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Gracelove

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Everything posted by Gracelove

  1. Awww, I'm so sorry for your pain. Have you considered attending a college that has majority African American students? It might help. I can't imagine how hard it must be living with a family that looks nothing like you. I think that maybe you just need to get in touch with your ethnic roots. I completely empathize with you, I really do. I was raised in a diverse environment (well, it's not completely diverse, there aren't many people of my ethnicity around). However my parents made sure I was always surrounded by my own ethnic group. And taught me the beauty of my culture. As a result I've always loved who I am, in regards to my ethnic background. I feel very comfortable being me. Also, my parents always discussed issues such as racism against our culture. So, I grew up expecting certain groups of people to be racist. It's so normal to me. Understanding the ways of the world has made me a better person. It has helped me to love people, you know? So if someone makes a racist comment, it doesn't bother me much at all. And I'm able to still be friends with them, and have relationships with them, because to a certain degree most people are unaware that what they are saying is racist. Okay, for example. I have a friend, who is drop dead gorgeous right. She's fair skined, tall and just out right beautiful. She works in corporate america, and secretly hates being there because of all of the racists comments and behaviors she has to endure. We both grew up in the same city however, I was more sheltered. I was home-schooled, and every child at the school was African-American just like me. We were taught about our own beautiful history. And every month we learned about other cultures (in addition to our own), ate their ethnic foods, etc. So, I have no problem being around people of different ethnicities. And the misunderstandings some people may have bother me at all. And because of that. I'm able to have wonderful relationships with people of all different ethnicities, because I don't really hold it against them you know? And they appreciate it in the long run. And then you come to see beautiful people really are at heart. And when you don't focus on such things, I really think that you won't encounter much of it. You know? Because a lot of people I know seem to have lots of problems when it comes to racism. Like my friend, she is a lighter complexion than I am, and she seems to encounter more issues in regards to racism. I barely have problems with race. I just don't have to deal with it much. I think that when you are an open person, you tend to attract more open people. Like if you appreciate different ethnicities, you tend to attract people who appreciate your ethnicity. And because I've been taught about the ways of the world, my few encounters with racists people don't phase me. Since you were the only "brown" person in your home, I'm guessing your parents didn't feel the need to educate you on the fact that there is racism in the world. I think because they are unaffected by it for the most part, they didn't see it as being necessary for the development of your self-esteem. Anywho, I think that maybe you just need a little encouragement and R&R. Anywho, I think that you should go somewhere, where you are embraced for who you are. Somewhere, where race isn't at all an issue, because everyone looks like you. Some place where you can talk about your feelings and be understood, without fear of judgement. I thinkt that what you really need. Good luck, I hope you feel better. Just remember that you are valuble, and have something beautiful to offer the world. And that your uniqueness will be a blessing to someone else.
  2. That is so sad. I feel really sorry for him and his family. I read through some of these posts and....it's.... I never expect anyone posting in the suicide category to actually commit suicide. I've posted their before, and yes, at the time I was feeling suicidal. But I always assumed people posted under "suicide", people encouraged them and they didn't do it. Or maybe you take some sleeping pills so you can sleep off the anxiety, depression, and pain. Maybe not "sleep it off", but at least get a little break from it. I know sometimes stuff like that doesn't work at all...........I just would have never expected this. I know that I don't personally know Mew, but this is a community you know? We affect each other. I can't believe that one minute a person was here typing something and the next minute they are gone...passed away, never to write again. It's quite sad. I feel really very sorry for him. You can't help but think, what if I would have read his post? Could I have offered some encouragement? It's so very sad...to die all alone like that. I know that life can be unbearable at times, and I honestly believe that sometimes when people commit suicide there is no thought involved. Not to say that, that is the case in this instance. But sometimes I believe suicide is a reaction. When it's like, that I refer to it as "waves". I've experienced that before, when the pain is so great you are blinded by it, and you would reach out and grab anything to make it go away. If you are fortunate, blessed even, you won't have access to anything you can use to harm yourself. It's like a reaction: blinding pain = I'll do anything to make it go away. It's quite an awful experience and I hope I never have to experience that again. I wonder what he might have been feeling in those last moments. Was it the "waves"? Was is just sheer hopelessness? Did he get any treatment? That's the big question! Was he on anti-depressents? Did he get any kind of therapy? Maybe I should see if that has been mentioned. It's so important to get help if you need it. Oh, and the suicide hotline. If anyone is feeling depressed call that hotline. There is something about it. You realize you are on the line with a caring stranger, talking about why you want to kill yourself. Something about it just snaps you back into reality. It's helpful. Anywho, I feel really sorry for Mew, and it's so very sad that he's gone. Who knows why he did it, but he must have been in an awful lot of pain. I guess to anyone else I would say, just keep trying to make it. It's just so very sad to know someone is gone. If you can get your hands on some strong sleeping pills, take the regular amount, lay down, and cry things out. If you need to scream, scream. If you need to break things or curse someone out, do it. Just do everything you can to survive. That has been a lesson that I've had to learn. It's so very sad to know that someone has killed themself. Life really sucks, badly, but there are lots of good and happy moments also. It's hard though because he is gone now, and this is not a problem that can be fixed. He's gone and none of us can help him now, it's so sad. Imagine if he would have seen this? If he would have seen how many people care about his well-being. I'm sure it would have really touched him and he would have seen his value. It really sucks.
