Jump to content

sonjam

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    935

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    1

 Content Type 

Everything posted by sonjam

  1. sonjam
    Well, then it certainly is worth a try! How will you go about deciding what to change, and implement it? Sorry if I'm being nosey, but this is a big project you are taking on, and I would love to follow it!
  2. sonjam
    Keeping Busy, that will help with the (lack of) feeling good. Joing a few activities where you will be able to meet fresh new friends, and do interesting things. It's always nice to meet other people at kids activity classes, swimming lessons, but if you are not into meeting and making other parent friends, join a mosaic class, or other crafts, if you are not into that, well join a reading circle, I know it sound nerdish, but you have no idea how much fun they can have, drinking wine, chatting they have a BALL! I belong to an all girls circle, we get toghether once a month, at a different venue/house/whatever and do interesting things. We go on night drives a the zoo, we have facial evenings, we visit orpahanages and collect donations, to buy the kids new duvets, curtains and xmas gifts, bikes and take them on picknics. Doing these things will broaden your horisons in meeting new and interesting people, and get you involved in other things, than wanting to listen to all the stories the ex has to say, because you have nothing better to do. It's very easy going back to ex's they know which buttons to push to get us to feel wanted/ NEEDED or guilty. BUT IT IS NOT always the best thing for us. We know this in our hearts, but we have real difficulty in letting go!
  3. sonjam
    Nobody can do it for you, but .. remind yourself of all the horrible things he said to you, it will take FOREVER to erase that with the FAKE nice things he's telling you now. BE SUSPICIOUS, believe that he has a motive and he doesn't mean what he tells you. I'm always for fixing a relationship, especially when there are kids involved IF the relationship is essensially a good one, and the parners deserve each other, and it's best for the child. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ONE OF THOSE!! Hey, I know I'm standing on the outside, and looking in only on what you want to share with us, but having followed your story and progress (and regress) I believe you deserve a better life, a new life, and a good husband. You devorced this guy for a reason. It did not change, why fall for his stories now? I've been through the same thing, made the same mistakes, I know it 's heard, but you have to try!
  4. sonjam
    Blackjack lover, A person cannot change their personality to be with somebody. Be you, and if she is not happy with it, there might be other issues from her side. Being shy and laidback is not something you are able to change, if it is WHO YOU ARE. That is probably what drew her to you in the first place!
  5. sonjam
    Kpow, have you ever tried the power of affirmation? In the beginning it feels like you are lying to yourself, to the world, but after awhile you start believing you really are better and stronger, and you will be happy, and then it starts happening. Start by doing this: When you wake up in the morning be THANKFULL: 1. FOR YOUR KIDS 2. for the new day 3. For a roof over your head, food on your plate, and a good job you love 4. For the opportunities that will come your way 5. you add the rest in. Do this every day, be thankfull and affirm it to yourself, for the rain, the sunshine your daughters smiles, hugs and kisses, a healthy body, an intelligint brain, opportunities.... It really helps to see through all the dark clouds. PS: And for heavens sake, try to avoid that ex of yours....!! He's not good for you right now, or ever. Just one of the many ways I got myself through deep dark depression, divorce, and death of loved ones. Been there, and done that girl, my heart bleeds for you every day, that is why I believe you have to try and move away. They scratch at your raw wound every day you see them together.
  6. sonjam
    Hi Girl, me again! Butterflycloud, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.. He will never change, especially not after, as you said, you've seen countless therapists, and he reverted to his own self each time. He will keep trying to impress you with nice words, until he's back in the driver seat. Then the (verbal) abuse will start all over again. For yourself and the sake of your child, DON't go back! There are countless things you can do to keep yourself busy over weekends, and going back to the EX is not one of them!! Re-reading your posts, you already anwered your own question. YOU KNOW you should not go back, don't let him bully you into doing it. If he's keeping up appearances with you, I have to tell you, there is no fooling a child. Their instincts is raw and it is all they trust. Your son is right to be affraid of him, ans so should you.
  7. sonjam
    This is part of her sister not wanting to let go of the "controlling bit" YOUR wife must stick it out, not make ammends and blame it on you... The sister WILL get over it, and learn to respect your wife's feelings. And the fact that you also have a say, and that she is not in control of you or your wife. She is doing CHANGE BACK behavior, because your wife is changing the old way her sister is used to her dealing with things (accepting and going with the flow) DON"T worry about it, just don't change back to your old ways, stand your ground (in a firm but loving way)
  8. sonjam
    diverp, you got married in May? It sounds like the honeymoon is over, and now the real work begins.... About the leaving the room thing. I don't care much for Television, but my hubby doesn't like to go to bed early as he will then wake up early and lie around in bed half the night. So we have an unspoken thing, I like to go to bed early, and read, then fall asleep. So If I get up from the couch I give him a quick kiss and tell him I will see him later. Then I go to read. The family room is family time, even if everyone is busy with their own acitivity. What you did is not necesarily rude, but how about trying to do it this way? You will have to sit with you wife, and talk to her about these things (kids) in a nice and grown up way. Make her see that you are now a team the two of you, and you feel uncomfortable if she discusses the things that the two of you plan for your future with others, without asking your opinion in it, and including you. After all, without you, there will not be the US.... Don't get accusatory, and don't raise voices or defend. JUST normal conversation. Tell her you love her, and look forward to the future you will spend with her, but that it must be the two of you, and then the rest of the world, not the other way around..... Hope this helps a bit!
