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  1. All I think about is when I was raped by a guy I met while I was out walking to re fresh my head from thoughts I was having. I didn't do anything, I wasn't wearing anything to cause him to rape me. I just cant get over it 😞 I feel disgusting. 😭😭😭. It's all my fault.
  2. My ex is and what he did is really getting to me, I know it sounds selfish but I wish I could just keep being hurt or me hurting myself non stop as I'm finding it hard and I'm really feeling ***ed up. I honestly, do not know if what he did can keep me alive, I feel so hopeless and alone and my head is full of rubbish I cannot cope I really just want a hug 😭
  3. The right she has is the right she's given from herself. Surrounded in her world you deemed yourself her creator when you lied to your internal demon. He begged you for light but your darkness was blinding. Dictating empowered her love into the birth of her sight. I laugh with her while you pawn your existence. My rally is furious when I feel her rape from your commitment. Heaped glory is the trash she smells when I comfort her scorn you embossed. Bold strength, bonded into one, intimidating your glee with fortunes towards your pitiful well. We pride our fear in delicate broken glass that pierced your soul when our blood grew. Death before birth is your Mantra and its clinging web illuminates our soul. You created her from myself and you killed me into her outer womb. Negating the curses, I love you until a fool reanimates your creative destruction. Only tears will fall when boundaries destroy my confusion. I will care if we are not the eye, nor the heart, only the sand that will never be a mirage. She loves me and I her. Simplistic treasures will complicate the speed of our time, with or without your implicit bondage.
  4. My boyfriend and I had been talking about having sex for a long time while we were dating...He and I dated between March and July...Well in June my mother and 2 sisters went to California to visit my aunt and my dad worked during the night...Well my boyfriend and I had decided that he would sneak over and we'd see what would happen when he got to my house... Well when he got to my house he was the same normal guy that I loved and trusted so much...Until we were laying on my bed...He asked if I wanted to have sex with him like a gentleman should...Well when we had talked about having sex on the phone he and I decided that if it started to hurt that I would tell him and he'd stop... When he started to put it in me it started to hurt...I thought it was natural so I didn't say anything about it...Well as he kept going it started to hurt more and more and he kept pushing harder and harder...I told him to stop and couple of times, but he didn't...That was the part I was confused on...I just thought nothing of it afterwards...because I didn't try pushing him off or anything...Well I talked to my friends about it and they brought it to my attention that yes he did indeed rape me... Well my question for all of you is should I still love him or should I hate him? In the beginning I hated him so much, but he and I talked afterwards and we broke up...Soon after that he sent me cute emails saying how much he loved me and wanted me back...I think I still love him, but I need more opinions...Should I take him back?
  5. Ive known my friend fora year now and he is those passive sweet types who is also old fashion.. .. Well he just broke up with his girlfriend and needed some comfort.. i was at work so I couldnt come but his bestfriend, Stacy, came instead.. That night I called stacy and she bragged how she raped my friend lets say his name is tom.. .. Ofcourse i told tom and he was so upset.. So now stacy is bragging that she slept with him.. and he is totally out of it.. I told him to tell the police.. but he is completely afraid they wont believe him.. what should I do to help him..
  6. To make a long story short I went to the pool with my bf. He wanted a to *do things* and I wasnt exactly up for it. He eventually conviced me into the bathrooms. Nothing major happened at the begginging, but at one point he was begging me to give him a handjob. I repetedly said NO, but he continued to push me against the wall, hold me there and make my hand do it and what not until I gave in. And then after that I was pretty mad so I just wanted to leave but he wouldnt let me and he fingered me without me actually wanting it. (I said no to that, too) I know that it was my fault to put myself in that kind of situation & he apologized a million times and hasnt dont anything like that when I was unwilling since, but I still feel really awkward, afraid and closed up when thinking about any of that kind of stuff or when I do it. Is there something wrong? something I need to do? PS -- It's irrelevant if it was real 'rape' or not, and I don't want to send anyone to court for this.
  7. Time heals and I lie fake looking at a world I cannot take I feel destroyed rebuilt from scraps I feel used a ripped paper bag I am lost searching for something I lie here longing for nothing I am raped discarded and stayed a closet of pain all locked away I am a fool my mind is in shambles I am abused nothing to handle I cannot die because I have not lived depression is all I have left to give.
