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About Me

  1. Looking for advice but also needing to vent and let out some of the hurt. My bf and I are going on 3 years together, we're both 30. We haven't been truly intimate in almost a year. I'm open with him about how it hurts me and how I don't feel like he's still attracted to me even though he says he is. I try to initiate intimacy but it gets met with changing the subject, moving away from me, putting focus on something in the room like the TV or the dog, making jokes. I've lost track of how many times we've fought over it and I end up depressed, feeling worse while he makes empty promises that he'll make an effort to try more. But he never does. Then yesterday he told me he has a p**n addiction and he thinks it's easier to handle himself that way than to actually involve me in it. Ouch. I don't have an issue with him watching it, hell, I watch it, but my heart hurts that he would rather do that than to make an effort with me. And he didn't seem bothered to tell me. (I'd also like to point out that during past intimate moments I'm very involved so it's not like I'm asking for an arm or a leg). He tells me often that I'm his soul mate and he would do anything for me but this issue is still so prevalent and no action actually gets taken to work on it. It's like all the effort that gets put into avoiding it could be put into actually working on it...ugh. I hate to admit it but I consider cheating on him a lot, but I know that I just want the feeling of being wanted by someone and it wouldn't be anything of substance... but I really want that feeling again... Idk I feel like I'm losing it and wanting to throw in the towel. Intimacy isn't everything in a relationship and I understand that but it's one of the ways I enjoy connecting with my partner and I thought he did too and it wasn't an issue before. I know addiction isn't personal but I can't help but feel self conscious... is it my body? My hair? Do I smell bad? Is my conversation a turn off? Really does have me looking in the mirror different... thanks cardi. Any advice for this hurting person? Anyone been through something similar? 💔😔
  2. So with my husband we both struggle with addiction.😡 Due to are addiction we can't seem to get anywhere with each other it's completely ***ing frustrating. I feel like I've always pushed us to do better. I just don't know what to do anymore because any time I suggest something to him he will either agree and not do it or agree and do it when he feels like doing it basically. I need help on what you think I should do we are struggling badly with communicating, and with addiction he doesn't want to stop or he will and then boom it if no where he's right back to his addiction and we are right back where we have always been and I'm so tired of it idk how to get threw to him. What would you do if you were me?
  3. i find it difficult to believe that those that have never walked in these shoes could ever fully understand what this is like. but really...i think it would be impossible for you to not understand certain aspects. it's still strange for me to talk about this. there are very few people that seem to get it. a choice in itself. to get it...is to open one's being to that same vulnerability. perhaps i've been conditioned by the general reaction. there are ALWAYS undertones that this whole process was a choice. alas, to choose misery would be a madness. in some respects...it was a choice. the initial choice. the first time. but at that point...it would've been difficult to imagine the way things played out. yes...i was told a thousand times...by a thousand different people...this is wrong. there's no good that can come of it. but the full appreciation...the knowledge, wisdom...there is just no way to know that...until it's happened. i have been surrounded by people my entire life that refuse to see the person as anything other than the label. as in mental illness...the actual person is not seen. the label trumps all else. yes...it's a generalization...but the consistency of the sentiments is overwhelming. it's a choice. snap out of it. unfortunately...these people do not understand. this...thing...has robbed six years of my life from me. it's reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. it's added a neverending cycle of stress and anxiety to my life. it's robbed me of that youthful sense of vigor...my energy...my motivation to do many things that i once enjoyed. paralyzing. it is...and has been...the last thing i think about before i go to sleep. not in the sense that i need to indulge...but that i've been systematically destroying something i consider precious...and become very adept at driving the full implications of that away. life becomes a lesson in deceit. myself. my friends. decpetion is a friend...because it's the one thing that allows me to cling to a dissipating sense of self-respect. there is no control. the addiction fuels habits. life becomes a means to satisfy that hunger. and the sad truth...is that the 'help' that exists is horrendously out of touch with what has actually happened. if it were truly 'in touch'...the numbers would provide a staggering solution. yes...some people give it up...and lead genuinely happy existences...but they are by far the minority. there are many that have come and gone through my social radar...and there has only been one that has successfully ended this cycle...permanently. one. it's shocking. can you imagine the misery of still possessing the desire...but refraining. one's life would become consumed by that desire. the entire existence becomes about that moment when