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About Me

  1. i find it difficult to believe that those that have never walked in these shoes could ever fully understand what this is like. but really...i think it would be impossible for you to not understand certain aspects. it's still strange for me to talk about this. there are very few people that seem to get it. a choice in itself. to get it...is to open one's being to that same vulnerability. perhaps i've been conditioned by the general reaction. there are ALWAYS undertones that this whole process was a choice. alas, to choose misery would be a madness. in some respects...it was a choice. the initial choice. the first time. but at that point...it would've been difficult to imagine the way things played out. yes...i was told a thousand times...by a thousand different people...this is wrong. there's no good that can come of it. but the full appreciation...the knowledge, wisdom...there is just no way to know that...until it's happened. i have been surrounded by people my entire life that refuse to see the person as anything other than the label. as in mental illness...the actual person is not seen. the label trumps all else. yes...it's a generalization...but the consistency of the sentiments is overwhelming. it's a choice. snap out of it. unfortunately...these people do not understand. this...thing...has robbed six years of my life from me. it's reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. it's added a neverending cycle of stress and anxiety to my life. it's robbed me of that youthful sense of vigor...my energy...my motivation to do many things that i once enjoyed. paralyzing. it is...and has been...the last thing i think about before i go to sleep. not in the sense that i need to indulge...but that i've been systematically destroying something i consider precious...and become very adept at driving the full implications of that away. life becomes a lesson in deceit. myself. my friends. decpetion is a friend...because it's the one thing that allows me to cling to a dissipating sense of self-respect. there is no control. the addiction fuels habits. life becomes a means to satisfy that hunger. and the sad truth...is that the 'help' that exists is horrendously out of touch with what has actually happened. if it were truly 'in touch'...the numbers would provide a staggering solution. yes...some people give it up...and lead genuinely happy existences...but they are by far the minority. there are many that have come and gone through my social radar...and there has only been one that has successfully ended this cycle...permanently. one. it's shocking. can you imagine the misery of still possessing the desire...but refraining. one's life would become consumed by that desire. the entire existence becomes about that moment when the need can finally be satiated. this is not a solution. it's misery. and it's real. i reflect on how well we mask our true feelings. i can't help but assume that these 'happy' ex-abusers are skilled in the same art. there are definitely exceptions...i realize. one could ask...why didn't you just stop. it's not a question of weakness. i possess a certain strengh that permeates ALL other aspects of my life. it's a lack of tools. i'm amazed that this conclusion didn't dawn on me sooner. it's really a question of perspective. it's a shift in the reality. that old familiar mental filter...the cognitive trick that keeps so many trapped in a prison of twisted expectations...it's the same. there is no difference. so...just stop. amazingly...that IS the solution. but there is no way for that to happen until the roadblocks have been removed. there has to be some kind of comprehension. there has to be acceptance and acknowledgement. and it's not just one or two little beliefs. it's all of them. one misguided belief...and sadly...the hook remains set...waiting to take hold again. i feel a genuine sense of profound sadness when i've been witness to this. it somehow reinforces the idea that the trap has no exit. it exists to keep one trapped...that is it's nature. so many times...i've been witness to the crushing, demoralizing, dehumanizing trauma that is addiction. it's not a vice. it's not a habit. it's an addiction. and the cumulative lives ruined by this disease far exceed every other killer. strong, intelligent, decent human beings. all walks of life. we do not choose. by all accounts...if we were to go back with the knowledge we have now...surely the temptation would never lead us down it's perilous road. but the knowledge...when it becomes belief...it IS the way out. there is a solution. there really is nothing to give up. there is a choice...because it's the choice we were originally faced with...free of the taints of the mind. free of the trap that has kept us so thoroughly enthralled. there is liberation to be had. we've all been trapped. we all know that feeling. as with all other things...the broken records have never helped. if they had...we'd never have come to this point. so thoroughly dejected. so completely broken by something so simple. left to walk in the shadows of our own inner turmoil. it's a hellish kind of misery that we would not wish upon even our closest enemy. we ask for your understanding. your respect. because sadly...our own is desperately lacking. we're stuck. we have no idea how to get out. if we didn't find it morally objectionable...we would implore those of you that doubt our conviction to stumble down this path. walk a day in our tired old shoes and know it for yourself. it doesn't matter what this 'thing' is. it's the same story. wherever you come from...whatever roads you've been down...we understand. we know your misery. we know your pain. we know the ways in which you habitually stumble. we know your 'weakness'...and we know your strength. this is why we are here. so come forth...step out of the shadows. reclaim that which you feel has been taken. find joy in the simple elation of life. there is nothing else. without it you have nothing. and with it...you have everything.
  2. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and he has admitted he has a porn addiction, but he doesn't want to get help. He told me watching porn and looking at women (Twitter, Instagram, onlyfans, reddit) is a comfort thing for him, and it isn't him seeking something he isn't getting at home. Which I don't understand. He said it doesn't turn him on all the time, it's just something he has been doing for years and it's hard for him to stop. This has been a conversation of ours for a few months now, when I found a second Twitter account where he was commenting on other women's pictures/videos, acting single. He deleted this account, and his onlyfans account. He told me he was going to try to stop, because he knew he shouldn't be doing that in a relationship. This happen in March, and since then we have had the same conversation twice. He told me since we started dating he doesn't watch it as much as he use to. Last night I had left the room to make dinner, and 5 mins later I returned to grab something and caught him looking at porn. This confirmed a few things for me 1.) He wasn't truthful when he said he doesn't watch it as much 2.) He looks at it whenever I have my back turned 3.) He isn't trying to stop because he doesn't want to. When we discussed this, I told him again how it makes me feel, and how I wish he was obsessed with me like he was with other women. When we first started dating, I wanted to watch porn together and record ourselves to add some spice to our relationship, but he always turned down the idea, so I stopped suggesting it. I asked him last night why he always said no, he said it was because he wanted something different with me and he didn't want our relationship and sex life to be like it is in porn. He hadn't been in a relationship in over 6 years before me.. I want to make it clear that he isn't a bad boyfriend at all. I am actually the happiest I have ever been with him than anyone else. The issue isn't with porn itself (I watch it myself occasionally), the issue is that he has the constant need to do it, no matter where he is. Is this a red flag that I should be worried about, or give it the time for him to make the change like he says he will?
