Gracelove

I was raped one year ago today. Time flies so quickly. Today started out as a good day, but it ended up being quite emotional. I set out to purchase some clothes and things for my trip. But unfortunately I didn't accomplish that. I realize that I've come such a long way. Although the future is still a little scary. I feel a little glad because I know myself better now. After the rape I didn't know myself at all. All I knew was that there were so many horrible things happening to me that I couldn't understand or control. And I couldn't think most of the time. But I feel like I'm getting to know myself all over again. I'm really happy about that. Thanks for your support, it's helped me through a really rough time. *Espicially early in the morning when I'm afraid to sleep.

Don't do it! I promise you'll regret it. He was abusive and he has taken the time and effort to track you down? He's a pyscho. I believe me, I've been in an abusive relationship. Once you get out you should never go back. Do you remember the pain? Feeling that you would lose your mind? Not knowing what he might do to you in your sleep? Leave it alone. Contact the police. Did you file a report against him when he abused you? If so, see if you can get a restraining order. If you have the means/money. Move. You're going to be a mommie now. You have your baby to think of. Don't put your baby in a scary and dangerous situation like that. You said you were afraid for your life, I'm pretty sure that the possibilty of losing your life is there is you go back. Is that something you want for your baby? Let it go. Don't think that calling him will calm him down or appease him in anyway, you're just lying to yourself. Call the police before it's too late. And I definitely agree that you should alert all of your family members. You've got to think about your life here, believe me, I've been there, save yourself and your baby. I wish you all the luck in the world. Stay strong, I know it's hard to think the person you once loved can kill you. But when it comes to things like this it's important not to ignore the ugly truth.

Hey There Guys!!! Thanks so much I love the ideas!!!! I really should think about another job! And I really like the part about daydreaming of how I'd like to decorate my apartment. I've done that actually and I really like it!!! I've decided that I'm going to quit my job in a few months. I'm moving out of state and I'm getting my own place!!! And it will be my own apartment because my boyfriend wants to keep his. Wow, that is really exciting. I never looked at it that way before. And as far as graduation goes I must admit, I am pretty afraid of exactly how my parents will retaliate (sp?). I do feel that they are being soo inconsiderate. But they feel that they paid for it, so I should do what they want in regards to school. But I'm really concerned about my emotional well-being. I may just have to not worry about the other people. And then they don't even consider how I feel being around a lot of people. I really don't like it. Ever since my rape I've felt extremely uncomfortable being around a lot of people if I'm not holding my boyfriend's hand. I don't want to do it. I don't think it's good for me. And then my mom wants to throw me a graduation party when I really don't want one and I told her so long ago. My mother can be so mean when she doesn't get her way. Anywho, thanks for the great advice!!! Oh, and I am doing better on the eating thing, now that I'm trying to save money for my own apartment.

I think it's because most young girls are nieve and trusting. A lot of times I think men want to be the one to take their virginity, that way the girls will become emotionally attached and more willing to do whatever the guy wants her to do in order to keep the "relationship" in tact. It's easier to manipulate people when they are less knowlegdable.

Has something happened to her in the past? Something bad and sex-related? Maybe she's afraid of sex and is only having it to please you, and maybe she can only tolerate sex when she's drunk? Is she really drunk when you guys have sex? Is she participating in the act at all?

This woman is on a roll! Okay, my mom had a little breakdown crying session about 30min. ago. She was talking about how she feels she works so hard and all of her effort is wasted. She was saying that she's just so tired and that there are things that she's wanted and has worked hard for and it seems that none of it is working. I can relate and was trying to console her. Of course she mentioned my dad, my brother, and I. How it hasn't been easy being with my dad, and the she wanted successful children and her children were paralyzed by fear. Okay, I can swallow the fact that she feels she has invested in her children and they aren't successful/failures......afterall, that is her point of view (although I don't consider graduating from college and having a job to be a failure, but whatever). Then she says she feels I'm choosing the same path and my dad. My dad had his father blown away with a shot-gun (shot 8 times) in front of his whole family on his sister's birthday. My father was then called to testify but was blamed for his father's death (because he didn't address a white man as sir....of course the incident occurred down south, in segregated times). Now of course everyone knows that if you don't address a man as "sir", and that crazy nut decides to come to your house and blow away your parent; it's not your fault. Of course there is a lot of trauma that comes with that, and my father spent a long time working through that (and he didn't have therapy, so it took much longer). Anywho, and then there's me, I was raped. So, here's where I think my mother is lacking in the sensitivity department, because neither of us chose to be tramatized (although she believes we choosing to let it affect us). Anywho, although I disagree, I can refrain from voicing that because afterall she's greiving. So my dad and I are trying to comfort her while she's talking about selling the house. Okay, fast forward about 25min. My mom just starts talking about how she's not going to want to live with me when she's old because she won't want to live with me and my unruly children. Okay, now I'm not happy. Children aren't even here yet. Why would you say that I'm going to have unruly children??? I was a far cry from an unruly child. I was often referred to as being a "goodie-two-shoes" (I wonder who in the world came up with that expression). And this isn't the first time she has said this. So I say, well I'm not going to have unruly children. And she says, it only takes one child to make a house miserable. I think that's a cheap shot. Because I'm my mom's and dad's only biological child and I'm the only one living with them in the house. I just had to leave. It's like when she's in a bad mood she attacks. And this is the woman who always says, " don't blame others". She's not the only one that's tired.

