sonjam

I totally agree with bella here, runtome. They make you emotionally dependent on them, and when you leave (AND WELL DONE FOR DOING SO) then you start to feel lost and lonely, and you considder going back. IT takes awhile for you to feel strong enough again, especially to withstand their continual attacks on you to get back together (that really is all it is, all the nice words and promises are just another atack in disguise). Stay strong, talk to us, and KNOW you are so much better off without him, you are worth so much more, and you will soon feel better, and think ...."what was I thinking???"

No it is normal for you to feel angry and frightened. And cheated. You still have a long process to go through, in case the drugs help and he gets better... but if he doesn't then you have an even harder road to walk. It will not be forever... but it will take awhile. Get your dad to write letters that you can keep for your little brother to read when he gets older, on his birthdays etc... just in case, and make scrapbooks with him now, when he's feeling up to it. Talk about your life with him, talk about the past, and spend quality time with him. Try not to talk about death and when he won't be around anymore (besides the stuff that has to be said.) Build memories, and make his last days special.

Girl, I would advise against it. You have to remember, you cannot build your life on someone else's charity. Even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment, things can go wrong, then you will be 1. far from home 2. no job 3. no money 4. no friends. If you really have to make a move like this, first find a job, and a support structure over there, other than your gf. It's not good to be totally reliant on another person you have only been seeing for 4 months.

show your emotions, it's ok to grieve, and to be there for each other, if she doesn't see you showing emotions, she will learn from it that it is not ok, and that will be a big negative for her in her future!

oh, and another thing, give your hormones a little time to calm down, the time right after the baby's birth can be a very hormonal (depressing) time for you...

Ok, I thought about this for awhile, having been in the same position as you, but the other way around, this is what I came up with... There could be alot of reasons why your partner is feeling this way, and believe it or not, it might REALLY have nothing to do with the way you look, etc. A new baby is a lot of work for both parents, and a complete change of routine, in fact your whole life changes (as you well know). He might be having difficulty adjusting to it (as do you). Men just deal with things differently. I understand that this attitude of his makes you feel undesirable, ugly and worthless, but try and look at it differenty. If you look at it this way, the void will only get wider, and if he thinks nothing is wrong, well then he wont want to go to coucilling anyways right? I read alot, and one very good book says that you should sit and re-structure the way you approach this. You are obviously tired, and stressed, as well, but it needs to be initated from one of you, and since you are the one trying to solve the problem, lets start with you trying to initate stuff. How about making loving gestures like, leaving him thank you notes for the things he does (change nappies, make tea, take out the garbage, rub your back, mow the lawn, whatever), buy a ready made (nice) meal, heat it up and serve it at the dinner table, book movie tickets and get a baby sitter for one night, surprise him by running him a bath.. you get the idea? little things. It wil make you feel good, and it might make him feel better about the whole situation. I believe communication is paramount, but leave the sex talk for a few weeks, first get him to warm up again, and then slowly you two should get on the same wavelength again.... If he's suspicious of your behaviour, tell him it makes you feel good to do little things for him, that you understand that this was a big change for him too, and you want to make it easier. Believe me as a new mom I know you need all the help and support you can get, but sometimes you have to give a little too. and I don't know if you are aware of it, and if you even do it, but we tend to complain and moan alot about things, and every time you raise the subject, it feels like another attack on him. When you do feel like talking about it use "I" messages. For instance: I feel so overwelmed to have to ....... or I miss the times when we...... never say YOU never and YOU don't... they perceive that as an attack... Do you think this might help abit, are you willing to try it?

And confused you are!! What led you to believe she was a) a hooker, and b) responsible for your fathers death...having said that, are you sure you love this woman???

You must have felt really embarrased driving home in the car with her afterwards!! It is a case of they know it happens, but it is not something you want to see first hand, I mean I would be totally grossed out if I had to see my parents doing "it", but I know they do do it, otherwise I would not be here today!!

