Gracelove

I'm feeling really very confused lately. I don't really know what to do. My counselor has been out of town for at least a month now. Anywho, I don't know who I am. Since the rape I've just been trying to make it through life. Most of the time life's stresses kept my mind occupied. But now, things are different. There is a lot more time on my hands. How do I begin to be okay with me again? I have to live with myself, if no one else, and I'm finding it unbearable these days. Has anyone ever been in this situation before? How do you go from hating yourself to loving yourself again???

Things are a little calmer now, espicially now that I've finished school. Without that extra pressure I guess I have a little more time to relax. I hate myself. I think about looking in the mirror after the rape. I think I hated myself then. A horrible, empty shell staring back at me. I hated that person. That person I still hate today. How can I expres what's going on when I don't even know. Those moments will forever haunt me. I hate myself for being there, for not knowing what to do, for being raped. It's like a nightmare. I keep remembering that foreign face, those looks in my eyes, but it wasn't me staring back. It's my nightmare. It scares me. I don't think about it often, but I don't know what happened after that point. Who was that staring back. Who is me??? I don't know. Maybe that's the scariest part of the whole thing, looking in the mirror at a stranger...something about it really scared me. I have such a hard time embracing it, ya know, what happened. I'd rather forget. When I talk about it I pretend it didn't happen to me. It happened to someone else. And it's a horrible thing that happened. And I should be affected by it, but I'm not really. And there is anger there. Anger with no where to go. It didn't happen it me. It happened to someone I used to be. Someone that no longer exists. Someone with no more feelings. I don't really feel a connection to that person anymore. I'm a new person burdened with her problems. I much rather her be dead altogether. I wonder why he didn't kill me and spare me this horrible mess. Was that too much to ask? I am now a shell. I feel like hardened cement. Strong-looking, maybe a little tough, willing to do or pretend to be anything to escape someone that is my past. And I hate that. I hate calling it, "my past". It's not my past. It's a past. How do I just cut it lose. I've accepted that I'll never love that person I used to be. I was violated, and became dirty, and horrible, and I don't want any association with that person that was before. How do I become okay with sex. I've tried the whole sex toy thing, but it doesn't work for me. I don't like it. I hurts me emotionally and maybe even physically. I kind of feel like a new person. Like, I'm trying to have a different, new life, but there is all this baggage I can't shake and refuse to accept. I think that maybe it would be good if I could connect with what I was before the rape. But then I think, what's the use. She obviously wasn't good enough anyway .

I miss my old counselor. She was really knowledgeble (sp?) on rape. I used to go to her office and cry and grieve and she would tell me that it was okay. I don't have that anymore, I just keep it inside. I tell myself that it's over and that it doesn't matter anymore, I was raped and that was that. I don't want to be like this forever. I used to feel like I was improving. Now, I'm digressing. I'll be watching a show on television and then in the middle of it somebody gets raped. And I have no idea that it would be apart of the show. So I try to act like it doesn't bother me as much as it really does. Everyone wants me to get better so fast. And it's just not happening. I don't want to keep up anymore. I just want to get better. Why won't people just leave me alone and let me get better? Why is there so much pressure on me? Being raped was so demeaning and it ruined my whole life. How am I supposed to just feel better about that? A living nightmare, how is that supposed to be okay? Having someone to rip me apart and laugh about it, how is that not supposed to make me feel horrible inside. Nobody was there to protect me. Nobody was there to help me. I was all alone and helpless. And the one person I trusted ended up hurting me the most. I don't know how to accept that. Why would she do that to me. I was hurting so bad. I was in an awful state, and she did everything so could to push me over the edge. She had absolutely no remorse over what she did. And she did what she could to make things worse for me. Why do I have to act like the world is great just to please the people around me? The people who love me....why don't they love me enough to understand that I can't make this situation better overnight. Why can't they just understand that. Why can't they understand that I'm not ready to do so many things. And I've gone as far as getting a vibrator recently. I was scared, and didn't really want to get one, but I was more afraid of not being able to please my boyfriend one day. I'm more scared of not wanting anything to do with sex and hurting him and our relationship. He's such a sweet guy and he has been through so much. He helped me through so much. He took care of me after I was raped. He's been with me through all of my changes. So I force myself to face those fears, in hopes that one day this will all go away. That maybe things won't be so bad. That maybe everything will be okay. I'm trying so hard, why can't people see that I'm trying? What more can I give. I want to quit my job. I want to sit around my house and cry, and want them to make me get the time I deserve, the time to grieve. I hate my life.