Definitely don't stress, but go see a doctor. You'll feel much better once you know for sure. I know how you feel, I had to get an HIV test after I was raped. But once I found out that I was okay, I felt a lot better. Peace of mind is most important. Good luck!!! @ -)---(-- Grace --)---(- @

Hey There Guys!!!! I was just in the process of writing each of you a note, and it all got erased. Well, here I go again. Thank you guys so very much for all of the thoughts and advice, it really helped me to feel better. Drizown I haven't read the book "Mommie Dearest" but I've seen the movie. It's funny you would mention it because that's what I nick-named my mom a long time ago. My mom is actually a really sweet and caring person, she just doesn't always act that way. Anywho, one time a long time ago my mom was giving me a lot of orders, and I called her "mommie dearest". LOL!!! I guess it's just my way of letting her know that she's doing a bit too much Fnylfrei I'm really sorry that you had to grow up in an abusive home. I feel the same way you do, in regards to staying away from people who make you feel down. I'm hoping to save up enough money to allow me to move out in a few months. Actually, come to think of it, I could spend more time with my friends, that would keep me out of the house. I just hadn't been spending time with friends because I'd been feeling really bad about myself lately. However, I'm hoping that will change; I 'm feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I'll be out of town for a week, so that should make things better for me, I'll have a chance to get away. *** LOL! My mom is soooooo nosey!!! She just came in here and tried to read what I was typing! She's so silly! *** Guest97 Okay, sorry, I'm somewhat distracted right now, Let's see if I can get back on track. I can see where you're coming from. I know my mom really loves me which is why it's so hard to comprehend why she could say things that are so hurtful. I do my best to ignore those comments. I don't know, does she not realize what she's saying? Anywho, hopefully with time I'll do better with not letting those comments affect me, it's just that I'm so sensitive these days. Alice1987 Thanks so much for your continued support, it really means a lot. I know logically that the rape wasn't my fault. My mom is into this whole, you shape your world thing, and if something happens it's not God's fault it's ultimately yours. It's hard, because I've never blamed God for what happened to me, and I know it's not my fault.........so the rapist is to blame. However my mom never ever wants to blame the rapist. Appearantly, it's not about him, it's about me. And it's like everytime she gets an opportunity she likes to imply that it's my fault, and she doesn't realize how much that hurts, and that that is the last thing I need to hear, espicially from my mother. I mean, how is being set-up by my friend, my fault? And she trivializes the fact that I've been raped all of the time. She was ready for me to move on from day one. Her point of view is: you're not dead, so what's the problem. Move on, it's all in your head. But she doesn't realize that it isn't that easy. For the first 2 months after the rape I wouldn't let myself think about the fact that it happened. And then I lost it. You can only ignore things for so long before the jump out and get you. Anywho, I've tried so many ways to get her to understand how I'm feeling, but she just doesn't get it. Lostlove Maybe you're right. Maybe she does blame herself. So maybe she feels that ignoring it or trivializing it will make everyone feel better, espicially her. I mean, the thing that hurts most is that I've been punished by my parents as a result of being raped. I mean, I required more after the rape. More money (therapy), etc. And so they took things away from me, things they promised I could have. Originally my mother promised (over the course of many, many years) that she would pay for me to go to graduate school. Now........because I had to stay in school a little longer, she isn't paying for graduate school anymore. And my parents treat me like I'm an inconvience. It's almost like they resent me. They resent me because I'm not a child, which means that they can't make me do whatever they'd like. And they used to resent me because I wasn't like the other 23 year old, I wasn't supporting myself. But I think they resent me less now, because I have a job and am able to pay for most of the things that I need, except therapy. I felt horrible because being raped came with a lot of emotional problems, etc. that I wasn't able to handle. so for a little while i couldn't work, and I couldn't do my school work. I felt like they were constantly rubbing that in my face, when I was already aware of where I was having difficulty. It wasn't easy for me either. I mean, it's like there mad at me for being raped. They never bring up the rapist, it's always me, and the things that I'm not doing well enough. And I just try to make them see that I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. And then it's like they get upset with me because I'm sad at times. And I'm going to be sad. My life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to handle things. Although I've grown a lot, there are still things that happened to me because of the rape, and I don't know how to deal with everything yet. And it's only when I break down in tears, that they back off. They don't know how much stress I'm under. And they want to critize me because of my weight. I've put on at least 60lbs. since the rape. I just........I don't know. Eating food is a normal thing and it keeps my mind pre-occpupied. And for at least 6 months after the rape I had a major fear of being small. I don't know, I guess I thought, in my mind that being small played a role in my being raped. SoI kept eating and eating because it made me feel safe. And I did my best to make myself look unattractive so that men wouldn't stare. Anywho, now I'm getting a little less fearful. But me becoming less fearful doesn't do anything to the weight I purposefully put on when I was terrified of being small. So I just want them to understand that yes, I'm interested in losing a little weight now, but don't harp on me for not losing 40lbs in a month. I don't know. I wish they'd just stop harping on me for a little while and give me some room to breath, because I already feel like I'm suffocating. @ -)-(--- Thanks for your help ---)-(-@ It's so nice to be able to sit here on a rainy Saturday and participate in Enotalone. When I was living on my own I was able to read through all of the posts. It was so much fun being able to read through everyone's stories and think of things to say that might be able to help someone in need. It r eminds me of how I was able to find joy in the little things. I realize how much my life has changed since I lost my place (tornado), and had to move back in with my parents. I really miss those days.

