Gracelove

It's sounds like she's sleeping with you for convinence. I know your living situation is unusual. It's crazy living with an ex (I can only imagine). To me, it sounds like she's using you. You may love her, but I can't tell whether or not she loves you. Maybe you should lock your door at night....well that's kind of immature. Have a conversation with her. Ask her if she no longer believes that sleeping together is inappropriate. If she wants to "save you for the future", it means that she wants to run around and have her fun while you wait around for her. I mean you're not a candy bar that she can wrap up and save for later. You're a human being, with feelings. I don't think you should allow her to treat you that way. It's sounds like she wants you to be an "unofficial boyfriend", interpretation: A fun guy with no required commitment

I still think you should inform his parents, despite his mental disability. I agree with you, if he told you not to tell he had to be aware that what he was doing was wrong. His disability shouldn't keep you from telling the truth. Maybe there is something that can be done to help him. If he has access to another little girl he may do the same thing. I think it would be best to inform someone, if he has difficulty comprehending certain things, someone who understands him should communicate that his behavior is inappropriate. Don't take it all on yourself. I know it feels better to "inconvience" yourself as opposed to everyone else, but it isn't really better. Hang in there. Baby steps. It's hard to do certain things. Sometimes it's really hard to mention anything about the situation.

Hey There! I just want to say that I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I used to have suicidal thoughts in my teenage years, but they eventually went away. I don't remember why they went a way, but I just wanted to give you some sort of hope. I know they can be scary.... I would definitely suggest you see a therapist. I didn't see one when I was a teenager, but you should definitely seek help. I think it might be a good thing not to tell your boyfriend, I only say this because when I had suicidal thoughts, no one knew about them. Seek help, therapists are trained to deal with such situations, you're boyfriend will probably just freak out. Hang in there.

You should definitely go to a therapist. If you don't things will only get worse. This probably came up because you are under so much stress. I know how you feel about tearing your family apart. I was raped and I feel like it ripped my friendship apart. The girl I was friends with is friend with the guy who raped me; she and I are no longer friends. I feel like the rape ripped apart our friendship, but in truth, she wasn't really my friend. If something bad happens to your grandma as a result of you telling her what happened, then it isn't your fault. She is just unable to handle the truth. Besides the only reason that it's your truth is because some horrible person decided to rape you. So if your family gets "ripped" apart, then it's his fault. Granted that won't make you feel any better, but keeping the truth hidden will probably eventually tear you apart inside. Let it out, it will help you to feel better. If you can't say it then write a letter, or E-mail, something... But I really think you should see a counselor. I tried to surpress my rape for a couple of months and my emotions started spiraling out of control, forcing me to seek help. Maybe this is your signal to seek help.

Hey guys! It's me again. I feel like I want to cry. I went to therapy today, and I really can't even bring myself to think about the details of the rape. I can think of the rape in general terms, but I can't think of it in any other way. I can't, I refuse to, it's like, I can't take it. And that scares me, thinking about the rape in any detail terrifies me. I can't let myself. I can finally name something about it that terrifies me, thinking of the details terrifies me. I feel weak, and powerless at times. This is going to sound crazy....I've admitted to being raped, but part of me still wants to scream, "No I wasn't!". I just can't bare to think of how brutally that person treated me. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I mean my life was so much better before I got raped. Soooooooooooo much better than it is now. I feel like if I deny it, then things will magically turn back to normal, but I know that's wishfully thinking. I hate to sound childish, but that sucks!!!!! N-Eways, I feel so ashamed of myself because there are things that I still hadn't acknowledge. I've been trying to ignore it, or just living with it, but..I'm always aware of my vagina now, ya know. It's like I feel wrong down there. I know that in reality I'm healthy when it comes to that, but it's something in my mind that I can't seem to shake...so I just live with it. I mean, does that feeling ever go away? Will I ever feel okay down there again? I know it's a mind thing. Hey, do you think people can be hypnotized (spelling?) to forget about a rape? I don't really want to be hypnotized because I don't like the idea of someone playing with my mind, but what do you think? I wonder..............................? N-Eways THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WONDERFULLY-SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE ON THIS WEBSITE! If not for you life would be soooooooo much harder. I mean, it's times like this, where I feel I don't have any friends who truly understand...........I would feel totally alone most of the time if not for this site. I am taking baby steps, I called my dean and teachers today, so I'm making strides towards the whole school situation. My dad is coming to visit me, and I'm a little worried. He might feel sad, ya know......I've gained 30lbs. since the rape and the last time he saw me was before the rape occurred. I didn't think about it until my therapist mentioned it, but I do feel like people might know I've been raped. I didn't think about it like that, I just felt like I didn't want people to see how down-hill I've gone since that incident. Oh well, thanks for listening guys!

