Gracelove

2blessed2Bestressed Oh my gosh!!!! You've read all of my threads from beginning to end!!! I'm so flattered. I've thought about the fact that he might try to sue me for defamation, but at this point I don't really care. I've basically fallen apart, I can hold myself together on the outside, but on the inside I have so much crap to deal with I don't even see how I can being to work through it. I appreciate your advice and support. However, I do believe that he would have more to lose from attempting to sue me for defamtion. I am a kind and loving person, but I've just about had it. And if he were to ever do such a thing like that, after raping me, I think he'd have more to fear than I ever will. I'm through, I'm holding my life together as best as I can. But everyone has a limit. A human can only take so much. And if he tried to push that limit, even just a little bit, he'd wish he was never born. I do believe in Jesus, he is the only one who is keeping me together at this point. And I'm doing my hardest to keep it together. So if my rapist wanted to do something stupid like attacking me again (via the legal system) because I've told the truth, he'll have hell to pay. And I'm dead serious. Anywho, that's just a little message for him, in case one say he decides to read my post. And can figure out which of the many women he's raped, that I am. I really do appreciate the support of everyone in this community. I wish I could participate more at times. Sometimes I'm unable to reply like I want to. I actually have a new therapist now that I'm at home. I went to see her for the first time yesterday. I guess my mother filled her in on the things I was dealing with before the rape. My therapist said i have a lot to deal with, and it's true. I've been...I don't know...I guess trying to ignore things. Trying to ignore what I truly feel inside, minimizing the situations so that I can function in this life. It's getting harder though. Much harder. I've half numbed myself. And now I'm in therapy, and I'm afraid. Afraid of the rage that may be inside. Afraid that this healing process may take years. Upset that someone else's actions could pretty much ruin my life. Disappointed that I was drugged, because I really would have liked to beat my rapists' * * *. I promise you I would have sent him to the emergency room if I had a chance. And he probably would have arrived without a penis. I'm angry with that for sure. I finally realized when they first drugged me. It was at dinner. And I know why they were all just looking at me the way they did when I made mention of the alcohol and how I felt. And why I could hear Ariel asking questions about my drink when I was a mess, while we were at the club. I'm trying to channel the hurt, vunerability, and extreme pain I feel into losing weight. I'm trying not to get bent on revenge. Because when I set my mind to something I'm a force to be reckoned with. I want to be the Grace I once was. I want to be happy. I just want to be me. the me I used to be was such a beautiful person. I don't want to lose her. There is so much at stake, ya know. My life. My life is at stake. But I am stronger. I have a new strength. A silent strength. I know I can depend on myself. I know that no one will hurt me that way again. Because I'll be prepared. I'm definitely working on turning myself/my body into....for lack of a better word, a killing machine. So that if any man ever attacks me again, it'll be the last time he ever attacks anyone. I'm to that phase now. I will defend myself at all costs. My life is a work in progress. I don't think I can have many more breakdowns, I pretty much have a different way of dealing with things. Crying gets me no where, so i don't really cry much anymore. So the tears become something else, I haven't quite discovered what they become, but I know it's something that I can use to my advantage. I guess I pretty much have to bank on God punishing them better than I can. i know I have favor, I guess I should use it. Maybe if I focus on God destroying their lives, I'll feel a little more secure about mine, and my future. I guess you can see the reason I haven't been responding to many posts lately. I'm trying to work through my feelings. Trying to figure out how to make my life now, survivable. Thanks for your support and advice, it's greatly appreciated.