Oh Avman, I am so sorry... Time is not relevant when a person is grieving, and the fact that you only found out now, means she only died for you now. Having kids of my own, and having been in an abusive relationship, I feel it so much more. Make the little girls mother live through all of you that knew her, send photo's and letters, telling her about her mother, oh, I'm so sad, right now!! And yes, like hope said, spread the word, help even one soul to get out, and you made a difference in a lot of people's lives!! I will light a candle for her, her child and you tonight, you are in my thoughts.

Hey girl, this guy is only using you, and it sound to me like he's got a bit of emotional abuse going over there. It is the bestest plan ever to save some money, in secret, and plan your ESCAPE, because that is what it essentially is. Im sure you have friends or family in other towns, start talking to them by e-mail, or on the phone, build up relationships, it will assist you in planning where to go next, and they can help set you up in a new place. You deserve better, you have suffered hardships in your life, and you are a strong level headed person (I can tell from your posts). Don't let this guy stomp on your heart, just because you let him in. We all make mistakes in life, but make it better by learning from every one, don't berate yourself for letting him in in the first place, this kind of person is the most cunning of all crooks, but you can get out of it again... Good luck , and you are most most welcome to talk to us, we will listen, and held where we can!

Hey RayKay, I too pray for your mothers health to return, and for your happiness.

I agree, it was very wrong of him not to disclose this to you, and it is a good thing you are going for a checkup. I suppose that is now just another reason to feel angry, since it is already done.

Girl, you need a reality check. He's postponing his breakup with her, because even though he's telling you he hates her, he is still PHYSICALLY with her, and you are fulfilling his emotional needs (long distance). He's not going anywhere, and you are putting your life on hold for the promise of something that MIGHT happen, but highly unlikely. Can you see that too?

Yes, it is possible to hurt someoene badly enough for them never to want to talk to you again. It's absolutely great that you work so hard to acchieve the best, .... but then what. What are you working for, what are you going to do with your life, when you don't work anymore? People are social creatures, they need to interact, socialise, have friendships, love, companions. You are living a very unhealthy life! You should have a healthy balance between social and work life, and you really SHOULD have friends. What are you going to do if your parents are not there anymore?

Yes, I agree with maggie, if you did nothing wrong, and the breakup was not about her staying over, then you are clean of debt and guilt. Maybe in the end it is better for her to leave the relationship, even if she is not into it, it will still hurt, but she will get over it faster.

Why not talk to Joe? Hes your friend, and he's the one who's putting you in this situation in the first place! Tell him you are hearing rumours, and ask if they are true. Tell him you are worried that these rumours will reach Cindy's ears, and do damage if they are not true....

I too worry about the other child oorwullie, I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm saying the other child must be hurting too, and now her main interest is obviously this new love, and not the child. I think you should really try hard to get them together again. You and your sons are a family, and even though a single parent family can have a lot less hurt, and alot more love. Kids can give you the kind of love you need to heal your heart.

Girl, your parents had no right to say those things to you as a child. What were they thinking, nobody in their right mind can tell things like that and expect them not to keep scars. You are an ambitious girl, who will do very well in life, despite this (congratulations on your graduation!!) But you have a lot of pent up ANGER towards them. Dealing with this anger is very difficult when you try and do it alone. I suggest you read books on anger management, or go for a few sessions with a coucelor, or even go for an anger management class. The only reason I suggest you do this, is because anger can become an all consuming force and even with your doing so well, it will never go away by itself, you need to address it, deal with it and then let it go.

I don't believe in spanking. Rather try positive dicipline. The things you cited as things he does wrong, is NORMAL things kids do, and the don't do it to irritate you, it is mostly by accident (droping something) or because they are humans too, with needs and wants, and what is wrong with wanting something for yourself (I still feel whinny today when I can't have something I want) I believe (and I was spanked alot growing up) that corporal punishment teaches kids that it is ok for adults to hit kids, and that violence is ok. I believe to this day that is the reason I ended up in 2 x abusive relationships when I was younger. POSITIVE DICIPLINE works far better. The first thing you have to do is to put yourself in the child's shoes. If you look at stuff from their point of view, keeping in mind they are people too, with feelings, pride, wants and needs, you will see things in a different way. Never ever act on anger. First cool off, and then decide what to do. POSITIVE time outs work great, explain to the child why he is being removed from the situation, and that when he feels better, he will be allowed to join again, and then it would be fun for all. Always remember Dicipline is not to punish, it means to TEACH. If you want you can chat about specific things he does that you don't know how to handle, and maybe we could help out with ideas on how to teach him better ways of dealing with his feelings? I could write books on it, so talk, I would love to help!

