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About Me

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  1. is it normal to just eat and eat and eat even when ur full? i eat almost 4 or five big meals aday and i still weight 110 pounds, thats not the thing, the thing i am worried about is why am i just eating so much? i fantasize about dominos double melt pizza and chicken wings all dayyy long even when i am full is this normal or have tunred into a eating hog?
  2. Hello everyone my name is Stacy Mihalek from Columbia, Tennessee, i am a 24 year old male that has basically relapsed more than once from drugs and alcohol... I am writing this so hopefully i can help you with your addiction or you even give me advice. But i been 30 days clean from some pretty intensive outpatient treatment which is going GREAT! I admit i have had a few beers but nothing really serious or concern. But thats why im here to talk to you. All addictions lead to one thing. The addiction that leads you into the wrong direction. If your addicted to pot, and for people who think its a joke when you hear it leads into heavier things. Trust me it does! never take life for granted or emotions. Because life is to great to just throw away. This addiction has led me into DUI's, ratting my own friends out... which has been a good thing cause it has saved many lives. But i dont want to get into that right now. It has led me into financial, emotional, physical and almost departure from this world. I have a girlfriend who is also a relapsed user. Which i am trying to understand how a couple who both uses can survive being clean for the rest of there life. But its all about ME right now and for her... she will have to wait, which she understands because i have explained it more than once that i cant dwell on her sobriety to keep me clean, vicaverca. It is really tough going through life knowing you have a disease that is way more powerful than any other (even life threatning) diseases out there. Its a life long journey to sobriety and im welling to take every step it takes to become happy and physically healthy. But i just want to let everyone know that overcoming this isnt easy. Always keep your head high and give it the best shot you can. If for some reason you feel concern about your own relapse or dont feel good at all. Give me a message i will be more than gladly to talk. I have learned alot over the years through rehabs, counseling, and friends to know that this isnt the way you should feel or the road you should take. Take care all of my friends and whatever you do....... BE GOOD!!!
  3. After 4 months of dealing and healing, I've finally come to the acceptance stage and man does it feel better. There aren't a lot of feel good stories where people accept it's over and just move on. But life does go on. And it becomes good again. I think all of us had hoped at some point or another that we would get back together and that that was the only really good outcome but it's not. After much reflection on why I broke up with my ex and the things that happened afterwards, I realize that it simply wasn't meant to be. Trying to fight it and negotiate with reality to get back the fantasy of what I thought I had were keeping me in a state of denial, confusion and torture. I think we hold on because we're afraid. What will replace all of the pain if I let go? Does that mean that my ex will also let go? Who will make me happy again? Regardless of the outcome, letting go is necessary. Practicing it daily really helps. Especially if you're hard headed like me. It basically means relaxing and letting god take over. Because you aren't in control and god will give you something better next time. It's always happened that way in the past with me so I don't know why I fought it. And honestly, I say this from a place of relative objectivity and not spite, there is much better than what I had the last time. I was too blinded by addiction to see it. Maybe a lot of us are just addicted to a fantasy. Me, I plan to run as fast as I can out of this tunnel. It's all downhill from here and I hope to see you there. Belle
  4. This a question for all of the women who have ever really screwed up a relationship (lied, cheated, drugs, etc.) that they really cared about: If after you ended it you realize you made a horrible mistake, what are some of things you would do to try to get him back? In other words, how do I know that she has really changed and will not devastate me like this again? She is 20. I am 29. I know I should just let her go and I have been good about nc. (she tried today!) But I truly believe that her addiction is the problem. I truly believe she loves me but can't right now because she has this addiction. So she goes into rehab and tries to contact me, what should I look for?
