newlydumped

byate - I don't know all that much about your story, but anytime you have to pressure a girl into doing anything sexual, that is not a good thing. You say you could "tell she wanted to from the beginning." Well, most girls I know, if they really want to do something, do not need any pressure to do it.

Hi there- I have to say that I see a lot of what I used to be in your post. Not knowing your limits when you begin drinking is a HUGE problem. I used to do the same thing. I didn't drink during the weekend but when I would go out on the weekend, more often than not, I would wake up the next morning with little to no recollection of the night before. It was almost never intentional. I would go out, intending to have a couple drinks, and end up totally smashed. Part of it was an always varying tolerance, much of it was my inability to recognize how drunk I actually was and then continuing to drink. My friends would try to tell me, and I would just brush them off...after all, I am in my 20s, and everyone around me was drinking, too. Then about a year ago, I met this guy that I absolutely adored. The drinking was a problem almost from the start. But for the first seven months, I was able to get him to let it go each time it happened. But then, it got to be too much. And this guy broke up with me. And I stopped drinking cold turkey. It didn't bring him back, and probably never will. However, I feel like it has brought ME back. And I like myself so much more now that I am sober. I am not going to tell you that it was/is easy. It is hard, especially since I still go out with my friends, and generally end up explaining at least once that I do not drink by choice. But it is so worth it. I never wake up hung over, I don't forget events of the evening before. My pocketbook is not nearly as empty. My friends like being with me. And I don't have to worry that I will do something stupid like wrap my car around a tree or get sexual with someone that I shouldn't. And I don't have to worry about ever losing another friendship (and drinking did cost me a few, even before the ex) or another relationship to drinking. Trust me, alcohol is not worth it. Good luck with whatever choice you make, and feel free to PM me if you want to ask me anything.

So I tried calling him, once on Tuesday, and once this afternoon. Both times he let my call ring through to VM, and I didn't leave any messages. I hate that I feel like I am spiralling down into that needy ex. But I really don't understand why he refuses to talk to me at all. I feel like asking him that in a message..."so are we just never going to talk again?" Ugh. Why am I doing this to myself? I miss him so much. My mother thinks that maybe he senses that I am just contacting him to try and work things out. Who knows. It just doesn't make sense to me that four months on, he doesn't even find it in himself to hold a five minute conversation. I apologize for rambling, and I know that I am saying the same things over and over...it is just the same things keep playing in my head again and again.

It is easy to quit for two weeks, but I actually stopped drinking November 1st, so it is just shy of 5 months. Which I recognize is still a relatively short amount of time. And he has dealt with this in his family...his grandfather was an alcoholic until the day he died. As to whether I would start drinking again if he doesn't come around, I know I won't. I will never put myself in this type of situation again. If he doesn't come back, and if I am lucky enough to meet someone I love as much again, I would never want to repeat this situation. I also do not want to endanger any other non-romantic relationships. Plus, I really do like myself a great deal more now - sober. But some days I wonder if it is just too much for his to overcome. Plus he has to want to first. But then I end up back in the same place I began, wondering what would happen if we could at least just start talking.

Hi redhook...that is what I am afraid of - that he thinks there are too many problems with me to try again. But he told me several times that my drinking was the only thing he didn't like about me. As to how serious the drinking was, it wasn't good. I would not classify myself as an alcoholic, but I think that I was probably headed down that path. I started drinking in college to fit in and it just became habit. Combined with the fact that I am severely unable to recognize my limits, it became a problem. But I don't crave liquor, and quitting has been surprisingly easy. I feel like it was a habit that I just had to get out of doing. Unfortunately, it took me way too long to see any of what I just said. If we did ever get back together, I know I would not fall back into old habits. I like myself so much better now. And being sober is definitely a promise that I made to myself. I am very much of the school that you cannot make changes for anyone but yourself - someone else can inspire changes, but only you can make them. And I am sure that he is scared that my decision to stop drinking is only temporary. But he will never learn otherwise unless we communicate, which leaves me back in the same dilemma. Sbrew - thank you so much for your advice, I so appreciate it. I think about trying to just move on. But I don't know if I can, without trying at least one more time.