the need can finally be satiated. this is not a solution. it's misery. and it's real. i reflect on how well we mask our true feelings. i can't help but assume that these 'happy' ex-abusers are skilled in the same art. there are definitely exceptions...i realize. one could ask...why didn't you just stop. it's not a question of weakness. i possess a certain strengh that permeates ALL other aspects of my life. it's a lack of tools. i'm amazed that this conclusion didn't dawn on me sooner. it's really a question of perspective. it's a shift in the reality. that old familiar mental filter...the cognitive trick that keeps so many trapped in a prison of twisted expectations...it's the same. there is no difference. so...just stop. amazingly...that IS the solution. but there is no way for that to happen until the roadblocks have been removed. there has to be some kind of comprehension. there has to be acceptance and acknowledgement. and it's not just one or two little beliefs. it's all of them. one misguided belief...and sadly...the hook remains set...waiting to take hold again. i feel a genuine sense of profound sadness when i've been witness to this. it somehow reinforces the idea that the trap has no exit. it exists to keep one trapped...that is it's nature. so many times...i've been witness to the crushing, demoralizing, dehumanizing trauma that is addiction. it's not a vice. it's not a habit. it's an addiction. and the cumulative lives ruined by this disease far exceed every other killer. strong, intelligent, decent human beings. all walks of life. we do not choose. by all accounts...if we were to go back with the knowledge we have now...surely the temptation would never lead us down it's perilous road. but the knowledge...when it becomes belief...it IS the way out. there is a solution. there really is nothing to give up. there is a choice...because it's the choice we were originally faced with...free of the taints of the mind. free of the trap that has kept us so thoroughly enthralled. there is liberation to be had. we've all been trapped. we all know that feeling. as with all other things...the broken records have never helped. if they had...we'd never have come to this point. so thoroughly dejected. so completely broken by something so simple. left to walk in the shadows of our own inner turmoil. it's a hellish kind of misery that we would not wish upon even our closest enemy. we ask for your understanding. your respect. because sadly...our own is desperately lacking. we're stuck. we have no idea how to get out. if we didn't find it morally objectionable...we would implore those of you that doubt our conviction to stumble down this path. walk a day in our tired old shoes and know it for yourself. it doesn't matter what this 'thing' is. it's the same story. wherever you come from...whatever roads you've been down...we understand. we know your misery. we know your pain. we know the ways in which you habitually stumble. we know your 'weakness'...and we know your strength. this is why we are here. so come forth...step out of the shadows. reclaim that which you feel has been taken. find joy in the simple elation of life. there is nothing else. without it you have nothing. and with it...you have everything.
  4. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and he has admitted he has a porn addiction, but he doesn't want to get help. He told me watching porn and looking at women (Twitter, Instagram, onlyfans, reddit) is a comfort thing for him, and it isn't him seeking something he isn't getting at home. Which I don't understand. He said it doesn't turn him on all the time, it's just something he has been doing for years and it's hard for him to stop. This has been a conversation of ours for a few months now, when I found a second Twitter account where he was commenting on other women's pictures/videos, acting single. He deleted this account, and his onlyfans account. He told me he was going to try to stop, because he knew he shouldn't be doing that in a relationship. This happen in March, and since then we have had the same conversation twice. He told me since we started dating he doesn't watch it as much as he use to. Last night I had left the room to make dinner, and 5 mins later I returned to grab something and caught him looking at porn. This confirmed a few things for me 1.) He wasn't truthful when he said he doesn't watch it as much 2.) He looks at it whenever I have my back turned 3.) He isn't trying to stop because he doesn't want to. When we discussed this, I told him again how it makes me feel, and how I wish he was obsessed with me like he was with other women. When we first started dating, I wanted to watch porn together and record ourselves to add some spice to our relationship, but he always turned down the idea, so I stopped suggesting it. I asked him last night why he always said no, he said it was because he wanted something different with me and he didn't want our relationship and sex life to be like it is in porn. He hadn't been in a relationship in over 6 years before me.. I want to make it clear that he isn't a bad boyfriend at all. I am actually the happiest I have ever been with him than anyone else. The issue isn't with porn itself (I watch it myself occasionally), the issue is that he has the constant need to do it, no matter where he is. Is this a red flag that I should be worried about, or give it the time for him to make the change like he says he will?
  5. Found out my husband relapsed and was chatting with other women again. No one knows about his addiction and I’m feeling super isolated and hopeless. I guess just looking for some support...
