Da5id

Oh man, do I know where you are coming from. I am guessing you're just like me. I'm a rescuer... I wrote a REALLY long post about it... check it out: When you're done reading that, PM me, there's a LOT of information you need to know about this. There's an entire "treatment model" for people like you and me... And if it's any consolation, I am doing REALLY well right now... happier than I have been in a long time, so the stuff works. I had an ex that did what you're talking about... went around telling people about all the horrible things I did to her, when in reality, all I really ever did was take REALLY good care of her. I mean... REALLY good care... paying her rent, putting her through school, buying anything she wanted, and being extremely attentive/supportive. I could not understand why she had made all this stuff about me and it hurt my feelings... a lot. What I finally realized is that she had to almost lie to herself to be okay with the ending of our relationship. Some people put the other one on a pedestal when they break up, like they were the "one that got away." Others manifest negative views so that the pain of their loss is not as great. Does that make sense? -Dayvid

Bro... look man, I get it. I really do. The freedom from this pain for me came when I finally stopped going to HER for ANYTHING to make me feel better. There is nothing there for you but more pain and suffering. She has nothing good for you... but there are a TON of others that do. I know it's little comfort now, but I promise, once you make a decision... not a statement, but a decision to STOP GOING TO HER for any of your emotional well-being... you will soon stop being disappointed, and the pain will begin to subside. In my experience, by the time I finally get what I wanted to hear from whichever "her" it happened to be this time around, I am so over it that it becomes nothing more than a nice sentiment. 4 years after a rough breakup I got a letter from my ex telling me how I was the best boyfriend she ever had... how she wishes she would have married me and how I still have and always will have a place in her heart. 4 years later? When I got it I was like.. "Gee, that's nice." As hard as it is... you are going to have to show up for yourself and NOT allow her any opportunity to hurt you... even if the hurtful behavior is merely that of silence. This is the whole principle behind NC. Now, there's one more thing here... you mentioned binge drinking. When you are dealing with a heavy drinker, drug user or even someone that has serious chemical dependency, you are not dealing with the whole person. Their capacity to block out their feelings is heavily superior to someone that does not partake in over-indulgence. Later down the line of course, it always catches up with them, but it could take decades and that's her path... none of your business any more. Thank GOD... You really did dodge a bullet. I promise. I have gone to a 12 step program based in and around being in a relationship with an alcoholic/drug addict and man... it is NO joke. They are like a cyclone, ripping through people's lives and leaving nothing but devistation in their path. Bottom line? Any time you expect anything from this woman, I am betting that you are setting yourself up for pain and resentment. As hard as it was, I had to start taking responsibility for my own well-being... and I have had to learn how to take care of myself. I don't mean cooking myself dinner. I mean doing the things for myself that make me feel great... and do not require anyone elses participation. After a while, I am hoping to be just fine without a woman as my partner, so when I find her... she won't be the thing that makes life bearable... she'll be that extra something that makes it magical. Does that make sense dude? I'm pullin for you man... PM me any time if you want to talk. -Dayvid

Good for you man... Come back and tell us all how you're doing... especially when it's great! Cheers! -Dayvid

For those of you that know, my ex fiance and I broke up in April and tried to get back together after 3.5 months of NC in July. Only to break up AGAIN at the end of October when she told me she just "didn't feel the same way she used to." Well, I have maintained a strict NC policy and after much pain, suffering and blabbering to all of you, I got back on the horse. I started hanging out with friends, dating new women, creating new artwork and got heavy into my photography again. With xmas only 1 week away, I was afraid I would be very upset about "missing out" on her family and friends and the stuff that we used to do together. But overall, I am happier than I have been in a long time. The fog is starting to lift and while I still think about her often, the thoughts are not stabs of pain and feelings of loss. Instead they are more introspective, trying to figure out why I tried so hard to save a relationship that only I seemed to really care about. At any rate, instead of dropping off the face of the earth because I feel better, I thought I would extend some of my experience to all of you. For those of you that are just starting your uphill NC battle, it has been a little over 2 months for me. Hope this lends at least a little encouragement to someone out there. Cheers! -Dayvid

Okay... that went really well and I feel a lot better atm... (grin)

I happen to have a date with a beautiful lady tonight... I'm hoping that helps. I'll let you know.