First, I'd like to say that I'm really, really sorry. I haven't been in a relationship that long but I know how much it hurts when you really, really like someone and they break off the relationship. Even though he says he's just needs some time, it may feel like a break-up to you. It's okay to cry. I can imagine the devastation you might be feeling. Have you done anything to cheer yourself up? Like go to a favorite restaurant or buy yourself a present? Maybe an independent-woman film could help you feel better. Something that make you feel you can make it own your own, that you're enough. Of course, I know that it won't make all of your problems go away, but it might make you feel a little better. Okay, I don't know what's wrong with me today, I keep missing out on things. I missed your other post where you said that he has now really broken up with you (sorry). And you're pregnant! And he didn't say anything, he just cried? Do what's best for you, but I would call him. I would like to know how he plans on supporting the baby, if you choose to keep the baby. He can't just dump you or brush you off. I mean, he can dump you, obviously, but not the baby. That's crazy! That's an awful lot to deal with. This shouldn't just be "your problem". He helped you to get pregnant he should take some sort of responsibility. I don't see why you "can't" call him. I mean, I totally don't understand how men think they can get a girl pregnant and somehow believe it's her problem. That is soooo insensitive. I don't know, I'd call him. And it wouldn't be to ask him why he broke up with me either. I'd ask him what he plans to do when the baby gets here (if you want to keep the baby of course). *He said he "loves you" but is not "in love" with you? That's crazy. If he had any kind of love for you he would be there to support you in your time of need. He doesn't have to be your boyfriend, but would it be too hard for him to be a friend? I don't know maybe this is out of my arena, but he doesn't sound like he cares much about you.

A fun little fact: 90% of women have cellulite

Do you know why you're depressed? It can't just be because of an essasy. Do you like your school? Do you feel under a lot of pressure or stress? When is your paper due? I know you mentioned it's late, but did your teacher extend the date? I could be of more help to you if I had a better understanding of your situation, or if I knew the answers to the questions stated above.

The most I'll call is twice before receiving a call from them. If it's a family member and I'm really worried about them I'll call three or four times.

Do you love this person? If so, I would always say that "trust & warmth" is better than "Mystery & sex" if you want a meaningful relationship. Are you in a stage of life where you feel you'd rather be single? If so, you should discuss this with your current boyfriend. You don't want to hurt him. And I'm sure you don't want to cheat, because that will definitely hurt him. Have you ever found your boyfriend sexually appealing? If so, then maybe you should explore reasons why you are no longer attracted to him that way. Have any thoughts beside, he's "boring" come to mind? Does he seem uninterested in you these days? Too preoccupied with other things? Less talk-a-tive? Something sparked a change in the way you're feeling about him. Maybe a discussion between the two of you will help you pinpoint it.

Hey There! I'm was recently raped. Please hang in there. I almost committed suicide as a result of what happened to me. Things will be okay. I can totally relate to how you feel. I know things will get better because I've been feeling the same way. But I feel better now than I did early today. Live for the "up moments" they're coming. It's a hard, hard road. I'm just at the beginning of this journey and at times it has been a complete nightmare. At times you won't know who your friends are. But please hang on. The rapist isn't worth your life. I wish there was something I could say to encourage you, although sometimes I have difficulty encouraging myself. I just want you to hang in there, because I'm hanging on too, and being understood by others has brought me extreme comfort during these times. You will find someone who will make you feel understood. There are so many supportive people on this website. Just vent all you need to and let it out. You aren't alone. Rape is a horrible thing. But I believe life will get better.

