Gracelove

Wow! Thanks! I wouldn't expect someone to say that I was making progress. Thanks for saying that I'm not crazy, but a normal angry person. I know this is going to sound sooooo crazy, but that makes me feel really good. I used to immediately turn any anger or disappointment inwardly. It would instantly vanish and become sadness or some other symptom. I've just started feeling anger off and on over the past year and a half, and I'm still so uncomfortable with it. I say year-and-a-half because I used to have a stalker. And I didn't even have a 2-month break between the end of that and the rape this past Feb. I can't even tell you how I really feel.......... It feels great!!!! To be told it's okay to be angry, and that I'm making progress at the same time. People never usually see me angry or upset. So if I ever get that way they act like the planet has just been taken over by aliens. Like, "How dare Grace not like something! Or how dare Grace be unhappy!" You're words are priceless. I can actually smile. Thanks. I know I may feel a little weird these days, or act a little weird, and I'm sorry, but that really meant a lot.

Thanks I hope it gets better. Four weeks...... I don't know how I'll get through this one. Thank you though. Thank you for sharing your experience. Does it really help with depression? I mean, I have been diagnosed as having major-depression, but no one knew. Even my pyschotherapist was surprised. Now that I'm on medicine, I don't want my problems to be overly-obvious.......I mean, did you ever feel like you were out of control while you were on this medicine. Like the other day (last night), when I said I want "my rapist's mother to be run over by a bus"...it's not something I'd usually say, ya know. But I didn't care. I mean I didn't feel bad saying it. That is so unlikely me. I would feel ashamed to even think such a thing usually. So how could I just say that and mean it, not regret it. And I told my boyfriend that the rapist deserved it, he deserves to feel the amount of pain that he has caused me. And then I said that he hates women, so he'd probably thank me. I mean, I SAID THAT!!! AND I MEANT IT, that is soooooo not me. I don't want people to think I've lost my mind.

You're right, I am nerved up right now. The pills are supposed to make things better, ya know. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I'm supposed to take one pill this week, and 2 pills starting next week. This is a nightmare guys, a living nightmare. Why didn't I know it would be like this. Can medicine really do this to you? My boyfriend was exhausted last night, but he wouldn't go to sleep before I would because he was afraid for me. This is ruining my life. If this ruins my relationship I'll have nothing left. I'm scared. And I want something to make it better. I feel safe with my boyfriend, but I'm not with him right now. I'm alone. I'm alone, because whether he believes it or not he needs some space. And I want what's best for him, because I love him. How am I suppose to feel safe alone. I haven't slept alone since taking these pills. I am grateful for this website, because right now it's keeping me occupied. These pills are..........I don't know, but I'm upset. I thought they would make things better, everything just seems amplified (spelling?) Yesterday I was certain I wanted to die. I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, I just simply wanted to die. I can't say that I've had those exact feelings before. I was making it before pretending the rape didn't happen. Then I couldn't do that anymore these feelings started building and I had to face them. And I'm trying to face them, and now they occupy my thoughts. And then I take anti-depressants to help me with those thoughts, and my life becomes a nightmare.

Maybe you should go spend the night too, and find out. If she is going to let two men spend the night at her house then she should have no objection to you being there. If these two men aren't her brothers then why do they need to spend the night. It sounds crazy to me. But if my boyfriend said two girls were spending the night at his house you better believe I'd be right there in the mix.

Hey guys! Thanks for the quick response. I'm taking: Citalopram I'm not even finished with my 1st week, I don't know how much longer I can take this, it's crazy. Does it take a whole month for the weirdness to go away? I feel like I'm losing myself. I've never felt this way. I feel kind of disconnected. Like I'm weirding out or something. When I feel like I'm about go fall asleep I start crying, like sleeping is painful or something. Sleep is really uncomfortable, it's so weird. It's like I'm exhausted, but my body is amped up at the same time. How is it possible for someone to feel that way. Sometimes I feel like I'm staring in some weird movie or something, because these feelings can't be normal. I hate the way I feel. I feel uncomfortable. And I'm blunt. I'm not a blunt person, but a little while after taking the pills I become so blunt. Last night I told my boyfriend that I hope "my rapist's mother gets run over by a bus". Where did that come from. My boyfriend looked at me and told me that I need to lay down, that it's the medicine talking. Where is this coming from? Where are these feelings coming from? I feel like a different person? Can these pills make you a different person?

