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sonjam

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  1. sonjam
    SadHatter It is human to do this. I did it too, called up my ex husband after a few years, he remarried, and I felt really stupid, I did not want us to get together or anything, i was just wondering how he was doing. We were together for 7 years!! Anyway, what I wanted to say is this - it is human of you to have done it, you are a caring person, with a good heart, yes she rejected you again, just like he rejected me. I also hurt and felt embarrassed at the time, you have to learn to live with it, break all contact, and get on with your own life. Forget about her. You probably did, and you just dug up a ghost from the past. We all do it from time to time. Don't beat yourself up over it.
  2. sonjam
    Girl, congratulations for wanting to try and change things. That is the first step to a better self-esteem. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. Your entire post was about things yo HATE about yourself. How about making a list of the things you like, maybe you have really pretty hair, nice eyes, a beautifull smile, you might be a very compasionate friend to a person in need, maybe you are very good at your work, or can do all sorts of outside activities really well. There must be something you can do well?? Don't judge yourself by other's standards, decide on what YOU THINK you do well. Then we have to start looking at the things you don't like. If you keep telling yourself every day you don't like YOU, then you never will. You have to start telling yourself that you like you, you can even look yourself in the mirror every morning, really look, and tell yourself you are OK, you will be fine and you are nice. I know that depression can make a HUGE dent in a person's self esteem, and if you can get rid of the depression (maybe with a mild anti-depresant) the sun will begin to shine again in your life, and you might start feeling a bit better. One last piece of advice, back off of the ex for now, first get yourself sorted out before embarking on a new (0r old) relationship. REMEMBER: we are here to help, and work with you, if you need to talk or so, just post a thread or a PM.
  3. sonjam
    Devoted, I think somebody is logging on on your user name, and replying to your own posts. And I think it is your beloved dearest bf. I suggest you create a new anonymous user name, and send one of us a PM, to talk about your problems with more privacy.
  4. sonjam
    teacup, you are right, men can't fill the void in your life. Only you will have to change your behaviour partern, and find out what will fill it. You are so used to relating to certain men in certain ways (the pulling back, and getting interest back thing) that if you do it any other way, you loose interest. That is a cycle that probably had it's offspring in your past, and that you need to break. Approach different types of guys than what you would normally, first start up a friendship, and then go on to dating, or join a new cirlcle of friends, gym or club. You will be amazed once you break your old habits and the cycle, how your life can change. You might feel a bit awkward at first, but you will settle in nicely soon.
  5. sonjam
    bytheway, it is really not that bad, the more you make an issue of it, the more he will try and hide it from you. Looking at porn does not necesarrily mean he's unhappy with you, or that he wants to cheat, some men just like looking at girls!.. I suppose it is still your decision if you want to live with that or not, in my case i really would not make a big deal out of it.
  6. sonjam
    You CAN"T let him pin that one on you. PERIOD. He can never control who you see, and who you marry. EVER. Then you can do the same to him. It's his loss that he could not be a good father to his kids and a good husband to you. HE'S ONLY DOING THIS because you let him. You are a good mother for worrying about the kids. Do what is right for you and the kids. DON'T LET HIM BULLY YOU, AND tell your lawyer this, he should be looking out for your best interests, and the kids.
  7. sonjam
    Outcast, thank you for talking to me. I want to re-affirm the statement that I made" we are not all bad, we have nothing to gain by trying to sabotage your life, we care and we want to be here for you". Please let us!
  8. sonjam
    ** my newly accquired skills** - a good book on anger management taught me this. Your mom is actually causing anger, and feelings of guilt because she chooses you to vent to about your father - causing a triangle. What you need to do is: In a loving an compassionate voice tell your mom that you understand her anger, and know how she feels, BUT that you love your dad very much, and would not like to participate in their quarrels, since it will affect your relationship with your dad, and as it stands at the moment, you don't want that, it is their own fight, you love both of them very much, and you want to keep communication chanells open to both of them. BIG thing is not to participate in the triangle, agree when your mom says things about your dad, but to STAY OUT OF IT. She will keep on trying to get you to participate (old habits are hard to break) but stand your ground (lovingly and compansionately) don't also fight with her about it, even if she tries to pick a fight!! same thing applies to your dad. They should both know that you are no more loyal to the one than to the other, you want no part in the fights between them, and you don't wish to discuss each others problems with this. When they try and taunt you into a conversation about it, change the subject by asking them advice about something in your own life.... See if it helps??
  9. sonjam
    The suspense is killing me... go buy the test already!@!
  10. sonjam
    Heather, don't give up. You are suffering from depression. Please, you are so selfish by taking your life away from all those who love you. YOU KNOW it is so simple to help you, it has nothing to do with emotions, it is a chemical imbalance in your brain, easilly correctable if you would only ask!!
