Gracelove

You should see a therapist. One things that might help....try telling yourself that you do ever have to be in another relationship with a guy if you don't want to. Tell yourself that, and just see how that makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable being in a romantic relationship with a guy, don't be. I tried it and it really helped me. It made me realize how much control I have over myself. If I'm scared of men I don't have to be bothered. You will be okay. Just stay out of relationships. Have you talked to your parents? Have you told them how you feel? That you feel they are abusive at times. Do that, you may be surprised, it may help you out a lot. Talking to your parents, or even writing them a letter can help. It really helped me. You've just got to get to the point where you are able to speak out. Where you are strong enough to state your feelings without being ashamed.

Your sister is definitely in an abusive relationship. I have a cousin who made the mistake of marrying her abuser. I wish I could give you some helpful advice, however I've been unsuccessful in convincing my cousin to leave her then "boyfriend" and now "husband". If you can talk her into separating from him for a 2month period (no communication time), that may really help. That was the beginning of the end of my abusive relationship.

Actually, I'm not really drawn to bad boys. My ex wouldn't be considered the "bad boy" type. He'd be more likely to fall under the "loner" or "nerd" type. LOL. Weird huh. I have had two nice boyfriends before actually. I was so in love with my second boyfriend, we were the most compatible. And he is so sweet. We ended up breaking up because he wanted to date other girls. I mean you can't blame him, it was freshman year. We had talked about dating other people before hand. We didn't want to be one of those couples who got married early and later begin to rescent(sp?) each other because we "missed out" on a chance to date other people/have that experience. Then we never ended up getting back together. I do miss him. I wish we could be friends. N-Eways, I know why I ended up in 2 unhealthy relationships. It's because I had to learn how to say "no". I'm a very accepting person, so if (in the past) someone asked me to be with them, I would say "yes". Stupid I know. I really appreciate everyone trying to help me. I understand Taffy's explanation, to me it makes perfect sense. I am aware though, that is may not apply to everyone, and that's where teacup comes in. Believe you me, I have definitely thought of Taffy's explanation over the last year or so. I looked at every possible scenario. I think esteem, or just your thoughts in general can play into why you ended up in an abusive relationship. I used to think of every bad thing that could possibly happen to me. I would think of horrible scenarios so I could plan how I would react if I was ever in that situation. It stemmed from a fear of being ill-prepared. I think that dwelling on certain things brought them to me. Today isn't one of my best days. I'm realizing that this whole trial thing has got me pretty worked up. I don't know what to expect. I definitely never expected for this to happen in my life. Going to court, in front of a judge. Scary thought. All I wanted to do was heal and be left alone. That's it. I feel like giving up. I should have immediately sought a counselor at the beginning of this semester. I'm hurt. And at times I think I might be angry, because I feel trapped. I felt trapped in the relationship with my ex, and now I still feel trapped. I feel like I can't move on from all of this. He may not ever go away. I may have to move before I am able to get some sort of peace. And that sucks. My ex already has his degree. And I feel like I'm being deprived of mine. If he has ever cared for me, or ever loved me, why can't he be considerate, just a little bit. Someone told me that he is mad he can't have me, and as long as he destroys me so no one else can have me, he'll be content. I think that's sad. I really want my life back. I want my life back. I've tried, and I've made small progresses, but I have yet to achieve that goal.

Hey There Taffy!!! I know I'm not a moderator, but I like the length of your messages. You have certainly been through some stuff, to say the least. I'm so glad that you are out of those relationships. There two abusers in your life, were those the only 2 people you almost married? I ask because I was in an oppressive relationship prior to the one the my "ex". I was engaged to both of them as well. I've had two relationships prior to the last to, and I wasn't engaged to those guys. Sometimes when I think about it, I think it's sad that I was engaged to the two "bad guys". I think it's because they want to hold on to something good. I mean, they definitely wouldn't stay with someone who acted like they did. Oh well. How did you get out of your relationships? I know I wouldn't have left it I didn't believe with all my heart that I would die soon if I didn't. What convinced you to leave? Did anyone help you? How was your recovery process in the beginning? I was happy at first. Then scared. Then completely immobilized. Then able to function on some level....and things keep improving. That's something I forget sometimes. Even though recovery may be a "long road ahead", at least we keep improving. Have you noticed how things have improved for you? How your strength has developed? Sometimes I forget. But I am grateful for that. I feel better today. That's definitely on the upside. I didn't sleep that well last night. I had a dream that my ex was trying to get me. Despite that, things are definitely looking up. Things will be over soon. Ya know? He will lie. I've accepted that to be a fact. He doesn't want to look bad, espicially not in front of a job. It'll be okay though. I feel more free today. More at peace. Things will work out. So right now, I'm just "riding the wave" Thanks for offering a pm.