  3. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! And I don't usually read poetry.
  4. I'm really sorry for your loss! I know it must be really hard for you. As a rule it's not "good" for a Christian to be in a relationship with someone who isn't. Because "Idealy" christianity is suppose to be large aspect of that persons life. I agree with other posters here, if that was an issue for her then she shouldn't have pursued a relationship with you. It would have been really nice if you guys had a chance to talk about your religions together. I seriously doubt you'll be able to change her mind. *Have you seen the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"?* It's such a cute movie, but even in the case her fiance had to convert before they became married (which wasn't hard in his case because he didn't have a religion). I hope things get better for you, regardless of the situation it's always hard to lose someone you love.
  5. Aww!!! Thanks so much teardrops. You're post means a lot to me. And to hear how you just throw on your sweats and go, that's encouraging. It's good that you try so hard as opposed to giving up. I'm really proud of you. Today I searched the internet for the most part. I guess that's life sometimes. I'm on my way to bed right now, I'm hoping things will be better tomorrow. Sweet dreams!!! Thanks for the support. ~Grace
  6. This depression is getting to be really hard to manage. I feel so down right now. I'm up and down a lot, mood wise. I'm still trying to understand how rape can change your brain. I'm not a psychologist but does anyone know??? I mean, how does rape give you depression? How does that make you need to be on medicine to make it through days. Or, the post traumatic stress disorder....how does rape give you that. If one thing is good, it's that I don't really have any bad thoughts towards the rapist and my ex-friend (his accomplice). But I'm aware that I still have anger and pain living within me. I don't see it being directed towards anyone anymore, so does that mean I'm directing it towards myself. Oh, wait, a thought....my therapist said depression is anger turned inward. But how can medicine help you manage anger??? The worst part is feeling slow. I hate that feeling. It's like everything is slowed down and my mind isn't as sharp as normal. What's that I wonder.......... Anyways, I'm at work and am having such a hard time focusing. But this is the "real world", so I can't say I feel ill and just go home. I feel trapped, any suggestions???
  7. Wow, I can really relate. I haven't had all of your experiences but I can understand what you're going through. I'm so sorry, so very sorry. I know what it's like to feel behind all of your peers, it's hard, painful. Relationships can do that. Before I had similar experiences, I never knew a relationship could do so much harm. People are dangerous, some people are. It'll get better, I honestly believe that. I've had some extremely hard times, but I'm better now than before. Congratulatoins on escaping the relationship. Believe it or not, a lot of people don't make it out alive. Best Wishes
  8. You can tell if a person is decent by the way they treat animals and kids, if they are cruel to either........run for you life. If that dog is your baby then your boyfriend needs to respect your feelings and your pet. If he's going to hurt something that's so close to you then you need to let him go because I'm sure there are more horrible things to come.
  9. Hey There Guys!!! Thanks so much I love the ideas!!!! I really should think about another job! And I really like the part about daydreaming of how I'd like to decorate my apartment. I've done that actually and I really like it!!! I've decided that I'm going to quit my job in a few months. I'm moving out of state and I'm getting my own place!!! And it will be my own apartment because my boyfriend wants to keep his. Wow, that is really exciting. I never looked at it that way before. And as far as graduation goes I must admit, I am pretty afraid of exactly how my parents will retaliate (sp?). I do feel that they are being soo inconsiderate. But they feel that they paid for it, so I should do what they want in regards to school. But I'm really concerned about my emotional well-being. I may just have to not worry about the other people. And then they don't even consider how I feel being around a lot of people. I really don't like it. Ever since my rape I've felt extremely uncomfortable being around a lot of people if I'm not holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't want to do it. I don't think it's good for me. And then my mom wants to throw me a graduation party when I really don't want one and I told her so long ago. My mother can be so mean when she doesn't get her way. Anywho, thanks for the great advice!!! Oh, and I am doing better on the eating thing, now that I'm trying to save money for my own apartment.