  8. eighty-something keys that don't work on a stolen brass ring twenty-something blackbirds in a pile but none of 'em sing a bad motor scooter that he never gonna ride somethin' ain't clickin' inside he misaligned cookie on the table with a bite taken out milk all over the floor a million-power telescooper trained at the moon he don't wanna see any more his watch, it half-stopped and his gun, it half-cocked the boy, he frozen in time he misaligned tie on straight but he neck all crooked once he had a hat but he know she took it he pushing down donuts with wine misaligned, misaligned dozen-dozen-thousand angel choir it still sound weak DJ rape Rapunzel in the tower now she don't speak Holmes look at Watson and he shake he giant head and what good a detective when you dead? malignant signs the world so fine just misaligned
  9. I Never Had This happened To Me. But I Kno Pplz That Bin Raped.i Hear The News And Storys And It Breaks My Heart. And It Make Me Angery. But Please Read _________________________________________________________________ I Cry For Women And Young Girls Today & I Weep For Ther Pain. Lil Girls Come Out Never The Same. Damaged And Hurt Trust Broken Took For Granted Innocent's Lost. Raped As If It Never happened. As She Bleeds From The In Side And Out Hes Dosnt Hear The Word Ouch. He Dosnt Care That She Crys He Just Tells Her Close Ur Eyes. The Devil Hides And Says Its A Lie. You Say A Word Lil Girl And You Will Die But No One Hears These Lil Girls Crys. These Women And Lil Girls Beatin Like A Dog's On A Chain Left Out Side In The Rain. Hide Ther Bruise And Open Cuts It Feels Like Flames. Feelin Like A Slave Stuck In Rut. Angery & In Pain And Standin Still...when Will This Pain Heal? Young Women Bein Put To Rest Becuz Ther Husbands & B/f's Beat Them To Death. Lil Girls Put Ther Life And Trust On The Line. These Adults Hurt Them And Its A Crime. Only To Be Taken And Never Be Seen And Heard From Again.dead In The Streets When Will It End. Young Women Raped And Murder Ther Dignity & Ther Life Taken From Them. And Never Get It Back Because That Son Of A B^tch Took All Of That. Men Not Understandin The Word No!. Not Respecting. What Was Told.no Mean No! So Let Go.women To Trusting And Nieve...murdered ....ther Body's Found @ The Scene. Tellin Ther Story's And Life Long Dream's. Taken By Greed. And To Fill His Need. Not Realizing God Sent Us To Bear The Seed.and Thats The Thanx We Get. And Not Hearin Our Mercy And Our Plead.these Evil Rapest And Murder's Petifiles Will Pay 4 Ther Sins. Ther Time Will Come When Ther Time Ends.they'll Burn In Hell And Then They'll Feel Ther Victums Pain.i Hope They Do.because This Time Its Our Game
  10. So this will be a long one, but PLEASE bare with me. I feel like I need professional help but I used to post on here when I had problems, it seemed to help. Well, in December, I was drinking and did an anti depressent drug (I didn't really want to). To make the story short, my best friend that I have known for 7 years, her family was my family, mine was hers. Well, we were all at her house and she fell asleep and basically her brother date raped me and my friend while we were passed out. Apparently xanax and drinking is like a roofie. So after that and telling my best friend what happened, she didn't believe me- she called me a * * * *, even though I've only had sex with one person since she had known me (that she knew of at least). So, I'm no longer friends with her and that's what the main thing this situation affected... I thought "oh, I'm able to be more empathetic toward rape victims now" things like that. Now I'm sort of involved with someone and feelings were there and it was good then we had sex and I felt disgusting afterward and don't have feelings for him. I thought that maybe I just wasn't a promiscuous person, but I have had sex with a guy I barely knew before and felt fine. I realized that this rape incident really has affected me. I don't know what to do...I can no longer enjoy sex, seriously.