  5. All of us are here at this forum because we have had problems or questions. Every single one of us has fallen on hard times, sometimes more often than not. I have personally been dealing with one of the most difficult periods of my life for the past 6 months. Some days I just want to bury myself under my covers and sleep the day away. I don't know if I'm just moody or if it's the weather, or perhaps I am getting my depression back as I am so far from my family. But whatever the reason, it stinks. Anyway, I did not make this post in order to complain. In fact, the other day I was doing some self-reflection, and I realized that the things in my life that have really been worth doing have never been easy. They have been hard, I've struggled, I've cried, I've been frustrated... but in the end, everything was worth it. I don't regret anything in my life. If I hadn't been through all of the good times - and the bad, I wouldn't be who I am. So on those days that you just want the world to go away, remember that your struggles will make you a better person. Nothing worth doing in life is easy - finding a life-partner, having children, following your dreams, getting over addictions, helping friends in trouble - none of it is easy, it is all incredibly difficult and frustrating. But you will be better for it in the end my friends! Remember that it is always darkest before dawn... never give up on yourself.
  6. I am dating someone, finally after about a year since my meth addicted GF. And i truly feel inferior to this new person. not only does she have a good job, is continuing her education and has a lot of hobbies, she is freaking HOT. me? Wll i am still finding the job that is right for me. I am trying to get my aa then transfer UCR. i dont have nearly as many hobbbies as she does, especially outdoor hobbies. and i am not hot. /blush. oh wells, perhaps im putting too much into it. But at least im attempting to move on. any advice?
  7. I know I shouldn't be. He left me, almost a year ago, for another girl, 16 years my junior. About 4 months ago, she broke up with him. About 3 weeks ago, he started to insinuate himself back into my life again, sorta. I say sorta because, he hasn't said he wants to get back together. HE's made it crystal clear that he will not "abandon" the other girl, who still calls him off and on. He says that relationship is "over completely", but he still finds value in their friendship, and that I need to "understand" that. He says he's not sure if he wants to "be with anyone". He just wants to do normal things with me; he still loves me; he is terribly sorry about cheating on me for 2 entire years with this girl; that action is not the entirety of who he is, he just made a mistake, blahblahblahblah blah. Now, I know how that paragraph looks to whomever may be reading it. I know what it looks like to me. It looks I'm a pathetic *!$# who needs to rid herself of this boy. But I have to tell you, my feelings for him are not RATIONAL in any way. When he left me, I was devastated. I quit eating, quit sleeping, contemplated suicide. I had PHYSICAL pain any time I was not asleep. I had to go to the hospital twice for dehydration. This went on for months. Then I would get better for awhile. Then I would see him, or call him, and sink back into the despair. An yet, all I wanted, was for him to come back. It's all I still want. I just want him to love me again. I read somewhere, amongst the billions of self-help books I read, that in any relationship, there is an addict and a provider. God help me, I am the desperate addict in this relationship. He is the provider; handing his love to me in little doses, controlling the whole thing, puppeting me on strings. All I have to do when he calls tonight is NOT answer the phone. I realize that if I cut off all contact with him... I would get better. Even though I think I want him around; it ends up causing me pain. My eating is already all screwed up again... the physical throbbing right under my heart and above my stomach is back. I understand that all this is because he's BACK in my life. And yet the craving for him is ENORMUS. It's like a form of insanity, to believe that he will say anything new to me; that he will repent or try to improve things, because he won't. In the whole year that's gone by he has never ever done such a thing. And he won't do it tonight, when he calls me. I am one seriously screwed up girl. Seriously. Maymay
  8. is there anything really harmful or addicting when it comes to smoking weed, long or short term? i have done it a few times with my friends and want to do it some more but dont want to get addicted to it. thanks if you can help.
  9. While you may not realize it, I sure didn't realize it until I turned 23 years old. It doesn't matter how much you want to make your family proud or your g/f or whomever it maybe, if your not happy with yourself in all aspects then you will never have a 100% happy life where you are content with just being yourself. For a while I wouldn't accept myself for who I was, I looked at my faults, my downfalls, I looked a lot into my past mistakes: the drinking, the drugs, my gambling addict, all the negative things that stopped me from becoming what I am today. Now at times I feel like I'm playing catch up within myself just to grow to where I want to be in all aspects of life. If there is only one piece of advice that I can give you it is this "We all only have one shot in life and we need to make the best of it, so we should always be about changing 24/7" I mention this as if you are constantly changing in positive ways, you'll never be unhappy, you'll realize your potential and you won't sell yourself short. No self help book is going to cure your blues, the only person that can cure your happiness is you. We've all heard I'm my own worst enemy well for many years I've been the most negative person in my life and now I can finally say I'm dropping all the negative aspects out of my life, so I will be happy with myself.