  10. Hey There Guys!!!! I was just in the process of writing each of you a note, and it all got erased. Well, here I go again. Thank you guys so very much for all of the thoughts and advice, it really helped me to feel better. Drizown I haven't read the book "Mommie Dearest" but I've seen the movie. It's funny you would mention it because that's what I nick-named my mom a long time ago. My mom is actually a really sweet and caring person, she just doesn't always act that way. Anywho, one time a long time ago my mom was giving me a lot of orders, and I called her "mommie dearest". LOL!!! I guess it's just my way of letting her know that she's doing a bit too much Fnylfrei I'm really sorry that you had to grow up in an abusive home. I feel the same way you do, in regards to staying away from people who make you feel down. I'm hoping to save up enough money to allow me to move out in a few months. Actually, come to think of it, I could spend more time with my friends, that would keep me out of the house. I just hadn't been spending time with friends because I'd been feeling really bad about myself lately. However, I'm hoping that will change; I 'm feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I'll be out of town for a week, so that should make things better for me, I'll have a chance to get away. *** LOL! My mom is soooooo nosey!!! She just came in here and tried to read what I was typing! She's so silly! *** Guest97 Okay, sorry, I'm somewhat distracted right now, Let's see if I can get back on track. I can see where you're coming from. I know my mom really loves me which is why it's so hard to comprehend why she could say things that are so hurtful. I do my best to ignore those comments. I don't know, does she not realize what she's saying? Anywho, hopefully with time I'll do better with not letting those comments affect me, it's just that I'm so sensitive these days. Alice1987 Thanks so much for your continued support, it really means a lot. I know logically that the rape wasn't my fault. My mom is into this whole, you shape your world thing, and if something happens it's not God's fault it's ultimately yours. It's hard, because I've never blamed God for what happened to me, and I know it's not my fault.........so the rapist is to blame. However my mom never ever wants to blame the rapist. Appearantly, it's not about him, it's about me. And it's like everytime she gets an opportunity she likes to imply that it's my fault, and she doesn't realize how much that hurts, and that that is the last thing I need to hear, espicially from my mother. I mean, how is being set-up by my friend, my fault? And she trivializes the fact that I've been raped all of the time. She was ready for me to move on from day one. Her point of view is: you're not dead, so what's the problem. Move on, it's all in your head. But she doesn't realize that it isn't that easy. For the first 2 months after the rape I wouldn't let myself think about the fact that it happened. And then I lost it. You can only ignore things for so long before the jump out and get you. Anywho, I've tried so many ways to get her to understand how I'm feeling, but she just doesn't get it. Lostlove Maybe you're right. Maybe she does blame herself. So maybe she feels that ignoring it or trivializing it will make everyone feel better, espicially her. I mean, the thing that hurts most is that I've been punished by my parents as a result of being raped. I mean, I required more after the rape. More money (therapy), etc. And so they took things away from me, things they promised I could have. Originally my mother promised (over the course of many, many years) that she would pay for me to go to graduate school. Now........because I had to stay in school a little longer, she isn't paying for graduate school anymore. And my parents treat me like I'm an inconvience. It's almost like they resent me. They resent me because I'm not a child, which means that they can't make me do whatever they'd like. And they used to resent me because I wasn't like the other 23 year old, I wasn't supporting myself. But I think they resent me less now, because I have a job and am able to pay for most of the things that I need, except therapy. I felt horrible because being raped came with a lot of emotional problems, etc. that I wasn't able to handle. so for a little while i couldn't work, and I couldn't do my school work. I felt like they were constantly rubbing that in my face, when I was already aware of where I was having difficulty. It wasn't easy for me either. I mean, it's like there mad at me for being raped. They never bring up the rapist, it's always me, and the things that I'm not doing well enough. And I just try to make them see that I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. And then it's like they get upset with me because I'm sad at times. And I'm going to be sad. My life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to handle things. Although I've grown a lot, there are still things that happened to me because of the rape, and I don't know how to deal with everything yet. And it's only when I break down in tears, that they back off. They don't know how much stress I'm under. And they want to critize me because of my weight. I've put on at least 60lbs. since the rape. I just........I don't know. Eating food is a normal thing and it keeps my mind pre-occpupied. And for at least 6 months after the rape I had a major fear of being small. I don't know, I guess I thought, in my mind that being small played a role in my being raped. SoI kept eating and eating because it made me feel safe. And I did my best to make myself look unattractive so that men wouldn't stare. Anywho, now I'm getting a little less fearful. But me becoming less fearful doesn't do anything to the weight I purposefully put on when I was terrified of being small. So I just want them to understand that yes, I'm interested in losing a little weight now, but don't harp on me for not losing 40lbs in a month. I don't know. I wish they'd just stop harping on me for a little while and give me some room to breath, because I already feel like I'm suffocating. @ -)-(--- Thanks for your help ---)-(-@ It's so nice to be able to sit here on a rainy Saturday and participate in Enotalone. When I was living on my own I was able to read through all of the posts. It was so much fun being able to read through everyone's stories and think of things to say that might be able to help someone in need. It r eminds me of how I was able to find joy in the little things. I realize how much my life has changed since I lost my place (tornado), and had to move back in with my parents. I really miss those days.