Thanks so much Robowarrior! I do need to rest but I'm trying to figure out how to go about it. My parents are out of town right now, so I think I'll just lay down and rest for a while, and think maybe. I was seeing a new therapist where I'm living right now, but she went into surgery about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and won't return until after the new year. I think I do need to just lay out. I even feel like I'm going to cry, but maybe that's not so bad. Hopefully I'll be able to be in a more relaxed state sometime soon. And not try to be so brave all of the time. I just feel like i have to protect myself and i don't know what to do. Men still scare me, although I feel safe with my boyfriend. They had something one T.V. today about a woman was raped by a trucker when she was just a little girl, maybe 10yrs. old or less. And when the trucker finished he basically threw her out of the car. She said she just picked herself up, she didn't cry, because she was numb. It makes me feel so horrible to hear of such things. I feel the hurt and pain again when I hear other stories of assult. Sometimes i feel completely beyond help. To be honest i feel that way most of the time. and the sad thing is that i really believe it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I thought I was finished with school. And, I have this teacher who is constantly changing on me. She waited to the last possible minute to give me my exam. It is an open-book exam. I took the answer straight from the textbook and I to spend hella money on for that classes. And she says the my answers are my opinion not fact. She waited to tell me this yesterday evening. And she wants the test re-done and turned in today. And I don't know what to do. 3 Months ago she told me that she would pass me, no matter what. And that I could get as high as an A on the exam. She promised this. Now, three months later, when she finally gives it to me, she renigs (sp?). Now she says that no matter how many question I get right, the highest grade she'll give me is a C. I'm just so confused and I can't take this on top of everything else. I have such a phobia and fear having to do with anything associated with my school. I mean, I think about the abuse and stalking I had to bear there. Then meeting that evil girl, then being raped. I've had the worst times of my life there. And I just want to get out, to be set free. It seems like no matter what I just can't escape that place. I know when I used to come here, a while back, I spoke with a woman who said that she took 2 years off from school and returned. And she sounded so happy. She had a good relationship and everything. I try to put on a brave face, and act like any new trouble aren't really that devestating, but they are. And I'm freaking out. I'm wondering, what am I doing? I came home to finish this school work. And my teachers seemed so understanding of my situation. And some of them truly were. But now, I have this horrible situation..... I feel like I have wayyy too much on my shoulders. And what can I do? I have no place to go. My mom is the type of person who believes that you control your world, and that I'm only sad about these different tragedies because I won't "change my attitude". And I just don't understand, what do I need to change. I don't walk around complaining. I just try my hardest to grin and bare. And I'm not happy with her or my her best friend pretty much telling me that my problems are all my fault. Simply because I'm down about the rape, and didn't put on a happy face. They are saying that my negative feelings are bringing on all of these other horrible things. But I'm only human. What am I supposed to do? It's not my fault that a tornado destroyed my home, or that my parents want to drop my financially so that they'll have more money. It's not my fault, that my boyfriend won't let me come stay with him when I'm suffering where I am right now. I don't even know if I can continue to go to work. It's like it's one thing after another and it's soooo overwhelming. I can't let my guard down anywhere. I'm tired of being beat up on. And I have to live in an imaginary world most of the time because I can't handle reality right now. And nothing I do seems to be good enough to change my situation. And it makes me feel sad to think that my rapist and his accomplice have already graduated from college. And probably have jobs and everything. And I am fortunate. I do have a nice job and they are going to hire me permanently. I just don't have anywhere to go, and I don't know how much longer I can live here. And I don't make enough money to get my own apartment in the place where I'm living. I feel like a weird person, like, I don't feel empty....but I feel numb to a certain extent. And I've been thinking about the rape more frequently than I ever have before. I'm not at all comfortable with those images. I don't know if it's the stress that causing those flashbacks, but I really don't like it. Then my parents tell me that I'm at home to get "better". Focus on my healing. Then why am I working? Actually I don't really mind working at all. I just mind home life after work. Both are quite overwhelming. And even though my boyfriend won't let me stay with him, it's tearing me apart to be away from him. I don't want to quit work. But part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and just.......eliminate any and every stress from my life. But I feel like I can't afford it. I can't afford to live here forever. I don't even want to stay here another month, let alone another 6 months. And my head hurts. I'm running out of my medication and soon I won't have insurance coverage to get more. I've just gotten around to writing about my feelings, but I don't feel like talking to anyone about them. I just can't. I don't talk about my rape anymore. At one point I was fine telling people and now I hope they'll never know. I'm still too scared to lose weight, and all of this extra weight is completely ruining my body. I see pretty pictures of girls in magazines and I feel sad. I remember when I used to look more like them. Now, I'm fat, I dress dumpy, and it's the only way I can be safe being around men. Without this extra weight I would feel like I was walking around naked and like someone, anyone could hurt me. I can't afford to feel that way, but, I do. And I don't feel like I can work and lose weight, and I have to lose weight because my body is becoming damaged. I feel like I have to choose between working and getting my health back. Why can't anyone around me understand me? I just want to lay in bed and rock myself. I don't think I can keep working. Well, thanks for listening. It's nice to know that people care.

It's me, I haven't been here in soooo long. Things got so depressing that I didn't feel like talking about it. But today I'm feeling pretty depressed and like maybe I need to talk about some of the things. Whew!!! Let's see..... Well, I lost my apartment to a tornado. My kittens were missing for a few days but through some phone calls I found them and my boyfriend picked them up for me. With the loss of my apartment came the loss of my indepence. I am now living at home with my parents, which has been a complete nightmare. They don't understand where I'm coming from emotionally and can be extremely insensitive. Since I've been home the longest period they've not bothered me in was 8hrs straight, and that was this past Sunday. Before, they harassed me all of the time and even disturbed my sleep. I had to check myself into the hospital for a little while because I thought I was losing my mind (mostly because of my mom's harsh comments on top of everything else I was dealing with). I got in a major car accident last week and had to be rushed to trauma. Oh, but one of the worst parts is being stuck here in California, is being thousands of miles away from my boyfriend, and it's really killing me. At first my parents said that they would pay for my apartment and utlities until I was able to find a job. Then the tornado hit..... My parents then told me that I didn't have to worry about anything they would get me another apartment. So anywho, the day after Thanksgiving (when they returned from a little party in Santa Barbara) they decided to tell me that they are dropping me financially. And that I have to pay them weekly rent (which if fairly low). Ouch, I know. Anywho, now I'm stuck here for another 6 months until I can work and save up enough money to move back where my boyfriend lives, and to support myself. Which mostly likely means that I'll have to add another full-time job to the one that I already have. And what really hurt was that my boyfriend said I couldn't live with him. I was like, how can you tell me you miss me so much all of the time but you won't let me live with you??? But I get it, he's afraid that he won't be able to handle my depression. Even though we always have so much fun together. My parents are in Hawaii for a couple of weeks, so at least I can get a break from them. So I guess that's about it for now. I'm at work so I guess I'll write back later. Does anyone have any ideas on how to keep your spirits up???