  11. okay it all happened when i was 10 my cousin every time i went over to my aunt and uncles for a birthday party our chritmas our any thing....he was there...he would take me in his room and yea i think ya know what im getting at............ and know im 16..... it stoped like 2 years ago.... because he got a girlfriend....thank god..... but im just afraid like if he dumps his girl friend if he will do it again...... and im afraid of telling any one cuz im scared......what should i do.........please help........
  12. I was just really, really shocked at the realisation of how many people have been raped. It was brought up in another thread and we all know its disgusting. I was wondering, what happened to you after you were taken advantage of? Can anyone else learn from your experiences? Personally, I have been raped by 3 different men, in different circumstances. One of which was my long time bf. After coming to the realisation of what has happened to me (I was in denial for years) I have managed to stem the amazingly unhealthy sex life I was leading and I am a much stronger person becuase of it now. I do get a bit weird about sex every now and then, but I know I would kill someone before letting them do that to me again, and I wouldnt fall apart like I did before. There is still a lot of anger about it, when I say I would kill, I mean it, I would take out everything I feel towards those other men on him and I would be surprised if he was recognisable afterwards. Whew, ok, that was kinda hard to write, but if anyone thinks it would help them to put out their story, or to ask questions of any of us that have gone through it... I thought this thread could be of use
  13. This depression is getting to be really hard to manage. I feel so down right now. I'm up and down a lot, mood wise. I'm still trying to understand how rape can change your brain. I'm not a psychologist but does anyone know??? I mean, how does rape give you depression? How does that make you need to be on medicine to make it through days. Or, the post traumatic stress disorder....how does rape give you that. If one thing is good, it's that I don't really have any bad thoughts towards the rapist and my ex-friend (his accomplice). But I'm aware that I still have anger and pain living within me. I don't see it being directed towards anyone anymore, so does that mean I'm directing it towards myself. Oh, wait, a thought....my therapist said depression is anger turned inward. But how can medicine help you manage anger??? The worst part is feeling slow. I hate that feeling. It's like everything is slowed down and my mind isn't as sharp as normal. What's that I wonder.......... Anyways, I'm at work and am having such a hard time focusing. But this is the "real world", so I can't say I feel ill and just go home. I feel trapped, any suggestions???
  14. I don't want to be here anymore. My life no longer has value. I'm through. There is always something new. Something more horrible around the corner. Nothing can be stopped. And to just think, a few months ago I was worried about an abusive stalker. Who knew how worse things would get? They are horrible. I survived the stalker only to run head on into a rapist. I don't want to be here anymore. It's too much for me to handle, too painful, no relief. What do I do? There is nothing for me to do. There is no one for me to talk to. I want to die, and that's that. Dying can't be more horrible than the life I'm living know. If I can undergo months of agony, what's a few seconds more? In case I don't make it, my rapist's name is Jonathan Blocker. He attends morehouse college. I suggest every woman stay away from him. Every person should keep their daughters and sisters and aunts and mothers away from him. I think I died the night he raped me.
  15. I feel different. I feel okay to move on. I feel tearful. But I realize, that my life it truly great. I don't know if it's that I'm finishing school or not, but I think that has something to do with it. I didn't think I'd be emotional about graduating. It's been tough. I've had the worst times of my life during my college experience, and now I'm wishing it all goodbye. I wish there was a way to truly convey how I feel. I feel glorious. It's not a threat to me anymore. It holds no grounds. I mean, Ariel and Jonathan don't even bother me anymore, LOL. Isn't that so great. It's like a huge weight has been lifted all of my shoulders, and it feels so good! I've been wanting to close this chapter of my life for the longest time, although I would never admit it. And now that it's here......I feel so blessed. It's all okay now. I feel okay to be me. I don't have to be on the defensive anymore. I'm away from that space, that scene, and nothing will ever bring me back. I'm free!!!! I mean, even with the whole rape situation, I feel great! I'm finally able to see beyond that place, ya know. There's a whole, big wonderful world out there, and I'm okay. All this time I've been so afraid. So afraid that people would side with the rapist and his accomplice over me. Ever since he had told me he went around telling people about me, and his accomplice telling me that he was saying I wanted it. I tell you, it all seems slightly trivial now. I should have never been afraid, because.......the truth was on my side. I don't know why I couldn't see it before. But now I see it's okay. I've taken my power back, they can't harm me anymore. It feels so good to say that. All of this time I've felt endangered, but no longer. It's amazing how heavy shame is. How you can be raped and feel guilty for someone else's actions. How you can feel so small, and feel that for such a horrible thing to happen to you, you must have done something wrong. Whew! That's such a heavy burden to bare, and the thing is........the victims shouldn't have to bear it. I feel great! Yes I'll have things I'll have things to work through. But it's okay, I have people who love me standing by me to see me through. It's my life, good or bad, it's mine I finally have my life back. And it's going to be a beautiful life. Yes, I'll cry. That's apart of the grieving. And yes, I'll think back on things that have happened and will feel the pain within. But, I'll survive. And that's what counts. And hopefully one day I'll have a daughter, and I'll be able to look after her, and pray that she won't have some of the experiences that I've had. Maybe by then I'll be able to teach her how to be innocent without being naive (I'm sure there's a way). I'm just so grateful, so grateful to be alive, and I haven't felt that way in a really long time.