  9. sonjam
    Elizabeth, thank you for your views, but you are obviously still young, and you have not been in the situation where you only have 10 dollars, now what do you do with it, feed your children, or pay the insurance? Life still has a few nasty surprises install for you if you look at the world from the pedestal you are on. For all the rest of us, I do care about those people, and I too wish I had a lot of money to help them, and also the poor people in other countries. I live in a very poor country, South Africa, we don't have hurricanes, but we have poverty and aids. A lot of the people here did not get the disease from sleeping around, but got it from blood transfusions, or worse, having been rapes. The males here at some stage believed if they raped a virgin, they would be cured of the disease. A lot of the things that happen to you in your life, you can control, and choose, but a lot of things you can't. It is not always that simple. Some people grow up in a padded cocoon, and never get dealt the hand of misery until it is too late.
  10. sonjam
    Kpow, you have to go on the path of acceptance now. In a way he is assitsting you in keeping you in this pit of mysery, by telling you nice things, that he knows you will take to your heart, and then in the same breath rejecting you. A person that loves and cares for you does not do that. He's inconsistent, and in a relationship with somoene else. Don't worry she will fall from her pedestal soon enough. YOU however, have to STOP doing this to yourself. What happened to that strong girl who was willing to move, and move on with her life? You are also enflicting scars onto your beautifull girls, by doing this. Do you want them to think this is the way to go about it, and have the hurt in seeing them do the same for a man they think they love in the future?? NO no and a resounding NO! You are such a strong brave person, you need to look at your own chest, reach in there (mentally) and message that heart of yours, mend it. It must be the hardest thing in all the world to do, but you can do it, I know it. PLEASE for you own wellbeing, try and break contact with this guy, or keep it to the bear minimum. He has no right to speak to you about love, and soulmates. Already he' cheating on his partner by telling you this. Do you think she would like knowing how he tells you he loves you and you are his soulmate?? He's vicious, cold and calculated. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
  11. sonjam
    Hi There It sounds to me like she wants to break up with you, but don't know how. Talking about stuff like that, she hoped you would decide to break up with her and save her the trouble of being the horrible one. I would watch this closely if I were you, since she is expressing interest in someone else, and actually went with the guy to the shops....
  12. sonjam
    Sad Jay, Stop making excuses for her. You have to accept what happened, and move on. SHE IS GUILTY, there is no getting away from the fact that SHE DID CHEAT. It doesn't matter what she promises and what she dreamed, that was not what her ACTIONS say, and they speak louder than words. REALLY, do you want to try and get back together with her, just to have your heart bashed in again??
  13. sonjam
    If you do want to contact her, I suggest you don't metion anything about getting back together. Keep it light hearted, and ask if she's ok, and tell her about your day, etc. Stay friends. Don't contact her every day of course, but do give her a call in a day or so. (not all the time) if she really is interested she will also return your calls, and call you.....
  14. sonjam
    Well, she has already cheated on you twice, and I'm affraid this is not a case of sorry that she cheated on you, but a case of sorry that she got caught out! She would still be cheating on you if you did not find out about this. So my adivce is not to go back to her, spare yourself more heartache, go through it now, feel sorry, because it was not your fault. Don't let her continue using you. A guy like you deserves better.
  15. sonjam
    Kpow, anger is just another phase in the healing process... you are making progress! It all doesn't just go away, but it gets less as time goes by. You will make it, I know. How is it going with the sale of the condo, any takers?? Best thing would be for you to move out of there, and closer to your own supportstructure, family and friends.
  16. sonjam
    Aww... sukerbut.. It happens to the best of us. If we could only write the script for the people we love, they would love us forever, never cheat or lie, and above all never break our hearts... but we don't and now you have to sit with a broken heart again. I'm so sorry things did not work out. I want you to remember you are a good person, successfull in so many areas in your life. Take a good hard look at who she really is. She played you, she will play the next one, and the next. Soon when you are feeling better, you will see that you are the lucky one, to get away, and not be the next one she plays. Of course she is a great girl, with charisma etc, that is how she catches all of them in her trap, face it you would have never fallen 3 x times for a dreary average girl??? ...but, even knowing this it still hurts like hel doesn't it! We are here to listen if you want to talk.
  17. sonjam
    Kpow, stop staring yourself blind in what could have been. Deep in your heart you know he was not the right guy for you. All you see now is the things that could have been, but you know what the things he is not, is not about to go away. Cindy will realise that soon enough too. It's not all moonshine and roses over there you know. The shine will wear off soon, and then she will also be left feeling disillusioned and angry. Also, it must be horrible knowing his ex gf and mother of his child is sleeping in the condo below, and there is no way in hell She could ever break the attachment you have with him.... It is sad that you have to move away, but it will be better for you and the kids. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE than him, and what he can give you. Setting high standards for yourself is not wrong, it is the best thing you can do, and the closest you can come to finding MR RIGHT. As long as those standards are not unrealistic, you will stand a minimal chance in falling into miserable and failing relationships in future. I will think of you today.