@ -)--(-----~-----)--(- @ Rough days. Rough times. Everyday is a struggle. How did life become this? One act, by a stranger Has turned my whole life around. Made my life harder than I ever knew it could be. The man of my dreams has come along. And I can't even be the woman I want to be for him. Because a stranger, stranger, had the power to shatter my life. I'm trying to pick up the pieces. Millions of them Scattered all around. I try to piece them back together, with glue, But the glue won't hold the pieces of my shattered life. So now I'm less than I was before. Less beautiful, less whole. Further away from my goals. The happy life I once dreamt of, far in the distance. Out of my reach. It might as well be an illusion, because that's what it is to me now. That's what you've done to me. Do you even care? I fear you won't. I know you don't. Who are you, who are you really? Who said you could do this to me? Who said it was okay? Was it Satan whispering in your ear? You decided to comply, and manifest my worse fear. Right before my eyes. Eyes so clear, pictures I can't erase. My mind in a haze, a daze. How could you? Who said it was okay? I don't ever want to see your face, the evil in your eyes. I can hear you laughing, like you did on the phone that day. Laughing while you told me how you violated me. Is it really funny? I certainly don't think so. The woman who carried in you in her womb, did she know what you'd become? A predator lurking behind a "respectable" mask. Angel of the dark. Demon on earth. You lie and wait for women. You wait. You plan your evil act, and execute it with a sadistic pleasure. Who are you really? I pray to God that you receive just punishment. I don't believe you'll be able withstand the judgment. And honestly...I hope you can't. I hope you succumb under the evil you dealt out. I hope it's too much for you to bare. I hope you lose your life, because I almost took mine. I hope you know the pain and suffering I now feel for each and every single day, for the rest of your life. I find myself believing that you've hurt me beyond repair. How can I ever be that happy, jovial girl that I once was? I can't. I'll never be her again, and I love her. How could you take her from me? How could you? Who are you, really? You're unfortunately someone I've crossed on this road of life. Why did you have to come into my life? Who invited you in? No one. You're a horrible mistake. But whose mistake are you? You're are a person I met through a girl mascarading as a friend. A girl who secretly hated me inside. A girl so jealous that she would help you plot in trying to destroy my life. Were you successful? I was nice to you. Kind to you like I am to all people; Courteous and polite. I had no idea who you were, or what you were there to do. You ripped my soul and other parts of me. I hurt everyday. I wait for time to heal something that seems incurable. How could this happen to me? You won't escape. You won't escape your punishment. And I can't seem to escape paying for your mistakes. You hurt me so deeply. You aren't even a loved one. You're just a person a horrible person I never wanted to know. How could you be so bold? So bold in taking what was mine? The questions will never-end; I hope the pain will. @ -)--(-----~-----)--(- @ ~A girl you hurt

Thanks! That's exactly what I plan on doing. I'd like to have two jobs if I can, one full-time job and one part-time job. However, it seems to be taking forever to get work.

If the relationship ends, I don't believe it will be your fault. A relationship consists of two people working hard to make things work. It doesn't sound like he's too interested in making the relationship work. If he really wanted to make it work he would disregard your pasts, the things you've done before meeting him. You're helpless to change your past and you shouldn't constantly be punished for the relationships you had prior to being with him. If he can't accept your past as a part of you, or get over it, how can you ever be expected to have a successful relationship with him? I don't think you can.

How is everyone doing?! I hope all is well. I've recently returned home, to my parents house, due to a recent trauma. I've been here a month thus far and I feel like I'm going crazy!!!! My mother is so over-bearing and head-strong and it's driving me nuts!!!! She's a pusher. She pushs and pushs until she gets her way and it's driving me crazy!!!! Usually my dad is around to keep the peace, but he's currently out of town. She is so controlling it's ridiculous. Usually I can hold my boundaries, but she keeps pushing and pushing and sometimes I get too tired to hold them up. I'm also dying to start work. I have absolutely no money and it's driving me up the wall. After you become a certain age, you can only live with your parents so long, and for me, that time has expired. I've been at home a month and already I'm ready to jump off of a building. It's ridiculous. Anywho, I guess that's all of my complaint thus far. Thanks for listening! ~Grace

Thanks so much for all of your replies!!! It's really so very hard on me. My boyfriend tends to make all of the rules. He'll ask me to go down on him, and then when I do it, he talks about how down he feels and makes me out to be the bad guys. And it hurts so bad because I was just doing something he asked me to do. I thought I was doing something nice for him. And then I feel like I'm being punished for it. I don't understand why he'll ask for oral sex but then doesn't want to have sexual intercourse with me. It's all sex. Why is his oral acceptable at times, and having intercourse with me it not? I've actually decided to get a vibrator. My boyfriend told me in the harshest way yesterday, that there was no way we were having any sex in our relationship until we're married (and right now he's the one who is determining that~~~3 years he says) I figure if I'm not going to have sex with my boyfriend for at least three years then I might as well learn to be a more independent woman. I'm kind of excited about getting a vibrator now actually. Although I can't be too excited because I'm still sad about the fact that my boyfriend won't even make out with me. I am getting help for the assult, I'm working through it but it's so, so hard. My boyfriend does know about the rape. I told him about it maybe after the first or second time we had sex. As far as being aggressive with my boyfriend....I've gone as far as laying in his bed naked, begging him to have sex with me (believe you me, I never thought I would ever have to do such a thing to get a man to sleep with me); it didn't work. I just don't understand what's going on. I know I'm not an unattractive person. At least people compliment me on being attractive. I'm afraid to get too aggressive with him because of my whole sexual assult thing. I don't want to feel like I'm molesting or raping him. He already makes me feel bad enough for wanting to have sex. And you're right. I don't know what he's saving himself for. He say he wants to marry me, and he has already slept with me. I just do know what to do....aside for getting a vibrator. Thank you guys for all of your input! I really, really appreciate it.

