Gracelove

Why am I angry things time? A lot of reasons really, but right now....because I have no money. No money, none at all. And my dad went to counseling with me today, and I'm sick of my parents, and my boyfriend doesn't want to hang out today.....shall I go on? Oh yes, and my boyfriend's cat in nuts. He eats enough for two cats and runs all over the house like a maniac. My poor kitten has had just about enough of him. He always tackles her, my poor baby. N-Eways, they've upped my meds and I sleep all day. Is there ever any relief? I mean really, something's got to give. What am I going to do? Usually I turn to food for comfort, but I don't have money for food. Any suggestions? I don't want to ask my boyfriend/fiance for money. It just isn't fair. I'm exhausted. To say the least What shall I do?

My parents annoy the crap out of me. I was suicidal Friday night, and the only thing they care about is that I didn't want to cook on Saturday. !!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me, suicide vs. cooking, hummmmmmm....... Isn't one much more serious than the other. Okay, I've been emotionally and verbally abused Stalked Raped I've been diagnosed with Major depression and Anxiety disordered I take hella meds I don't sleep well at night with or without medicine I'm trying to finish classes and go to the gym regularly Actually, I'm re-learning how to live how to take care of myself again how to eat regularly, do my nails, do my hair, change my clothes, shower everyday instead of just sitting around forcing myself to accept the fact that I will now always feel dirty.................. What more do they want from me other than to keep trying to live???? What more can I give? I try so hard, sometimes I feel like nobody hears me when I cry. My tears are always silent. Silent while being abused, silent while being raped, slient afterwards..... So many things have happened in my life, but it seems only two periods really matter now. Before and after rape. Actually four, During and after abuse and then before and after rape. I mean they are only a month apart, so they shouldn't really be viewed as separate, but they are. Thank you to all of you who have responded to me these past few days. I know all of you by name. I feel so ashamed. I haven't been reply to anyone one else's post. But i don't know what I would say.... I can't say "hang in there", how can I tell somebody that when I'm trying so hard to convince myself to do the same thing? I can't. What reasons could I give? Everything will get better? I honestly don't know anymore.... I just keep thinking that I can't take anything else. I can't lose anything else, I can't.... I can't lose my cats or lose my fiance, I would die. I believe me, I am trying so hard to live. It's a daily fight, I use all of my energy. And I'm so afraid of something else coming to knock me down because I won't make it. All of my fighting will be for nothing. And I know Jesus loves me but I don't understand any of it anymore. I don't understand life anymore. Something can happen at any moment and just destroy you. And there's nothing you can do, nothing. But get stepped all over. I think it's a horrible thing for someone to have to battle with themself, convince themself not to kill themself. It doesn't make sense, it has to be against nature, if there is anyone who should be on your side, it's you. But at times I feel divided. Like one part of me is intent on death and the other is trying to live. It isn't fair... My life makes no sense. And I'm so scared. I'm scared of myself. My parents don't see it, they make so many demands. But all I can request of myself is to keep trying to live...keep trying please. I'm so scared, and I'm so lost. Completely, and utterly lost

It's another day. And I'm still depressed. This is awful! I know it may sound silly to say I'm depressed when I've been diagnosed with major depression...however I am feeling extremely depressed right now. I hate sleeping. Sleeping is the enemy. Since the rape I don't have pleasant dreams. I don't have the pleasant or entertaining dreams I've had since birth. I have weird and uncomfortable dreams. The dreams I instantly want to wake up from, but for some reason I can't. I feel like giving up. I feel like I don't have anything to offer anybody. Yesterday I had to drive two hours pick up my medicine, like I have to do every month. It's hard on me because I stopped going to that city after I was raped there, however I have to make the trip in order to get the meds. Well yesterday I was also diagnosed as having anxiety disorder. Just one more thing.... It's always one thing after another. Although the diagnoses explains a lot, it definitely doesn't make me feel any better about myself. And the worse part about it is that I don't want to be around anyone. I would normally visit my boyfriend/fiance because I love him and realized I needed him. But I don't want to be with him right now either. I feel like the only thing I have to offer is badness. I even have a new beautiful kitten, and I didn't have the energy to play with her yesterday after my appointment. Yesterday I was suicidal and I was thinking of how would take care of her after I was gone. My fiance would definitely take care of her. I'm just.....I'm just so afraid of losing everything I have. I don't think I could stand for anything else to be taken away from me. Do you know that I can't even re-visit most days in my mind. Reviewing one day is enough to make me break down in tears. Who does this? It's awful. What do I do with myself. My medication dosage has been increased and I took the sleeping medicine last night...and I still feel horrible this morning. I feel awful. I don't want to be around anyone. I spent all of my money yesterday because I really didn't intend on being here today. I'm all spent. I have nothing left to give. I can't even be happy, what then do I have to give to anyone else? Depression? I like to uplift people, not bring them down. I feel like just being in the presense of another person would seriously depress them. But then I'm afraid that if I continue to sit here, alone I will never get better. I'm so afraid. And I'm angry. I'm angry at the rapist and I'm angry at Ariel ( who is the girl that is just as responsible as he is). It isn't fair!!! She lied to me! She was my friend and I trusted her and she lied to me! Again and again. If she wouldn't have been that way or done the things she did I wouldn't have been raped! Everybody's free, everyone but me. But am I to do? I can't....I just can't. Trial....that sounds nice. Ya know, eventually. But it's not going to happen. There is no longer any physical evidence. And it is the rapist and Ariel's word against mine. I won't be victimized again. I won't be ripped apart and stepped all over. I have to take care of myself. And I'm sad, I'm sooo sad. Because I know he's raped others before me and will rape more after me. He's a monster, and I can't stop him!!! I can't even walk outside my own door! I have no evidence. And I'm in soooo much pain. Why does he do this to women? You know, I've been going to therapy, and remembering more things. Things are starting to come together. And it looks like Ariel feeds him girls!!! Can you believe that!!! The whole thing really looks like a set-up!!!! Other people said it, but I wasn't able to accept it! How could I be "friends" with someone that horrible!!! How could I not see who she really was!!! Why would anyone do something sooooo horrible!!!! And I want nothing more than to protect his next victim. But I'm sure it's already too late. If we could all just encourage each other. How can he do this!!! The only thing that brings me in comfort is knowing that God will punish him. I don't know what to do guys. What should I do?