  6. Every time I want to buy I will post here and someone tell me NO! 🤦♀️
  7. I've been dating this guy for around 5 months now. He is my first serious relationship as I wasn't that interested in serious dating before. He is my only sexual partner I've had and I'm his fourth. We're both 19. Before we started dating he watched porn like any other person. I also watched it before dating him, but after becoming sexually active I didn't really need it and started to find it a bit gross. He still kept watching it which didn't make me happy but I didn't think it was a big deal. It however started to feel like a problem after a couple months dating and the fact that he hadn't reduced his porn usage at all. Also his social media was littered with porn, lewd pictures, etc. He was following hundreds of half-nude female cosplayers, models and some just straight up porn stars. I didn't think much of it at the start of our relationship but it started to bother me more later on. I didn't know any other guy that would have the need to watch half naked women constantly and so casually. Also those pictures kept creeping up on my discovery feed saying "liked by (insert his username here) and it just felt nasty. It felt bad seeing all the half-naked, photoshopped and over-the-top pictures of women and thinking "this is what he wants". Also him having constant feed of sexy girls made it feel like he would be so used to the naked body, that when we are intimate it wouldn't feel that special. I didn't want to feel insecure about it, but it also didn't feel normal. Talking to other people also confirmed it really wasn't. After talking to him about it a few times and explaining that he wouldn't like it either if I was constantly looking at half-naked guys on my Ig and liking their pictures, he started unfollowing some of them to reduce it. After that I started to feel a little bit better, but still a bit bothered by the fact that he even needed all that. After a few months we got a change to be by ourselves at my place for a week, as my parents were going away. We're both young and still live at our parents place so it was a perfect moment to freely explore new kinks and just have fun. We agreed to not use any porn that week and he said it was no problem and that he doesn't even need it. The first four days went well, we had fun and sex was good. At the end of the week we decided to try some new stuff like tying up, etc. so we could have the most of our alone time. When it was my time to tie him up it went well. Not going into details. When it was his turn the next day, it just didn't work. He teased me for a short time, and then before the actual intercourse he just went soft. And it wouldn't be the first time during the last days that this would happen. During the last three days he went soft 3 times and the 2 other times we tried to have sex, was extremely fast and no foreplay. Needless to say I was a bit sad and disappointed. Before, at the start of the week, or even normally he doesn't really go soft like that. And now he went soft multiple times in a row. I could think it was because it was too much sex, but we've had even more before so I doubt it. So once the week was over I was sort of annoyed at the lack of sex, or the lack of quality in sex we had. It felt like we wasted our alone time, and he didn't even seem exited about the whole tying up thing which I thought would be fun (he didn't seem that exited about sex in general). I just felt like a bad cum bag. What hurt me even more was the last day. We tried having morning sex, failed because he went soft. Then before he was going to leave we had a quick (like 3-4m) session with no foreplay or anything. He came and I went to have a shower. The next day I found out that at home later that evening he had jerked off to porn. Normally it wouldn't feel like such a big deal. Problem was that I wasn't happy with the sex we had had at the end of the week, even when I had tried to spice it up. (which he didn't seem that interested in) And him going soft in an unusual way multiple times, having sex twice that day and still needing the porn. I felt sexually unsatisfied and inferior to the porn he had to rely on, still on the same day. It felt like he couldn't keep up with the pace because he needed his usual dosage of porn, and when he didn't get it, it started to show. I've tried to research on porn addiction before and some of the symptoms of withdrawal would be difficulty getting/staying up and lack of libido. And those haven't been a problem before so it seemed like a natural answer; that he was simply addicted and it was a problem. He himself has admitted before to be somewhat addicted to it. After some more research and thinking I suggested we try the 90-day no porn challenge. Masturbating is allowed, just porn wasn't. He agreed, since we see each other almost everyday anyway, it shouldn't have been that big of a deal. It's been about 1 and a half weeks since that. He hasn't watched porn but he did admit to thinking about it a lot when he's by himself. He also admitted to still using doujins to masturbate. And for those who don't know doujins are basically hentai in manga form, made by unofficial authors. (like fanfictions basically but drawn) He had told me before a week ago that he reads them and asked if they're okay. I asked if he masturbated to them, he answered no so I gave an okay to it. But now he admitted to using them for masturbation and just said that I was okay with them before. Even though before he said that he didn't use them for that. So it just felt like he was lying. Last night we talked about it, trying to figure out what to do. He kept saying it was a problem and he needs to fix it, while also being very much visibly frustrated about the situation and restrictions. At this point I'm just growing tired of caring about it. I still don't like it, and still feel inferior to his porn, but I've just grown so tired of watching him struggle because of it. I don't even know if it's actually a problem or just me being insecure and overreacting. Our relationship is full of problems as it is. He's emotionally a lot more immature, which makes things very difficult. Especially talking about our problems is difficult. He also gets addicted to things easily; energy drinks, phone, games, porn, etc. I just need advice on this. Should his porn usage be restricted, or should I ask him to take a complete break from it (like the 90 day thing). Or should I just not care about it and try to come to terms with it? I'm just so tired of thinking about this. I feel like it does affect our sex life negatively and if it didn't, it obviously wouldn't be a problem. I also don't want him to get so used to the naked body, because it makes intimacy less interesting and important. I'm sorry if this rant is a mess, I just need to get this out of my system.