  11. sonjam
    Girl, seriously, talking is not going to make this guy better. And I agree with Hope and Raykay, I think you think you are in love with him, and you keep on making excuses for his behaviour. All the posts up to now told you all you need to know, I suggest you read and read them, until it finally sinks in. But allas, there is none as blind as those who will not see. All I wanted to add to your thread is: THE ABUSE IS ESCALATING; HE WILL SOON BE HARMING YOU PHYSICALLY. Just a warning, but I can see it from a mile away. This guy will not just be calling you names in a little while. He will be physically harming you, slapping you, pushing, kicking etc. I'm afraid for your safety, and I want you to think about this seriously. Of course afterwards he will cry, promise he will never do it again, say it was your fault, apologise, buy you flowers, take you to dinner, all the regular stuff abusers do. Also, I would not recommend you go to his parents behind his back. If you cannot deal with this matter in a normal, healthy way without him calling you names, or either of you getting overly exited, then you should leave. This is not the guy for you. Start saving, you will be needing money shortly to get outta there!! nd his back, it will definitely escalate the violence/abuse. Please give this some thought!!!
  12. sonjam
    millaj, I don't really know you, but I sit here with tears running down my face, I feel so much compassion for you, and I mourn your loss with you. I know one of the best ways to heal, is to talk about it. It's like a release valve. Talk and talk, cry and cry, and eventually you will start feeling like you will be able to live without him, you will miss and love your child forever, but one day you will be able to carry on. The hurt never goes away, but it gets easier to live with as time goes by. Don't bottle up your feelings talk about it, if you find that everybody is avoiding you, or the topic, talk to us. There is always an ear to listen, day or night. I will inlude you in my prayers tonight.
  13. sonjam
    No your feelings are quite normal, but you will have to let go a bit. TRUST is a big keyword, and she has not given you any reason not to trust her, appart from wanting to move out, and if you are honest with yourself, you both have guilt in that. Trying desperately to hold on will only push her further away from you. You need to deal with these feelings, and then try and get your relationship back in a happy place. That is the best route to follow! Good luck, I'm holding thumbs for you!
  14. sonjam
    eimono, it sounds like there could be quite a few issues, for both of you. How about considdering the moving appart, as an opportunity for the both of you to find yourself, and WANT to be together? Maybe the first time she moved in with you, she felt she had to. I'm not saying she does not want to be with you, but being in a compromised position, without any money, or food, makes you the weak one, and the one that can be pushed around. She deserves to feel like she can stand on her own two feet now, that she is actually capable of taking care of herself. You should support and encourage her. That is the only way you will prove to her that you can love her as an equal, not just a rescued duckling.... Then when she decides to move back in, it will be on a more level playing field, rather than a needy person, and a rescuer. I know that is probably not how you see it, but I promise you that is the way it feels to her. I suggest you let her go, and work on the relationship still. If it really is important to you, you will keep the relationship going, and in time, she will come back??
  15. sonjam
    I know exactly how she feels, the house will be in your name, and everytime you feel like it, she will have to pack up and go. I've also been through that. What you need to do is "rent" her a part of the house (doesn't have to be half) and let her sign a lease form. This way she is not staying there on your goodwill, and you can't tell her to leave, it will be a legally binding contract. That will give her more security, and maybe she will be willing to stay???
  16. sonjam
    Peanut, you posted about the affair and how you can't get over it, didn't you? I think I remember. Anyway. Having been a cheated wife too, and my ex sounds too close for comfort to yours, (and this is a wild guess) but he's out on the prowl hunny. If he invites you WITH to go to the whatever his girly friends wants to do, no problem - if he goes alone BIG PROBLEM. Some men (and women) are just like that, in the sense that they can never stay commited to just one other person. He sounds like he could be one of those. It is nothing that you did wrong, it takes two to tango, and you weren't even invited to the Dance! Things to do: stop complaining - you will only drive him away even further from you. Start doing your own fun activities. If you want to save this relationship, be the best wife that you can be, forget about the past, set a goal date, and if by then things don't improve, make a decision. Then you did all you can do, and you owe it to yourself to find or be with somebody that will love you, and only you. Good Luck
  17. sonjam
    Silent Pain, don't ever let him call you stupid, you are a very intelligent bright young lady,! I get really angry when he calls you that. You know in your heart it's not the truth, don't you dare start believing the things he's telling you. YOU have the right to do what you want, you should not have to report to him all the time, and have him monitor you. HE HURTS YOU! I'm so upset right now. And you carry the bruises....
  18. sonjam
    Please take a good long hard look inside your own heart, and decide, do you really really believe he loves you? Would you do these things to somebody YOU love? and most of all, how would you react to him if he was doing it to somebody else, like a close family member, would you just sit back and watch, and say or do nothing? 'cmon girl, you really really need to take action!! YOU DESERVE THE BEST, and he's slowly killing you! It would break my heart, I know you can do better, you showed me this, I believe in you!!
