BigFatMess

Well, I have posted many times on this site (if you want you can read my posts by looking up under BigFatMess). My boyfriend and I have had issues from the start. We were together for two years and during that period he lost all my trust by lying, keeping things from me and basically doing really dodgy stuff (eg. telling other girl "friends" that he loved them, sleeping in the same bed as his girl "friend", writing dodgy emails and texts). After a lot of nonsense and finding out some of these lies, I had enough and called it quits. Three months later he came back and begged me to take him back. Told me he had thought about everything, looked at himself and his behaviour and realised he needed to change. Realised he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and would do anything to be able to do that. After much consideration, I decided to give him a chance. There were ground rules though, and I told him I needed him to rebuilt the trust up, as I had NONE. He said he would do anything. He cc's me into all emails, tells me about all the texts he receives and sends, tells me who he bumps into during the day, and basically has become transparent (which is what I want and need right now). My problem is, we are still banging our heads of the same issue, which is his contact with the female sex. I realise that girls and guys can be friends. But it seems that he is always just a little more than friends with these people. Not that he cheats (that I know of anyway!) but that it is always a little dodgy. It is like he leads them on just a little, and I find the friendships to be a bit inappropriate. Example: he has girls calling him in the middle of the night drunk. He gets texts from so called "friends" telling him they miss him and calling him "babe" (which I think is inappropriate). His girl "friends" get jealous when he spends time with me. The icing on the cake was when we were staying at a hotel together and I went back to the room as I was not well, and he stayed out with some friends. One of his girl "friends" from work, called the hotel asking for him - at MIDNIGHT. When she got me, she wouldn't say who she was but stated she was his "girlfriend". When he got back he swore he had never received phone calls from her or anyone before at that hotel, but of course it started my mind boggling. The next day I made him call her to ask her what the deal was, and all she did was laugh and say that I should "get over it". What bugged me the MOST about it all is that he still wants to be friends with her, even though she hurt and upset me. Of course the problem is that ALL of his girl friends seem to be "close" with him, and it drives me insane. Then I come accross as the jealous girlfriend. So, am I being unreasonable here? Are my "standards" of normality, not normal at all??? It just seems to me that all his girl "friends" have ZERO respect for me and our relationship, and that HE is the only one who can do something about that. The thing is, if we could get over this, we would have the best relationship ever. I don't know how to move forward, and I don't know how to keep going over the same stuff, every time one of his "friends" does something. I know I can't tell him to have NO girl friends, but I am not handling the situation as it is. Thoughts??? Advice???

ranlian, I am now yes. I guess we are kind of "dating". It is helping. I spent the weekend with him this weekend just been, and it did feel a bit better. Kinda reconnecting I guess. I agree, the only way to see if the changes have been made is to contact them, and see their behaviour. I am taking the risk, but still being VERY VERY cautious......

Okay, I have no problems masturbating. I can come by myself within 5 minutes. But for some reason, I just cannot come with my boyfriend. He tries going down on me, rubbing me, EVERYTHING, and although I feel myself getting close, I can never complete the deed. Any tips????

friscodj: you are so right. There is no certainty. I do know that. I guess I am just petrified of getting hurt again. I know I can get over it though (have done a great job so far!) and that life won't end. But I just worry that I won't give him the whole me. That I will always hold some of myself back. Or maybe that is a good thing? mike`ca: when I read your post, I almost instantly felt better! Yes, of course it will be awkward at first. Things have changed, feelings have changed, roles have changed, everything has changed. So I guess I just have to let TIME tell me whether this is right and stop fretting. GottaLetItBurn: maybe you are right? I broke up with him though, not the other way around. He knows things can't be the same, and aren't the same now. And it won't be that he is nice to me for a week and all is back to being honky dory. It is going to take MONTHS or who knows how long. And I will have to see CONSISTENCY. HardShowingAffection: Thanks! It is nice to hear that you HAVE looked at yourself and that you believe people can change. I believe it too, but am scared I am being naive. I totally agree tho, he is not the only one who has to work on us. However, for NOW, he has to show me his changes before I can decide whether it is something I want to go back to, and THEN we can work TOGETHER at picking up the pieces. I guess I am just so scared of making a big mistake. Of getting into it again and getting even more messed up. I don't want to be one, five, ten years down the track, and realise I have made a mistake and wasted those years of my life. Know what I mean?

