warped_mind

I miss him still. I contacted him today and he was high as a kite. I am disappointed in myself. I cannot let go. Something in me will not let go. This does not make any sense at all. Part of me (the sane and good part) wants to move on and be sucessful in my life, the other part (where my heart is) wants to be with him and become his other half. I have gone insane. In the last month it has been on and off between us and he has even got in between my mother (my best friend) and I. My mother refused to talk to me on Christmas because of him, my heart is torn. I am hurt in so many ways.

Today, like the idiot I am, I decided to call him. He is sober right now. He insulted my mother the other day when he was high, he also threatened to run her cat over with his expensive car. He told me he was sorry and brushed me off. He hung up in my ear. I have been crying all morning, I am in love with a man that treats me like crap on the ground and it is sick. I feel like life cannot go on without him. I do not know what to do with these feelings; one part of me loves him to death, the other part thinks that the world would be better off without this scuz ball. I hate myself for thinking such things. Today he is angry, he always gets angry when he sobers up. I think he needs to apologize to my mother, but knowing him he will not do that even if I ask him. I am a young college student who used to be on the deans list until I met him. I know it is all in my head, but I used to care about my grades a lot. After we met I stopped doing school work and now I am happy to make a B-. It is stupid how excited I get over a B grade. That would have been disappointing two years ago. I will be finishing next year and I am not ready emotionally to attend grad school or go out there and get a career. I just want to stay home and not think about how nasty the world is. This relationship is really taking away my spirit. It is taking a toll on me. I wish I could just talk to him right now, I need him. I want him so badly that I fantasize about the sex we had before I go to bed. He was so strong and comforting when we had sex. I cannot seem to cut him out of my fantasies and that is another thing that is wrong. I cannot let go of the sex. I went to bed crying last night.

He is a nice guy who holds doors open and speaks politely. He is intelligent, educated and everything I want in a man. I am in college and he already has a career. I want everything he has minus the addictions.](*,)

So I have finally decided to come out here and voice my problem. I guess this is the first step in recovering from an abusive lover. He never hit me or layed his hands on me in an un-invited manner, but it sure feels like he has. The man is a drug addict. When he was high he would hire call girls (a sex addict too) and disrespect me in almost anyway possible. One time I had a prostitute tell me to get a life. LOL, maybe I do need to get a life outside him. I have been stuck in my house all day worrying about him and our stupid relationship. When he is high he calls me names and yells at me. He disrespects my space, time and privacy. I rent an appartment with a roommate, and when he is high he thinks it is acceptable to call around at 5am. He will call over and over if I do not pick up, yet when I want to talk to him he does things like ignore me and hang up the phone in my ears. Part of me wants to ring him up and tell him "You're a real piece of work * * * * * * *. Don't ever call here again, forget you even met me" the other part of me wants to take him back in. Another thing he does when he is high is call my mothers house. He knows how much I love her, yet he bothers my mum and calls me names when she is on the other end. My mum decided to make a police report so now he is mad at me?! For what? His own stupid actions? LOL. It would make me happy to see him arrested, harassing people is the least of the crimes he has commited. Yet I love him and want to stay? This does not make sense. I need help. I need to be the better person.