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About Me

  1. I've been in my relationship for 7 years and help raised a child,(now at age 9),my girlfriends ex just recently got out of prison after 9 years,my gf is now in touch with him by means of visiting, texting and hiding this from me,I found out about it and confronted her with proof and she denied all,I'm 56 of age,to old to deal with b/s and lies, any helpful advice would be appreciated
  2. The mother of my 5 children and I had been together for 8 years before I was sentenced to 7 years in prison for things I did when I was younger(before I met her). She remained strong for the first 3 years, coming to see me every weekend and talking on the phone as much as possible. Then I was moved to a prison far from home and I eventually stopped recieving visits. After 2 years of only phone calls and letters she left me. But I remained in contact with my children by calling once a week.We had been broke up for 7 months when I was finally put in a workrelease program/ halfway house a month ago. After only a week of being here and being able to contact her on the phone she left her boyfriend of 2 months to get back with me. Everything was great for a couple of days. We facetimed and talked day and night. But then she called one day to say she couldn't do it.... Well she got back with the other guy for like 3 weeks and now they broke up again. We still talk but as friends. I get released in mid-september. And I just want my family back. She says there is no chance of us getting back together, so when we talk I try not to mention it. I do occasionally flirt with her but she has her guard up. She is beginning to lighten up but she is convinced that we will never get back together. The fact that she was with another man after me being her one and only does bother me. But I understand that she has also been thru alot while I've been in prison. And she did wait 5 years before deciding to leave.... What can I do and say to get the love of my life and mother of my 5 children back? .... I know that you might be curious as to why I was sentenced to 7 years in prison. Well before I met the mother of my children I was involved with gangs. I got into the gang life at a real young age (14 yrs old). I moved to a different state to get away from the gang and that's when I met the mother of my children. Tho I still had gang tattoos, I was no longer living the gang life. Years later my name comes up in a Rico investigation and I was arrested. After 10 months in the county jail the mother of my children managed to get my bond reduced from 500,000. to 30,000. And she bonded me out. I fought the case for 2 years and took it to trial. The mother of my children stood by my side thru the whole process. We felt like I was innocent, I had changed my life and I was now a father of 5 and a family man. Well I was found NOT guilty for count 1 Rico, but found guilty for count 2 conspiracy to commit Rico. My attorney said i was basically guilty by association because my family are involved with the gang. My younger brother was also convicted then later killed in prison.... Now I just want to put this all behind me and live a normal life. I want my life back. And am willing to change and do whatever is necessary to get my family back. Your advice and help concerning my situation will be greatly appreciated.
  3. Sorry this is sorta long... My brother is 21 years old. He hasn't graduated... he's been into drugs since he was about 16... and he's basically messed up a good portion of his life. He hasn't lived at home for about the past... year and a half maybe .... because him and my mom dont get along... ever since he's been about 17 he's been in and out of our house. He can't keep a steady job.. and is basically bumming off whatever he can get. But as of the end of next month he wont have a place to live so he wants to move home.. that's fine... both me and my dad have clearly stated to him and my mom that if things are going to go back to the way they were than we can't have him here.... him and my mom faught constantly.. like yelling screaming.. the whole 9 yards. My house wasn't a very happy place. It's been alright with just me and my parents... we get along for the most part... and my brother comes home every sunday to do laundry and have a decent meal. So fine he wants to move home.. not a big deal.... tonight... our phone rings.. it's him... he had 6 warrants out for his arrest .... adn one of his ex-employers was a cop and ran a background check on him.. and when he went to pick up his t-4 slip.. he got arrested. One of them is for assult.. and i don't know what else.... he's 21 (i'm in sask canada) so there's a good chance he could end up with jail time.... He's my brother.. i love him to death.. but i sure don't like him very much.... My parents don't know what to do.. there isn't much tehy can do.... the other day he told me that ... it's a good thing that i've watched him screw up his whole life because then i don't have to make stupid mistakes.. i've learned from him.. which i have.... but like.. what do i say to that? I guess my problem.. if you want to call it that.... is ... i'm scared for him..... i always am..... i worry about him....and there's absolutely nothing i can do.... he's been arrested before... when he was 17..he got off with some community serivce and 2 years probation.... so he was lucky... he was a minor.... that's been wiped from his criminal record.. but now there'sa chance that's all gonna come back to bite him in the ass..... I'm scared for him.. that he's gonna end up with jail time... or something's gonna happen to him..... i've always been scared that he might do something drastic... something.. like...suicide.... i do'nt think he would.. but that's always something that has terrified the hell outta me.. i know he gets depressed.... and i knwo he doesn't handle it very well.... If anyone can offer me... anything.... advice...some comfort.. anything.. it would be appreciated.... if you have any questions.. i'll answer them as well.... Thanks for anything
