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About Me

  1. I've been in my relationship for 7 years and help raised a child,(now at age 9),my girlfriends ex just recently got out of prison after 9 years,my gf is now in touch with him by means of visiting, texting and hiding this from me,I found out about it and confronted her with proof and she denied all,I'm 56 of age,to old to deal with b/s and lies, any helpful advice would be appreciated
  2. I've known him 10 years (knew him before prison). We recently reconnected. He's in prison for a non violent crime (no lectures about him being a 'bad' person pls) and has five more years. For the past year we've been talking he doesn't act sexual or romantic. When he tries it sounds awkward and fake. Whenever I confront him (wudnt a prisoner be horny as h*ll?) he says hes 'scared' to seem like hes just after me for my body. It just doesn't seem normal to me. He's hinted that he got 'VERY' close with his cellmate, and is depressed this guy left, but won't elaborate. He seemed straight when we were together, although he always loved jelly jars in his butt. He says hes a 'dom'. Could he feel emasculated? He does seem depressed and has a lot of health problems (he weighs 450 pounds). Do I just ask outright are you gay? He could just not like me anymore but hes not interested in other women either. I'm slim and cute lol. One reason I ask is I don't want to get HIV when he gets out.
  3. The mother of my 5 children and I had been together for 8 years before I was sentenced to 7 years in prison for things I did when I was younger(before I met her). She remained strong for the first 3 years, coming to see me every weekend and talking on the phone as much as possible. Then I was moved to a prison far from home and I eventually stopped recieving visits. After 2 years of only phone calls and letters she left me. But I remained in contact with my children by calling once a week.We had been broke up for 7 months when I was finally put in a workrelease program/ halfway house a month ago. After only a week of being here and being able to contact her on the phone she left her boyfriend of 2 months to get back with me. Everything was great for a couple of days. We facetimed and talked day and night. But then she called one day to say she couldn't do it.... Well she got back with the other guy for like 3 weeks and now they broke up again. We still talk but as friends. I get released in mid-september. And I just want my family back. She says there is no chance of us getting back together, so when we talk I try not to mention it. I do occasionally flirt with her but she has her guard up. She is beginning to lighten up but she is convinced that we will never get back together. The fact that she was with another man after me being her one and only does bother me. But I understand that she has also been thru alot while I've been in prison. And she did wait 5 years before deciding to leave.... What can I do and say to get the love of my life and mother of my 5 children back? .... I know that you might be curious as to why I was sentenced to 7 years in prison. Well before I met the mother of my children I was involved with gangs. I got into the gang life at a real young age (14 yrs old). I moved to a different state to get away from the gang and that's when I met the mother of my children. Tho I still had gang tattoos, I was no longer living the gang life. Years later my name comes up in a Rico investigation and I was arrested. After 10 months in the county jail the mother of my children managed to get my bond reduced from 500,000. to 30,000. And she bonded me out. I fought the case for 2 years and took it to trial. The mother of my children stood by my side thru the whole process. We felt like I was innocent, I had changed my life and I was now a father of 5 and a family man. Well I was found NOT guilty for count 1 Rico, but found guilty for count 2 conspiracy to commit Rico. My attorney said i was basically guilty by association because my family are involved with the gang. My younger brother was also convicted then later killed in prison.... Now I just want to put this all behind me and live a normal life. I want my life back. And am willing to change and do whatever is necessary to get my family back. Your advice and help concerning my situation will be greatly appreciated.
  4. Hello everyone, I have started a job at Starbucks 6 weeks ago and I just hate it. I don’t get along with any of my colleagues- not so much that I just feel it’s forced , very very forced. The job itself is just dull and repetitive and I just hate being there. I feel like it is a prison. I feel my energy is being sucked out of me! I have just finished university in a degree in medical sciences and been volunteering prior to getting the Starbucks. What should I do??