Guys, things are soooo tough lately. I'm at home in California now. I think returning home for me is good, but I don't know, I think I'm becoming more sensitive about the rape. I went through this stage where I could tell people, ya know. That I was raped and now suffer from depression. It made me feel good. I felt like by telling people I was escaping the shame. I just wanted to put it all out there so I wouldn't feel like I had anything to hide or be ashamed of. Now, I feel more self-conscious about it. And really sad. And then there was this situation with my boyfriend a couple of days ago. He is watching my cat and fish while I'm gone. And my favorite fish died because he didn't feed it for three days!!! Then he tells me that my fish is dead. He just says it. He doesn't try to break it to me by saying "I have bad news..." or anything. And he totally acted like he didn't care at all. There was no remorse or anything. I was sooooo hurt and upset. And I was sure to tell him that. And then he does this 180-thing on me. He gets upset with me. Because I was upset with him. And he had a rough and busy week at work, and he forgot. But the thing is, before I left I told him that I would bring the fish to his house. He told me "no", that he would drive over to my house everyday to feed my fish. And he just doesn't understand. There was a period of time when all I had were fish to keep me company, and I was really attached to them. And that was during the time where I was running from my ex, and moving, and trying to deal with a really mean, grumpy, and I-don't-know-what-else roomate. And I let people watch my fish for me, and they died. Now I have my own place, a safe place, and I think everything is going to be alright. And then my boyfriend doesn't feed my favorite fish and it dies! I just don't understand how he could be so insensitive about it! And I know he has done a lot for me. And I love him. Anyways, the past few days have been extra hard. He didn't even talk to me for more than a day. That hurts, espicially when he was in the wrong. But I apologized to him because I raised my voice at him when I was telling him how upset I was. I feel confused. I mean, he was willing to abandon me. Totally stop talking to me because I was hurt by something he did. So what do I have? I feel more vunerable than before. I just don't know what to do. How am I suppose to feel? Like we have an open relationship? Like I can express my emotions and feelings to him? I thought I could. And don't get me wrong, I really want to be with him still, I love him. I just, I feel........like there is no one I can really count on for sure. And it's not about the fish thing, it's the way he cut me off simply because I was greiving about it. It all sucks. I'm trying to hold myself together. I'm trying to be the mature person. I'm trying to make everything okay. But everything is not okay. I feel like I'm just pushing everything down, inside. And it's just going to stay there. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I'm....I don't quite know where to turn. I guess that's why I have friends, I guess I'll turn to them for help as well. I'm determined to make this relationship with my boyfriend work because I love him so dearly. Am I suppose to pretend like I'm not hurt by him killing my fish? I'm I always suppose to act like I'm not hurt by things he might do? Is that the only way I'll be able to keep him in my life? If that's the case, then it's worth it, but how to I manage my emotions? How do I hide my hurt feelings? Without him being upset that I'm not telling him everything? What do I do if I can't be me? What do I do if he doesn't want all of me? Am I living a lie? I don't want to constantly worry about him leaving me because I've offended him. I'm trying so hard to find myself. To be okay. This is just another uncertainty in my unstable world. Please help.....

Wow! I can tell you're hurting and going through a lot. There was a lot of craziness in your post, which I'm guessing means you're feeling that craziness inside. I can really sympathize with you. Things get so crazy. I gather that you've been abused, have you been raped also? You mentioned taking a pill. I feel for you. This life is very hard, and it seems...well, at least in my case...that you only really notice when a tragedy occurs. Life seems so wonderful and optimistic, at least it seems workable. I've been abused and raped. then life changes, it's like you're swimming upstream. Definitely keep writing. Get out the ugliness. I feel happy for you, that you can get some of it out. It feels good to get the ugliness out. I find that I can't always get it out, so you should continue to get it out when you can. I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. You're still here though. Congratulations. Because it truly is an accomplishment. I hope your day gets a little better. With love always ~Grace