Yeah, it is totally crazy the way my mind can conjure up images or reasons for why he wouldn't answer the phone. And logically I know that I really have no idea why he didn't answer. I mean, I miss calls every day, and not usually because I choose not to answer. I know I don't need to prove anything to him, though that is definitely a hard knowledge to hang on to. And though my self-esteem took a huge nose dive right after the break-up, it is on its way back up. I love this new gym I have discovered and I actually really enjoy not drinking. (Tis a great thing to never wake up hung over!) I might take you up on the offer to help me with the message to him. I have to think about whether I am willing to leave a message and put myself into the vulnerable position of then waiting for him to call back. Do you really think guys always come around? I used to think that, but as I have read more and more about ex's contacting their dumpees, and he still hasn't reached out at all to me, that thought seems less and less true. Thank you for your kind words. And I have been following your story with your ex - I hope it all keeps going well for you!

Thank you for your advice. I tried calling him tonight on my way home from dinner with a friend. The call rang through to voicemail, but I didn't leave a message. I don't know if that was the right move or not. I figure I will wait a couple of days and maybe call again and this time, if I get voicemail, leave a message. It hurts though, my mind immediately goes to the thought that he let my call ring through on purpose, and why doesn't he want to talk to me? redhook - I know the drinking thing would be incredibly difficult to get over. But I believe in myself and I know that the drinking part of my life is over...it has cost too much. I would like for him to be able to believe in me, too. If he never does, that in no way means I will start drinking again. I quit for me. But how can I show him the changes in me if he never answers his phone? My therapist says that while she cannot read people's minds, it is her firm belief that if there were no emotions on his part, then communication would be easy. He wouldn't think twice about picking up the phone or responding to an email because there would be no emotional risk to him. She doesn't think that necessarily means he wants to get back together, but that there is still emotion there. What do you guys think?

I wouldn't worry about missing it by an hour. I have never been steady about the time I take my pill (though I do make sure that I take it every day), and my ex and I were having sex for months without a condom. I am sure that you are fine.

And if I call and he doesn't answer, then back to NC? Would it be cowardly/manipulative to call from my home phone, which is a blocked number? I don't want to be put back into the position of waiting for a response. I even thought of simply stopping by his house one night, but that is so not me, and it seems rather stalkerish. It doesn't help that the weather is turning nice again and so much of what we would do involved being outside in the sun, hiking, BBQ-ing, playing with my dogs. My therapist asked me this morning if I did call, was there any answer that he could give that would really help me. And the thing is, I don't know that there is. Funnily enough, the best scenario is if I called him, and he told me that he was seeing someone and that was why he was not communicating with me. Then the fact that he doesn't want to talk/see me would not seem to be so much about ME. It would hurt like h*ll that he was with someone else. But at least then I could understand. But if he did tell me that he didn't want to communicate either because he was just so over me or because he wasn't over me but wanted to be, I don't think either answer would be satisfying. If anything, that type of response would just leave me more dissatisfied and hoping for change. Because the truth of it is that I don't want to call because I am looking for closure. I want to call because I am looking for continuance. And I am not sure I want to know if that continuance is not possible.

Thanks, Trex. I guess I am just so worried that he might just simply reject me again. I mean, he didn't respond to that last email. And it makes it harder because I know he is in contact with his other ex's. Not in a big way, but sporadically, here and there. And our break-up wasn't so bad that he shouldn't want to talk to me. So why doesn't he seem to want to? I know it seems like I am babbling; I guess I kind of am. I am just so confused. I want to call him so badly, but I am so scared that it will be the wrong move.

Hey confusedmale, I would definitely listen to Scout's advice and just be honest with her. I actually had to end things with a guy that I had been on a few dates with this past weekend. Though he liked me a lot, I simply wasn't feeling it. So when he dropped me off on Friday and asked when he could see me, I told him that I was feeling more friendship vibes than relationship vibes with him. I told him he was a great person, but that friendship was the only thing I saw in our future. And though I know he was hurt, it was much better to do it in person as soon as I knew, than to do it over the phone or by just not returning his calls. And yes, I felt, and feel, guilty for hurting him. But to not end it would be to just hurt both of us more in the long run. Just be as nice as you can be, and go from there.