  16. Another one of those days...... I feel spilt between happiness and sadness. Part of me feels pretty good, I've been exercising regularly and it's amazing how it affects my mood. My whole day is so nice compared to before. Then I feel a little sad as well. I've tried to be strong, but sometimes I don't hold it together as well as I like. I'm in a waiting period. The things I really desire will only come with time. I'm learning patience. If you would have asked me before I would have said I was a very patient person, but I realize that I've so much more to learn in that department. I've been thinking about my ex off and on. He was a very abusive person. I knew for a fact that he would kill me on a couple of occasions, luckly I was always provided with an out (a way to escape). Why do I think of him? I think maybe it's because I'm ready to face that part of my life that seemed so surreal and distant. I was raped right after I closed the case with my ex (a month after). Rape came with depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorder along with many other things...so I didn't have an opportunity to really think about the relationship. I feel sad because I've been abused. I feel sad that it happened to me. I don't know if words can describe how I feel, I feel like it's not my life. Like, despite everything I still don't believe it happened to me. And I think about the rape and the whole situation, just so that I won't forget it happened. Because I don't want to go along one day, happy after putting the situation out of my mind, just for someone to bring it up and shatter my new existence. I'm afraid that if I forget..........it'll happen again. I don't understand how this happened. Logically, yes, it's clear. But it's like it just doesn't register with my heart, my being. I just don't want to think of it. I'm afraid to think of it. I'm afraid to accept that this happened to me. I can think about it, and talk about it, but part of me.......part of me won't accept it. Part of me doesn't want it to be me. I don't want it to be me! I don't. I don't want to accept it, the responsibility. I feel like there is so much responsibility that comes with rape ya know. I have to be extra careful about everything. Everything, just to make sure it doesn't happen again. And it's hard, hard knowing that it's their word against mine. Ariel and Jonathan, their word against mine. How horrible it makes me feel. It hurts so bad. Does it mean that I think they're better than me??? I don't think so because I believe them to carry evil in them. But..........how do I keep from being attacked again. And it's so embarrasing to admit that I thought she was my friend. I so embarrased, and stupid. I mean......... To love someone who hates you so much. It'll always hurt. I just can't believe...........I can't believe. If I were to really take it all in, I.......I don't know how much it would damage me. I've already been damaged enough. I just wanted a normal life. A happy life. And I don't want to be attacked again, not physically, not verbally........and it almost seems impossible to keep that from happening. I have a responsibility to protect myself, and I've done a horrible job. I'm worried ya know. It was like the last three years of my life vanished from time, my memory, almost non-existent. Like I was a zombie, or an outsider witnessing what was happening in my life. And now.....I'm worried it'll all come rushing back to me. That it'll become so real. Why does life sometimes seem like an uphill battle? I'll be strong. I will. I'll take it a little at a time. And if I can't keep myself safe, then I just have to accept that I tried my best and that's all I can ever do.