I'm at home. I'm eating healthy, exercising, and facing one of my biggest fears.....losing weight. It may seem like a small thing, maybe even something to be excited about, but not to me. I don't feel that way. I feel sad, really nervous. Believe it or not my newly gained weight has been like a comforting blanket to me. A source of security. I feel safe with it, and now I'll be without it. I think I'm kind of accepting it. It's hard for me to cope with the fact that I'll be a smaller size. At my natural weight, it would be quite easy for any man to pick me up and toss me around. It's something I dread. I feel like, with a lot of extra weight I can't be thrown around. I feel much less attractive with extra weight as well, and that's comforting to me. Although in reality, rape has nothing to do with appearances, it hasn't deterred me from working to make myself look as unattractive as I possibly can. I've never liked men looking at me. And when I'm taking care of my body, and keeping up my appearances, they tend to look a lot more. I am afraid, and I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to think of all the wonderful things that can come with losing weight. Like......wearing all of the nice clothes in my closet, or.....I don't know, maybe even buying new clothes. I just don't know. I feel really down. My world is different now. I'm going to bite the bullet and get in shape, and take care of myself....but just the thought alone brings me discomfort. I hear about all of the pedophiles and rapists around. And I don't even know what to think about it anymore. I almost have no reaction. I think I'm pretty numb to it all. There are no consquences for the rapist that I can visually see. It's like, they get away with it, like people don't take it seriously, like it's normal. I don't know, but I think about me having a little girl someday. And I believe I'll be extremely protective of her. I'll always have my eye on those around her. And I must say, of course I think of violent things every now and then, in passing. I think that sexual predators should have a shot gun placed in their mouth and the trigger pulled. It's almost humorous considering that I hate seeing gore and violence. But....if someone ever touched my daughter.....I would probably kill them and take whatever consequences to come. Why are there so many evil people in the world??? Rapists just walk the planet, destroying lives at a whim, and then going on to enjoy their own lives. What can a person even say to that? I'm at a loss of words. It has become a part of normal to me. These rapists walking the planet have become a normal sight. I don't see things the way I used to. Who would have ever thought I'd ever struggle with the idea of being thin??? To make matters worse, I had lots of nightmares last night. One having to do with being small and men trying to attack me. In my dream I was pretty helpless to all of the bad happening to me. And I had pretty much accepted it as my fate in life. I guess it's kind of like I feel now.

What a day! I go home tomorrow, but I think I'm better about it now. My boyfriend talked to me about it yesterday and made me feel just so much better! He is the biggest sweet heart ever. I'm sleepy I must admit. And I'm not in the best condition right now. People screwed up my whole anti-depression-prescription thing. I bet by now you can tell that I don't care much. Anywho, I've been 4 days without my medication. Today they admitted their mistake (finally) and agreed to give me my medicine. I'm so tired. But things are okay. If I think about certain things, for just a moment, my mood can completely change and I can become very sad. Oh well, that's that I guess. I feel so sorry for all rape victims. I just felt like saying that. I'm a rape victim, but I don't always feel sorry for myself. I just get too used to things sometimes I guess. Oh well. Life is so interesting. I'm starting to remember that it isn't all bad. I guess I make it through just not thinking of things sometimes; or by living in a happy, fantasy world, a world where all bad things are ignored. It's not such a bad gift to have. I'm really excited about starting my diet when I get home. I am a self-proclaimed diet-queen. I can lose at least 20lbs. in a months time. I just can't wait for my boyfriend to see me when I get back. That's what makes me feel good. I want to be new again, happy again. I may even be able to see my counselor when I get back again. I think things will be okay. I don't know about the whole rape thing, that will always suck. But I think I can be okay again. It's all I really have to hope for.

Thanks Fallout! I guess I just feel sad about disappointing my parents. I would love to take a year off. I don't know. I guess I'll run it by them and see what they think. Thanks for your continued support. ~Grace

Thanks guys!!!!

I'm so tired. And sad too. Maybe I just need a counselor. I'm not doing too well. Someone at the pharmacy screwed up my meds and now I've been without medicine for 3 days. I don't know how long it will be before I get my medicine. I'm so disappointed in myself. This rape thing has got such a bad handle on me. It's not like I think about it constantly or anything. But I guess the depression is pretty bad. I'm so unhappy. I have to leave my boyfriend to go home to California, for a month. Why? Why does it have to be that way. I don't want to go. How can I be ripped away from him so soon? I'm so depressed about it. I don't want to leave. I mean, there has got to be a way for me to make this work. For me to get myself together, to finish this school work. To graduate and get everything off my back. I just need, ya know. I find myself needing too much. I need too much these days, and it's like I just can't provide for myself. I'm hopeless. I'm so hopeless. I don't want to be sad because I don't want to bring my boyfriend down. But....this is just the way I feel. I mean, what could make it different? What will help me? I just want to be. I just want to be better. I want to stay. I want to try. I don't want to leave. I mean, what do I have to do to make things better? I don't know.

