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sonjam

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Everything posted by sonjam

  1. sonjam
    Hi There Thank you for sharing your story with us! It is indeed a very sticky situation! This basically boils down to her relying on you, her family to bail her out of all the trouble she gets into. She probably is depressed to, it is a very big side effect from rehabilitation from drug abuse, and thus she must sometimes feel that she just can't get up to do the most basic things. Firstly, before getting into a screaming fight again, sit her down and talk to her using "I" statements. Something in these lines: I feel hurt when you.... Mom and I have a hard time coping....... We are worried about you....... I get angry when............ I struggle to understand......etc. Try to keep calm, screaming and yelling will only spiral the whole situation deeper into the abyss.
  2. sonjam
    Sheez Hemorage, I sure hope you are ok, please keep us updated, I'm very worried for you!
  3. sonjam
    She should be going to the doctor to be tested for sexual tampering, to lend credibility to her story. With hard evidence he will not be able to get away with it that easy, and anyway, you should not be worried about him loosing his job, he's a rubbish if he's sexually assulting his daughter, and deserve nothing better. But only if it is really happening. See what happens if you cry wolf?
  4. sonjam
    It's the hardest thing to face your fears, and I agree with the others that it's only now presenting itself to you as you are in a safe place, and your subconscious can open up. Just covering up these wounds make them fester. You need to scratch them open, let them bleed out and heal propperly. The only way to do that is to face it. If your therapist is unable to help you it might be because of several reasons: 1. She is not equipped to help 2. You run away from the problem every time you have to face it (like not wanting to write it down). If you cannot stand up to the problems, she cannot help you deal with them. Writing them down, makes them a reality, then you can learn how to get angry in a safe place, BE ANGRY and then let the anger go. Forgive yourself, and move on. That is typically what the therapist can help you do, but you have to help her by letting it out. Honey, I realise this is soooo big, you cannot deal with it all at once, but you should draw a timeline of your life, make notes about specific bad things you remember of that times, and then deal with it from a starting point (say from when you were two) then wait a few days, deal with the feelings, the emotions, the anger, and then when you feel better move on to the next age. Baby steps. I'm currently going through the same process. Mine was not half as bad as yours, but I carry alot of guilt, anger and self hate with me, for things that happened to me as a child, that I had no control over. The therapist I'm seeing is a hypnotherapist, and even though I have doubts about this kind of therapy, I realise it's just another way for them to try and get me to face the fear, let it out and deal with it. I'm working on my timeline right now, and let me tell you it's hard. It's depressing, but ultimately I give my co-operation, I cry, I rage, I hate, and I forgive. I believe that when I'm done, I will be rid of my depression episodes, social phobia that sometimes eats at me, and panic attacks. Believe in yourself, give it your all, even though it hurts, it's the only way. Feel free to talk here, and use this forum as the starting point to write about your feelings, you are safe here!
  5. sonjam
    First of all, stop tampering with it, or it won't go away. If it is just a bit red now, the swelling will go away real soon, and if it is just red then put some base over it, just match it to your skin tone exactly!
  6. sonjam