  4. I wrote this one last year... Prison How long must I languish in this prison? My soul lies in a cold, dark place, so Twisted even the wind laughs at my plight. Walls of confusion, disappointment, fear, Disenchantment and pain vanquish every Last tiny drop of hope. I've spent so long in this place, that I seem to have forgotten my fondest dreams; I seem to have forgotten my self... Through rusted bars, I see the world Spinning, everyone seems to live Free, while I just exist - Alone - for an eternity, but when The night comes, I feel even More forsaken... The porridge I'm served poisons My soul - life force-feeds me Images that test my soul... ...a plot to enrage me, to make me jealous, make me explode, make me a real offender... Images of held-hands, warm Embraces, touching mouths, Merging bodies, uniting souls... ...that which I yearn for so Much, with all that remains Of Me. I want to go on hunger strike, But the tiniest echo of compunction Doesn't let me euthanise. Even Papillion would not have Withstood this level of harrow for Long. Melancholy is my only visitor, And she is not there for my health. What did I do to warrant this Punishment? Through the bars again, I look at So many who deserve this prison Much more than I. Those will half-a-heart, with guile On their mind, and with carnal impetuses. This world praises them and all that they do. But now my heart is colder and Harder than theirs' ever was. I've been on trial all my life, Yet no advocate has come To my rescue. Every day I'm questioned even more, I cannot defend myself - I have Nothing left with which to plea. Down I go, deeper and deeper, There is no jury, and this trial I endure has no connection with fair. I'm in a prison, from which I cannot Escape - I have condemned myself To a life sentence of loneliness. I'm guilty, of course! But of what? Of gentleness, honesty, sensitivity, and being true...
  5. hey it's CC, Remember that boy who sexually assulted me? Well he hit my little brother. He's 18 this guy and my little brother is 12. We were going to phone the police on him, me and my family I mean, if he does it again we are going to phone the poilce. I want to hit him over and over again but I don't want to stoop ton his level. what should in the the mean time? This guy still followes me whenever I go out the house. So I feel like a prisoner out of my own home because of him. I don't know what to do. Please write back cc
  6. Ok my ex and i broke up for a lot of reasons one is the fact that he hit me more than once and knocked me out for so long that i didnt remember the next day another being he was starting to use a whole bunch of crack and crystal meth and well thats just no good. So my cousin shared a cell with him (sounds bad i know but really were a lot better than we sound) and a few weeks before he was released he was saying how he was going to come and get me back when he got out and kill whoever i broke up with him for and if i refused to be with him that "the grave would just have to be twice as deep" my cousin called me as soon as he could well now my ex is out of jail and looking for me a while back he found me and he tried to rape me but i fought him off and suddenly without explanation he just left. He is quite buff and was more than likely hyped up on some drug and i know that if he wanted to he could have rapped me. My bf has basically welded himself to me to try and protect me but i dont know if he can see i dont think his flesh will substane from a bullet. Any rational person would have gone to the police by now but i am not rational see he will just get out in a little bit anyway and come for me again a restraining order would mean i would have to know where he lives for his address and i dont so i just want advice on what to do please help[/code]
  7. I been with a girl for over a year, this guy has been writing her letters the whole time, come to find out last week they been seeing eachother cause he just got out of jail. I have been so hurt and disqusted with this the whole time cause it scared the living hell outta me... well all my fears hit reality as of now because her sister tells me everything. I have been one great guy to this girl, and for a 25 year old to sit and cry and pout and whine and feel like the whole world has come crashing down... its really bad!! This guy was in jail for burglary to get money so they can get high on morphine. The guys mother killed her husband 16 months ago with morphine overdose. What is going on with this girl? Shes mourning over a dead husband, leaves someone who has his head on his shoulders for a bum loser with no job no life just got outta jail for burglary, what is a man like me to do to get peace? im soooooooooooooo disqusted im even thinkin bout goin to the emergency room for depression which has been getting worst over the past couple of weeks. Now its REALLLLY bad, some good advice?
