raineysong

So are we to just "check out" when we disagree on anything in our relationships, particularly when we are married already? If he would have kept his head out of the porn and into the relationship where it should have been all along, he wouldn't have opened the door to the "next" step, would he? If an alcoholic hangs around the bars,they are putting himself into a vulnerable situation. People who are obsessed and addicted to porn are doing exactly the same thing. It is no different than a married person going to hang out in the night clubs without their partner. If they do, they simply "increase" the odds of something happening that could be a real threat to the relationship.

I agree with Darkblue, but I think that alcohol can certainly be an influence in the situation. People can become very uninhibited and different when they become intoxicated. Tequilla for example, often causes women to become exhibitionists. (It's why "I" will not do T-shots!) Alcohol has different effects on people, and I think it's safe to say that it can distort one's take on things, especially during the state of intoxication. It's why the guy went to bed with a 10 and woke up with a 2, remember? It's why people are often shocked and embarrassed when they wake up the next day and start finding out from others how they behaved while in a drunken stupor.

I am appreciating all your posts about this. I guess at times, it just "seems" like everyone turns their head and looks the other direction when it comes to this issue. Perhaps my perception is out of whack, but it is based on what I still see and hear today on a regular basis. Not that there aren't at least some changes or shifts, but some of the basic views remain intact in this day and age. I don't believe that "everyone" is included in the group that has not yet evolved, but at least in small town America, the perceptions seem to remain unchanged. Maybe these views have less to do with society in general, but more to do with a lack of education, knowledge, and wisdom?

Any double standards disturb me. Reading a fictional novel is not the same as looking at naked pics with up-close body parts by the way. That is definitely not comparing apples to apples. I simply find it disturbing that men think it's ok to lust after pics of other women when they are supposedly in a relationship that they claim is meaningful to them, and especially if their partner is bothered or feels it is offensive. Likewise, if a man felt that a woman's reading fictional novels is a threat, then she should consider his feelings and cease the activity. As for the subject of double standards in general, I just get tired of it all. If any sex cheats it is wrong, but it is normally more acceptable or even expected of a man than if a woman does the same thing. A man is simply labeled as a "womanizer," but a woman is often labeled as a "homewrecker." If a young guy in college sleeps around, it is almost like a right of passage. If a young woman in college does this, she is perceived as an easy lay. Why is it acceptable for a guy to engage in a variety of sexual episodes which is often viewed as his way of learning about sex or that he's proudly a big stud on campus, but if the girl is doing it for all the same reasons, she receives criticism for it? This is the meat of what truly perplexes me!

What did men do before they had "porn?" Did they lust after a cow's rear end?? I don't care what excuses everyone gives about porn, it is not something that is a requirement for survival, for sex, for arousement, or for leisure. Just because some say it's acceptable for a man or a woman to view porn, doesn't make it so, especially when there is a relationship comittment involved. If a couple makes the united choice to look at porn, that is their business, but when a man views porn and hides it from a partner that feels threatened by it, it is wrong and no different from anything else that might put a wedge between them. Porn, just like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, can easily become an addiction or obsession. It can start out as something one is curious about and evolve into something a lot more serious---an addiction that can cost people their relationships, their families, their jobs, and their reputation. Personally, I think porn is disgusting, demeaning, and something that does not belong in a healthy relationship. If every woman who's partner is secretly looking at porn would hang naked pics of men on her walls, put them on her screensaver, go into chatrooms and start doing what these guys are doing, they would freak out. You think these porn-obsessed men would say, "Oh, it's ok, women "need" this sort of stimulation?" Most men would not only feel immediately threatened by it, they would NOT tolerate it! (I don't care "what" they claim.) Deceit is deceit no matter how you try to justify it. Relationships are about trust, and if one partner is incapable of holding up their end, they shouldn't be surprised when they lose everything that was supposedly most important to them. Anything that one partner allows to become an obsession and is willing to put it before the relationship is considered to be like having an affair. It doesn't have to be sex with someone else.

