Gracelove

Oh, I'm sorry nottoogreen. I was congratulating the girl on that post. Her rapist had been arrested and I feel like that's wonderful! I haven't progressed as much as that girl has. My rapist is no where near being caught, or arrested (at least that's how I feel). My biggest step was calling the police at his school and telling them that I had been raped by him. I still have to make an "official" report. I just felt really happy for the girl who posted that her rapist had been arrested. It must feel free-ing on a certain level. I believe it's a big accomplishment on her part. But yes, I will contact a rape center or hotline. I feel like the more help I get the better. I don't know when I'll be able to make an official police report. The details are really difficult for me to think about, let alone verbalize. I'm very confident that I'll be able to speak out against my rapist some day soon though. Right now, everything is a gradual process. There are so many other issues I have to deal with aside from the rape, like completing school this summer, and where I'll be living this fall. I'll be out on my own soon, completely. Time is passing so quickly. I'm starting to remember more details about the rape....you see, I can't remember everything because of blackouts due to whatever drug he put in my drink. The only way I feel like I could complete school and move on with my life to some extent, is if I surpress memories of the rape. I feel like I can get through this part of life if I don't acknowledge or think about what happened. The only thing is......what price will I have to pay for surpressing my thoughts? Will I continue to gain weight? Or will I stop eating and lose a lot of weight? Will I go insane? Will I convince myself that it doesn't matter that I was raped and that the cost of justice is too high? What will I do? I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. So, for the most part I try to think of the small things. Like.......I'm going to start taking my anti-depressants today, or....I'm going to have to start school next week. The good things that I believe will occur in my future seem so far off. I can be a person who deals in extremes at times. When I'm depressed I'll either eat until I'm nauseated or I won't eat anything and lose 30lbs. in a month or two. I'll either think about the rape and the rapist, or I'll completely act like it never occurred. Only......now I'm scared to act like the rape didn't occur. After my suicide attempt and talking to the rapist a day after the attempt.....I pretty much put it out of my memory. I only thought about the rape 2 times after and immediately pushed it out of my mind. But then I started having weird emotions. I would get angry, or feel helpless, or just plain unhappy. Now...I'm in counseling. And I really want to accept the truth. I was raped, and no matter how scary or unpleasant it is...it happened. And yes it makes me sad, very sad. I feel helpless at times. I feel violated. At times I can't even make myself feel mad about what took place, and at other times I can't even make myself cry. It's like it has become my existence. I can't even fit in my clothes anymore. I can't hide in a hole. I can't become invisible. I'll have to go back to school. I'll have to see people I know. And those people will comment. They will comment on how I've gained weight, the fact that I didn't graduate this May, and who knows what else. A lot of them will actually say these things to my face. And then what if the abusive-stalker is still at my school. He used to make fun of me being fat when I was much smaller than I am now. I feel stuck. So very stuck. I'm very fortunate though. I have a boyfriend who really loves me, and who is very supportive. If not for him then I'd be in big trouble. I'm glad I have one happy thing to hold on to. It makes life tolerable. And again I appreciate your support. Feedback really helps. And sometimes you just need a new perspective on things. And someone to talk to.

I don't know, maybe you need to leave her alone for a little while. You just got out of a bad relationship and you probably need some "alone time". Jumping out of a serious relationship into a new one isn't exactly a good thing, espicially if the person you want a new relationship with isn't available. It's bound to get messy. You don't want to be the "other man". If she isn't ready to break up with her boyfriend, and you really want to be with her.....then you'll have to wait until she is able to break up with him. If you have romantic conversations with her while she's involved with someone else, you'll be the one to get hurt. It sounds like you have good intentions. It sounds like you genuinely want to help her, which is why (I'm guessing), you told her she should stay with her boyfriend to begin with. If you believe that her boyfriend is not a good person, it's fine for you to express that.....as a friend. I don't think it's good to build up hopes of being in a relationship with this girl so soon. I'm sure you still have things to work out regarding your 2-year relationship and engagement. Asking someone to spend the rest of their life with you is no small thing. I'm sure you were sincere, and she appearently accepted. Then she changed her mind. That's a lot for a person to deal with, especially when it only happened 3 months ago. If you find that you are getting too attached to her, maybe you should refrain from contacting her for a little while, at least not so frequently.

Thank you guys for all of the information. I haven't contacted a rape center or hotline, thanks for bringing that to my attention, I'll definitely do that. I have been tested for STDs and HIV. When I went to my gynecologist (spelling?) I asked him to test me for everything. Everything is fine, I'm healthy, so that's a good thing. I didn't know about the scar tissue. I will asked to be checked for that. I'm learning so much from everybody, it makes me feel better....Like I have a chance of exposing the rapist and hopefully helping to keep others safe. Thank you all for your support!!! It really means a lot.