  10. What the heck is so intimidating about a short black women? I can not imagine what about me would make a grown man nervous but I have been told by men and women that I am intimidating. I still do not believe it because thugs, bums, drug addicts and old men have no problem approaching me. This seems like a lie people tell themeselves to make them feel better or a nice way to tell someone they are mean. I want to ask my friends for advice but the are all to busy with their relationships to worry about me. I do not understand what is wrong with me. I need the truth I can handle it ARE MEN REALLY INTIMITATED BY WOMEN? To make matters worse I have noticed recently I just do not care if a guy likes me. I used to get nervos now I am like lets get this over with so you can not call me. People are always telling me to take risk and I do but I am never awarded for my efforts. I feel like it doesn't matter anymore what I say, they do not care. This is a recent occurrence I used to be real talkative. I would go out of my way to be nice but now I just do not care. Even with guys I like I no longer aim to impress, I just nod and grin. They ask the same questions and I give the same answers, you talk on the phone, you go on a date, you worry if he is interested and then you end up in the same position you started in ALONE. After 24 years of searching I have never had a real boyfriend and I am done, I am just tired of the whole dating thing. I do not want to do it anymore it is too exhausting. I thought I would never get to this point but I GIVE UP. Does anyone else feel like giving up?
  11. Ok, here is the deal.... I was a big jerk. A drug addict, and a cheater. I know, I know...charming. But I just want to lay it all out there, so you have an idea of where I am coming from. I was a jerk, like I said. I cheated many many times during the course of my 6 year relationship. I was also heavily addicted to drugs for much of the relationship. I can hear you asking yourself...why? Why would she put up with it? Well, that is an answer that would generally fall under the category of "co-dependent with sever abandonment issues" as she was, and I suppose I was too. I mean, there was love there. We were very very close, but also very sick. She and I were at different ages too - she was 20 when we met, I was 27. Now I am almost 34 and she is 26. So we have grown and changed alot, but mostly since we broke up 10 months ago. So, here is what happened. After I got sober a couple of years ago, I began shutting her out of my life, and as I said I was a cheater. Often times, sex addiction is parallel to drug addiction, and I make no bones about the fact that I am a complete addict. So, after being treated poorly by me for a long time, she finally left. And when she left, she left HARD. It was just over. Totally merciless (as I had been, I realize - im not looking for sympathy) and I completely deserved it, but damn if it didnt HURT! man oh man...It was the worst pain I had ever felt. And I was trying to stay clean, but it was impossible, so I relapsed. It was just too painful. I felt pathetic. I knew in my head that I deserved what was happening, but my heart ached so badly. I tried and tried and tried to get her back, but she was already seeing another guy. That just made evrything worse. The pain was unreal. Some of you have been there, I know. And I also know I inflicted that pain on her many times, so again I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY. After a while, the pain started subsiding. We stupidly continued to get together and have sex occasionally which was probably stupid....ok, it was stupid, but what can I say? I still wanted her back, and she kept having sex with me now and again, I suppose, to keep me hanging on. Anytime I suggested we take a few months and not speak, she said she couldnt deal with that. She also dumped the other guy. But see, the problem was that my drug relapse had now turned into full blown active addiction again. So her and I gradually drifted apart completely. A little while later, I got clean again, after almost dying from an overdose. For whatever reason, I came out of that experience, which was ultimately a suicide attempt ( I know, I sound more stable by the second) with a total willingness to surrender and give up drugs completely, which I did. I also started seeing a counsellor and my life turned around quickly, career started moving again, life got better, girls were looking again, and I was single, guilt free, and sober, and loving it. That brings me to right now. I am single, guilt free, sober, and loving it - and the ex wants to get back together. She decided about two weeks ago, after we had breakfast (after a long long period of no contact) that she was 'in love with me again' My intuition says that my detachment from her freaked her out. My hopes tell me she really does love me again. I feel that it would be totally foolish to go back, but I am human, and of course I am tempted by the idea. I have changed alot in the last little while....Has she? Anyway, my story is probably too freakish to resonate with many people, but I wonder if getting back together ever works. any thoughts?
