kpow

Well it has been several months, for some reason I was compelled to start writing again. Things have not gone well at all, in fact, although the acute daily agony is not there, I am no where near happy. I have a permanent room at Hotel Grief. I still miss my ex, still tell him I love him during every conversation. I have tried to distract myself in every way possible-- work, working out, guitar playing, art, music, dating, dancing, drinking, travelling, my girls, knitting, etc. It has all been for sh*t. I just can't shake the feeling that I have made the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE by kicking him out. I still feel that I have had a limb cut off partially, and am dragging it around, trying to reattach it with no luck. I feel sorry for myself on a daily basis-- so lame-o, I know, but unavoidable. I feel disconnected from life here-- from my work, friends, social life-- like I don't belong, or am marked "different". Where is the end to this? I feel like i was some sort of monster, the way the ex talks about it-- that I basically caused everything to go wrong. Am I that screwed up? Am I that out of touch with reality, am I that dysfunctional? If so, is there any hope? How do I fix this? This heartache. . . who knew it would be so bad. Who knew that for over 6 months now I have cried almost everyday, regretted so hard my decisions, been so lost that I would have better luck navigating my way back from Neptune than finding my way out of this. I hate my life, I hate who I have become, and who I have been. I feel no pride in what I have accomplished, because it is all for nothing without love.

I am still here. . . thank-you Sonjam for keeping me in your thoughts. It is needed, always. I am doing my best to move forward, to be the best possible mom for my children. I am praying everyday, and hoping that God will help guide me, and give me the strength I need at this time. Thank-you so much for your thoughts, though. Even if I am not here everyday, I still do visit.

lulu, I know exactly where you are coming from. It is a sh*tty place-- a purgatory between our exes and the future. The problem is in our heads the future seems very bleak and lonely, and even though our exes are all f*cked up, at least they are something to cling to. I don't mind being alone physically-- it is the loneliness of my soul that I can't bear. The loss of someone's LOVE for me. My ex still says he loves me, but he can't be with me. And of course he is still with this other girl. He says I have a corner of his heart-- but I used to have the whole thing! It is so easy for me to say to you--- Get rid of that guy! Take the trash out! Cut the strings! Be strong!. But I know from personal experience that it is the hardest thing to do. What does help is having many people telling you over and over that you are doing the RIGHT thing. You ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Your future will brighten. You should seek treatment for your depression, whether or not you want to take medications. If you are clinically depressed this process will take much longer, and be much harder without treatment. Hang in there, keep posting and take it one day at a time. If you are overwhelmend, take a break and focus on something in front of you-- like a tree or a bird or something not related to him. I don't know the answers, girl. I wish to god I did because I still cry almost everyday. I don't know--- but if I can help you in any way, then that helps me.

It is Thanksgiving-- usually my favorite holiday of them all. I love cooking and having my family and friends gather-- no gifts, no cheesy decorations. Just food and company. But today SUCKS. It is *his* birthday, and he wants to take the baby with him today, and I know *she* will be there. And each day I say this should be easier, there should be less pain, more acceptance, more healing. And yet even today I am in tears. I went to Disney for a few days with my kids and mom. It was so hard to see all of the families with moms and dads and kids-- all together and joyful and sharing. It breaks my heart into pieces to think my children don't have a father-- I know there are so many special lessons that only their dad could teach them, and they will miss out seeing him every other weekend. And to raise 2 kids on my own-- it is tiring to say the least. The other thing is my mother. She is such a bitter, defensive, alcoholic woman. I SO don't want to end up like her. She and my father are still married, but i don't understand their relationship one bit. My dad used to be a lawyer, respected, etc. But now he is basically a bum, living off of my mom for the most part, working construction. I don't know why he left law-- if he had to, or it was his choice. He always did things like not paying taxes, or not doing some important thing that ended up screwing my mom in the long run (like the IRS taking her retirement account b/c he didn't pay taxes for years). But they feed off of each other, their joint misery and alcoholism. My mom seems like she despises him, yet when the chips are really down-- like when she got sick or he got high blood pressure-- then they drop everything and are there for each other-- they are the first people they call. Maybe b/c there is no one else to call. But I hope and pray that this is not my future. I still believe in love-- in a balanced love of give and take. I want to love again--- but I know I must heal this heart first. Thank-you to everyone for your support. Please keep it coming, I need it more than ever. Special thanks to Sonjam for keeping me in your thoughts.

