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About Me


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  1. Please don't judge this too harshly. I'm not a poet. Dreamscapes Merge With Lifescapes challenging old ways of thinking, with an elegance. just letting it go letting it stay in my inner world pursued by the relentless whip bearer the poor girl i'm the girl. the poor girl ready to come out of her cave, her prison she will try again and again to climb out of the pit it's not that deep the world shakes and changes the eyesight shifts its all up and down now up, now down left and right left right real unreal clear and foggy ecstatic, tranquil, terror, boredom, mundane like tremors puzzle pieces shifting to recombine into new disorienting forms puzzles don't do that my endless shame, the lacerating prison, the hell that en-cages me suddenly is hope, liberation the illustrator of lush, sensuous dreams a firm restraint blocking my path a partner in this dance to learn his body to push back to dance with elegance joy love ideals i strive to discarding the self molding it anew witnessing the process handling it with care with love with attention the kind I never got
  2. Dear Reader, a little about your mind , a little about your thoughts is all you need to put yourself in a hole of never ending doubt. how it makes you feel less , how it makes you feel incomplete and how your mind rips the very chord out of you. self doubt ,suicide and dropping down to your own floor , never wanting to get up again. These are my demons , these thoughts holding me back theses dark days in a mind which is a dark sky that never seems to lighten up. How there would be a wish of just clearing it all, if it was only possible to turn a switch off in a mind strangling your very YOU and telling you how you will fail... This YOU is a mind of self doubt and restriction on possible freedom of becoming more but it makes you rip every happy , every luck and replace it with shroud and self conflict. How i would wish to find another to see thru this non stop darkness...
  3. My eyes soaked red, my heart bruised blue, These words can't sum the pain left by you. Dropped by the world, that which was you, disabled it left me, my time was due. With nothing to turn to, nothing to lose, I welcomed the Devil, all Hell broke loose. In my recluse, I found but one friend, substance abuse, I was nearing my end. I threw myself into Pandora's box, who would've known that this place had locks. The days felt like years, but all in my head, the world didn't care, time goes on instead. Trapped in this box, the prison of my mind, my vision of the world is that of the blind. Monsters and demons eating away at my soul, At this point, there's no way that I may ever feel whole. If my life were a train, this must be the end, the tracks had two paths, I chose the dead end. Years gone by, I was still stuck in the past, but now I'm breaking through that nightmarish vast. I can finally see the sky that is blue, the dark clouds are fading, and so did my desire for you. Decided to write this poem on a whim. I can't even remember the last time I ever wrote or read a poem. I'm just trying new avenues to express myself and gauge my abilities to poetry. I really don't know what possessed me to even write this, I really don't know. Anyhow, thought I'd share. I'll admit it's not a great poem, I think it's too predictable and simplistic. Now I'm really starting to wonder why did I even write this. Guess I must be pretty out of it.
  4. alone in this world i shall be a captive prisoner, yearning to be free as though my life was cursed with a spell i continue to wish upon an empty well i trip over rocks on the road each night but cannot see for there is no light forgotten, alone and hurting to die with a soul so empty i cannot cry like a black star on a dark, cold night knowing it will never be alright i am drifting away and tearing apart from a broken life and a lonely heart i am a wilted rose with deadly thorns i am dying inside ,yet no one mourns and my dreams for tomarrow are fading away i pray to god, but the sky remains gray i am waiting here with patience thiinning just to find out it is only the beginning i fall on the road with existence unclear but yet remain unwanted
  5. From the Eyes Of Cecil Manner: from the Oakland correctional Facility Oakland, California 11:19 am Reporter: where here to take an indepth look at a man who had it all but now realizes what he really wanted was love but went the wrong way to find it...... ------------------------------------------ guard: who are you here to see..... Reporter: where the men sent from Long Island, New York to film the life of One Cecil Manner guard: Men From Long Island?.... Reporter: *flashes badge* guard: Ohhhhhh ure the guys from Long Island, right this way Reporter: Thank You sir guard: Alright Mr. Cecil is on Maximun Lockdown, you can only spend an Hour here.... ----------------------------------------------------- Reporter: Hello Mr. Manner Cecil: *gets up from prayer* hello there young man, you must be the guys from New York.....we'll we only got an hour, i'll fill you in on my life.... ------------------------------------- [verse 1] The Early age Of Cecil Manner: Age 12-19 about face and moveout, blackout phaze and shootout..... killin innocent people yet again we r takin dis same route..... I live as an x-con tryna make the world a better place..... but the human race is obnoxious and evil we embrace.... i retrace my life and see my actions a young male in Oakland.... hopin for White skies and peace, but saw fight arise and increase..... my frieds now deceased, we fought for nonething tryna kill police.... i took shots at em n cried, think if they shot me and i died.... but pride tied my mind until me and the real me had to devide.... i lived n dopehouses, and scopein to rape spouses...... im full of hatred and evil, im the devil times a thousand..... riots are what i lived for! bashin and smashin windows then dashin.... im trashin my community and not caring if ure asking.... ----------------------------------- {Skit} Reporter: Mr. Manner.... Cecil Manner: Call me Cecil young man Reporter: Ok Cecil is their anything that you regret in life Cecil: The actions i made as a young child, i thought i was cool n all i got the girls and the cars but what i didnt realize is that i was internally dying every minute that i was living.... -------------------------------- [verse 2] The Downfall Of Cecil Manner age 20-22 never thought i would get caught, i was the one screamin "F" the po-po..... but on the lo though, my