Congratulations Teacup!!! I'm so happy for you!

I just finished seeing the movie "Dark Water". I've been wanting to see it for a long time, but I was afraid to. I don't like scary movies. But I figured I'd take a chance and watch it today. Maybe something dark and scary would take my mind off of the real fear I live with these days. I really like the movie I feel like I can relate to the main character. She reminds me of myself in so many ways. It wasn't enough to take my mind off of my problems for a long time, but it did help me escape for a little while. I guess the movie makes me feel better, because I can focus on the main character. When you see someone on t.v. that reminds you so much of yourself it makes you feel better, because if someone could create that character, then someone can understand you. It gives me hope. And I love rain. It's comforting to me. Although I usually don't like movies with dark colors because I feel they are depressing...This one, I really like. I didn't find it scary at all. These days I'm afraid to leave my house, and afraid to go to sleep, and afraid of people. I mean I was so nieve (spelling?). I know, maybe I couldn't prevent the rape, but.....I mean, I was drugged. I know there will be moments when I let my guard down. There are just so many slick people out there. So many people that take advantage of unknowing people. And maybe I'm afraid of those people. I feel more safe indoors. I mean, how will I respond to negativity these days? What if I become easily upset or snappy? What if my nervousness shows? People like to take advantage of people they believe to be weak....and I feel weak. I mean, just like the character in the movie, you look at your surroundings, you look at everything and it all looks very bleak....but you can't let it show. You have to act like everything is okay. You have to assure those around you that everything is fine. You can't let them down. And you're just trying so hard to make things work, and you just accept things. You accept them, you do your best to make things work. And then what..........? I don't want people thinking that I've lost it. Maybe because I've lost my smile or because I'm obviously nervous. What do I have to give? I'm trying my best. But I don't think my best will ever be good enough.

Thanks so much for the sweet reply. I don't think she understands....well, actually I think she may understand a little bit. She is aware of my difficulty sleeping. She says things like my "clock is off". She is referring to my body's sleeping schedule. I don't think she realizes that it's more than that. I might be able to talk to her about it. It's just really hard feeling emotionally, and physically sick, trying to adjust to medicine, and adjust to new surroundings. I'm trying really hard. I don't quite know how I'll tell her without it offending her. I just don't want any bad vibes, ya know. You're right, even though I know I'm in a safe environment, I don't really feel safe. I know in time things will change. Thank you for your support. And thanks for the warm vibes.

If he's willing to lie about it, you can be sure that it's not just some friendly thing. A person once said [Oprah], when someone tells you who they are...believe them. He described his feelings clearly in the e-mail and became defensive when you confronted him about it. Would you want to be with a man who's in love with another woman? Does he have a folder or folders containing your e-mails?

Maybe she's distant because she isn't sure where your loyalty lies. Does she know that you are no longer friends with her ex? I think she's scared. You mentioned that she has "gone off" on you? Don't allow yourself to be verbally abused. You can love her and be there for her and, and not tolerate her verbal abuse. Tell her that if she continues to speak to you in that manner then you'll have to leave, and when she is ready to treat you with the same respect in which you treat her, then you'll be ready to continue the conversation. I guess I would say....be careful. Don't rush things. She was verbally and physically abused. She probably feels embarrased or ashamed, which would explain her "distance". She is vunerable, hurt, confused, and probably angry. Maybe she doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship, or what one even looks like. If she acts a little strangely, don't take it personally, she is probably just trying to make sense of her life and discover how she ended up the way she did.