All for your posts. Yes, definitely want to take things slowly. Maybe I do need to take some time out to think. He is not pressuring me, but I guess I am pressuring myself. I want to be SURE. I want it to be SORTED, one way or the other. I want to know he is being genuine, that this is not just a phase or just part of the break up process. And the only way to know is to give it time. I wonder whether spending some normal time with him would help. We are living in different cities at the moment, and the time we do spend together seems so short and precious that I can't really judge anything. I do think I am guarding my heart fiercely, and that is partly why I am so unsure of how I feel. I do not want to get hurt. That first and foremost. That clouds everything. I am not totally sure that he has changed, so I am not giving my heart. He knows it will take time. He knows I am unsure. He wants to prove it to me. Wants to show me he is being real. And then he hopes I will want to be with him again. Argh, it is just so complicated, and so confusing. friscodj: I agree, I think I should give it time to sink in, and then decide whether I want to make it work too. I know I have work to do too, it is just a question of whether I want to risk it all again. I can accept he isn't perfect, and that these changes will take time. What I can't accept is if things go back to the way they were as soon as he "has" me. goddess23: I think this "change" has been a long time coming, but I am just the catalyst. He was very much living in a dream world, and seems to have woken up. annie24: thanks for your support. I will take things slowly and listen to my gut. I guess I just hate the unknown. tough_girl: its true. I hardly know this guy. This guy is affectionate, attentive, totally open, and would do anything. But how long will that last? Gracelove: Yes, that is what I wonder too. How can someone change so much in such a short space of time? Then again, I do believe that if the person has been given a jolt, that CAN realise they have made a mistake and do something about it. I don't think he has turned into an angel overnight. But I do believe he is trying to better himself, and become a better person.

So, my ex has decided he wants me back. After 2 months NC, he claims to have sorted his life goals out. He used to be scared of commitment, now is talking about marriage (eventually), wanting children with me, buying a house etc etc. He is SO sure I am the one, it is almost scary. He is fighting so hard to get me back. Calls me all the time, tells me he loves me (maybe too much!), is trying to SHOW me that he has changed. That he has grown up. No more bull, no more flirtatious interactions, no more secrets, no more sneakiness. He has given me the passwords to all his email accounts, complete access to his phone EVERYTHING. I spent the weekend with him, and he was SO sweet. Took me for a picnic in the evening, we watched the sun set. He told me he wants to spend his life with me. That he wants to keep working on our relationship, keep being romantic, keep us. He said he doesn't want to lose me ever again. ALL PERFECT. So why is it that I am still scared? Still unsure? Still insecure???? I think maybe I am holding myself back because I don't want to get hurt? He said when he picked me up from the airport he was SO happy. I didn't feel ecstatic. I mean, I enjoy his company, I think I still love him, but I don't have the same feelings anymore. Is this normal? Or is this a sign that maybe what we had has died and I should tell him we can't be together again? I told him he has to SHOW me and prove to me that things have changed before we will be together again properly. THOUGHTS????

He doesn't deserve more than a second chance with me. But I do believe that someone can be woken up to their behaviour when they lose someone. So I guess I should at least give him the chance to PROVE this to me. If he can't, then I will cut my losses. One of my problems with it though, is that I am already investing myself back in to it. I am getting my hopes up. I am WANTING it to work out. I want him to prove it to me. And if it all turns pear shaped, I will be devastated all over again. BUT then again, at least if all that happens, I will know I have done everything to save this relationship, and HE is the one that ruined it. The other thing that I am struggling with, is that we live miles apart, in different cities. It is almost impossible to try and build up a relationship, and for him to PROVE all this to me, when we can't even see each other! I am finding it really difficult, cause we are not together, but we can't make any progress either. We talk everyday, but it always ends up back on the topic of him changing, which he can't prove. It is driving me insane and I don't know what to do. He is coming to see me in a week and a half, but that seems like an eternity. Ideas on what I can do to keep myself sane?

My ex did a lot of stupid things in our relationship. He hurt me by his behaviour with other women "friends". He now says he realises he was living in a fantasy world, but that he wants the reality, which is me. My question is: can people REALLY change? Can he really have realised these things and actually worked on himself enough to be in a proper committed relationship with me? Or am I just being naive?

Your advice is always so helpful! It makes me feel like I am not going nuts, and that my thoughts and feelings aren't crazy! I have decided to at least LET him try and show me that he has changed. It is hard though, cause we are in different cities and it is hard to show that sort of thing if you aren't in reachable distance. He seems so sure that it will be different. I wish I could be so sure. The only problem I am having now, is that I am feeling SO insecure. So scared. And it is affecting my everyday life, and that sucks. Is there anyway I can just relax and let this happen?????