I'm not quite sure, but the title feels appropriate. I started taking this anti-depressant medicine 4 days ago. And I'm scared. I don't feel better, I feel worse. I feel like a completely different person. After I take the medicine I feel like I'm losing it. It's like.....I don't know, I feel scared and sad. I'm taking the medicine as the result of trauma due to rape, but I don't want to turn into a complete nut. What am I supposed to do, I feel like I'm going crazy? And I don't know if it's just the medicine or the added stress of discovering the betrayal of a friend on top of everything else. I'm just really scared. Is this normal?

Thanks, I'm finding that expressing my feeling here are helping me. It's like I'm making progress in my life, but then there are minor setbacks as well. Everyone has been really kind to me and helpful here, so hopefully I'll continue to heal.

No, he isn't in prison, yet. Actually I don't know if he'll ever be in prison. I have to wait until Monday before making a report, right now I'm just trying to keep myself together, everything is falling apart. Accepting that this girl isn't really my friend is really hard for me. I don't see how I could have been a bad judge of her character. But maybe I'll never know. You're right she may be having a difficult time accepting her role, maybe she is really hurting, or feels really bad...... I don't know. Everything just seems so shaky right now....I at least want to know who my real friends are.

I was raped by her friend. Short version My friend (the girl) set up a blind-date, a double date. We were going to make a two hour drive to the next state where the date was to take place. She and I decided long before going that we wouldn't stay the night. The guy took us to dinner and then to a club (even though we told him we don't like clubs and weren't interested in going) The guy bought me a drink. I only had a little bit of the drink and the room started spinning around and my vision became fuzzy. I grabbed my friends' arm and told her that the room was spinning around. Later After that I'm in and out of consciousness. *My friend later tells me that he tried to get her to drive home (2hrs. away), and leave me with him, and that he would drop me off in the morning. * I mean that should have been a huge red flag. Why would he want her to leave me 2hrs. away from home, stranded, without a car, with someone who is a complete stranger to me, espicially when I'm out of it. She didn't leave me stranded but allowed him to take me into a room alone with him where he raped me. I couldn't walk without assistance, what did she expect me to do when I needed help? I

There is a girl I believed to be a good friend. She seemed really sweet and really nice. She was an aquaintance for a long time. We started hanging out a little more and it seemed like we were similar in a lot of ways. I began to feel more comfortable hanging around her, I was able to enjoy myself. I have a lot of aquaintances, but consider myself to be a pretty guarded person. I'm very careful when it comes to choosing people to be close friends. I depend on my friends for advice and support. I share things that are important to me, I trust them. I've learned overtime that you've got to be careful who you open up to because there are a lot of cruel and cold-hearted people in the world. This person is friends with the person who violated me. I've spoken with objective people and people who know me very well. They all tell me that this person is not my friend. I guess I've come to accept that now. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I have grown to care for this person I considered to be my friend. Was this person ever my friend? Is my judgement clouded? I want to believe she isn't the person everyone is saying she is. When you discover a friend isn't really a friend, how do you deal with the person? She may wonder why things aren't the way they used to be? What if she starts to feel sad. I don't like to be the cause others' sadness. I've never asked any person to chose between me or another friend. I always felt that there is no need to choose. But this situation is so serious. If she is stands by her other friend, then she isn't loyal to me.