It never ceases to amaze me that double standards still exist between men and women. Society often even seems to support this ongoing dilemma. If a guy has sex with a lot of women, he's a stud. If a woman has sex with several partners, she's a "ho." If a married man has affairs, it seems to be more acceptable. If a woman cheats, it's just unthinkable. I also hate the attitude that it's acceptable for men to secretly look at porn--as if it is some exclusive right of passage or something they require in order to be "men." When I learned my partner was looking at porn, I went on line, found nude pics of guys, and loaded one up as a background. My partner was shocked and very disturbed about it. He didn't want me looking at naked men. (Imagine that!) I told him, "well, you look at naked women, so what's good for the goose is good for the gander." I explained to him that how he felt about me looking at naked men was exactly how it made me feel when he looked at naked women. He finally got the point, but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't still sneak a peak on occasion. I am so fed up with double standards, and I cannot understand why they continue to be tolerated.

I "do" have this feeling that God intended for me to be the one to find this journal, and I believe too, that everything that happens is for a reason. I like the idea of publishing it, of course, hiding the true identity of my brother. Perhaps it could help others, and that would give this situation--as well as my brothers life and death more meaning. I have long since been out of counseling. I made the personal decision a long time ago to let it all go, because my memory could not recall any details of my molestation. Not that I don't believe it happened, because I do believe something obviously did, based on knowledge I possess. I actually suspected my grandfather long before I knew about what happened to my brother. That's why it was particulary shocking for me to read about it in his journal. It was almost as if it were some sort of affirmation for me. I do think that somewhere down the line, this journal may help someone understand why he led the life he did. I know it has opened my eyes. Maybe it was simply meant for "me?"

My brother died following a freak accident a few years ago. He was only 45 when he died, and most of his life he struggled with drugs and alcohol. He was diagnosed as bi-polar several years prior to his death. At age 34, while driving a semi-truck, he suffered a massive heart attack brought on by drug abuse, and a third of his heart was permanently dead after that. He was extremely intelligent and could express himself eloquently in writing. He was in and out of rehab centers over the years, had 4 kids, divorced a couple of times, and spent his final days living in a pathetic trailer house in our home town. He barely had enough money to buy food, but we all pitched in when it was necessary. When he died, my mom, sister and I went to his home to pack away his things. I came accross a recovery journal he had kept while in his last rehab. I instinctively knew to hide it and keep it to myself when I came accross it. It was much later, when I was alone, that I read it. It told the story about why he started drinking, the progression to drugs, and his ongoing struggle. Within those pages, I also read about why it all began, and it ripped my heart out. My brother wrote that my grandfather had molested him when he was a young boy. The battle inside of my brother was filled with so much pain and confusion. He said that he thought there was something wrong with him, that he was different from everyone else because of what had happened to him. My grandfather was still alive when my brother died. He died a few years later, and after reading what my brother had written in his journal, I never felt the same about the old man. I didn't cry when he finally died. I have this knowledge and I don't quite know what to do with it. I don't think my grandfather's children, including my own mother, would ever believe this happened. My sister does, but when I've tried to bring it up with the others, the walls of denial were immediate. Do I just let it go, because both my brother and grandfather are deceased? It's not like everyone knowing this is going to help either of them, now. Sometimes, it haunts me. I was in therapy about 10 years ago. My counselor felt certain that I had been molested at a very early age, so early that I cannot recall it, but had some odd thoughts and behaviors that were indicative of being molested. It makes me wonder if it could have been my own grandfather? Also...what do I do with my brother's book? Should I give it to one of his adult children or should I simply discard it and let it go? It's like possessing this information is strangely sentimental to me.

I think sex the first time, regardless of who you're with or how long you've known them is going to be a bit awkward. And being a virgin can also make it painful or at the least, uncomfortable. However, you have to begin somewhere. Over time, you learn more about what to do and what both parties involved really like. I agree that it should be with someone you have strong feelings for and that you are doing it for all the right reasons. Do it because it's what "you" want to do and not because of pressure from the guy or from peers...and make sure that "if" you proceed, you use protection! My first time was a real bummer...and the second time...and the third time... I was actually 18 before I started to enjoy it. The older you get, the better it gets.