  5. They say when you meet your soulmate you know. Thats how I felt when I met this man four years ago but I was in a relationship and he was on and off with his girlfriend who he has a young child with. The chemistry was so intense but I am loyal so I did not give in which he says made him want me even more because he knew I was trustworthy. We had no contact for a year or so and I heard he was in a car crash and was critical. He had been driving the car and was under the influence and was sent to prison to serve his time. He has 27 months done and will be out over the next couple of days. Since he went into prison he has wrote me several letters and I visited him once but as I got in a new relationship our contact stopped. Three months ago he got a phone inside and texted me, he started to call me daily and we spoke on the phone for hours everyday and I visited him again. He is the most genuine, honest and caring person I have ever met and we couldn't deny our feelings were growing. He had told me that he would like to give it a go with me when he gets out but that he didnt want to rush into anything. I pressummed after being incarcerated for so long that he wanted to go out and play the feild a bit. He then told me that he knows that I am the only one for him and he doesnt want anyone else but that his ex was struggling with addiction and he wanted to help her and he said that it wouldnt be fair on a partner and that he wasnt able for jealousy but he didnt want to watch his son bury his mother. I understood this and it made me love him even more. He reassured me that he has no feelings for her and that he would never get back with her. She had a second child with another man and that relationship didnt work and she is now living in a homeless hostel and addicted to injecting heroin. He tells me about every conversation between them and says he knows I probably don't want to hear it but that he wouldn't keep anything from me and I do trust him. He has told her that he is talking to someone and plans to get serious when he is out and she asked who I was and he replied "none of your business" and she said "Im going to kick the out of her!" He told her he wouldnt let that happen and that he wants to settle down and be happy. He reminded her she has been with lots of men since they split up and that he doesn't care that they are finished. He has said that she will do everything she can to split us up and she tells him all the time that she's still in love with him. She has asked him to meet her for coffee when he is released and he has agreed. He has said that if she is upset that he might give her a hug but thats as far as it will go but I presume she is hoping for more. I'm obviously feeling a bit insecure even though I am very proud of him. I dont want my insecurity to get in the way but I don't want her taking the piss either. I don't want her to wreck what we have over her jealousy. Should I totally stay out of it or is there any ground rules you would put in place if you were in this situation? Any input or opinions would be greatly appreciated Thank you 😊
  6. I'm worried. I just want our first time back to be great
  7. Well not really a change in career per se I would still work in legal, but change from civil defense to criminal defense full time. For the past few months, I have been helping a solo criminal attorney set up his practice on a part time basis after work and on some Saturday's. I have been helping him market his business (advertiseing), set up his office and interviewing potential clients. He won't represent clients he knows are guilty, only the ones he senses are innocent. Although realizes some could still be guilty. This includes those charged with drug dealing, robberies, assault and battery, even some accused of rape. It's clear after interviewing, most are innocent, for some it's questionable. Anyway, he is getting very busy now and needs someone full time and has asked me to join and team up with him. I am finding that I really enjoy the work, and even feel this is sort of my calling; problem is he can't pay me nearly as much as my job now, and my lifestyle would change dramatically because of it. I'd have to move from a beautiful apt on the bay paying $1750 per month to a small studio no more than $1000 per month or even less. Less going out, less travel, less shopping, less spa days, lol. I know it sounds super shallow but I've been living this way for long time, plus I am questioning my ability to assist an attorney who may possibly get those guilty of an egregious crime off! Can I do this? While violent crime sickens me, it also sickens me how many innocent people are convicted and sentenced to long prison terms. And how corrupt our police dept and district attorney's office has become in our city, I've witnessed it! My bf said I can move in with him but if we choose to live together I don't want it to be because of financial reasons. I am really struggling with this decision! Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!!
  8. Me and D was together for a year when our little girl was born. Things were great, until DV started. D got arrested in Oct 16 and found guilty so we broke up for a while at that period. Then started seeing each other for a while a few months later, then found out I was pregnant. He wanted to keep it but I didn't because we had a newly 1 year old and our lives weren't stable to bring another child into it. So I chose to abort, and then we broke up from then. We got back together around Christmas 17 and then DV started again, really bad. He got arrested Jan 18 and found not guilty so he was released Feb 18. We started seeing each other again a few months later, and things were really good. But then the cheating started. He ended up giving me chlamydia so we stopped seeing each other for a while. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend on my birthday, then broke up with me the next day. But we have been on and off seeing each other ever since.. So here comes the advice that I need. In the past 15 months, he's only ever asked me to be his girlfriend once and then broke up with me hours later. In the past 15 months we've been seeing each other but ended every couple months because I found him speaking / meeting up with other girls. He always uses the excuse that we aren't together so he can do whatever he wants with who he wants so it's not cheating technically. Even though we've been seeing each other for 15 months, have a child together and have previously been together for 2 years before he was sent to prison. I feel like I can't let go of him because he has dragged me down so much I don't think I have the strength to say no to him. But he carries on doing it to me cos he gets away with it every time because 'we aren't technically together'. What do you think I should do?
