Gracelove

Thanks Oceaneyes! That's such a sweet thing of you to say.

Girl, yes! LOL! I have so felt that way. I don't remember how I got out of feeling that way. Actually, I think I stopped feeling that way when I was able to identify to true reason I ended up in that relationship and why I stayed. I ended up in the relationship pursuing a dream I've always had. Once I got in it I begin rationalizing his behavior. I became emotionally attached which is why I stayed longer than I should have. After that the abuse/ attacks started, and before I knew it I was in too deep. But I definitely started feeling better about my judgement when I realized how I ended up where I did. I realized that my initial judgement wasn't bad at all. I just comprimised and settled instead of holding out for what I truly wanted and deserved, someone who would treat me with the same love and kindness I was giving them. But believe-you-me, I struggled with it for a while. You'll discover how you ended up where you did, and after that you'll feel better because "it" won't be unknown any longer. "It" being why you ended up / stayed in the relationship. Actually I don't really think it's about starting a relationship with that person, as it is staying with them. We may not always know that a person is unkind, but once we discover it, it is our responsibilty to protect ourselves by getting away from that person A.S.A.P. And you may find that it wasn't necessarily a negative things that brought you to that relationship. Maybe you have a dream, and you were so anxious for it to come true, that you were willing to settle in order to have just a taste of it (if that makes sense).

Okay I am having difficulty in school. The work isn't hard but I'm having difficulty studying /focusing. Someone told me I was depressed, and I kind of believe them. There was one period of time when I couldn't remember what I did the day before, and I had trouble thinking. I'm worried. I have one more semester in school however I feel like I'm struggling to complete it. My self-esteem has dropped. I feel like I have to be sleeping, cleaning, watching t.v., reading books (not school related), or eating to feel relief from pain I feel inside. I don't want to take medication for depression. Has anyone had a similar experience and remembers how they overcame that period in their life? If so, advice is greatly appreciated.

Talking won't change things. Protect yourself, leave, and pray that they will find help to change themselves. I was in an emotionally, and verbally abusive relationship. We did a lot of discussing, and you would think that there would be resolve, some sort of change. Nope, nothing changed. He would cry, apologize, and do whatever he felt like doing anyways. Save yourself while you have the chance, because there is such a thing as "too late". If I didn't get out when I did I would be dead.

In regards to why people abuse....it's like you pretty much said,"hurting people hurt people". I understand that my ex came from an abusive household, but that doesn't mean I except or excuse his behavior. I'm just able to see the source. The period where you go through trying to understand why you allowed someone to treat you the way they did, can be the hardest. I struggled with it. I think it may have some thing to do with your dreams..... ....my dream has always been to have the perfect significant other. Perfect for me. Someone I could talk to, spend time with, encourage and love. Someone who loved me and cared for me in the same manner. That was what I looked forward to in life, nothing else really. Every other wonderful thing that could happen to me in life would just be an added pleasure. I was willing to do anything to achieve this dream. My ex-boyfriend was like two different people. One was the man of my dreams, and the other was an evil person I would never dream of talking to or interacting with. The evil person was present 95% of the time. But every now and then, my dream guy would pop up. And I would try to hold on to him. I was hoping that I could get my dream guy to stay a little longer. And help banish the evil monster on the throne of his heart. However I realized something. My dream guy didn't exist in him. If he was evil 95% and only good 5% of the time, then he is evil. A wolf in sheep clothing, a devil in an angel costume. MY PAIN, caused by abuse, STARTED TO EASE when I realized that I was tolerant of his behavior because I wanted my dream to come true. Not because I hated myself. Not because I felt I was an awful person. Not because I had no back bone and was unable to stand up for myself. But because I felt I was close to something I'd wanted all my life, and I felt that my dream was worth anything, even dying for.....and it almost was. The only reason I left my ex was because I knew I would die if I didn't. The thing I had to start thinking about was...is this really my dream guy or a phony? Is this man worth dying for? What about me? What about me. In my relationship I was so caught up in him. What did he need? What was he going to do to me? Why is being with him hurting so much? Why does he treat me this way? I had forgotten about myself. And as for my dream..........what good would a dream be if I wasn't around to live it? At first I felt like my dream had been completely destroyed and it hurt more than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. I honestly felt I had nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to in life. I had to completely rebuild. And now I'm at the point where I realize that my dream wasn't completely bad, it just needed some tweeking. I can still have a family, and fall in love. It's just not priority now. I have to find other things to look forward to, other things to live for. When your dream has been crushed, you feel like the walking dead. You are just surviving. After a while you start to feel a little better and a little more alive. And one day, I'm sure of it, you will thrive. When you realize what caused you to become mixed up with an abusive person, life becomes easier.