Thanks guys for your replies! I've been going through a bit lately which is why, unfortunately I didn't reply earlier. But thank you. Um, I was raped on a college campus. And I've heard that there are women who recently protested because many women have been raped on that campus and they were tired of the school trying to cover it up. I have yet to look it up on the internet though. I wish I could have been there, at least I could have maybe met more people like me. I'm still pretty isolated. Life has been a whirlwind lately, and I don't even want to think of why. I feel like crying though. But I'm glad that women are protesting against the school. It's an all boys school. That doesn't give their students the right to rape women because they feel they can get away with it. I mean what are they teaching at that school? Women are worthless, disposal, etc.??? I mean, it's really scary and disturbing.

Thank you guys for you responses and support. I'm so sorry I'm just now replying. Things have been a little crazy lately. Um, I don't know, sometimes you just get used to things. I think I'm getting used to certain things. Maybe I'm getting a little more used to the pain. I don't know. But I really appreciate you guys, you don't know how much your words mean to me. It's nice to have encouragement and know that I'm not alone. Thank you, thank you!!! Today is one of those weird days. So my thoughts are kind of everywhere. I'll be sure to write again soon and share a little more information that I'm doing now. Have a great day guys!!! Hugs and kisses ~Grace

How did you find out???! How do you know that she is dead? I hope that's not the case. She was so sweet and so supportive! I don't even know what to being to think. Death is so....well, life is so unpredictable. How do you know she's really dead?

Today is my birthday and I'm 23 years old!!! Yeh!!! It's a nice day so far, I woke up less than an hour ago. I went to Florida with my boyfriend, and it was really nice. I feel pretty good. Life is still life, it's really hard at time, but things are really, really good today. I'm glad it's my birthday. I'll be going home soon, for a month to be exact, and I'll really, really miss my boyfriend! I'll probably ease the pain of missing him by buying gifts for him. That will be great, it'll make me feel really good. I have a job waiting for me at home, so making money will be really easy. I can't wait. I'll also be losing a lot of weight when I go home, so I'm really excited about that! I'm mostly excited about coming back to see my boyfriend and my cats, my new family. I consider home to be wherever he is. He has taken such good care of me, and being away from him is likely to kill me. And he has taken care of me, he took such good care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. I love beyond words. How am I suppose to be without him now? I haven't been away from him since the day we've met. He has protected me and kept me safe. I was raped right before I met him and my world just fell apart, but him and Jesus have been the only glue holding what's left of my world together. How am I suppose to leave him??? School, is taking me away from him. I hate school. Always and forever, LOL. Well actually, I just hate the school I'm currently attending. I can't wait to be through with it! I've had soooo many horrible experiences in college, just awful. College has been far from my best years in life. College has been like a new hell. I hate it so much! Anyways, I'm trying to think of the positive... coming back home. Seeing the love of my life again, being a smaller size so that I can surprise him, bringing him gifts. Spending Thanksgiving and Christmas together. And I think a good thing about going back home to California, is that it will give me an opportunity to purge. I can be angry, and sad, and let it all out. I can lose the weight I want, just let it all go. I want to come back a better person. A more normal person, a new person. I've come to realize that I'm stuck with certain things now. Feeling dirty, unclean, and violated, that's just something I'll have to live with. And it's really unpleasant, but I don't have a choice. It hurts sometimes, to think of my situation, what happened to me, the way I now am. It hurts so bad not to be able to turn off feelings and emotions regarding what happened. I just feel so sad sometimes. It's awful to feel like you're in hell. Unworthy of something. I feel unworthy of so many things. My boyfriend is such a wonderful, sweet person. We are both Christians and he has decided to refrain from sex until marriage. It's such an honorable thing. It's just so hard for me to do. I love him, I love being with him. I just, it's hard, because sometimes I feel so dirty and I feel that only he can make it better. It hurts to think that some random person off of the street can just decide to take something from you. To me sex is something I chose to share only with those that I love. I lost my virginity to my secone fiance (unfortunately he was really abusive). So I decided that I wasn't going to have sex again until I was married. I was definiately going to wait. I had an unpleasant, slightly tramatic sexual experience with my fiance (the one I lost my virginity to) I really didn't like sex at all. Not at all. Then I was raped. And my world was gone. Then I met my boyfriend. It was definitely love at first sight. And our love is soooo strong til this day. Anyways, we were intimate, had sex, and it was so wonderful. I mean previously my experiences were tramatic, and then rape. I mean when I had sex with my boyfriend, it was wonderful. I felt safe. I wasn't scared. There was no badness, it was all so wonderful and special. Everything was okay, I was safe. I felt like that nagging badness (of the rape) had vanished ya know. Well, now we don't have sex anymore. And it's excruciating for me. Now I feel like there is nothing to get rid of the bad, uncomfortable, nastiness left by the rape. I don't know why I have these feelings you know. But I don't feel as safe, and I walk around feeling so dirty. I can't explain why being intimate with my boyfriend made that go away, I just don't know. We were going to get married in less than a year from now. But now we aren't getting married until 3 years from now. He won't touch me in that way. We aren't intimate. And it should be fine, perfectly okay with me. But instead I feel, doomed. Condemned to feeling dirty. I feel like I'll be walking around for the next 3 years feeling dirty, and unhelpable. And I hate thinking about sex. You know. I love him, and I feel so safe with him, and when we are intimate like that it makes me feel completely safe and in touch with him. I don't know. I feel dirty, bad, awful, sad. I have all of these emotions and feelings that I can't control and don't fully understand. It's really pretty bad. Anywho, I think I'll get up and do something nice for myself for my birthday! Love you guys!!! ~Grace