I feel more strong today. I still feel bad, but strong...this is definitely a new feeling. I can understand the feelings of pain and shock Those are completely horrible feelings. It feels like there is something in my chest generating those feelings. Then my head starts to bother me and it spreads through my body. For the first time ever, I feel like I can identify with the words "rape survivor". I have no idea how I'll be feeling a couple of hours from now, or a day from now.......but right now, I feel that way. My friend never called me back yesterday, so I've come to my own conclusion. I really feel that she is still his friend. It's like, from the beginning she never seemed shocked by what the rapist did. It's like she wasn't surprised or upset by what he did do me. It's like she had pity on me, like it was some kind of misunderstanding. And I haven't told her that he admitted to doing it. I don't think i should have to, she'll probably just tell me, "that's not what he said". But I am getting stronger. I told another friend that I was raped yesterday. It's like, I feel like I have to do it. It's hard to get it out. It's like everything I say about the rape....it's so hard to get it out. But I keep pushing, and pushing it out of me, because I feel like it's the only way I can fight. And it soooo hard. But I'd rather expose my vunerability than feel like that rapist is smothering the life out of me. And these days, that's how I feel. I tried keeping it a secret, I tried forgetting, but this is the only thing that seems to be working. I feel like I'm taking steps, they are such little steps, but they are steps. And maybe one day, I'll be able to look that person dead in their eyes, and tell them that they couldn't take the best of me. I know that day will come, even it's years from now, and I have to hop on a plane and track him down myself. I'm going to do it. He's not going to step all over me and walk away, I won't let it happen. I'm sorry. I guess I just had to get that off of my chest. A memory is what I would like the rape to be, a complete memory, then it will be finished with. But you know, part of me wants it to become more real. I feel like I've been assulted by a ghost. Maybe that's why I don't feel enraged. I don't feel like my attacker is real. I can't wait for the shock to wear off. I just want to feel strong again. And I am feeling that way. Can you believe, I woke up this morning feeling less concerned with how others may view me? Maybe that's why I feel like a survivor. Because I shouldn't really care what others think. And for the first time ever, I realize that it doesn't mean I can't still be caring, or considerate, or thoughtful. It just means that I won't let the negativity of others define who I am. I never realized this before.....so the day is turning out better than I expected. Life hurts sometimes. I don't know. It's weird how you can feel empowered and then feel like you're about to fall apart at the same tme. But I can't be ashamed anymore. I'm a mess, and I'm tired of hiding it. I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. I'm just me. And somehow that has to be okay.

Hey Guys! I'm sorry i know there is only so much people can do. I'm just desperate, so desperate. i feel that if I let it all out then it will keep me from exploding, or just giving in. I appreciate your support! Just letting me know that there are people who care means the world to me! Thanks for your patience. I know that sometimes it probably seems like I'm complaining about the same stuff over and over again. I just need an outlet.

Does he have a significant other? Maybe you could find out through small talk. If he does then you'll know that he's unavailable. In my experience, if a guy is interested, you won't have to wonder for long, he'll approach you.

You should stay away from him for now, espicially if you are starting to develop feelings for him again. It's better to be on the safe side. You're vunerable and he's not trust-worthy, that's a really bad combination.

He has lied to you twice, you have a right to be concerned.

You seem like a very sweet girl. PLEASE stay away from this man. I seriously doubt he has anything good to offer you. He may seem nice, but there are a lot of mean people that are really good at playing nice. You have so many other experiences you'll have to face in life. Please don't trust this person. He has already acknowledged that involvement with you is wrong, that's why he mentioned your father and the authorities. Stay away, for your own safety.