I didn't read your entire story, but there is something I've noticed that is common among abusers. They seems really into the opinions of the family of their significant others. And they generally don't like the family members or friends of the person they are in a relationship with. I personally think it's because they believe their significant other to be weak , and that without the presense of family and friends they will be easily manipulated and controlled. Think about it. Why do you want your girlfriend back? Is it because you care about her and want to bring some sort of happiness into her life? Or is it really all about getting your needs met? Do you want her back so that you can show her you've changed? So that she will no longer think you're a bad person? So that you can mend your reputation in some way? Who stands to benefit most from the relationship, you or her? Do you really want her back because controlling her made you feel good? Do you feel you could use her to testify to your greatness and how wonderful you feel you are now? The point is, in most cases when you are involved with someone, you are also involved with their family and friends. They had a life before they met you/ their abuser. Their family and friends have known and loved them longer than you have. And chances are, if you treated your girlfriend in a loving and respectful manner, that her family would like you just fine. If you want to have a relationship with someone, find someone you are compatiable with. By attempting to communicate with your ex (espicially if she wants nothing to do with you) you'll only make things more complicated, and unpleasant in her life. I would suggest leaving her alone and moving on. If she has had time to get over you, her abuser, chances are she can't stand you ; nothing you do will ever make her think of you in a different light. And by the way, if her mother rips up a letter that you are sending her daughter, good for her. It is a mother's prerogative to protect her child. Stop vilifying the people who are trying to protect her and take a good, hard look in the mirror.

I think you should know that she probably really cares for you. You're first priority should be to take care of yourself, however I think it is really sweet of you to let her know that you are there for her. I was in an abusive relationship. I'm recovering now. I have had a good relationship before (with my second boyfriend). I'm at the point now, where I am thinking about my relationship with him. Thinking about our relationship actually gives me hope. I want him to know how much I appreciate him and that his presense in my life has enhanced it. I haven't done that yet though, because I'm not quite sure how he will take it. We were together so long ago it seems. Your friend will need time. Teacup is right, abuse is an attack on the mind. Once you render your power to someone else it's hard to get it back. Don't put your life on hold waiting for her to return to you, you may be waiting a while. The only thing you can do right now is let her know you are there. Although it may seem small, it really means a lot, and as time passes I'm sure it will mean more and more.

Hey There Teacup!!! Ya, my ex didn't want me talking to any of my friends. He was very selfish. I totally understand what you mean by people not being able to understand unless they've experienced abuse. I didn't understand the severity of abuse prior to my past relationship. It is difficult starting over. I'm not nearly as outgoing as I used to be, however I understand that getting back to the state you were at before the abuse is a gradual process. Do you still know how to contact any of the friends you had previously to the relationship with your abuser? I understand that 6yrs. is a long time to be away from friends. If you have a way to contact any of them, maybe you could call and just say hello. I'm sure they'd be glad to hear from you. Espicially since you're doing much better now. I'm taking my ex to court in a couple of days. I'm getting a restraining order. At first I was really, really nervous because I don't want to see him again. However now I'm feeling a little more comfortable with the idea. It will be a big step, and whether the restraining order is issued or not, it'll be another step towards closure. It's been a couple of days since I've been on the site, but let me know how things are going with you when you get the opportunity.

To: Teacup He was definitely stalking you. Those "games" would scare anyone. Knowing that the person is there but not being able to see them. It's like an omnipresense. I've been a little worried about catching up in school as well. Life is so hard at times. But all we can do it try. I'm not surprised he wanted you back. My ex was the same way. They feel guilty about what they've done and want you to assure them that they are good people. It's a waste of energy on their part. Abusers are extremely self-centered. Your an inconvience to them, yet they want you around. Craziness. I love your quote by the way.

Hey There Teacup! Thanks for the reply. You know what? I actually did read one of your stories. A lot of the same things happened in my relationship. I almost laughed when you mentioned that your ex used to pinch you, because my ex used to do the same thing to me. It was his way of determining "how fat I was". It's so odd, you would think that I was a turkey and he was interested in eating me. It's such an odd behavior and one that really sticks out, that similarity really caught my eye. I'm so glad that things are better for you. And that you are feeling much more confident. I've been thinking lately that maybe I should do things to help me feel better, like frequently get my hair done, and attempt to lose some weight. Thanks again for your support.

The 2-month without contact rule is amazing!!!! Someone suggested it to me when I was in an abusive relationship. That time part gave me the strength I needed to break it off. By the time the 2-month trial is over, you will feel so much stronger and in control of your life, much more happy.