You're the girlfriend you get top priority. I mean where is his sensitivity towards you??? It sounds like an obvious date.

Well, I guess that depends....how would you feel if your girlfriend decided to just screw a few guys behind your back???? You know, get it out of her system. Do you think that would be a good idea? If you "love" her, then you wouldn't betray her trust by screwing other women behind her back. I mean honestly, who doesn't know that cheating is a bad thing??? If you're too afraid to be upfront with your girlfriend about screwing other girls, then maybe you shouldn't do it. If you need to get something "out of your system" then you shouldn't be in a relationship while doing it. I would definitely re-evaluate your definition of "love". If you loved her you wouldn't dare do such a hurtful and damaging thing to her as cheating.

I know things are rough, but hang in there. Why? Because you're not alone. I sometimes feel sad and depressed as well. The world can seem like such a cruel place sometimes. I guess I can only tell you that I'm here to listen. I think maybe sometimes we repeat things over and over again in an attempt to understand them....and others times because we keep experiencing the same emotions, not because we are dwelling on emotions past. It's not something you can help, I often do it myself these days. Hang in there, it's hard, but I'll encourage you to do so anyway.

I don't exactly know where to start. Things are turning around and are going pretty well, they are getting better, but I still feel pretty sad. The detective was able to get in contact with the rapist and his accomplice. Well actually, he got in touch with his accomplice and his accomplice contacted the rapist. [i'm sorry, but I have issues with calling him "my" rapist] The rapist called the detective to leave him a message, but didn't leave any contact information (of course). I'm pissed off the his accomplice wouldn't give any information about the rapist, it means that she is totally not sorry. She has lost any chance to redeem herself. Actually, to be honest, she could never redeem herself in my eyes. At least if she cooperated I'd know that she had a little bit of decency. But who am I kidding? I already know she doesn't. So that's where it is right now. I've been calling the detective but can't reach him right now. I know he's busy on many other cases right now. I actually don't know how to feel about everything. I want the accomplice badgered still. However less and less. I don't feel as angry towards her as I did. I guess because she becomes less and less worth it. At least they know they've been found out, to a certain extent anyways. I wonder what type of message he left that detective. Was it an angry message??? Hopefully so, then it can be obvious what a monster he is. Anywho, that doesn't matter. That's what I keep telling myself. God knows he's a monster, and that's what I have to remember. I have to have faith. It calms my anger. I don't feel as angry as before. I hear that anger is nothing more than hurt. And I'm beginning to get a better understanding of that. Because I am hurt. I'm really, really hurting. And it's okay. It's okay now. I do get upset at the fact that I'm hurting so much. But it's okay. I'm able to stomach it to a certain extent. Then there's the depression and the medication I'm on because of this whole thing. Sometimes I feel really sad, like life isn't worth the trouble. And times like that are really bad. It's not fair for one person to put some else through so much badness just because they want to feel powerful. There's no way to put into words that this experience has been like. I don't even like to call it an experience because I feel like.....I don't know...to call "rape" an...well nevermind, it's not important. I imagine what it would be like to be on a witness