  17. Title says it all. In my eyes, I have the perfect girlfriend/mate....but without the sex. -She's not into sex. It's not relgious, upbringing, etc. -She wasn't raped, molested, etc. Problem is...she doesn't let me perform oral on her, she doesn't give me oral, doesn't let me enter her with even my finger. It's basically missionary sex or nothing..and that happens once a month (tops). I've explained it to her this way: in terms of sex, the man is like a carpenter. If he is going to do his job (please the woman), he needs all of his tools (oral sex, fingering, different positions, etc.) She doesn't buy it. She just claims she has a low libido. We're 5 years into the relationship....and it's time to make the next step I believe. But what's holding me back is the lack of sex, and her stubbornness to try new things/see a doctor. I'm afraid (and sure) if we get engaged/married, I am basically telling her (without saying it) that her behavior over these 5 years has been acceptable, and I'm okay with it. thereforeeee, I'll get the same amount of sex as I've been getting (even less). When we first started having sex, it would be once/week. It's dwindled to once/month. What do I do here if she won't listen/talk about sex, gets upset when I ask for sex more than once/month, etc. Now it's not as if I'm "bad" at sex. All I get is missionary...and with previous girls, I have gotten them off.
  18. I was raped one year ago today. Time flies so quickly. Today started out as a good day, but it ended up being quite emotional. I set out to purchase some clothes and things for my trip. But unfortunately I didn't accomplish that. I realize that I've come such a long way. Although the future is still a little scary. I feel a little glad because I know myself better now. After the rape I didn't know myself at all. All I knew was that there were so many horrible things happening to me that I couldn't understand or control. And I couldn't think most of the time. But I feel like I'm getting to know myself all over again. I'm really happy about that. Thanks for your support, it's helped me through a really rough time. *Espicially early in the morning when I'm afraid to sleep.
  19. Dear eNotAloners the topic of this "Ask the Expert" discussion is "How to Get and Keep the Person You Desire". You may post your questions for Rhonda now in this thread. Rhonda will start posting answers tomorrow and the discussion will be open until Tuesday. About Rhonda Findling Rhonda has appeared as a relationship expert on several national talk shows including Ricki Lake, Geraldo, Maury Povitch, Eye Witness News, Good Day New York, Carnie, Ilyana, Tempest and Judith Regan Tonight. She has appeared on radio shows nationwide. She has led workshops and seminars throughout New York and L.A. including the Learning Annex, the 92nd St. Y and Hazelden. Rhonda has been featured in the New York Post, Los Angeles Times, Newsday, Rocky Mountain News, Cosmopolitan magazines, Latina Magazine and Today's Black Woman. Her articles have appeared in Complete Woman Magazine and Essense. Rhonda was a psychotherapist on the staff of Post Graduate Center for Mental Health in New York for 13 years. Rhonda also worked as a psychologist for the State of New York for three years. She was a counselor for Victims Information Bureau where she counseled victims of rape, sexual assault, and spouse abuse. She taught psychology and counseling classes at Marymount College in New York City. Rhonda has a Masters Degree in clinical psychology and is certified as a rehabilitation counselor. She's been in private practice 16 years and is available for in-person and phone consultations.