I don't want to be here anymore. My life no longer has value. I'm through. There is always something new. Something more horrible around the corner. Nothing can be stopped. And to just think, a few months ago I was worried about an abusive stalker. Who knew how worse things would get? They are horrible. I survived the stalker only to run head on into a rapist. I don't want to be here anymore. It's too much for me to handle, too painful, no relief. What do I do? There is nothing for me to do. There is no one for me to talk to. I want to die, and that's that. Dying can't be more horrible than the life I'm living know. If I can undergo months of agony, what's a few seconds more? In case I don't make it, my rapist's name is Jonathan Blocker. He attends morehouse college. I suggest every woman stay away from him. Every person should keep their daughters and sisters and aunts and mothers away from him. I think I died the night he raped me.

I think about dying a lot these days. More often than I should. I get sick a lot. And there's nothing anyone can do for me because it's "depression related". How much longer am I supposed to be in pain??? It's not just emotional, but physical...and the physical is supposed to be related to the emotional...and I just want it all to stop. Who cares where it comes from or why? It's there, and I just want it to go away. Why is living so hard? And it's not just the rape. The rape isn't the only time I've taken advantage of or treated as if I were nothing. What gives someone else the right to commit a crime against another person? And a random person at that. What gives someone the right to enter into someone's life, mess it up, and walk away unscathed? How does something like that just happen? I don't want to be a victim, I never did. But here I am...victimized, how am I supposed to live with that? And I feel like dirt, I feel like the lowest of the low. I feel unworthy of good things. How do I convince myself that I didn't deserved to be raped? If I didn't deserve it then why did it happen to me? What have I done to be treated so badly? I just can't understand it. And I try, and I try, daily, and I can never figure it out. I can't figure it out and it just drives me crazy, and I just want to die. I can't keep living in pain like this. I'm tired of being abused just because I'm in existence, it's not fair. Why should I be mistreated just because I'm there? How in the world am I supposed to protect myself? Somebody, please tell me! I don't know how to do it! And I need to know. How can I continue living if I can't protect myself. It's better being dead. Living daily in pain isn't living. I don't live anymore, all I do is feel pain. What kind of life is that? Why am I this way? I can't take it you guys. I can't take this anymore.