stand.... To testify against the rapist. I mean, how is one suppose to feel? I mean, knowing that the person has a lawyer to defend them, defend what they've done? The very thought is insulting. The rapist doesn't have to wake up every morning and live with the fact that I've been raped, and all that is entailed. How could someone have the audacity to hire a laywer to protect them from justice and the truth?! To think that someone would have so little remorse is upsetting and aggrevating. Take your punishment! I mean, that is what should be screamed in the face of every rapist, "TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT!" I'm sick and tired of being punished for someone else's actions! Anyways, I'm tired now. Rapists suck! LOL, like that's not obvious. Anywho. Is there anyone else out there going through the same thing? If so, I'd love to here from you. ~Grace

I don't know, things aren't going that great. My boyfriend is so sweet ya know, and I love him so much. He's so patient with me, and I know he loves me...but will I wear him out??? I know grieving is the natural process, from recovering from rape. But it's not an easy process. I don't want to hurt him by my hurting. When I'm sad, he says it makes him sad. I don't want him to be sad. I...and I'm going home for a month. And it's going to hurt me so much because I'll miss him. I already miss him all day, every single day, now I'll be away from him. He says he's sad and that he'll miss me too. But I don't know. I feel like this trip might be good because he'll miss me. But I don't know, I guess that's me just trying to syke myself into being okay about going home. Today he wanted us to hang out together and watch movies. But then I got a little sad. He comforted me and told me that everything is going to be okay. But then he decided to go to his friends house. We were suppose to hang out. I don't mind him being with his friends, and I'm sure he needs a break. But it just makes me feel so sad when one minute he wants to hang out and the next he's doing something else. I wish he wouldn't mention us hanging out. I just feel so bad. I....I'm trying to get better. But I'm just so sad sometimes. And I....I don't quite know what to do or be. I don't know if I'm okay or not. I don't know how to be better. I mean, I don't go around moaping (Spelling?) all day. Quite the contrary. I just feel sad inside, and that nothing will help. And I just want to be a good girlfriend. One that he can be proud of. And today he looked a little different ya know. Like maybe he was going out on a date or something. I don't know. I don't know about that sudden change. I just don't feel wanted sometimes...like, who would want me around? I'm not good enough. But I guess I've always been that way. I'm pretty, but I'm not thin enough. I don't know that I've ever been thin enough, even when I'm really thin. I could be so much better than I am right now. I could wear the cute clothes I have in my closet, I could wear the beautiful makeup. I have a lovely figure.....but I don't do these things now. All I feel is such a grave sense of loss. Like I'm mourning the person I was, the person I can be. And nothing can help me! I'm so sad, nothing helps me. And I don't know why. I look at pictures, old pictures of me. I was so happy and so pretty. And I can't get back to that. I don't know how. And it's killing me. I hate sleeping. I hate my dreams. And when I just get so tired...I have to take medicine to sleep, then I can't wake up. And I hate this life of mine. I'm trapped. So trapped. And I can't get out. Nobody knows how to help me out. I'm just here, all alone. all by myself. And I'm scared. I'm scared and tired, I want someone to make it go away. Help me please! Somebody, I need so much help. How will I get it? How am I suppose to help myself? I don't know how anymore.

