourself a big bowl of popcorn and enjoy! if you really get stuck in the grieving, get some counseling sessions for a while to talk it out. it really helps lots of people, and they have very good suggestions for getting better. get out and get some exercise too, walking is very good for that, because it balances your brain chemistry to prevent depression, and helps you sleep better, which is always hard when you first separate.

i am glad you are going to a counselor. make sure you tell them the whole story of what he did and leave nothing out... most counselors are pretty good at dealing with philanderers (because lots of marriages end up at counselors because of it), so they will probably put him on the spot and ask the right questions to get to the bottom of it and break thru his excuses to get a real commitment out of him, or else help you see that he is not ever going to give you one, no matter what he promises... the thing that concerns me is that he slipped into another accomplished cheaters bait and switch platitude when he realized you weren't buying his story, 'let me spend my whole life proving it to you...' and swearing undying love etc. there are so many cases of guys who do this, then go out the next night to hook up with someone else. plenty of cheaters want the sweet, naive partner at home taking care of the home and the kids, while they go off and have their fun. i know one guy who was a huge philanderer, and married 3 times last i heard, and he was really happiest when he had a wife at home, and a girl or two on the side... all his needs taken care of, and plenty of variety. when he was between marriages it was not as much fun, because he didn't have someone at home taking care of his laundry and his kids (from other women and their own), so he'd always marry again after a couple years to get the home fires taken care of so he could play, but never stop cheating... he actually had a lot less time to hook up with other women when he didn't have a woman at home taking care of his life and kids, so he'd try to hang on to the wife as long as he could, until she'd catch him at it and throw him out, then on to the next one. he made a lot of money and paid a ton of child support, but just kept on repeating the pattern, becuase he loved the chasing women game. so yes, he might love you and want you taking care of his home and kids, but he might also be really into the sport of chasing women, in which case his promises of fidelity could be totally empty... so please don't cut him any slack when it comes to calling his shady behavior into question, and continue the counseling, even if he pours it on for a while, to make sure you know what you're getting into... living with a philanderer and forgiving them is like throwing good money after bad, so even if you've invested a lot, it's a losing proposition to stay in a relationship with someone like that. best of luck, and let us know how you're doing...

maybe he does have an 'open' relationship with this woman... some couples agree that it is ok to see someone else as long as they tell (or don't tell, depending on the way they want it)... and that they can do it as long as they don't bring the other person home... could explain why he panicked and wouldn't let you into the house, in case she ever found out about it. that may be an OK arrangement for them if they both agreed to it, but it is basically terrible and dishonest unless the other people they are dragging into their lives are clued into it and allowed to decide whether they want to be involved with someone who has a commitment to someone else. there are honest swinger types out there who go looking openly for other people who want to do that with them, but there are lots of guys who know that as soon as a woman finds out he's in a relationship with someone else, she'll have nothing to do with him, so he lies to get what he wants, but tells his live-in he's just out swinging... so it's the reverse of a traditional affair, where the wife knows nothing about the husband and his mistress, but in this case, maybe the wife and husband know about the mistress, but the mistress doesn't know she's a mistress, she thinks she's a girlfriend! or maybe he is seeing her, you, AND other women and lying to all of them about the relationship status... some guys like the thrill of balancing several women, and he sounds likes he's got a big ego if he's making statements like he can stand on a street corner and women will come to him... anyway, it is hard to break up with someone, but then, if that person is not really available to you and not treating you right or excluding you from large areas of his life with very weak excuses, who needs that punishment? i decided my own LDR guy would lie with his last breath, because he really didn't want to give me up, but obviously was not really available no matter what he claimed... but i think we both know what we know, deep down inside, but it is so hard to see it for ourselves when we are really attached to them, and they are manipulating our feelings with lies... best of luck, you deserve better... it was really hard when i made the decision to break it off, but when i realized he was not really mine, and never would be, and was selfish enough to lie to me about what was really going on in his life, and future possibilities to enjoy weekends, holidays etc., when there were none, and never would be, what was the point of going on with him after that?