You are right to want to get out of the relationship. Stay as far away from him as you can. I wish I could express how hard recovering from an abusive relationship is. I truly believe that the sooner you get out of the relationship, the better. Please do that for yourself, stay away. So he has no one.....? It doesn't matter. I know how you feel because I fell into that trap. You are probably a really caring person who hates to think of someone being unhappy, espicially if you can prevent it somehow. Let him go. You don't want him to drain you. Save your energy to help those you really need and want you help. Hang in there okay. Not with him but in general.

You should definitely see a counselor. Tell your girlfriend of your feelings and fears. Tell her that you don't want to hurt her. If you begin feeling insecure or like you might start an argument, leave, remove yourself. You need another outlet, an objective opinion, which is why you need a counselor. You can love your girlfriend, and express your fears to your counselor. Your main objective should be your healing, and to refrain from hurting those you love. Even though you've "fallen out" with your mother. You should send her a note or something just to let her know that you love her. She is struggling as well. It would probably be a little easier for her if she felt she had support, someone to rely on no matter what. You are her child so she probably feels like she should be protecting you as opposed to leaning on you for help. What will she do if she leaves him? She's certain of what will happen if she stays with your father. But she doesn't know what will happen if she leaves him. She is probably afraid things will go from bad to worse. Where would she stay? I'm sure she wouldn't want to impose on you and your girlfriend. She needs emotional, and financial support. She probably doesn't know where to find the help she would need. If your father is violent, he may have threatened to harm her, or even worse, you. Your mother would definitely stay in the relationship if she thought it was the only way to protect you. She loves you and needs to know you are safe. She certainly isn't getting love from her husband. Let her know that you love her. She probably really needs to know that. You have been blessed enough to find a healthy relationship, but your mother hasn't. I'm sure she really needs you in her life. Your relationship with your girlfriend sounds wonderful, don't let things from your past ruin it. Don't harm her. If you need to have time apart from her for a little while, then do that. Don't allow that past to damage her. You have been damaged, but you are still a beautiful person inside. You still have a beautiful future ahead of you. Don't be ashamed to seek help. There is nothing wrong with it. YOu need to get the poison out of your system. Let the memories flow. It's better than holding that hurt and pain within. If you hold it in it will ultimately destroy you. It's a process. Don't be discouraged, k. Everything will be okay.

I would suggest that maybe you explain your past situation to your boyfriend and take some time off (from your relationship that is). You need to heal. Taking your anger out on someone who is undeserving of it is "far from fair". If you love the man you are with right now, I'm sure you don't want to hurt him or make him feel bad. If you aren't ready to be in a relationship it's okay. If you stay in the relationship and continue to take your anger out on your boyfriend, you may regret it later on.