Thank you Oceaneyes. You're right. I have been wanting to move lately. I just want to get out of where I am because I feel stuck. I don't want to waste anymore time. I've moved twice, within the town where I attend school. Both times my ex showed up extremely close to my new residence. In one of those instances he was definitely stalking me. I feel like I really do need the support of my parents. It's really hard to get that support when you're over 2000 miles away. I'm so close to finishing school, but I'm not feeling confident about making it. I don't want to disappoint my parents by coming home. I feel so weak by not being able to pull myself together. I feel like a failure. I don't want to blame my problems on a relationship with an abusive person, however things just really came to a head in the relationship. It was just so tramatic for me. People keep telling me to forget the past. It sounds so easy. I try not to dwell on it. I like to think that most of the time I don't. It's just that seeing him this last time, so close to my home, bothered me a bit. Most people tell me that I'm always happy. I'm glad to be considered that way, but I don't always feel that way. I promised myself that I would never have to see my ex again. But I couldn't keep that promise. I can't keep him from walking back into my life whenever he feels like it. This is a college town, there are really no job opportunities here. My ex graduated over a year ago, he had no friends here really, no family. So why am I seeing him around ? Things have severly gone down hill since my involvement with him, espicially school, I don't want to be viewed as a loser. I want to be successful. I want to have a decent life. School work has never really been a challenge to me, but I'm so unfocused. I was seeing a really good counselor last year. She has another job now. I call her from time to time to check in, she's really sweet. I don't say that I'm not feeling good, because that's not her job anymore. Sometimes I just have these down moments. They usually don't last long. But I feel that maybe they are a symptom of my true feelings. I'm just wondering when I'll be able to put this behind me for good. Thanks again for the encouragement. It really means a lot.

That is probably rape.

Even if it wasn't "rape", you none-the-less felt violated. And that is a horrible feeling. He knew he was wrong which is why he apologized. I understand your pain. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how to tell you to move on. I lost my virginity to my abuser. The last time we slept together he gave me the option of giving him a blow job, or having sex. It was awful. At that point the abuse had taken it's toll and I could no longer fight. It was very painful, because I wasn't receptive to it at all. He pushed himself inside of me, their was no lubrication, natural or otherwise. I felt violated and I don't want to have sex again either. I can't really offer advice, just the comfort that someone else understands where you are coming from.

Leave him. How can he be trusted again? That is rape. When you say "no" and they do it any way. Of course you'll feel closed when it comes to him, it's unwise to be vunerable around him.

Thank you Lost_status. I truly appreciate the encouragement.

Call a lawyer, and get a restraining order. Ask about "hardship" so you won't have to pay any money, espicially if you won't be receiving support from your parents. If you want him to leave you alone, seek help from law enforcement to make him leave you alone.

He is crazy. Take his e-mails to a lawyer, and try to sue him for harassment.

I'm so glad you realize that. If you love her, you will stay out of her life. Good luck on your continued progress

I understand, and sympathize. Keep contacting her from time to time, to see how she is doing. Hopefully she'll realize the whole "tears" thing is a bunch of crap when his behavior remains unchanged.

I know how frustrating it must be for you. I have a relative in an abusive relationship. It'll probably take something extremely tragic, to convince her that she needs to leave. Maybe she is afraid of losing. In her relationship with you maybe she was afraid things would eventually get worse. She probably feels like...she can't fall to the bottom if she's already there (the "bottom" being her abusive boyfriend). Be kind to her if she calls you, but don't wait around. The sad thing is that some people never leave their abusive mates. Some only leave in body bags.

If he has abused you. Press charges. You're right, it is scary to think of what someone might do to harm you. By pressing charges you'll be able to seek some sort of protection from the law. Encourage his other ex to do the same. It's important that there be a record of his abuse. It will make things easier down the road. If he chooses to abuse someone else, it'll make it easier for them if they need to seek help. It won't just be his word against hers, it'll be his word against all the women who have spoken out against him.

RUN!!! Get out while you can. No matter how angry or upset a person my be if they truly love you they want the best for you. Throwing you around certainly isn't beneficial. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Obviously any chance of overcoming this obstacle in your relationship is shot. He is telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you when he is treating you like crap. This won't get better. He now sees you as a scapegoat for his problems. He will blame you for bad things that occur in his life from now until kingdom come. Be strong, there is someone much better for you out there.

It's good that you're improving yourself. Do it for you though. If you guys have already broken up, chances are that she no longer cares about your efforts to improve yourself. Emotional and verbal abuse are very damaging and you can't expect her to want to be with you because you have now sought counceling. To knowingly become involved in a relationship with a person who has abused her in the past would mean that she has lost respect for herself. You can't blame her for leaving you. You should be grateful that she stood by you as long as she did. She sacrificed part of her life and happiness to be with you. The least you can do is respect her decision not to be with you. If you've developed any love or respect for her at all, you'll stay out of her life. She is probably terrified of you, and there is probably nothing you say or do will redeem your image in her eyes. Everyone has a limit. She wasn't placed on this planet to tolerate abuse. She has a bright future ahead of her and toxic behavior will only hinder her progress. Try to move on.

You're probably afraid to leave because you're afraid that things will get worse. You're afraid that leaving him will make you a more horrible person than he says that you are. Leaving him will be hard, but it will definitely be worth it. Life will get better. I think that the longer you stay in it, the longer it takes to recover. Make life easier for yourself, and leave now. At least you'll be able to rebuild. Thanks for sharing, I don't know why, but for some reason your story has really touched me. Maybe because when I read your story, I don't feel a sense of urgency from it. It could almost be as if someone else wrote it, an outsider looking in. There is something calm about the words you choose to write about your situation. Yet, I'm almost positive you feel an extreme desperation. I think you remind me of myself. Things are probably much worse than you know how to express in words.