Okay, I think I'm going to get a vibrator. I was at my friend's house last night and she had this little booklet of sex toys. Before she showed me the booklet I was telling her how bad I felt because my boyfriend won't have sex with me. It's really devastating to me actually. He won't even makeout with me. I was sexually assulted in February. Sometimes I feel really dirty ya know. And having a boyfriend that only gives me pecks on the lips and hugs, really makes me feel like an unattractive woman. It's really hard on me because I've never had to deal with a situation like this before. And I think that things are this way after the assult makes the whole thing really damaging. N-Eways, my friend told me that I should get a vibrator. My first feeling...Fear. I'm afraid to get one. Um, I guess it seems really intimidating to me right now. N-Eways, she picked out the one that she thinks I should have and it looks really intimidating. It was fun having girl talk and everything. So, I slept on it. And I think I might get one. I'm still afraid, but at this point I'm beginning to think that fearing it is pointless. My boyfriend won't have sex with me or makeout with me come hell or high water. I am stressed almost all of the time and vibrators are suppose to relieve stress. And that would be a definite plus. Actually I'm hoping the vibrator will substitute for a lot of things. If I'm feeling depressed, instead of going shopping I could use the vibrator. If I'm feeling stressed, instead of spending money on food I can use the vibrator. After sleeping on it, I decided that the vibrator could probably help me save a lot of money (one time fee, except for batteries). Also the vibrator may increase my confidence and help me save my dignity by eliminating the periods when I beg my boyfriend to have sex with me. I'm also really afraid that not being sexual (after the assult) will backfire. I'm afraid of going in the opposite direction (deciding I never want to have sex ever again). My boyfriend and I had sex in the beginning of our relationship (very short lived), but he stopped because he said he felt wrong about us having sex outside of marriage. I can respect where he's coming from, but it's really hard. He has the will of steal. So, I think I'll get one. I think I'll go for it. My friend orders the "toys" through one of her friends. She offered to keep it for me until I am able to mail it to my out of state apartment (my parents are extremely nosey and I don't want to store it at their house). But then I get so nervous. What if my boyfriend doesn't pick up the package from my apartment office and they open it?! Or what if my boyfriend gets nosey and opens the box and sees the vibrator staring him in the face? What if people think I'm crazy for having this complicated vibrator? What if they think I'm a super-freak? I mean, I'm so confused about so many things right now. I don't to be in a situation where I have to try to explain owning a huge vibrator that I've never even tried. I don't know. I kind of feel like...."what do I have to lose?". Part of me is soooo extremely reluntant to try it, but then part of me feels like it can provide me with hope, and relieve to constant, heavy stress I'm under everyday. I'm desperate enough to try just about anything. I'm really nervous, but I think I'll bite the bullet and have my friend order it for me. I'm hoping the vibrator will make me feel a lot better, in genernal.

I am so unbelievably depressed, and I feel like I'm about to lose it. I can't sit still, I feel sick, I feel like I'm about to go insane. There isn't much more of this I can take, and I feel like nothing is helping. Medicine isn't helping me, therapy doesn't seem to be helping me quickly enough. I feel trapped. And there is no way I'm about to submit myself to a Psychiatric ward for evalution. I don't think that would work. I hear that they hold you for three days and they won't release you no matter what you do. I'm so sad. I wish that someone could give me some drug to knock me out or make me numb. This is overwhelming. I don't want to be bothered, I don't want to be touched. I just feel so awful. I feel like crying, but I can't release more than a few tears. Hard isn't an accurate word to decribe what I'm going through. It's not nice to feel like I'm going crazy, to feel like nothing can release me from this crazy mess. I've been told I have chronic post traumatic stress disorder. How does somebody fix that? How do I fix the depression and anxiety disorder as well? Is there anyone out there who has been diagnosed with these things? What did you do? What did you do in times of crisis? I feel like there's no one I can talk to who can help me. I feel so desperate and so helpless, and so dirty. I feel like nothing gets better. It seems like things are getting better for a moment, and then they get worse again. I feel like I'm being tortured, and it's never-ending. There has got to be a way to end all of this. But I just don't know how. Counseling? I'm going to counseling. But what about all of the minutes, and hours inbetween that I'm suffering. I mean, I've taken double the dose of sleeping medication that I'm suppose to have before, but I know it's not nearly enough to hurt me. I want to take enough to have a dreamless sleep, but I don't know how much that would be. What do you do when nothing seem to work? How much longer to I have to live like this?