  8. is it normal to just eat and eat and eat even when ur full? i eat almost 4 or five big meals aday and i still weight 110 pounds, thats not the thing, the thing i am worried about is why am i just eating so much? i fantasize about dominos double melt pizza and chicken wings all dayyy long even when i am full is this normal or have tunred into a eating hog?
  9. Hello everyone my name is Stacy Mihalek from Columbia, Tennessee, i am a 24 year old male that has basically relapsed more than once from drugs and alcohol... I am writing this so hopefully i can help you with your addiction or you even give me advice. But i been 30 days clean from some pretty intensive outpatient treatment which is going GREAT! I admit i have had a few beers but nothing really serious or concern. But thats why im here to talk to you. All addictions lead to one thing. The addiction that leads you into the wrong direction. If your addicted to pot, and for people who think its a joke when you hear it leads into heavier things. Trust me it does! never take life for granted or emotions. Because life is to great to just throw away. This addiction has led me into DUI's, ratting my own friends out... which has been a good thing cause it has saved many lives. But i dont want to get into that right now. It has led me into financial, emotional, physical and almost departure from this world. I have a girlfriend who is also a relapsed user. Which i am trying to understand how a couple who both uses can survive being clean for the rest of there life. But its all about ME right now and for her... she will have to wait, which she understands because i have explained it more than once that i cant dwell on her sobriety to keep me clean, vicaverca. It is really tough going through life knowing you have a disease that is way more powerful than any other (even life threatning) diseases out there. Its a life long journey to sobriety and im welling to take every step it takes to become happy and physically healthy. But i just want to let everyone know that overcoming this isnt easy. Always keep your head high and give it the best shot you can. If for some reason you feel concern about your own relapse or dont feel good at all. Give me a message i will be more than gladly to talk. I have learned alot over the years through rehabs, counseling, and friends to know that this isnt the way you should feel or the road you should take. Take care all of my friends and whatever you do....... BE GOOD!!!
  10. After 4 months of dealing and healing, I've finally come to the acceptance stage and man does it feel better. There aren't a lot of feel good stories where people accept it's over and just move on. But life does go on. And it becomes good again. I think all of us had hoped at some point or another that we would get back together and that that was the only really good outcome but it's not. After much reflection on why I broke up with my ex and the things that happened afterwards, I realize that it simply wasn't meant to be. Trying to fight it and negotiate with reality to get back the fantasy of what I thought I had were keeping me in a state of denial, confusion and torture. I think we hold on because we're afraid. What will replace all of the pain if I let go? Does that mean that my ex will also let go? Who will make me happy again? Regardless of the outcome, letting go is necessary. Practicing it daily really helps. Especially if you're hard headed like me. It basically means relaxing and letting god take over. Because you aren't in control and god will give you something better next time. It's always happened that way in the past with me so I don't know why I fought it. And honestly, I say this from a place of relative objectivity and not spite, there is much better than what I had the last time. I was too blinded by addiction to see it. Maybe a lot of us are just addicted to a fantasy. Me, I plan to run as fast as I can out of this tunnel. It's all downhill from here and I hope to see you there. Belle
  11. This a question for all of the women who have ever really screwed up a relationship (lied, cheated, drugs, etc.) that they really cared about: If after you ended it you realize you made a horrible mistake, what are some of things you would do to try to get him back? In other words, how do I know that she has really changed and will not devastate me like this again? She is 20. I am 29. I know I should just let her go and I have been good about nc. (she tried today!) But I truly believe that her addiction is the problem. I truly believe she loves me but can't right now because she has this addiction. So she goes into rehab and tries to contact me, what should I look for?