friends was snitchin out my every move..... confused now i ask myself why did i want to hang witht the crews.... im livin as ah youngster, i dropped outta high school to work the streets..... slangin dope to eat, but number one on my list was Money and whores.... i adored the life of those who did what it took to gain more.... there was nonething i didnt have, sex with the finest hoes.... excuse my language let me expose the rest of what happened.... at 22 i was sentenced to life in prison on to many accounts to name.... im the one to blame, look at the monster that i became!!!!!!!!! where are my frineds now, thay havent even payed a visit...... vivid memoried, play in my head how we would hang together.... thru any weather my friends said they would be down for whatever... but when tha cops came, the fled, left me with a pistol an a man layin in red..... i ran from block 2 block firing shots tryna to kill these cops...... i stopped at the intersection takin the wrong direction still shootin 4 protection.... im down to one bullet, i put it to my head but i refused to pull it.... i admit i was nervous and shakin, cuz the penatentary was waitin.... i told em to come get me, take me dead or alive i shout....... i listened to pride, and shot tha last bullet thats when my soul cried out..... ------------------------------------- Reporter: wow Cecil thats really unfortunate to happen to you sir.... Cecil: nonething was unfortunate, i was dumb back then and i deserve every bit of what i have gotten..... Reporter: so is there any other moment that made you feel bad Cecil: *Starts to cry* when my mother seen me get my sentence..... Reporter: what did she say Cecil: Anytime your mom is behind that glass its an awful feeling, she cried her heart out and it made me look at my life, she knew she wasent gonna see her son out of jail ever again, *wipes a tear from his eye* and then i said momma i promise that i'll be out....... Reporter: ummm did you........ Cecil: naw my mother died 6 years ago of a massive heart attack, i failed on my promise, and it hurts until this day, but i know that im not going to give up........ Reporter: well theres only about 5 min left anything else you want to add? Cecil: all i can do now is go back to prayer.......... ---------------------------------------- [verse 3] Tha Prayer Of Cecil Manner: 33 yrs old attack of the Unholy rage and impure slaughters claimin lives of mothers n daughter, victims of opression.... depression constraints the mind n attacks the featus.... Oh Jesus can u help our community, its poverty strick'n... az problems thicken, children grow up evil n untaimed... cerebral wiff da aim of hatred as shells R dispersed n flamed.... reverse tha blame, the corruption of tha human society...... innocent people in jail, and elderly are hit with anxiety..... holy thoughts are aborted, as evil is steadily supported...... church is deported..the lamb of Christ is viciously defamed and acclaimed as unreal and people care not bout his sacrifice.... the afterlife of those who strife, will be in ah lake of dispair..... for the sake of those who care, i speak on the blessing of life depressing if u strife, ure life is to kill those who try and gain.... ure the ones who cause pain, and drag em to their execution.... thats not the solution, u'll end up juss as miserable as before.... and as u fall to the floor, u realize u claimed innocent blood..... and will b pnished from above, for the murder of creation.... this evil nation..........
  6. The walls of the prison stand tall and firm They surround me now and close me in As my sentence is handed down to me My head hung low, it now begins To be so lost and so alone, it makes me numb right to the bone I can't change a thing, theirs nothing I can do But to live in pain, all my life through I never knew love the way it was meant to be Now the sky turns dark, I cannot see The pain is a reminder of who I once was Adn justice has been handed down from above My body is weak and this life of mine now fades I will always be looked at as an outcast A liar, cheat and now a slave My Body smells fowl from an ugly past As people avoid me and talk behind my back My wife, My boss my family my friends Wouldn't ever care if my life came to en end This is what I leave behind, the emptiness is all that you'll find Gary
  7. I would like some feedback on this poem. I am thinking of presenting it at a Poetry thingy at the end of May. ******************************************************** Midnight Sun accross the horizon a spirit breaks, A casting gray light, Foretelling of fate. A light of cold, As midnight comes, An unholy sight, The midnight sun. It turns the world around it, A dull blue gray, Creating a biting breeze, The one of pained fate. When you first feel it, This light of embrace, A warmth beneath your skin, A luring exchange. But this is a betrayal, This warmth that you feel, Is of your goodness being taken, The taking concealed. The warmth against your skin, Is not what it seems. It will leave you empty A shell of what could have been. The midnight sun Will entrance and take away, Taking all that is good And leaving you to decay. It will corrode your heart, And leave you cold Showing you a path, Compelling you to go. The path that it shows you, is that of gothic nightmares, Where darkness dwells Living on fears And on this path, you will see; Your mistakes, Your failings, And a future to be. The cold gray light will wear at your soul. Leaving you empty, And nowhere to go. It will only show you, The path it has made, Ignoring all means and possibilities, Nowhere to escape. The midnight sun will lead you through Shutting you in a world of hopelessness So cruel. For as long as you cast your gaze upon this light, The midnight sun you cannot fight, You are a prisoner of its fate. Blinded, forsaken. The life you exchanged. You won’t see the lives of those that you’ve affected, The ones of admiration, Feelings and hearts indebted. So close your eyes, Don’t give into its power. See the world around you, And what it has to offer. Building opportunities, From your strength within. The power to create a world, And begin again There is not just the one path revealed, There are many fates, Resting at your heels. The future is open, A gift at your hand, Which way will you take it? A fate to be had. Ignore the midnight sun, And the future it tells, It is of illusions, No logic, don’t fall for it’s spell The fabled fate it showed you, Was that of lies and deceit, To make you fall, Break you at your knees. Do not worry, You can stand, Create your own path Your future to have.