  19. sonjam
    OMG, are you o.k. my friend!! You should know by now somoene who does those things to you DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!! My dearest dearest friend, don't lose focus of your goal, I know you will make it out of there, just count the days... I'm sorry I was not around this weekend, but you know you are always on my mind. I wish there was more I could do to help, you know you have to say the word, the distance is not that big between us that we are not able to help you, you know!
  20. sonjam
    Yay to chai, if the body language is positive, how about this approach, give her your mobile and ask her to put her number on it!! - It worked for me, he gave me the phone with a sweet smile, and told me "please put your number on my phone.. And the next time I saw him he was standing on my doorstep with a bunch of roses, and a bottle of wine!!
  21. sonjam
    I always get a fright when the phone rings at night, becouse I expect bad news if people call me after reasonable hours.... It's not a problem, it's just the way it is. Maybe she got bad news late at night once, and now is scared of getting it again. Also, yes, she might think it's the ex calling. The fact that she always answers, is GREAT NEWS. In my opinion she is not in need of a coucillor becouse of this particuar thing. As time goes by, and no bad news comes over the phone at night, she will ease up, and it will go away. Just be supportive and loving, and don't make an issue out of it.
  22. sonjam
    i have a friend, my best friend in fact, who is like that. She doesn't appologise, but she's always late. Thing is, it is in her personality, I always joke with her, and tell her she's on Africa time. I love her, and I know she's like that, so what I do is make sure I tell her to be there before I actually arive. Since Im expecting her to be late anyway, I don't get worked up about having to wait for her. I love her, and It is not in my place to change her, I accept her just the way she is, and that is that. I'm quite a punctua person, and it took me some time to make peace with it. Also, we've been friends for 15 years, Im not about to loose her because of one bad little habbit. What I do normally, is have her meet me at a place where it is convenient for me to wait, e.g. my house... She then comes around, and I get to do what I'm busy with until she pitches up, and then we go out to wherever.... It works for me and for her. If your friend is worth it, then make the effort to accept her.
  23. sonjam
    ok. Here's my take on your wifes situation. Question - was she always like this, or did she become this way? I used to be much more loving, and prone to hugs and kisses when hubby and I first met, then we had the baby, we both have full time jobs, and he's away from home alot. I sort of lost interest too. It is such hard work to work a full day commute back and to work for 2 hours each day, get home cook food, feed the baby, bath and read bedtime stories, and keep her entertained until she goes to sleep, that by the end of the day I have no energy left. I just want to curl up in bed and read a book, or sleep. Yes my hubby got neglected. It spirals downward, until one day you have nothing more to say to each other, but talk about the kids!! I have to say he helps very little with the baby, and hes away alot for work, so I got so used to having to do things myself, that I didn't even bother asking him anymore. I suppose alot of resentment built up inside me, and I sort of started avoiding him. I realised things were going downhill, so I wrote him a letter. I explained the sex thing to him, how I just don't feel like it because if the other areas of my life is in shambles, how can I want to initiate sex? You see sex is an emotional thing for women, not just physical. I explained how I struggle and feel lonely, and how I feel that I get no help etc etc. He was SURPRISED that I felt this way, and since then things have started getting better. I have to say one thing that really really helps: GET AWAY, JUST THE TWO OF YOU, leave the kids with your parents for a weekend and get away, even if it is you two and another couple. IT REALLY HELPS. And do this often. It sort of rekindles the romance (very slowly but it's a start) of when you just started dating. Make a promise not to discuss work and kids when you go, just enjoy it, and chat about nothing important. If she doesn't want to plan a going away trip, you plan one and surprise her! Do you think this might help? It helped me alot, I was very hesitant to go, and didn't want to leave my baby, but I forced myself to go, and it was the best thing I could have done for me and us. She has to realise there is still an US inbetween the work, babies etc.
  24. sonjam
    Jason, YOU HAVE TO LET HER GO. I read your posts and your keep on reflecting back on her. You will never be able to heal your own heart and mind if you don't let this relationship go. OF COURSE you have a lot of guilt, but you are dealing with the problem and getting better. BUT you have to do it for you, not to try and prove to anybody but yourself that you are not really that person, and that you will have a bright new future and be the perfect husband to some lucky girl! But you are not going to move forward one inch if you dont let her go, and let go of the guilt. If happeneded. There is nothing you can do about it. Now FORGIVE YOURSELF, and get on with your life. Go to coucilling, write in your book, excercise, do whatever it takes (I know you do allready) but forgive yourself, and move on....
  25. sonjam
    If you don't feel comfortable seeing a therapist, then open up to your hubby. He is in it for better or for worse, you don't have to tell him all at once, but you need a person you love and that loves you to support you, and help you deal with all this emotions. The best person is your husband. First believe the others that it was not your fault, and make sure you believe it. Then it will be easier to tell your husband, because sooner or later he deserve to know! There is no problem in marrying quickly if you know you were meant to be together, but honesty and trust is the building blocks of a relationship, and you want this one to last don't you? Thing is, don't let your past experiences ruin your current relationship! good luck
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