  12. All of us are here at this forum because we have had problems or questions. Every single one of us has fallen on hard times, sometimes more often than not. I have personally been dealing with one of the most difficult periods of my life for the past 6 months. Some days I just want to bury myself under my covers and sleep the day away. I don't know if I'm just moody or if it's the weather, or perhaps I am getting my depression back as I am so far from my family. But whatever the reason, it stinks. Anyway, I did not make this post in order to complain. In fact, the other day I was doing some self-reflection, and I realized that the things in my life that have really been worth doing have never been easy. They have been hard, I've struggled, I've cried, I've been frustrated... but in the end, everything was worth it. I don't regret anything in my life. If I hadn't been through all of the good times - and the bad, I wouldn't be who I am. So on those days that you just want the world to go away, remember that your struggles will make you a better person. Nothing worth doing in life is easy - finding a life-partner, having children, following your dreams, getting over addictions, helping friends in trouble - none of it is easy, it is all incredibly difficult and frustrating. But you will be better for it in the end my friends! Remember that it is always darkest before dawn... never give up on yourself.
  13. I am dating someone, finally after about a year since my meth addicted GF. And i truly feel inferior to this new person. not only does she have a good job, is continuing her education and has a lot of hobbies, she is freaking HOT. me? Wll i am still finding the job that is right for me. I am trying to get my aa then transfer UCR. i dont have nearly as many hobbbies as she does, especially outdoor hobbies. and i am not hot. /blush. oh wells, perhaps im putting too much into it. But at least im attempting to move on. any advice?
  14. I know I shouldn't be. He left me, almost a year ago, for another girl, 16 years my junior. About 4 months ago, she broke up with him. About 3 weeks ago, he started to insinuate himself back into my life again, sorta. I say sorta because, he hasn't said he wants to get back together. HE's made it crystal clear that he will not "abandon" the other girl, who still calls him off and on. He says that relationship is "over completely", but he still finds value in their friendship, and that I need to "understand" that. He says he's not sure if he wants to "be with anyone". He just wants to do normal things with me; he still loves me; he is terribly sorry about cheating on me for 2 entire years with this girl; that action is not the entirety of who he is, he just made a mistake, blahblahblahblah blah. Now, I know how that paragraph looks to whomever may be reading it. I know what it looks like to me. It looks I'm a pathetic *!$# who needs to rid herself of this boy. But I have to tell you, my feelings for him are not RATIONAL in any way. When he left me, I was devastated. I quit eating, quit sleeping, contemplated suicide. I had PHYSICAL pain any time I was not asleep. I had to go to the hospital twice for dehydration. This went on for months. Then I would get better for awhile. Then I would see him, or call him, and sink back into the despair. An yet, all I wanted, was for him to come back. It's all I still want. I just want him to love me again. I read somewhere, amongst the billions of self-help books I read, that in any relationship, there is an addict and a provider. God help me, I am the desperate addict in this relationship. He is the provider; handing his love to me in little doses, controlling the whole thing, puppeting me on strings. All I have to do when he calls tonight is NOT answer the phone. I realize that if I cut off all contact with him... I would get better. Even though I think I want him around; it ends up causing me pain. My eating is already all screwed up again... the physical throbbing right under my heart and above my stomach is back. I understand that all this is because he's BACK in my life. And yet the craving for him is ENORMUS. It's like a form of insanity, to believe that he will say anything new to me; that he will repent or try to improve things, because he won't. In the whole year that's gone by he has never ever done such a thing. And he won't do it tonight, when he calls me. I am one seriously screwed up girl. Seriously. Maymay
  15. is there anything really harmful or addicting when it comes to smoking weed, long or short term? i have done it a few times with my friends and want to do it some more but dont want to get addicted to it. thanks if you can help.