    LafilleTriste, the only problem for you is you moved from the one abuser (mom) to the next (husband). It happens because that is the way we are taught relationships work when we grow up in an abusive household. You have to break the cycle somewhere, believe in yourself and see you don't deserve the hand you are dealt. PittItaliano, it's all up to you to change the dynamic in your relationship. My husband went through the same thing, his dad beat him and his mother too. The one day his dad went off at his mom again and my HB just reached breaking point. He grabbed his dad's hand in mid air, and told him if he didn't back of now, he was going to get the beating of his life, that my HB is now grown up (same age as you) and this is not acceptable to him. His dad could not believe his ears, and was stunned. It changed the whole dynamic of the situation, and to this day he's never lifted a finger to one of them again.
  7. sonjam
    It will pass. You hit the nail on the head when you said the world suddenly got a whole lot bigger for you, it's not just your little life in a little town, the opportunities are endess. It could also have been triggered by the fact that the wonderfull holiday came to and end and now you have to get back to normal. It can be very depressing. But think of it in this way: from your small life in a small town you can grow and become something bigger, but to become something bigger, you have to pay attention to the smaller things, like your friends and your studdies. Do't worry about it. Try to get through it by thinking positive thoughts, it happens to me all the time, I get depressed for no reason, or I get depressed when something is brewing in my life. Sometimes it lasts for days and sometimes much much longer. But in the end I always get through it and the sun shines again in my life.
  8. sonjam
    The reason why he is still contacting you after all this time is simple, he gets a response from you. My ex was in the same situation you are in now when we first met, he was stalked by his psycho ex gf. On our first date they exhanged no less than 14 txt messages, in an hour! He was so busy telling her to get lost etc, he hardly had time to visit with me! I asked him if he's enjoying playing the game.... he was stunned. I told him that as long as he's a willing participant in returning the messages, calls, e-mails etc, she would never go away. He stopped that night, and it took a good 6 months more for her to completely go away, but she toned it down quite a bit, as she got no response from him WHATSOEVER. Try it, it works. You have no reason to have to live your life in fear. If he sends stuff, ignore it. If he calls you, don't pick up. If he hides his number put the phone down, DON'T SAY A WORD. JUST STOP PLAYING HIS GAME.
  9. sonjam
    He's definitely in the wrong, note down every remark he's said about the kids, with dates (in case you need them) and simply abide to your childrens wishes for them not to visit. Don't make a fuss over it, he doesn't want them there obviously anyway. Your only worry now, really is his own child. How about sending him a note and asking him not to say those type of words to the kids as it is damaging to their self esteem?
  10. sonjam
    Oh Joe, I'm so very sorry to hear about your son. The distance between you doesn't mean that you loved him any less, and that he loved you any less. In my opinion it just makes it so much harder. The pain will never go away, but eventually you will learn to live with it, and it gets easier. It is also my biggest fear, to loose my child, but alas they are just on loan to us until their father in heaven calls them back. We have to love them, cherish them and keep them until he calls them back. You will be re-united with him one day, but until then, carry his love in your heart. Plant a tree in your garden, and care for it. It will be a great remembrance of him, and it will give you something to focus on that is ALIVE. His memory. Post any time you need to talk, and nobody expects you to let it go. We are here to support you and help you through it.
  11. sonjam
    Hi vcubi, We havn't heard from you in awhile, and i'm very worried that you and the kids are ok. Please let us know!
  12. sonjam