Hey Everyone!!! Thank you so very much for all of your support! I really appreciate it. I'll try my hardest to think of the rape as not being my fault. Logically I know that it wasn't my fault at all, but emotionally….I need someone to blame. I know that I should blame the rapist because he is at fault. But it's like I don't have the energy to be angry with him. I don't have much energy at all these days. I think it would be much easier to move past the rape if I hadn't been diagnosed as having major depression as a result of the rape. Depression is a daily struggle. I had no idea that rape could affect every aspect of a person's world. I have trouble sleeping, panic attacks. My dreams aren't even the same. And I'm always tired, drained, all-day, everyday, it never goes away. Nothing helps. I take two medicines for my depression; one is an anti-depressant and the other is a mild anti-depressant that helps me to sleep. I don't know, it's all just really, really hard. I think I'm adjusting pretty well though, and there has been so much adjusting to do. I don't think the same; I have difficulty with memory, and I don't think as quickly as I used to. There are just so many aspects of depression due to trauma. I can't even speak of all of the struggles, because just thinking of some of them makes me cry. As far as forgiving the guy….? I don't know. Part of me believes I've forgiven him because when I think of him……I almost have no feeling. I think I might have forgiven him because I don't have the energy to waste on being upset with him. I know the type of person he is, and I think he is a horribly self-centered person. I think he's mean-spirited. I think he should be punished. Without punishment there is absolutely nothing to prevent him from doing it again. I really don't want another person to suffer the way I have. What he is doing to people is inhumane. I don't want anyone to end up committing suicide. It's a horrible way to feel. I don't think it's fair for someone to feel so completely devastated that they are unable to continue living this life. I believe there are different degrees related to being suicidal. I've been suicidal before and have had suicidal thoughts in the past. But those experiences weren't comparable to being suicidal after the rape. It was really quite scary. It was over-whelming, completely over-whelming. There weren't thoughts going through my head really, I wasn't feeling like I wanted to kill myself. There was this overwhelming feeling of agony, I could barely withstand it. The feeling would come over me in waves like the waves of an ocean. You could see/feel the waves coming, but they were un-stoppable. It was absolutely horrible, and they increased in intensity. At first I wanted anything that would relieve it…in those cases it's not that the person wants to die, they just need something to help ease the intense agony or pain they are feeling. I took a few too many tylenol, which wasn't good because I had a little bit of alcohol in my system and I hadn't really eaten anything for a couple of days. After that first wave died down, I grabbed my things, got in my car, and drove as far away from my apartment as I could make it. I didn't want to die, but I knew that if I was there when another wave hit, I would die. I ended up driving to an abandoned parking lot, and I ended up staying there. It's good I was able to get out when I did, because the waves only increased in intensity. It's one of the most scary experiences I've ever had. I don't think I've ever felt so out of control of my own body or in so much pain. I couldn't trust myself. At a time like that you'll take anything that will stop the pain it's really unbearable. When it got really bad I looked all over my car for some sleeping pills that I used to keep. At the peak of a "wave", you can't do anything really, just suffer through it, and it's excruciating. It was so scary because I didn't know how long this experience would be or how frequently they would come. It was a complete nightmare. What if the next girl doesn't have a car? What if she is unable to isolate herself from harmful things? At the worst moments if there had been bleach or cyanide within arms reach I would have consumed them in an instant, anything to stop the pain. I don't even really think there is a thought process behind it, you're just frantic, desperate to make it stop. I'm so scared for the next person he'll rape. I'm so scared. My parents are set on prosecuting the rapist after I complete school I believe. But I know my chances of winning are slim to none. There is no evidence. It's my word against his word, and the word of my ex-friend. Two people against one. I guess I'm mostly concerned about my safety right now. I'm not in the best place emotionally or mentally right now. A trial would tear me apart. I can't even talk about the minute details, let alone discuss them in front of others. I stick to the basics of the rape, but the details….I don't even allow myself to think about them. Well, anyways, I guess that's enough for now. I just want to thank you guys for helping me through this difficult time. I'll be sure to post again soon, with answers to your previous questions. Have a great day! Sincerely, Grace

Hey Guys, it’s me!!! I have a confession to make…I hate the person I’ve become. I feel so bad about myself. I’ve been home visiting my family this week….and things have been going well, my boyfriend has even come up to visit…..but I’m so sad, and angry with myself because I’ve been trying to convince myself that maybe the rape was just one big misunderstanding or mistake. At times I feel like I can almost buy into it. Isn’t that horrible? At times I feel like I could even make myself believe it. In those times I feel like a fraud. And I’m scared, is this normal? It’s just that everything is going so great here at home, I even smile and laugh a lot more. And there is a part of me..that wants to doubt myself. And it feels so awful because the rape isn’t something I can forget, so why do I have this overwhelming urge to discount myself in order to accept a lie? Why? I feel like two people you know. There is one that cares about me, and another who will sell me out in order to make everything “pretty” and okay to look at or think about. And both parts of me are so strong, I feel like crap. And I also feel like I can’t forgive myself. And I don’t care that I was drugged, I just don’t forgive myself, and it’s awful. I’ve always been super-critical of myself, and unfortunately that won’t change just because I’ve been raped. I can’t help but be furious with myself I feel like the whole thing was completely my fault. My therapist says that he raped me because I just happened to be there and he would have raped anybody. I don’t believe that, I think it was completely my fault that I was raped, and I almost hate myself for it. I just I wish I knew the exact reason he chose to rape me. He must have sensed that I was weak or naïve or something. It had to have been something. I had to have been or done something to make him think that he could rape me. And the fact that he raped me after knowing me for about only 2 hours, hurts the most. Was he able to size me up that quickly? Was I wearing easy target on my forehead? Maybe if I would have been a little more mean. What would have happened if I would have been mean to him the second I met him? Would I have been raped then? Or what if I said that I was tired and didn’t want to go on that date? Or maybe if I knew that girl wasn’t my friend and that I shouldn’t have trusted her. What did I do to make her dislike me so much? I mean you have to dislike a person to do what she did. And I was such a good friend to her, I loved her, thought she was a fabulous person. How could I? Am I really that stupid? I should have known. I feel like a complete idiot. And how could I ever convince a court or a judge that he is at fault when I feel that I am. In all honesty, how? I am such a sell-out. Even after the rape I was in some kind of la-la land. I knew I was raped, but I pretended that I wasn’t. Why?! Why?! How could a person do that to themselves?! What was wrong with me?! How could I? When I got home I just laid there on my bed and wrapped myself in covers, I was sooo cold, and I just rocked myself. What kind of person does that? Why didn’t I go to the police? The thought crossed my mind. But I know why I didn’t. I felt that I would be over-reacting. That the police would probably laugh at me or ask me a million questions. I was just so scared to go by myself. I didn’t think I could make it. I couldn’t drive myself there, not alone. I’m so weak! How could I be like that? So all I could do was….nothing. And I hate myself for it guys. I feel like I deserved to be raped. It’s all my fault. I should have been a better person. I’ve always been friendly, but maybe I’m too nice. People always mistake kindness for weakness, maybe if I was mean, he wouldn’t have thought that I was a weak and easy target. I know I haven’t talked about this before, but this is how I feel each and everyday. I feel that it’s my fault. And the rape was such an awful experience ya know. I don’t know what to do. Forgetting would be great….but that would be the ultimate betrayl, I couldn’t do that to myself. But why do I struggle? I’ve made that decision to stick by the truth, why then is it so hard? Why do I, from time to time, in my own little world, try to believe that maybe just maybe, the whole things can be excused? It's 2:50am and I can't sleep, please help.