  9. So here is the deal... I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. We were childhood sweethearts.. he was my “middle school boyfriend” back in the 7th grade. High school comes and he transfers schools. Fast forward.. we both graduate high school, he goes off to the army, I go to college. We both get married. Both have a son and now both divorced. Jumping to current time, he is the love of my life. We legitimately fit so perfectly together. Like fingers in a glove. We complete each other. So when We found each other again back in August 2017. And When we found each other again, he was currently at a rehab center getting treatment for his drug abuse. I’m not new to drug users unfortunately due to family with the problem so it didn’t bother me. (Although I have never touched a drug in my life) All I cared about was he was getting the help he needed and he wanted to live a healthy lifestyle. He’s clean from the drugs but has a problem with alcohol as well. (He stuffers from PTSD due to his deployments when serving in the army which causes the drug and alcohol abuse) anyways, a month ago he went to the bar with a coworker of his, ended up wreaking our bmw, getting a dui and spending the night in jail. Probably the worst night of my life... the problem I have is I don’t trust him at all not to drink. He’s be doing NA but has stressed to me that he wants to drink again. The day he got out of jail I told him no more alcohol and he agreed.. and now he wants to drink. I constantly always worry about him drinking and i don’t know if it’s justifiable or not. He keeps telling me... “thousands of people get duis everyday and they don’t stop drinking, I don’t know why I have to be different ” he has even openly admit to me he is an alcoholic. He’s not mean or grumpy, just likes to drink. I don’t know if I can handle the stress of always worrying about him drinking or not. Should he start drinking again? Should I stay firm in this and not let him drink. He’s such a stubborn guy so if I push too hard and tell him no to much, he will just end up drinking anyways but what he doesn’t understand is the pain I felt driving up to the scene where our wrecked car was.. watch him get thrown to the ground and also getting arrested while my 5 year old son watched all this happening..
  10. I really need some advice, especially from strangers as they are more impartial. I have been with my partner for three years and we have four children between us (none together) living with us and I have an adult daughter. We bought a house together last September and things have been a bit strained since. Just before we moved in my partner's father died very suddenly and even though he says he's ok as they weren't that close I know it has affected him more than I think he knows himself. Until last August I ran a successful business and before that I was a teacher. I am now a student again studying an MA but not being in work and being a kept woman has been killing me. I have always worked and been very independent, living many years as a single mother with a successful career and good income. Now I only have enough to buy food and fuel and I can't even give my kids any pocket money. My partner has a good job, works hard and provides for us but he has all the control of the finances which leads to me feeling very constrained. However, I recently got offered a job working as a prison teacher and even though I haven't had my official interview, they pretty much intimated in the telephone interview that they want to give me the job. My partner has always been a bit jealous and he sulks a lot, ignoring me and sometimes even refusing to accept a cup of tea from me, deliberately leaving it to go cold. This behaviour can sometimes last up to two days. I was so happy to get this job as I am more excited about it than I have been for any other job, not only because of the financial reasons but also because I felt like I was completely useless and worthless not working. It was also the first time in a very long time I have had an interview and I'm not so sure of myself as I was in my early thirties so it gave me a real confidence boost. So this has made me feel like the old, happy and confident me that I felt I had lost. But my partner is dead against the idea, stating that I will get raped and murdered and that I am being selfish and single minded and it will be him that has to tell all of our children that I have been killed at work. This is so unlikely to happen as there is so much protection for civilian staff and I am also a very astute people person with the skills to defuse an escalating situation. All of my family and friends think this is the perfect job for me and cannot understand why he is being so dramatic about it. He keeps reading up on violence in prisons and quoting stats at me. I asked if he would respond the same if I wanted to join the police force which he won't answer properly. My son, 10, who is immensely proud of me, thinks he is being 'sexist' (his words)as I had to tell him not to discuss the job in the house as my partner is feeling 'sensitive' about it as he thinks it is a dangerous job for a woman. I always back down and say sorry in an argument as I like to just keep the peace but on this occasion I have told him categorically that I will not. He has said himself in the past that he cannot cope when he feels out of control and I think he has gone into a tail spin now as he's not used to me being like this. If it was just this as an isolated incident I would take him at his word but every time I try to better my self professionally he always has something negative to say about it. I can't figure out if this is just what he says it is (fear of me being hurt), an insecurity about me having a job and a part of my world he is not involved in or just pure insecurity that I will be working in a setting which is predominantly all men, both staff and inmates. His words, 'if you want to play at being Agent Starling then it's up to you, but don't expect me to support you.' My friend was shocked at how patronizing this was but I am so used to him speaking to me like this when he's cross I didn't even respond that much to it. So, do I give in and not do it for the sake of my relationship but then run the risk of resenting him for never finding out where this job of a lifetime (for me) could have taken me? Or do I go for it and hope that in time he will accept it? Am I being selfish and ungrateful? I just don't know anymore!