I just want to offer my sincere apologies. You have a hard and devastating road ahead of you. Soon life will become a daily living hell. I didn't have the exact experience as you, I was set up by a "friend" drugged and raped, but it's similar enough. Even with tons of professional help, and meds., life is just rough. At first everything may seem okay, but give it a few months. I just.....I feel for you so much! I am going through so much myself right now and it's completely horrible. You'll struggle in trying to comprehend how someone could damaged your life and well-being in such an overwhelming way. Even after months you'll find that you haven't made a dent in the surface of this new, horrible, unsecured, unpredictable, barely survivable life. Girl, you are in for the worst nightmare of your life. At times you are going to wish that you would have just died instead of having to live through a never-ending hell. But just remember, that when you start having these experiences....you aren't the only person to ever feel this way. It's part of the process, and although at times it's unbearable, you will develop a new strength. I don't yet feel like new-found strength is worth all the horror, but then again, I have a long way to go.

I wish I could help you. I have some of the same feelings that you do. I'm living at home with my parents right now, due to a traumatic situaiton. My boyfriend is far away right now, and I really miss him. I also understand the whole college thing. The college experience can be an unpleasant unpleasant. They charge so much to get an education and it's so completely ridiculous. I also am having a few money issues. Have you ever thought that maybe you might be clinically depressed? I am suffering from depression and since we have some similar situations, it might be something to want to look into. Espicially if you're thinking of driving into a wall or shooting yourself in the head. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and you have my sympathies, life is tough.

I hope everyone has been well. Things have been kind of rough for me lately. So many things....... I don't know if I'm as angry as I was before. I mean, I feel angry, but I don't really feel like lashing out. Life is so rough. There are so many things changing in my life and it's so overwhelming. I've come to accept a lot of things at this point. whew! I don't even know where to begin..or if I should. I really don't like rape. I don't want to hear the word anymore. I don't want to talk about it anymore. There are so many things that I don't want that have come with the territory. Before I was rape (there's the evil word), I kind of had an idea of the affects of rape... rape = a ruined life ...but I had no idea of the extent of the damage, I mean, how could I? It's amazing how one act could destroy so much. How one person decides to do something like...drive drunk/and kill someone in the process, murder someone, rape someone and......it brings so much with it. It doesn't come alone, it comes with extreme pain and various emotions that don't even have names. And I just keep thinking, how long am I going to have to wake up and feel like I'm living in hell? How long...it doesn't seem like it's going to end. And it's not because of something I did. I think that's the hardest thing to accept. I'm in this huge mess, because someone decided to rape me. I'm paying the consequences of that person's actions. And it's a struggle. I'm paying for someone else's crime, every second, of every day. And sometimes I'm mad about it. Sometimes, I'm sad. Sometimes I'm devastated. Sometimes I'm suicidal. Sometimes I wish someone could figure out a way to hurt him, even just a fraction of the way I've been hurt by him. It's not fair for a stranger to cause so much trauma in your life. Then there is that other person. The one that I thought was a friend. Then one I would have done almost anything for....the one that wasn't really a friend....the one who went out of her way to hurt not just a "friend", but another human being in such an extreme way. Rape and betrayal is almost too much to deal with at once. And me, I couldn't deal with it all at once. But when you get to a place where you can finally accept the truth, the truth of everything that has happened to you.....it's almost too much. How do you comfort yourself? What do you say? "It wasn't my fault"..? Well, that's nice, but it doesn't take away my pain. What do you do when words don't seem to matter anymore? When they've lost their magic??? And what should I hope? That they should have to pay the consequences for someone else's actions? Maybe that's my only hope now. Maybe that's the only way they can ever feel any of the pain that I've felt. If they are forced to pay the consequences for someone else's actions. Maybe then, and only then, will they be able to understand the gravity of what they've done. And there will be no words to comfort them.

I'm so exhausted guys! Whew! Anywho, I went to therapy again today, and it's great! It didn't feel completely that way at the time, but it does now. We discussed ways to release anger: writing letters, drawing pictures of horrible things happening to them, writing their names on pillows and beating the crap out of them with a racket, pasting images of them on a dart board and darting the hell out of them. It's great, it makes me feel better...to know that I can release the anger, and that it's okay. I don't think I've ever know someone to encourage that type of behavior, but I now realize it's an important part of the grieving process, and it's really helping me. Who would of thought. It's wonderful to feel supported and loved despite your emotional state. For someone to tell you that you've been violated in such a horrible way, and that if you weren't angry they'd be worried. Being in that office knowing that I can do and say anything brings me such freedom. Being able to just let it all out for one hour of my day...whew...it helps more than I ever thought it would, and I didn't know I needed it so much. I feel like I'm finally greiving properly. It's like, if he would have burned down my house, taken my money, I would have been mad as hell but I could get over it. Why? Because it's replaceble. I can always buy another house. I could always get more money. But what he took from me, I can't replace. It's a violation that can never be made right. And it makes me so angry. I just don't know what to do sometimes, but not having everything built up in me is definitely helping me to feel more in control. Ever since I was young I kept all bad emotions inside, which is why I had to deal with suicidal thoughts and an eating disorder. But, now I'm 23years old, and I'm finally learning how to express that anger I turned inward on myself. I just feel so tired. But I'm not ready to sleep. Sleep doesn't bring the best dreams, so I avoid sleeping. Right now, being awake is a little better than sleeping. Just yesterday they were both pretty much hell. After leaving therapy I called my best guy friend and vented on his voicemail. He has known me for a while and totally gets me. And then I went shopping. It was great. I needed something to do. Anywho. I really love my new therapist, this is going much better than I ever could have imagined. I am feeling more impowered. When I return to my other home I'm going to go to the shooting range regularly. Yep, that's right, the .22 caliber rifle, LOL! Anywho. I guess that's about it for now. I'll probably just lay down somewhere and look at the ceiling. Night-night.

lolobolo Thanks for your support! Ya, I really don't want this to ruin my life. Wow, I really like your saying "don't let yourself for a moment imagine this is the only world you have to live in", that's so beautiful! I'll try not to. Your pretty quote has inspired me. This whole process is so unbelivably crazy. And the weird thing is that before I was raped I had such a disgust for rapists, ya know. I can't even describe it, it was sooooo strong. And when I found out that certain friends were molested as a child, I was sooooo angry, and extremely protective. I always, thought it was kind of weird for me to be that way. I was so strong then, so ready to beat the crap out of those people for what they had done to my friends. I had a perfect anger for them. It's funny how the tables turn.