I feel so nauseated. I've thought about the rape so much now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't even think about details, just that it happened. I think about him. And I think about the fact that my friend may choose to believe him over me. Has anybody experienced this before? Is this a common experience among rape victims? Is it something that is experienced often? I'm having a really hard time dealing with this and if feeling nauseous is some sort of common symptom I don't know how I'll make it through this. *Addtional thoughts and feelings: I feel so nauseous. Just sick. And I might be able to cry this time. I feel sick. and sad. Why did this have to happen to me? Why? I feel like I deserve it. For not being smart enough. For being foolish. For not realizing how many evil people there are in this world. For not fighting to protect every essense of my being from anyone who ever walked this earth. I was so stupid. I don't think I ever thought or believed I'd encounter a rapist in my lifetime. I certainly didn't think that I'd be raped. such a horrible, heartless thing. I want to forget. I want to forget so badly....... but that's impossible, because forgetting won't make the feelings go away. I almost lost my life to this person's horrible actions. And I want to call him a bad person! What other type of person would do something so henious!!! He's evil, soooo evil! Does he know? Does he realize what he's done?! He destroyed me! Ya know. I had just overcome an abusive stalker. I had just resolved that. Then this person wants to hit me, hit me hard. And I'm spinning. I'm on anti-desspressants for goodness sakes! where's my future now. It's not fair. It's not right. If I could have pleaded with him. Before it ever happened, if I could have only known his intentions. I would have pleaded with him to not feel that way. Not to hurt me that way, not to hurt anyone that way. Why does he hate women so much. Only hate could motivate someone to do something so heartless. I bet he has graduated. I bet he's having a beautiful life, going on dates, going to clubs, drugging and raping other women....I bet he's laughing about it. So happy. So happy to be untouchable. So happy to feel smart. He's a criminal no one can catch. No one. God can catch him. I know he'll pay, I don't know how, but right now I don't care. Why!? Why!? I want to know why?!!!!! How , I don't understand it! How can someone be so cruel. I had overcome so much, and yet I still hadn't really recovered, ya know. And then this. The biggest blow. Who would have thought? Who would have known that while I was excited and happy about going on a blind date, that this would have happened?! If I only knew! If I only knew. How does a person move on. How do you move on from being so violated. treated like absolute garbage. No one is suppose to do that to you. The only people who are suppose to be there, are people you allow, people you love, people who care. Not a stranger, not an evil stranger. just because they can!!!! Just because they can. I'm tired and scared. Always wondering who will believe me? Who will care? Why should they? I'm just me. am I equiped to fight? How do I fight? When there are so many rules. He can be so calm and collected. He's planned out everything, his emotions are in place, he has an answer for everything. what about me? I have no game plan. My emotions are still spiraling out of control. How am I suppose to be cool and collected. How am I supposed protect myself? How can I protect myself from someone so manipulative? He's still out there, and he's having a perfect life, stealing joy and happiness from poor unsuspecting women. Forget the sex part, what about everything else. What about everything else I lost? He stole so much. How can I blame him? I mean I do blame him, because he raped me. But why wasn't I smarter than him? Why did I trust him enough to buy my drink? How could he play me like that?! I want a rematch, I want a do-over. I want things to rewind. I want to tell him that I know his intentions. I want to tell him the I know he's a rapist, before he even tries to buy my drink. I want to look him in the eye and tell him that I know the type of person he is. But what if he doesn't care? Then what? I don't know. But do I even want to understand evil? Maybe I shouldn't. I can't be such a wreck anymore. Something has to happen. He almost won. If I would have killed myself, he would have won. But he didn't win. He didn't win. He's not worth my life. He's not worth anyone's life. He should be put in prison where he belongs. and maybe someone will make him understand the gravity of his actions. Someone will make him understand how it feels to be violated. And what do I do now? I don't even have a picture that I can throw darts at, LOL. i can't even call him and yell at him. Maybe I could, but I don't want to. He shouldn't know that I'm angry or that I'm going to come after him by filing a police report. I want him surprised, I want him caught off guard, just like I was. I certainly didn't know I would be raped. And the As***** sat accross from me at dinner....with that arrogant look on his face, and that phony smile. Why can't I get angry?! I'm not nearly as angry as I should be. I'm just here. Just here. I'm doing my best to float through life. Like I'm being carried on a cloud. Trying to float along on any positive energy I can muster. I don't want to be sentenced to a life of misery. I want to be happy too. I want to be carefree too. I wish I could get him. Slap him! Tell him is act won't work on me. He's not stronger than me. I would tell him that he's the weak one, and he should be ashamed that he has to drug women and rape them to get an sense of self-worth. I'd tell him he's pathetic! I'm going to try to get myself back, that's the best revenge. If he ever sees me again, he better not approach me. He better not. I won't tolerate it. He deserves something I can't give him. He deserves to feel the pain I feel, no actually he deserves to feel worse. And if he felt that kind of pain, I don't think he'd survive it........I almost didn't. He deserves to be cursed. He deserves to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and see himself for the monster that he really is. I'm tired of trying to be understanding or fairly calm. I'm angry. I want him to pay............. but more than that I want my sense of self back. If I could just think of a way. you know, I really need myself these days. I'm at a huge transition period in my life. He didn't need to f*** that up for me, as*****. And who can I yell at? No one. Because the person who deserves to be yelled at is probably out somewhere scouting his next victim, no doubt something he enjoys. My strength is building, my memory is returning. By the time I regain my strength he's going to wish he never met me! I just, I can't even cry. My therapist asked me how I could smile at her while telling her I was raped. Sad huh? The same smile that's always on my face, refuses to go away even when I'm speaking about something as horrible as rape. A smile is all that holds my world together now. That smile that is always there. Dependable. My smile is dependable. And i need that more than anybody else these days. Why didn't my friend help me? Something I'll always wonder. I don't blame her, I just want to know why. Why. It's not right.