  11. I feel so resentful towards my mother. Since my sexual assult she has said some of the most hurtful and damaging things. She's implied on numerous occasions that the rape was my fault although she denies that she's done so and seems unaware of when she's doing it. When did my mother become so hurtful? Or was she always that way? It seems like, when you're a child (or far beyond in my case) you think of your mother as all-knowing, right in everyway. My mother and I have been in a control struggle for the past 3 years, and it surprises me how ruthless she can become when she feels she is losing the battle. I've allowed her to be in control of my life for so long because I honestly didn't know any better. Now that I want to be my own person I'm met with constant negativity and spite. I have so much I'm attempting to deal with and work through, how am I suppose to work through this as well? Has anyone had any similar experiences? Will you please share with me how you were able to cope with all of the hurtful remarks and slicing commets??? @ -)---(--Thanks --)---(- @ ~Grace
  12. I'm soooo depressed. I eat constantly. I go to the vending machine constantly at work, like a robot. I eat absent-mindedly. It's not even about the food or weight anymore. I'm just really unhappy. I frequently have to blink back tears while sitting at my computer at work. My boyfriend may be away for a year and a half. He doesn't want me to come and live where he is. And he keeps saying that he'll come up here "soon". But he period of time that he'll be away keeps increasing. I feel so rejected. I'm just not where I want to be at all. And I don't know where to go or what to do. I just feel like crying. I have nothing else I can say to him. Everything is out of my control. I wish my job was more physically demanding. I could move around a lot and keep my mind occupied. It seems the only way to distract myself at work is by taking a walk to the vending machine. Work is okay when I'm kept busy. But half of the time there isn't work to do, yet I have to act like I'm busy. So I day dream, about my less than promising future. About how I would like to decorate the apartment I'll have with my boyfriend...although it looks unlikely. Or how maybe one day I'll enjoy going to work because I'll actually have a happy life outside of work to balance it. Or I think about how I have to go to my school to work out papers associated with graduation. And I hate that place to much. And I don't want anyone to see me because I look so horrible compared to the way I did before. And I'm embarrased, and I feel broken, and I half told myself that I wouldn't have to go through this anytime soon. Orginally I didn't care about the date on my diploma, I just wanted to be finished with classes. I wanted to receive my diploma in the mail, that was going to be my gift to myself. But I've allowed my parents to guilt me into going back to the place I hate most, sitting through a long and boring ceremony next to people I don't know, and plastering a fake smile on my face while they enjoy themselves at my expense once more. And if it weren't bad enough that I had to go back to graduate, now I have to make an extra trip to apply for graduation. My school is all about appearances. On the website it has a link where you can apply for graduation......more false promises. It is totally bogus and has dates for 2001 and 2010!!!! I called the registrars office and guess what she told me? "We don't do applications for graduation online". Ya think?! Then why to you have that option 'availble' online when you know full-well it's B.S.? I'll tell you why, because they want to decieve prospective students and their parents. This is not and isolated occurrence, it's quite ordinary. Anywho, it's too much. How much am I suppose to take, deal with? What am I suppose to do? Suggestions anyone?
  13. It wasn't just a one time mistake....the kissing may have been a "one time mistake", but the lying to him wasn't. How is he ever suppose to trust you again? If you were so sorry, then why did you lie to him? He came to you looking for honesty, and you betrayed him again. Cheating can be forgiven, but it's hard to trust a person how lies to you in your face, and leaves you feeling like an idiot for asking. I sugguest you go to him and tell him the truth, tell him that you're sorry for betraying him not once, but many times.