There is some stuff called "anal ease" in a tube that really helps. (Can get this at the local toy box store) It numbs the external anal area a bit. Best to give yourself a fleet enema well beforehand, also. KY is a must, as well as relaxing as much as possible. Spoon position is good because you can help control it yourself more. I haven't done it a lot, but there was a time I thought it was just impossible for me. Being with the right guy makes a big difference. He has to be very patient as well as cautious if he wants you to enjoy it.

I'm a very verbally expressive kind of person, however, most of my life, I didn't make a lot of noise during sex. To be honest, I didn't even enjoy it all that much---probably because it wasn't all that exciting or stimulating. That all changed when I had sex with the man I am married to today. It isn't unusual now for me to moan loudly, yell out obscenities, and beg for mercy. He works very hard to please me every single time we are intimately engaged, and he has worked just as diligently to help me feel uninhibited mentally and emotionally. The chemistry is there, too. Now, I love having sex...and I don't mind letting go. And according to him, my verbal expressions really turn him on. I believe him, because I can bring him to a climax with a few words if I want to. It works for us and that's how I think you have to look at it. Some people are moaners and some are not. It may or may not have anything to do with satisfaction or pleasure. I don't fake it. If it feels good, I just have to express it! If it doesn't, I may tell him or quiet down a bit. He knows me enough to know that he needs to try something different.

Your fear is understandable under the circumstances, and based on what's been going on in your life. Has this sort of thing happened before? Have you experienced other times in your past that you felt paralyzed by your fears? Whether it's happened before or is the result of recent events in your life, I would suggest seeing your doctor right away, especially if this has been going on for awhile. Tell him/her what's going on and how you are feeling. There are medications that can help us deal with anxiety and panic attacks. You might also want to see a counselor if it's possible. Telling you that you need to buck up and deal with it isn't likely going to solve the issue. Reality is whatever your perception is, and right now, it is filled with fear. Get some help with this, and realize that there is no need to feel embarrassed or weak about it. It happens to people all the time. After I lost my 16 year old son in an auto accident, I literally developed a case of post traumatic stress syndrome. Just the sound of an ambulance siren would send me into a major panic! Time, some counseling, and a good anti-depressant helped a lot. Good luck and let us know how you are coming along with this.

I couldn't agree with you more, Novaseeker. I just want people to understand that adultery has been around since before Christ, and it will continue to be until Christ returns for us. The fact that it's wrong and not excuseable for any reason is evident, and we have beat that poor horse to death, already. What is most important is the fact that not everyone who cheats will continue to do so. An affair does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship, and can in fact, strenghten a relationship, and that people "can" change their behavior if they want to badly enough. Saying that once a cheater always a cheater is like saying once a fat man always a fat man. The fat man can change his diet and lose the weight. The cheater can also be rehabilitated. I only say this because of direct experience. I, nor my husband certainly do not dare to think that we are the only two special ones on this planet capable of doing so. And yes, the cheater's actions are very selfish. And yes, the cheater should be held accountable. I don't have any quams with everyone being accountable for the wrongs they do, period! I believe that the greatest cause of cheating is the fact that couples fail to set appropriate boundaries as individuals and as a couple to start with. It's like I said before, if the conditions are condusive, then the tempation may become too great, especially if that person is starving for affection, attention, approval, or some sort of validation. If the person is already weakened by something in their past or something that's missing in their past, the odds are much greater that they will yield to temptation. It's not fair, however, to say that all cheaters should be placed in the same category of permanent failure. Some may never change and obviously don't want to. Still, there are plenty of others that "are" willing to be accountable for their actions, seek the help they need, make amends, prove themselves over again, and go on to be better, more compassionate, more honest, human beings. That is called taking the road less traveled, perhaps, because it is certainly challenging, but I know people who have accomplished it, including myself and my mate. Yes, we lost some innocence that we can never regain, but what we've learned has more than balanced those scales in the big picture. An affair does not have to be the end of the world, but instead, a new beginning that offers a much more 'realistic' view.