  12. First i'll give you a bit of backround info. My boyfriend and I have been happily in love about a year now. We have a pretty good sex life, i think, although lately i am not so sure. We have sex at least once on MOST days sometimes two or three times a day. It used to come much more naturally but lately i feel like i need to practically beg for it, and we only have sex if i initiate it myself, its next to never the other way around. We are very open with each other on most sexually related topics, and have tried alot of different things. The problem that i am having lately is that even though we have daily sex, i think he still masturbates at least a couple of times a week. Sometimes over porn (which i HATE) sometimes not. He'll lie about it too, deny it, but sometimes i will catch him red handed, and sometimes he'll admit it. It makes me feel like i can't satisfy him, or that our sex life is not good enough for him. I just can't get my head around why he needs to do it, when i know i certainly don't. We often use masturbation as part of foreplay, so its not like he doesn't get to touch himself. I'd understand if we weren't having so much sex, but as it stands now, surely its not normal to wank that much? The worst part is, that although we can talk about most things, he gets angry at me whenever i bring up the topic of masturbation. It's not really open for discussing with him most days, he'll just roll his eyes and walk away. A few months back, i even caught him masturbating at night, in bed with me, whilst i was sleeping. I didn't come right out and say i'd caught him in a nasty way, i kind of made a joke of it instead, and i haven't caught him since. But i also haven't been waking up at night as much lately so who really knows. I just hate the way it makes me feel to know that no matter how hard i try to please him sexually, he still finds he needs to please himself too. In recent attempts at discussing the issue, he says he does it most often after we have sex, because he's thinking about it as opposed to doing it if we had not had sex. That actually made me feel far worse, because surely the sex must be bad if he has to do his own thing afterwards. He says he's happy with our sex life, but is he lying and this is his way of getting the satisfaction i can't offer him? Is this a problem or some kind of addiction he has? Or am i just over reacting and beating myself up over something i shouldn't? Should i get help or should he? Confused!!
  13. My boyfriend and I have been together now for 10 months and approx. 2 months ago I moved into his apartment. I’ve known from the very beginning of our relationship that he looks at porn and we agreed that as long as it didn’t affect our relationship that there was nothing wrong with it. Shortly after I moved in with him I discovered a suitcase that was packed full of several hundred c.d.’s that he had burned off of the internet that included porn pictures and movies. He also hid several hundred porn pictures on his hard drive. We discussed this problem and he agreed not to download anything else and to destroy all that he had burned and downloaded. Just recently however, I discovered that hidden in his favorites were 30 or 40 porn sites that he has visited (including some teen sites). I confronted him about this because we have his 17-year-old son living with us and I didn’t feel that he needed to see what his dad was looking at. He got angry and accused me of snooping. Now the real problem here is that since the beginning of our relationship we only have sex approx. once a week, which is just not enough for me. He and I have discussed this issue on numerous occasions and he just always made excuses……too tired, too busy, low sex drive. Well recently this has become an issue AGAIN and this time he freely admitted that he looks at porn and masturbates very frequently, thereforeeeeee he feels this may be why he doesn’t want me on a regular basis. I had suspected this for a long time, however I guess I just tried to deny it hoping the problem would go away. Of course this news was somewhat of a relief, because I was thinking that there was something wrong with me but on the other hand it just really hurt me knowing that this has gone on for so long and knowing that he can get off looking at a computer screen when he has the real thing wanting him regularly. He said because he loves me so much and he doesn’t want to loose me that he would stop doing this. I’m afraid however, that he is addicted and that he won’t be able to stop. Should I insist on him getting counseling? Should I stay with him or end our relationship now? Is this something that he can stop doing on his own? I’ve noticed that other people on this site have had similar problems and would like to know what you all think?