  11. Mine called this morning. The call woke me up (I work overnight so I sleep late). I looked at my phone, saw it was the ex, thought "that's random" and went back to sleep. He left a message saying he was going to be in my town (in a different state than his, about 5 hours away) tomorrow, and asked me to call him back. I just went on with my usual day, then about 7 hours after he'd called I called him back. I let him know that my work schedule would not permit me to spend any time with him tomorrow, and that I didn't have a day off until the end of the weekend. He kind of laughed and said he was only going to be in town tomorrow. I told him it wouldn't be possible, then. We made small talk for a minute or two, then he ended the conversation with "well, if you can hang out tomorrow let me know." Um, I just said I had to work, but whatever. I wished him a safe trip and hung up. Some history...this is the guy who, when he broke up with me (he wasn't "feeling it"), I was devastated. I cried for two entire months, could hardly get out of bed, and swore to anyone who would listen that this guy was "the love of my life" whom I would "love FOREVER!!!111" Well...he wasn't, and I didn't...and I don't. If anyone had told me at the time of the breakup that he would be asking to see me and I'd turn him down, I would have denied it. I would have said they were crazy, that I LOVED him and always would. I would have imagined a passionate reunion, with me pulling out all stops to find a way to see him. The me back then would have assumed the me of today would have gone to work early or late, would have called out, or would have quit my job...anything, anything at all to see him, to accommodate him. But the me of today not only doesn't love him, but I know now he was never the man of my dreams like I thought he was. Without going into details, he's just got too many issues for me to want to hitch my wagon to him (including drug arrests and a prison record). This is the second opportunity to spend time with him I've turned down. So, for all of those who think they will never, ever get over someone...you can and you will. These men are not gods up on pedestals. They're human. And guess what? There are millions of humans on the planet. Nothing about them makes them any better than anyone else. And the mere fact that they've CHOSEN not to be with us takes them off the plate anyway...right?
  12. So My girlfriend ex just got out of prison and call her a few minutes ago asking about her and the baby, and the due date, he she tells him and she says she about to get into the shower then to bed for work, he goes okay I’ll call you back tomorrow and she goes sure. So we had a discussion about it and I ask her why didn’t she just tell him no not to call her anymore and that she move on and you should too, she didn’t say anything and jump into the shower
  13. Binding promises unlaced Rationale not clear Loyalty with knives erased All words insincere Leaving me uncomprehending Betrayal festering Is Waterloo without an ending All that faith can bring? I was grateful to the floor It held me up Or down, not sure Anyway, it's much more real than you You've triumphed now, you've carried out your coup Haven't you? This is a requiem For a fool So I'll draw stick men on the walls Inside this flaming home And if they're done before it falls I'll muse on them alone Charcoal smiles, bone-white background Vicious irony A grinning stack of bones will sink down Where I used to be And I loved clouds in the sky They waved hello Or waved goodbye Anyway, they're much more real than you You built a trap to see what I would do Didn't you? This is a diagram Of a tool Lies will stream through crystal prisms And break in hues beyond our vision Soft deceit and tears of jism Stone is not what makes a prison Hope is dirt and likewise trust They form this spinning nightmare's crust Labeled "Love" are jars of lust Expired into ash and dust So smear them on your marble bust And play the mourner if you must
  14. what is this curse why every day thing get worst and worst lost my daughter that was first i drink and drink but nothing quin-sh my thirst i feel like a bubble that waiting to burst i think i be better off in couch-en Ina back of a Hurst i no longer can live in this hurt i try and try cry and cry but something just wont let me die what is it you see when you in eyes do get lost like looking at big blue sky or do see my soul is it me or is it time is getting cold listen to my story to one i have ever told i am prisoner and i have been capture i no longer have a beautiful future love ones have me tore-sure chain up beat up kick up but i cant understand what is it they after my heart weigh me down i feel i am carrying a ton my feeling getting numb and every one asking how come bills rises money decreases demand greater food lesser can someone tell when thing will be better because i so sick of my life being bitter
  15. I know u look at my title and ask yourself why you said I’m about 2 tell you see I just found out like 2 hours ago that the boy I was going wit every since I was 13 and that I’m still in love wit is in jail 4 killing his mother boyfriend because his mother boyfriend was beating on his mother the thought of him in jail is making me so unhappy and I want 2 talk 2 him and see him so bad. I love him so much that I would go see him in jail every time I can this so like eating me up inside that he is in jail. What advice or what would I do about this.