  16. While you may not realize it, I sure didn't realize it until I turned 23 years old. It doesn't matter how much you want to make your family proud or your g/f or whomever it maybe, if your not happy with yourself in all aspects then you will never have a 100% happy life where you are content with just being yourself. For a while I wouldn't accept myself for who I was, I looked at my faults, my downfalls, I looked a lot into my past mistakes: the drinking, the drugs, my gambling addict, all the negative things that stopped me from becoming what I am today. Now at times I feel like I'm playing catch up within myself just to grow to where I want to be in all aspects of life. If there is only one piece of advice that I can give you it is this "We all only have one shot in life and we need to make the best of it, so we should always be about changing 24/7" I mention this as if you are constantly changing in positive ways, you'll never be unhappy, you'll realize your potential and you won't sell yourself short. No self help book is going to cure your blues, the only person that can cure your happiness is you. We've all heard I'm my own worst enemy well for many years I've been the most negative person in my life and now I can finally say I'm dropping all the negative aspects out of my life, so I will be happy with myself.
  17. What the heck is so intimidating about a short black women? I can not imagine what about me would make a grown man nervous but I have been told by men and women that I am intimidating. I still do not believe it because thugs, bums, drug addicts and old men have no problem approaching me. This seems like a lie people tell themeselves to make them feel better or a nice way to tell someone they are mean. I want to ask my friends for advice but the are all to busy with their relationships to worry about me. I do not understand what is wrong with me. I need the truth I can handle it ARE MEN REALLY INTIMITATED BY WOMEN? To make matters worse I have noticed recently I just do not care if a guy likes me. I used to get nervos now I am like lets get this over with so you can not call me. People are always telling me to take risk and I do but I am never awarded for my efforts. I feel like it doesn't matter anymore what I say, they do not care. This is a recent occurrence I used to be real talkative. I would go out of my way to be nice but now I just do not care. Even with guys I like I no longer aim to impress, I just nod and grin. They ask the same questions and I give the same answers, you talk on the phone, you go on a date, you worry if he is interested and then you end up in the same position you started in ALONE. After 24 years of searching I have never had a real boyfriend and I am done, I am just tired of the whole dating thing. I do not want to do it anymore it is too exhausting. I thought I would never get to this point but I GIVE UP. Does anyone else feel like giving up?
  18. Ok, here is the deal.... I was a big jerk. A drug addict, and a cheater. I know, I know...charming. But I just want to lay it all out there, so you have an idea of where I am coming from. I was a jerk, like I said. I cheated many many times during the course of my 6 year relationship. I was also heavily addicted to drugs for much of the relationship. I can hear you asking yourself...why? Why would she put up with it? Well, that is an answer that would generally fall under the category of "co-dependent with sever abandonment issues" as she was, and I suppose I was too. I mean, there was love there. We were very very close, but also very sick. She and I were at different ages too - she was 20 when we met, I was 27. Now I am almost 34 and she is 26. So we have grown and changed alot, but mostly since we broke up 10 months ago. So, here is what happened. After I got sober a couple of years ago, I began shutting her out of my life, and as I said I was a cheater. Often times, sex addiction is parallel to drug addiction, and I make no bones about the fact that I am a complete addict. So, after being treated poorly by me for a long time, she finally left. And when she left, she left HARD. It was just over. Totally merciless (as I had been, I realize - im not looking for sympathy) and I completely deserved it, but damn if it didnt HURT! man oh man...It was the worst pain I had ever felt. And I was trying to stay clean, but it was impossible, so I relapsed. It was just too painful. I felt pathetic. I knew in my head that I deserved what was happening, but my heart ached so badly. I tried and tried and tried to get her back, but she was already seeing another guy. That just made evrything worse. The pain was unreal. Some of you have been there, I know. And I also know I inflicted that pain on her many times, so again I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY. After a while, the pain started subsiding. We stupidly continued to get together and have sex occasionally which was probably stupid....ok, it was stupid, but what can I say? I still wanted her back, and she kept having sex with me now and again, I suppose, to keep me hanging on. Anytime I suggested we take a few months and not speak, she said she couldnt deal with that. She also dumped the other guy. But see, the problem was that my drug relapse had now turned into full blown active addiction again. So her and I gradually drifted apart completely. A little while later, I got clean again, after almost dying from an overdose. For whatever reason, I came out of that experience, which was ultimately a suicide attempt ( I know, I sound more stable by the second) with a total willingness to surrender and give up drugs completely, which I did. I also started seeing a counsellor and my life turned around quickly, career started moving again, life got better, girls were looking again, and I was single, guilt free, and sober, and loving it. That brings me to right now. I am single, guilt free, sober, and loving it - and the ex wants to get back together. She decided about two weeks ago, after we had breakfast (after a long long period of no contact) that she was 'in love with me again' My intuition says that my detachment from her freaked her out. My hopes tell me she really does love me again. I feel that it would be totally foolish to go back, but I am human, and of course I am tempted by the idea. I have changed alot in the last little while....Has she? Anyway, my story is probably too freakish to resonate with many people, but I wonder if getting back together ever works. any thoughts?