Thank you guys!!! Sooo much!!!! Ms. Babydoll You were molested yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh I am soooo sorry! I had a dream that I was molested last night, it all sucks. I wish I had words to comfort you. When faced with a horrible thing like that it's hard to know what to think. At first (for me anyways) I went through this short-lived phase where, everything was alright. I was able to not think about it, brush it off, and go on like everything could be okay. That was after I had to sleep in a parking lot to keep from killing myself. Anywho....hang in there. I'm going to say that, because you deserve it. Not the pain and daily hell, but.....it would suck if the guy...well, anyhwo. My therapist told me yesterday that no one commits suicide because they want to die. They do it because they want the pain to end (which is totally true!) I wish there was something I could do for you. Maybe..you could imagine yourself kicking his * * *, ya know. Making his life a living hell, and even if you know inside that you have no intentions of doing so, imagine it anyways. It definitely helps. Really helps. Okay, me for example, my case has gone to the DA and they are going to decide whether they want to prosecute or not. And even if they don't, there are many more people now who know that he's a rapist. So that makes me smile. I will also tell you to hang in there because there are some highlights. You'll realize that there are kind and caring people in the world. You'll definitely find out who your true friends are, and some of your old friends may come back to help you find your way. You'll eventually be able to take interest in your future, and even if things are horrible, you'll be able to see that you have options and a future is feasible. I have grown stronger. I used to think, I would totally abandon this new found strength to be the way I used to be. But....that can't happen. If you were like I used to be....then you'll finally know that there truly are evil people in this world. Just take your time. Feel how you want to feel. Go slow. At first you may find that others in your environment won't be able to relate to changes that start to develop in your life (behavior, etc.). I still feel sorrow. Regret, that it had to happen to me. And being in therapy again is so hard. It's hard having to hear that what happened to you was a horrible thing, espicially when you try not to think about it. Oh!!! Another idea...get a dart board. That's what I'm going to do. Draw bad pictures of them, tape it on the dart board, and dart the hell out of them. But the whole thing may be hard for you to understand. I think that I still haven't fully gotten my mind around it yet. It still hasn't completely sucken in. And I think that everytime it sinks in a little more, I feel more sorrow, pain, and rage. It is all just awful. But please hang in there. I'm doing it. Um...I know that may not be a selling point, but at times things are eaiser to bare. Well, one good thing, I haven't seriously thought about killing myself recently! That's got to be an improvement. So, I just want you to know that things to improve, but it can be at a snails pace, so hang in there Ellie2006 You're right, it feels great to vent!!!! If I would have known how great it felt I would have done it soooo much longer ago! I'm so glad to hear that people in the community don't mind me venting like that. I wouldn't want to offend anybody, but I sooo needed to vent like that. Thanks for the love and support! NewHorizons I can understand where you're coming from (your mom's situation, although for me it wasn't my mom). That's what I'm concerned about. Part of me would like nothing more than to get this over with. And it all just seems to be taking soooo long. And I hear that the healing process can take years, and that there are triggers that make you feel certain emotions. I want to have children in about five years or so, and I want them to have a happy mother. A truly happy mother. Thinking of things like that makes me feel like this person has ruined my life. Now I have to re-plan things, or fret about new things. If I wouldn't have been raped, and then developed depression (along with other things), then I wouldn't have to worry about being the type of mother that I want to be. Then I feel like he's not only taking away from me, but my children as well, and that infuriates me! I just want to be fully present for my life. I don't want to spend half of my time in lala land. And it's not even that I spend most of my day thinking about him or his accomplice; I don't. But it's like I'm absent, my mind it elsewhere. And there are all of these feelings associated with that time. And if my mom sees me staring into space and asks me what I'm think about, I can't even tell her, I just know that I'm in pain, and agony, and I'm feeling all of these other emotions that I didn't know existed. I mostly only think about those bastards when someone brings them up. But it's a good thing that people bring them up I guess, because all that anger that I've been ignoring will stay on the inside. But anywho...it's such a rough road. But I'm glad you can kind of relate. Lost&Broken I really feel for you. I know you must have gone through so much! I mean, I know you must have felt betrayed just as I did, only in a worse way because it was your brother. How are you feeling today? How long ago did it happen? Have things gotten better for you or are they still rough? I'm sure we've had a lot of the same emotions. I mean at times I just feel sooo devestated. Whew! And he had a gun against your head? Don't you just wish that you could have shot him with that gun? Right in the balls. That would teach him a little something, maybe in his legs and arms too. Anywho. Let me tell you, I thought I had lost my imagination until writing all of that stuff last night. Thanks for replying to my post, and helping me to feel better. Fallout I think your ideas are wonderful! I definitely think I'll be able to do that eventually. I did go away for a while. It's just hard for me sometimes. I'm really self-conscious about my negative moods. I usually try to calm myself before posting. And sometimes I don't feel like talking on the phone to friends. I just feel like I'll be such a drag. And I really don't want to ruin anyone else's mood. Thanks for all of the suggestions and advice! ~Grace

