lulu04

andy, thank you. thanks so much for your reply. It helps me to hear from people who have experience with this. I'm sorry you were in a similar situation. It is more painful and confusing than anything I have experienced, and I would never wish this upon anyone. It's amazing how many people are touched by drugs who want nothing to do with them -- I wish they didn't even exist. I have to admit, it's been so incredibly difficult for me to wrap my brain around all of this...especially when he tells me things like "it's not that bad" and then a month later says he's using every day, then another month and he is "trying to get clean" or "hasn't done it in a week" -- I just never know what is going on. It's literally crazy-making. I have to even go back to my memories and see them through different lenses -- was he high? when was this going on?? I know in my head that I need to let go, but my heart really struggles. I can't believe I never even knew this was going on. It makes me feel guilty, too, when he reaches out to me and I have chosen to ignore him this time. I have been there for him consistently, even after the break when he left me with nothing but a letter and all of the financial mess to clean up. I have still been available to him as an emotional support. Now I'm getting calls at the apt. from his credit card co. trying to find him -- I'm guessing he maxed his card & isn't paying. Isn't it hard to grasp that they are really doing this to themselves??? I asked him if his life was better when he was with me, and he said it was. but....i guess cocaine wins. Sometimes I get so confused by all of the lies -- he tells me that I'm "blaming" the whole breakup on cocaine & that it isn't that serious -- so sometimes I wonder if I am blowing it out of proportion & maybe he has even quit. But most people tell me that it's hard to quit without therapy. Anyone know anything about this? I'm so scared of my future. It's hard to adjust to being alone after living together for 6 years. I never thought i'd be living alone in some big crazy city...but here I am. I guess I just keep trying to get through each day....it's a struggle. I really care about his well-being, but I know that the person who was my best friend really doesn't care about mine. It hurts. I would take a hug if you could give it, thank you so much.

Hi everyone. I need some support and somewhere to vent... i am on month 6 of being split from my ex-fiancee. We were together for 6 years, living together for 5. He got into cocaine (unbeknownst to me) and was doing it for about a year before he left. I found this out later when he called me in Dec. wanting to "get clean" and come home....well, I wasn't sure at the time if I should do that, said I would want him to get into a program & he said he would... 2 weeks passed, and by the time I saw him again mid-Jan, he was with someone else. He has been with 5 women since he left me. I don't know if he is still with this person, or if he is still using (I'm assuming he is because he hasn't been to any sort of treatment center). (How does he meet so many people, btw?? I have been with one person since and it ended up being a total disaster...) ANyway, I had done NC towards the beginning of the breakup for about a month, but had to break it because of logistics (lease, cell phones, etc), and that's when I got sucked back in to his back & forth antics...we've been in touch fairly consistently since then. Sometimes he wants to come home, sometimes he wants to "see where his life takes him". He is totally different each time we talk -- sometimes cold, sometimes says sweet things.... So since we last talked about 1.5 weeks ago, I have not contacted him at all. But he sent me a text on Monday a.m. saying "thinking of you and hope you are ok" -- I have not responded. My question is whether or not to respond when the ex tries to contact you. I feel a lot of guilt for not responding, and of course I WANT to...it has been a constant struggle for me to not call him (which is why I'm posting). I feel very empty without him and cannot imagine meeting someone else. I just don't know where or how that could happen. I'm getting stronger in a lot of ways, and often I feel I know that I am better without him, but it is a confusing situation because of the drugs -- this is not the person I loved and I know he is in there somewhere...I keep waiting for him to return, to snap back to his senses. What if I don't contact him back and then he is gone forever? It is a really scary thought after you thought you were going to spend your life with someone. One other question: Why is he doing this, anyway? Anyone venture a guess? I don't understand the effects of cocaine; is that maybe affecting his behavior -- making him go back & forth? Or is he just stringing me along? and if so, WHY???????? thanks for your help, friends. I feel very alone right now & scared I will break...