I can definitely relate!!! I was raped not to long ago, in Feb., and I can totally understand how you must feel!!! If it's any encouragement at all, they arrested him!!! Congratulations! I think that's wonderful! Even though he's out on bail, at least he knows that he didn't get away with it! You confronted him by taking action! That's amazing! People will have to think twice about the type of person he is from now on. Because he was arrested on rape charges people will be aware of the type of person he is. The arrest alone is a huge victory in my book. Rape is so hard to deal with. When other people know you've been raped, it can cause you to feel embarrased or ashamed also. I know those feelings so well, they are hard to fight against, that's why it's so great that you did it anyways. Now you have a trial to face. I've been in court once before. It was an abuse and stalking case. It's nerve-wracking I know. Just know that you aren't alone. A thousand thoughts go through my head, so I can relate with you there also. If your therapy didn't help you, maybe you need another therapist. I had to change therapists recently and it has made a world of difference. I can really empathize with you. I felt the same way, really, really lost. It's really hard, but things will get better. Please, please don't give up. You can make it. I was so close to losing my own life to depression and suicide as a result of what happened. I would hate for anyone else to be in that situation. Look at it this way, you have a new friend. Things will work out. I'm not pretending to know exactly how rape-recovery works. I'm still working through it myself. I do know however that if I would have given up I would have missed out on nice things, good things, things that make me smile. I have a hard time focusing because of all the thoughts constantly going through my head. I can't advise you on whether or not to take anti-depressants or not. I'll begin taking some today so in time I can let you know if that helps. I can relate with so much of what you're going through...I have had trouble sleeping as well. I can relate to what you're feeling, and I'm still dealing with a lot of the things you're going through. Unfortunately I can't advice you on those things because I'm trying to work through them as well. If I can think of anything else that may be of assistance I'll be more than glad to share them with you. You should be so proud of yourself. Just simply being able to inform others of who he is and what he has done is amazing, it's also a really hard thing. It's wonderful you went to report it right away. I really wish that I would have gone to the doctor immediately and gotten a rape test. I think this is going to work out really well for you. You've already taken huge steps towards your recovery. Whether you realize it or not you've done amazing things.