  20. I went to therapy tonight. It was okay. I really needed it. I feel better. I'm going to work on getting out of my parents house by summer. I love my parents, but they make a lot of flipant remarks. My mother is judgemental and my father, well, he doesn't get the notion of "I need some space". Anywho, I have to look out for myself. I want to get better too, and I need to get out of this house to do so. I just feel......I don't know. Part of me feels glad that I'll have something to work towards. And part of me feels so sad. Sad that I can't rely on my parents when I need them the most. Sorry that they'll never understand or be able to empathize with what I've gone through, and not just the rape, but everything else too. Sad that they don't see how much the things they say and do hurts me. I'm so emotional these days, I cry so frequently, but at least now I realize that I'm this way for a reason. Thinking about those reason makes me a little bit sadder. But there is hope, good news, I think that living on my own will help me greatly. I'll have a place where I can go to relax, to think, to be. I won't have to walk around with my guard up all of the time. I think I'd smile more. I can be me without being critized by my family. I can breathe. I think the weight and confidence will gradually come back when I reclaim my personal space. I didn't realize how much I really needed to be on my own. I'm happy thinking about it....well I feel more peaceful thinking about it. My boyfriend and I have settled on the 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom apartment. I, personally, feel more comfortable with the idea of the 2 bedroom, 2 bath. So, my boyfriend will be away for about a year. Maybe I could live in the two bedroom and move to the 3 bedroom when he arrives. I need a place that I can afford. If I get a second job I'll be able to afford the 3bd. but will I be able to live comfortably? No. So...I think I'll get the 2 bd. and move when he gets here. I want to get better, I really do, and at least now I have a better idea of how I'll do that. I'll be living on my own. I can't believe it. I'll be supporting myself, my own money. I really like that idea. Although I'm a little too tired and _____ to really appreciate it at this moment. Well, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. ~Grace I feel so sad right now. I think about the rape more frequently than I care to, but I mostly think about the events preceding it. And I feel so sad. I think about how that girl was so happy, weeks before the rape. Isn't that sad. I never seriously thought about it before, but now it hurts. She knew I was going to be raped, and she was so happy about setting me up! How could I have not been tipped off about her behavior. Over a date, she doesn't get that happy about anything. And at the time I thought she was happy to play match-maker. Now.......now that I understand.......how could a person be so cruel?! And why? To be so happy in anticipation of the horrible thing she was about to do. I mean, she did so many horrible things, but.......I don't know, as time goes by I see more. I can actually see things more clearly as time passes and it only yields more pain. I can see her facial expressions, that look on her face, her laugh, how thrilled she was...and I was so stupid!!! How could I be so stupid, the whole time! The whole time! And I could only see it when it was too late. It's like watching a movie, and realizing that I'm the dumb one, obilvious to everything. Why weren't my eyes opened? Why was I so blind? And I remember thinking that her behavior was strange. She was doing strange things, and I just dismissed it. I told myself that everyone is different, and it was no big deal, just her quirky-ness. And I feel so sick. So sick. I mean she knew so much about me. About how much I had been through. About the abusive relationship, and the stalker. She knew how much crap I had been through. Everything, and it was all just a game. Why was I so nice to her? I should have kept my distance. I should have known. The signs were there. But I just thought she was human, and thereforeeee different than me. I didn't know that she was evil. I didn't believe that she would do anything to hurt me. But I should have. Time and again she showed me that she didn't have my best interest at heart. But they were such small things. Things stated in conversations. Bad suggestions. Why me? Was I such an easy target? Was I so much fun to torture. Why did she find me being raped to be fun and exciting? Why did she hurt me after I had already been hurt so much? Again and again and again, she found ways to hurt me more. She used me when I was in shock. She kept tabs on me, tried to keep me from telling. She even had me drive 30min. to take out her trash under the pretense that she had a puppy who she forgot to leave food out for. Needless to say when I got there, there was no puppy in sight. How could she be so cruel. I was hurting and in pain...so much pain, and you want to add insult on top of extreme injury...and have me go out of my way to empty your trash!!! I can't get over that hurt just yet. How could I have let someone so evil get so close to me and not even know it? She was a snake, I didn't see her, and she bit me, and I'm still trying to bleed out the poison. How do I get it out of my system? And I was pretty, and slim, and........afterwards, I put on so much weight and she lost so much weight.....and then she was pretty and thin. Does that mean anything? And she tried to buy me off?! She wanted to buy me something to hush me up and make everything all better. What? What did she think? Did she think that buying me something would erase all of the things that she did. That it would make up for her setting me up and trying to shut me up and for him raping me? That b****! And I almost killed myself because of her. Because of the things she told me that he said, and she laughed!!!! She laughed!!! What's so funny about me being raped?! What's so funny! I'm hurt and angry and crying and all she can do is laugh and say "you're so funny!" I'm so broken because of this whole mess, because of everything, and all I can think about is her laughing at me. Am I that worthless? I felt so ashamed, ripped, and broken.......