  8. I have been with my partner for 9 years last Friday and we have an 8 yr old son. When we met I fell head over heels in love with him and was pregnant within a few weeks. At 6 months pregnant he had lied to me, cheated on me, stolen from me but I still worshipped him. I have lost count of how many times he has hurt me, left me, come back, lied cheated and all the rest of it but things got worse in January this year. He went out one morning and didnt come home (which is not unusual) for 8 days and I had no idea where he was or even if he was alive. I found out he has started taking crack and when he called and asked me to go and get him I did and he looked terrible. I sat with him and his parents and told him that I loved him but couldnt go on like this anymore and he promised me it was all over and he would sort himself out. Then 3 Fridays ago he was going out and I sensed something was wrong and I asked him not to go but he went anyway and until Wednesday this week I hadnt seen or heard from him and neither has our son who is devastated. Wednesday he called in tears saying he loves me and thought I wanted him to leave because we row and that he wanted to come home. I told him I love him and he said he would come over. Didnt turn up. Then called yesterday and asked for some of his stuff. Turned up and saw my mum and was in tears. Phoned me and said he loved me and would be back that night. Got a call to say he had been arrested (although i am not sure it was a policeman or one of his new mates) and that he was in the cells and he would call on his release in the morning and again i have heard nothing. I feel like I have lost control of everything. He is the centre of any who knows hims life, he is a lovely person but such a lost sole and without me he has nothing. His family have given up on him, so have his real mates not the ones he chooses to hang around with and if i pull the plug he has nothing. no job, no money, no car, just clothes. PLEASE HELP ME. I CANT FUNCTION WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE AND I JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME SO WE CAN SORT THINGS OUT...... He is 39 yrs old and just doesnt seem to be able to stop being a compulsive liar, cheat, thief etc. and will end up back in prison again if he is not careful (that will be the 3rd time since we have been together).[/b]
  9. I just want to say I've never felt so confused in my entire life. My ex g/f dumped me 2 weeks ago, I waited 2 days, we hung out for couple hours, then we didn't talk for 1 week. Wednesday afternoon she calls me and asks if I can help her move. At this point I really miss her so I volunteer. I go over, things are fine, we pack things up, joke, hang out and things feel really good. I noticed many times when we were laughing she'd look at me like she used to when she wanted to kiss me, and I could see her trying to restrain herself. Finally I don't remember why, but we were wrestling around with her girlfriend and my ex had her lips less than an inch from mine so I let her have it, she paused, then gave me one of the best tongueless kisses ever. She asked why I never came to see her, I told her because she dumped me "hence" that's usually a sign to stay away...all these I took as good signs and I felt great, best I'd felt since breaking up. Then come over the guys, 5 guys come over looking for the girls with arms full of cases of beer. The girls tell the guys they're moving and can't hang out so the guys leave. Yesterday I, thinking that maybe after the day before the ex may want to hang out, she'd mentioned it the night before head on over. So I'm driving and as I get close to her house 2 of the guys from the night before are walking down the girls street. They didn't know which house was the girls, just the street, so they were looking. I stopped and talked with them, we burned a fatty then went to the girls house. We made plans to go to these guy's apartment. Couple hours later we're hanging out at these guys apartment and the entire night the ex doesn't look or talk with me. Later in the night she's all into it with one of the guys roommates who just came over in the middle of the party from jail, was in jail for the last month...a little earlier we were walking and the guy from jail and I were talking and he was talking about how awsome the girls are and how there's enough to go around if I just hang out for a little bit and he's saying all this s*** that really bothers me. At the same time when we get back to the apartment, he's all over my ex, and she's thinking he's genuine. I really don't understand how 2 days could be so different. One day there was mass attraction, the next day I just feel like a total and complete moron. Is this the typical relationship after breaking up????????????? I feel sad now and really wish I had just stayed away from her. I don't think I should try to see her again, what do you guys think?