Hey There Everybody!!! Thanks for all of your messages! They help me feel better! Good news!!! I called the police yesterday! Well, I called the sex crimes unit in the state where I was raped first. Ahh!!! I'm excited! N-Eways..... ...they told me that I had to call the campus police at the college, because I was raped on a college campus. It was unbelievable!!! I was so scared and nervous! The lady who I spoke with was so nice! I couldn't believe it, she sounded like she was concerned and wanted to help. The school is prestigious, and that's really intimidating. I'm not a person who is comfortable with a lot of attention. I mean I can handle it, but I don't want my name to be associated with "scandal". I don't know how these political things work. I don't know what to do. I gave her my name, and the name of the rapist only because she promised to keep it confidential. I can't lie, I'm scared, and I'm ashamed. I would love to forgive and forget, because I wouldn't have to think about it. Would I quickly forgive and forget if I knew I was the only person he had ever violated? Or if he would never violate another person? I don't know. I'm remembering new things about the rape as I think about it. I don't spend much time thinking about the details because thinking about them makes me unhappy. It's not pleasant to think about. It feel awful to be taken advantage of, and in such a personal manner. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would have never slept with him. Maybe he knew that, and decided he was going to take what he wanted anyways. It's also really scary not knowing what that person was thinking. I do have a certain fear of the unknown. Maybe if I knew why he did it or, I don't know....... I guess I'm just looking for something to make me feel better. It's so hard to deal with. And not having all of my memory doesn't help things. What if it goes to court? I have to be strong enough to stand a trial. I don't want him to have the opportunity to rip me to shreds again. He's involved in the newspaper at his school. I'm sure he has access to good lawyers. What if I can't get lawyers as good as his? I guess the thing that makes me want to speak out is the fact that I believe he'll hurt others. And I want him to feel nervous. I want him to feel ashamed of what he did. I mean, I don't think he'll ever stop if he doesn't feel any pain from it. You know? What's to keep him from stopping? It makes him feel good. If he has a bad feeling associated with the rape, then maybe he'll think twice. There is something else that really confuses me.... ...he made it seem, that he wanted a relationship. You know? Why? Why rape someone, and then try to get them to believe that you don't want to "leave them hanging". I just feel confused at times. I know that did all those things because he wanted to appear like a decent person. It seems like he's an expert or something. Maybe he knows who my father is. My father knows a lot of people, especially at his school. Maybe he realized that he messed with the wrong person. You know, when you're raped it's like everything is turned upside down, especially if you're drugged. Everything is so confusing. But I know what happened to me. I know it. And I can't pretend like it didn't happen. I can't let some manipulative, rapist believe that he can weasel his way out of responsibility. Logically, I can see everything he did, all his little lies and manipulation. I can see his planning. But emotionally, I'm overwhelmed. I was with one of my closest friends. I always felt safe with my friends. My friends have always looked out for me, just like I look out for them. And even with my friend there, I was unsafe. I thought I would be safe, I was so sure I would be safe. But then this rapist can come along, and take that away. He was able to manipulate my friend, and she wasn't even drunk! It makes me feel, like he has some sort of super power or something. I don't understand it. From the outside looking in, it's so simple. I mean I can look at all of the facts, and it's so simple. He raped me, and did what he could to keep from getting in trouble for it. Simple, right? But when I try to think my way through everything, and sort out my feelings......it's so hard. Putting all the pieces together is so hard. I don't even know why I feel certain ways. Or why it took me more than a second to realize what he did. After it happened and I was able to wake up, I didn't know what to do? I felt so weird. It was still dark. I was pacing, I turned on the T.v. in the room. I didn't know what to do. the rapist was knocked out, sleeping on the twin bed, there was no room for me. It was so cold, and I was wearing his shirt. I had no memory of how it got there. I knew I didn't put it on. Everything was just so weird, and I couldn't put things together. thanks to writing in a journal I can remember some things that I had forgotten about. He was really harsh doing the rape. I mean some of the things he said.... ....it knew what he was doing. He told me that he was sober, and I remember him smiling. And I remember feeling that "this is wrong. He's sober and I can't even feel my arms or legs. And we're alone". At that moment, I think knew. I just wanted whatever was going to happen to happen and be over with. It's the worst feeling in the world. Realizing that something bad is going to happen to you and knowing you can't stop it. Knowing there is no one there to help you, you aren't even able to help yourself. You can't stand up, you can barely see because everything is fuzzy. I mean you can barely make out objects. And the thing is, I know it wasn't just alcohol. I had barely any alcohol. In the past I was able to consume lots of alcohol, straight, hard alcohol. I've never, never had fuzzy vision. Never. And I've always been able to remember everything that happened. So it doesn't make sense that after having hardly any alcohol, the room would be spinning, things would be fuzzy, and I start having blackouts. I even told my friend, but she didn't do anything. When I told her how I was feeling, she even told me that I wasn't drunk. I remember how I felt when she said that. I felt bad. I felt like I was over-reacting. I felt alone. I wanted and needed help and my friend didn't even believe me. I guess I was acting pretty normal. I hate that ya know? It's like it happens all the time. I use my words to express how I'm feeling. But because I'm not running around like my hair is on-fire people don't want to take me seriously. I feel invisible. I've felt this way for a long time. People only see me as happy, or cheerful. It's like they don't think I'm human. And I try to be so sincere. Especially with my friends. It just hurts. If my friend doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm scared, and the room is spinning around.... What makes me think the a judge will? I mean, because I wasn't falling all over the place, she didn't believe me. I was holding onto her arm and staying against the wall so that I wouldn't fall, what did she expect for me to be doing? Have you ever just felt like you couldn't do anything right? But what more could I have done than tell her? What else could I have done? And it's not her fault. She didn't know her friend was a rapist. But she told me that she knew we should have left. and it just makes me want to cry. Her inner voice was urging her to take me, and to leave. My inner voice couldn't get through to me, because I had no control. Whatever he put in my drink had already taken control. And I can visualize it. I can see myself being taken down the hall to his room. Like a sheep to slaughter. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I mean I couldn't walk down the hall by myself. Did anyone think what I would do if something happened? I couldn't run for help. What did people think I could do? I'm not super-woman. I'm a human like everyone else. But who knew? I think his guy friend knew. He had a guy friend who was with us that night, because it was a double date. And the next morning, after everything had happened, and it was time to go......he kept looking at me. And it was a look of pity. Like he felt sorry for me. And I didn't know why. I didn't know why he was looking at me that way. I couldn't understand it. I just remember saying, that he was nice. Because he didn't treat me like some kind of * * * * *. And now I realize, maybe it's because he knew. Maybe he knew I was raped. I just remember feeling bad, guilty, nervous, confused. I couldn't explain anything even if I wanted to. My friend asked me, if I had slept with the guy that raped me. I was so nervous. I felt so bad. Here I was, the morning after, and I had sex with her friend. The guy, she told me was like her little brother. I felt obligated to tell her. I felt so ashamed of myself, ya know. I felt like he was the victim. And I was the bad friend, who slept with someone who she thought was her little brother. And I couldn't explain it. I couldn't explain why I acted so out of character. And I felt so ashamed because I couldn't remember everything. I mean what kind of person had I turned into. I told her yes. I had images of part of the rape, and rape is sex, so I said yes. and I just sat there, in her car, feeling like my world had been torn apart. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. And what was I suppose to talk about on the way home? All I could think about was what happened. So I tried to rationalize everything. I tried to rationalize the whole way home. I tried so hard. I said, "oh well". I said that I should just look at it as a sexual experience. I tried so hard to make it normal. My friend asked me if I would have slept with him if I hadn't been drunk. And I told her "no". "No" with everything in my being. "No!". and immediately my friend started to feel bad. Really bad. I mean this man had hurt the both of us. She became so angry with him, sooooo angry. And I tried to protect him! can you believe it! I told her it wasn't his fault, because the last thing I wanted to be was a "tramp" who split up two friends. He did this to us, and I was the one who felt like trash. Here I was, at a moment in my life where I should have been happy. I had recently lost a lot of weight, I was able to fit into beautiful clothes, it was my Senior year of college, my makeup and hair were flawless, and for the first time in a long time I felt really beautiful..........and there I was sitting in that car, feeling like I had lost everything, and nothing mattered anymore.