  21. Hey Guys!!! I was just watching this episode of dateline and.....well, it was about this rape that occurred. I just want to say THANK YOU GUYS SO VERY MUCH!!! I've just thought of the things I've been through and there has always been someone from this community to love and support me. And it means the world. Rape is always complicated, never clear or easy, and always hard to discuss. Whenever I've needed to vent, or cry, or scream, or comtimplated a new way of thinking, enotalone has been here for me. I mean, this is the best resource ever! Thank you guys! You've affected my life in only the most wonderful ways! @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Okay, now I guess I'll talk about my feelings, LOL! Anywho, first of all, thinking about rape makes my head hurt. I can talk about the crazy emotions I have as a result of it........ But it's complicated. And sometimes the whole 'rape thing' gets old even for me. It's so exhausting. I don't know, it feels like the side-effects (aftermath) of rape is so long and drawn out. I just want to be happy, ya know. Why is happiness so hard to come by these days? I want things to be simple. I mean, I just want to lose weight. Why does everything tie into something else? I just want to be okay. It's like no matter what, I don't do what is necessary to lose weight! It's ridiculously crazy!!! I always thought that if you could acknowledge something you could change it. I've acknowledged that I have a phobia of being thin (check). I can acknowledge that I have no real incentive to lose weight (check). And last but not least I've acknowledge that I just simply need to lose weight (check). I want to like myself again. I want to stop being suicidal. I want so many things right? Part of me doesn't want to feel. I wish there was a magic pill that could make me feel all better. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Anywho, this lady went to the police after her rapist sent her an apology letter after the fact. I believe she did the right thing. I don't think I'll ever be in that situation, because I already reported it. I feel like I've left the punishment part in the hands of the law. I wouldn't want to go to court. I think that it would be too much to go to court. Personally I don't want to see him, or Ariel again. I don't know. I don't think I have that much of a problem with the rapist and his accomplice anymore (or maybe I'm in denial), I just have a problem with all of the emotions. I'm tired of being sad about it. I'm tired of being angry with myself. And I'm so angry with myself.....because I couldn't protect me. That's hurts more than anything.......more than being betrayed and set-up by a close friend, more than being raped............I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me. That I couldn't foresee or stop it. I can't seem to move past that. I mean........okay, maybe I should just admit that they were smarter than me. They were much smarter. They set me up, and I didn't have a clue. Maybe it's a fun game they like to play. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. Who know, they are childhood friends, they could have been doing it for years. But when did she decide to do it? I mean, she knows other people. Was it because I was close to her? Was it because I was just too easy a target? I mean, who would care if the side-effects weren't so horrible? I mean.........I don't know. When he raped me, it really really hurt. And then everything else. I mean it makes me head swim. There is absolutely no way I will ever be able to digest this, too much cruelty at once. And that's all that I walk away with. I walk away knowing that the world is full of cruelty and I can't understand it. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ I'm confused. I'm soooooo confused. Okay, how can I live life when I am no longer blind to the fact that in an instant my life can be completely destroyed and I can do nothing about it. Then, I know God loves me, and I know man has free will (okay this is just a piece I'm trying to fit into everything else, I'm trying to find out where this belongs). Then I realize I was raped, I realize I was betrayed and set up by a friend. That is so clear right? Why do I feel confused about that. I can put all of the pieces together of before, during, and after the rape (aside from moments when I blacked out). Okay, that's okay in my mind. I guess that hardest thing is all of these disorders. I mean maybe the chronic post traumatic stress disorder is making things hard. Or the anxiety disorder, or the depression. I feel like I don't have my brain. I feel like things aren't in order. I have these crazy emotions and then a bunch of thoughts just floating around in my head. I guess I just want to connect the thoughts and the emotions. I just want to cry because I feel like, after the rape, my brain fell apart. And it seemed to get worse as time progressed. How long does post traumatic stress disorder last? I should look that up on the internet. I stopped taking my depression medication so that I could lose weight. My parents are glad, they've never liked me being on medicine. My mom believes that me not being on medicine shows my strength. I don't feel very strong so that made me feel better. Without the medicine, I feel. I feel more human. But with the medicine, my brain works better, I function much better. I'm not sure what to do. Why I am so sad? When does rape ever just go away?
  22. I don't really know whether to considered this rape or not. My best friend from the time we were kids confess that she was violated once by a stranger when she was 11 years old. Just like me, she also doesn't know if it was rape because only there was no penetration, instead she was forced to perform and receive oral sex. When it was done, the stranger told her that if a word come out of her, then it would be worst. I read somewhere that rape is when either oral, anal, or vaginal sex is done against the victim's will but to most people, penetration would have to occur.