  10. My autn married "Jo" about 4 or so years ago. A year ago they split up, and are in the middle of getting a divorce. They have 2 children tgether, a 3 year old and a one year old. Lately my aunt has been saying that jo is now gay, because she has seen him with men who also look gay and Jo wears a lot of jewelry now, and not by means of "guys jewewlry" This mornin i got probably the worst news someone could ever hear in their life. My grandmother called and asked for my mom, who is out for the day and my father who is workin. SO she said well i have some bad news about Mike ( the name ill call my three year oild couisn ). She said that last night Mike came home and was acting very strnge. My aunt noticed that he was talkin funning, slurring words, and wen he went to take a drink he missed his mouth and spilt it alol over himself. That could be a child ting, but the he was puttin his head in between his legs, crying and saying he didnt want to talk to anyone. Well that only worried my aunt a little bit, until she changed his diaper before bedtime. She notied that their was vaseline all over my 3 yhear old cousins bum. Well the necxt ting u kno she is up at the ER at 11 last night. They took him right in and have been doin tests on him ever since. They have called the police and child services in. They are performing blood tests and rape tests on my three year old cousins. They cant do ne thing yet, like arrest Jo, until they find out for sure. THey think he was drugged and raped by his own father, within the 3 hour visitation he has. I cant handle this, I have been crying. A THREE YEAR OLD LITTTLE BOY, he is the cutest thing u have ever seen in ur life. he is the most innocent, sweetest little kid you could ever meat. Just last weekend i took him out to get ice cream and we sat outside on a bench, as he watched the birds fly into the tree saying " oooooo BIRDIES can i have one?'' I want to kno will this man who doesnt even deserve a right to ne thing if this is true, will he get life in jail? because that is waht he deserves. My family is beside themselves, my brothers are jsut about ready to hunt him down - which they kno they cant do obviously. I have been crying on the phone with my cousin Meg and my aunt Jen all mornind I dont kno if im jsut venting, but i think i need to hear from someone.
  11. usually at my work i stare at them i smile he smile back at me after what would i tell him do i have to ask him out immediately or rather ask his number first? im so confused im so afraid of what would be my cons after my actions i dont what to live my life in scandal or in jail for sexual conduct! [/b] right?
  12. Hello, I need some on how to support a friend of mine who will be serving a prison sentence after being found guilty of multiple counts of fraud today. He is to appear in court early next month for sentencing. I know he has made a HUGE mistake but I feel for him. He is terrified about being raped and/or getting bashed in prison. I just don't know what to say to him, he can face up to 12yrs imprisonment but his lawyer says it's very unlikely that he'd face the strictest penalty. Although his lawyer did say to be prepared to face a couple of years of prison time. How can I say to him "don't worry about being raped or bashed, you'll be fine" when I don't know for sure! I looked up some info on the net and prison life sounds horrible. My buddy is only a small man 5'9" and only of slender frame and he'll be locked up with a whole population of violent criminals. What if he gets locked up with a cellmate who is a violent prison rapist? His biggest concern is being sodimized and bashed, he said if he would get raped in prison he'd rather commit suicide then live through that. How can I help my friend who went of the rails?
  13. I am not good with this long distance relationship thing. I have posted several times about my and my bf who has moved about 3 hours away. I waited for him to call me yesterday like he said he would, but he never called. Should I call him or just wait? I know he is probably busy or maybe in jail paying his unpaid tickets off, but still I would like to know what is going on. I trust him there is no doubt about that. I am just afraid that he doesn't love me like he used to. He is not one to keep his mind to himself. If he doesn't like something he is going to tell you weather it hurts or not. He is just straight forward which I like. Again should I continue to wait to hear from him or just call him myself. I find myself getting sadder each day as I am away from him.