  16. So anyways i have/had a best friend (white male) who i met this year in school. We clicked and we talked a lot in one of the classess we have. Well anyway i started hangin out with him in september. I went to his house and we hung out with all his friends. Well anyway i realized while i was at his house all his friends were "wannabe gangsters." They all had knives in their pockets. (even at school my friend brought a knife to school and if like a teacher saw that he could have gotten expelled) Their neighboorhood is not the "hood." They were all dressed like gangsters: the do rags, the spinning belt thing? not sure what its called and the fake grillz on their teeth. Well anyway i tried to play along with this whole thing. Even though inside i felt really uncomfortable. Well anyway i told him i felt uncomfortable and he got mad at me and was like "nuthin isnt going to happen and all this other stuff. Dont worry about it." So i just dropped it and just didnt worry about it because i knew my best friend is a nice person and wouldnt do anything bad. So on halloween he invites me to go to a halloween party, which i later found out that it was his girl's party. it was fun even though i barely knew anyone except for him. I did feel a little uncomfortable because i didnt know anyone here except him and i remember some people that i met earlier and i also felt left out because they were doing stuff in rooms not that i wanted to be with them, but i thot it was rude how they all just went in to the rooms to do stuff and i had to watch these 9 year old kids who i didnt even know. But it was ok. So like a week ago he turns 16 and u know im happy for him you know but we didnt do anything for his b-day but that was cool with him, but he told me he probaly wasnt getting his car until like january or the earliest december. So like a couple days afterwards he got a car it was a 2000 sumthin i dont even remember what the kind of car it was. And i was like oh thats so cool, but i also kept thinkin like this kid isnt rich so how did he get a car already and also a couple nights ago he said he wouldnt get it until like january. so anyway i was browsing around on my friends list on myspace. And on his heading thing it says "ill miss u guys, i think i might be going to jail" and i sent him a message because i was concerned and i put like "Your going to jail or r u kidding bout that." and he sends me one back and says "dont tell anyone this but you remember that car i was talkin bout i stole it. i kept if for like a couple days and my mom found out and turned me in and i gave the car back to the owner and they didnt press charges but im in super trouble" When i read this i was shocked! i couldnt believe it, but there were signs tellin me that i should have known he was a bad kid, but i didnt care. He's such a nice kid and friendly and you wouldnt think he would have done it. So the problem is ever since he told me i feel like i cant trust him anymore. i feel like im being a bad friend to him and maybe i should support him, but i dont even kno if i can trust him now. All my other friends are sayin you need to drop him as a friend and i cant seem to do it. i dont know what to do? sry for it being so long.
  17. Recently I started hanging out with this awesome girl. The more time I spend with her the more I seem to fall for her. We share so many things in common and really really enjoy eachothers company. The last boyfriend she has/had is currently in jail slated to be released in about a year. She's referred to him as everything under the sun like my boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, my friend, this guy and initially when she told me the story regarding him, she said he was sent off to Iraq for a couple years. I later found that it wasn't Iraq but the clink. Probably was too embarrassed to admit jail. Here's us now, somewhat slowly developing a relationship between the two of us. We talk on the phone several times daily and we see eachother almost every single night. We have kissed passionately several times but not for over a month now. Now she just turns her head to the left when she comes in for what is now the goodnight hug as if she's avoiding kissing me all together. I knew about her little jailbird before I started hanging out with her. I respect the fact that she has/had a boyfriend and give her that space. I let her move at the pace she's comfortable with and all the way up until this point I've let her make every move whatsoever when it comes to our relationship. I figure she knows what she's doing. It was her, in fact, who got my number from someone else and started calling me to hang out. She has been the aggressor in this relationship the entire time because I've let her. Also, the whole time I've known her, I know that she drives down once in a while when she can to visit this guy in jail and I think she talks to him on the phone every Sunday. Am I waisting my time here as this is just a matter of time before he's released and she's back with him and I'm an afterthought or should I now turn on the aggression and move the relationship to a more serious level by myself? We've never talked about her "friend" in jail in detail at all. I've never asked what will happen to us when he gets out. Should I? When she comes in for that hug at the end of the night and turns her head left what should I do? ~CONFUSED~
  18. i was with a girl called maxine shes 28 i am 22, when i meet her we fell for each other stright away ,it was a bit strange really as she live over the road from me all my life, but our paths never crossed before ,i new her brother ,and her dad but not her she had being hurt before, i had never being in love, i just used to take advantage of my looks, and go on the pull all the time, but i fell in love when we started seeing each other it became aparent to me that she had some baggage, ie an ex that was in prison for attemted murder, he was a a foraner,and i found out wilest i was with her she was helping trying to get him out of prison, at the same time telling me i was the one ect ect, i satisfided her in every way but she would not let go of the past, she got him out of prison, and then disaperd out of my life she got bk with him, 2 weeks later she came looking for me and said she had made the biggest mistake of her life and needed me, like a fool i taken her bk we things started going really well we where happy. then her x turned up at her door a and tried to stab me he split my thumb open, and i beat him up on her road then he put a 20,000 pound contract out on me to have me shot. i had this droped as in the past i was a bit of a ganster. not any more i am soft now ,i carryed on loving maxine even thou i was hurt from all the stuff she had brought on me,we went on holaday together, she became my best frend as well as the love of my life. she told me i should do modling so i did became sucessfull but she got insercure hard to talk to and i just loved her, and did every thing i could to make