operating from a position of insecurity and fear is never good in a relationship... makes you anxious all the time and has really given her the 'upper hand' in the relationship, or at least it feels that way in your mind, like you are totally dependent on her presense all the time to feel like the relationship is secure and you are happy. you need to remind yourself that she can break up with you anytime, anyone can break up with anyone and you can't hold her to you every minute, but focusing on that possibility all the time is sure to wreck the relationship. that is more like a kid who panics whenever its mother leaves the room, and you need to be an equal in the relationship, not giving her all the power for your happiness and sense of survival. so you need to consciously start developing your own life outside of her, and whenever she is away from you, specifically STOP yourself from thinking about her, and start thinking about other things you need to do, other friends, responsbilities, etc. and if you are way more into her than she is into you, and she doesn't start to want to see you more, then it is better that you have a life outside of her and focusing on her anyway, in case it doesn't work out. you need to be a whole person outside of her, and the best way to do that is focus on you and your own needs (other than her) when she is not around.

i was in a very similar situation to yours... except i was in a long distance relationship with someone where i am positive he moved in with another woman in his town (and/or married her, who knows) but he strung me along for a long time where i was not allowed to visit his town and he never made time to spend weekends or holidays with me either, always some silly excuse about work or whatever. there are lots of married men who lie about their status, in fact i read somewhere that 30% of all men on online dating websites are actually married and lying that they are single... so you can become an accidental 'other woman' or start out wtih a single guy who moves or marries someone else and still strings you along... anyway, here is my thread about my situation, so read it to see if you see any similarities... i think your guy's 'roommate' is really his live-in, and they may have married recently hence the name change. it really sounds to me like he is lying to you about his status, but if you are not sure, then you can call his bluff and tell him you want to come make dinner for him AND his roommate, and see what he does... if he refuses to let you come meet her and introduce you to her as his girlfriend, then i would throw in the towel and assume he is lying..

does your ex want you back? that would be the first thing... and if you don't love your live-in boyfriend, then no point in extending that longer... try to find some way to borrow money or whatever to help him out with the lease until it runs out or he can move out. no way to 'fix' this... you just have to be honest and try to treat everyone as fairly as possible... bound to be lots of hurt feelings and not easy, but the alternative is living a lie.

lots of people get booted out of their parent's home at 18, and don't get any support from that day on, or during college etc. so really, the problem is you want to have the security and perks of living at home for free, but you want to control your own space and world... you really just can't have both. and they are paying for their home and for you to live there, so you pretty well have to tolerate it, or decide it is time to move out on your own. you can have your own place (but probably a shared apt. etc.) or else live in their world, by their rules. btw, haven't they always touched the food and silverware the same way your whole life? is this something that newly bothers you? if you are really overstressed and starting to be obsessive about people touching things and cleanliness etc. you might consider visiting a counselor to sort through all your issues before moving out on your own, because roommates might behave the same or worse than your own family...

he seems to think that whatever he wants to do is fine and he's not really accountable to you... and if he thinks something will displease you, rather than deal with the confrontation, he just lies about it... don't know if you can trust this guy... he's calling you names too when you catch him at the lies, so really low class behavior on his part, not yours...

you can also buy latex sheets for oral sex... very much like condoms for men, except for use on women during oral sex.. i can't think of the exact name for them, vaginal dams i think? anyway, he can place the sheet over you, about the size of a Kleenex and doesn't block your pleasure but maybe helps him out in the taste/smell dept....

btw, sexuality doesn't stop at 60 anymore, especially with Viagra... and lots of long time married couples still go at it like rabbits as long as they are physically able, and if they are not that able, they get very inventive to compensate! so you have a LONNNNNG time ahead of you to be sexually frustrated, and that won't get better with age just because there are stereotypes that older people stop wanting sex... plenty of them don't, ever stop. when my mother was ill and in a nursing home, the nursing home staff had plenty of stories to tell, about catching their very elderly and often infirm residents hooking up in bed together 'in flagrante delecto'! so try not to rationalize your sex life away, go find someone you want to chase around the nursing home when you're 80, and who will enjoy it herself, not someone who is already turning you down and 'grinning and bearing it' in your 20s...