Is anybody else as lost as I am? Sometimes I feel like I am more screwed up than anyone, even the ex. I am such a mess. I had a better week last week, but I don't know why. Then it's valentines day and I feel so horrible and hopeless. I am lost in every area of my life. I have no self-esteem to get myself back on my feet. I miss my ex incredibly, unbearably, and I keep allowing him to disrespect me, i don't know why. It's so hard for me to understand how the person who I felt the most secure with could hurt me so much, over and over again. I want him back. I want security. I want to feel love. Why do I feel like he is the one who can help me? why do I keep talking to him and wanting to call?? I just cannot let go, i have nothing else in my life. I realize that I am totally codependent. But when you have nothing else, how do you break that? I just miss my old life too much. I have a lump in my throat every day that is huge, and an aching in my chest. I can't stand it anymore. I see my future as totally empty, and continuing to spiral down. I don't know how to stop it. I know that no one else would ever want someone like me. I'm a waitress, for god's sake. Does anyone else feel like they don't know what they are doing or are unhappy with their career, AND their love life AND everything else? Please help I just want to end it, I want all of my failures to be erased and never have to feel this pain again.

thanks everyone for your posts. the question is, how do you let go?? i'm trying, i really am, but my heart still aches for what we had and who he was. he has told me that he isn't using anymore, do you think this is a lie? i guess no one can say for sure, but why would he lie about it now when he was the one who told me he was doing it before? it's all so confusing... if only someone could say "hey, in 3 years you are going to meet the person of your dreams & they will love you and stay with you through anything, but you just have to be single for 3 years" I would be ecstatic and would thoroughly enjoy my time alone. it's just the uncertainty and the fear that i may never have that love again... some days i just don't know what to live for, what to look forward to...

Hi all. I guess my self-respect is really low, I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I guess because I've been so lonely and depressed & missing my old life so much. I actually had a better week this past week, but now I feel kind of bad again. Talked to the ex on Thursday. He said he was no longer seeing the new woman (with whom he was supposedly "staying clean" with). He wanted to talk to me more, so we decided to talk tonight. Then he calls tonight, he's sick, doesn't feel like talking but suggested we meet for lunch on Wed. I asked him why he wanted to see me because the last time we met he told me he was dating this new person, which of course was very hurtful to me. I pointed this out to him and asked him if he understood that this is something that would cause me pain. It took him a good 30 seconds to say "yes." Then I asked him if he is seeing anyone now, and he said he was! And when I asked who, he said the same person -- and said that he didn't mean to imply on thurs that they were "no longer seeing each other", just that they "hadn't been seeing each other much at that time". once again, i'm speechless. I am so confused by him. Why would he even want to see me if he has no interest in working things out?? I don't know if he's still using drugs, or what. I feel like I'm about done with having contact with him, but it is so hard to imagine him not being in my life at all. And it is so hard that he has had all of these women in his life over the last 6 months, I have only been with one person and all it did was make me miss him more. I never meet people who I'm interested in -- it seems like good ones are so very hard to find...I just don't believe I will ever love again. I just want to feel better..... anyone have any thoughts on all of this? i know I'm not supposed to be analyzing his behavior, but seriously, it is crazy-making.

no way of knowing the chances, but it would be near ovulation, most likely. what you should do is go to planned parenthood (or another clinic like this) and get the morning-after pill. it's called "plan b" -- i had to do this once. it's no big deal at all and they are very easy to get. just go in, explain what happened. the pill works for up to 72 hours after unprotected sex, but it is more effective the sooner you take it. there are 2 pills, just take them both at once. for me, it cost like 30 bucks. totally worth it. they may list some scary side effects, but i had none to speak of. the worst would be a little nausea. if for no other reason, do it for peace of mind, or the next 2 weeks may be miserable, waiting for your period to come!

i just can't find pleasure in anything anymore. i tried to go out tonight with friends, and i can't focus, i don't care about anything. i don't care what happens to me, i just wish i didn't have to be here. my future is empty -- i don't know what i'm doing with my life and i hate my life so much right now. i feel like i'll never amount to anything. i feel so rejected and i feel like i screwed up the best thing i ever had. he cooked for me, took care of me, said sweet things to me. then left. it must have been my fault. now he is doing all of those things with someone else, who he is so fond of that he will probably marry. how can he replace me so quickly??? how??? i don't understand. i tried to date someone a while ago and all it did was reaffirm how much more he meant to me, how much more compatible we were. i am alone & although i don't want another bf right now, i know that i will never find someone again. where will i ? in a bar? no. there is no one. no one cares about what happens to me. i don't either anymore. every day gets harder, every day feels worse to me because it's just another empty day. there is absolutely no reason for me to be alive.