  8. Hello my fellow prison mates!!!!!! I say prison mates because that's what it seems like. We're in this prison of heartbreak that our ex's put us in, someone we loved so dearly basically threw us in a prison cell of hell and took the key with them. Little do we know that we hold a duplicate key that we can chose to open up the cell, walk out and be FREE!!!!! Some of us chose to stay in the cell hoping the one we loved comes and sets us free, those of us that chose to stay in the cell call out to our ex's to save us, set us free, help us, come back!!!! All they say is "NO"..it's to late I'm done, I'm not in love with you anymore..... What gives these people we loved and trusted the right to smash our hearts into pieces, walk away and be happy????? Some may say that the dumper feels remorse and heartbreak too but it's really hard for me to believe this because I've been the dumper in 2 relationships and even though you feel bad you walk away happy because it's what I wanted. People don't do things on purpose to make themselves sad or unhappy so why would a dumper be sad after dumping us, they did it because tehy wanted to and thats what was going to make them happy. All I can say is that my ex shattered my dreams and future hopes of having a family with her and my son and our daughters. She chose to try it alone or take a chance with someone new. Relationships take work and if you're in a stage of relationship where things are tough then you work together to fix the problems and build a better relationship. The wrong thing to do that so many people seem to do these days is take the problems in the relationship as a sign, a sign that the relationship wasn't meant to be and is looking for that intial high you get when you meet someone new. In my case, I'm not sure if there is someone else or not but my gut feeling tells me there is even though she's denied it. If this is the case I wonder what the future will hold because all I can think about is her, the new guy and the kids being one happy family....... and I'm here alone left to pick up the pieces of my heart, my life and my soul with barely enough strength to move on, I love my son and her daughters, why would she chose to cut me out of their lives. Life is so unfair, especially when you loved someone that wasn't always the greatest person to you but you loved them to no end. Only for them to step on your heart and smash it into a million pieces and then walk away with no remorse. I havn't spoken to my ex in over 2weeks and it feels as if I just vanished off the face of the earth to her..... Why do these people get off the hook so easily and we're left in this prison of hell trying to fight our way out??!!!.....It's just not fair!!!!! Sorry for rambling but I had to get it out...today's been a bad day for me!!!! Houdini
  9. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror And wondered is this really you Is this really what you've become Thru all the everyday battles and struggles Is this how your gonna live your life Im still a victim of my past It haunts me everyday It feels like forever since i felt normal I dont really know if i ever even felt normal for me Its just everything isnt the way i thought it would be Nothing turned out alright I sometimes ask myself what do i have to live for I still ask myself that I live in a prison of broken dreams and empty promises My life just goes in one big vicious cycle and i dont really see a way out I just dont see that stopping me I havent really wrote like this in years I could show you what i was writing before and it was like i was crazy I dont even know if i really was or wasnt Everything is all mixed in gray Nothing is black or white I look at myself or try not to look at myself everyday I just really dont want this to be the truth of my life I wanted so much more but i can barely make it out of my front door now Im just lost in this type of vertigo phase where nothing seems real or fake Its all in just bits and pieces Nothing is clear I just hope that somewhere along this life of mine that things fall into place Ive been thru too much to always have to struggle like this all the time Its just i dont really know if thats the type of life i was born to have All my life its been one hardship after the other I guess that will be just another chapter in my life good or bad but will the main character in my story make it or will he just be another tragedy waiting to happen
  10. I forgot who I am This place inside me Blind folded and grimmed No time to dream So dangerous outside of you This place we've found We fall into danger As our desires go down I could sense it And I don't know how to move I could ignore it But I'm just in no mood I could speak it Unfold myself But the loss of change Has left the shelf I am dying for you now And I've found the clues The deciphering codes That lead into you I tend to lack communication And the cure for everything I can't make up my mind Instead I leave all these thoughts behind It's in the way you move Baby what you doin to me Can't stand it, can't hold back Everytime I see ya get Beautiful, Beautiful -- I am a prisoner of your guilty air May we agree at hand and heart In your eyes, through your hair The dark stage stands unbare Our mute reminders, what do we dare? In this world of waves Sacrificial tares in our brains I'll win or lose Either way, you blew the fuse Face to face Messages, from outter space I wont give it back At what I've done I wont embark I wont speak, I'll gather with my part -- "I Can't Wait to See Eachother Again" I don't know, what more to ask for Going out of my mind, just to be yours Cause I been through this before Heaven has been to far behind When everything else is a fade Like a star accross the sky It's not a secret anymore I can't wait to see eachother again From tonight I know your part of the plan It's a wonderous game When your giving chase I'm your biggest fan, And I don't want this to change I can't wait to see eachother again Your all that I need You cure me completely I've got my eyes shut It's deep in my soul How I'm touched My heart what you stole I can't wait to see eachother again -- I'll love to be forever Only for your assistance Hold on to me Dont let go of the resistance I shout and scream and I try But nothing seems together Now I'm fine But totally mad It makes me sad My doubting intensions Scared of devotion Lost in confusion Deep down inside my spirit dies Deep down inside your perfection survives Lately I been lost in unimaginry muteness Disturbed by the vibrant tone That's left me dowered with sickness It's beyond my resistance, while im alone So I point out to you, The explosions are prominant Not written in stone Vitalizing my memory, just for you, gold! So here is my vision If I am the storm, will you still wonder? If I am your control, then dont take me under If I am your recognition, then why leave me with depression? If your going to play me a dream Then change my visions.... And see what I see
  11. Sometimes when i think of it my life is just so stupid. And i feel so angry about so many things these days. I dont want to go into too personal details but ill just say that i make it go to the point where i go downstairs in the basement, whenever nobody is around and ive had a bad day i just start yelling and screaming, until my voice goes out. Sometimes i can barely talk after these "episodes". I was just wondering if thats not as crazy as i think it is. I really feel like i need to talk to someone that i can trust. Things that go rushing through my head in these moments cause such rage that i never thought i could have.. people at school that sometimes make me feel like a goof and unwanted, love that i wish i had because im such a shy person and terrible around girls especially if i like them. I have such anxiety sometimes, but i guess thats normal as a teenager. I think it sucks. Sometimes im ok around people though. Its confusing. My family has and still is all over the place. My father lived a life that got him alot of money, landed him in jail for short periods of time and all ill say is hes lucky not to have been in jail for life. Right now he lives 3 provinces away from me and i havent seen him in a year. However we do talk on the phone enough. My mother has a business where she is often travelling, and she simply doesnt understand me, ive tried. I dont have many friends. Not close ones. They are so boring really. Their is a girl ive liked for a long time she doesnt know, we were closer friends than we are now. I dont know how that happened. I feel sometimes that im not ready for a relationship i think because my life is pretty boring. I couldnt find a job lately. I dont have a car etc. I dont know if that necessarily matters but it makes you boring. We have things in common, the way we are and what we want in a relationship. hmm. And i keep having the odd dream, the kind that makes me upset about waking up because ill soon loose the feeling of what i've dreamt about. Like watching a movie. The ones id have ever so often was of this certain someone whom i am fond of. Very weird dreams, like any other it never made much sense. A couple days ago i had a dream where i was acctually the person. I could see what she saw. I heard she was at the beach, and i dreamt of seeing through her eyes, watching the water. And she was sad and someone asked why. i never dreamt that way before. It was odd that i dreamt of her being sad about not being with me. My problem is i have to many worries. Im confused about my future because im going to grade 12 and im not certain as to what i want to pursue. I have good marks but everything bores me, accept music and maybe graphic design but my mom wants me to be an architect or go into computer science. I could do it if i really tried. But id hate it. I would be unhappy, and i think the most important thing is to be happy in life. I think i should see a psychiatrist, i need to really access my life and just everything. anyways enough of this. thats all.