I feel so resentful towards my mother. Since my sexual assult she has said some of the most hurtful and damaging things. She's implied on numerous occasions that the rape was my fault although she denies that she's done so and seems unaware of when she's doing it. When did my mother become so hurtful? Or was she always that way? It seems like, when you're a child (or far beyond in my case) you think of your mother as all-knowing, right in everyway. My mother and I have been in a control struggle for the past 3 years, and it surprises me how ruthless she can become when she feels she is losing the battle. I've allowed her to be in control of my life for so long because I honestly didn't know any better. Now that I want to be my own person I'm met with constant negativity and spite. I have so much I'm attempting to deal with and work through, how am I suppose to work through this as well? Has anyone had any similar experiences? Will you please share with me how you were able to cope with all of the hurtful remarks and slicing commets??? @ -)---(--Thanks --)---(- @ ~Grace

I'm soooo depressed. I eat constantly. I go to the vending machine constantly at work, like a robot. I eat absent-mindedly. It's not even about the food or weight anymore. I'm just really unhappy. I frequently have to blink back tears while sitting at my computer at work. My boyfriend may be away for a year and a half. He doesn't want me to come and live where he is. And he keeps saying that he'll come up here "soon". But he period of time that he'll be away keeps increasing. I feel so rejected. I'm just not where I want to be at all. And I don't know where to go or what to do. I just feel like crying. I have nothing else I can say to him. Everything is out of my control. I wish my job was more physically demanding. I could move around a lot and keep my mind occupied. It seems the only way to distract myself at work is by taking a walk to the vending machine. Work is okay when I'm kept busy. But half of the time there isn't work to do, yet I have to act like I'm busy. So I day dream, about my less than promising future. About how I would like to decorate the apartment I'll have with my boyfriend...although it looks unlikely. Or how maybe one day I'll enjoy going to work because I'll actually have a happy life outside of work to balance it. Or I think about how I have to go to my school to work out papers associated with graduation. And I hate that place to much. And I don't want anyone to see me because I look so horrible compared to the way I did before. And I'm embarrased, and I feel broken, and I half told myself that I wouldn't have to go through this anytime soon. Orginally I didn't care about the date on my diploma, I just wanted to be finished with classes. I wanted to receive my diploma in the mail, that was going to be my gift to myself. But I've allowed my parents to guilt me into going back to the place I hate most, sitting through a long and boring ceremony next to people I don't know, and plastering a fake smile on my face while they enjoy themselves at my expense once more. And if it weren't bad enough that I had to go back to graduate, now I have to make an extra trip to apply for graduation. My school is all about appearances. On the website it has a link where you can apply for graduation......more false promises. It is totally bogus and has dates for 2001 and 2010!!!! I called the registrars office and guess what she told me? "We don't do applications for graduation online". Ya think?! Then why to you have that option 'availble' online when you know full-well it's B.S.? I'll tell you why, because they want to decieve prospective students and their parents. This is not and isolated occurrence, it's quite ordinary. Anywho, it's too much. How much am I suppose to take, deal with? What am I suppose to do? Suggestions anyone?

It wasn't just a one time mistake....the kissing may have been a "one time mistake", but the lying to him wasn't. How is he ever suppose to trust you again? If you were so sorry, then why did you lie to him? He came to you looking for honesty, and you betrayed him again. Cheating can be forgiven, but it's hard to trust a person how lies to you in your face, and leaves you feeling like an idiot for asking. I sugguest you go to him and tell him the truth, tell him that you're sorry for betraying him not once, but many times.

Whew!!! It's be such a long day, and I'm actually glad to be home, can you believe it?! Work is soooooooo boring! There used to be enough work to keep me busy, but not anymore. Early I was so frustrated because I felt I had come to the end of my rope when it comes to living at home with my mom. But then my boyfriend called and made me laugh the entire time we were on the phone, that made me feel a lot better. My mom puts sooooo much pressure on me to lose weight, I wish she'd just lay off sometimes. Sometimes I really don't like her. I guess it's just that, when a person does hurtful things for so long, you begin to dislike being around them. I'm at a place where I'm working hard to protect myself because I seem so sensitive when it comes to many things. It's just apart of who I am right now. I don't like feeling attacked, when I feel uneasy I can't truly relax or unwind. I've been unable to relax for way too long now. I'm starting to become resentful, and I don't want to be that way. I feel like the relationship I have with my mother is on the verge of becoming a disaster. This isn't the first time I've felt this way, but I've had space, in the past. How are things suppose to get better when we're living under the same roof? I'm waiting until I return from seeing my boyfriend before working a second job. Waiting is the hardest thing to do these days. I know getting my own place would help me heal big time. I've always wanted to be able to support myself. I'll be a true adult then. But then I think of my kitten. If I'm working two jobs she'll be all alone. My parents won't babysit her because she craps all over the place, LOL!!! Before I had her I thought all cats were born potty trained. Guess not. Anywho, I don't know. I'm hoping that seeing my boyfriend will help relax me. And if I'm working to jobs maybe I won't be home long enough for my parents (mostly my mom) to annoy me. Well, I'm off, I'll probably write more later. Thanks for listening!!! ~Grace

I think it would be hard to find a man who'd want to marry you if you wouldn't have sex with him.....unless of course you had no problem with him sleeping with other women.