I can't find a new bf. i can't find comfort in anything, especially not in myself. i want to end it tonight, right now. i need this all to be over. i hate how much pain i am in. i have no one to call right now to save me. i have nothing. i want to die.

i want to call him so badly and ask him to please just come home. I feel like I will have regret for the rest of my life if i lose him forever. should i call him and talk to him? i'm so alone, i don't know what to do. i don't want to continue living like this, i can't.

Thank you guys. I feel desperate, I really need this place right now. I can't talk to anyone else about these feelings. My mom & sister have actually stopped contacting me because they say they can't "deal" with me this way. My dad is the only one I have, and I can't be burdening him every single day with the same old stuff. I guess I feel like it was my fault that he was unhappy, so then he started using coke. And I feel like now he seems very happy with this other woman & supposedly isn't using anymore with her -- in his mind, she has turned everything around for him even though I would have been there to help him through anything if he had let me. But he says he had "no choice" but to leave me the way he did. I was weak last night and I sent him a text. He replied this a.m. that I should call him today, but I know I shouldn't. I just want to beg him to come home -- i want him to WANT to come home & since he doesn't I just feel like, what is wrong with ME?? why doesn't he want me? why isn't this hard for him? i am getting worse as time goes on, not better. I don't know what happened to me. I never used to be like this. I used to be tough when I was in school. Now I just feel like everything in my life has been a failure thus far & I am overwhelmed by the emptiness of my future. I don't know what to do next -- i should go to school maybe, but for what?? I don't know how to proceed and every day goes by, I make no progress, i just try to survive & then I just feel worse because nothing has changed. Nothing ever will. I just want to be done now. ilse, you give such great advice. I've been wanting to redecorate my apt, but it's like everything else -- i just don't care. I can't make myself do anything. My mind says "what difference will that make?" I'd rather just stay in bed, even though I know if i could get up the motivation, i would feel better. It doesn't work, I can't do anything right now. i don't know what to do anymore. I want things to be like they were, i can't be happy like this i just don't know how after what i used to have.

I just can't think of any reason to keep living. I don't care anymore. I ruined everything, I ruined the relationship that I loved, I lost my love. I have nothing to look forward to, I don't even know what I want to do with my life anyway, I haven't ever known. I'm totally, completely lost. And he is doing better than ever, probably in love and so glad to be away from me. I don't even feel like me anymore -- I feel like a shell of a person, I feel like I can't even believe this is my life. I know no one will ever love me like he did. I don't know when he stopped, or why he keeps saying he wants to come home and then changing his mind. I'm so wrecked. What is wrong with me? I know it's pathetic to feel like this, but it isn't just that he's gone -- it's that he is gone, I have no career, no money, nothing to look forward to -- no one to cook with, no one to go to movies with, kiss, love....i can't believe this is real. Time has not helped me, i have been getting worse and worse...maybe because he keeps saying he will come home and never does. i think all i do is bring sadness to people & I should just get out of this world now.

Hi everyone. I'm having a really hard time making it through each day, and each day the suicidal thoughts get more and more prevalent. I really don't feel like I care what happens to me anymore. My fiance of 6 yrs left me 6 months ago with a letter. He was doing coke behind my back for about 9 months, I guess. Since the breakup, he has been in and out of my life, sometimes being cruel, sometimes being normal and telling me he wants to come home -- then he'll drop off the face of the earth again. This last blow has hurt the worst -- he told me he wanted to come home & I was the love of his life & he would do anything to get me back. then 2 weeks later I meet up with him to talk (i think we are going to try and work things out) & he tells me after an hour of talking that he has started dating a woman who is trying to stay clean & that she "understands" him & that things are so "light and easy" with her and with me they are always so "hard." I feel like everything is my fault now, that I made him leave me, that I made him do coke because I was depressed and he wasn't happy with me (not nearly like I am now, but still...i did cry a lot). I have no idea what I'm doing with my life -- my degree is in theatre, have had no desire to pursue it, I am only interested in artistic things & don't want some desk / office job....but that makes life nearly impossible. I don't know how to make it work. I take classes, learning guitar, going to therapy, going out, tried to date and that fell apart too, I don't know what else to do. I have no hope. I feel I have no will to make any major changes, either (like going back to school, or whatever). He was the absolute love of my life. I feel like I have nothing to live for, really. I don't care what happens to me & I don't see anything positive in my future. I don't believe I will meet someone better because all I see are people struggling to meet others & having no luck. I used to be one of those people who was so in love -- we had the love everyone wanted to have, I thought we were great -- and I thought, well at least if nothing else, I have this true love. Now he is with someone else and I am totally alone and I only want him. He has slept with 5 people since leaving me 6 months ago (that I know of, could be more). I can't understand. I can barely even function. Now I feel like he is great, cooking, going to movies with her -- all of the things that I miss so deeply. It's killing me. I don't want to go on. I don't want to kill myself because of my dad, I know he loves me. But it isn't enough anymore. my future to me looks like years of waiting tables and coming home alone. I can't eat properly, I don't want to do anything anymore. It's just a huge mess and all I can think of is what I had, how much regret I have that I wasn't good enough, and how I would give anything to fix it but now he won't let me. please help me I just can't go on.