Sonjam, God knows I am trying to get my heart pumping again-- I am trying and yet I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Nowhere at all. Just going around in circles in my head, driving myself crazy with regret and yearning. I need to refocus-- I keep thinking about the future and the past, about fears and regrets. I can't seem to focus on the now-- on what I do have, to feel thankful for my gifts, my children. Please continue to give me strength. Right now i am running on empty.

I have been thinking about this thread-- and trying to make sense of why we choose those we end up with. I wonder if those of us who end up with partners "down" the ladder aren't insecure ourselves-- that at some level we feel we don't deserve more. That we need to work constantly to try and fix/improve someone else-- even if they didn't ask for it. I think in my case it came from growing up in an alcoholic family-- so I became used to dysfunction. And now I have no idea what a "normal" give-and-take relationship is like. I only know how to take care of someone. The minute someone starts taking care of me, I feel uncomfortable-- questioning their motives. Yet we constanly yearn for someone to care for us-- it is very dichotomous. The task at hand is to somehow cure that needy side of us-- to accept who we are, and who are partners are. To let go of expectations. I don't know how to do this yet, but am trying.

I am at the end of my string with trying to get the ex back. I have tried every approach possible, and have been shut down each time. He says he loves me, i am his soul, we are the loves of each other's lives. But, he cannot be with me. He doesn't feel the same. He has buried his love for me somewhere distant, and he threw the map away, and can't find it. I know he doesn't want to find it. I hurt him too much. I rejected him, thinking I knew better, I was better off on my own. Do you know how much it hurts knowing that I inflicted this on myself? That I brought about this pain on my own? That I hurt him so much, and i was blind to it for so long. I still think about him all the time. If I close my eyes I can feel him next to me. I know where his scars are, his soft spots, I can feel his lips on mine, and the love and passion that passed through them.[ I didn't think that the last time we made love would be the LAST time. I feel so inferior to this girl he is seeing. She is on a pedastal, she can do no wrong, has done no wrong. But i am tired of this battle. I have seen the cards on the table, and I must fold. I have no strength to continue to throw myself at him. And i can see it only hurts him when I do. I just grieve for my family, for my girls who will not know what it means to have a mommy and daddy in the same house. Who had to watch their mommy go through hell, and come out with 3rd degree burns all over. I am scarred, my heart is scarred. I must own this pain, turn it to good, somehow come out alive again. I never meant for this to happen. i never set out to hurt anyone, to hurt myself. Why do we go down these paths, when we can see danger signs posted along the way. We choose to ignore them, saying to ourselves-- "I won't get hurt, I will be the one to make it through unscathed." Why do we end up with those that we hurt, and hurt us? Are we doomed to repeat this, or can we stop the cycle? I hope I can. I need to-- I need to show my children that it can be done. They need a loving, supportive family, and a mother and father as role models on how to be, not NOT how to be. I was willing to take my ex, with all the pain and "faults' he had, with all the problems I knew we had, I was willing to lay down my weapons, my pride, my defenses and open the gate. I was willing to accept him as is, not wanting anything more, not expecting anything more. Just as is. And I would have loved him as a man should be loved, and been content with my family intact. Because ultimately, it is our job to ensure our happiness, not our partner's. So I wouldn't have looked to him to make me happy, I just would have been happy being with him. But it is not to be.