Whew!!! Writing all of that certainly helped me to feel better. I honestly can't think of any person who has been raped who wouldn't feel this way at one point or another. I have been nothing but kind to people. I was in an abusive relationship, stalked for a year and then raped. I don't deserve what I've had to go through. I have now been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder, and chronic post traumatic stress disorder. I am at my wits end. He deserves any bad thing that could ever be wished on him. He should have killed me while he was at it, at least it would have been more humane. I want him to suffer, and I feel it is my right, and he deserves it. He really does; at the very least. I mean there are so many other horrible things I can imagine. It's all part of my on-going, never-ending greiving process, unfortunately. I am stuck actually, I also feel like I'm getting worse. My counselor truly believes I am reacting "normally" to all that I have endured. Such is life. Reading different books is a good idea. But I'm really at the place where I'm feeling sick, and can do nothing other than lay in bed at this point. Some days are okay and some days are bad. People do overcome things, but it does take time.

I feel so sick, like vomitting. Help!!! I hate this new life, life after rape, why doesn't someone just shoot me in the head. Ahhh!!! I could just scream! Ahhhhh!!!!! This is the worse kind of life and it sucks! If I saw that bastard and his accomplice right now....Oooooo!!!!! I don't think there is anything I could do to make them feel the amount of pain I'm feeling right now, but that wouldn't stop me from trying. Let's see, what is the most disgusting movie I can think of........hummm....Texas Chainsaw massacre? Or what about that "saw" movie I've heard about.....what could possibly make those demons from hell suffer 1/50th of what I have because of their....sadistic, dumb, twisted,....I am so running out of bad words....dumb asses!!!! They are sooooooo lucky I haven't told certain family members what they've done. They would track them down and beat them into a freakin coma. Why do I have to be so nice? But part of me would love to see what my family would do to them. You'd hear about them on Unsolved Mysteries. I guess the thing about it is that......although I know I could make it happen, I just won't. I don't see the point. I can't think of anything that I could to them that would completely satisfy me, at least not yet anyways. Anywho, let's not think about violence (ya right). If I see anyone of them in a dark alley I can't be held responsible for my actions. Sometimes I wish I could be mad enough to seek revenge, espicially since I have the resources. But....I guess I'm not as ________(insert) as I'd like to be. I'm in hell right now and where are they? Oh, I know!!!! I want them to get into a horrible car wreck and never be able to walk or speak again!!! Hum........my brain isn't working, I can't think of anything horrid enough. But if that bastard ever came knocking on my door I'd blow him away with a .22 caliber rifle. I guess that's as far as I can go, but unfortunately he isn't stupid enough to come knocking on my door...and therein lies the dilemma. This absolutely sucks! Why can't I just be violent. It seems like I'll only be able to be that way if someone tries to attack me, and it sucks! I mean there are so many things I want to happen to him *I want him to be eaten by a pitbull *Run over by a freight train *Beat into a coma *Scared out of his wits by a couple of my rough-neck cousins (training day style) *Suffer from a medical problem that causes impotence *A staph infection (flesh-eating) *Paralysis *Gang-raped by at least 20 males *Black-balled *Sterile *Beaten in the head with a hammer *Starved to the brink of death, then be brought back only for it to be done again *Thrown on a deserted island to fend for himself for the next 30years (and a bear will eat him alive on the 20th day) Hum.............. *I want him stalked by a pyscotic (sp?) maniac who will later eat him piece by piece for breakfast *I want him to have to listen to a looped recording stating what a nasty- piece of trash he is *I want him sleep deprived *I want his arm ripped off by a lion *I want him thrown into crocodile (sp?) territory to be slashed into pieces *I want him to feel fear for each and every single day of his entire life *I want the one person he falls in love with to betray him and rip his heart out, and cut off his balls with a butcher knife when she discovers what a rapist pig he is *I want someone to sew his shut so that all the crap backs up in his system and he dies of the toxins * I want him to have diaherra (sp?) so bad that his feels like it's on fire * I want him to lose all of his fingers and toes to frost bite * I want him to have to go a year without showering * I want him to be feed nothing but sweets so that he throws up and gets sick every single day *I want someone to scare him awake every time he goes to sleep so that then that will know what if feels like * I want someone to perform a C-section on him while his still awake * I want everyone and anyone who associated with that pig bastard to leave him rotting in his own filth * When he buys his first house I want someone to set it on fire *I want someone to spray paint "worthless, rapist pig" all over his car *I want someone to tattoo "rapist" on his forehead (I think that's the best idea I've had thus far) *I want all of his future children to be taken away from him * I want him shunned by any and all communities *I want him to come down with an unknown, incurable disease so the he can spend the rest of his life suffering, without ever knowing when it's going to end And for the who helps him gets girls..I just want her to die.

I really feel for you. Your uncle is a bastard. i've actually thought of having a work out tape which includes a woman beating up and mutaliting (sP?)[actually just chopping of his penis] a representation of her rapist, you know, set to music, and broadcasted on You Tube. I think a lot of people would benefit from it. I mean, it would be like a funny skit. Who doesn't feel like beating the crap out of their rapist. Of course I haven't done such a thing yet, but the idea makes me smile inside, maybe it'll help you too. Maybe you should see a counselor about the situation. A close friend of mine was molested at a young age. She told me just the other day that you either become hypersexual or you don't want sex with anyone. My rapist kept saying stuff in my ear too, it's like damnit, can they shut up. I was raped just a few months ago though. Unfortunately i was drugged because i would have loved to beat the out of him. Anyways, that's neither here nor there. i just want you to know that I can relate. And that the whole sex aspect can be rough. Just take your time, ya know. It's okay, go at your own pace. I'm sure your man will understand.