  12. OH WOW, as I write this at 7 in the morning I'm still shocked. Last night at about 8 pm my ex kept calling me and telling me she wanted to see me. I have pretty much done no contact for 6 days and she wsa saying how messed up that is and that the conditions when we broke up were that we see eachother and we stay friends. So I decided to go see her at her moms work ( which is 5 miles from me) and tell her once and for all I'm doing no contact 100%. ( My ex always believed if your man enough you'll do things face 2 face). So I get to her moms work and she got dropped off by 1 of her guy 'friends' and she tells me her cars dead somewhere near the movie theatres and her moms bf is waiting to fix it. I tell her this is the 2nd time your car is dead in a week, stop driving it so much on a suspended license your asking for it. She tells me to stop mothering her and being her boss. She asks me why Im so jelous of who she hangs out with and what not I tell her shes just doing the wrong things in life and its a matter of time before they catch up. Then she asked me if I wanted to have sex with her in one of the offices her mom works at ( this is at night and no one is there). I told her no, I dont wanna do this anymore and I'm tired of her problems being mine and Im tired of suffering over her. She told me to just go home and think things through and call her in a better mood. I shook my head and said not this time. So as I get in my car I just start crying ( first time in a while), because I realized the girl I still love with all my heart is headed for a brick wall and whats worst is she doesnt see it. So I text her and tell her I cant do this anymore and I want NC. And I actually say in the text," I don't want to be there the day you fall apart, care too much to pretend like its not going to happen." Initially, she was cocky and texting me back and saying things like whatever you want pal and she said see ya in another life in 1 other text. Then 1 hour later she texts me, myspace messages, and calls me until 1 am and I still dont pick up. She kept begging me not to do this, that she loves me alot and this will torture her. Well, I get a call 5 am and it's a voicemail from her mom saying," She got pulled over while she was following me home and she's going to jail now." I can't believe it, shes going to jail and to my knowledge for over $6,000 worth of tickets. That may be like 3 months or more, ( maybe less I hope for her). Her mom asked me if I could help her return her college books for her, I said sure. I cant believe it guys, she was going to college, all she had to do was not go out everynight...You can read my posts from a week ago and I was telling you guys ( and you guys agreed) shes on her way to the jailhous with the amount she drives. I just dont know what to say....I cant believe it. I still love her alot, but this is proof to me why it needed to end. The question is, do I visit her in jail or leave her there to rot pretty much?
  13. i was walking home from the pub at about half9 lastnight when i got attacked. a girl grabbed me by the throat and punched me in the face 3 or 4 times. she was after money but i didnt have any. the thing is i know the girl who did it. she was in my year at school and she lives round the corner from my house, do you think i should press charges? if she didnt recognise me she will if it goes to court. the police told me that they could arrest her but she would get bail so if she did recognise me i think she is the type of girl to come back and get me. i dont know what to do i dont want her to get away with it but i dont want another beating.
  14. I feel stupid, lazy, and dishonest. I feel like I've cheated myself and others. In school, I was regarded as very smart -- honors, et cetera. My 8th grade year was fantastic but my transition to 9th grade was devasting. I went from being popular, the beautiful girls, and passion for life to being ditched by my best friends. My self-esteem was destroyed. I ended up partying more to regain my friends. I had my friends back, but I stopped honors classes and ended up barely graduating. I still was depressed. I look back at see ridiculous stupid mistakes I made, over and over. Stupid ideas or people who influenced me to think the wrong way. I cut corners and short changed myself. In college, I started a business with a friend. It wasn't easy, but we kept moving forward with it. I quit college to pursue it. When thing didn't go well (and after 9/11), I became very depressed. Slowly but surely I came out of it and put things back in order. Later on I went on a vacation with a friend. When I came back, my whole world was destroyed. I was falsely accused of something I didn't do, but it happened at a time when I was fighting with my family. Several things happened all at once. I voluntarily went to a psychiatric evaluation and was told I was okay and released. However, a day or so later I was arrested again. I was revisited in jail by a psychiatric evaluator who had a page of of half-truths about me. I was moved to a hospital for a 72-hour evaluation. Being in jail for something I didn't do really aggrevated me. I ended up leaving the hospital against the rules. I was arrested again. After a mild disagreement with another patient, the staff forced medication on me which I refused. They're was a struggle and the next four days of my life I don't remember (I was heavily sedated). apparently I was paraded in court during that time in an orange jumpsuit with my hands and feet shackled (for a misdemeanor charge). When I woke up I was in a maximum security evaulation center in a prison hours from my hometown. I was there for a month with other patients, all on felony charges like rape, armed robbery, and even murder. After my release, I had my court case to handle. It took over a year with threats from a prosecutor about felony charges if I didn't plead guilty, but I maintained my innocence and they dropped all the charges against me. (There was actually video tape evidence of my innocence). My reputation, my life, everything was destroyed. I wanted to sue, my lawyer said I had a guaranteed case, but we never did. I went on and everything was well for awhile. I focused on my ambitions and kept moving forward. Several years later I again was arrested for false charges, this time beaten by police (on video tape), was taken to a hospital for the injuries, and then to jail (for misdemeanors). Later I was falsely charged with 2 felonies (first time in my life) and held in jail for 30-days. Then they decided to drop all the charges and release me. It happened in a notoriously corrupt city. I feel so wronged by this. I accept responsibility for where I am in life and I know I'm at fault for somethings. But being falsely charged twice in my life, held for 30-days each time, and the charges dropped is hard to reconcile. People don't believe you. They still blame me. For someone who was so smart, I feel so stupid. I wish I could personify my true desire and stop being lazy, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop everything and reinvigorate my life. I feel like a tremendous failure. One of my main motivations has been to fight back for being falsely charged and clear my name by a lawsuit. I also feel lucky, I still have my business through all of this. I'm decent looking and have some very positive things, but I think I've just been tramuatized and have never had a real chance to express my feelings. I just ignored them, always remained positive and tried to replace my hurt with frivalous things. The one amazing thing that I've learned is that everyone has felt the way I do, everyone has made mistakes, everyone has been slighted by life an unfair ways, but not everyone reacts by doing nothing, or wallowing in pity, maybe for a period of time. At some moment, you just have to grow up, rationalize the things you can, forgive the things you can't and make your life better for today and tomorrow. I know only I can do that and that I'm only worthy of it if I work hard. May I fully embrace my desire and let it bring me everything I need. Thanks for listening/reading.
