I just need to get things off my chest and try to get it all straightened up in my head. I've been with my boyfriend for four years, but neither of us ever intended it to be a long term thing. I'm 25 and he's 42, but that wasn't a problem while it was a brief fling. We did talk about marriage and children when we realised things were becoming serious (he is certain he never wants either), and at the time I didn't really want those things either. But now I feel that I might want children at some point in the future and maybe it would be better not to get to that point and be in a relationship where there's no chance of it hapenning.
I moved to a new city two years ago because of his change in job. I knew back then that I was committing to this being a slightly longer-term relationship than expected, but I believed that somehow it would all work out because we loved each other and enjoyed being together.
But even then, being with him wasn't great for my self-esteem. When he is stressed about work or anything else, he takes it out on me and ignores me or gets snappy, which makes me feel worthless. A lot of that is to do with my self-esteem issues rather than what he does (he doesn't mistreat me in any way, or make comments about me).
Anyway, I need to move accross town to be nearer to where I am now working, and it seems that this would be a 'convenient' time to leave him. But it seems so scary, leaping into the unknown. I've never really been single - before him, I was engaged to someone I'd met at sixth form and there wasn't much gap between the two relationships (the last one had a kind of drawn out ending, and this one had a sort of vague beginning).
I know now that this relationship isn't going to work out long-term. But I still love him, and things aren't bad enough to make leaving him urgent. But they're not really good enough to make a good case for staying with him.
And I'm scared of all the practical issues too. I don't drive (failed first driving test today), which makes looking at houses difficult. I can't afford to pay much in rent (boyfriend has been great over the last few years at supporting me financially through a difficult phase in my career - I haven't really paid rent since we moved here). I don't own enough stuff to make it worthwhile hiring a removal van, but don't have any friends who could help out with the move. I haven't really met anyone since we moved two years ago.
I'm feeling really uncertain about everything. I know I need to leave him at some point, but I'll miss him and I don't want to be on my own. I know, deep down, that being on my own might enable me to sort out my self-esteem problems and find out "who I am", but I'm scared of being alone. And most of the time he is a great boyfriend and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave him. Most of the time he makes me feel safe and cared for. He used to tell me all the time that he loves me, but in the last few months he's hardly said it at all. I guess that alone indicates that something has changed.
How do I get over this fear of making the wrong decision?