Thank you all so very much for your messages and advice! I truly, truly appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart. I honestly didn't know that I could still report the rape. I didn't find out until two days ago that I could have had a rape test. There was a lot of ripping and I didn't know that they could look at that and tell you'd been raped. I still don't really know what a rape kit consists of, I just know that it's too late for me to get one. I am 22 years old, and this may sound a little weird, but I'm just now gaining independence from my parents. I know that most people I'm around went through that process in their teenage years. I am just now bold enough to stand up to my parents and tell them that I won't do certain things they request of me. To be honest, I don't know if I could go in and report rape on my own. I don't feel like I'm educated enough. The rape took place in another state and I'd feel so alone it being me against this other person. And then what if it goes to court. I'm all for that, but I honestly don't feel I could handle that right now. I'm just trying to make it from day to day and a trial might rip me apart at this point. I don't want to feel victimized again. I want to be strong enough to fight back. I don't want to be embarrassed and destroyed by whatever may take place. I want to be strong enough first. Maybe I'll make a few phone calls, maybe I'll even call the police department in that state and ask questions. I did report the incident to my gynecologist (spelling?) when I went in to be tested as a result of the rape, so I'm sure he has it written down somewhere. I didn't go to the doctor right after it happened. I slept all the next day due to the drugs and I was still really confused and in denial. I just appreciate all of the advice. I am growing stronger however. I've told two friends who the rapist is. I really do want to inform people to stay away from him. I am trying my hardest, and doing the best that I can right now. I'm confident that I'll be able to confront him in the future.