Geex, I was thinking, "only in the movies" but this is even weirder than the movies! I feel really sorry for you and your dad, the best thing you can do now is to show him love and support ( but I know you already do that). Keep us posted, It would be great if she get's the punishment she deserves!

Girl I was 31 with my first baby, and up to then I never ever felt the need for wanting a child, no maternal instinct at all, I would not even pick a new baby up if offered to me by it's mother. I just said, no thanks Im not good with kids... Then I fell pregnant, and I worried about all kinds of things. Fortunately in our country the Medical Is great, I had an ultrasound EVERY time I went to see the doc, he did all the test, and scans, and she grew into a healthy baby. She was born with an emergency c-section, and was in ICU for the first 3 days of ther life, but she was fine afterwards, and she is the LOVE OF MY LIFE. I don't know how to explain to you, but that mothering instinct just kicks in when you hear her first cry, and now I feel like I was born to become a mother, it's what I have been waiting for all my life. I have so much more patience, and care and understanding than when I was in my 20's, I just wouldn't have been as good, some people mature and become better parents. It's just different with your own child, even if she had to have after effects of the initial drama, I would have loved her as much as I do now. It's different when you have your own child, they fill up your life in ways you can't imagine without them.

Well said Relationship coach, BBoy, support her in whatever SHE chooses to do, it' s not up to you to decide her road and destiny. Maybe you will only be in it for a little while, and maybe forever, but you cannot force it. The best thing to do is to LET HER DECIDE what is best for her.

First thing to do is to stay calm, and not to over react to any of them. Keep this to yourself until we can talk about it, and decide on the best way for you to address these fears. 1. YOur friend is definitely not the best type of friend to have, but who am I to judge you since I have friends that I've had for more than 10 years, that are not very nice people either.... So if you want to continue your friendship with her and her husband, you will have to play this very cool. 2. What I'm reading into her actions is either a - she's stupid in sending you the survey, if she's trying to keep it all a secret or b - she's intentionally trying to get your back up by playing at your husband, and c- she might be interested in getting it on with the both of you..... (since her husband is unwilling) 3.. Let's assume she's trying to see your reaction, and intentionally going after your husband (worst case scenario) What will you do to pevent this situation from escalating into the worst? OK, so you trust you hubby, but he will probably do something stupid with all the attention. Solution? Keep the two of them appart. I suggest you see a little less of this friend and her husband for awhile, until the situation cools off. Confrontation will definitely not do any good, since you have only empty accusations, and you could even be wrong about this, and then ruin relations. And then, I suggest you talk to you hubby in general, about what he thinks of her, and so on, (but don't mention that she's interested in him) Just test the water about her feeling towards her and her husband... that will probably put some persective on the situation, and enable you to better decide what to do. The thing NOT TO DO is have a fight, and start accusations. Talk some more if you like, we can all work through this with you! Good luck

Hey Girl, Yes, Maggie has a very valid point there - "CRY ABOUT IT" it's natures own release valve, and every time you cry, you are getting closer to healing. I want to assure you not all males are heartless like that, and it is most unfortunate that this happened with your first love, but you know what, maybe this had to happen so you will be able to meet the man of your dreams, your soulmate, the one. I'm sure you will feel better soon, one more thing you can do to feel better, is post here! Talk to us, we are all very willing to listen, and be a shoulder for you to cry on!

Sounds to me like he got a fright, realising all of a sudden there are PRIORITIES and RESPONSIBILITIES to being a husband and a parent. You are in quite a pickel, but you sound like a strong and level headed girl, you will make it through this. First things first, try and stall the divorce, and have the baby, how about you take action once all that is off your shoulders?