Hey There Snowgirl!!! How are you doing? I hope all is well. I do have a counselor now, but was without one for a little while due to expense. It's really hard being back in counseling. I had developed my own way of dealing with things although I wasn't doing the best job. I'm just tired, and a little.....Um, I don't know. I've been diagnosed with another disorder, I'm not sure yet whether it's frustrating me yet or not. It sucks constantly finding out something else is wrong with you, it's like you're not messed up enough. So now...I have major depression, Anxiety disorder, and Chronic Post traumatic stress disorder. I almost feel like laughing, what other names will I be given. I am exhausted all of the time now, I'm having nightmares, I feel like I'm in shock, and I can feel myself getting sick all over again. I don't even really know what to say about it all, but it's hard. Soooo, I'm trying to keep myself occupied, which is only running me ragged. I can't stand to just be. It's agonizing. So i go here and there and move around a lot and my body is completely wearing down. But I think that now I'm at the point where I no longer care. I keep thinking, I went off to college, and had all of these crazy and horrible college experiences. Education came at a pretty high cost for me, and I'll spend years trying to recover. It really sucks, but there's nothing I can do. Nothing helps the pain, and all the other mess, it's just there and it won't budge, that really sucks. Part of my nightmare the other day included someone like me being killed by being suffocated while having their head stuffed on a sandy beach. I mean it's just a horrible image. Trying to breath and just inhaling sand, sand in your eyes, just everything. There were a lot more horrifying things in my dream, but that's a really weird part. I mean, I don't even know how something that crazy would get in my head. Anywho, that's about it. I hate feeling the sickness coming on and knowing that I can't stop it. going to the emergency room sucks. Right now, I really hate where I am. There's never an escape, not even in sleep.

Oh my gosh! You all are so sweet! Thank you so much!

I'm exhausted, i don't know what to do. I feel like I'm shaking inside, my whole body feels this way. I don't know what's happening to me, and I'm scared. I feel like I need to just lay in bed for a while, but then I'm afraid I'll just lay up there like a vegetable. I feel like crying, but I don't let it out these days. I feel like a train wreck, and I'm worried I'll get sick again. After the rape I became really ill. I had to go to the emergency room three times. I think it's because I was sooo stressed, and my immune system crashed. I don't want to be sick like that again, but I feel like something bad is about to happen. I wish I could have kept my same therapist, at least I was improving. I can't do this on my own. I'm tired of going from therapist to therapist, it doesn't help me any, I miss my old one. I'm just so sad, ya know. Life isn't great for me right now. I found out that my rapist isn't in Georgia anymore, he's in Florida. He's is going to avoid going to Georgia at all costs because he knows he's in trouble. And then I have been getting these phone calls from a Georgia number. I don't know of anyone with that particular area code. No one I know has that number. And this person leaves me 5 minute voicemails that are completely silent. And....I don't know. If he feels like he can harass me, he's wrong. I called the number back, but you can't leave a message or hear a voicemail. My friend told me that this person is pressing the "ignore" button. I don't know, silent messages aren't going to scare me, I've been through too much. I think it's stupid though, and very childish. I didn't have someone playing on my phone until after the rapist had been contacted by the police. I just don't know what to do because I don't feel like I'm getting better. I've grown so much, and have improved a lot, what would cause a relapse??? And I do still have nightmares, I thought that phase would have been pretty much over. I don't think there is anything more I'd like to do than lay in bed and stay there. But I'm afraid I won't be able to get up. So I force myself to see my friend and her baby everyday. But the whole time I'm soooo exhausted. I'm just so exhausted lately. The sleep medicine, sleep, isn't preventing the exhaustion. I just want to close myself of from the world. But how can I make a living and do that? I want to work. I want to buy things and go places. I want to be an independent woman, I've wanted that since the age of 2. And now I'm 23. I've always been a go-getter. I've always been able to work and get what I want. But now, life is just so blan, and that's a nice way to put it. I feel like...like there is an ocean, a raging ocean. And a beautiful dark and cloudy sky. And that I'm looking out over this beautiful ocean, right at the shore....and I feel calm looking at it...I'm just there looking at it in all of it's beauty. And I'm doing okay looking at it, but I know that for some reason I'm going to have to walk into that ocean...and I'm at the place where I've grown used to the idea, and can be calm at the sight of the ocean, but yet I'm terrified, because I know that ocean will overtake me. And that's how I feel, that if I just sit long enough, that ocean will overtake me, and I don't know where I'll end up. I can feel myself getting worse, I can feel myself getting sick. I feel like my whole life has to be put on hold because someone decided to be evil. Someone decided to do something so cruel to someone and have absolutely no remorse. There aren't even words for the things been going through. There aren't words to describe such agony. And I just don't understand how there are so many of these people just running around reeking havoc. It's like Satan's own personal army running around on earth trying to destroy as many people as possible. And why aren't they punished? The aftermath of rape seems more harsh than death. At least with death the pain subsides. That's it, no more pain. But to deal with this horribleness (sp?) day in and day out with no end it sight.....is more than cruel and unsual punishment...it's a form of hell. I just can't believe it. Anyways, I hate this feeling of shock, I thought that part was long gone. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Does anyone have some idea?