  3. Something I haven't written about here is that I've been an alcoholic since I was a teenager (I'm 36). Alcoholism runs in my family. My Mum's brother and Dad's father were alcoholics all their life. However I wasn't close to them at all and hardly knew them. My Dad literally never drank because he resented his father's drinking. My Mum hated her brother for his drinking and drinks very rarely and minimally. I started drinking as a teenager because I guess it's a big part of young people's culture here in Australia. Straight away I seemed to have an addiction to it (maybe genetic) and it's actually been a huge struggle to battle that addiction all my life. I feel so sad and frustrated with myself that this addiction controls me, and I so badly don't want it to. I first started seeing a drug and alcohol counsellor when I was 22. I'd had some bad drunken incidents before that but at 22 I had a very bad accident. I was really drunk and I fell face down at a train station. Apparently I was really close to the edge of the platform and nearly fell on the train tracks, but a station cleaner ran to me and pulled me back and saved my life. I smashed my face and knocked out a front tooth and knocked some other teeth so bad that I had to get four root canals. I was taken away in an ambulance and was in hospital overnight. I think after the counselling my drinking improved. When I was 24/25 though my alcoholism got so bad. I was in a two year relationship but I developed mental health issues and was in a psychiatric ward. After that my boyfriend broke up with me saying he didn't want to date someone with mental health problems. It was a very dark time in my life where I also gained 15 kg from some psychiatric medication. My drinking got so out of hand that I basically drank 1-2 bottles of wine every day for 1.5 years. I was completely addicted to drinking and the longest I could go without it was 1-2 days before the cravings got the better of me. I was drunk all the time even to the point of always going on dates and out with friends drunk. I learnt to function like that. When after six weeks I revealed to someone I was dating that I'd been drunk on every date, they were truly shocked because they had no idea! During that time I had maybe three shorter stays in a detox but I kept relapsing when I got out. I was I rehab for a month and it was a really good place. They made me go to four two hour Narcotics Anonymous meetings per week and I hated those NA meetings. I hate twelve step programmes because I'm an agnostic and I don't like all that talk about God and cult like feeling. Anyway going to all those AA and NA meetings knocked some sense into me. I'll never forget one story this man was telling where him and his wife were both alcoholics and she stuck a high heel shoe into his back when she was drunk! I'd heard some scary things in those meetings. I knew that I had no choice- I hated myself for being an alcoholic. So it was either I had to stop being one or I had to go to all those meetings, which I loathed lol Anyway I got out of rehab and didn't drink for six weeks and after that cut down on drinking a lot. For maybe two years barely drank. The past maybe six years I've been seeing a drug and alcohol counsellor at a really good free support service. My counsellor has said to me a number of times though that she doesn't think I truly want to stop drinking and I'm not making enough effort. I suppose that's true. It's like I feel so awful about myself that I drink but I feel like it's actually the alcohol controlling my life and I don't have control? I don't know how to be the one in control 😞 In COVID lockdown I think is when the drinking really spiralled out of control more. I live alone with no pets and my job was cancelled for six months. I'm an extremely social person so being alone 24/7 I was really going mad. I felt depressed and began to order bottles of wine on Uber Eats. The problem was I could literally order the wine anytime up until 10:30 p.m. I began to drink 1-2 bottles of wine at once at least a couple of times a week, sometimes more. I felt sick and my doctor thought I was developing gastritis. I considered going into rehab but the idea of not being home with no visitors at all due to COVID seemed daunting. Though I wasn't working for six months so I could have gone. Maybe I was just looking for excuses not to go. I went back to work about four months ago but those drinking habits seem to have stuck. I'm drinking basically every day now. I'm seeing this guy and I've been drunk on most of our dates, which he doesn't actually know. I don't think he's noticed but on most of our dates I'd had like a bottle of wine before I even came on the date. I feel like maybe I'm not even really into this guy that much but the alcohol made me feel like I was? Anyway last night I got high on these really strong painkillers and drank a bottle of wine and I was so buzzed. He came over and I was so drowsy and slow and making conversation was a huge effort. He woke up at 7 a.m. but I kinda wanted him to leave so I said I just wanted to keep sleeping and wasn't going to get up. So he went home. At 8 a.m. I drank more wine 😞 I know the drinking is becoming an issue again. I've permanently deleted all my food delivery accounts. I have a virtual appointment with my doctor and my counsellor tomorrow but I don't think my counsellor is happy with my progress. I hate AA but I did do a SMART Recovery meeting on Zoom once which was good. Maybe I'll start doing them again. I'd tried taking some anti drinking medications like Campral and Naltrexone but they caused depression and suicidal feelings and my doctor told me to stop them. I want to keep trying but it really just feels like I can't stop drinking. I feel so frustrated because other people just have one glass of wine with dinner and they're fine. But it's like there's something inside my brain that's not like everyone else. Has anyone here struggled with addiction of any kind? What did you do and what helped you?
  4. Found out my husband relapsed and was chatting with other women again. No one knows about his addiction and I’m feeling super isolated and hopeless. I guess just looking for some support...