I'm through. You know, maybe I'm the one with the problem. I'm upset with my boyfriend because he doesn't seem to care that our relationship is long-distance!!! I'm waiting around for my boyfriend lately. Putting my whole life on hold planning for our future. I mean, who even knows what the future holds. I think I should let go. I don't need to plan for our future anymore. We're not even married. I just need to plan for my future. When he technically proposes, moves out here, and puts that ring on my finger, then, then I can start planning for two. I think that's what has been depressing me. Because who knows what can happen in a year. And now he's telling me it may be more than a year before he comes out here. I mean really, how does he thinks that makes me feel? He keeps pushing things back, I can't rely on that. I need to stop relying on other people. I think it might be challenging considering that I'm so used to doing it. I mean, I can't really be upset with him. He has his own dreams and ambitions. I have my own dreams and ambitions as well. However I've been holding out. Putting our relationship first. I shouldn't be doing that. I should put me first, just as he's putting himself first. I'm going to have fun before I get married. He wants the 3 bedroom/3bathroom apartment, but I like the 2 bedroom/2bathroom. And you know what? I'm going to get the one I want. I'm going to put the things I like inside of it, and I'm going to be the single, pretty, independent woman I've always wanted to be. Of course I still love my boyfriend, and I still expect that we'll get married in the future, but that's not going to be my focus anymore. Why are men so complicated?!!! He wants me to be patient, but it's hard. It's hard knowing that I would do anything it takes for us to be closer, and he won't. I said I would quit my job and move out there with him, but he doesn't want that, yet he won't move out here with me. He could always take classes at the state university out here and have the classes transferred to his school back there, but he doesn't even want to consider it!!!! I mean, I can't be the one who wants it more than he does. But then it's not like I can do anything about it. Everyone is there own person and he wants to finish school. Not like I'm objecting to that at all. But there is a way he can finish school without transferring. He can complete his classes out here and have his grade transferred. Anywho, I'm frustrated. But that's just my problem. I'm much too dependent on my boyfriend. ](*,)

Hey there Guys!!! Thank you so much for the encouragement, it makes makes me feel that things aren't as bad as they seem.

Hey Guys!!! It's another day. I'm sitting up here in my office taking a break from training. I'm listening to the sunscreen song, for anyone who hasn't heard it before, it's great. I started feeling the exact same way I felt the last time I heard it. I was in my apartment in Alabama then. Going day-to-day just trying to keep my sanity and figure out what was going on inside. Whew! I'm glad to say that I'm far away from that place. I didn't realize how much I've improved. I was so depressed back then, wayyyy more than I am now. I don't know how my boyfriend was able to put up with me. I was walking around in a cloud, living a nightmare, I wasn't even apart of this world for a while, I don't know where my head was. But I'm happy now. Happy to know that I'm not there anymore. It's weird how things can trigger memories and feelings. I put on the sunscreen song, and I got hella chills. Crazy. I was transported back to that time, weird. I'm so much better off in California. Gosh, I'm glad I'll be staying here. There is nothing for me in Alabama. If I moved back there............I don't know, would I return to that same state of mind? Scary. Well, I guess now I can appreciate that my life isn't that bad. I've completely cut off parts of the past year. I won't relive certain things, even in my memory. Strange huh? Those moments of pure living hell and agony, I've erased them from my mind (or so I think). I can't recall them, I know they happened (those moments), and I know they've gone. And that's all I care to know. And I hope I'll never have to revisit those times again, and I hope I'll never have to be in the situation where I'll have to explain them to other people. Whew. I honestly had no clue of how horrible, torturous and scary life could be....I'm glad that's over. Well, I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your day. Sincerely, Grace

EvaGina Hey There! Thanks so much for the response. I'm really sorry to hear about your assualt. It really does suck. I understand stand the emotions your talking about. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. Sometimes I wonder how long the healing process will take. And then, sometimes I feel like I'll give up. Sometimes I get tired of wondering. I do my best to just accept where I am, but it's not always easy. What can you say, sometimes life is just so hard to comprehend. Juilana Thank you so much! I feel hopefully. It sounds so pleasant to think that one day I can put the "book" away. It would be lovely. Thanks for telling me the it's okay not to understand evil. I think that eventually, I'll stop trying. It's really hard to believe that people can be so sinister and that you can't always pick up on it. It's hard not to feel, "less than" or vunerable. Sometimes it's just hard not to cry. ***Thank you guys for being so understanding