I haven't been here in a long time. I was drugged and raped while on a double date with a friend. The guy who raped me was her friend. I'm having a really, really, hard time dealing with it. It happened in February. I would have probably continued to go around not thinking about it...however now, I just started seeing a therapist. I had no idea it was so hard. I'd rather pretend it didn't happen at times, as opposed to deal with it. The person was/is cruel. I'm pretty positive I wasn't the first girl, and I'm sure I won't be the last. It's horrible. He went goes to a well-known and well-respected university. He's involved in a lot of organizations, and it's just a guise. Something he can hide behind, while searching for victims. I can't stand him. How could you do this to a person. This incident occurred in February. I'm just now starting to acknowledge the severity of it all. He even admitted it to me. I know he thinks he has gotten off scott-free. He planned everything! I can't believe someone put that much time and energy in to hurting someone. It was a first date, ya know? I had never seen this person before. My friend was hooking us up on a blind date (a double date). I'm sure he got enough information out of her to know that he wanted to attack me. I'm really hurting. I mean, he's so evil! He even admitted to me what he had done. He didn't apologize for it either. There is just so much, I never stopped to think about. I guess because I chose not to think about it. But he really did a lot of planning. I'm putting everything he did together, ya know. Why would someone do such a horrible thing. It's like he not only violated me, but he thought it would be fun to toy with me as well. I mean he sought out people that I knew and told them we had consentual sex. So that if I ever felt strong enough to tell people what he did, I'd have to go against his words. If told the friend that arranged the date, he told her I asked for sex, and that I said I wanted it. But then he called and told me that I told him "No". Immediately after that he told me that he thought he should stop, but it felt too good. Then he tried talk me into seeing him again and trying things in one of his sex books! I was in and out of consciousness during the rape. I believe the only reason I even remember the rape is because it was soooo painful! It's like it shocked me into consciousness. It's so wrong. I know his day will come. I'm just trying to deal with the pain, it's extreme at times. After it happened I became so suicidal. Everything was just so overwhelming. The only way I can describe the feelings as "waves". It was like I'd be half-way decent. Then I could feel the "wave" rising. Like something you dread, you can't stop it, you know it's coming, and you just know you can't survive it. The only reason I didn't kill myself during those moments was because nothing was around. I was in my car in a strange parking lot. I had no alcohol, no pills, nothing. If cyanide would have been in arms length I would have taken it. I had taken too many tylenol a little alcohol before ending up in that parking lot. I know that part of me really wanted to live, which is why I ran to keep myself away from things I knew I could use to harm myself. But being alone, sitting still in that car, in that parking lot, there was no where to run. I even started looking for sleeping pills I usually kept in my car, but they were no more (lucky for me). N-Eways... I almost lost my life because of what this person did. He should be outted for who and what he is. That's all I want. If I thought it would make things better I'd post his name everywhere with "RAPIST" under it. But I don't think I could do that. I really want to, really badly, but it wouldn't be right. Don't get me wrong, I believe he deserves it, I just don't think it's the way to go about it. How does a person face something like this? I want to ignore. It's so much easier that way. It really hurts to think that someone would want to do something like that to you. You know, I think, what is it? Am I just an easy target! It's not fair. It's just not fair to do that to me. I had been a survivor of an abusive relationship. That was the only person I had slept with, and I really regretted that. The only reason I slept with him (my ex) was because I couldn't fight anymore. I had been beaten down so, I couldn't fight anymore. And that's how I lost my virginity. If anyone was protective about their body, it was me. I mean no one was going to have sex with me, that was it. And I expected my friend to protect me. Not let the guy lead me down the hall to a room when I can barely stand. I couldn't walk without support! I mean couldn't somebody have done something? It's like there was no saving me. I was helpless. I was in and out of conscious and couldn't feel my arms or legs. I remember certain things he said to me. I told him I was scared, and nervous. And he said "I know". Who says that. How about you not touch me, how about you not rape me. How about you not treat me like garbage. Like a punching bag... ..how about you not hurt me. I did nothing to him. Nothing at all. I didn't deserve to be raped. And there are sooooo many other things he said and did. My friend told me that he begged her to ditch me! He wanted her to make the two and a half hour drive back to our city, and leave me there with him!!!!! He told her he would "drop me off in the morning"! Can you believe he has the nerve!!! I'm not a dog! I have a say! I mean, how can someone try to decide your future like that. And I had no say. I was out of it. I couldn't say anything! She told me this later. Why! The man wants to decide my future while I'm gone on the drugs he apparently put in my drink! Thank God my friend didn't leave me stranded two and a half hours away from my home, but she did leave me alone with him. She has apologized to me. She told me that she knew we should have gone home. I told her it wasn't her fault. I mean the plan was to never stay overnight anyway. He talked her into spending the night in another city, so he could rape me. It's funny the issue didn't come up when I was lucid. I feel angry. People have offered to beat him up, but I decline. It's not right. I wouldn't want people I love and know getting in trouble for beating up a jerk. However I would like for it to happen. But right now I just want him exposed. Exposed. I want him to feel ashamed the way I feel ashamed. It's not a good feeling, knowing you've been raped. To make matters worse I'm not speaking with my parents right now, because of how they reacted to the news. I'm not attempting to upset or punish them, I just feel really hurt and confused. They acted like I'd told them nothing important. I mean, it's weird and hurtful. You know how someone responds when you are talking to them while they are watching something really interesting on television? Like they really aren't paying attention to you, and their "uh-huh"s have no feeling. That's how it was. My mother was even quick to remind me that I was partially at fault. Because I had a little glass of alcohol. It wasn't enough to get a person buzzed. N-Eways, I'm hurting. And it's hard. If my boyfriend wasn't here for me I don't know what I'd do (I met him after the rape and he has enriched my life beyond measure).

I've loved all of my boyfriends, all 4. When I was with them I was totally in love with them. When I look back, there was one imparticular that I think meant the most to me. We were so compatible, and I was sooooo in love with him, and completely happy.