  5. Every time I want to buy I will post here and someone tell me NO! 🤦♀️
  6. I've been dating this guy for around 5 months now. He is my first serious relationship as I wasn't that interested in serious dating before. He is my only sexual partner I've had and I'm his fourth. We're both 19. Before we started dating he watched porn like any other person. I also watched it before dating him, but after becoming sexually active I didn't really need it and started to find it a bit gross. He still kept watching it which didn't make me happy but I didn't think it was a big deal. It however started to feel like a problem after a couple months dating and the fact that he hadn't reduced his porn usage at all. Also his social media was littered with porn, lewd pictures, etc. He was following hundreds of half-nude female cosplayers, models and some just straight up porn stars. I didn't think much of it at the start of our relationship but it started to bother me more later on. I didn't know any other guy that would have the need to watch half naked women constantly and so casually. Also those pictures kept creeping up on my discovery feed saying "liked by (insert his username here) and it just felt nasty. It felt bad seeing all the half-naked, photoshopped and over-the-top pictures of women and thinking "this is what he wants". Also him having constant feed of sexy girls made it feel like he would be so used to the naked body, that when we are intimate it wouldn't feel that special. I didn't want to feel insecure about it, but it also didn't feel normal. Talking to other people also confirmed it really wasn't. After talking to him about it a few times and explaining that he wouldn't like it either if I was constantly looking at half-naked guys on my Ig and liking their pictures, he started unfollowing some of them to reduce it. After that I started to feel a little bit better, but still a bit bothered by the fact that he even needed all that. After a few months we got a change to be by ourselves at my place for a week, as my parents were going away. We're both young and still live at our parents place so it was a perfect moment to freely explore new kinks and just have fun. We agreed to not use any porn that week and he said it was no problem and that he doesn't even need it. The first four days went well, we had fun and sex was good. At the end of the week we decided to try some new stuff like tying up, etc. so we could have the most of our alone time. When it was my time to tie him up it went well. Not going into details. When it was his turn the next day, it just didn't work. He teased me for a short time, and then before the actual intercourse he just went soft. And it wouldn't be the first time during the last days that this would happen. During the last three days he went soft 3 times and the 2 other times we tried to have sex, was extremely fast and no foreplay. Needless to say I was a bit sad and disappointed. Before, at the start of the week, or even normally he doesn't really go soft like that. And now he went soft multiple times in a row. I could think it was because it was too much sex, but we've had even more before so I doubt it. So once the week was over I was sort of annoyed at the lack of sex, or the lack of quality in sex we had. It felt like we wasted our alone time, and he didn't even seem exited about the whole tying up thing which I thought would be fun (he didn't seem that exited about sex in general). I just felt like a bad cum bag. What hurt me even more was the last day. We tried having morning sex, failed because he went soft. Then before he was going to leave we had a quick (like 3-4m) session with no foreplay or anything. He came and I went to have a shower. The next day I found out that at home later that evening he had jerked off to porn. Normally it wouldn't feel like such a big deal. Problem was that I wasn't happy with the sex we had had at the end of the week, even when I had tried to spice it up. (which he didn't seem that interested in) And him going soft in an unusual way multiple times, having sex twice that day and still needing the porn. I felt sexually unsatisfied and inferior to the porn he had to rely on, still on the same day. It felt like he couldn't keep up with the pace because he needed his usual dosage of porn, and when he didn't get it, it started to show. I've tried to research on porn addiction before and some of the symptoms of withdrawal would be difficulty getting/staying up and lack of libido. And those haven't been a problem before so it seemed like a natural answer; that he was simply addicted and it was a problem. He himself has admitted before to be somewhat addicted to it. After some more research and thinking I suggested we try the 90-day no porn challenge. Masturbating is allowed, just porn wasn't. He agreed, since we see each other almost everyday anyway, it shouldn't have been that big of a deal. It's been about 1 and a half weeks since that. He hasn't watched porn but he did admit to thinking about it a lot when he's by himself. He also admitted to still using doujins to masturbate. And for those who don't know doujins are basically hentai in manga form, made by unofficial authors. (like fanfictions basically but drawn) He had told me before a week ago that he reads them and asked if they're okay. I asked if he masturbated to them, he answered no so I gave an okay to it. But now he admitted to using them for masturbation and just said that I was okay with them before. Even though before he said that he didn't use them for that. So it just felt like he was lying. Last night we talked about it, trying to figure out what to do. He kept saying it was a problem and he needs to fix it, while also being very much visibly frustrated about the situation and restrictions. At this point I'm just growing tired of caring about it. I still don't like it, and still feel inferior to his porn, but I've just grown so tired of watching him struggle because of it. I don't even know if it's actually a problem or just me being insecure and overreacting. Our relationship is full of problems as it is. He's emotionally a lot more immature, which makes things very difficult. Especially talking about our problems is difficult. He also gets addicted to things easily; energy drinks, phone, games, porn, etc. I just need advice on this. Should his porn usage be restricted, or should I ask him to take a complete break from it (like the 90 day thing). Or should I just not care about it and try to come to terms with it? I'm just so tired of thinking about this. I feel like it does affect our sex life negatively and if it didn't, it obviously wouldn't be a problem. I also don't want him to get so used to the naked body, because it makes intimacy less interesting and important. I'm sorry if this rant is a mess, I just need to get this out of my system.