  18. sonjam
    Hi TAFFY, Yes I'm glad you are going to get therapy, because having a mental block towards sex will inhibit you in many ways. I guess one of the biggest things now, is for you to resolve the issues of hate, anger, and feelings of guilt. (They do make you feel guilty, as if it is your fault) Find yourself first, before trying to start a new relationship with another partner. Thing is, one is prone to repeat the same cycle of behaviour, with the same type of person, that is probably why, subconsciously, you keep on choosing abusive people. Once you are in a better place with your self-esteem, and you are processing the issues around the abuse and molestation, you will have more confidence, and trust your own instincts, and then you will be in a better postion to find a suitable partner. I bet once you find a person you are comfortable with the sex issues will resolve itself.
  19. sonjam
    YOu know what, it's best that way. YOu will be able to make a fresh start, in a new home, and you know what they say: a change is as good as a holiday!! Kpow, I know you know you are better off without him (them), start smiling again, things will be great again soon.
  20. sonjam
    How about dating him - out of house - for awhile, get comfortable with him and see for yourself if he changed. No moving back together or such, but spend a bit of time with him, and see what happens. Having been married to him for awhile, you will quickly see if it is all a facade, and if he really really changed, and if it will last.
  21. sonjam
    Look at it this way, you have two options, choose the one where you have the most to gain, and least to loose.... sounds simple huh? Well it is not. Choose her: you loose a friend, and probably she will not stay faithfull to you either. Choose not to have her: you keep a friend, and probably next week will finally meet the girl of your dreams, who will never cheat and will be the bestest thing ever..... or maybe not, but I think the way to go is to stay away from her, tell her you are interested but only if she is single.
  22. sonjam
    Calm down abit. First of all, even if you don't trust her - going through her emails is wrong, and you are invading her privacy. But now that you did, and you could not really find anything incriminating enough for you to know she's cheating... then you are probably over reacting. I get the feeling you are a bit jealous and that sometimes creates a paranoia in your mind and nobody can be trusted. Geez, if she wants to be with you she will stay with you, and if she wanted to cheat, she would leave right? Ok, it's not always that black and white - i come from a relationship where I was cheated on, but still she should be innocent until proven guilty. Until then stop with the accusations already, you will only drive her further away from you... It might have been a coincidene after all.
  23. sonjam
    Kpow, my heart is with you girl, Ive been following your posts, and I too, want to tell you don't dispair, it will get easier, and better. As for the wench upstairs, you should like DN said "fake it 'till you make it". Always look your best, look happy, go places, have fun, show her that she is drawing on the short stick, you are BETTER AND PRETTIER than her, she can NEVER replace you, not as a gf, mother or anything else. That is the worst thing you can do to that couple, get over them, and show them that you are now in a better state, doing fine, and not moping. I can just imagine her secret delight at your state of misery, and I wish I could scratch her eyes out ..... But you know what, not everyone has the good morals and standing that we do, she will get what she deserves for what she has done to you and your family, and to be honest, it was not just her fault, he was easily distracted. It gives them power to think they have this effect on you. DON'T LET THEM. STand up, shake the dust of, and move forward. You deserve better, so do your kids. I know it is horrible feeling lonely with no one to love, but you will find love again. you can count on it. First start loving your self again, and never stop loving your kids. There's a lot of good guys out there, that will love you, and the kids. I know, I have at least 3 friends like that, boys dating and marrying girls with kids from previous relationships, and other girl friends dating very nice guys. Believe in yourself. We believe in you.
  24. sonjam
    Guys and Girls, No contact is used to LET GO and focus on the self. It is not a specified period, but rather to make the transition from couple to single a permanent one. The no contact is instituted for exactly that reason: NO CONTACT. You are supposed to pick up the pieces of your broken heart, work on becoming a whole person again, and carry on with the rest of your life. WITHOUT the EX. So wanting to break N/C for any reason is not advisable...... No contact keeps you from making unwise decisions, from trying to pull the ex back into the game, embarrassing yourself with unwanted e-mails, calls, etc. If there is anyone who breaks n/c it should be the person that was the dumper, and that my friends, puts the Dumpee in the powerfull position of deciding if they want to take the call, and continue with the game. Hopefully by then you have been working on YOU and decided you are worth more, the relationship is over, and move on to better things. Just my 0.02 cents....
  25. sonjam
    Outcast, don't dispair, maybe the next one you find will be even better, and just the right one for you, maybe it's been so hard to go to one, because you haven't found the right one! If you want any help finding a good one, I know ray-kay knows your area, and would be very glad to help!! I'm so very glad that you are considdering going to a doc, I PROMISE it is a step in the right direction. You and I know it is horrible feeling this way, and if there is stuff you can do to make it go away, well it's worth a try isn't it? You know it is the depression that is causing this downward spiral, so try and fight it, difficult as it may be. DON'T GIVE UP! We will be here for you. Will send you a mail via e-mail, so we can continue to chat, o.k?
×
×
  • Create New...