her happy ,she started wanting to go out so i said ok go out even thou her frends are into cocaine .and i dident like the idea but she said to me i want you to stay in i did as she said and it done my head in, so the next time she went on a night out so did i ,i came back home and she lost it and punched me in the face. and made a mess of my hand these asalts started happening alot, and it scared me as i would not hit her bk as i would hurt her, once she started hiting me and i said do you want to kill me or somthing and instead of hitting her i hit myself and broken my jaw daft i know any way we ended up breaking up she moved a lodger in stright away that has a girlfrend and is her bros mate to help with the rent she started stalking me and i had enough of it gave in and said i would meet her for a chat that night she dident meet me she went out with her mates gutted i do love her miss her. but know she wont speak to me and registerd on a dating site ,me know i have being going out wiv my mates i go into clubs and i can get who ever i want , i get so many offers everyday but i just carnt do anything about them becuse i still feel like i belong to maxine, and it doesent help that one of my best mates died in a car acident the other day, maxine laughed i feel so alone
  19. well i split with her just before crimbo,i got abit sick of how she wud handle life,she wud go work and come home then watch tv till bed time.i am 20 years old and she is 19,we sud be out having fun doing things.well anyways i had put up with this for nearly 2 years i had been saying to her she needs to get a hobby and start doing stuff but she never listen and it made me so unhappy cos all i seen was her doing nothing with her life.anyways i asked her to come into the ketchen and i said claire will you please change the way you are please please get a hobby or something i hate seeing you watching tv 24/7 it makes me unhappy and she said no i wont change.so i said well thats it i cant do it anymore. so then the next day i felt like i made a big mistake but anyways she told me she was going into town to go shopping so i told her ill come with ya.but she had stated that we was going to be friends and i was fine with this,as soon as i got into the car things started she was shouting saying why aint u doing ya driving test and some other stuff moaning like GIRLFRIENDS do but we r going friends i stated.so she stopped talking.we got into town and she was speed walking away from me....i told her why u walking away from me she said i dint want you to start asking me back out lol well i dunno.anyways things got more heated in the car back home i told her i wanted her back and that i had made a mistake i think she was loving me asking her so maybe thats why she kept saying no no no.then we got back to mine and she said ok bye ill see u around,i told her i want ya back claire i really do am sorry and she was trying to hurry me out the car cos she had to get to the picture's cos her mum and dad had payed for tickets for her. cos she dint give me answers i started getting really mardy and started refusing to leave the car....i told her about my ex trying to kiss me and then things really started to kick off. she tryed draggin me out the car but i just dint wanna leave her in this state anyways she has never liked my mum and dad for some reason i dont know but she said something about them and it really pissed me of so i hit her windscreen with my fist and smashed it well she started to cry then but for some reason i was crying aswell and i tryed getting out the car and she was trying to stop me lol. anyways thats the end of all that.i was in 2 minds weather to get onto my bike and just ride ride ride and never stop but i never wish i has now but about 1-2 weeks later i tryed texting her and ringing she wud not answer my calls or even text back...left it another week or so then she came on msn and said look i love u still but i just cant be with u anymore cos my dad has said am not allowed to speak or see you.but ill be friends with you over msn i was like okokok no problem. then about 1 week i went out into town and i seen her the nightclub i was in. once i steped in there she was with her m8's and all i heard was omg then she stormed off i never spoke to her at all.i was always dancing and she wud be there watching what am doing all the time dancing near to me.then after they left i tryed calling her but she dint answer so i left it there. then about another week later i got a phone call from the police saying that am harrishing her and that i need to leave her alone else ill be arrested but am finding it really hard cos i miss her to bits and wen ever i look or think about the things we had done together it breaks my heart. so yea am not allowed to call or even text her or go to see her else ill get arrested but theres a BIG but i owe her dad some money for a motorbike that he got me.hes not been chasing me for the money at all so i can just do a runner but i cant do that to her family after all the things they have done for me.but what i was think is sud i call her dad and see if he wants to go for a drink and tell him i have some of his money for him but only give him around £300 then more at a later time just so i still have a reason to stay around and that claire knows am still around and keeps thinking about me. i know this all sounds sad and crap but i am deepy in love with her and i know she is.........but its her dad thats stopping things...i know for a fact she wud of never of rang the police and got that stuff put agaist me cos she's a caring girl and loving at that....so its clear its her dad thats put her upto this. i am joining the army soon so am going to keep my head down and get in there and then after my training am going to go back and turn up in my uniform and show her thats ive changed and that i wanna be with her forever well what am asking is am i crazy lol but is love crazy or is it just me please help cos i think am going to get my self into troble today cos i wanna go and see her at her work and i know ill get arrested but then again i want her to see what ill do for love