Okay, so what I THOUGHT I wanted happened. After two months apart, a month of NC, my ex has decided he wants me back. Has spent the last week trying to convince that he made a huge mistake letting me go. Has been SO honest about everything (in our relationship he had difficulty in being honest), and seems to have come to so many realisations about his behaviour and how he treated me. He now wants to PROVE to me that he has changed. That he wants to make me number one in his life, that he has realised what I mean to him, how wonderful I am, and how he doesn't want to live without me in his life. I WANT all this. I am still very much in love with him. When I saw him, the spark was still there, and APART from his difficulties in being honest with me, we had a fantastic relationship. We get on great, we live well together, we suit each other. The question is: do I put my heart on the line? Do I risk letting him back in, at least enough to see if he can prove this? Or will he revert back to his old ways eventually???? How do I know??? Am I being a total idiot??? CONFUSED.

So, it has been four weeks of no contact. Well, from my side anyway. He has texted about half a dozen times or so, and sent a few emails, but I have managed to ignore them all. Not to say over the last few weeks, I have had my moments. I have been DESPERATE to call him, but resisted. I have been feeling slightly better about everything, but still missing him like crazy. Anyway, the other night (Friday) I went out for drinks with my colleagues and got VERY drunk. And we all know what tends to happen when we are drunk. We TEXT or CALL. I choose the slightly lesser evil and texted (at 2am!). However, a few seconds later he called. We talked for FOUR hours. Crazy stuff. He cried. Said he missed me, loved me. That he didn't know what to do with his life without me, that he has lost all motivation, that he hasn't moved on. The only thing he knows is that he wants me in his life. He asked me if we could look at starting over. Trying to build our relationship back up slowly, try to build up the trust. Asked if we could talk face to face. I told him I was too drunk to digest it all, and said I would contact him later in the weekend. So, now I am confused and a mess. I don't know what to do. I WANT to believe him, I want to believe that he has woken up and realised he wants to be with me, and that he has made a mistake. But I am scared to put my heart out there again only to end up back at square one. Do I risk it??? Or do I cut my losses and not even bother????? Advice??

God, I am a huge mess. Have been broken up with my ex now for 6 weeks. No contact for almost three weeks. I have been at an inhouse course for my work for the last two weeks. I was doing really well. REALLY busy during the day, so no time to think. In the evenings, I would sometimes feel sad, but I definitely felt like I had made progress. However, near the end of this week and today, I feel like I have slipped back into the early stages again. I feel like crying. I have that knot in my stomach. I want to contact him. He sent me an email today saying he misses me. But he isn't doing a DAMN thing to change the situation. It is just words. I suppose I am getting hit with the reality again? Is that it??? Also, I have found out that I have to spend three weeks in the same city as him and it is scaring the s*it out of me. I know i will be tempted. I don't know how much willpower I will have. I want to call him right now. I feel awful. Advice?

Thanks Blender. Great post. I agree, FACTS not FEELINGS!!!! I have been on my course for work for one week, and it has been fantastic! I have thought about him less, been so busy that I haven't even been tempted to call/text!!!!! The nights are the worst though. And the weekends. Too much thinking time. He has texted me a few times, saying he misses me, he loves me, he wishes I was still with him etc etc etc etc. BUT The fact is, he texts me, but thats it! NO effort. If he really wanted me back, if he really missed me and loved me, he would MAKE AN EFFORT. He is a COWARD just to send a text and I don't know why he does it. Is it to keep me on the line? Is it to keep me feeling stink? Is it so we can be "friends" later on??????? I know for a fact he is getting on with his life and that he is FINE, so why fake it with me and pretend he is devastated! I HATE IT! I am feeling a LOT better about myself and a lot stronger, BUT I have just found out I have a three week course back in the same city as him and am SCARED. I don't know if I have the willpower not to contact him. I still miss him, and love him. I wish those feelings would disappear!!!!

I am off to another city to start a training course for my new job. I am SO nervous!!!!!! I should be EXCITED, and looking forward to it. Instead, I am SAD, I miss him, and wish he was here to support me and encourage me. I am hoping this course (it is 3 weeks inhouse training) will take my mind off him. That I will be too busy to be sad. Too busy to THINK. He sent me a text last night (he is SUCH a coward) apologising for contacting me but he is missing me. WHAT am I supposed to do with that? Why send me that???? Why isn't he contacting his "soulmate" who he ran to this week????? Argh. I am such an emotional mess. How am I supposed to go on this course and pretend to be a together normal person?????

I think they do this sort of thing, just to check that you are still out there. To check that you still care, that you are still hurting, that you haven't gotten "over" them. It is kinda like keeping you on the line. My ex does that too, except with texts. Sends me SAD texts every so often. It takes ALL my willpower NOT to respond. You shouldn't respond. Ignore them. Block your exs emails if you really want to heal and move on.