I went to therapy tonight. It was okay. I really needed it. I feel better. I'm going to work on getting out of my parents house by summer. I love my parents, but they make a lot of flipant remarks. My mother is judgemental and my father, well, he doesn't get the notion of "I need some space". Anywho, I have to look out for myself. I want to get better too, and I need to get out of this house to do so. I just feel......I don't know. Part of me feels glad that I'll have something to work towards. And part of me feels so sad. Sad that I can't rely on my parents when I need them the most. Sorry that they'll never understand or be able to empathize with what I've gone through, and not just the rape, but everything else too. Sad that they don't see how much the things they say and do hurts me. I'm so emotional these days, I cry so frequently, but at least now I realize that I'm this way for a reason. Thinking about those reason makes me a little bit sadder. But there is hope, good news, I think that living on my own will help me greatly. I'll have a place where I can go to relax, to think, to be. I won't have to walk around with my guard up all of the time. I think I'd smile more. I can be me without being critized by my family. I can breathe. I think the weight and confidence will gradually come back when I reclaim my personal space. I didn't realize how much I really needed to be on my own. I'm happy thinking about it....well I feel more peaceful thinking about it. My boyfriend and I have settled on the 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom apartment. I, personally, feel more comfortable with the idea of the 2 bedroom, 2 bath. So, my boyfriend will be away for about a year. Maybe I could live in the two bedroom and move to the 3 bedroom when he arrives. I need a place that I can afford. If I get a second job I'll be able to afford the 3bd. but will I be able to live comfortably? No. So...I think I'll get the 2 bd. and move when he gets here. I want to get better, I really do, and at least now I have a better idea of how I'll do that. I'll be living on my own. I can't believe it. I'll be supporting myself, my own money. I really like that idea. Although I'm a little too tired and _____ to really appreciate it at this moment. Well, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. ~Grace I feel so sad right now. I think about the rape more frequently than I care to, but I mostly think about the events preceding it. And I feel so sad. I think about how that girl was so happy, weeks before the rape. Isn't that sad. I never seriously thought about it before, but now it hurts. She knew I was going to be raped, and she was so happy about setting me up! How could I have not been tipped off about her behavior. Over a date, she doesn't get that happy about anything. And at the time I thought she was happy to play match-maker. Now.......now that I understand.......how could a person be so cruel?! And why? To be so happy in anticipation of the horrible thing she was about to do. I mean, she did so many horrible things, but.......I don't know, as time goes by I see more. I can actually see things more clearly as time passes and it only yields more pain. I can see her facial expressions, that look on her face, her laugh, how thrilled she was...and I was so stupid!!! How could I be so stupid, the whole time! The whole time! And I could only see it when it was too late. It's like watching a movie, and realizing that I'm the dumb one, obilvious to everything. Why weren't my eyes opened? Why was I so blind? And I remember thinking that her behavior was strange. She was doing strange things, and I just dismissed it. I told myself that everyone is different, and it was no big deal, just her quirky-ness. And I feel so sick. So sick. I mean she knew so much about me. About how much I had been through. About the abusive relationship, and the stalker. She knew how much crap I had been through. Everything, and it was all just a game. Why was I so nice to her? I should have kept my distance. I should have known. The signs were there. But I just thought she was human, and thereforeeee different than me. I didn't know that she was evil. I didn't believe that she would do anything to hurt me. But I should have. Time and again she showed me that she didn't have my best interest at heart. But they were such small things. Things stated in conversations. Bad suggestions. Why me? Was I such an easy target? Was I so much fun to torture. Why did she find me being raped to be fun and exciting? Why did she hurt me after I had already been hurt so much? Again and again and again, she found ways to hurt me more. She used me when I was in shock. She kept tabs on me, tried to keep me from telling. She even had me drive 30min. to take out her trash under the pretense that she had a puppy who she forgot to leave food out for. Needless to say when I got there, there was no puppy in sight. How could she be so cruel. I was hurting and in pain...so much pain, and you want to add insult on top of extreme injury...and have me go out of my way to empty your trash!!! I can't get over that hurt just yet. How could I have let someone so evil get so close to me and not even know it? She was a snake, I didn't see her, and she bit me, and I'm still trying to bleed out the poison. How do I get it out of my system? And I was pretty, and slim, and........afterwards, I put on so much weight and she lost so much weight.....and then she was pretty and thin. Does that mean anything? And she tried to buy me off?! She wanted to buy me something to hush me up and make everything all better. What? What did she think? Did she think that buying me something would erase all of the things that she did. That it would make up for her setting me up and trying to shut me up and for him raping me? That b****! And I almost killed myself because of her. Because of the things she told me that he said, and she laughed!!!! She laughed!!! What's so funny about me being raped?! What's so funny! I'm hurt and angry and crying and all she can do is laugh and say "you're so funny!" I'm so broken because of this whole mess, because of everything, and all I can think about is her laughing at me. Am I that worthless? I felt so ashamed, ripped, and broken.......