When I have talked to him in the past, he makes me doubt that he really has a "problem." -- He has come to me when he is feeling low, wants to move home, get clean -- at those times, he says that his problem is "pretty bad" and that he was using almost daily. But the last time I saw him, he said I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion & that it really wasn't that bad, that it isn't what our breakup was about anyway. It just makes me wonder what is wrong with me & also makes me feel like he's pulling it together, while I sit in this mess. I know, logically, that it is better for me to not have any contact with him (in terms of my healing). I was doing better before we got back in touch. But the problem is that I can't see my life without him -- I WANT to talk to him, deep down i really still WANT him to come home and have it be how it was. I still don't even understand what went wrong since he wasn't communicating with me. I don't know how to stop myself from wanting these things or acting on them. I know I sound pathetic, but I hope I can voice what I'm really feeling here & not be judged. Because it is hard to deal with these feelings & I'm not proud of them. I wish I felt stronger. I'm trying so hard, but all I can think of is our life together. It was what I wanted -- I never wanted to date around or be with anyone else. I still don't. I miss cooking together and movies and spending time together....I just don't feel like I can function on a day - to -day basis right now. I'm going nuts.

I have a question: Has anyone out there lost the person they thought was their soulmate, and then later found a new love that was even better than the last? I have lost the person who I thought (and still think) was my true love. I'm still devastated, after 6 months. I don't know if I'm going to get over this. I also can't imagine where I would meet someone new. I'm not ready for another relationship by any means, but I do worry that I will never feel that spiritual connection again.

Dear Alonegirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm posting on your thread not because I have the answers, but because it sounds like you and I are going through very similar situations & I just want to let you know that someone else in this world is going through it with you, and understands. (you can read my posts if you want, i won't go into it here) The one thing I know, which I realize is easier said than done, is that having contact with them ONLY MAKES IT HARDER. so so so much harder, i can't stress it enough. We have been apart for 6 months; he started contacting me around Christmas saying he wanted to get clean & come home....I fell for it again & started thinking about it. I didn't even realize how much hope I was holding out for it again until he told me last week that he started seeing a fellow addict & was happy with her & "wanted to see where it went." Basically completely changed his mind overnight, yet another time. Once again, I allowed him to disrespect me & fool me & lie to me. It feels like the worst thing in the world, and it put me back miles in my healing. I don't know the way to ease the pain or to make yourself ok with not talking to him. I know how surreal that feels to have them completely out of your life. It's insane. However, we have to just come here & post, or call someone, or distract ourselves when we are feeling the urge to call. People like these men will continue to treat us with the same lack of respect if we continue to allow them to....people see us how we see ourselves. And if we keep contact with people who abuse us or make us feel low, we will never feel good about ourselves. It's a horrible cycle. I'm trying to work on my own self-esteem & making myself feel better about who I am -- it sounds cheesy, but affirmations really help. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, worthy of respect, intelligent...whatever. Write it down, even. Even if you don't believe it, fake it. Eventually it will become real to you. Another thing to do is to counteract every negative thought, every desperate thought with gratitude. Turn these thoughts around on themselves & instead try focusing on something you have that you are thankful for. Even if it's just "i'm thankful for this opportunity to grow & get stronger" -- sounds corny, but it really does help me. These are things my therapist suggested that have been of some help. Again, you'll see from my posts that I am still in bad shape, too. But I just wanted to share that the contact is only going to prolong your pain. It has for me & I wish I had never been sucked in again. I hope I don't ever go there again. PM me if you want -- we can keep each other from calling!