Thank you Strangefellow for the well wishes, I do firmly believe that God will answer my prayers. Thank you also for the scripture Robowarrior. It is true that Jesus asks us not to seek revenge because vengence is his, which is exactly why I have not sought out to harm my rapist. But Jesus also said that he will give me the desires of my heart. And that he will punish those who harm his people/children. God said vengence is his, and he can harm anyone better than you or I could, which is why I ask him to allow my rapist to at least feel that emotions that I have felt as a result of the rape. I believe in speaking things into being. And I know that Jesus hears my prayers. He is a God of justice. And even though I forgive my rapist that doesn't exempt him from whatever punishment he is deserving of as a result of his actions. God said he will bless those that bless me and curse those that curse me. The rapist has cursed me, and he will be cursed. I see nothing wrong with praying as David prayed: Psalms Chapters 35 & 36

Father God, I ask that you let the rapist (name) have the feelings of agony, insanity, hopelessness, helplessness, anxiety, loniness, distress, exhaustion, deep & unshakable shame, nausea, and sleeplessness I have experienced as a result of the rape. Allow him to experience major depression , extreme sorrow, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, chaos, memory loss, the inability to hold down a job or continue his education as the result of a mental & physical condition. Let him experience extreme weight gain extreme heart pain, and the extreme struggle that I have endured as a result of facing and attempting to overcome all of the emotions and symptoms resulting from rape. Allow him to experience these emotions and symptoms 10 times over, as well as any other negative emotions, that I have forgotten to mention or am unable to articulate. Let him wake up every morning and go to bed every night with the heinous act he committed on his mind. Let him see it everytime he looks in the mirror, let it haunt his dreams as it has mine. Let those close to him feel the same anger towards him that I have felt within since the rape. Let him feel betrayl from his family and friends as I have felt by the girl (whom I believe was a friend) that betrayed me by siding with him. Allow him to only feel any type of relief [1 minute in duration] when he admits to others [including his parents and the authorities] that he has raped me. Allow him to only feel relief [of the duration of a day] after he has confessed his crime to at least 500 people. Do all of this for me Jesus if it is your w ill.

How are you doing? I hope all is well with you. Thank you so much for the information on rape. I believe my rape is most closely related to the "Power rape". It makes me feel bad, ya know. That he would do that to someone and then not even be satisfied. I knew he would do it again, but I thought he would do it because it was so easy and he felt he had accomplished something. Again, thank you for the information. I believe it will help me heal. Understanding has been lacking for me, at least that's how I feel. I've struggled to understand why someone would want to do that to another person. Who could be so cruel. The information helps me to understand a little bit better and that's very helpful. Thanks a bunch ~Grace

Thanks for the advice snowgirl! You're right, it will come out one way or the other. I'm starting to vent more now. Times are really tough. I had no idea that rape encomposed so much, and was so complex. Thanks for your support! Lots of love! ~Grace

Hang in there, k. Things will be alright. I know how painful things like that can be. It would be best for you to stay away from him, but I know that can be so hard. It's not easy. And it's much easier said than done. But just try your best. If you stay with him things will get worse. You've got to protect yourself. You shouldn't be ashamed of doing that. It doesn't mean that you're not a good person or that you're self-centered. You've got to protect yourself. You have to be just as willing to protect yourself as you are ready to give him another chance. You're important too. Actually you're most important, because if you don't take care of you, you won't be around any longer. You can still be the caring and compassionate person that you are and be protective of yourself. Please take care of yourself, and stay away for your current boyfriend, do it for yourself. He will hurt you, and things will get much worse. Staying away may be really hard, but try to, k. Good luck with everything, k.