I must say that I agree with you 100% on this thread. Like I said earlier, i have been the "caretaker" and have grown to resent my role, blaming the other person for not living up to their side of the bargain. Problem is, they didn't even know there was a bargain. They just thought it was great to have someone pay the bills, organize the house, "show them the way" as it were-- until the resentment, the feelings of inferiority/superiority grew. It is painfully difficult to look at myself and own the choices I have made. I, too, ended both of my relationships, and ended up, I feel, suffering the most. I have sworn to myself to go into the next relationship with my eyes wide open-- willing and able to accept ALL that is in front of me, not expecting more, not wanting to "change" the other person. And this means i must change myself-- I must not transmit my expectations for myself onto someone else. There is not a "perfect" person out there that will meet all needs at all times. like I have said before, I think many of us are brainwashed as Americans into thinking there is a perfect mate out there, and when it falls short, DIVORCE/BREAKUP. I believe we actually have more control over our feelings/emotions than we give ourself credit for. I am not the champion of managing my emotions, in fact I suck at it, but I believe with time I can improve. This means that when in a relationship, if ever it feels like we are slipping back into an unbalanced state, we can intentionally move our momentum, our weight to the other side and restore balance.

This is an excellent thread. I, too, have been the caretaker in my last two relationships. Thinking that I am entitled, even better, than my partner, because I give so much. I just want someone on my level. It is a scary jump to make, though. As a woman it is so much harder b/c we don't dictate who asks us out. We are left either not going out because the guy isn't up to par and being alone, or going out just "to have fun" and run the risk of getting involved in another inapproptiate match. I agree-- the cared-fors seem to have it right. The only thing we can do is examine our defects, work to improve ourself, make it better.

My shirt is wet with my tears right now. I am in some sort of masochisist hell, where I keep calling the ex, and one time we talk and he tells me he will always love me, he misses me, it is hard for him, and the next time how he swore to himself that he would never be with me again, that he would never let me hurt him. And he says how basically it is me, and my family (who have supported me) that screwed everything up. Because my family stands by me, instead of taking his side. He is so crazy-- he can't believe that it is right for my friends and family to be next to me. And he still thinks there is nothing wrong with him banging the girl upstaris. That it is merely my choice to be upset by this, and that I am being unreasonable. He says I am in lala land, not him. Maybe I am. I am in some stupid land where I am taken for the bad guy. I am just praying for the day that this all ends. I hope I come out better in the end, not worse. I find it cathartic in some way, this self flagellation. Hearing over and over how the man i am in love with doesn't want me by his side. i suppose this stage will end at some point. I wish I was stronger. That I could be consistent in my feelings, actions, when it comes to him.

lulu, Be strong, know that you are strong, even when you feel like the weakest thing alive. You can do this. One minute at a time, you can make it through. I know exactly what it feels like to love someone who seems to have flipped a switch, and you feel like you are the crazy one, yet everyone around you assures you that he is the crazy one. YES he is the crazy one. You are the sane one, the rock, the core. Even if you feel crazy, it is HIM. You will heal, given time, a lot of goddamn time. It won't feel like it will ever pass, and believe me I feel that way right now. But I KNOW it will pass, it will. Because all suffering ends. This guy is toxic for you-- he is your drug, you are an addict, and you must quit him. Cold turkey. And like an addict, you must not glamorize him, make him seem better than he is, the answer to all of your problems, etc. You must understand that he is bad for you, a poison to your system. I understand about the going out and guy issue. There are a TON of freaks and losers out there. A TON. And frankly right now most guys seem like freaks whether they really are one or not. Because i am in no place to be getting into a relationsip with someone. My heart (your heart) is like an unlocked BMW with a $4000 CD collection just sitting on the front seat. We are ripe to be ripped off, stripped, and left robbed. So protect yourself, your heart, your soul. The only person that can make you happy is YOU. That is your only job. Just do it. Hugs.