  15. I am ready. I feel a thousand paper cranes flutter at the movement of my hand. I see them take flight against a sky so blue that it clamours. One thousand paper cranes.... One... For each Day I have spent in Exile. Freedom from the prison of excuses I Have. Built. I will master the Seven Cuts. I will battle man's Ancient Enemy... which can only be Himself. And the apathy which he holds at once aloof and yet so close... I will force the image of the world from my eyes and view it gently, with the new eyes... the Soft, New Eyes which i have earned. Yet do not deserve.
  16. Most of the people in here seem to be a better type of person than I am, less messed up in a fundamental way. I am not talking about depression, saying your not as unhappy as me, just well your probably not as much a social freak. I don't like the word depression. I don't believe in psychiatry whatsoever except when a person is "psychotic". Well its certainly not for me. I am a very unhappy and miserable but aggitated sort of person. I always have been, really but especially since about the age of 12. I'm 31 now. I've been on the psychiatry bandwagon, medications, seen psychologists etc.. It didn't help me, in fact may have made me worse. They always say I have a "personality disorder" and symptoms of depression etc. I used to have real bad anxiety. For many years. I had HEAPS of full blown panic attacks.. Hyperventillation, Shaking, Rapid heart beat etc.. I used to be real neurotic. I believed I was dying of diseases. I thought I had cancer, heart disease, a stroke. I thought I was being poisoned. I wouldn't trust people not to poison my food or put drugs in it. I had equipment and I would take my blood pressure sometimes say 100 times a day as well as measure my pulse. Incredibly while I get anxious, I am nowhere near like before but the unhappyness is always present. Im not neurotic now. I dont know why it stopped. I was a severe alchoholic for a while. I was homeless and I got many charges against me, about 30. They were all stuff like disorderly behaviour, resisting arrest, property damage etc.. When I was drunk I often used to smash the bottles up and cut myself up. i wasn't trying to kill myself, i was trying to "hurt" myself but I wouldn't say at the time I cared what happened. I of course had heaps of stitches and a few operations, I am lucky i can still move my fingers etc. I am ashamed of the marks, I've got perhaps 60-70 altogether on legs and arms. Some of very pronounced. I used to hallucinate and stuff from the alcohol and have well hellish hallucination you couldn't imagine. I think my memory is permanently well a bit stuff as are some of my cognitive functions. I pulled away from Alcohol. Somehow.. Somehow I dont know how. It was more for other people. I was around kids. I had to stop. And I did. I am on disability. I've never had a job. I was quite messed up as a teenager. Like when I was 13 I smashed my fathers house up really bad causing about $30,000 damage (Australian dollars) and I threatened to kill him with an axe. I burnt all the pictures of myself and destroyed all my property and was put into a hospital against my will for several months. They put me on these medications and I put on HEAPS of weight. I lost most of it for a while but i've always had the disposition. Recently, I have put on heaps. At age 26 I was 85 kilos.. Now at 31 I have gone to 112kilos but this is also since i have stopped drinking. But damn I gave up alcohol and got off smoking onto nicorettes (actually ive been on and off the gum for 12 years, 5 years in a row now) but I can't damn lose weight. Its the one thing I can't beat. I'm too damn unmotivated anyway. Well Ive never had a girl friend, or even had any sort of sexual experience. Yes I want to, Ive got an ususually high sexual drive i believe and i am social. But girls always want to be my friend and are never interested. My sex drive is much lower now. I definitely feel i've missed out on to me the most important part of my life, not just the sex, but the relationship, the affection. Even when I was thin and fit I couldnt find a girl so now I reckon I have no chance cause I am really fat. I am too well unmotivated to shave and stuff anyway. I am on disability so i dont have to go out. I rarely do. I get lots of weird thoughts these days and "mix ups".. I think thats cause of the alchohol but sometimes i worry the nicorettes stuff my brain up cause for a while i was chewing around 3 times the maximum recommended dose and could not cut down cause i would get so stressed out and "depressed" and think really bad stuff. I always wake up each night feeling I am suffocated.. My heart races so fast and I get bad pain in my chest.. THen I get up and it goes away after 30 seconds. It probably some left over from the anxiety problem I had in the past. It usually happens within the first 1-2 hours of going to sleep. I cant concentrate on anything. I cant motivate myself to do anything. The more pressure I put on myself the more out of control my moods get. I know not to pressure myself cause I well I am a potentially extreme sort of person. I have tried medications they are bull * * * *. Antidepressant dont do anything, seem to make me feel like drinking i also feel as well so for this reason I keep off them. Especially the SSRI's seem to make me feel like drinking I think this may be because I reckon they make me much higher when I am drinking.People would say I would speak so fast they couldn't understand what i was saying. This would only happen when drunk on stuff with prozac. The neuroleptics are good to reduce stress and sleep but they ALL make my legs unable to stop moving and its torture. Even the new ones. They also make me really, really hungry and i've tried a few. Also i've had my tongue go funny on them and i get this weird feeling in my tongue whenever i take them. No way am i touching them. I dont trust them Lithium, mood stabalisers didnt help.. I dont think i have anything like bipolar anyway. Not yet atleast. So no i dont believe in medication anymore. I dont enjoy life. I often wake up and its not uncommon for me to have tears in my eyes but never full blown crying. I am always just trying to distract myself from the moment. But nothing satisfied me. The thing I would like most is a girlfriend but I am also unusually selective. I'd like a girlfriend almost just so i can die and say i have one. I dont want to die a virgin. I used to believe if i killed myself i would go to a sort of hell like in the hellraiser movies. this used to put me off killing myself bigtime. I felt i would be tortured for all eternity in a way worst than any prison of war camp etc.. I dont believe this anymore at all. I am a complete atheist. My life is miserable. The prognosis is poor. I dont believe free will exists by the way. I believe cognitiion is an illusion of biological processes. I dont believe i have a chemical deficit in my