  14. Hi all. I found this forum today simply because i was bored and i typed in : I just want to die. And i found you guys. I dont know what to do anymore... I am 23 and a nobody, doing nothing with my life, i keep running into dead ends. I am a single mother (the father ran off to become a heroin addict, bum, and whore) and ive been through three abusive relationships in a row (and the one im currently in is being worked on, but its livable). I live with my father and we are extremely poor, and he is an alcoholic and does drugs, and i cant stand having my son around it, not to mention all he does is rage and scream all the time. I dont know what to do.. I cant get an apartment because i have a warrant for my arrest and i have bad credit and rental history... Ive tried soooo many times at complexes AND through independent renters, and to no avail. All I want to do now is straighten my life up but there is no way to climb out of the hole i am in.. i got a car but i cant get a license because of the warrant, and i cant pay it off, and im afraid ill lose my son if i go to jail. He is the only thing other than my boyfriend that keeps me somewhat sane. I am also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have an eating disorder. I think the best thing to do is just end everything, but then im afraid of what will happen to my son. There is no way out for me, and im hopeless. Ive tried government agencies, who just laugh at me basically... i dont want to go back to being homeless on the streets, not with my baby. But i just cant stay here and i have no options anymore I just want to die. Thanks for listening.
  15. I thought i had myself under control but i was wrong. i nearly got myself arrested last night and this after noon...God, what's wrong with me... My parents live overseas and keep trying to make me join them, but i won't and they see my boyfriend as a threat because he won't do as they say, they are nice to him because they want to manipulate him but when that didn't work, they put him down in those oh-so-subtle ways...luckily he's smart and saw through them or i'd be a lonely kid by now... Then i'd get these dreams where my parents dragged me through an airport to take me overseas, in thos dreams i try to scream for help but i have no voice and there's a guy in uniform who tells me to get lost and behave, then i try to throw chairs at him but i'm too weak to hurt him or anyone else... And today i went fishing with my friends at a reservior...there were two guys from the company that was in charge of that place who dissed my friends and i pointed my middle fingers at their backs...i hated them from there...then i noticed them at the jetty and to provoke them i sat facing out towards the water swinging my legs...when they were about to leave one of them shouted at me, and my boyfriend told me to ge to off, i shot a Look at that guy and sat tight, then my boyfriend opulled me off and somehow i thought that guy was the uniformed guy in my dreams...so i sat back on with my back facing the water and the guy stood there glaring at me and won't go away, now there were three other people on the jetty doing the exact same thing and he picked on me...so as he stood there, i suddenly had this urge to rush over and beat the daylights out of him...my boyfriend had to physically pull me off and gag me when i started yelling alot of well, expletives at that guy and that guys went off satisfied...when i finally got loose i was shakingall over and sort of sick from anger... i made my views about that guy really clear and not to mention loud, the whole jetty was staring at me and moms were covering their kid's ears. but i only wanted that guy to hear and learn that i'm not as innocent as i looked....and i want to hit him, injure him and really hurt him...i don't know why, but God, i could have gotten arrested for defiance towards a public officer or assualt or disturbing public peace and well i don't know what's gotten into me. For that moment i wanted to really hurt him for trying to control me, for telling me what to do and his actions basically had him classed with my paren'ts actions. Hypocrites who pretend to be doing their 'duty' by 'caring' about my safety and welfare while all they want to do is to control me...God, what the hell is wrong with me...why do i keep wanting to hurt people...
  16. Hello everyone, I have started a job at Starbucks 6 weeks ago and I just hate it. I don’t get along with any of my colleagues- not so much that I just feel it’s forced , very very forced. The job itself is just dull and repetitive and I just hate being there. I feel like it is a prison. I feel my energy is being sucked out of me! I have just finished university in a degree in medical sciences and been volunteering prior to getting the Starbucks. What should I do??