  14. Whew!!! It's be such a long day, and I'm actually glad to be home, can you believe it?! Work is soooooooo boring! There used to be enough work to keep me busy, but not anymore. Early I was so frustrated because I felt I had come to the end of my rope when it comes to living at home with my mom. But then my boyfriend called and made me laugh the entire time we were on the phone, that made me feel a lot better. My mom puts sooooo much pressure on me to lose weight, I wish she'd just lay off sometimes. Sometimes I really don't like her. I guess it's just that, when a person does hurtful things for so long, you begin to dislike being around them. I'm at a place where I'm working hard to protect myself because I seem so sensitive when it comes to many things. It's just apart of who I am right now. I don't like feeling attacked, when I feel uneasy I can't truly relax or unwind. I've been unable to relax for way too long now. I'm starting to become resentful, and I don't want to be that way. I feel like the relationship I have with my mother is on the verge of becoming a disaster. This isn't the first time I've felt this way, but I've had space, in the past. How are things suppose to get better when we're living under the same roof? I'm waiting until I return from seeing my boyfriend before working a second job. Waiting is the hardest thing to do these days. I know getting my own place would help me heal big time. I've always wanted to be able to support myself. I'll be a true adult then. But then I think of my kitten. If I'm working two jobs she'll be all alone. My parents won't babysit her because she craps all over the place, LOL!!! Before I had her I thought all cats were born potty trained. Guess not. Anywho, I don't know. I'm hoping that seeing my boyfriend will help relax me. And if I'm working to jobs maybe I won't be home long enough for my parents (mostly my mom) to annoy me. Well, I'm off, I'll probably write more later. Thanks for listening!!! ~Grace
  15. I think it would be hard to find a man who'd want to marry you if you wouldn't have sex with him.....unless of course you had no problem with him sleeping with other women.
  16. I'm through. You know, maybe I'm the one with the problem. I'm upset with my boyfriend because he doesn't seem to care that our relationship is long-distance!!! I'm waiting around for my boyfriend lately. Putting my whole life on hold planning for our future. I mean, who even knows what the future holds. I think I should let go. I don't need to plan for our future anymore. We're not even married. I just need to plan for my future. When he technically proposes, moves out here, and puts that ring on my finger, then, then I can start planning for two. I think that's what has been depressing me. Because who knows what can happen in a year. And now he's telling me it may be more than a year before he comes out here. I mean really, how does he thinks that makes me feel? He keeps pushing things back, I can't rely on that. I need to stop relying on other people. I think it might be challenging considering that I'm so used to doing it. I mean, I can't really be upset with him. He has his own dreams and ambitions. I have my own dreams and ambitions as well. However I've been holding out. Putting our relationship first. I shouldn't be doing that. I should put me first, just as he's putting himself first. I'm going to have fun before I get married. He wants the 3 bedroom/3bathroom apartment, but I like the 2 bedroom/2bathroom. And you know what? I'm going to get the one I want. I'm going to put the things I like inside of it, and I'm going to be the single, pretty, independent woman I've always wanted to be. Of course I still love my boyfriend, and I still expect that we'll get married in the future, but that's not going to be my focus anymore. Why are men so complicated?!!! He wants me to be patient, but it's hard. It's hard knowing that I would do anything it takes for us to be closer, and he won't. I said I would quit my job and move out there with him, but he doesn't want that, yet he won't move out here with me. He could always take classes at the state university out here and have the classes transferred to his school back there, but he doesn't even want to consider it!!!! I mean, I can't be the one who wants it more than he does. But then it's not like I can do anything about it. Everyone is there own person and he wants to finish school. Not like I'm objecting to that at all. But there is a way he can finish school without transferring. He can complete his classes out here and have his grade transferred. Anywho, I'm frustrated. But that's just my problem. I'm much too dependent on my boyfriend. ](*,)
  17. Hey there Guys!!! Thank you so much for the encouragement, it makes makes me feel that things aren't as bad as they seem.