Thanks so much ocrob! I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Whoa!!! This quote, "I don't have to do anything to you to physically to keep you in line"., is profound. I never would have thought of that. You are so right. He probably feels that way. And what you said about greiving the relationship is new to me also. I never would have thought that at this point I would just be realizing our relationship is over. I thought I finished greiving the relationship a long time ago. But maybe that's why I'm still sad. In the relationship I felt like I was with a stranger at times. He was mean, hurtful, cruel, abusive. But I guess I felt close to him at times, like he cared for me. There were times where I truly felt he would murder me in an instant if I didn't escape at that moment. And I think that may have a lasting affect on me. It hurt to think that someone I was so kind to, and loved so much would do such a horrible thing to me. He was horrible, but I loved him at the time. I don't know why though. I think you can choose who you love. And I chose him, which was definitely a mistake. My counselor asked me if I like him, my ex. No how can I like him. I'm scared of him, and I want him to like me, so he won't want to kill me, but I don't like him. You are right. This is closure for me. I guess I never really had the closure. He always interrupted my healing process, by re-entering my life. I never really thought it would come this way. I didn't think that I'd be seeing him again. I thought that whatever happened I would be able to grieve and heal on my own. I just feel the need to explain things to people. When people question, I feel like I'm always having to explain myself. "Did he hit you?"~ "no"...."Was it that bad?"....I feel like I'm always being questioned and that my answers fall short. I just wish I was well again. I wish I could go to school and focus on my work. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was classes. I wish I could be happy again. Being independent was so much easier before I met my ex. Now I feel I need help, like I can't make it on my own at times. You know when you pretend your problems don't exist things seem easier...at least for that moment. And you definitely don't have to defend yourself that's for sure. But we have to learn how to stand up for ourselves in all aspects of life I suppose. Well, I think I'll go to bed. Sweet dreams Taffy, and thanks for all your help. Sincerely, Grace

Thanks so much you guys! I am getting a new lawyer, and am keeping the Dec. 14th court date. I'm just trying to figure out why I'm so sad and stressed out. It's not like he'll do anything to me. I mean I've really felt that way in the past, really sad and scared. But now I just feel stupid. Today, one of my guy friends strongly implied that I was over-reacting. He said, "so he's stalking you, as long as he's not putting his hands on you or raping you, you are fine". That really hurt. He's my friend, but that hurt me. I felt like he totally wasn't supporting me. I've never been to court before. I'm afraid my ex will say things to hurt me. I know he will be lying, and I'm afraid his lies will hurt. I only tell the truth about the things he has done. Why does he still want to hurt me by lying? I don't lie about him. After all of the horrible things he has done, I don't lie about him. I only tell the truth. Why does he have to do things like that to me? He is so quick to apologize but he isn't sincere. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone. After everything that's all I asked. I really hate to admit that I was scared of him, that I believe he is dangerous. Even until this day, when people ask me if I am really afraid of him, I hold back my feelings. I try to make things seem as if they aren't as bad as they really are. It's like, for so long I've kept my feelings to myself. With any problem I've had I've kept it within. But I couldn't do that with this. It affected so much of my life, it was obvious. I had to take off of school, my grades severely dropped, I have to see therapists, I feel sad. I can't hide my problems anymore. And if you guys weren't here to support me through this site, then I'd feel like a complete wreck. I just want to know why it still hurts. Why does he still want to hurt me like that? I know I'm a good person. I know that I don't deserve this. I can't allow him to convince me that he is better and I am over-reacting. I can't go in there and cower (Spelling?) because he is there. I can't act like I've just be beaten in a back room and have suddenly lost my voice or will to speak........I'm just scared. He is the bully that I am still afraid of, and it sucks.