  19. First i'll give you a bit of backround info. My boyfriend and I have been happily in love about a year now. We have a pretty good sex life, i think, although lately i am not so sure. We have sex at least once on MOST days sometimes two or three times a day. It used to come much more naturally but lately i feel like i need to practically beg for it, and we only have sex if i initiate it myself, its next to never the other way around. We are very open with each other on most sexually related topics, and have tried alot of different things. The problem that i am having lately is that even though we have daily sex, i think he still masturbates at least a couple of times a week. Sometimes over porn (which i HATE) sometimes not. He'll lie about it too, deny it, but sometimes i will catch him red handed, and sometimes he'll admit it. It makes me feel like i can't satisfy him, or that our sex life is not good enough for him. I just can't get my head around why he needs to do it, when i know i certainly don't. We often use masturbation as part of foreplay, so its not like he doesn't get to touch himself. I'd understand if we weren't having so much sex, but as it stands now, surely its not normal to wank that much? The worst part is, that although we can talk about most things, he gets angry at me whenever i bring up the topic of masturbation. It's not really open for discussing with him most days, he'll just roll his eyes and walk away. A few months back, i even caught him masturbating at night, in bed with me, whilst i was sleeping. I didn't come right out and say i'd caught him in a nasty way, i kind of made a joke of it instead, and i haven't caught him since. But i also haven't been waking up at night as much lately so who really knows. I just hate the way it makes me feel to know that no matter how hard i try to please him sexually, he still finds he needs to please himself too. In recent attempts at discussing the issue, he says he does it most often after we have sex, because he's thinking about it as opposed to doing it if we had not had sex. That actually made me feel far worse, because surely the sex must be bad if he has to do his own thing afterwards. He says he's happy with our sex life, but is he lying and this is his way of getting the satisfaction i can't offer him? Is this a problem or some kind of addiction he has? Or am i just over reacting and beating myself up over something i shouldn't? Should i get help or should he? Confused!!
  20. My boyfriend and I have been together now for 10 months and approx. 2 months ago I moved into his apartment. I’ve known from the very beginning of our relationship that he looks at porn and we agreed that as long as it didn’t affect our relationship that there was nothing wrong with it. Shortly after I moved in with him I discovered a suitcase that was packed full of several hundred c.d.’s that he had burned off of the internet that included porn pictures and movies. He also hid several hundred porn pictures on his hard drive. We discussed this problem and he agreed not to download anything else and to destroy all that he had burned and downloaded. Just recently however, I discovered that hidden in his favorites were 30 or 40 porn sites that he has visited (including some teen sites). I confronted him about this because we have his 17-year-old son living with us and I didn’t feel that he needed to see what his dad was looking at. He got angry and accused me of snooping. Now the real problem here is that since the beginning of our relationship we only have sex approx. once a week, which is just not enough for me. He and I have discussed this issue on numerous occasions and he just always made excuses……too tired, too busy, low sex drive. Well recently this has become an issue AGAIN and this time he freely admitted that he looks at porn and masturbates very frequently, thereforeeeeee he feels this may be why he doesn’t want me on a regular basis. I had suspected this for a long time, however I guess I just tried to deny it hoping the problem would go away. Of course this news was somewhat of a relief, because I was thinking that there was something wrong with me but on the other hand it just really hurt me knowing that this has gone on for so long and knowing that he can get off looking at a computer screen when he has the real thing wanting him regularly. He said because he loves me so much and he doesn’t want to loose me that he would stop doing this. I’m afraid however, that he is addicted and that he won’t be able to stop. Should I insist on him getting counseling? Should I stay with him or end our relationship now? Is this something that he can stop doing on his own? I’ve noticed that other people on this site have had similar problems and would like to know what you all think?
  21. I am so blind to crank and what it does to a person, so I was hoping I can get some info from others out there that are aware of the drug. What does this do to your body? I think my boyfriend is using crank, but don't know for sure! I really need help!