Hey everyone, thanks for your support. I am still seeking counseling. I am getting married next year and my fiance is supportive. I'm glad I've been able to resolve things with that girl as well. I don't know...many times before now I've gotten the feeling that she is checking up on me, for him. It has seemed as if she was digging for information. When I told her that I was raped, she asked me if I would prosecute him. She became so insensitive after I told her I had been raped. She would call to "check up on me", but she was never sincere. I felt as if she was calling to keep tabs on me, determine whether I was going to take action. It's so hard to describe right now, and it's so hurtful. I am having such a hard time. I'm glad that I've ended my friendship with her, but I'm still so hurt. I've known her for 4 years, I thought she was a good friend. After telling her, I felt bad too. It hurts that she doesn't believe me. I'm honest, and she should know that, my other friends do. It's so hard to get to the point where you can admit to yourself you were raped, it's soooo hard to face. It's ugly and unpleasant, and also a really damaging act. Then it's like, after a lot of work and pain, and tears, you are finally able to tell someone. And I can't get past it. I know it's not my fault that I was drugged and raped, and betrayed by a close friend.....but I still feel guilty, I feel guilty because I should have immediately known these people were bad. I should have known. How could I have not known? I should have picked up on something. I should have known they were this way. Anyways, I won't have to talk to her again. But there is a strong possibility that I will see her again. I have to have meeting with one of my teachers, and that teacher is her advisor, so she's often in the office. I just want to thank you guys for your support. I really need it right now. Things have gotten pretty rough. After I complete school this fall, I'm pretty sure we're going to take legal action (my parents and I, they know about everything now). How am I going to face that? How will I deal with it? What if it goes to court? How am I going to get on a stand and say what happened to me? I'll be so terrified. My brain is so screwed up because of the trauma of the rape. What will I do. I can remember the parts that I remember. That's fine. My therapist say that I'm gradually regaining more of my memory. What about the part that I don't remember. My therapist says I may never fully regain all of my memory back. The rapist will lie of course....but why does that idea hurt my feelings. It's horrible that he would rape me and lie. I know he will, but it isn't right. I'm afraid I'll be raped up there again on the stand. I'll have to relive everything that I remember. I'm sure that his lawyer will probably yell at me, and call me a liar, and say that I'm a horrible person. What will I do??? What if I have a break down? I am sooo afraid of that possibility. It's so hard for me to function now, what will happen to me if I have to go to court. Right now, I'm a wreck. I can't even hold a regular job. My mind is a mess and I get panic attacks sometimes. What will I do? I don't want to be raped again. I don't want the whole world knowing that I've been raped. I'm already on anti-depressants and sleep medicine. What's going to happen to me if I lose all of the progress I've made? I am getting married, ya know. I'm trying to improve myself. I don't want a trial to rip me apart, and ruin my life. I don't want the rape to continue to ruin my life. I've got to protect myself. I've got to stay safe. I don't want to become crazy or so depressed that I end my life. I don't want that, I don't. But sometimes just thinking about everything bring me so much agony. I feel pain, extreme pain and it won't go away. Nothing makes it go away. I can't take that kind of life. I can't live that kind of life. I don't know how, it's too overwhelming, and I can't bare it. I don't know what to do. What will I do?

First I'd like to say that you seem like a decent person. You are able to admit what you've done and you have extreme remorse over the situation, so that's great! I haven't ever been in your situation, but I know exactly how it feels when you're down. Definitely don't beat up on yourself. I think you should think of something that would make you feel better. Do you have any close friends who can help you through this difficult time? Talking to others really helps sometimes. Um, in regards to telling your girlfriend what happened.....I think that sooner is much better than later. Do you know her views on cheating? Does she view it as being acceptable or possible to stay in a relationship and work things out being cheated on? If you don't know, maybe you could find out somehow, by asking her questions (but don't be obvious). I think you should definitely tell her. Chances are, whether it's soon or later, she will find out. It's best to hear it from you. In relationships, I think the only worse than being cheated on, is being cheated on and then lied to. Trust is necessary for a relationship to work. I think your chances at salvaging your relationship are much better if you're honest with her. If I were cheated on, of course I'd be extremely hurt, but I could see myself working it out because he told me up front. If my boyfriend lied to me about it, then I couldn't see any way of being with him. I definitely wouldn't be able to trust him then. If he lied about something as big as cheating on me, then what else will he, or has he, lied about? Now instead of losing some credibility by cheating on me, he will have lost all credibility for cheating on me and then lying to me. There would be nothing left to build on. I know that the thought of telling her must be absolutely terrifying. I would suggest thinking of a way to break it to her. Make sure she is some place where she'll be able to be alone if she'd like. Don't do it in a public place or a place that she feels is her domain (her house or room for example). Is there a quite place in walking distance of her home? Don't just come out and say, "I cheated on you with my ex". I mean the act was harsh, but phrasing it that way will only make hearing it much harder. Prepare her some how if you can.....tell her that you have something very important to tell her (and be sincere, you'll probably be sad and nervous about it so let it show).. ..or that you've made a horrible decision that may devestate the relationship ship.....that you've done something really hurtful against her, and that you have no idea how you can make it up to her but you'll do anything it takes to do so........something along those lines. And don't talk about yourself too much, that might make her angry. Figure out a way to communicate that you fully accept responsibility for what you've done and that you are really sorry for it, are concerned about her feelings, and that you are willing to do ANYTHING SHE WANTS, TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORK, and you have to really be able to carry out her wishes. Well, that's probably enough for now. I'm really sorry about your situation. You really love your girlfriend, so I know it really hurts inside. I really hope that everything works out for the best.