  17. They say when you meet your soulmate you know. Thats how I felt when I met this man four years ago but I was in a relationship and he was on and off with his girlfriend who he has a young child with. The chemistry was so intense but I am loyal so I did not give in which he says made him want me even more because he knew I was trustworthy. We had no contact for a year or so and I heard he was in a car crash and was critical. He had been driving the car and was under the influence and was sent to prison to serve his time. He has 27 months done and will be out over the next couple of days. Since he went into prison he has wrote me several letters and I visited him once but as I got in a new relationship our contact stopped. Three months ago he got a phone inside and texted me, he started to call me daily and we spoke on the phone for hours everyday and I visited him again. He is the most genuine, honest and caring person I have ever met and we couldn't deny our feelings were growing. He had told me that he would like to give it a go with me when he gets out but that he didnt want to rush into anything. I pressummed after being incarcerated for so long that he wanted to go out and play the feild a bit. He then told me that he knows that I am the only one for him and he doesnt want anyone else but that his ex was struggling with addiction and he wanted to help her and he said that it wouldnt be fair on a partner and that he wasnt able for jealousy but he didnt want to watch his son bury his mother. I understood this and it made me love him even more. He reassured me that he has no feelings for her and that he would never get back with her. She had a second child with another man and that relationship didnt work and she is now living in a homeless hostel and addicted to injecting heroin. He tells me about every conversation between them and says he knows I probably don't want to hear it but that he wouldn't keep anything from me and I do trust him. He has told her that he is talking to someone and plans to get serious when he is out and she asked who I was and he replied "none of your business" and she said "Im going to kick the out of her!" He told her he wouldnt let that happen and that he wants to settle down and be happy. He reminded her she has been with lots of men since they split up and that he doesn't care that they are finished. He has said that she will do everything she can to split us up and she tells him all the time that she's still in love with him. She has asked him to meet her for coffee when he is released and he has agreed. He has said that if she is upset that he might give her a hug but thats as far as it will go but I presume she is hoping for more. I'm obviously feeling a bit insecure even though I am very proud of him. I dont want my insecurity to get in the way but I don't want her taking the piss either. I don't want her to wreck what we have over her jealousy. Should I totally stay out of it or is there any ground rules you would put in place if you were in this situation? Any input or opinions would be greatly appreciated Thank you 😊
  18. I'm worried. I just want our first time back to be great
  19. Well not really a change in career per se I would still work in legal, but change from civil defense to criminal defense full time. For the past few months, I have been helping a solo criminal attorney set up his practice on a part time basis after work and on some Saturday's. I have been helping him market his business (advertiseing), set up his office and interviewing potential clients. He won't represent clients he knows are guilty, only the ones he senses are innocent. Although realizes some could still be guilty. This includes those charged with drug dealing, robberies, assault and battery, even some accused of rape. It's clear after interviewing, most are innocent, for some it's questionable. Anyway, he is getting very busy now and needs someone full time and has asked me to join and team up with him. I am finding that I really enjoy the work, and even feel this is sort of my calling; problem is he can't pay me nearly as much as my job now, and my lifestyle would change dramatically because of it. I'd have to move from a beautiful apt on the bay paying $1750 per month to a small studio no more than $1000 per month or even less. Less going out, less travel, less shopping, less spa days, lol. I know it sounds super shallow but I've been living this way for long time, plus I am questioning my ability to assist an attorney who may possibly get those guilty of an egregious crime off! Can I do this? While violent crime sickens me, it also sickens me how many innocent people are convicted and sentenced to long prison terms. And how corrupt our police dept and district attorney's office has become in our city, I've witnessed it! My bf said I can move in with him but if we choose to live together I don't want it to be because of financial reasons. I am really struggling with this decision! Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!!
  20. Me and D was together for a year when our little girl was born. Things were great, until DV started. D got arrested in Oct 16 and found guilty so we broke up for a while at that period. Then started seeing each other for a while a few months later, then found out I was pregnant. He wanted to keep it but I didn't because we had a newly 1 year old and our lives weren't stable to bring another child into it. So I chose to abort, and then we broke up from then. We got back together around Christmas 17 and then DV started again, really bad. He got arrested Jan 18 and found not guilty so he was released Feb 18. We started seeing each other again a few months later, and things were really good. But then the cheating started. He ended up giving me chlamydia so we stopped seeing each other for a while. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend on my birthday, then broke up with me the next day. But we have been on and off seeing each other ever since.. So here comes the advice that I need. In the past 15 months, he's only ever asked me to be his girlfriend once and then broke up with me hours later. In the past 15 months we've been seeing each other but ended every couple months because I found him speaking / meeting up with other girls. He always uses the excuse that we aren't together so he can do whatever he wants with who he wants so it's not cheating technically. Even though we've been seeing each other for 15 months, have a child together and have previously been together for 2 years before he was sent to prison. I feel like I can't let go of him because he has dragged me down so much I don't think I have the strength to say no to him. But he carries on doing it to me cos he gets away with it every time because 'we aren't technically together'. What do you think I should do?