  7. Okay! It's been almost after 1.5 years I began dating a guy! This Guy had a crush on me and has confessed me in the beginning of this month. Initially I was reluctant to date him but he has somehow convinced me and forced me to reconsider his proposal, so after a series of his indirect request to date him, I began dating him about two weeks ago. Now all of a sudden he said he can't see any future with me at all, and he's sure of nothing is going to work out between us. He still loves his ex and have feelings for her (he was with her ex 3years ago) even after such a long time of separation from her ex he still feels for her and not only that he now wants to end thing but he's afraid of hurting me. I just don't get it what should I do? Two weeks of online chat made him have feelings for me and also to now no feelings at all? I know I should break up immediately, but even I don't have enough guts to call it off. Perhaps I am so much addicted to him. What should I do, and how should I leave my addiction behind. And not check whether he's online or what is he up to? Please help!
  8. I am starting a thread to document my progress out of a toxic and unsuitable relationship. I have had a lot of success with support forums in the past, for both quitting cigarettes and cannabis, so I am hoping that this forum will finally help me to break ties with my toxic toad. Even though this has been a cyber relationship, I thought I would post here in 'Healing after Break Up or Divorce' because that is the goal that I am aiming for. I have wasted so much time on this idiot, who gives pretty much nothing. He does not seem to want to take our friendship to any kind of next level, I think some people just want to keep the connection casual through the Internet, but do not really want to connect in the real world. I assume this is what his story is. I will never know. I am addicted to the relationship like it is some kind of psychological addiction like gambling. I know this because I tried to go No Contact on June 11th this year, but due to the effects of a small change in my medication, I opened up my blog for one night last Saturday night (30th). Since then, the relationship has 'creeped back in' like any kind of drug would after a relapse. I know that I need support and a community to develop the skills to kick this toxic cyber relationship to the kerb once and for all. So, this is the start of my journal. Hope you are doing well! :)
  9. I started cutting when I was about 7 or 8, my older cousin was doing it and I was getting bullied so I tried. I'm now 15, and well I've been 'clean' per say since August. But anytime I get sad or stressed or anxious(I'm diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so all of the time bassically) I start to get what I can only describe as withdraw. I sweat heavily, I get cold and hot flashes, I get fevers and aches in my body. It feels like a tention migraine but it's in every single artery throbbing to the beat of my heart. It ends up being followed up by really bad thoughts and I ended up cutting and it fixed it. Am I addicted now? I've never thought this was cool I've tried so hard to stop but it seems to be the only thing that'll work or help.
  10. I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 years now, on and off. A little bit of background on us: He was diagnosed with bipolar type II about a year ago, though he doesn't seek regular help for it. He takes the medication he's given but doesn't seek therapy which has always concerned me. He's tried a few therapists in the past and none really clicked with him so he's given up on the notion entirely. He's in a very unique position job wise, he's a freelancer, and when he is working, it's usually away from home. He makes a substantial amount of money for the few months of work, then spends the rest of the year at home not doing a lot. He's an active smoker (weed), who probably smokes 4-8 joints a day. This never really bothered me, I enjoy smoking too like I enjoy a nice glass of wine after work, but I feel uncomfortable about the amount he smokes. I'm not sure why... It doesn't necessarily alter his mood, I think I just worry about his reliance on it. He says he just smokes because he's bored which I understand. I work a rigid 9-5 job, I'm also a naturally hard worker and he sits at home waiting for me every day. He also has a pretty bad cocaine addiction that comes and goes, I couldn't tell you the extent of it because I'm not sure I've ever gotten the full story, he never sought out help to overcome this addiction, he says he can deal with it himself. In the last 6 months, he relapsed, was in an awful place and cheated on me twice. When he relapses he does stupid things like messages other girls, send nude pictures of himself to other people, that sort of stuff. He justified this as he was coming out of his "bad time" saying he does this sort of stuff because he deserves to be sad, or when he looks at me all he sees is the awful stuff he's done to me and punishes himself. Very destructive behaviour. He has been off coke now for a few months after falling back into it on one of his work trips, he's been home now about 2 months and here is my issue: Every weekend he goes out. Without fail. His nights out aren't just a few drinks with the boys and then back home, it's multiple different substances, out at clubs until 8am sort of stuff. Now, he says he isn't doing coke, so I shouldn't be worried. He's always had an issue with limits, it's 100% or nothing with him which is part of the reason I fell in love with him. Recently he's been doing quite a bit of LSD, he says don't worry, 'I'm just micro-dosing'. It's just 'for fun' or 'to be creative'. Whenever I try to talk to him about his drug use he gets upset, tells me I'm being 'too judgmental' or 'making him feel like a junky'. If I'm being honest, I probably could phrase my words a bit better, but I'm often overwhelmed with emotion, though I am desperately trying to work on that. Because of this, he lies about his drug use a lot. Which I understand is my fault, if I was more positive about it all, he wouldn't lie, but now I've found myself monitoring his social media and 'drug apps'. I hate the idea of snooping but every time I do it, I find something I didn't want to see, so I keep going back to it. He's not doing coke which is the only thing he's been addicted to, so I shouldn't worry, right? Apart from this, he is the sweetest, most incredible guy. He makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world and I truly love him. I couldn't imagine life without him. Should I let this go? Am I being crazy? Thank you in advance!