    Torn

    sonjam replied to hope888's topic in Abuse and Violence

    All this guy did was break down your self esteem. If you start working on that, you will soon feel like a girl on top of the world again, which is what you are, but you have a warped sense of self, due to his opinion. Stop believing everything he tells you, start telling yourself that you are smart, funny, pretty (even if you don't believe yourself at first) affirmations of yourself can make a world of difference. The less you let him affect you with the things he says, the stronger you will feel to get out
  13. sonjam
    Hey It's always a pleasure, talking to someone in the same situation. I too find it a big challenge to respond to my toddlers needs, in a healthy way, not to get upset and angered, but to understand. Sometimes it's hard after a full day's word to come home to a grumpy toddler!! Eventually they will grow up though (I hope)!!
  14. sonjam
    It should not be too hard, if you make a clear rule to all the kids caregivers/teachers etc. that NOBODY but you or hubby will have contact with your kids without your permission it will be very hard for her to keep contact. You seriously won't have to break it forever, just until they get the message.
  15. sonjam
    Take your child to a play therapist. They work wonders with kids, identify problems and help fix it. There is nothing wrong with your child, he's just having a hard time dealing with issues and emotions and I'm very sure some of it relates to him not having his dad around. Nothing of this is your fault, he just needs to learn how to express his anger, feelings and worries. A play therapist is the best thing for your child!
  16. sonjam
    Girl, don't go into an axiety attack. You are fine, what you are doing is fine, and now you are letting them get to you again via your mother. If it is necessary for you to distance yourself from her for awhile to let her get the point, then that must be done. Tell your mom that if she wants to talk about "so and so" and why you don't want them to see you, then you don't really have time for the conversation. If she is able to call you and not talk about them, then you will be glad to hear from her.
  17. sonjam
    Oh, the biggest part of it it frustration, and autonomy. The language is not developed enough that they can express their feelings and emotions, and they realise they are separate from us. I think it will be better by about 4 years. The people that say it lasts for years probably did not treat the child right from the beginning, so the frustration just got worse, and the demands more.
  18. sonjam
    I really hope you take the advice given here seriously, I fear for you and your children's safety. I will pray for you for strenth and to find a way out. Alot of us did it and we got out safe on the other side, I know you can do it too.
  19. sonjam
    Melrich gave you the best advice. I'm mommy to a 2.5 year old and I too, have a hard time dealing with this phase. I know that they are starting to become their own little person, and start realising that they are not part of you anymore, so I always try to give her choices, but ONLY CHOICES ACCEPTABLE TO ME. For instance. After a bath I might ask: do want to wear the blue or the pink socks? (my husband got it a bit wrong at first and asked her if she wanted to wear socks or not.... ) You see that is not an option. Only the COLOUR is an option. These days she does the same thing at bath time. She refuses to be washed. My hubby has alot of patience in this regard, since it is his job to bathe her. He asks her which limb they will wash first her left or right hand, or leg or whatever. She then focussus so much on choosing the particular limb, that she forgets she didn't want to be washed in the first place. If your child does however insist on things that he's not allowed to choose, why not simply remove the "temptation" from the room, be loving but firm about it. I would say something like "I know you really wanted that fan on/off but right now you need to sleep, and when you are finished sleeping we can go and do something really fun." Be sympathetic to their needs, but don't let them shunt you around on a whim, it means they are really in charge, not you... you are in the end still the parent and the grownup.
  20. sonjam
    Hallo and Welcome to enot! I read your sad sad story, and I have to say that I would advise you against giving everything up for a probable rejection on his part, as he is already rejecting you as it is! Since you really already have your life set up, and have been without him for so long, it should really not be that difficult living without him in your life. I know you still feel love for him, but isn't it just clinging to the familliar, and putting your own life on hold??
  21. sonjam
    Scott, I remember you posts not so long ago about your worries and concerns, about the state of her body, and wanting to flaunt it all over the show. I remember that you were quite uncomfortable with it at the time. It sounds like you worked out the problems. I hope you are sure that this is not just something you make yourself believe in order to keep her.
  22. sonjam

    Poem

    sonjam replied to Eto's topic in Suicide & Self-Harm

    ETO, I suffer from depression, but lucky for me I only get bouts of it every now and agian, and reading your poem, and your responses I could feel the familiar heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's almost like you verbalise some of my thoughts when I'm in that endless dark pit. Are you on meds for depression? But meds will not solve everything. It just helps to cope while you get the ROOT of the problem sorted out. Self therapy will probably not help either, for the sole reason that you are so absorbed in yourself that you would not be able to see the real cause of this - only somebody from the outside looking in will be able to see. I know you said you find temporary relief in drugs, but the aftermath of those is deeper and darker depression. It's a vicious cycle. I've also been to see countless therapists in my life, some helped a bit, some did nothing for me. But you know what, I keep on looking, and everytime I go to somebody that helps alittle I find myself looking for exuses for not going anymore. It's almost like I'm too scared to be analized and diagnosed. BUT everytime they get alittle closer and a little deeper, I remember what they said, and I get one step closer to coping with my life. Don't give up on yours. You have a lot to give, the social phobia you feel right now is a direct result of the depression you are in.
  23. sonjam
    Thanks RayKay, for sharing.
  24. sonjam
    hemorrhoids was also the first thing that came to mind when I read your posts. You can get preparations over the counter at the pharmacy to treat those, but only if the blood is bright red, like AVMAN said. If you still worry that it is something more serious, rather have it checked out. Rather be safe than sorry. I know it is terribly imbarrasing, but worse things can happen, trust me.
  25. sonjam
    Well, when all is said and done I want to congratulate you on keeping the new life in your womb, despite pressure from him. YOu are in the end not bound to him legally in any way, so that makes the baby all yours. If you want and need you can ask for financial support, but the baby should be registered in your name, and in my opinion you have to start looking forward. Carry on with your own life, and cut him out of it. He does not deserve to be in it, he has another family to take care of. If you really have no agenda's with the baby, then break all ties with him, he's not going to change his view, and hes not going to tell his wife. There is nothing left for you in that affair.
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