  23. It's interesting to note all the variations on what people feel rape is. Simply put, rape is non-consensual sex. We've had everything from rape being: A). sex without consent obtained verbally and throughout the act B). rape being what a "reasonable person" would consider it to be C). sex that the perpetrator knows is against the will of the victim In the latter case, of course, rape is only what the rapist defines it to be. Convenient for the rapist, not so good for their victims. However, consider that some of the posters may come from areas where women have few legal rights, and laws against rape may be new to those societies. Those people do not understand a legal tradition that springs from a culture where women have had rights for hundreds of years. Both traditions will feel they are "right;" both will be sure they are occupying the moral high ground. So, without expecting consensus of opinion, it is worth considering our personal idea of what rape is. Even within a single culture, there will be differences of opinion. For example, some people may feel that rape is impossible in a marital relationship; the battered wife in hospital with a perforated intestine would beg to differ. Can we imagine a man who uses sex to hurt his wife? Can we then agree that rape is possible within a marital situation? I define rape for myself as sex that is non-consensual at any point in the act. For example, if I went in for a surgery, signed the papers, willingly went under the anaesthetic, and then the surgeon went to town on me and did all kinds of horrible things, he would be thrown in jail. If he removed the wrong organ, he would be again be liable. My consent to surgery did not imply consent to him doing whatever he wanted. My body was my own at all times during the surgery; thus, he didn't have the right to do whatever he wanted, and it was incumbent on him to obtain consent for the actual procedures he performed. Similiarly, my consent to be in the same room with a man, does not imply consent to sex. In some cultures, it does. My consent to sleep in the same bed with a man does not imply consent to sex. To some people, it does. My consent to begin sex does not imply consent to finish, or do anything the other person wants; I have control over my body even then, and if my partner wants to do something I don't want to do, I have the right to say no. Even if I have already begun having sex. Many people question, is it rape: If you're compensated for it afterward, with money, gifts or favours? If you're unconscious, and unable to feel anything or give/deny consent? If you're married, or s/he's your boyfriend/girlfriend? If you have had a prior sexual relationship with this person? If you don't say no? If you don't fight? If you had an orgasm? If the rapist is a woman and the victim a man? For me, rape is that act that denies that we have the right to take control of what happens to us at all times. Consent is an on-going event, not a one-time thing. Consent to one act does not imply consent to others; many women who enjoy straight or vanilla sex would refuse to be tied up and gagged, or to engage in a threesome. We all, men and women, have the right to refuse, at any point, anything that we do not want. I am taking personal rights to the furthest extreme in this regard, but ultimately, if anyone feels that they do not agree, and that they would happily cede control of their body to someone who would hurt them or debase them, that person may argue in good conscience with me.
  24. This is a hypothetical situation. A guy and a girl are both consenting to sex. They start fooling around. In the beginning, no protection is being used. The guy is only externally putting his genitals against the girls genitals. Things heat up, the guy puts his penis inside the girl just a little bit n keeps "teasing' her this way. She likes it, shes consenting. Then it progresses. Guy puts it in all the way, girl is still consenting. Girl decides that this isn't right for her. So she tells the guy to stop and put a condom on. He says "I will in a minute." Girl goes along with it for a minute and then says "okay dude put a condom on." He keeps going. Girl says stop! ooops too late. Guy cums inside of her. Could this be classified as rape?
  25. How's this for messed up. My girlfriend broke up with me, I didn't want to and I'm still deeply in love with her. She still wants to be "friends". I've always been her emotional rock as she has had an extremely bad childhood (abusive mother, raped at the age of six by somebody she trusted). Now she has broken my heart but still expects me to stick around and be her shoulder to cry on. She says she feels very safe when she is around me because she knows I would never let anyone hurt her, but she is going through so much right now she can't be in a relationship. I know that I need NC so I can heal, as seeing her and talking to her so often tears me apart inside, but I am afraid of what she would do without me supporting her emotionally. She has attempted suicide and I know I have pulled her from the brink several times. I have no idea what I should do, please any help is appreciated.
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