The girl I asked to be my matron of honor in my wedding next year, chose to befriend the guy who raped me at the cost of our friendship. Things have been so rough lately. I needed closure in this area and now I've received it. A girl who I was friends with for five years turned out not to be a friend at all. After being drugged and raped my world has turned upside down, the rape has affected every aspect of my life. I'm on medicine (for major depression and trauma), have gained a lot of weight, missed out on my graduation, can't sleep, have fear of being around too many people and thereforeeee have anxiety attacks, I'm not as trustful of others, I constantly feel the need to protect myself, I have nightmares, and can't function as the normal human being I once was. I lost the sincerity in my smile, I'm often sad and lacking in peace, and my memory has been affected in many ways. And if you ever need your friends, it's in a time like this. And it hurts, it hurts when one of the people you feel you can depend on chooses to invalidate you by siding with your rapist. It's far from fair, but it's life, and now it's my life. From talking to people on this website and others who know me or don't really know me.....I realized a couple of weeks ago, that this girl was not my friend. And I want to thank you for your insight, support, and advice, because it truly prepared me for today. She kept calling me, and I would avoid her calls. What do you say to someone who has betrayed you? I didn't know where to begin. When I needed her, when I needed to discuss the nature of our friendship, she wasn't there. And I waited, I waited. I asked her to Please call me. I waited all day by my phone. She didn't call me for days..... I had to move on. I couldn't stay stuck in that frame of mind. I knew she wasn't going to call. I knew in my heart, from the moment I told her that her friend raped me....I knew she didn't believe me. And as I detailed in my post (about the night I was raped), she wasn't a friend to me then and she isn't a friend to me now. Some people have told me they believe she was a co-conspirator...and I'm no longer doubtful of that. She left me a message today saying that we hadn't talked in a long time and that she missed me. I returned her call and asked if she was still friends with the rapist. She told me yes, and that they were "cool" and still talk. I asked her if she believed I was raped. She was quiet for a little while and said, "yes", but that she believes him also. How can you believe that I was raped, when you believe him saying that I wanted sex? How can you believe me, and a lying rapist at the same time???? The answer is.....you can't. I told her that my world has changed, and the I don't know how we can be friends when she is friends with a guy who raped me. I told her that I won't feel comfortable talking to her. She said that she was sorry I felt that way and wished me well in life. It's sad to say, but it's during times like this that you learn who you're true friends are. I'm glad that I received confirmation today, it means I can begin to gain closure, for the friend that I never really had. Has anyone else gone through similar situations? Advice of any kind is greatly appreciated. ~Grace

I understand how you feel. I didn't deny being raped but I did something just as bad....I acted like it didn't happen. It's hard to deal with....the fact that you couldn't face it head on and boldly proclaim that you were abused or assulted. I can definitely relate. Do you feel like you've worked against yourself? Betrayed yourself? I felt that way. You may be obsessing about your abuser. I felt the same way when I was always thinking about the person who raped (and of course thinking of him only made me more angry and uncomfortable). It was like I couldn't get that horrible act out of my mind. I didn't realize I was obsessing until my therapist told me. It's okay to be angry for what your abuser did to you. It's okay to dislike him. Maybe writing an angry letter to the person would help you. If you vent about the way you feel, then maybe you won't think about the person as much. Don't send the letter. It's just a letter for you. You could burn the letter of cut it to shredds afterwards if you'd like. Hang in there, it's not easy, but you'll get over the obsessing phase.

You might be suffering from depression. Have you experienced any traumatic events lately? Hang in there, life can really be tough, but it gets better....sometimes gradually.

Thanks Tigris!!! No one has ever suggested that before. I'll give it a try. Thanks to you as well Cacain119. I was really stressed last night and just needed to vent. I understand that it's kind of hard to give advice when the details are missing. I know my post might seem vague, but thanks for your advice as well. I hope you guys have a wonderful day!!! ~Grace

I agree with Annie. I think you should seek counseling. You don't sound like you're upset at all by his actions. Do you think he is just going through a phase? I mean it has to be hard dealing with the aftermath of the breakup. He started cheating on you while you were pregnant?! You're married. He can't just say, "Hey Honey! There's a girl I really like and I'd like to go bang her. I think we'd make a great couple. By the way, our eleven years together was great while it lasted. Bye." What kind of insensitive bastard is he?! I wouldn't want that man raising my children [And yes I know you shouldn't deprive your children from their father...but that doesn't mean you have to like it]. Anyways, this man is treating you like * * * *, and you shouldn't tolerate it. It's disgusting! and revolting! If you can't get angry about this, I'll get angry for you. You shouldn't waste your time thinking about his girlfriend. I mean can that really be good for you psyche??? Forget her, I think you should dump him. This is totally not okay. If you let him walk all over you, you'll end up spending a lot of time, effort, energy, and tears trying to discover why you allowed him to treat you that way. It's not worth it, believe me, I've been there. Don't allow anyone to disrespect you and sit quietly by. Remove yourself if necessary, I don't know how you're managing at this point........