  14. I am so blind to crank and what it does to a person, so I was hoping I can get some info from others out there that are aware of the drug. What does this do to your body? I think my boyfriend is using crank, but don't know for sure! I really need help!
  15. I wrote this last night, no thinking really, just every thought that came into my head. read and comment if you will... At night I can't sleep bc my mind won't stop. All day I can't think bc everything I do is wrong. I am afraid of myself. I ache for my depression to stay; who I am outside of it is selfish, stupid and cruel. I am my own addiction and my own disease. I don't know what to do or say and I don't know how to act. Every word and action feels fake, even my voice seems like someone elses. I only want to please them all, to be who they want, and I'm drowning in confusion. I need them to survive, but they are suffocating me. I feel like there's nothing important enough to live for, so I feel so restless. I do everything I can to fill up this time, but still I feel like I'm dying without something. It grows more every day, this searching feeling, like I am looking for something and quickly running out of TIME. I look for it in every person, in every voice I listen for it. But I don't know what I'm looking for. I must be going insane. I feel like I am eating myself alive. -EmptySoul
  16. i read in another room earlier about advice to stop cutting and this one person told the cutter to take all the sharp objects, razors, knives away from the spot that they usually cut in and completely despose of them. Im sorry to say...but that tactic is completely worthless. most people that are...addicted...to cutting, can always find something to cut with. even if their surroundings are filled with things that are impossible to break to get a sharp edge, the human nail will always be at-hand. [pun somewhat intended]. I am still looking for a possible way to stop cutting, but ive gotten to the point where i just dont care anymore that i do it. but i did try that way ... and it failed. just wanted to let u all know
  17. I am a 32 year old married male with 2 wonderful children. I have a great job, wonderful wife and a mini-van. Ok....so the van is not that cool. But the family couldn't be better. Here is the kicker. I have a wife that is sexy as hell and would do anything for me. And what did I do...I have become addicted to porn sites, emailing various people from the sites, uselessly wasting our families money and worst of all...lying about it all to her. She has always been an intelligent woman, so, me hiding it became useless. She did eventually find out and this is now our second time apart. Apparently I learned nothing the first time. I have come to grips (pardon the pun) with the fact that, yes I am a porn addict. Did I ever like it...no. Did I ever get off on it....no. Did I ever stop....no. There is no rational reason behind the whys of it. Or at least i have never found any. The only thing I can come up with is, I have little or no respect for myself or others around me. The porn is something that started a while ago (2 years) the rest started a long time ago. Before we met. I don't really think I was ever really honest with anyone.....including myself. I have this image of myself that on the outside I try to uphold (big brave strong confident blah blah blah guy) but the truth could not be further from that. I have never had any confidence in anything I have done. I stayed in a dead end job for years simply because I didn't think I could do any better. My wife showed me I could. I did alot of drinking in my youth....and I mean alot. Got to a point I would consider myself a recovered alcoholic. As far as now....I think I just replaced one crutch with another. My wife constantly tells me how great I am and how much I am loved. And honestly I believe her.....but in my sad pitiful mind I think I am too convinced that I am not worthy of her....her love...her respect. So what do I do....I get online and do the dumbest thing possible. Chase her and my family away because I have to look at naked women on the net. When in reality, I love to look at her, feel her, touch her. She has a pair of eyes that can just take you in and leave you begging for me. unfortunately those beautiful eyes no longer light up when they see me.....they only show the disgust I deserve. I don't know if anyone else is going through this as well, perhaps I am a loner. In anycase, if I can't help myself to a point where I can become that confident strong man she used to see....at least let my words help someone else. I only have a few words of advice....well lets just say, they are do as I say, not do as I did. If you are married and you love your wife.....stay off the porn. If you feel you are addicted to it, tell her, seek help. Do not block her out. You will miss her everyday, as I miss mine now. And above all be honest with her. After all, she is the woman you married, the one you waited for, longed for, would die for, why would you need to look at others.