Today my Daddy told me that my well-being is more important than my schooling. That really made me feel better. Today I forced myself to go different places even though I was exhausted and felt drained of energy. My boyfriend wants some time alone, he's stressed from work and school. It's totally understandable, but I've been waiting all day to see him. I feel much more alone these days. Espicially since he doesn't have much time for me. I don't think he'll even care when I leave to go home.

I'm upset, again. No, actually I'm just really hurting. Rape really does change a person's life. I've been focusing on school right now but I don't even know why. I mean I'm working through rape right now. How am I really supposed to deal. I feel inconsoable (spelling?) right now. My boyfriend is sleeping, my cats are doing their own thing, and I'm just hurting. I don't feel good about me at all. I can't stop the unpleasant feelings I have within. I'm afraid my boyfriend will eventually become ashamed of me. Maybe even unhappy with me. I know that's not his nature, but I'm not seeing the "light at the end of the tunnel" right now. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. Eating doesn't help. Not eating doesn't help. I'm tired of taking this sleep medicine because I don't wake up until 1 or 3 in the afternoon. I'm just tired. I'm more than tired. I feel damaged. Really badly. I don't want to finish school. I don't want to have to think about school and all that comes with it. It wouldn't matter if I went to a really large school. But I go to a small school in a small town (lots of gossip). I don't know. I hate that place. I've most most of my worst experiences in life at that college. Why does everyone want me to finish from there? I hate it. It sucks. What can I do? I've had thoughts of smashing my head into a mirror, or walking on broken glass. I mean anything to alliveate (spelling?) this inner pain. How can anybody stand life like this? Constant aching. How are you suppose to ignore that? And there seems to be nothing that I can do. But muddle through it I guess. I'm hurt beyond........ I just want someone to make it go away. I don't want to go home and I don't want to stay here. It alllll sucks!!!! I don't want to be a bum either. I don't want to be useless, just hanging around. I hate school!!! Not work, not learning, I hate my school, the school I go to. I just hate it. I don't think I'm bitter, but I definitely think I'm uncomfortable and unhappy. I don't think my parents can understand. Definitely not my mother. All she wants is for me to get my degree. But I'm not there yet. I can't even get pass what happened to me. How can I even begin to take that next step? I don't feel like a human being anymore. I just want the pain to subside. At the same time I want to scream. I just don't belong. I don't belong here. I've tried just so hard to make it in this world. I'm sick of it all.

I'll be going back home. I'll be gone for a month. I'm ready. I feel like I don't have any feelings left. I need to go home so that I can get the help I need to graduate. My parents will be their constantly encouraging me, and I believe that's what I need. I'm not even nervous about it right now. But I know I'll miss my boyfriend and my kittens. They are in their growing phase and I'm going to miss them so much! I haven't been away from my boyfriend since the rape. We meet a week after I was raped. On the upside I do have a job waiting for me at home. There are lots of things I'll be able to buy my boyfriend. I can even buy him his birthday presents. I guess that's an upside. And I do have a cat at home, her name is Amber, and I love her to death. She's my first baby. I'm ready for any change in life right now because things aren't going that great. Oh well. What can I say? Nothing I guess. I'll have to buy hella food for my kittens. I'll store it at my boyfriend's house. He's so busy all of the time. And I'll have to teach him how to give them their medicine. Oh well, that's life right? I guess so. Ugh!!!!! Anywho. I guess that's it. I've got to graduate, and I don't think I'll be able to do it on my own. It can be like my younger years when my parents constantly remind me to study. Afterall, I feel like a child anyways.