Okay, I'm really upset! Parents are sweet and wonderful people, but sometimes they just don't get it. I'm dealing with major depression right now. I've had a lot going on in my life lately! I'm trying to deal with it all and it's just one thing after another. It's not that I'm lazy. I'm just not a functioning person right now. I've been a functioning person before. I've had many challenges in my life. I know what it's like to have a stressful day. This is one of the hardest things I've had to do....dealing with all this crap. I'm taking baby steps, ya know. I'm trying my hardest. Things are just starting to look up and it's like people just want to push me. I'm trying to tell them that I'm taking baby steps, I'm trying hard, and yet they still want to push me, I feel like I'm being pushed right off of a cliff. Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I was actually happy. Then what....I have nightmares, a horrible night sleep. And today people expect me to jump over rainbows. I can only do sooooooo much. Doesn't anyone get that? All I can do is try. I've gone from being any extremely tolerant person to getting stressed out really easily. And when I get stressed out I don't jump up and down, rant or rave. I sit there and feel like I've losing my mind. People don't get that. I'm looking out for myself ya know. Since the rape I don't like being out in public a lot, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, but I'm working on it. Depression...I'm working on it. Going to a school I dislike, in a town I can't stand....I'm working on it. Setting up boundaries for my controlling mother...I'm working on it. Eating healthy foods....I'm working on it. Getting a decent night sleep...I'm really working on it. Accomodating everyone so they feel comfortable around me and "pleased with my progress"......WORKING ON IT! But I'm only human, k. Can't it be enough that I'm a nice human being? That I treat others with respect and try my hardest to overcome my adversities?! No, nope, it's not enough. Why is it necessary for me to please other people all of the time?! Is that my job? Can't I be human? Can't I have a hard time? Can I make my own decisions, or be left alone? Noooope, but everyone expects Grace to be super woman. God forbid she has a life crisis. Why? Because she's supposed to be strong all of the time, she isn't suppose to feel anger, she isn't supposed to ever feel fear, she is suppose to be all good things and feel no bad things. Well....that's not life. That's not my life, not right now. And I'd like to be able to cry. I'd like to be able to be sad and for it to be okay. I'd like to spend one second of everyday feeling secure and at peace, or just simply feel that it's okay for me to be human. That's it. I just want to be human to someone, to other people. But everyone has all of these expectations, and I'm on no one's time schedule. They have plans for my life, and I'm behind. I'm late, excuse me. I'm not perfect, excuse me! And they wonder why I want space. This is my life, and I'm trying soooooo hard to make it work. And none of my efforts are appreciated. All I get are more demands. It's like, why am I even here. Why try? Because everyone's counting on you? But what about you? Do you count on you? I should be able to count on myself. I should be able to take care of myself......because if I don't....there is nothing left to matter. If I don't take care of myself, there will be nothing left anyways. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. And I don't want to have to accept abuse or criticism from others to get that.

I wasn't quite sure where to post this. 'Emotions and Feelings', 'Abuse and Violence', or the friendship one? I'm sooo sleepy, I got no sleep last night because of medicine I'm taking. I finally got sleepy enough to fall out...around 6:48am. But my phone rang 3 times, and my cousin woke me up about an hour after I fell asleep. Then my other cousin kept coming in and out of my room looking for something. And everytime he would leave he would slam my door. After about the fifth time I realized I wouldn't be getting any rest. A girl I thought was my friend is one of the people who called me today. I honestly have no idea why though, it's not like we have anything to talk about. She has chosen the guy who raped me over me, so I don't have any reason to call back. Besides, the last time I talked to her I felt "down" afterwards. I realized that she really doesn't care about my feelings. I don't feel like I should call her back because I'm feeling pretty decent today and I want to stay that way. Does anyone feel that rape isn't considered to be "that serious" by most people? I mean it's something you hear about all the time. And isn't it weird how you hear about rape all of the time but when you're raped you still feel so alone? Logically you should know that you are far from being alone, but you still feel that way, almost in an alien kind of way. I mean sometimes I feel like I might as well be walking around with a big "R" on my chest. I feel like I want to hide. I don't want people to look at me...I feel odd. Before I was raped I felt like rape was one of the most horrible things. I had an extreme dislike for rapists and child molesters. I thought they were the most horrible people ever and that they destroyed peoples lives. Now that I'm on the other side of the table things are a little different. I used to feel like I could protect anyone from a sexual predator..... ...for example, if someone tried to take advantage of one of my friends I would definitely be ready to beat the crap out of that person, , and I'm not generally a violent person, but that's how I felt. I guess I'm just so protective of family and friends...but when it comes to being protective, I felt like I would fight for anyone who was being raped or attacked. That was just me, that was the one act I couldn't understand or excuse. It was the one thing that truly upset me. Now, I don't know how to think. I still don't like the act, I still think it's horrible and has the potential to devastate lives....but do I feel like I can still take of sexual predators, LOL? Maybe if I was conscious (F.Y.I. My predator drugged me to get what he wanted) . I realize exactly how manipulative and deceitful these people are. And Bold, a lot of them are really bold. I mean, I thought these people were horrible before, I mean now........is there a term worse than horrible? I don't know. It's just so crazy. I've known people who were raped or sexually abused and I was so quick to comfort them (or to at least try)...and now, I can't even comfort myself. Crazy huh? N-Eways, I guess that's about all that's on my mind right now. Oh, my dad is in town, well a couple of towns away actually. I'm really excited about seeing him! I haven't seen him since before the rape incident. I'm sure seeing him well make me feel a lot better. Well I hope everybody has a great day! Thanks for listening. Sincerly, Grace