Hi RedHook...The thing is, I don't want to call and confess my love. I just want him in my life again. Do I hope that we would then eventually get back together? Of course, or I wouldn't be posting in this forum. But I also know that things have changed for both of us, and we would need to see what those changes would mean in terms of the possibility for a new relationship. I am not drinking. But he is not going to trust that simply because I say so. He would have to see that for himself. And I would have to gauge how my own feelings are towards him if/when he is back in my life. His breaking up with me had an enormous effect on me. And while I want him back, I don't want him back in a way that would necessitate me constantly feeling as if I am having to prove myself, or be grateful that he was willing to give me another chance. It would have to be on equal footing. But of course, to see if that would even have the chance to happen, we would need to see, and speak to, each other. And I know that I deserve someone who wants to be with me. The thing that keeps sticking in my mind is that he did want to be with me. He simply couldn't deal with the drinking. And I don't think he was wrong in that. I am actually extremely grateful to him for breaking up with me, in terms of the fact that it finally turned on that lightbulb in my head. I just wish that he was able to see me now that it has turned on. Sbrew21 - Calling him and keeping things light is exactly what I want to do. In fact, that is what I hoped would happen when I called him about 6 weeks ago regarding the whole eHarmony thing. And though he did email me after I left him that voicemail, he hasn't replied to my last email, though it too was short and light. People around me are telling me that that either means he is totally over it or that he isn't over it at all and just isn't ready to talk to me, but that either way I should just let it go. But something in my gut just won't let me let go. And thus the idea of calling just keeps swirling in my head.

My boyfriend and I broke up in early November. Though it doesn't hurt as much as it did at first, lately I find myself thinking about him constantly and desperately wanting to speak to him. The break-up was my mainly my fault - I was drinking too much and simply did not get how many problems it was causing. I stopped drinking the day he broke up with me and have not had a drink since, nor do I plan to. I have not spoken to him since we broke up. I sent him a letter one month after the break-up telling him that I was no longer drinking and would like to get together and talk, but of course I got no response. We then got matched on e-Harmony - I ended up calling him to laugh about it and left a vm...he sent me an email back saying that he thought that he hadn't known till he got my message as he never logs on to the site but that he thought it was funny, too and that he hoped I was well. I wrote back a couple weeks later and just said that I was doing fine, and asked how his job was going - he started right before we broke up. I haven't heard anything back. I sent the email 3 weeks ago. I want to call him so badly - I miss him tremendously, and thoughts of him are constant, even as I try to train my brain to think of other things. We had a great relationship, but my drinking eroded it. I just want to spend some time with him again. And I guess I don't understand why we cannot have some small amount of communication, even if it is just emailing every couple of weeks. I have been doing all the things people say to do - I have been working out 4 times a week, going to therapy, meditating, spending time with friends; I have even been on a few dates. But the urge to call him is getting overwhelming. Any thoughts or support would be amazing...

Hello all - I was actually surprised when I logged into ENA today and found this thread at the top, since I had posted it back in Nov, but I thought I would give an update and see if maybe I could get some more thoughts from those out there... I definitely agree with all of you who have said that I should not have been drinking. I shouldn't have been, and I actually stopped drinking completely the same day I posted this thread, which is now like 3.5 months ago. It is somewhat bittersweet, because after the first couple of days, I haven't even missed it. I still go out, I just don't drink. And if it is possible, I am having more fun than I did before. But I hate that it cost me so much to finally "get it" about my drinking, though I am incredibly grateful that I did get it. As to the ex, I haven't spoken to him since we broke up. My grandmother passed away right after Thanksgiving and I included him on a mass email letting people know. He never responded. I sent him a letter in mid-December, letting him know that I wasn't drinking and asking him to meet me for coffee if he wanted to talk, but got no response. I then went to work on serious healing, and have recently begun to feel loads better. I sent him another email at the beginning of February, just a two-liner telling him something that I thought he would find amusing, and ending it with "hope you're well." I didn't expect a response, and I didn't get one. It was not bothering me and I was thinking of him less and less. Then, this past week, my ex and I were matched up on E-Harmony, which I had joined a couple months ago, and apparently he has also joined at some point. So now, I don't know if I should do anything...call him? Leave it be? My profile states that I don't drink as my first couple of dates off of the site were a bit awkward because the guy didn't know. So if he has any interest in seeing if things work when I am not drinking, he would contact me, correct? Or can I use this as a way of opening back up communication? I don't know anymore if I want to get back together with him - while I will not deny that it is a possibility I would love the chance to entertain, things are not so simple in my heart or my head anymore. What I do know is that I would love the chance for him to see me not as that drunken girl but as the intelligent woman that I am, even if we never date again. I don't know. It seems too bizarre to not mean something. Opinions??

I have never done it myself, but I was reading the introduction to John Gray's "Mars and Venus Go On A Date" and he said that he and his wife dated for a year a half, broke up, got back together 4 years later and have been happily married for the 2 decades since.