  21. So here is the deal... I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. We were childhood sweethearts.. he was my “middle school boyfriend” back in the 7th grade. High school comes and he transfers schools. Fast forward.. we both graduate high school, he goes off to the army, I go to college. We both get married. Both have a son and now both divorced. Jumping to current time, he is the love of my life. We legitimately fit so perfectly together. Like fingers in a glove. We complete each other. So when We found each other again back in August 2017. And When we found each other again, he was currently at a rehab center getting treatment for his drug abuse. I’m not new to drug users unfortunately due to family with the problem so it didn’t bother me. (Although I have never touched a drug in my life) All I cared about was he was getting the help he needed and he wanted to live a healthy lifestyle. He’s clean from the drugs but has a problem with alcohol as well. (He stuffers from PTSD due to his deployments when serving in the army which causes the drug and alcohol abuse) anyways, a month ago he went to the bar with a coworker of his, ended up wreaking our bmw, getting a dui and spending the night in jail. Probably the worst night of my life... the problem I have is I don’t trust him at all not to drink. He’s be doing NA but has stressed to me that he wants to drink again. The day he got out of jail I told him no more alcohol and he agreed.. and now he wants to drink. I constantly always worry about him drinking and i don’t know if it’s justifiable or not. He keeps telling me... “thousands of people get duis everyday and they don’t stop drinking, I don’t know why I have to be different ” he has even openly admit to me he is an alcoholic. He’s not mean or grumpy, just likes to drink. I don’t know if I can handle the stress of always worrying about him drinking or not. Should he start drinking again? Should I stay firm in this and not let him drink. He’s such a stubborn guy so if I push too hard and tell him no to much, he will just end up drinking anyways but what he doesn’t understand is the pain I felt driving up to the scene where our wrecked car was.. watch him get thrown to the ground and also getting arrested while my 5 year old son watched all this happening..
  22. I really need some advice, especially from strangers as they are more impartial. I have been with my partner for three years and we have four children between us (none together) living with us and I have an adult daughter. We bought a house together last September and things have been a bit strained since. Just before we moved in my partner's father died very suddenly and even though he says he's ok as they weren't that close I know it has affected him more than I think he knows himself. Until last August I ran a successful business and before that I was a teacher. I am now a student again studying an MA but not being in work and being a kept woman has been killing me. I have always worked and been very independent, living many years as a single mother with a successful career and good income. Now I only have enough to buy food and fuel and I can't even give my kids any pocket money. My partner has a good job, works hard and provides for us but he has all the control of the finances which leads to me feeling very constrained. However, I recently got offered a job working as a prison teacher and even though I haven't had my official interview, they pretty much intimated in the telephone interview that they want to give me the job. My partner has always been a bit jealous and he sulks a lot, ignoring me and sometimes even refusing to accept a cup of tea from me, deliberately leaving it to go cold. This behaviour can sometimes last up to two days. I was so happy to get this job as I am more excited about it than I have been for any other job, not only because of the financial reasons but also because I felt like I was completely useless and worthless not working. It was also the first time in a very long time I have had an interview and I'm not so sure of myself as I was in my early thirties so it gave me a real confidence boost. So this has made me feel like the old, happy and confident me that I felt I had lost. But my partner is dead against the idea, stating that I will get raped and murdered and that I am being selfish and single minded and it will be him that has to tell all of our children that I have been killed at work. This is so unlikely to happen as there is so much protection for civilian staff and I am also a very astute people person with the skills to defuse an escalating situation. All of my family and friends think this is the perfect job for me and cannot understand why he is being so dramatic about it. He keeps reading up on violence in prisons and quoting stats at me. I asked if he would respond the same if I wanted to join the police force which he won't answer properly. My son, 10, who is immensely proud of me, thinks he is being 'sexist' (his words)as I had to tell him not to discuss the job in the house as my partner is feeling 'sensitive' about it as he thinks it is a dangerous job for a woman. I always back down and say sorry in an argument as I like to just keep the peace but on this occasion I have told him categorically that I will not. He has said himself in the past that he cannot cope when he feels out of control and I think he has gone into a tail spin now as he's not used to me being like this. If it was just this as an isolated incident I would take him at his word but every time I try to better my self professionally he always has something negative to say about it. I can't figure out if this is just what he says it is (fear of me being hurt), an insecurity about me having a job and a part of my world he is not involved in or just pure insecurity that I will be working in a setting which is predominantly all men, both staff and inmates. His words, 'if you want to play at being Agent Starling then it's up to you, but don't expect me to support you.' My friend was shocked at how patronizing this was but I am so used to him speaking to me like this when he's cross I didn't even respond that much to it. So, do I give in and not do it for the sake of my relationship but then run the risk of resenting him for never finding out where this job of a lifetime (for me) could have taken me? Or do I go for it and hope that in time he will accept it? Am I being selfish and ungrateful? I just don't know anymore!