head just that my brain is of poor quality, a sort of crappy organ with deficits. I mean i did have brain damage when I was born (mild). I have extensively researched suicide methods. I mean high quality sources not just babbling rubbish. it feels liberating. I mean perhaps I could indeed slit my throat but why should i suffer my last few moments like that? I am NOT going to kill myself now, I cannot I have responsiblilities. It would mess some people up. You may say I have people its more they need me. I am there for *them*. But you know its a rational objective solution. I wish society was mature enough to say that for a select few, some people are just too disfunctional and it is humane to allow them to die. Why do you have to wait till people crack? Sometimes they crack and take down others? if people are to be held responsible for their actions (ie beaten up in prison) they should be allowed a respectable way out.. I just want to say that I dont want ANYONE else to think of hurting themselves. It may be a good option for me, but please your probably not like me. These young people who are so frustrated and depressed, at least your not 30 looking back going man i am old.. All my sexual conditioning is REALLY, SERIOUS, COMPLETELY MESSED UP. I mean I certainly don't find 30 year old women attractive. I havn't had women around to grow up with and I guess the conditioning move on. What chance do I have with a 20 year old women? None.. But my attractions have become abnormal. When you feel your programming is as messed up as mine. You realise its not worth it. But I hope all you other people find happyness. Bye
  17. The ride home from work It seems so pleasant The wind in your hair the driving music, oh so loud Then it hits you! Your stomach gurgles Then it goes away Phew, thank God You're so far from home Traffic stops, must be something ahead It hits you again It doesn't go away this time Don't panic, deep breath Oh no not gonna make it, need a bathroom Please protect me as i weave in and out of traffic I'll get a ticket if i get on the shoulder I don't care, im gonna go for it Speed up the shoulder, pray nobody opens their door Pray theres no police around If they only knew my dilemma Next rest stop one mile ahead Gurgle gurgle gurgle, im not waiting Floor the gas, Oh there it is, THANK YOU Oh no, the reason for this traffic, the guy in the shoulder, stalled gotta get around gotta get around gotta get around ok got around, back to the shoulder ut oh, there's a cop he spotted me, here he comes get a ticket, and go in my pants or make it to the rest stop, go, get a ticket and maybe arrested i'll gun it heres the rest stop run run run to the bathroom theres a line, oh no, oh my God, what am i going to do i can see the policeman outside, he's probing around for my car i've got 30 seconds left to do something or it's gonna get messy look at the men's room, long line, i push through the line, surely all the stalls aren't taken one stall open, yes yes yes, oh my god photo finish oh my god door slams open covered with pee, hair and a foul stench unimaginable run get some towels, wet them, lil soap man runs into my stall SIR SIR SIR SIR, Please sir i really have to go So do i Sir you don't understand, i'll give you money, please let me go how much? Here's ten dollars, please please, let me in, excuse me drop the money on the pee covered floor, umm sorry ........... ten minutes later slooowww down back outside, done, no pressure, feel so much better Oh my God, my CAR! the Cop! what if....... phew, there it is And there's the officer, leaning against my door, sippin coffee Heres your ticket son, you got a bad tail light, get that looked at, hope it all came out ok...
  18. I don't know what came over me but I've been very bitter and depressed since I found out my ex was a sleaze and cheated on me. I have not been able to cope at all. So I've been playing stupid games with him because I wanted to get even soo bad! I've been calling him nonstop excessively just to p*ss him off. I went on his myspace page and deleted his account. Now I have to stop and ask myself what was I thinking? Anyway my ex called to tell me that he was calling the police to file a lawsuit against me for harassment. He says that he's already showed the police my calls and he told them about the myspace page being deleted. I'm scared and now it hits me that I've been acting very reckless and stupid without thinking.I don't know what came over me. I had found out that my boyfriend has been sleeping with prostitutes and he is a sleazebag. He was the only there for me and I considered him my best friend. I nearly had a nervous breakdown when I found out about him cheating and I acted irrationally and now I may have to face jailtime for him being a jerk. I'm really scared and I don't know what to do.... I've never been so messed up in my life. I've reached a terrible low.. I've stooped to my ex's level.
  19. It's interesting how one mistake will alter your life - forever. I was a straight A student. I had high marks, I went to schools for the gifted, I had IQ scores far above normal students. I should have been the valedictorian, I should have been the one going to Harvard and later to Yale, but that all changed. It changed with her - my daughter. I couldn't handle it, I was weak. I started failing classes, I was skipping school, I had to take summer courses. I barely graduated. Then I ran away. I joined the Marine Corps. Colleges wouldn't want me anymore, this was my only choice - to prove that I could still be someone. But I'm not a somebody. My time was up and I left the military. I came back home, to go to school, to make ammends with her. "The best laid plans of mice and men..." Today I learned that my license has been suspended. My car was impounded and I walked 3 miles back home. I can't afford to pay my nearly $500 a month child support order, so of course the logical conclusion is to suspend my license and preclude me from making any money at all. Last week the judge told me I can't be a student anymore. So much for college. So much for trying to be somebody. My child support is based off of how much money I can make, not how much I am making. Now I have 15 days to magically make $1500 appear or I go to jail - jail has nothing on this living hell. It doesn't matter if her mother doesn't let me see her, it doesn't matter that her mother continually lies to me and to the courts, it doesn't matter that I want to make something of myself, it doesn't matter that I have crippling depression and think of killing myself on a nearly daily basis; all that matters is that the check every month. So here I stand a broken soul, lost amoung the confusion of what life is supposed to be. Lost amoung the beauracracy of unjust and biased governmental systems. Lost amoung broken dreams. What more is there? I threw my life away 8 years ago and it's not ever coming back. One mistake will take it all...