I've got a date for Valentine's day!!!!!!!!! I am so thrilled! It's about time, LOL. Valentine's day is one of my favorite holidays but I've never felt like I needed a date....until this year!!! It's so great!!! And I'm going out on a date this weekend too!!!!!!! I am just loving the male attention I've been getting lately. It's great!!! I think it's because I'm feeling better about myself, ya know. I'm more comfortable being me. It's great!!! I'm in my 20's and I'm feeling like getting out there, ya know. I just want to be around guys, with guys. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sleep around, I'm just at the point in my life where I love hearing boys telling me I'm pretty. Hey I think every women gets to a place in her life where she loves hearing that. N-Eways, life is great!!!! I think everyone should see the movie, "Something new" by the way, it's spectacular!!! ~~~~~~Peace, love, and happiness to all~~~~~~~~

He should tell his girlfriend that he has something important to tell her and that he is afraid to do so. Then he should tell her the truth, the whole truth...even about the fact that he really wanted to save his virginity for her. And if he is an honest person, and if she is an understanding person, things will be okay, they will work out.

I honestly think you should share the information. Your grandfather may have molested several other children. Sharing the information can help others who may feel, lost, alone, or isolated. Hiding or keeping the secret is just aiding the intended deciet. Share the information, it is something that, unfortunately, your brother was unable to share. Keeping that secret ultimately seems to be what caused of his death. You can reveal the truth. And I do believe the truth frees people.........you don't know who or how many people you may be able to set free. If for no other reason do it in honor of your brothers' memory. If someone harmed me, and I wasn't able to speak for myself....if someone else did it for me, even in death, I'd be grateful.

I understand how you feel. I've been there so many times. Your friends are busy, but do you have any family you can talk to? I wish I knew how to help you. In times where my friends didn't return my calls, I thought, maybe I'm suppose to learn how to be independent of them. I know how it is when you are the one always calling and checking in on your friends, and they don't do the same. You feel like you value the friendship more than they do. Since I'm pretty much in the same boat, all I can tell you is hang in there. Maybe when you call your friends, or leave a message, just tell him/her that you are lonely or bored. Most people can relate to those feelings and are willing to do whatever they can to help out. Maybe you could introduce yourself to one of your neighbors that is around and on school break as well. I'm sure there is someone else around you who is feeling the same way you do.

Thank you so much. Your post is really helpful. I do need to say more positive things to myself and take risks. Just like you took a risk when you smiled at someone on the street. I walk in fear as well. I avoid people because I don't feel like I'm good enough. And I'm so afraid that someone will hurt me. I don't feel like I'll be able to take it. I was in an abusive relationship and my mental state was so fragile. I didn't know things could get that bad and I don't want them to ever get that bad again. There were times when I felt like I was losing my mind. And that is my biggest fear, that I'll return to that state. It has taken me a year so far, in working my way back to "normal", and I'm not there yet. Like you, my past few years have been rough, and filled with people who were angry and enjoyed being hurtful or cruel. And after so long, you become broken. Espicially if you aren't doing what is needed to protect yourself. I think it is an uphill battle. You do have to find peace with in. For me, I think I have to learn how to like myself again. I feel like I'm a good person, however I allowed myself to become influenced by the negativity of others. Now I have no desire to help myself it seems...to do what is best for me (like eating healthy...or just anything). When I look in the mirror, I feel I don't know who is staring back. Just a face I put makeup on...a little outer beauty to cover up for the diminished beauty on the inside. To me, happiness = beauty I don't have much of an opinion about myself. I don't know what to do, what's coming in my life. I think that's another reason I don't want to be around people... I don't want them to pick up on the fact that I feel empty. I feel like I have nothing to give, and if other people figure this out, I think it will make me an easy target. I feel like I can no longer defend or take care of myself. I feel kind of lost.

Hey Everybody!!! How's is going? I hope everything is well. Things have been okay. There are going to be major changes when I return to school. I'll be living on campus, and with a roomate. This is hard because I've isolated myself. I've felt so fragile and afraid of being hurt that I prefer to keep to myself. Now I'm being thrown in "the mix". It seems like everytime I return to school I'm faced with something new and nerve-racking. Moving is such a pain. I think the lesson I'm being forced to learn is, "how to be flexible" & "how to overcome living in fear". Things are much better since the hearing. I feel more relaxed. I feel a sense of closure. The other night I had a dream that my ex broke into my apartment and attempted to execute me with a shotgun. Weird huh? It seemed to come out of nowhere. Although I was watching a movie with shotguns in it that day. For a little while I couldn't go back to sleep, and I must say I was feeling a little nervous because some of my dreams have come true before. However I think that most of the fear I've had regarding my ex has diminished. How is everything going with you?