It might sound silly... but after nearly 2 months of NC... one of the new guys at my work was talking to me about salsa dancing and I started mentioning my ex. He told me that he knew her and saw her last weekend at the club he goes to and he told me how hot she looked. I don't know why, but I looked up an old picture of her I had in my photo gallery and asked if it was her and he said yep... that's her. I know it's really nothing at all, but it has sent me into a tailspin of pain and I can't figure out why... it really feels terrible though. While I know I won't... all of a sudden I want to break NC.

You're not a fool, you were paying attention but still allowing yourself to enjoy the passion. I think it takes a long time to get to know someone, and I have to tell you that I think you are lucky to find out after a month. That's not to say there's no attachment and you are not in pain... but it would have been worse 18 months down the road, which is usually about the time I figure this stuff out.

This is what I like to refer to as "the longest walk." My heart is a big, slow, dumb beast... and it is stronger than my head... but when I "act as if" for long enough... my head catches up. Just let the clock do its thing. You'll be asking yourself why you were in so much pain... I promise.

I think heloladies is right on. I read your post and I think that you are putting way too much of the blame on yourself. There were two people involved here and I have a sneaking suspicion that the whole conversation about her leaving the country was designed to get the exact reaction it did from you. My girlfriend from 4 years ago that lived with me at the time suddenly got the travel bug. She had committed to me but somehow felt that she was missing out on something and had to see the world... the world without me of course. Consiquently, she did write me a long letter 3 years later explaining how she wished she had tried to work things out and that I still have a very special place in her heart. Of course, by the time I got that letter, I had been in 2 more relationships and was wishing the words were written to me by my current or soon to be ex. The moral of the story? I'm sorry you're hurting, but this is temporary. Including your feelings about love. BTW... being available and committed to your mate... or even being afraid to lose them, does not make you weak.

Yes... It's normal. Unfortunately, often times, at least for me and the people I discuss it with, it's not only love that we're dealing with, but obsession as well. Sometimes, as a defense mechanism, the ego puts a person up onto a pedestal to justify them leaving us, or having the ability to go on without us. Sort of like saying, "If they are able to leave me, they must be nearly perfect." Interesting mechanism no?

It's okay to want him to call... it's okay to feel sad and lonely... you are going through a breakup. If you can stick to your side of things and not initiate contact, then the feelings of sadness and loneliness will pass with time... soon you will not even want to hear from him because you will have moved on. If you break down and call him (btw, no one here will think any less of you) you will go back to square one and have to start the healing process all over again... if you're lucky. For me, she called after 3.5 months and I gave it another go... only to have my heart ripped out 90 days later. Double breakups, back to back. Not fun.

Regardless of who's fault it is, you two are great at pushing each other's buttons. What it seems like to me (and I'm no therapist) is that your fights are an outlet for all the nasty stuff that goes on in life, and that when the gloves come off... ugly things are said and both of you are left feeling hurt. I have been in a similar relationship and the feelings were very intense... either intensely good or intensely bad, but always at one end of the spectrum or another. While many people would probably disagree on these boards, and would tell you to immediately initiate NC and move on with your life... I, personally had to at least make an attempt to end things in a civil way. To let her go with love. So I made amends, I apologized for my side of stuff and made every effort NOT to point out any of her part. I also went in trying extremely hard to have no expectations of her even accepting my apology. She was pretty nasty at first and looked like I just stepped up to be the bigger man only to be kicked in the teeth... but after a long conversation, it ended in a very soft and loving way. The trap of course here, is the one that you guys have a history of getting back together... if you were to make amends to her and everything felt okay for the time being, from what you say in your post, it might be easy for you to fall back into it again. So I am not giving you advice... just my experience. Sorry you're hurting man... I know it makes it even harder to know she's hurting too. But remember, making her feel better is no longer your job, and in time, you will thank your lucky stars for that.

It's really hard not to have expectations, even when you were not trying to initiate contact but have to out of necessity. You were probably bracing yourself for the strength it would take not to pick up when he did call to give you his condolences... and when it didn't come, you were... in a small way, let down. Perfectly normal and acceptable... and probably the same feeling you will perpetually get if you break NC in the future. Sorry to hear about your grandmother... and your broken heart.

Yeah... that's what I am saying... he totally gave me up for some meaningless nookie. The one caveat though, I think he might have a problem when it comes to this area. Like, I think he might be a little bit compulsive about sex. Honestly, I think in this situation, he simply could not bring himself to pass up a free night of sex, regardless of the consiquences. Like a drug addict. Bummer for him... cause it cost him my trust.