  20. My fiance and I have been together four years, we live together. We are both 25 I have gotten along great with his family for the past 3 years. Took them about a year for his mom to "let go" of her little boy and accept me. He is very close to his mom. He stops in every morning to see her at work and talk to her. But doesn't really see her the rest of the day due to work and other commitments. So here is the problem... last weekend we went to an amusement park and his step-dad was caught walking in the park with pot and cocaine. OMG- we were floored. Turns out his perfect family wasn't so perfect after all. His step-dad was arrested and has spent two nights in jail. His mom and sister tried to play it off at the park like it wasn't a big deal, we had to keep questioning to find out exactly what was going on. They didn't want to tell us. They told us instead to just go in the park and they would call in 30 min. Well we get the call saying hey he's been arrested we have to come back tomorrow and bail him out, so stay and have fun" When we get home (we left after that, it really did ruin the day) he called his mom and his sister. His sister didn't want to talk about it, and just seemed to think it wasn't a big deal. But did find out that she shares similar habits, as does his mom. He then called his mom to tell her that everyone needed to have a family talk (one that i wanted to be far far away from) telling them if they had to try to sneak it in at a amusement park- then obviously they had a problem. At that time his mom assured him how sorry she was, and that she would get help, and just kept crying. He was even getting worried she was suicidal- she was so upset. Well they got a call from his step-dad saying "oh its just a misdemeanor" So now suddenly all the crying and promises were for nothing. His mom has completely changed into this cold, defending person. Telling him how he is over reacting, it is like suddenly in her mind everything is ok now- and everythng was just an act. (my fiance is a anti-drug, anti-drinking person. lol he barely drinks caffeine) And his sister is just as bad, she seems to think that it is OK- because everyone does it, and says that people just don't understand. I mean do i stay out of it? (i am trying like hell to stay away out of it) we live together so i am always here for him to talk to- but the situation just doesn't seem to be going well. He is completely withdrawing, and i know this is going to rip his family apart. He is ready to give them an ultimatum of getting help, or not being apart of his life. Of course this is a hush hush thing. But his mom has taken off work two days this week- after having her vacation last week; and obviously his step-dad has done the same being in jail. So there are so many questions- because they are doing the "we cant say what is wrong" instead of simply saying they are sick or have the flu. And telling people you cant stay just makes them curious. Not sure what i am asking for from you all- maybe i just need to get it off my chest. Or has anyone ever been in a situation like this?
  21. I feel so horrible right now. I was watching TV, drinking some wine, and all of a sudden I heard loads of sirens at the apartments below my house. I went out into my backyard to see what was going on... and I heard someone talking on their cell phone on a wooded hill behind my house... so I walked over to go see what he was doing. But he saw me, so I asked him what happened, cause he was obviously hiding from the cops. He said he was scared because he'd go to jail if the cops saw that he was drunk, but that he didn't do anything wrong, although I had heard him say on the phone "my friend is telling the cops that I hit someone." Anyway, the cops show up on my street, looking for someone. I didn't know what to do... I was a little drunk. I realized after a couple of minutes that this kid kept lying to me... about where he lived... what he was driving, where he had parked his car... He said he had gotten a flat tire while driving through the apartments below my house beacuse he hit a curb. Said he was driving a 7 series BMW, but then said he was driving an SUV. I went in my house, he was waiting outside out of view of the cops, and I looked out my front window, saw the cops examining a Beamer that was parked on my street. I told the kid that he should go out and talk to the cops and that he was going to get in more trouble if he ran from them. He said he wouldn't do it cause he was drunk and if the cops saw him drunk they would put him in jail. So he left my house, ran down the hill in my backyard. I sat at my front window for 20 minutes wondering if I should go out front and tell the cops what had happened. I know now that I should've told them that he had just run down my hill so that they could catch him, but I took too long to decide and I was afraid because I was drunk and underage. I feel aweful. Really horrible.
  22. Hello Everyone, I am a 25 year old woman who has been in and out of abusive relationships since I was 16. In 2003, I met someone who I truly thought was different. He loved me, made me the center of his world and made me feel so special. I am from Canada, but met him in New York City. The fact that he called me everyday and complimented me constantly really made me fall for him, because at the time I had a very low self esteem and craved that kind of attention. He ended up moving here to Canada, and not long after things got bad. It started with arguments and accusations of me being unfaithful with him calling me terrible names. It progressed to physical abuse, him choking, dragging, kicking and hitting me. After three months, he ended up going back to NY. After he left, I grieved for a long time, because I kept thinking of all the good things he had done for me (although they were few and far between) and i truly felt i could never find anyone who loved me as much as him, or anyone at all. It took me a very long time to get over it and I suffered from depression during that time. By 2005 I had completely gotten my life together, and thought myself to be a confident, independent woman who had actually begun to love myself. I enjoyed doing things on my own and just working on myself and my career. Then i took a trip to NYC and made a huge mistake - I agreed to meet up with him again, and of course it all started again. The gifts he gave me, the attention, the promises of how he had changed and that we were meant to be. I came back here, and did my best to ignore his emails, calls etc. but everytime i felt down i would give in and listen to what he had to say. I started to remember how good it felt to have someone to love you, someone who knows you and to come home to. I agreed to try again. 3 months later he was back in Canada. This time is was much worse. Almost instantly I felt him take control of my life - not wanting me to spend time with my friends, questioning my every move and accusing me of cheating. He installed spyware on my computer and I felt like I was living in my own personal prison. The physical abuse started again and progressed for the last six months. During that time he had been arrested for assaulting me, even spent time in jail - it had been hell - but for some reason I kept taking him back - even going so far as bailing him out of jail. I knew what I was doing was wrong - allowing this - but this desperate part of me did not want to let him go - I believed I loved him. The idea of him being with someone else tore me up inside. I had once again become the pathetic, needy, abused woman I had let myself become so many times. Everyday he would threaten my life, put me down and beat me on a regular basis and I knew I had to tell him to leave, but I felt I would be nothing without him. I recently went on stress leave from my job due to the depression that I had fallen into. He left back to NY 3 days ago - by choice. The man who said he could never live without me, came here, destroyed me and then walked away from me. I feel worthless and not understanding why I do this to myself, why I keep allowing this to happen. I have been crying for 3 days straight, missing him so much. I am barely eating, sleeping or functioning. I continue to think of the good I once saw in him, and as sick as it may seem I still love him. I have no idea where to go from here, I am so scared that I will never live an abuse free life and that I wont make it though it this time. I feel empty, alone and could really use some advice, maybe someone to relate to? I have made the first step and made an appointment for counseling - but until then, I am in desperate need of support. I can not go to my family, because they are tired of trying to help me when I keep on making these poor decisions and self destructing myself. Thanks for listening, and if anyone has any advice, it would be much appreciated.