  11. Lately I’ve been struggling with my purpose and have been striking out with the few women I’ve asked out/went on dates with. I’ve been focusing on social media and trying to show myself to be more of value. It’s almost to the point where I plan the end of my week to do things so I can show it on social media. Like this weekend I want to go to the beach just so I can vlog it. It’s like I’m craving attention. The attention mostly from one girl. I need to get out more but I feel like I’m just gonna do it just so I can show it off. This girl I met on vacation and I have been talking sorta. I want to meet up and she wants to too apparently but from her actions she’s not trying to at all. I set dates but she just doesn’t respond until I post something on social media usually of me/me drinking or selfies. I don’t want to fake my social media but I take pictures of potential hobby interest like surfing which I want to do but also because I think it would make me more cool. Is that wrong? She thinks I’m a fun guy who does what I want. If she knew the truth she would completely uninterested. I only travel because of my job which I hate. I want to go to college but I’m afraid of being that broke college student in his 20s. But I crave the attention from this girl/ other girls and I want to see her but she’s just to difficult. When it comes to girls I let them live and come to me. While I’m doing that with this girl while portraying my interest by trying to see her it just seems like it’s all me and not her. It’s straight in my face her low interest yet I’m still putting myself in the same spot. It feels like I’m doing everything to get her attention. Tho I don’t portray it at all. I give a lot of space but I always respond. I want to have an idgaf attitude when it comes to rejection and people who aren’t into me. I’m just unhappy with my life. I want to be that genuine fun person who goes surfing and goes to the beach. While I do want to do these things at the end of the day I feel that need to post on social media. Any advice on going out alone. I think I’m developing an addiction to alcohol a bit. I like drinking it makes me the person I want to be. Going to college in the fall so I’m gonna have to make new friends but whenever I don’t drink I feel so nervous about speaking to people. When I drink I’m the complete opposite(not drunk only takes two/three beers to get that way) but that’s how it starts addiction right. Also my current friends kinda suck and we don’t have the same interest. They never wanna go out and do new things it’s always bowling and eating. Still afraid of going out alone to clubs tho it eases after I start drinking. I feel like I need to let this girl go. At the same time I don’t want to ignore her or mess up potential plans to see her again. I always wait for her to text me. Depressing because I’m just waiting days for it. Until I post on social media. Scarcity mindset. It would cost 500-600$ just to meet up with this girl so it’s kinda a big deal to communicate. She’s just so freaking hot and I’m so attracted to her and her personality that it’s hard to ignore her. She may just be using me as attention or just has low interest. Plus I think to myself what would even come of us if we do meet. Me leaving and her going back to low contact while I fall for her more. Yikes! Need to develop that idc attitude. Btw 6 months post break up with ex. Think about her everyday. Last week she was really on my mind a lot. Got through it tho. I miss that shared connection but not much me and hers connection. Thank you.
  12. I have decided that I’m just not relationship material. I have a severe addiction to quack and honk. It’s all I think about. All I want to do is chase them demons that quack and honk. They haunt my dreams at night, when I’m at work or seasons closed I’m watching it on YouTube, working on decoys, tuning calls. Now I’m going through withdrawals because I can’t get any more quack or honk chasing again until September. Guess I’ll have to get my fix by getting some gobble and spitting and drumming in April.
  13. I've always known I had issues with things like depression and anxiety, but after turning 25 recently it hit me how dysfunctional I am in general and I'm not sure what the best steps are to take to get help. I grew up with an alcoholic narcissist mother (father wasn't there much) and she sent me away to a wilderness and boarding school program at age 16. After getting out at age 18 I didn't know how to adjust back to the real world and started smoking weed all day every day. I also started stripping as I had issues keeping other jobs and focusing in school due to my addictions. It's now been almost 7 years of stripping and I've spent the majority of my money on plastic surgery which was not a wise idea (I have severe body dysmorphia, not that its a valid excuse for my actions). Over time I've developed alcoholism myself and I have an average of 5-10 drinks almost every day, and more recently a bit of a coke addiction as well. I'm currently staying back with my mom as she recently had surgery and I've been helping her out, but now she is healed and wants me out of her house and I'm not sure what the best move is. She is aware of my situation but doesn't really seem too concerned about it (my father is mentally ill himself and though he is a loving dad, can barely help himself yet alone me). Do I go to rehab? Counseling? AA meetings? I can tell it's a matter of time before something extremely disastrous happens. I'm not trying to come off with a victim mentality as I realize I've done this to myself, I'm just genuinely unsure of what the next move is and don't feel like I have anyone to turn to and help me. I do have other family I can go stay with for awhile if need be but I still don't know the next steps to take for long-term solutions. Thanks in advance.
  14. I just got ghosted from a 9-month relationship with a woman I deeply loved...it has been hard on me. I went to a therapist and was diagnosed as codependant - which I agree with. One of the exercises the therapist had me perform was to create a list of what I didn't like about the girl, and another list of why it was good to be rid of her - I was shocked about how bad she really was for me! Alchoholic, addicted to weed, her kids didnt like me, etc. So I now know she was the wrong person for me and brought nothing but drama, negativity, and pain into my life. But she keeps popping into my head, and I get a little endorphin rush when it happens. I then start to think immediately of how to contact her - but can't. It's irrational, obsessive, and anguishing. I am now alone and can not stop the thoughts from popping in - and I dream about her too which makes it worse! Can anyone give me some techniques to help this cycle to stop?
  15. I left my boyfriend last night and told him I needed space and wanted to stay at my mom's. I woke up at 5 AM worried about the future. I am supposed to go home for lunch and I was going to have a talk with him about his addiction. He smokes pot everyday and I found a straw with white powdery substance in the dining room on the floor so I think he is using other drugs too. I really want out.