  20. I'm trying to figure out if moving out would really do the trick, and help me feel like I'm getting somewhere in life. I know I've posted similar threads like a billion times, but I'm not quite convinced. Moving out would be a huge step for me. I feel like my home with the old folks is a prison in many ways. Although an outsider wouldn't see them as *that* bad, they certainly have been over the years. To cope, I've barricaded myself up in my room to shut them/the dysfunctional family out. The only reason this was successful was because my computer/internet has acted as a "window" to the outside world. A tool for escape. This has affected my studying pretty badly. As soon as I'd get home, I'd barricade myself in my room. To remove the feeling of claustrophobia, I'd resort to my computer. Even though realistically, I know they're currently *okay*, I still live like this - the tension and feelings regarding my parents have built up over the years, and I can't seem to change the way I feel about them, especially my Dad whom I almost never speak to/look at (he is very dominating). I can see the same effect at work on my younger brother, and know there is nothing I can do to change it. Interestingly, also, I have noticed that when my folks aren't around I'm inclined to leave my room. When my Mum is here, I'll leave my room sometimes, and talk to her sometimes. But, when my Dad is here, I'll almost never leave, or especially talk to him. But I know, if I move out, I'll be poor as hell, and I'll have to spend a LOT more time doing things I don't regularly have to worry about... which means, life will most assuredly get harder... But would it be for the better? I have no doubt some of my computer use will resume; I just feel it will be more casual as opposed to necessity. I know I'll make lots of mistakes, but I know I'll also learn a lot this way. I just feel like I'm not making progress currently, and I'm sick of making the same mistakes... and if I can squeeze in one more shot at College, or life, I want to get it right. What do you all think?
  21. It's interesting how one mistake will alter your life - forever. I was a straight A student. I had high marks, I went to schools for the gifted, I had IQ scores far above normal students. I should have been the valedictorian, I should have been the one going to Harvard and later to Yale, but that all changed. It changed with her - my daughter. I couldn't handle it, I was weak. I started failing classes, I was skipping school, I had to take summer courses. I barely graduated. Then I ran away. I joined the Marine Corps. Colleges wouldn't want me anymore, this was my only choice - to prove that I could still be someone. But I'm not a somebody. My time was up and I left the military. I came back home, to go to school, to make ammends with her. "The best laid plans of mice and men..." Today I learned that my license has been suspended. My car was impounded and I walked 3 miles back home. I can't afford to pay my nearly $500 a month child support order, so of course the logical conclusion is to suspend my license and preclude me from making any money at all. Last week the judge told me I can't be a student anymore. So much for college. So much for trying to be somebody. My child support is based off of how much money I can make, not how much I am making. Now I have 15 days to magically make $1500 appear or I go to jail - jail has nothing on this living hell. It doesn't matter if her mother doesn't let me see her, it doesn't matter that her mother continually lies to me and to the courts, it doesn't matter that I want to make something of myself, it doesn't matter that I have crippling depression and think of killing myself on a nearly daily basis; all that matters is that the check every month. So here I stand a broken soul, lost amoung the confusion of what life is supposed to be. Lost amoung the beauracracy of unjust and biased governmental systems. Lost amoung broken dreams. What more is there? I threw my life away 8 years ago and it's not ever coming back. One mistake will take it all...
  22. Well, this is it. The last exit before the jumping point, and it's just you and me, and all of a sudden I find out that you haven't really been with me. I am alone. It's not your fault. You didn't know. How could you have known? So I suppose this is goodbye? I can't bear to let you go. Your hand clasped in mine— but it is actually the steering wheel. It's been in my mind, the whole time? Sounds about right. Assumptions are the downfall of humankind. But how can I let go of something that I never really held? You've trapped me with your innocence and you never knew it. Is it right to say goodbye? I'm not leaving, and neither are you… but it feels right to say it, even though neither of us are going anywhere. I can't watch you leave. Eyes closed. But it's not forever. You'll keep on coming back. You'll never know how you kept me prisoner. I'll never tell. I can't watch you leave, even though I know it'll only be tomorrow before I see you again. But it won't be the same. You won't know, but I will. I'll know it was never real. It's still too early for our not-final goodbyes. Can I bear to leave you, even for a day, when I know part of me will be with you? Even when you are unaware… It's not your fault. Please…don't touch me. Don't wipe at my tears… …I'm afraid I might kiss you. Your eyes, I can't stop- I'm falling! Push the gas pedal!...but it doesn't work. I can't escape your innocent entrapment. Oh, if you knew… …no! You won't. I'll make sure of it. No-please… don't touch me…I'll be okay… as long as you're within my grasp… If you like it, you can find basically anything I've written in the last year at [link removed
  23. I have been coming to this site for a few months, and at times it has really helped me. I wanted to retrace my ordeal from this past weekend in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else. This past Friday, I reached the lowest point I have ever been in my life. At approximately 9pm I called and told my children that I loved them, and then proceeded to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills with the thought that my pain would come to an end. Because my ex wife new that I was acting funny, and because of some other things that had happened during the day, she decided to call 911. They came to my house and transported me to the hospital and my life was saved. I really thought that this was the answer to my problems and didn't care about the consequences of my actions. When my parents found out what had happened they of course came rushing to my house, only to be met by the police who were not willing to let them enter until they had deemed everything to be under control inside first. My father did not like this and proceeded to scuffle with the policeman, and apparently my mother did also. 24 hours later they were both arrested and transported to jail, where they had to spend the night with real criminals, because of my actions. My parents are 65 and 61 years old. Though I am definitely still not well, I unfortunately have had to face the initial consequences of my actions. Thinking that my suicide would make my problems go away, and that other peoples lives would have been better, was a horrible mistake. My actions have caused even more problems for the people in my life. I have been reflecting on the events of this past weekend, and even though I'm not sure that something like this will never happen again, I can definitely say that I regret how my suicide attempt has made things worse for other people, when I irrationally thought that things would get better for other people. Though I have not spelled out all of the details to my situation, I am hoping that just these facts alone will help someone else consider the consequences of their actions before taking that next step. Thank you for listening.