Hey There Taffy!!! Thanks so much for your support, I really need it right now. I just heard from my lawyer. My ex has a lawyer, and my lawyer sounds intimidated. My lawyer is pretty much defending my ex Taffy. She was like, "when you saw him at the gas station, who was there first"? I was like, "He was, but I frequent that gas station. It's right around the corner from my house" I went to that gas station almost everyday, to the convenient store or for gas. Then she was like, "when you saw him at the vet was he there first?" I was like, "Ya". But what does that have to do with it, ya know? He wasn't an Animal Science major, he didn't have a pet with him and he's not a vet. Then she was like, "did you know that he is going to be working over there?" And I'm like, "Of course not". I felt like she was interrogating me. Then she's telling me that he wants to settle out of court. He wants me to sign some paper saying that I won't bother him anymore and that he won't bother me. What's that about!!! I've never bothered him. So why in the world am I going to sign some paper implying that I did. Then I guess he is saying that I never worked out at the gym until I found out he was in the same building! Can you believe that! It's a lie, so it doesn't really matter, but still. He is also saying that he never stopped by my apartment. That he never stayed at my house and that I never stayed at his house. All lies. It really sucks. Then she told me that it's going to cost her money to go to court with me on Wednesday. What!! How do you say that to me? She's only concerned with her interest, not looking bad in court. How can she imply that us going to court is going to be a strain on her and I shouldn't put that weight on her. I can't believe she had the audacity to say that to me. She also told me that it's not convenient for my ex to come to court on Wednesday. I told her that it was convenient for my mom to fly all the way from California to be in court either. P.S. My mom flew down to come to court with me almost 3 weeks ago. And because my lawyer didn't do her job the date had to be rescheduled (for this Wednesday). Sometimes it feels like the drama never ends. I don't want her representing me in court. She won't represent me in court. She has been flaky since the beginning. She is saying that if we go to court it will be my word against his and that the order will be thrown out. I don't care if it is my word against his. My word has more value because it's the truth. At least I'll be heard. At least I'll have a chance to speak. Am I supposed to be intimidated and not go to court because he'll tell lies about me? Is that his only threat? If he thinks that threat is going to keep me away he is wrong. The only way I'll ever sign a piece of paper is if he admits to what he has done. And he sign a piece of paper saying that he will stay away from me. I tell you, abusers are awful people. He used to call my mom and tell her how nice I was to him [he did this after we broke up, I guess he thought getting to her would make me consider taking him back. He was so foolish, my mother is more intelligent than that, and so am I]. He used to say how mean he was. Now he is going to act like he did nothing. Abusers don't change. It's always the same. They don't want people to know their true colors, not unless they feel it will somehow benefit them.

I know how that feels. It definitely takes time. Don't give up. *****"This too shall pass"******

It sounds like she is accustomed to abusive situations and maybe that's where she feels comfortable. Abuse is probably the only thing she knows, espicially since her mother is abusive. It's hard for people to leave their comfort zones, even if those "zones" are unsafe. I wouldn't fret over her leaving you. You are from two different worlds, it doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible at all. I do however, understand your concern.

Great news guys!!! One of the campus police talked to me yesterday. He went to talk to my ex. The is one of the officers that is not buddy-buddy with him. He also informed me that my ex had been served!!! My lawyer didn't even inform me of that, no big surprise there. I feel great! More safe. Espicially since someone of authority, in my town has gone to speak with him. I feel more safe. Thank you guys for all of your support! It has helped strengthen me. I really appreciate it Sincerely, Gracelove P.S. I'll keep you posted.

Teacup, don't go out with the alcoholic guy!!! Just think of all the pain you've been through because of your past relationship. Is it worth going through again...........? Of course not. Just take time for you, k. Believe you me, I know it's painful. It sucks being unhappy. I try to find distractions all the time so I won't have to focus on how I'm feeling. But you don't want this distraction. And you say he seems distant... RED FLAGS. Always acknowledge and heed the red flags. I don't want you hurt. Bad things happen to us when we don't pay attention to the warning signs. Hang in there, and leave that crazy man alone. I'm glad you already realize you don't want this type of person in your life. No matter what happens stay away.

You're right.

I have taken down the name of one of the security guards he is friends with

You are right. All of this happened yesterday, I should have followed up today. I didn't follow up today because I wanted to spend time doing something else. Escaping I guess. I get so unhappy and discouraged thinking about everything sometimes. My finals start tomorrow and go through next week. I'll definitely call her and check on things though. Thanks for all of the help. P.S. I have thought about getting another lawyer. My mom said all of the paperwork is pretty much complete now. So we'll see.

I do want to take time off so badly. Now that finals are here, I've seen my ex again. And I've found out that he has re-enrolled in the school I now attend. He also works in the building that houses the gym I like to work out in. Crazy, huh? It's always something. Now I'm expected to focus on finals. I really just want to go home. I feel safe there. I don't know what to do.

I talked to campus security, they took a copy of my order and said they would give it to someone else (their boss I assume). One of the campus security officers asked me who my order was against. I told her, she stared at me and started smiling, almost like she had just been caught doing something illegal. I then asked her if she new him, and she said yes. He is friends with some of the security officers, which doesn't help me any. When we were together he said he would discuss his anger issues with them, and according to his behavior that didn't help him any. When I spoke to the police they told me to come back with a valid order, which is what my lawyer claims she has now given them.