  16. I posted here in July. My world can do an end after finding out my guy had been going to massage parlors. For six months after we tried and yes I did lash out really bad at him. He finally had enough and left me last week and has turned cold as ice to me, I understand I had to get over it but how can he blame me for having been hurt and angry? I know it’s better but I really thought he was my best friend
  17. Let me start from the beginning, who I and my boyfriend are now are not who we were when we started dating 2 and half years ago. From day one we lived together because he had no where else to go. We met at the restaurant we both worked at and we instantly fell in love. We spent every day together, even while we were at work. About 3 months into our relationship I realized he was doing downers and we got him off of those. we got him the help he needed and things were back to normal. But then the beginning of last year we were partying A LOT. We had a four-bedroom house with two other roommates and we all partied. We all got into cocaine and we didn't stop, for months. Things were all fun and games until my boyfriend became extremely mad, upset, controlling. Not the person I had met at all. It only became worse the more we did it and the more alcohol we drank on cocaine. The liquor only made his aggression even worse. He never hit me, he could never do that to me but he grabbed me to the point of leaving marks, he shoved me and he said the meanest things. We knew we had to change but we couldn't. Every night he had an episode, he'd wake up the next morning a totally different person, sucking up, knowing he did wrong, saying he WANTED to change but he needed my help to do it. I was so far deep in it that I could no longer say no either and together we couldn't do it. After a year on it and thousands of dollars in debt because of it, we were starting to do better but the withdrawals were still making us fight almost every day. I came home this last weekend and got blackout drunk at my family Christmas where I had a mental breakdown and told them everything. I don't remember doing it at all and the next day I wasn't allowed to go back and they went and grabbed all my stuff from our apartment. I left and never returned, I didn't even get to say bye and the worst part is he never saw this coming. But I never saw it coming either, this wasn't my plan. My plan was to get through this together, we were always a team, especially since he was showing improvement. So much improvement. We didn't see this coming because within the last month we have worked really hard on fixing our relationship and fixing us. We agreed we'd work on; no more cocaine, no more drinking, only getting better. He got a new job, we were going to start paying back our bills, we were going to start going to the gym, go hiking, anything to get our minds off of our withdrawals. This was the first month I actually believed him that things were going to change for the better because two weeks ago he quit his job at a bar where he was drinking every night and had easy access to cocaine or Adderall. He got accepted at a really good job that was going to keep him out of trouble and he did this all for me, to treat me better. This job was going to allow us to be away from each other every other week which was going to be great for us as far as our trust for each other went, as far as us being able to live a normal life since we had spent every day for two and half years side by side. But I came home and I ruined his chance of changing for the better. I know it needed to happen because i need to fix myself too. I've been pretty depressed since stopping coke and i know I need to fix that for us to move forward because we both need to be happy but its the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still want to get in my car and drive back to him and pretend I never told anyone so we could actually try to get out of this hole we got ourselves in but I'm also not positive we could have done it alone. He touched me in a wrong way and people cant just forgive him for that. Everyone knows him as this horrible monster and that's not how I wanted him to be seen at all, but that's how I saw him for a while. Now that I'm here and trying to finish my school, pay bills I still love him and I still want to be with him. The purpose of this forum is for me to get feedback on what people think. Is this relationship fixable if both of us get help or is it too far gone? We've been through a lot together and were happy for so long but is there any hope in everyone forgetting and forgiving or is it too damaged to go back to who we were two and half years ago. Am I nuts for wanting to go back to someone who touched me like that and emotionally wrecked me for a while or is it understanding that it was the drugs and liquor that made him that way? Is there hope he can still be the nice, compassionate person I first met?
  18. Hi everyone. This is a really great site with a lot of different opinions considering this issue...one that I am actually trying to cope with as well. However, my problem is somewhat different. My boyfriend also watches porn on a regular basis and it feels on more than a few occasions that we don't have sex because he's already gotten off that day. I am 19 and he's 17. I thought (maybe I'm mistaken) that guys that age would LOVE having sex. We've been going out for almost two years and I wouldn't say that our sex life is boring. My boyfriend is an incredibly honest person, and he's told me that sometimes it feels like routine (which I don't take offense to because it's a reality) but for the most part it feels great because we don't see each other that much. I have found porn on his computer. I wasn't snooping, I just stumbled upon it and it triggered off a inhumane rage in me. I freaked me out . Then I found it a couple more times and soon there was a reoccurring pattern: he didn't have sex with me on the days he already pleased himself. He admitted to me not too long ago that he thought he had a problem being addicted, however, it was NOT a porn addiction; it was a SEX addicition and porn was just made the sexual fantasy better. He told me he was exposed to this at a long age due to the unrestricted boundaries of the internet. When he told me this, I felt a much deeper understanding of him and his addiction and I have tried to cope with it and even tried to help him. He's made me put up firewalls on his computer and administrative passwords so he can't access porn, but he's always found a way to beat these barriers and find a way to porn. He wouldn't tell me when he beat the barriers, partly because, I think, he wanted the presense of porn which really makes me question if he wants to beat this. He told me about his addiction months ago, but he continues to get off to porn alot. I have told him how much it bothers and hurts me and how it completely drains my self-esteem. Even though I go out and guys constantly compliment my attractiveness, HE is the only one I care about and I feel unattractive to him. I feel he's way more turned on about the things he sees on screen rather than in flesh. He told me (and we're not fighting when we talk, we actually embrace each other) that it's a form of procrastination because school really stresses him out and it just happens to effect me. Every time