It's another night of dealing with these anti-depressants and rape trauma. Life is something isn't it, LOL! Only this time I feel nauseated and saddened to the point of tears. The weird things is I don't even feel like I'm thinking about anything imparticular. This is ridiculous. I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be strong enough. I have severe fear issues when it comes to that place, ridiculous huh? I'm trying really hard, I don't want to push myself to a breaking point. I wish I had my own space. I'm living with my cousin, my parents pay her rent and I stay in one of the rooms. I love my cousin and she's really sweet, but sometimes...I don't know. I couldn't go to sleep last night, it was sooo hard. I finally get to sleep and she comes in and wakes me up early this morning to talk. She's really sweet, but I think my body is suffering from sleep deprivation, so when I can get sleep I'm glad to get it; i really need it. Sometimes I think about locking the door, but I don't want to be rude. Last night she scared the crap out of me! I'm already on the medicine so I'm a little loopy. It's 1:49am and she walks in my room. I didn't hear her enter the room or anything. She is standing right by the bed. I saw her out of the corner of my eye and screamed sooo loud. I didn't know she was there. Of course I didn't go to sleep anytime soon after that. I'm struggling to keep myself together you know, and sometimes I need some privacy, but it's hard to get that right now. If she wakes me up early tomorrow morning I think I'm going to cry. I feel like..... ....not a good combination.

Just relax and be yourself. If you feel it is right, have a conversation with her expressing you feelings and concerns. Do you want a serious relationship with her? If she leaves the U.S. will you be willing to keep up correspondence with her? What type of relationship would you like to have with her? It's understandable that she still wants to be around you. I'm sure she deems you to be a wonderful friend. And I can understand why she may not want to get too close, she is probably concerned about saying "goodbye", when the time comes to leave the U.S. Goodbyes are hard enough without having to break off a relationship in the process.

A friend of mine is friends with a guy who raped me. I was feeling really sad, hurt, and let-down. I felt that maybe this girl isn't really my friend. She doesn't seem to care much about me. She didn't protect from the monster and I don't even think she really believes it happened. I spoke with my mom this morning about the dilemma. I think I feel differently about things. I'm not as hurt by the fact that I don't believe she really cares about me. And guess what? She just called me. I had called her days ago. I was sad, depressed, and desperate to know if she really was still friends with the guy (although I pretty much already knew the answer). I asked her to "please call me" I was so desperate that day. Everything was falling apart and I wanted to at least knonw who my true friends were. N-Eways, when she called just now, I didn't ask her if they are still friends........ I talked to her, and when she asked me how things were going, I told her the truth. I didn't sugar-coat anything. I told her how I was honestly doing. And that's good for me. I did something for myself. She got off of the phone; we said goodbye. I don't know if she'll ever call back, but somehow I'm okay inside. Because I didn't hide my wounds. If she chooses to be his friend....fine. If she wants to try to be my friend.....fine. But I'm not going to pretend I'm not hurting in an effort to make her feel better. Friends are honest. She said she was just calling to make sure I was okay, but I don't believe her. She just called me so that I could make her feel okay. Like I've done in the past, since this incident occurred (the rape). I know she feels bad. And that's okay, but I'm not going to pretend like everything is okay with me so she'll feel better. If she really wants to know how I'm feeling, then I'll tell her....and I did. I told her about my difficulty adjusting to the medicine. When she asked me if these were the normal side-effects I told her that some of it is the result of trauma because, "of what happened". I guess what still hurts a little bit, is that she really doesn't seem like she cares.....when she calls me, ya know. She doesn't sound sympathetic (spelling?). She sounds accusatory (spelling? usage?). If I hadn't spoken with my mother this morning, and got a new perspective on things, then her response would have broken my heart. I love my friends, I love them so much, and realizing that someone might not truly be my friend still hurts. I was even open to talking to her, still hanging out with her (at least that's how I felt today). It would have been hard, but I was willing to try. I don't know why I'm that way. I feel like I forgive her, ya know. I realize she isn't a true friend, but I forgive her. That's why I feel like I could maybe even hang out with her. I'm willing to try. But the tone of her voice.....it's something I never expected to hear in her voice. Now I really feel like she isn't sincere. I really believe it now.