Hey Guys!!! I was just watching this episode of dateline and.....well, it was about this rape that occurred. I just want to say THANK YOU GUYS SO VERY MUCH!!! I've just thought of the things I've been through and there has always been someone from this community to love and support me. And it means the world. Rape is always complicated, never clear or easy, and always hard to discuss. Whenever I've needed to vent, or cry, or scream, or comtimplated a new way of thinking, enotalone has been here for me. I mean, this is the best resource ever! Thank you guys! You've affected my life in only the most wonderful ways! @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Okay, now I guess I'll talk about my feelings, LOL! Anywho, first of all, thinking about rape makes my head hurt. I can talk about the crazy emotions I have as a result of it........ But it's complicated. And sometimes the whole 'rape thing' gets old even for me. It's so exhausting. I don't know, it feels like the side-effects (aftermath) of rape is so long and drawn out. I just want to be happy, ya know. Why is happiness so hard to come by these days? I want things to be simple. I mean, I just want to lose weight. Why does everything tie into something else? I just want to be okay. It's like no matter what, I don't do what is necessary to lose weight! It's ridiculously crazy!!! I always thought that if you could acknowledge something you could change it. I've acknowledged that I have a phobia of being thin (check). I can acknowledge that I have no real incentive to lose weight (check). And last but not least I've acknowledge that I just simply need to lose weight (check). I want to like myself again. I want to stop being suicidal. I want so many things right? Part of me doesn't want to feel. I wish there was a magic pill that could make me feel all better. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Anywho, this lady went to the police after her rapist sent her an apology letter after the fact. I believe she did the right thing. I don't think I'll ever be in that situation, because I already reported it. I feel like I've left the punishment part in the hands of the law. I wouldn't want to go to court. I think that it would be too much to go to court. Personally I don't want to see him, or Ariel again. I don't know. I don't think I have that much of a problem with the rapist and his accomplice anymore (or maybe I'm in denial), I just have a problem with all of the emotions. I'm tired of being sad about it. I'm tired of being angry with myself. And I'm so angry with myself.....because I couldn't protect me. That's hurts more than anything.......more than being betrayed and set-up by a close friend, more than being raped............I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me. That I couldn't foresee or stop it. I can't seem to move past that. I mean........okay, maybe I should just admit that they were smarter than me. They were much smarter. They set me up, and I didn't have a clue. Maybe it's a fun game they like to play. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. Who know, they are childhood friends, they could have been doing it for years. But when did she decide to do it? I mean, she knows other people. Was it because I was close to her? Was it because I was just too easy a target? I mean, who would care if the side-effects weren't so horrible? I mean.........I don't know. When he raped me, it really really hurt. And then everything else. I mean it makes me head swim. There is absolutely no way I will ever be able to digest this, too much cruelty at once. And that's all that I walk away with. I walk away knowing that the world is full of cruelty and I can't understand it. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ I'm confused. I'm soooooo confused. Okay, how can I live life when I am no longer blind to the fact that in an instant my life can be completely destroyed and I can do nothing about it. Then, I know God loves me, and I know man has free will (okay this is just a piece I'm trying to fit into everything else, I'm trying to find out where this belongs). Then I realize I was raped, I realize I was betrayed and set up by a friend. That is so clear right? Why do I feel confused about that. I can put all of the pieces together of before, during, and after the rape (aside from moments when I blacked out). Okay, that's okay in my mind. I guess that hardest thing is all of these disorders. I mean maybe the chronic post traumatic stress disorder is making things hard. Or the anxiety disorder, or the depression. I feel like I don't have my brain. I feel like things aren't in order. I have these crazy emotions and then a bunch of thoughts just floating around in my head. I guess I just want to connect the thoughts and the emotions. I just want to cry because I feel like, after the rape, my brain fell apart. And it seemed to get worse as time progressed. How long does post traumatic stress disorder last? I should look that up on the internet. I stopped taking my depression medication so that I could lose weight. My parents are glad, they've never liked me being on medicine. My mom believes that me not being on medicine shows my strength. I don't feel very strong so that made me feel better. Without the medicine, I feel. I feel more human. But with the medicine, my brain works better, I function much better. I'm not sure what to do. Why I am so sad? When does rape ever just go away?

Hey There Guys!!! Thank you so very much for your support!!! ~Grace

I am so frustrated. My parents are getting on my freakin nerves! I can't trust them, they are not supportive. I'm just like, leave me alone, ya know. You're not helping, stay away, stop making my situation worse. They are totally self-centered, and the older the get the more crazy about money they get. I'm just like, grrrrrrrrr!!!! I mean, I have a job that sucks!!!! Why does it suck? Because it's stupid easy and they don't pay me what I'm worth. I should be getting paid twice what I'm getting, ya know. And my boyfriend is far away and I may be away from him for as long as a year. That in itself is so disturbing and nobody gets that! He is the only person I trust and I'm having extreme separation anxiety. Being away from him is torture for me. And he's so far away. And I would be happy, so happy if I could just be with him. But I can't live with him because he wouldn't let me, and I've been rejected all the way around. Am forced into this situation and I have no way out. I'm still living with my parents. It sucks! And with this job I don't have enough money to move out on my own. Hopefully I'll be getting a new job soon that pay much, much more money (someone is working on it for me, thank goodness!). I mean, I'm a college graduate and I'm not even on salary. School secretaries with no degrees make me more me, I feel like crap. I'm so sad, this is horrible. My life feels like it's going down the toilet. And I'll a want is my apartment and my boyfriend and that's that. I mean. But then I'm scared because how do I know that my apartment will be safe. I mean, the last one was destroyed be a tornado!!! I'm so sad. I don't trust anything anymore. I can't really get excited about a good thing because I don't know how long it will last. And I feel so sick, I feel like I want to throw up. I hate my life. I hate being scared all the time. I mean, I don't feel safe ever. It was the abuse and then the stalking and then the rape, and then that close friend betraying me, what else is there. I'm damaged. Life is cruel, that's what it is. And there is no one to save or comfort me. I don't feel safe. I don't know that I ever will. But I feel safe around my boyfriend. Maybe it's because he was there shortly after it happened, and he took care of me. Maybe that's it. How long do I have to wait. ......great!!!! My dad just knocked on my door and said he wanted to give me a suggestion! What is with these people and their damn suggestions! They're just control freaks, anyways. I just want to give up. Give up! How am I suppose to spend a year without my boyfriend?!!! Huh? I mean, he wants to get his college degree, fine. But then he doesn't want me to stay with him where he is, but he'll eventually come up here and we'll stay together. What is going on? I'm just so tired. Sometimes I think about not being here anymore. Sometimes I really feel it would be a solution. It's just too much. things get to be too overwhelming. I can't understand things anymore. This world makes absolutely no sense to me. None at all. I stuggle on, trying to surpress my feelings, but sometimes they just come out. And sometimes I just really, really want to be left alone.