he looks at porn, he feels guilty and like complete crap. When I did confront him again about looking at porn on his computer he freaked out on me and turned the issue against me. Porn disgusts me because I feel that so much of society is infiltrated with thoughts of sex, and porn worsens it. Erotica is different, but porn is...dirty (for lack of a better word). I felt so insulted that he turned the issue against me, that I threatened to break up with him and he was devastated. I know this makes me sound like a complete * * * * *, but I believe that someone in this thread said that actions speak louder than words. (For example, on one special occasion when we planned to have sex and make it special because we hadn't been with each for a while due to school, he got off that day and I was left just standing there completely rejected. He seemed to have wanted the porn more than real sex). I just hate feeling like I need to compete with his hand to be intimate with him. He's admitted his sex obbession to me. He says it's ingrained into his mind and how there's apparently no cure, but only control. He seems willing most of the time to overcome this, but at other times he feels he's so hopeless. I want to help him but when we talk about it, we talk about it for like 30 minutes, and then forget about it (though its still on my mind) and maybe after a week the whole problem arises again. I dont want this issue to be the focus of our lives but its on my mind alot. Has anyone been to counselling, and if so, has it helped alot or a little, or at all? I'm not selfish. I want his life to operate normally without having to feel so bad about himself, and I admit, I want a normal sex life. I dont want either of us to feel like we have to book a date with each other on a day he hasnt jacked off so we can be intimate. It feels so planned. Any words of advice would be nice. Criticisms would be nice too. Thanks ;-)
  19. During the 5 days after I moved out of his house, suprisingly I only felt exhausted instead of being devastated . Had a few down moments but that was it. I thought I really loved him, how come I don't feel that bad after break-up? Anyway, last Saturday I went to his house to pick up the rest of my stuff. We were quiet friendly and he hugged me a few times. Then I mentioned that I wanted our sex tapes to be erased. He refused and told me he wanted to keep them. So we started fighting but he just wouldn't do it. I know he had a sex tape of his other ex gf and one time he even said if I would like to watch it. I was like "are you sick? I like to watch female bodis doesn't mean I like to watch your naked ex gf!!" (don't get me wrong. I am not a lesbian. I just think women are more beautiful then men. they are art) and I asked him he needed to get rid of it at certain point of our relationship. He said no way. Now he has my sex tape and who knows if he would show it to his next gf or not. He told me that's how he remembers his past. It's his memory. and I am making too much a big deal out of it. howeveer, to me it's very disrespectful and I don't think he has the right of doing so. Later on, he told me he still loves me just as he did seven days ago when I left him. He said he sees me as the person he can spend his whole life with. Now things are not going well and we should take a break from each other to see how we feel. He will quit smoking one day because he wants to. If I move to some other places for my new job, as long as it's in FL, he will consider moving with me. My emotions are so messed up...how someone could love you and do those stupid disrespectful things at the same time? I am so confused..
  20. okay so im at christmas dinner last night. im not too big on family gatherings but i went anyway(my dad took my car where else was i gonna go) and we get there and my aunt shows up with no warning. my aunt is junkie. a complete heroin addict. she is also a lesbian. she just chose to come out to my grandparents at christmas dinner. her girlfriend just happened to be african american. and made countless jokes about our "cracker *** family" which in my oppinion was inappropriate. more than that they were both high. they were doing coke the whole night and i was the only one who noticed,(what a coincidence, me the former coke addict notcies lol who'd of thought) i even asked and she came clean when i she realized she was cornered and couldnt lie her way out. i didnt say anything to anyone because well it was christmas and im no saint but it sure was an interesting night. oh by the way my aunt is 37 her gf is 17(but looks 30) so yeah. now my question is, i know that everyone has stuff like this happen but does it normally happen all at once like this? i mean this is nuts it was fit to be a tv show. i dont think my family is normal lol
  21. I am a self confessed sugar addict. I eat sugar all day and i crave it all day too. I never crave anything healthy (although i do eat healthy quite a bit) but i have decided i want to give up eating processed sugar but how help xxxxx
  22. I am in some real need of advice today. My b/f (on and off) for4 1/2 years broke up with me over a month ago. I was talking to my friends the day before he ended it and I was telling them how unhappy I was in the relationship. I am from the city and was about to move to the middle of no where and give up my job, friends etc. to be out there with him. It was definitely a one sided relationship. I did everything and he contributed nothing. . .wouldn't even hang out with my friends. I KNEW I was miserable. The night he ended it I was devasted!! I still get upset and think about it all of the time. I cry, I have not been good at no contact and tell him how much I miss him. I feel very lonely and all of that. Am I going crazy?? I was miserable!!!??? It was a terrible relationship. He had ended things about 10 times in the past. It is always the same thing. He dumps me and I go crazy. I know I don't want the type of lifestyle he lives and he was basically not good to me. I am holding on to the whole 4 things he might have done for me in the past. I don't get it. . .why am I even upset??? Am I just wanting something I can't have?
  23. My mom called today and wanted me to find out where a gambling anonymous meeting was, I found out and she said she is ready to get help. She called back and asked me if I could go with her, and I told her I didn't think I was allowed since I don't have a gambling addiction and said "you know like can't go with me to NA meetings." then she says "what's NA?" when I explained it was narcotics anonymous she freaked out on me. She knows (at least I think she should) that I was heavily addicted to drugs for a long time, she is the one who checked me into rehab 4 times, I guess she has "blocked it out" but she called her counselor who called me and was mad that I brought it up, I didn't know it was off limits. She says she isn't going to speak to me now (my mom) because she didn't know her daughter was a "druggie", I have been clean for a long time now, I don't think I am still a "druggie" and it makes me mad that she isn't going to speak to me, I mean I talk to her and she is right in the middle of her addiction, surely since I go to meetings to keep clean that's a good thing right? I know I can't control any of this and I am trying to remember that, but it just makes me mad.