Sometimes I wonder why life seems so cruel.... I've been sitting around feeling down and worried. I don't feel happy anymore. The last 2yrs. of my life have been pretty much like hell. I've had people in my life who have been really angry people. People who are mean, petty, spiteful, etc. The experiences that I've had with these people have completely clouded my life. My self-esteem has dropped. I'm so afraid of stepping out because I'm afraid I'll fall on my face. Out of all the days there have been over the past 2 yrs. the only things I seem to remember are the bad times with those people. Every other good thing that may have happened in my life, is pretty much forgotten. I know life's experiences are meant to make us stronger, but I feel like they have just sucked away all hope. I feel hopeless. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to. I always try to be optimistic, but I feel like I've been swimming in false peace. I feel stuck. People have many nice things to say about me, and I don't know if that makes things harder. I guess because I don't believe in what they claim to see. I wish I could feel the same way about me that they do. I feel soooo unhappy. I feel stuck. People ask me questions and I feel as if I don't know the answers. Sometimes I just wish they would stop asking. I miss the happy times. I really miss being happy. I used to believe that happiness came from within. However, now, I feel emptiness within, so where is the happiness to come from now?

Hey There All!!! I'm sorry I haven't been on in for what seems like forever. I've been sleeping a lot since arriving home, and stressing over things for which I probably have no control over. I hope all has been well with you guys.... Taffy, I've been meaning to tell you that when you said you, "don't like spitters what-so-ever", I thought that was the most hilarious thing. That sounds like something I would say when I was really angry. Hope, you are definitely right, I won't be dating any more angry people like my ex. Thanks for all of your support guys!!!

She is soooooo much younger than you. It's better for all parties involved if you find someone closer to your own age. Why are you interested in someone that young? I'm sure you don't want to be perceived as being a pedophile.

I can imagine how hard it must be to trust men. I heard something that actually made sense...here it goes " When you don't trust other people, it's not about them. It's that you don't trust your ability to handle whatever situation may occur [through your interactions with them]" After thinking about it, I know it's true for me. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle what will come my way, so I just avoid certain things or people. Reminding myself that I'm "in charge" of me, and that I can do what I want when I want, is definitely empowering. I begin to trust in my ability to remove myself from uncomfortable environments. And that's comforting, because that's one of my fears. N-Eways, I hope I'm not rambling. I'm a little tired. I hope this makes sense, and that I've helped a little.

I know your friends aren't looking for a roomate, but would they mind if you stayed with them for a couple of nights, alternate between homes? Does your mom know what's going on? Maybe you don't have to move out. Maybe you can just leave your stuff in your apartment and stay at your mom's house for a little while. Do you mind sleeping on a couch or the floor? You don't have to "put them out". I'm sure your parents wouldn't mind you staying with them if they knew about the situation you were in.

Thanks so much Taffy. You are always encouraging me. I really appreciate it. It turns out that my "ex" isn't taking classes afterall, he is just working. He can still work on campus. However...a certain person told me to inform them if he starts bothering me. This certain person has the power to get him fired with the snap of their fingers, and will do so if he doesn't leave me alone.

Love from afar. You may love him, but as I heard someone say.."love doesn't hurt........" ...at least not like that. You choose who you love. I loved my ex, but staying with him would have cost me my life. Definitely wasn't worth the price. How can he love you when he is constantly doing things that he knows will hurt you? When you love someone, you want what is best for them. If he really loved you, he would acknowledge his inappropriate behavior and leave you in an effort to spare you from his toxic behavior. Then he might consider coming around again, when his act was together. My motto (since escaping my abusive relationship, is..) the sooner you get out the better. More time (in the relationship) = more damage SAVE YOURSELF.