  18. Alright.. I'm going to sound like an idiot and all, But I'm really addicted to the internet and chatting. The internet can be a good place.. But I feel so alone, It seems like all my online friends no longer care, and we sort of have drifted away. It's gotten to the point where I'll stay online and just cry for no reason, Because I don't really know what's bothering me, Other then feeling that people don't like me. I've resulted to writing poetry and letting my feelings out, but this wasn't enough.. I've been cutting myself for a year now, anywhere, and when I do cut, It's because of someone I know online and getting hurt and just feeling alone.. Should I leave online and chatting? I know if I do, I'll get more depressed, because people online are all I know all I really care about. My offline life is so much worse, But I do know by staying online it hurts so bad.. So what should I do?
  19. I am beginning to think that my feelings for my ex are way more complex then I ever could have imagined. Some people are addicted to nicotine, drugs, or alcohol. But for me I am addicted to my ex. I just do not think that I am strong enough to get over her. It is just that when she left me, I took her back w/o any hesitation, when she was ready to come back. So when I broke up with her, I thought that she would take me back with open arms, when I was ready to come back. But she did not and will not. So I guess what I am trying to say is apreciate what you have and do not take it for granted. One day she might be gone forever, and you will be heart broken. Look at me I have been struggling for over a year, and she will never come back. I know this, because they never come back... ever. So just remember to be greatful for what you have.
  21. I only put that title so you would read my post, but I do need some advice so please keep reading 8) My ex and I having been talking a lot recently, and things have been going great. She told me a couple things that made me think that she still wants to be with me. She told me that I have raised the bar and will only be treated by a guy the way that I treated her. Also she said that I make her feel like no one has ever made her feel, and that if we met now, that we would be together for along time She also told me that I am unlike anyone she has ever met and she feels an incredible amount of chemistry between us. I guess I am wondering if we have a chance of getting back together since we only broke up because I graduated and she still has 2 years of school left. I love her a lot but do not want to be with her right now because both of our schedules are so busy that we don't have time for each other, and that is not fair in a relationship. However I would love to date her again in the future, and think that she might be the one. I just want to know if she still loves me like I love her. Also I was wondering if we can still wind up together even if we date other people. Please help
  22. Hello, my name is JoyieGracie, and I'm addicted to eNotAlone.com. This forum just draws you in because as you read other peoples posts you think: "I know exactally how you feel", or "I've been in that situation before," or you even see posts that you can even relate to, but give you perspetive. You also see posts like this one where you say, "wow, that's a stupid thing to post." But anyway, thanks to everyone who helped me out a little bit. This forum is real great and I'm glad I found it.... I was just wandering who else, ermm, is really glad they found this site.... \
  23. Hi there! I'm new to this board. But anyway, recently I broke up with my boyfriend because of this whirlwind relationship I got thrown into with a guy who used to live, just moved to CT, and is visiting throughout the summer. The problem is, he's very hot and cold. One minute, he'll be touching me and asking me things and smiling at me; the next, he'll ignore me, he'll seem spaced out, and unattentive. But I've never been with anyone like him. I'm addicted already even though I know his hot and cold behavior will drive me insane. He just visited for a week and left for two weeks and I've received no calls from him or anything. It's only been three days... but I'm obsessing over it. He sent me a text message once saying that he wanted to see me--about two weeks ago and I was thinking of sending him a similar message soon. Good idea? Bad? Or am I too clingy? Or should I just get my feelings out there so we can no ahead of time if there is really anything between us?
  24. i just wanted to ask anyone, if not actually hurting myself, but constantly thinking about it and it makes me more upset everytime i do, and i do SH but im finding it so hard to stop doing it and thinking about it, do you know what i should do, ive had councillors but they didnt help and my friends have had enough now so i dont want to bother them, but i dont know what to do so it would be extreamly helpful is some people could give me some suggestions. thanks anyway if noone can. byes
  25. We see the world with the language we are given Tell a child that the overgrown is a road of stone Stumbling, I flutter like a moth misinformed about a flame. Addiction to antipathy and repugnance to respect In similarity, astounding me as we fumble universally forthright towards neglect. No excuse! We avoid the call to arms in the eleventh hour procrastinating for no other reason than to teach ourselves to tell time in a digital age.
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