You should get therapy if at all possible. You can't do it alone. you don't want things to get too overwhelming because then it gets really dangerous! You don't want to have a breakdown or become so depressed you are suicidal. Please get help, nothing else matters. If you don't have your mental health, what else do you have? If you're not together mentally you can fall apart physically, it's much more serious than a lot of people realize. Do you have family around? Can your parents keep your children for you? Maybe you just need a couple of weeks away. To get therapy, help and rest for yourself. When it comes to finances, that can be extremely hard. However, I would use my credit card to help myself. If I'm going to be in debt for the moment I'd use what I have to my advantage. Well what I guess I'm trying to say is, don't let money prevent you from getting the help you need, or taking care of yourself. Use all of the resources you can get.

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry!!! It's horrible being threated especially by someone who is trained in combat. I think you should get a weapon; not a gun, but mace, or a stun-gun.

I think it's good that you know it probably won't work out long-term, you are being honest with yourself. I don't know if it's best to try to be on your own yet. But then again if you know you don't want to be with him anymore, maybe you should let him know. You should at least start paying half of the rent if you are able to do so. Because when you decide to break it off with him, he's going to ask you when you decided to end the relationship. And if you tell him that you realized it wouldn't work out [let's say, a month ago], then he's going to feel used (because he supports you financially). He's going to feel like you kept your true feelings from him, because it was convienent for you. Although that's not be the case, that's how he'll feel. If you tell him that you'd like to be friends do you think he'll let you stay with him? If he isn't abusive or mean, and you like being together, then I think it's a good thing to live together for the meantime. Just try to make things equal, like paying for food, lights, rent, etc. I know you don't want to be with him long term, but do you want a friendship? What kind of relationship do you see yourself having with him, if any? I can definitely understand your dilemma. Is he the type of person you can talk to about anything? Is he understanding?

I've already contacted the rape hotline. It was very helpful. I'm also in therapy, so I have local support.

I can really relate! I really don't like my school or the town where it's located. My boyfriend lives in a town not to far away from where I go to school. I pretty much stay with him now, for the most part anyways. I'm 3,000 miles away from my home town, family, and friends. I said that as soon as I completed school I would leave this state and return home. I'm choosing to stay here though, because I love him, and we're getting married. I can totally relate to the stress of not having friends around. It is really hard. I'm thinking of volunteering in an effort to meet people and make new friends. If my boyfriend was really busy all the time, and made no time for me, I don't know if I'd want to stay either. I mean you're making a huge sacrifice to be near him. He could at least lay off on the games a little bit. If he really wants you to stay around he'll have to make some sacrifices too. A one-sided relationship won't work. If he's not willing to make sacrifices as you are, then maybe the relationship isn't as you believed it to be.

I wish that I could change schools. That's probably be best for me. I can't change schools though. I don't have the money to change schools, and my graduation would be delayed by a whole year. I really wish that wasn't the case. I need to stay away from that place.

Thanks so much everybody!!! I called a rape hotline yesterday and it was helpful! I also took my first anti-depressant pill last night. It was awful. I had the most uncomfortable sleep. I think it might be because of all of the coffee I had before taking the medicine. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I want to forget about the rape, completely. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It's too much. I much rather pretend it never happened. I don't know, that's just how I'm feeling today. I feel so weird. I don't know what to do. I used to be so happy. On the up side, I found out that just because you file a report, it doesn't mean you have to go to court. The D.A. will only take on your case if they think you will win. And once it goes to court, it will be the state against the person. It'll be out of your hands, you'll just be a witness. Interesting, and comforting. It's nicer to think of it being the "state" against the person instead of just "you" against the person. On another good note, I got up to exercise today. That's an improvement. I don't know why, but after yesterday I got the strongest urge to forget everything. I guess I'll see how things go today.

I would say, go for it! Of course do some research first, maybe you could do an internship! I'm from the U.S. so I'm not sure how things are setup where you live. Here is the U.S. I think that firefighters may get a decent living wage. I know that they have to work a lot, they may have to stay away from home for a week, or 2 to 3 days out of the week. Teachers here in the U.S. don't get paid much at all. And teaching is a full-time job. You can't just go home and rest after a days work. You have to bring your work home with you. You'll have to grade papers, and create lesson plans, it's like an all-day job. Over-worked and under-paid. I wouldn't suggest becoming a teacher unless you have a passion for it. Passion and a lot of patience. But I would suggest you definitely look into being a fireman.