  24. To start off, i've mentioned before how I look really young for my age. But let me tell you about last night. It almost pushed me off into the deep end. I went out with a friend, we went to Applebee's had a few drinks and as I was walking up to the bar to hand the bartender my drink (they bring them out two at a time at tables and I know the bartender so she holds my extra one), some girl said something like "Is he really drinking that?" Then once I got to the bar, I asked her to hold my drink and she agreed and some dude said something about checking my I.D....I joked with him a little and his friend and the bartender and made small talk and all was cool. Then we went accross the street to this popular bar and I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time. Well, i went to the bar and this guy starts on me IMMEDIATELY! He's all "You better check his I.D. What, are you about 14?" or something like that... Then he said he was just messing with me and that he had to cuz he likes the Chicago Cubs and I was wearing an Atlanta Braves hat...He's from Chicago and dresses like a cowboy, go figure. Then I leave the bar and go talking to some friends. And then the guy I went to the bar with lost his cell phone. So I went around asking people if they had found a phone...About the third group of people this chick starts on me. She said something about me looking young...like "are you old enough to be in here?" I ignored her and whatever. Then she goes "Have you even reached puberty yet?" and that may be funny to some of you who do not have this 'problem' persay but that was it. I was like "Ok, I know I look really young, i'm over it, are you? I mean are you so self conscious that you have to try to make other's feel bad to make urself feel better? I mean, it's not my fault you look over 50 but u shouldn't take ur aggression out on me. And if you are this much of a b**** when you are drinking, i hate to see what u are like when ur sober." i'm normally really cool about stuff but man, she hit a nerve. i said a little more but i won't utter them here lol And that guy started on me again, so i just went to leave cuz i was ready to deck him in the face. And I was sitting down, at the regular bar (all the scenerary was at the tiki bar), and I was talking to a few buddies and that guy walks bay... "I'm sorry man, I was just having a good time." "Yeah, but at someone elses expense, MINE!" "I said i'm sorry, but i guess it's not good enough?" "Dude, just leave...leave before I freak out and get arrested" And the convo went like that for a little while. We were all telling him just to leave and well it's sort of depressing. I mean, once or twice I don't care. But people were messing with me about it all night. what am I supposed to do? i just want to go out and have a good time, not be confronted by pathetic losers who are older than dirt and still hanging out at bars trying to pick up girls. Any advice??
  25. I met this guy...he is amazing but theres a few problems....hes 20 im 16, he was married and he has a 3 year old lil girl...but I really dont care...he is so nice 2 me...we talk everyday and hes a good guy...but hes confused right now....let me let u read his message to me: message from Randy.... yo wutz good im back in town gotta take a shower and shi* but its kool u had a goodtime wit me and wagz thats my nigg*as far as anything i aint lookin to hurt no one and i dont plan on makin anyone wait long we just gotta let things plan out i like to test the water before i jump in u know wut i mean so if everything stays good then yea we'll go out but if ur dad or someone makes threats about charges and crap im out and thats only fair cuz i gotz a daughter to take care of dont need jail right now but i got mad love for u take it easy patience is a virtue... Now I like him so much...Id do anything for him...and hes tellin me to be patient and its so hard...cuz I just wanna be with him so bad...but then I tell myself he has a lil girl...and she should and is the most important thing in his life...and thats how it should be...Its so hard knowin I cant be with him right now...how do i stay patient? help!
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