  24. I just wanted to post a little bit about what I went through with my addiction. Maybe it will help somebody out in the long run if they hear my story. I think the first time I smoked marijuana was at 12. My mom always told me that "weed is a gateway drug" Yeah right whatever!!! HAHA.. boy was she ever write. I moved to Ohio when I was 14, my dad is an alcohalic and I felt I had to take care of him. WRONG CHOICE!!! When I was 17 I met a boy. At first it was soo good, nothing could go wrong. Well, I was always wondering why he would nodd off, or be really itchy at times. I finally asked him like 3 months later, and he's like do you want to try this pill? Well yeah. I mean who wouldn't. Then I started to get addicted. From Vikadin to Delatdids. That went on for about 3 1/2 years. I was so hooked, I wouldn't even get out of bed unless I had something. My back always hurt, I was just always in pain. I began to notice I was just like my father. That sucked! Pulled myself in even deeper, and started shooting up. I was shooting for about 1 year. My boyfriend was just absolutly insane. He was sooo bad on drugs, and sooo mean. Abusive, physical and verbal. But I was so hooked I didn't want to go anywhere, because those drugs were for free. Well I finally broke up with him in Feb. of 06'. It was like the BIGGEST relief off my shoulder I have ever had. Well, I moved in with his step dad and sister at their apartment. Started smoking crack. To this day I would never think I would be that person. I always said I will never do any other drug besides Weed. HA Forget that... Ive done everything under the sun. Like when I would look in the mirror at myself I would just want to puke, I hated myself. It got to the point where I didn't want to look anymore. Staying up for days, running around looking for * * * *. Just crazy how my life was. My X boyfriend and his sister went out one night on a 4 day crack beinge. That was it for me. I called my mom from a payphone and told her "Look mom I need you so bad right now, Im smoking crack, shootin pills and coke...PLEASE SAVE ME" She sent me to rehab. May 18, 2006 I got clean. That was the best and most scariest time of my life. I was sick of being sick and tired. I was scared to walk through those doors, scared of change, scared what it was like not to be drugged up, scared of everything. Rehab changed my life in more ways than I can count. I have been clean for 4 months TODAY, and Im a totally different person. If you would have known me BEFORE the drugs, you would have never thought I would be that type of person. I love my life now. I can look in the mirror now, and not be ashamed of seeing myself looking so deathly skinny. I love myself for once in my life. Life was hard, I always seemed to put myself in a situation where it would be difficult. But one thing I learned "God will never put anything in your life you can't handle." I attend N/A meetings regularly and they are great. They do help you. Well, that is my story. Just wanted to share, maybe it will help somebody. If you want to know more, cause' that was just a summary, just ask. Im not ashamed of what I went through. It only made me stronger. Thank you guys, Abby
  25. Hello, I'm a long time reader of this forum and have enjoyed all of the insightful posts that I have read over the years. My whole life I have been shy and it wasn't until recently that I began developing some self-confidence. As I struggled with confidence issues over the years, I promised myself that if I ever overcame those issues I would do whatever I could to help others who went through the hell that I endured. I tried everything in websites, books, etc, all in an effort to "overcome" shyness. Frankly, it disgusts me that shyness is perpetrated as a disease within society and the media. Sadly, the media portrays self-confidence as being directly tied to an out-going or extroverted personality type. Shyness is NOT a disease and is NOT something that has to be suppressed or overcome in order to fit into the cookie cutter dimensions of society. At least 50% of the world's population are shy to varying degrees. Why should shy people feel inadequate or unhappy when we are in fact the majority? Now, what I am suggesting may not work for everyone, but it definitely worked for me when nothing else did. Like many of you I tried "easing" my self into being outgoing, little by little each day. But in my opinion, this sets you up for greater failure. Constantly trying to alter myself in an attempt to gain confidence only made me more miserable. It felt as though for every step I was taking forward I would end up taking two steps back because I still had no clue about who I was as a person. Here are some simple steps I took to embrace my shyness. 1. ACCEPT AND EMBRACE YOUR INDIVIDUALITY/SHYNESS Your shy. So what? Over half the population is shy, so who cares? Not everyone is outgoing, just like not everyone is good at sports/music/math/writing etc. Another big thing for me is admitting, almost revelling, in my shyness. For some reason, society views shyness as a character flaw or something that one should be ashamed of. Instead of making up excuses as to why you don't want to go to the bar on a specific night or why you didn't ask someone out, just admit your shyness. What's the worse that can happen? Most of the time, the person that you divulge your shyness to will actually admit their own social inadequacies. Oddly enough, this is incredibly liberating because your not hiding behind anything anymore. And as I know, shy people tend to put up a lot of barriers in order to protect themselves. Interestingly, admiting your weaknesses almost makes them a point of strength. 2. GET RID OF DEPENDENCIES, GET ADDICTED TO YOURSELF. My God that's corny! Anyhoo, as I shy person I tend to get addicted to things very easily. Alcohol was a big problem for me. I would drink myself silly in order to feel more outgoing and confident. As it escalated, I would self-medicate my depression or nerves with alcohol at an ever-increasing rate until I broke down. I actually was less sure of myself and less aware of who I was then ever before. To discover yourself, you have to get rid of your crutches and walk alone. Instead of alcohol or drugs, find hobbies that genuinely make you happy. If you enjoy sports/music/dance/videogames etc., make a serious effort to find time for these activities. You are a great, talented, and unique individual. Just because you don't have excellent social skills or don't particularly enjoy social situations doesn't mean that your useless. Social skills are simply that, skills. They are no different from playing guitar, painting, or fixing cars. You wouldn't cast yourself off as being useless or unworthy of life because you weren't good at math, would you? 3. LOOK YOUR BEST/FEEL YOUR BEST Maximize your confidence buy getting nice clothes, haircut, etc. Go to the gym and try to eat a healthier diet that will boost your energy levels. You are important. You are the best. You may not be perfect but you have a lot of skills that others are envious of. If you are confident in and embrace your shyness then it doesn't matter what others think because you know and accept your limitations and what makes you human. I hope this helps others who are struggling with confidence.
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