  22. I wrote this last night, no thinking really, just every thought that came into my head. read and comment if you will... At night I can't sleep bc my mind won't stop. All day I can't think bc everything I do is wrong. I am afraid of myself. I ache for my depression to stay; who I am outside of it is selfish, stupid and cruel. I am my own addiction and my own disease. I don't know what to do or say and I don't know how to act. Every word and action feels fake, even my voice seems like someone elses. I only want to please them all, to be who they want, and I'm drowning in confusion. I need them to survive, but they are suffocating me. I feel like there's nothing important enough to live for, so I feel so restless. I do everything I can to fill up this time, but still I feel like I'm dying without something. It grows more every day, this searching feeling, like I am looking for something and quickly running out of TIME. I look for it in every person, in every voice I listen for it. But I don't know what I'm looking for. I must be going insane. I feel like I am eating myself alive. -EmptySoul
  23. i read in another room earlier about advice to stop cutting and this one person told the cutter to take all the sharp objects, razors, knives away from the spot that they usually cut in and completely despose of them. Im sorry to say...but that tactic is completely worthless. most people that are...addicted...to cutting, can always find something to cut with. even if their surroundings are filled with things that are impossible to break to get a sharp edge, the human nail will always be at-hand. [pun somewhat intended]. I am still looking for a possible way to stop cutting, but ive gotten to the point where i just dont care anymore that i do it. but i did try that way ... and it failed. just wanted to let u all know
  24. I am a 32 year old married male with 2 wonderful children. I have a great job, wonderful wife and a mini-van. Ok....so the van is not that cool. But the family couldn't be better. Here is the kicker. I have a wife that is sexy as hell and would do anything for me. And what did I do...I have become addicted to porn sites, emailing various people from the sites, uselessly wasting our families money and worst of all...lying about it all to her. She has always been an intelligent woman, so, me hiding it became useless. She did eventually find out and this is now our second time apart. Apparently I learned nothing the first time. I have come to grips (pardon the pun) with the fact that, yes I am a porn addict. Did I ever like it...no. Did I ever get off on it....no. Did I ever stop....no. There is no rational reason behind the whys of it. Or at least i have never found any. The only thing I can come up with is, I have little or no respect for myself or others around me. The porn is something that started a while ago (2 years) the rest started a long time ago. Before we met. I don't really think I was ever really honest with anyone.....including myself. I have this image of myself that on the outside I try to uphold (big brave strong confident blah blah blah guy) but the truth could not be further from that. I have never had any confidence in anything I have done. I stayed in a dead end job for years simply because I didn't think I could do any better. My wife showed me I could. I did alot of drinking in my youth....and I mean alot. Got to a point I would consider myself a recovered alcoholic. As far as now....I think I just replaced one crutch with another. My wife constantly tells me how great I am and how much I am loved. And honestly I believe her.....but in my sad pitiful mind I think I am too convinced that I am not worthy of her....her love...her respect. So what do I do....I get online and do the dumbest thing possible. Chase her and my family away because I have to look at naked women on the net. When in reality, I love to look at her, feel her, touch her. She has a pair of eyes that can just take you in and leave you begging for me. unfortunately those beautiful eyes no longer light up when they see me.....they only show the disgust I deserve. I don't know if anyone else is going through this as well, perhaps I am a loner. In anycase, if I can't help myself to a point where I can become that confident strong man she used to see....at least let my words help someone else. I only have a few words of advice....well lets just say, they are do as I say, not do as I did. If you are married and you love your wife.....stay off the porn. If you feel you are addicted to it, tell her, seek help. Do not block her out. You will miss her everyday, as I miss mine now. And above all be honest with her. After all, she is the woman you married, the one you waited for, longed for, would die for, why would you need to look at others.
  25. Alright.. I'm going to sound like an idiot and all, But I'm really addicted to the internet and chatting. The internet can be a good place.. But I feel so alone, It seems like all my online friends no longer care, and we sort of have drifted away. It's gotten to the point where I'll stay online and just cry for no reason, Because I don't really know what's bothering me, Other then feeling that people don't like me. I've resulted to writing poetry and letting my feelings out, but this wasn't enough.. I've been cutting myself for a year now, anywhere, and when I do cut, It's because of someone I know online and getting hurt and just feeling alone.. Should I leave online and chatting? I know if I do, I'll get more depressed, because people online are all I know all I really care about. My offline life is so much worse, But I do know by staying online it hurts so bad.. So what should I do?
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