i think this will be HUGE problem for you in the future... she may never cheat on you, but then she may totally stop having sex with you entirely once she is married to you and has a couple kids, if she hates it so much now... what happens to couples in your position is that it goes ok for a while, until the sexually deprived partner meets someone else who ignites that part of sexual longing, then the marriage usually disintegrates into affairs, anger, bitterness and blaming. she could honestly say at that point that you knew before the marriage that she wasn't sexual, and signed up for it, so if you betray her after the marriage, she will probably have no mercy or forgiveness if you start demanding sex, or seek it elsewhere. you say you are too far down relationship this road to stop and break it off... but if you are on the wrong road, why is it better to just keep going on down the wrong road? sometimes you just have to stop and acknowledge this is not the right path for your life, and turn around and find the right road. if you didn't want sex much either, it would be ok, but that does not seem to be the case. i think there are people who end up in sexless marriages, but most of the time they don't start out that way, or they don't realize one person has a sexual problem until after the marriage. but in this case, it is obvious she really doesn't like sex and doesn't seem to want to try for your sake, even before the marriage. i hope you can talk her into treatment, but please don't make the mistake of marrying her if you do want and need sex. i think it is very abnormal to hate sex because it is a natural instinct, and unless there was abuse or other mental or physical problem, so her behavior is NOT normal. and what is more troubling is that she seems to be OK with it, and is also OK with the fact that you are sexually frustrated... so please have the talk with her about seeing a doctor (physical and mental) to see why sex is so abhorrent to her, and if she won't work on it with you, and you still want to marry her, then resign yourself up front to a life with little or no sex, or acknowledge the incompatability and find someone who is more normal in her sexual attitudes. and if your decision is to leave, then you need to sit her down and be honest, and say, 'i want a normal sex life, to enjoy physical intimacy and closeness with my partner who enjoys and appreciates that part of me, and that is not a priority at all with you, and you don't want to work on that with me. i need someone who wants that with me, and since we are incompatible that way, i think it is best to find partners better suited for each of us...' there is really no easy way to do it, other than the truth...

Yes, I did the same thing when i split up with my husband... every morning when i woke up for the last month we were together, I would get the dry heaves! it is just such an emotional shock when you are accustomed to being with someone, that you work yourself up into physical and mental distress every morning when the reality of the breakup hits you again. But be aware that it does get better! you just have to be patient with yourself and treat it like you have broken a bone, and be kind to yourself and know that you won't be able to function fully right away until you have had some time to heal. I think the newness of it is a physical shock right now, but just spend as much time with friends and doing things that you enjoy doing, and re-discovering things you like to do by yourself. watch funny movies at home, spoil yourself with long baths and walks, go to the bookstore to get a good mystery. just distract yourself for a little while until the feeling is less new, then you can really start your healing... best of luck, it is hard, but all of us have been through it and you do come out fine on the other side... but as they say, you can't go around it, just through it, so be kind to yourself and hang in there and time will help heal you.

you are focusing on worrying about whether she has someone else, yet you have been broken up for 3 years and go months without seeing and talking to her. so it sounds like you are really still hoping you will get back together, and assuming that whether or not she has someone else will determine this, but it sounds like this is just not a good relationship OR friendship for you... after 3 years, you should really go into no contact or anything it takes to stop thinking about her and find someone who is really available to you all the time and treats you right... you deserve better than this, and to not continually be in limbo and wanting someone who is not your girlfriend anymore.

if she is really really shy... but usually if that is the case, taking some time to talk to her and get to know her might help her relax. but if is she is being rude or is showing interest in other people but not you, then it either means she is not interested, or a game player.

this is a pretty clear case of you need to get out... it sounds like he is just an incredibly obnoxious person and totally unwilling to consider anybody's feelings but his own. when he says things like IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE, he is talking about it will serve none of HIS purposes, like he feels he owes you no love, responsibility, caring etc. he is very abusive and uncaring, and will obviously not turn into a nice person. he may be trying to force you to be the one to leave so he can blame the divorce on you and try to look good before his family etc. or he may be reconciling with you temporary since you can't sue him for divorce with adultery as the grounds. or he may just be floating from woman to woman based on his momentary and everchanging needs. so really, you deserve so much better than this. consult an attorney, and explain the situation to him, and move forward with your life away from this selfish jerk.