I'm sad. Things are going okay for the most part though. I've stopped taking my medicine, I haven't been to therapy in months, and I'm so emotional lately. I'm kind of glad I stopped taking my medicine because I didn't feel like a human on them. I had to stop in order to shed some pounds. I'm just so emotional lately, and I cry, more than I care to. I'm just so sensitive about things. Really sad about the rape. Grieving is a long process, I'm realizing that. But every stage feels different. I see how I've improved but at times I feel like I've digressed. I get emotional if I see anything on T.V. relating to sexual assult. I don't feel comfortable being around people in a social environment, because I don't trust those around me. I do work now, but I miss my boyfriend. Being away from him is killing me, and I'm so confused. And I'm worried too I think. I have to take care of myself, but with my emotions being what they are I feel incapable of doing that. I don't feel comfortable talking about that incident anymore, I don't really want people to know. Things just seem so hard. I'm proud that I've been hanging in there as best as I can, but that doesn't make it easy. I don't know what to do. My therapist is still out of town, I haven't seen her in months. There is another therapist at her office that I could talk to, but he's a man and I don't want that. It's hard. I don't feel supported in the way I wish I was. I miss my boyfriend. He protects me, and takes care of me, and loves me, and tries to understand me. Right now, that is no one else in the world who can do that. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I get so tired of being sad, but at the same time I try to be patient with myself. I try so hard to be as optimistic as I can. But I feel trapped. I feel so trapped. I don't know where to go. It's awful. I just can't wait for my boyfriend to move out here. Then we can be okay and work through things together. I feel so alone here, so isolated. I hate it. And it's hard you know, because I have really good friends. I've got about 3 close friends that I can trust and depend on, who have been there for me in the past. And because of that girl who betrayed me, I'm finding it hard to trust. Even those people that have proven their love to me and for me. It's not fair, it's not fair to them or to me. How do I change that? How do I make myself better? How do I make it so that I don't let that person's horrible deeds affect my relationship with my true friends. Sometimes I think I hate her. I have more disdain for her than I do for the rapist. She betrayed me in a way that hurt beyond words. Just because she could, she did such an evil thing just because she could. And I was nothing but a good friend to her. And when I was hurt and confused afterwards, she continued to use me, to her advantage, until (with the help of others) I realized..........I was able to begin digesting the type of person that she truly was. How could someone be so cruel? How could someone do that to another human being. She had no sympathy, no regrets, she didn't care what she had done. She set out to destroy my life and didn't give a thought to using me after that. I can't and never will be able to understand an evil such as that. And I'm here. And I'm surviving, God is helping me to live at this point. Things seem to be moving in a positive direction but sometimes I still get discouraged. I don't even feel like I can look towards the future sometimes.......what future? Anything could happen at anytime and destoy every wonderful thing I've ever wanted or planned for in life. I'm aware of that, every second of everyday. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And I have to live. It's true sometimes life got so unbearable that I almost ended it. But I really don't want to commit sucide, because what if that sends me to hell? God keeps sparing my life, so I keep living, and to be honest sometimes it's down-right painful. It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you're experiencing such horrible pain. I don't know what I want anymore. It's getting hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like sometimes I think it's an opening at the end of the tunnel, but it's really the headlights of a train coming my way. Will all of this take much longer? It's true, things are getting better, but at such a slow pace. It's almost been a year, and I can't believe it. It doesn't feel that way because I been living in the aftermath every day since. Isn't that horrible?! Every day since, life has been more than a struggle, and at many times a living hell. Why? Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why do the victims carry all the pain?! It's so backwards, it just doesn't make any sense to me. None at all. It should be that way. It's like being victimized every single day. And the guilty are out there living life and having fun. I know their time will come. Maybe it'll come slowly, just like my recovery is slow. I know they'll get their punishment, that makes me feel better. It makes me feel good to be able to say it and believe. Because in the past, I don't think I really believed it. My mind was in another stratosphere (sp?) It'll be okay. That's what my boyfriend keeps telling me, and it makes me feel so good to here that. And he tells me that I've improving. I don't know, it makes my grieving ok. It doesn't make me feel like a horrible person because I'm not over it. I don't know. I feel much more true to myself now. I don't know if it's the healing power of time, or lack of medicine. I just remember that I used to feel...hard. Like a hardened super-hero character or something. I didn't feel like me. I felt unnatural, like I had to be hardcore in order to protect myself. But of course things change with time. And all of the crying......I kind of just let it come, except when I'm at work, I then do my best to hold it back. I feel better in a lot of ways. I actually get my hair done weekly, I wear makeup more frequently, I enjoy working and I do well on the job. I guess those are things I should be proud of. I guess I realize that everything takes its time, no matter how painful it my be. I just really needed to talk to someone about everything. Thanks for listening. ~Grace