I don't really know how to advise you on this situation. I feel like I don't have any similar experience, but I'll try my best to relate. It sounds like your friend is just really hurt.... ...what about writing her a letter? People are more likely to hear you out if you write a letter, even if she initially doesn't want to read it, she'll be curious. It would be much easier if you guys weren't living together. Could you maybe drop the letter off at work? You wouldn't give it to her directly, just drop it off. You wouldn't want her to see you, she doesn't need a visual, she won't want to feel like she just can't get away from you. When she first sees the letter she'll be annoyed, but if she doesn't see you there she is likely to be less annoyed. Since you guys live together it would be really uncomfortable for her if you left the letter on her bed or something....because then she would probably feel.... ...irratated because she'd feel like she couldn't get away from you and you're invading her teritory. If you leave it on the table or something in the "shared" area of the house then if she picks it up you'll know she has it...at least that's how she'll feel. I'm sure she doesn't want any pressure. She doesn't want to feel that you're going to approach her and ask her if she has gotten your letter.... ...even if she has received and read your letter she may not be ready to discuss it with you, or be approached about it. If you drop it off somewhere other than the house then she could pretend she hasn't received it. That would probably make things more comfortable for her. If you write her a letter, be sure not to ask her about it. Let her come to you when she wants to. I feel like it might be much easier if you guys weren't living together. Since you two aren't getting along, she probably feels more self-conscious or guarded around you, and that's never a good place to start reconciliation (spelling?). When people are guarded they are less likely to be open to the person they feel has hurt them. If you want her to be your friend you have to find a tactful way to communicate your feelings. And don't focus on defending your actions. Just say exactly how you feel. And after you express yourself (I suggest in a letter), you should "back off" (for lack of a better word). I think she'll be more likely to come around if you respect her newly erected boundaries. But all-in-all I believe this is a tough situation.

Thanks for the replies guys!!! I've been taking my medicine (that's what I call it) everyday. I had to start taking 2 pills, because after a week on the medicine I'm supposed to take two. I'm trying really hard to make everything work. I have highs and lows, but that's great, it means things are improving.....I used to just have lows....low after low....although I'd cover my lows with a smile It's funny because sometimes you think life can't get any harder, and then it does. I don't know, but "making it" is all that counts to me these days. Making it through the day is my most important accomplishment. Thanks for listening, and for your support. This website is really very helpful, I've just been reading other posts and reading them keeps me occupied and hopeful.

Hang in there okay. Life is tough, yes, but just hang in there...you won't regret it. Definitely seek help. If you don't think you can make it on your own definitely seek help. Someone will be there to help you okay. Someone will help you. I really feel for you. Even though you probably feel like you're just hanging on by a thread, hang on

It's 3:23am in the morning and guess who's up? That's right, me. I took two of those antidepressants last night and things are uncomfortable once again. I had a horrible night sleep, horribly uncomfortable night sleep. I feel like crap. I went to the kitchen and got something to eat. That's the only thing that made me feel better....for the moment. I want to take my cousin's dog for a walk this morning. I think it would make me feel better. My cousin lives in a beautiful neighborhood. It's supposed to be safe. However I'm not as trusting as I used to be I guess. I mean, I don't think It'd be a great idea for me to be walking around by myself, with a small dog early in the morning. In the afternoon it's cooler than during the day (in the day time it's scorching hot). Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just had to get that out. My tummy is sooooo unhappy right now, I think it's the medicine. I feel sick. I want to scream out loud, reallllllly loud. Everything on television is "paid programming" just about. I'm sleepy, but I can't sleep. It's awful because it's like the bad sleep never ends. It feels like I'm slept through an 11hr. plane flight, only to wake up and realize that I have 12hrs. left. Now that's crazy! My body feels draggy, ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What to do, what to do? Okay, I should probably just stop typing, but I don't want to. Everybody's asleep and I'm all alone. I don't want to stop typing. I don't know........ Okay, I'm taking forever to finish typing this post, and I'm not staying focused so I guess I'll just go look up stuff on depression. Sleep ideas anyone?