  18. Hey Guys!!! It's another day. I'm sitting up here in my office taking a break from training. I'm listening to the sunscreen song, for anyone who hasn't heard it before, it's great. I started feeling the exact same way I felt the last time I heard it. I was in my apartment in Alabama then. Going day-to-day just trying to keep my sanity and figure out what was going on inside. Whew! I'm glad to say that I'm far away from that place. I didn't realize how much I've improved. I was so depressed back then, wayyyy more than I am now. I don't know how my boyfriend was able to put up with me. I was walking around in a cloud, living a nightmare, I wasn't even apart of this world for a while, I don't know where my head was. But I'm happy now. Happy to know that I'm not there anymore. It's weird how things can trigger memories and feelings. I put on the sunscreen song, and I got hella chills. Crazy. I was transported back to that time, weird. I'm so much better off in California. Gosh, I'm glad I'll be staying here. There is nothing for me in Alabama. If I moved back there............I don't know, would I return to that same state of mind? Scary. Well, I guess now I can appreciate that my life isn't that bad. I've completely cut off parts of the past year. I won't relive certain things, even in my memory. Strange huh? Those moments of pure living hell and agony, I've erased them from my mind (or so I think). I can't recall them, I know they happened (those moments), and I know they've gone. And that's all I care to know. And I hope I'll never have to revisit those times again, and I hope I'll never have to be in the situation where I'll have to explain them to other people. Whew. I honestly had no clue of how horrible, torturous and scary life could be....I'm glad that's over. Well, I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your day. Sincerely, Grace
  19. EvaGina Hey There! Thanks so much for the response. I'm really sorry to hear about your assualt. It really does suck. I understand stand the emotions your talking about. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. Sometimes I wonder how long the healing process will take. And then, sometimes I feel like I'll give up. Sometimes I get tired of wondering. I do my best to just accept where I am, but it's not always easy. What can you say, sometimes life is just so hard to comprehend. Juilana Thank you so much! I feel hopefully. It sounds so pleasant to think that one day I can put the "book" away. It would be lovely. Thanks for telling me the it's okay not to understand evil. I think that eventually, I'll stop trying. It's really hard to believe that people can be so sinister and that you can't always pick up on it. It's hard not to feel, "less than" or vunerable. Sometimes it's just hard not to cry. ***Thank you guys for being so understanding
  20. I went to therapy tonight. It was okay. I really needed it. I feel better. I'm going to work on getting out of my parents house by summer. I love my parents, but they make a lot of flipant remarks. My mother is judgemental and my father, well, he doesn't get the notion of "I need some space". Anywho, I have to look out for myself. I want to get better too, and I need to get out of this house to do so. I just feel......I don't know. Part of me feels glad that I'll have something to work towards. And part of me feels so sad. Sad that I can't rely on my parents when I need them the most. Sorry that they'll never understand or be able to empathize with what I've gone through, and not just the rape, but everything else too. Sad that they don't see how much the things they say and do hurts me. I'm so emotional these days, I cry so frequently, but at least now I realize that I'm this way for a reason. Thinking about those reason makes me a little bit sadder. But there is hope, good news, I think that living on my own will help me greatly. I'll have a place where I can go to relax, to think, to be. I won't have to walk around with my guard up all of the time. I think I'd smile more. I can be me without being critized by my family. I can breathe. I think the weight and confidence will gradually come back when I reclaim my personal space. I didn't realize how much I really needed to be on my own. I'm happy thinking about it....well I feel more peaceful thinking about it. My boyfriend and I have settled on the 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom apartment. I, personally, feel more comfortable with the idea of the 2 bedroom, 2 bath. So, my boyfriend will be away for about a year. Maybe I could live in the two bedroom and move to the 3 bedroom when he arrives. I need a place that I can afford. If I get a second job I'll be able to afford the 3bd. but will I be able to live comfortably? No. So...I think I'll get the 2 bd. and move when he gets here. I want to get better, I really do, and at least now I have a better idea of how I'll do that. I'll be living on my own. I can't believe it. I'll be supporting myself, my own money. I really like that idea. Although I'm a little too tired and _____ to really appreciate it at this moment. Well, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. ~Grace I feel so sad right now. I think about the rape more frequently than I care to, but I mostly think about the events preceding it. And I feel so sad. I think about how that girl was so happy, weeks before the rape. Isn't that sad. I never seriously thought about it before, but now it hurts. She knew I was going to be raped, and she was so happy about setting me up! How could I have not been tipped off about her behavior. Over a date, she doesn't get that happy about anything. And at the time I thought she was happy to play match-maker. Now.......now that I understand.......how could a person be so cruel?! And why? To be so happy in anticipation of the horrible thing she was about to do. I mean, she did so many horrible things, but.......I don't know, as