If you're scared, be careful, I'm sure it's your gut. I mean how does someone do a complete 180 in 2 months? Maybe he just went from one extreme to the other, you probably don't want extremes, just a sincere medium. Be careful, take your time, what's the rush? If you feel pressured then tell him to back off...your life, your terms.

Wow! That's interesting. He's verbally abusive to other women but not you? Has he ever explained to you why he keeps leaving? I don't know if you should still be with him, he isn't trust worthy. He just leaves in the middle of the night without telling you? I think he might like it. Maybe he's extremely insecure and likes leaving because you get extremely worried about him, maybe that makes him feel desirable or welcome. Okay I know this is a totally random and unpleasant thought but, do you think he's a serial killer? I mean he just randomly leaves, at night, doesn't explain himself? Or maybe he's a serial rapist? I mean something is seriously wrong. I WOULDN'T HAVE EVER THOUGHT OF THIS ASIDE FROM the comments you made about him, verbally abusing women, being fat, and having a small penius. He may be very insecure. He may be taking out his frustrations on other women somewhere. His behavior is disturbing. He leaves in the middle of the night? What could he possibly be doing? I don't know, it would really, really concern me. ***Okay, I must add that I didn't read all of the text that you sent back and forth to each other. I just saw them, but I still haven't read them. It's really late where I am right now and I don't know if I'll be able to read them right now. I made comments based on what you said in your original post. ***

I can appreciate your feelings. In bad relationships it can be the little things that hurt the most. People just think so differently. Sometimes it can feel like the person you were with was from another world. I don't know, in the relationship with my ex, in retrospect, maybe my silence is what hurt me the most, ya know. It was like, I was silent, and I let him hammer me with his cruel actions and negativity. Then when I wanted to speak, I was beat down so, that I couldn't. Is that how you feel? Was it that way with you? How might you have felt if you told him, "Have you lost it? Do you think I'm actually going to leave here without paying? You've gone mental!" [LOL! that last part, "you've gone mental" is from Wayne's World. I find the phrase quite amusing] I know that's not extremely articulate, but what if you said something along those lines? Do you think it would have made you feel better? Maybe you can go-over it in your mind, and imagine yourself saying that to him, and then picture the look of surprise on his face. I don't know, but that gives me satisfaction.

I definitely feel for you. I would be devastated. Definitely take some time to discuss it more. I mean it is bothering you, you shouldn't hold your true feelings inside. I think if your going to marry him you have to be honest with him about how this situation makes you feel, in a tactful way of course. I mean, this leaves you with so much to think about.... Does he really want to be with you? Is he with you because she is unavailable? If she came to him tomorrow and asked him to be with her, would he go with her? These are thoughts that would be running through my head, things I would need to know. And of course you love him, terribly I'm sure, but I'm sure part of you really needs to know the truth about his level of commitment to you. You don't want any "surprises" after you get married. I mean, because then you'll feel horrible, ya know, like he told you before you were married that he had feelings for her, and you should have listened. Just take more time. Find sincere answers. You owe it to yourself, you deserve it.

I think it depends on the type of person you are. If he is a good man I could care less whether he's a virgin or not. I don't place a high value on it. I do place a high value on the person however. If a man is a virgin, it doesn't mean that he's not evil, or self-centered, or crazy. I think virginity falls pretty low on the ladder behind character. But then again I may be slighty baised. I had sex with a virgin; he was crazy and abusive, he also stalked me for a year, so maybe that's why it means nothing to me. In all fairness I was a virgin too, but I was nice.

His relationship sucks and he wants you back. Actually he probably doesn't even want you back, he probably just wants to make sure you aren't having a good life without him. Been there before. I wouldn't respond other than to say, "I accept your apology". And that's it, no more conversation. He probably just needs you to boost his ego. If he can get you to even contemplate life with him again, and he's aware of that thinking, that will give him the biggest ego-boost ever. I wouldn't give it to him. But then again that's just my opinion, based on my experience. My ex thought he was God's gift to women. And couldn't believe that a women would reject his oppressive nature and dump him. If you were in the same situation, definitely don't maintain communication, you won't regret it.