  23. Mine called this morning. The call woke me up (I work overnight so I sleep late). I looked at my phone, saw it was the ex, thought "that's random" and went back to sleep. He left a message saying he was going to be in my town (in a different state than his, about 5 hours away) tomorrow, and asked me to call him back. I just went on with my usual day, then about 7 hours after he'd called I called him back. I let him know that my work schedule would not permit me to spend any time with him tomorrow, and that I didn't have a day off until the end of the weekend. He kind of laughed and said he was only going to be in town tomorrow. I told him it wouldn't be possible, then. We made small talk for a minute or two, then he ended the conversation with "well, if you can hang out tomorrow let me know." Um, I just said I had to work, but whatever. I wished him a safe trip and hung up. Some history...this is the guy who, when he broke up with me (he wasn't "feeling it"), I was devastated. I cried for two entire months, could hardly get out of bed, and swore to anyone who would listen that this guy was "the love of my life" whom I would "love FOREVER!!!111" Well...he wasn't, and I didn't...and I don't. If anyone had told me at the time of the breakup that he would be asking to see me and I'd turn him down, I would have denied it. I would have said they were crazy, that I LOVED him and always would. I would have imagined a passionate reunion, with me pulling out all stops to find a way to see him. The me back then would have assumed the me of today would have gone to work early or late, would have called out, or would have quit my job...anything, anything at all to see him, to accommodate him. But the me of today not only doesn't love him, but I know now he was never the man of my dreams like I thought he was. Without going into details, he's just got too many issues for me to want to hitch my wagon to him (including drug arrests and a prison record). This is the second opportunity to spend time with him I've turned down. So, for all of those who think they will never, ever get over someone...you can and you will. These men are not gods up on pedestals. They're human. And guess what? There are millions of humans on the planet. Nothing about them makes them any better than anyone else. And the mere fact that they've CHOSEN not to be with us takes them off the plate anyway...right?
  24. Binding promises unlaced Rationale not clear Loyalty with knives erased All words insincere Leaving me uncomprehending Betrayal festering Is Waterloo without an ending All that faith can bring? I was grateful to the floor It held me up Or down, not sure Anyway, it's much more real than you You've triumphed now, you've carried out your coup Haven't you? This is a requiem For a fool So I'll draw stick men on the walls Inside this flaming home And if they're done before it falls I'll muse on them alone Charcoal smiles, bone-white background Vicious irony A grinning stack of bones will sink down Where I used to be And I loved clouds in the sky They waved hello Or waved goodbye Anyway, they're much more real than you You built a trap to see what I would do Didn't you? This is a diagram Of a tool Lies will stream through crystal prisms And break in hues beyond our vision Soft deceit and tears of jism Stone is not what makes a prison Hope is dirt and likewise trust They form this spinning nightmare's crust Labeled "Love" are jars of lust Expired into ash and dust So smear them on your marble bust And play the mourner if you must
  25. what is this curse why every day thing get worst and worst lost my daughter that was first i drink and drink but nothing quin-sh my thirst i feel like a bubble that waiting to burst i think i be better off in couch-en Ina back of a Hurst i no longer can live in this hurt i try and try cry and cry but something just wont let me die what is it you see when you in eyes do get lost like looking at big blue sky or do see my soul is it me or is it time is getting cold listen to my story to one i have ever told i am prisoner and i have been capture i no longer have a beautiful future love ones have me tore-sure chain up beat up kick up but i cant understand what is it they after my heart weigh me down i feel i am carrying a ton my feeling getting numb and every one asking how come bills rises money decreases demand greater food lesser can someone tell when thing will be better because i so sick of my life being bitter
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