time goes by I see more. I can actually see things more clearly as time passes and it only yields more pain. I can see her facial expressions, that look on her face, her laugh, how thrilled she was...and I was so stupid!!! How could I be so stupid, the whole time! The whole time! And I could only see it when it was too late. It's like watching a movie, and realizing that I'm the dumb one, obilvious to everything. Why weren't my eyes opened? Why was I so blind? And I remember thinking that her behavior was strange. She was doing strange things, and I just dismissed it. I told myself that everyone is different, and it was no big deal, just her quirky-ness. And I feel so sick. So sick. I mean she knew so much about me. About how much I had been through. About the abusive relationship, and the stalker. She knew how much crap I had been through. Everything, and it was all just a game. Why was I so nice to her? I should have kept my distance. I should have known. The signs were there. But I just thought she was human, and thereforeeee different than me. I didn't know that she was evil. I didn't believe that she would do anything to hurt me. But I should have. Time and again she showed me that she didn't have my best interest at heart. But they were such small things. Things stated in conversations. Bad suggestions. Why me? Was I such an easy target? Was I so much fun to torture. Why did she find me being raped to be fun and exciting? Why did she hurt me after I had already been hurt so much? Again and again and again, she found ways to hurt me more. She used me when I was in shock. She kept tabs on me, tried to keep me from telling. She even had me drive 30min. to take out her trash under the pretense that she had a puppy who she forgot to leave food out for. Needless to say when I got there, there was no puppy in sight. How could she be so cruel. I was hurting and in pain...so much pain, and you want to add insult on top of extreme injury...and have me go out of my way to empty your trash!!! I can't get over that hurt just yet. How could I have let someone so evil get so close to me and not even know it? She was a snake, I didn't see her, and she bit me, and I'm still trying to bleed out the poison. How do I get it out of my system? And I was pretty, and slim, and........afterwards, I put on so much weight and she lost so much weight.....and then she was pretty and thin. Does that mean anything? And she tried to buy me off?! She wanted to buy me something to hush me up and make everything all better. What? What did she think? Did she think that buying me something would erase all of the things that she did. That it would make up for her setting me up and trying to shut me up and for him raping me? That b****! And I almost killed myself because of her. Because of the things she told me that he said, and she laughed!!!! She laughed!!! What's so funny about me being raped?! What's so funny! I'm hurt and angry and crying and all she can do is laugh and say "you're so funny!" I'm so broken because of this whole mess, because of everything, and all I can think about is her laughing at me. Am I that worthless? I felt so ashamed, ripped, and broken.......
  21. Hey Guys!!! I was just watching this episode of dateline and.....well, it was about this rape that occurred. I just want to say THANK YOU GUYS SO VERY MUCH!!! I've just thought of the things I've been through and there has always been someone from this community to love and support me. And it means the world. Rape is always complicated, never clear or easy, and always hard to discuss. Whenever I've needed to vent, or cry, or scream, or comtimplated a new way of thinking, enotalone has been here for me. I mean, this is the best resource ever! Thank you guys! You've affected my life in only the most wonderful ways! @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Okay, now I guess I'll talk about my feelings, LOL! Anywho, first of all, thinking about rape makes my head hurt. I can talk about the crazy emotions I have as a result of it........ But it's complicated. And sometimes the whole 'rape thing' gets old even for me. It's so exhausting. I don't know, it feels like the side-effects (aftermath) of rape is so long and drawn out. I just want to be happy, ya know. Why is happiness so hard to come by these days? I want things to be simple. I mean, I just want to lose weight. Why does everything tie into something else? I just want to be okay. It's like no matter what, I don't do what is necessary to lose weight! It's ridiculously crazy!!! I always thought that if you could acknowledge something you could change it. I've acknowledged that I have a phobia of being thin (check). I can acknowledge that I have no real incentive to lose weight (check). And last but not least I've acknowledge that I just simply need to lose weight (check). I want to like myself again. I want to stop being suicidal. I want so many things right? Part of me doesn't want to feel. I wish there was a magic pill that could make me feel all better. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Anywho, this lady went to the police after her rapist sent her an apology letter after the fact. I believe she did the right thing. I don't think I'll ever be in that situation, because I already reported it. I feel like I've left the punishment part in the hands of the law. I wouldn't want to go to court. I think that it would be too much to go to court. Personally I don't want to see him, or Ariel again. I don't know. I don't think I have that much of a problem with the rapist and his accomplice anymore (or maybe I'm in denial), I just have a problem with all of the emotions. I'm tired of being sad about it. I'm tired of being angry with myself. And I'm so angry with myself.....because I couldn't protect me. That's hurts more than anything.......more than being betrayed and set-up by a close friend, more than being raped............I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me. That I couldn't foresee or stop it. I can't seem to move past that. I mean........okay, maybe I should just admit that they were smarter than me. They were much smarter. They set me up, and I didn't have a clue. Maybe it's a fun game they like to play. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. Who know, they are childhood friends, they could have been doing it for years. But when did she decide to do it? I mean, she knows other people. Was it because I was close to her? Was it because I was just too easy a target? I mean, who would care if the side-effects weren't so horrible? I mean.........I don't know. When he raped me, it really really hurt. And then everything else. I mean it makes me head swim. There is absolutely no way I will ever be able to digest this, too much cruelty at once. And that's all that I walk away with. I walk away knowing that the world is full of cruelty and I can't understand it. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ I'm confused. I'm soooooo confused. Okay, how can I live life when I am no longer blind to the fact that in an instant my life can be completely destroyed and I can do nothing about it. Then, I know God loves me, and I know man has free will (okay this is just a piece I'm trying to fit into everything else, I'm trying to find out where this belongs). Then I realize I was raped, I realize I was betrayed and set up by a friend. That is so clear right? Why do I feel confused about that. I can put all of the pieces together of before, during, and after the rape (aside from moments when I blacked out). Okay, that's okay in my mind. I guess that hardest thing is all of these disorders. I mean maybe the chronic post traumatic stress disorder is making things hard. Or the anxiety disorder, or the depression. I feel like I don't have my brain. I feel like things aren't in order. I have these crazy emotions and then a bunch of thoughts just floating around in my head. I guess I just want to connect the thoughts and the emotions. I just want to cry because I feel like, after the rape, my brain fell apart. And it seemed to get worse as time progressed. How long does post traumatic stress disorder last? I should look that up on the internet. I stopped taking my depression medication so that I could lose weight. My parents are glad, they've never liked me being on medicine. My mom believes that me not being on medicine shows my strength. I don't feel very strong so that made me feel better. Without the medicine, I feel. I feel more human. But with the medicine, my brain works better, I function much better. I'm not sure what to do. Why I am so sad? When does rape ever just go away?
  22. I am so frustrated. My parents are getting on my freakin nerves! I can't trust them, they are not supportive. I'm just like, leave me alone, ya know. You're not helping, stay away, stop making my situation worse. They are totally self-centered, and the older the get the more crazy about money they get. I'm just like, grrrrrrrrr!!!! I mean, I have a job that sucks!!!! Why does it suck? Because it's stupid easy and they don't pay me what I'm worth. I should be getting paid twice what I'm getting, ya know. And my boyfriend is far away and I may be away from him for as long as a year. That in itself is so disturbing and nobody gets that! He is the only person I trust and I'm having extreme separation anxiety. Being away from him is torture for me. And he's so far away. And I would be happy, so happy if I could just be with him. But I can't live with him because he wouldn't let me, and I've been rejected all the way around. Am forced into this situation and I have no way out. I'm still living with my parents. It sucks! And with this job I don't have enough money to move out on my own. Hopefully I'll be getting a new job soon that pay much, much more money (someone is working on it for me, thank goodness!). I mean, I'm a college graduate and I'm not even on salary. School secretaries with no degrees make me more me, I feel like crap. I'm so sad, this is horrible. My life feels like it's going down the toilet. And I'll a want is my apartment and my boyfriend and that's that. I mean. But then I'm scared because how do I know that my apartment will be safe. I mean, the last one was destroyed be a tornado!!! I'm so sad. I don't trust anything anymore. I can't really get excited about a good thing because I don't know how long it will last. And I feel so sick, I feel like I want to throw up. I hate my life. I hate being scared all the time. I mean, I don't feel safe ever. It was the abuse and then the stalking and then the rape, and then that close friend betraying me, what else is there. I'm damaged. Life is cruel, that's what it is. And there is no one to save or comfort me. I don't feel safe. I don't know that I ever will. But I feel safe around my boyfriend. Maybe it's because he was there shortly after it happened, and he took care of me. Maybe that's it. How long do I have to wait. ......great!!!! My dad just knocked on my door and said he wanted to give me a suggestion! What is with these people and their damn suggestions! They're just control freaks, anyways. I just want to give up. Give up! How am I suppose to spend a year without my boyfriend?!!! Huh? I mean, he wants to get his college degree, fine. But then he doesn't want me to stay with him where he is, but he'll eventually come up here and we'll stay together. What is going on? I'm just so tired. Sometimes I think about not being here anymore. Sometimes I really feel it would be a solution. It's just too much. things get to be too overwhelming. I can't understand things anymore. This world makes absolutely no sense to me. None at all. I stuggle on, trying to surpress my feelings, but sometimes they just come out. And sometimes I just really, really want to be left alone.
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