I'm turning a corner. Things have been...well, less than perfect. I think I'm able to grieve a little bit more these days. I'm tired of this person I see in the mirror everyday, and I've decided to change her. I don't even know who I've really been. I know that I'm a changed person after the rape and everything that has gone on in my life. But I'm finally at a place where I can actually cry about it, and not feel guilty for it. I can now accept the fact that I've been hurt and let the tears come when they need to. I had been stuffing myself silly with food. My body is now carrying 70lbs. more than it should be. And I've felt uncomfortable, and sick, and still I would eat. Anything to keep from feeling pain. But now, I'm ready to face it. I went to bed last night, and everytime I looked in the mirror I didn't like what I saw. I looked and felt ugly to me. All of that pain I've been dealing with in the wrong way is so ugly. And I just can't take any more of that. So I'm going on the lemonade diet. It's something I've done in the past and it really works. I been so afraid to lose the weight, the weight that makes me feel safe and comfortable. I've already been damaged, why do I need to damage myself anymore. I'm so tried of being damaged and I realize I don't deserve it anymore. I'm ready to seriously work through my pain. I can't live like this anymore. Making myself sick everyday and feeling unable to stop. That won't be me anymore. I won't hurt myself anymore because someone else has hurt me. I know that I'm a beautiful person inside and out, and that's what I'm going to be. I've hated myself so much for that has happened to me. But I won't anyone. I won't hate myself for hurting, for wanting to cry, for showing what I feel is weakness. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm not a super-strong, invincible woman. That's not me. I'm much more sensitive than I'd ever like to admit. I don't care who gets upset with me, or what they do. But I'm hurting, and I can't hold back the tears anymore. And I'm going to keep working and trying my hardest to get through this. I won't let it destroy my life or body. And I hate being afraid, I hate it, but I can't run from my fears any longer. I just can't.

Hey There!!! How are you doing? I can understand where you're coming from completely. I know it can be really hurtful and hard when people throw out simple, possible "cure alls" to deep, complex problems. I don't believe that you are choosing to have a pity party for yourself (although I'm sure that some people do). Sorry Ren, I just had to get that off of my chest. Anywho, I can understand where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situation. I will be with someone on Christmas also, but will be alone for the rest of the holidays. I'm struggling with the aftermath of rape, among other things. And I totally can relate to being unable to control your emotions. I've experienced emotions that I can't even describe, and I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with them as well. If you just need someone to talk to or chat with during this rough time, feel free to PM me. And I promise I'll log in to enotalone everyday during the holiday season, just to see if you sent me something and want to chat. I know that during the holidays it can be espicially rough because you're all alone and have a lot of quiet and reflective time. Unfortunately that's not always the best thing, because you can have some pretty horrible flashbacks. I find that keeping the television on and surfing the net really helps kill some of the loneliness and other emotions (although it doesn't always help). PM me whenever you need to, I'll be here. My sincere, best wishes ~Grace

Hey There!!! My name is Grace, and I've been in an abusive relationship before, so I think I might be able to help. Your boyfriend is never going to want you to get counseling (even though he pretty much refers to you as a mental case). He knows you're not crazy or delusional. He is doing his best to break you down mental so that he can control you. He is probably telling your neighbors lies about your mental condition, simply so you won't feel like you can turn to them for help. He wants you too feel like he's everywhere, that's he's omnipresent, sees and knows everything. He wants you to be so fearful that you never try to seek help or escape. Naturally he is more abusive and controlling towards you since you've returned. He wants to punish you so badly that you never comtemplate leaving him again. He was probably so afraid when you left, and when he got you back I'm sure he promised himself that he wouldn't let you get away again. I know you're embarrased about going to work with bruises. And you're right. He'll probably beat you before your interview so that you won't go. I'm sure he knows that money=independence. And the last thing he wants is for you to be independent. Have you ever thought about calling an abuse hotline? Is there a pay phone that you can access? I'm sure your boyfriend goes to work right? That's a time you can seek help for yourself until you're strong enough to leave (although I know you're probably so exhausted right now that you don't even want to think about leaving again). He wants you to sleep with other men in front of him so that he has a justified reason to call you a "w****". He wants to hang extreme guilt and shame over your head. He wants power over you at any cost, including any fidelity you share with him. I know you may have a hard time keeping thing from him. Right now he may be the only person you feel close to, or that you have any type of relationship with. You may even rely on him to help you feel better from time to time. You may look to him for love and encouragement even though you know that's unlikely. I would definitely suggest that you seek help from anyone trust worthy. Do you have any family? You should try the abuse hotline definitely. This guy you slept with, was this a random stranger? Is it one of his friends? Is it someone you may be able to reach out to for help? Normally I wouldn't suggest it, but if he was a half-way decent person maybe you could reach out to him for help (desperate times call for desperate measures). Do you have any male cousins? Sometimes it helps to have a male who can match your abuser in strength. If you ever need to remove your things out of the house later having a strong male there could be helpful. I hope things get better for you.