Two of my friends just left. They are so great, such beautiful, strong, intelligent women. One is from India, the other from Pakistan. I love the strength of women. We are the childbearers, the caretakers, the fiber that weaves the fabric of all of civilization. i love that I am a fertile woman, who bears children. My children are so amazingly, brilliantly, painfully beautiful. i am listening to Nina Simone, drinking red wine. I am so painfully alone, yet attached to all of womankind by some thread, some string that attaches us and we feel the pull when one of us is hurting. And we rally around our fallen one, and care for her, and help her, build her up, take care of her children until she is again able. So I never told you the one about when I cut a guy's chest open-- he had been shot and basically was dying. I cut his chest open, put a clamp on his aorta, and massaged his heart to bring blood flow back to his brain and organs. It was such an amazing experience, to at least try to actually with my own hands bring someone back to life, literally, pumping the blood through his body. I love that part of medicine, i love having the ability to bring someone back from the edge of disaster. i am not into the mundane, day to day "my back hurts doc" sh#t. i like trauma, disaster, bring it on. But it's not like I think I am so great, and can do whatever. More like I have been taught these things, these skills, and if I can use them, then it is good. Like an athelete who excels at their game, it is not like they are pretending to be something other than they are. They are just doing what comes naturally. For me that is taking care of critically ill patients. Thank god for my job, since my personal life is literally a disaster. If only I could massage some life into that. Boy, it is past my bedtime. To all of you hurting souls out there, I send you a healing prayer. You are not alone.

confused, Oh man, that sucks. Believe me i can understand where you are coming from. It is the fact that our exes are with someone else that is probably the most unbearable part of it. i just saw my exes girlfriend come home and go upstairs-- how's that for in your face? Now I don't feel so strong. I feel lame, weak and unwanted. Why did you break up with her? There must have been some reasons. Why does this breakup thing have to be so hard?? Why are the feelings so overwhelming, so unbearable, so consuming? And especially when for all intents and purposes the relationships weren't the ideal relationships to begin with? I am losing faith in mankind. Everyone seems so superficial, caught up in things that really don't matter. I feel I am alone here in this city, so isolated from my friends and family. And I am the center for my kids-- I don't want to screw them up because I am such a mess. But it is hard to be doing this all alone. I was talking with my sister, and I was saying is this the way it is supposed to be?? Am I supposed to be raising these girls on my own?? What the f*ck?????? This is such a struggle. Why can't it get smoother, easier?? Now I am really bummed. So much for not crying anymore. When i first met my ex i gave him everything in my heart-- everything. i gave him my daughter, another daughter, my life, my soul, my home. And he just f#cking throws it back in my face, wipes me off his shoe like a piece of dog sh#t, and start banging the girl who lives upstairs from me. Right now, this is just UNBEARABLE.

lulu, Don't call him-- I can't stress this enough. I am a convert to the temple of NC-- there is no other path to healing. And I am not the best at it-- I still have to talk to ex regarding the kids. And let me tell you, each time I do he is the one in control, and I end of crying in my pillow afterwards. There is nothing good that will come of it for you. If he wants to talk to you, explain himself, make amends, he knows where to find you. You will call him with expectations of getiting answers, love, closure, whatever-- but in all likelihood, none of those things will happen, and you will end of frustrated, angry and rejected. By not contacting him, you are asserting control. Over yourself, over him, over the whole situation. Pack his stuff up-- again you are in control. You will feel better, I promise.

lulu, I may not be able to sort my life out right now, but I can give you some perspective on your dilemma. Stay away from this guy. NC. Separate yourself from him. You are right-- if he really wanted you back and had his act together he should be on your doorstep with a million roses. don't settle for anything less. He is obviously confused, lost, and sounds like he doesn't have his life together one bit. let me tell you, coming from someone who has 2 children from men like this--- HE WON'T CHANGE. And the more you entangle your life with him the harder it will be to separate. I am not saying you don't love him. We can't help who we love (although I am beginning to think we can help who we fall in love with at the beginning). But it is unhealthy to the nth degree. Save yourself, girl. Don't go back to him, don't expend another oxygen molecule helping him. He needs to help himself. We all need to help ourselves. You need to heal yourself. Box his sh*t up and leave it somewhere for him to pick up. Cancel the cell phone, or whatever--- I did the EXACT same thing with my ex, just getting the phone back this week! We cannot fix/save these men. They must do it themselves. I feel men like this are parasites-- they go from woman to woman sucking the support out of us until we are shrivelled up, then they go on to the next juicy morsel. I know it is hard. Believe me, I am not the posterchild of NC. But I know, I really know that it is the best way. Please consider my words. Stay strong. We are strong women, and these men are weaker than us, but we can't carry them forever. There is someone out there who doesn't require all of this tending and maintenence. You just need to heal your broken heart first.