  23. Never knew I could feel like this again As if I forgotten what the sky looks like Forgotten what the birds sound like I am free Free from the shackles you placed on my heart From this prison you put me in when I was innocent Free to give it to someone who deserves it Unlike you. You let the fire of our love die out It can never be lit again Somedays and forevers have come and gone and now all you are is a memory You carved your name into my heart But it moved into the back of it Nothing but a distant memory of love and loss. This is goodbye. Good bye to the person I thought I knew Good bye to the person I didnt Good bye to the love I once had for you Good bye to the tears i wasted over you Good bye to you.
  24. My situation is one that is complicated and different but I'll go ahead and explain it anyway. I turn 17 this Friday and I absolutely hate my parents. Hate is a strong word but that's truth as I am moving out when I turn 18. It's been like this since June 2005 and they don't understand why but it's like prison here. Won't let me do a lot of things and don't understand my POV. I look at things on the gangsta side while they are two folks who do everything by the book and disagree with all of my opinion's. So with me having to live in this hellhole for more year...it's gonna be tough. I was wondering if there's any way I can talk to them about setting boundaries? Like, basically what they can't prevent me from doing and what rules will have to take place for the next year. Plus about me stating my opinion and them getting mad. Help, please. I want to get through living here in 2007 and not have it become a mess. Thanks!
  25. well i split with her just before crimbo,i got abit sick of how she wud handle life,she wud go work and come home then watch tv till bed time.i am 20 years old and she is 19,we sud be out having fun doing things.well anyways i had put up with this for nearly 2 years i had been saying to her she needs to get a hobby and start doing stuff but she never listen and it made me so unhappy cos all i seen was her doing nothing with her life.anyways i asked her to come into the ketchen and i said claire will you please change the way you are please please get a hobby or something i hate seeing you watching tv 24/7 it makes me unhappy and she said no i wont change.so i said well thats it i cant do it anymore. so then the next day i felt like i made a big mistake but anyways she told me she was going into town to go shopping so i told her ill come with ya.but she had stated that we was going to be friends and i was fine with this,as soon as i got into the car things started she was shouting saying why aint u doing ya driving test and some other stuff moaning like GIRLFRIENDS do but we r going friends i stated.so she stopped talking.we got into town and she was speed walking away from me....i told her why u walking away from me she said i dint want you to start asking me back out lol well i dunno.anyways things got more heated in the car back home i told her i wanted her back and that i had made a mistake i think she was loving me asking her so maybe thats why she kept saying no no no.then we got back to mine and she said ok bye ill see u around,i told her i want ya back claire i really do am sorry and she was trying to hurry me out the car cos she had to get to the picture's cos her mum and dad had payed for tickets for her. cos she dint give me answers i started getting really mardy and started refusing to leave the car....i told her about my ex trying to kiss me and then things really started to kick off. she tryed draggin me out the car but i just dint wanna leave her in this state anyways she has never liked my mum and dad for some reason i dont know but she said something about them and it really pissed me of so i hit her windscreen with my fist and smashed it well she started to cry then but for some reason i was crying aswell and i tryed getting out the car and she was trying to stop me lol. anyways thats the end of all that.i was in 2 minds weather to get onto my bike and just ride ride ride and never stop but i never wish i has now but about 1-2 weeks later i tryed texting her and ringing she wud not answer my calls or even text back...left it another week or so then she came on msn and said look i love u still but i just cant be with u anymore cos my dad has said am not allowed to speak or see you.but ill be friends with you over msn i was like okokok no problem. then about 1 week i went out into town and i seen her the nightclub i was in. once i steped in there she was with her m8's and all i heard was omg then she stormed off i never spoke to her at all.i was always dancing and she wud be there watching what am doing all the time dancing near to me.then after they left i tryed calling her but she dint answer so i left it there. then about another week later i got a phone call from the police saying that am harrishing her and that i need to leave her alone else ill be arrested but am finding it really hard cos i miss her to bits and wen ever i look or think about the things we had done together it breaks my heart. so yea am not allowed to call or even text her or go to see her else ill get arrested but theres a BIG but i owe her dad some money for a motorbike that he got me.hes not been chasing me for the money at all so i can just do a runner but i cant do that to her family after all the things they have done for me.but what i was think is sud i call her dad and see if he wants to go for a drink and tell him i have some of his money for him but only give him around £300 then more at a later time just so i still have a reason to stay around and that claire knows am still around and keeps thinking about me. i know this all sounds sad and crap but i am deepy in love with her and i know she is.........but its her dad thats stopping things...i know for a fact she wud of never of rang the police and got that stuff put agaist me cos she's a caring girl and loving at that....so its clear its her dad thats put her upto this. i am joining the army soon so am going to keep my head down and get in there and then after my training am going to go back and turn up in my uniform and show her thats ive changed and that i wanna be with her forever well what am asking is am i crazy lol but is love crazy or is it just me please help cos i think am going to get my self into troble today cos i wanna go and see her at her work and i know ill get arrested but then again i want her to see what ill do for love
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