Wouldn't it be grand if we all functioned perfectly? Perfection for us (at least those of us who are saved) will be in our next and final life. I don't feel sorry for cheaters, nor do I feel sorry for myself for doing it when I did. The point I am obviously failing to make is not about right or wrong, because if you examine the human race, we "all" fall short somewhere. We all have some degree of baggage that is derived from childhood, external influences, internal influences, our own personal weaknesses, character flaws and so on. Forget "the cheater" and justifying the decision to cheat and realize that we are all humans and humans tend not to be perfect. I feel that "society" often crucifies cheaters, as if they have comitted the unpardonable sin! The Ten Commandments, nor sin in general, is arranged in "degrees" of bad or worse. The Ten Commandments were not written for us to keep them. They were written to "show" us that we couldn't keep them, and that we needed a better way to cover our sins. Do your homework and you will discover that people who are suffering with low self-esteem are more prone to have affairs..along with those who were molested. Not everyone is blessed enough to be raised in a loving, leave it to Beaver environment where they are properly nurtured or protected through childhood or in an environment that promotes normal or healthy thinking. If that were the case, no one would ever cheat...or lie...or do anything that might remotely hurt themselves or anyone else. That's not the reality we live in. Some people are alcoholics, drug addicts, food addicts, child abusers, molesters, theives, self-righteous, pious, frigid, narrow-minded---it all stems from the fact that we are all flawed, some more than others..and with some, it is just more obvious. King David was a "cheater." God not only forgave him, he restored him and brought him to great power and wealth. It is the same today, which brings me to the 2nd point, "We are all capable of making mistakes, possessing ideas and attitudes which are faulty and dysfunctional, and we are all capable of learning from our mistakes, repenting, and changing our behavior. Hate the behavior of the cheater all you want to, but don't hate the person for being imperfect. Last time I checked, God had not given His thrown over to anyone else. If you have been cheated on, then you have a decison to make. You determine whether or not it's worth giving them a second chance or you move on. If you give them a second chance and they do it again, you have another decision to make. If you get cheated on, you can play the victim role and "choose" to be bitter for the rest of your life or you can realize that human frailty "is" extremely unilateral, and if you expect someone to be perfect, you will find yourself eternally disappointed and angry at someone (which locks you in a perpertual victim role.) If we are willing to offer ourselves as a sacrifice to another human being with the attitude that says "by God, they owe me for what I have given," we shouldn't be shocked when we learn that it doesn't always work to our advantage.

One last comment (and I'll shut up). Sometimes, an affair can actually strengthen and improve a relationship, and although I totally agree that it is the cheater's decision to cheat, the partner does play a significant role in some way or another. They may live in denial and pretend it's not happening, they may lack the ability to be intimate, may be suffocating or clingy, or a hundred other possibilities. Many people resort to cheating in order to keep their marriage intact. Many people do love their spouse and don't want to end their marriage, but resort to external methods to get needs met that are not being met with their spouse. Lastly, there are many extenuating circumstances involved that may complicate leaving their spouse--especially children. A BF/GF situation is obviously a lot less complicated. By the way, my current spouse cheated on me for 3 months 2 years before we got married. Although it was very difficult, I chose to give him a second chance. I don't regret doing so at all. He was extremely remorseful and has more than proved himself to be trustworthy again. I stopped believing that it's a good idea to place everything I am and have into his hands. That's too much pressure on him and it's not good for me. We have both learned a great deal from the situation, and the greatest part is that we are very up-front and honest about our thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and goals. And being aware that we are just as susceptible as anyone else when it comes to the temptation to cheat, serves only to further strengthen our relationship. People can not only change, they can become even better if they choose to learn something from their mistakes. Don't play the 'victim' role and stereotype cheaters if it has happened to you and you are just bitter. Until you can accept your ownership in the situation, you cannot see things objectively enough to be fair.