Hey Everybody!!!!!!!!! I love you guys so much! You are so supportive. So I went to court today...................... ...............and.................. The judge issued a year-long restraining order!!!!!!!!!!! I was soooo happy!!!! My "ex's" lawyer realized she was going to lose when she saw the witnesses, and decided to back down. Espicially since one of my witnesses happens to be a friend of hers. Nobody had to testify. But we had enough evidence to blow her case right out of the water (if we had a chance to present it). N-Eways........ KEEP JOURNALS GUYS!! And letters. I looked through my old journals, and letters. Guess what? In one of his letters he pretty much admitted to stalking me, and abusing me. SILLY, SILLY, BOY. N-eways, write down your feelings, keep a log of everything. It really comes in handy. The judge told my ex to move on, that our relationship was over. He told him if he hears about him bothering me again, he will put him in jail for a year. VICTORY!!! Thanks for the support!!!! My ex was staring at me while we were waiting to enter the courtroom. He stared at me in the courtroom. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to look at him. I knew he would just try to scare me. It has been such a busy day guys. I've been running non-stop. I thought I was going to transfer to another school for this coming semester, but people are encouraging me to stay. I've had people tell me they will spend time helping me through. If I stay I'll probably have to go to counseling twice a week (if they'll let me). It's amazing, but I still feel drained. Some of the people at my school (well the Dean and Department head), are strongly suggesting that I move back on campus for my own safety. The idea of moving again, and not knowing for sure where I'll be staying, leaves me feeling a little unsettled. I also just gave away my pet kitten Emily. I miss her already (I had to give her away because my parents don't want another cat). I love Emily so much, I had to make sure she'd have a loving home. She knew I was leaving her, she was sooooo sad...and so was I. I guess I just haven't had time to relax. Life can be such a roller coaster guys. Espicially when you've been really hurt. Abuse changes peoples lives so drastically. Who knew recovering could be so hard. I feel like crying. I feel like my parents have spent so much money, as a result of my problems, ya know. They got me this apartment off campus, and I'll have to leave before my lease is up. I thought transferring would give me a fresh start, but now I'll be staying here. What if I can't change things? What if I'm still sad? What if I have a breakdown? Who is going to lift me up? There are people around me but I still feel alone. It's nobody's responsibilty to protect me, but me. I'm so scared guys. Things just don't seem to be working. Over the past year and a half, I've been so optimistic, in the beginning. I think that I'll be okay, and I'll be able to focus on school....and it doesn't happen. I'm just in a funk. I don't know how to get out. I'm afraid that everything will fail me, that nothing will work for me, and those thoughts really scare me. I don't want to be depressed, I want to be better. I feel like such a problem child, like I'm wasting everyone's money, hopes, and dreams. I feel like a disappointment...most of all to myself. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't plan this for my life. Who's going to help me? I have highs and lows, but sometimes I wonder if the highs ever existed. And I'm terrified of people knowing that I have these issues. People see me as the girl who is on top of the world. They tell me that I'm "always happy". They don't know how I feel. It's true that I'm full of optimism, however it often fails me. Being optimistic gets me from one moment to the next, it's how I'm surviving right now. Optimisim was just a learned behavior, now it's a survival technique. I lie to myself and tell myself that I'm okay, but I'm not. I don't feel okay. But I can't tell myself that, without immediately reassuring myself that I am. I feel like if I truly acknowledge my feelings that I'll go insane. I feel like I can't handle my feelings right now, if I let them flow they may swallow me whole. N-Eways............ Well I guess I better go now guys. I'll be home tomorrow, so I'll respond to all of your wonderful replies then. Sweet dreams.

Quote "i dont care if we have a connection or all that junk, it's not worth it to be treated like trash." Maybe the "connection" the two of you have are really just similar negative experiences..... Examples -feeling alone or abandoned by others -being homebodies -not having much luck in the dating world Maybe you guys are just able to relate to each other because of certain unpleasant experiences in life. Gotta go, but I'll elaborate more later.

I'm sure you don't want to be with this person. You are probably just hurt and scared. It takes strength, or support from strong people to leave a relationship like the one you are in. And if you are feeling too weak to leave, reach out to someone. I don't know if many people make it out on their own. I know I didn't. Tell someone around you what you are going through. Tell a parent or a friend that is strong enough for you to lean on. Those who really care will work to help you get out. All you need is a little help. Don't give up, k. Nothing is wrong with you. You are just vunerable. I've been there. Just because you are in that state right now, it doesn't mean you aren't a strong person. It just means you need a little time to gather your strength. Once you get away from him you'll find yourself getting stronger. Everything will work out. Ask for help, k. There is no shame in asking for help, espicially if you really need it. The person you are with is an angry, insensitive, abusive, violent, person who gets pleasure out of harming someone he believes to be weaker than him. He is the person with the issues. Don't let his words damage your spirit. Save yourself. You are worth it.

Congratulations hope75!!!! That is sooo wonderful. I know you must feel so good. You have a wonderful, loving companion and are feeling good about school. Thank you for the encouragement. I'm feeling better today. Unfortunately we are going to be sticking with the same lawyer. If we get another lawyer we will have to wait for a new hearing date. My dad and one of my friends will be testifying on my behalf, so that makes me feel more comfortable. One of the security guards may even testify for me if the University allows them to do so. I'll be soooo happy when I am able to have a wonderful boyfriend one day. I don't feel at all close to that time, but I know it will come one day. Thanks for all of your support. Sincerely, Grace