Call the police as an anonymous person. But definitely tell. I mean, what you guys did was a horrible thing! Start making amends now or your punishment will become increasingly severe.

Okay, I'm realllllly upset. I can't post a new topice because this post is still on the "main page". It SUCKS that people can rape people and murder people and just walk away with no punishment!!!!!!!!!! I mean really! I'm just so upset about that. I know that God punishes all but for some reason lately I've had doubts. Not that God won't punish them, but that maybe he won't punish them as much as I'd like. I know that's really silly, because if there is anyone who knows how to punish someone it's God. I guess I'm just tired of waiting. I'm hoping that word of the punishment will get back to me. Because if there's one thing I want to see, it's that my rapist get his just-due. I want him punished so severly that he goes out of his head. I don't just wanted him raped by 10 men, I want something worse. I want him humiliated to NO END! Just as I was humiliated by being raped. I want someone to do something awful to him. But then part of me doesn't want to know about it. I don't know, but I'm suffering. I'm so hurt inside. I grieve so much, and all I can think about is revenge. But I don't want to get revenge. I want God to do it. I want him to rape a girl who's family will kidnap and torture him. Because he's going to rape again, that's a fact. I want him to be incapable of raping another person. I want him to be incapable of having children. Someone should just cut his * * * * off. And throw it into the ocean. Yes, I think that would be appropriate. And then he should be forced to walk every where with the word rapist tattooed (spelling?) on his forehead. If it were only possible that these things could just happen. I don't want to do any such thing because I don't want to turn evil so that I can be punished. But I'm human, I want him damaged!!!!! Really, really damaged!!!! I want him to ache inside. I mean, there is soooooo much that I want to happen. I mean how many other girls has he raped by now? Soooo many I'm sure. That bastard. That bastard and his female accomplice. You know, I've never wished for anyone to go to hell. But if it's possible for them to spend 24hours in hell. Ya know. Just 24 hours. But I guess that's a little cruel. Anywho. It's easier to focus on how these low-lifes should be punished than to address the turmoil I feel within. It just won't go away ya know. I said that I forgived them. I said it out loud, and nothing has happened. I've tried. What else can I do????? Short of completely destroying myself? I don't know. Why can't this be like....I don't know, the old days??? I mean wasn't there ever a time where people killed rapists? I'm sure that had to have been the case once upon a time. I mean, I'm sure there isn't a drug out there that could help my situation. People need to invent an instant feel-good pill. You could take it and be completely and utterly happy for at least a month. I mean, one day someone should invent that. Someone who enjoys chemistry, not me. Anywho, I think I've gotten out a little bit of rage and frustration. P.S. I really don't want to be an angry person

I would say hang in there. It sounds like she's reallly peeved with you about something. Do you have any idea of what would make her so angry with you. Women communicate with women in a variety of ways. Maybe she's been trying to drop "hints" to you and you just haven't noticed them. It is often said that "men can't read between the lines", maybe this whole thing has evolved from miscommunication. Do you know of any way to disfuse her anger??? Could you do something really nice for her? Flowers maybe? Show that you love her and that you are persistent. However if she say that she wants to be left alone, respect her wishes, but in the meantime do what you can to show her how much you care.

Six years.....has there been any talk of marriage? Maybe she's bored of waiting for you to propose. Has the topic ever come up?.

Thanks guys!!! I really appreciate your advice. Ms. Babydoll I totally like the idea of a roadtrip. I would love to get away from everything, experience something new. Just be happy exploring, seeing beautiful things, not thinking of the hardships I've been experiencing lately. I'll be going to a beach in Florida sometime soon, so I'll get a little bit of that roadtrip feeling. Rose2Summer I was seeing a counselor, but right now I can't afford the $80 per week fee. I do miss my counselor. I feel like I've just pretty much given up for the time being. That's all I know how to do right now. I read your story about that crazy stalker guy. It's seems like I've had similar experiences. I can't believe he set your house on fire though, you're extremely resilent (spelling?). Thanks for all of the advice you've given me. I hope things will get better.