Hey There Guys!!! Thanks for all of the information. It's helpful. My restraining order is valid in this state. The order says that he can't be at my school or place of residence. P.S. Thanks I didn't know if the order would still be valid since he now goes to school where I do. After seeing him I went to campus security and gave them a copy of the order. Then I went to the police department. The lady at the police department notified me that my order was expired. My lawyer said she would send me the valid order, but had actually sent the old one instead. I never opened the envelope until I gave it to campus security, they didn't pick up on the expired date either. So when I went to the police department they informed that it was expired. At that point I broke down. Having to deal with all of that over the course of a few hours was a bit much. And can you believe that my lawyer didn't even want me to give a copy of the order to the police in town? She said there they wouldn't do anything with it. Can you believe that?! I went anyways of course. After speaking with my father she took a copy of the valid order to the police. The same department she told me not to give a copy of the order.. I just don't want the hearing to be postponed again. And I don't want to be in court looking like an idiot. You guys are definitely right! I really need a new lawyer.

My ex is back. I was angry at first, now I'm just here. I found a stray kitten. Her name is now Emily. I was on campus (at my college) taking her to the see the vet (at the vet school). He was there. He graduated over a year and a half ago. He was a construction science major. He doesn't like animals that much and he didn't have one with him. P.S. This is the man who once threatened to run over my cat He saw me walking, with a lady. We had to pass him; I avoided eye contact. Why was he there? I think it's because when he popped up at the gas station (around the corner from my house), he saw me wearing scrubs. Since he thought I graduated he must have assumed I'm now in vet. school. N-Eways, after I was seated in the lobby, he walked by a couple of times. There isn't really anything in the direction he was walking in, just more chairs. He just wanted to see where I was. I was later informed that he is now enrolled at my school again. He's taking some classes and working part time in the building that houses the gym I like to go to. I don't like him, and that's an extreme understatement. Why would he choose to take classes at a pricey private school? He's not enrolled in Graduate school, so what's the point? You can take random classes anywhere. Why isn't he going to school at home in Mississippi? It would be cheaper, and he HATES to spend money. He didn't even like school. He has no family in this town, no friends. IS SO ISN'T FAIR! What good is a restraining order going to do me now? He can follow me all he wants as long as it's on campus. I'm starting not to care anymore. On top of that my lawyer is the crapiest lawyer in the world. She forgets to tell me things. She tells my mother, father, and me different stories. She "forgot" to tell me that I had a temporary restraining order against my ex. How do you "forget" to tell your client that? How do you "forget" to give me a copy? She doesn't do her job, we have to stay on top of her for everything. When I first came to her about a restraining order, she was telling me that I had to find information on my ex. I had drive by certain places and see if he lived there, etc. etc. If I'm trying to get a restraining order against him, why in the world should I be the one trying to seek him out. Law offices hire people to do stuff like that. I'm frustrated. I feel like I have no where to go. I'm tired, ya know. This is been over a year and a half of my life. MY LIFE. I'm extra cautious all the time. When I go somewhere, and return home, I have to check every room in my house before I can feel half-way safe. This is sooooooo ridiculous!!!! I don't mind men, I like them just fine, but I don't trust them enough to have a relationship with them. How am I suppose to concentrate on anything, let alone school, when I don't feel safe. Tell me that. P.S. My ex was extremely abusive and has had a history of stalking and harassing me, even after he graduated. I just want it to end. Being over 2000 miles away from home doesn't help either.

As far as being friends with someone and having romantic feelings for them.... if you can respect their feelings not to be romantically involved with you, why ruin a friendship? You say the person knows you like him/her? Have you actually told the person of your feelings? Are you ready to be without the friendship that the person is providing to you?

Thanks for all of the support!!!! The ideas are absolutely wonderful, espicially about changing routine and trying new things!!! I went to see a counselor yesterday as well, and it was extremely helpful. Thanks so much!!!

In my opinion, it will stay. Get out while you can. The damage isn't worth it. Believe me. I doubt an imbalance is the cause, probably just an addiction to feeling good by putting you down.