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sonjam

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Everything posted by sonjam

  1. sonjam
    I would say, sit her down and talk to her, tell her you are behind her all the way, prepared to help support and stand by her AS LONG AS she takes a drug test. If it is positive, well then you know she is lying, and if she refuses, then she is probably lying too. If she agrees to it, she's probably trying to get clean. You don't necessarily have to go through with the test, but tell her you are.
  2. sonjam
    Girl, it sounds to me like the Ex had a hold on you in a co-dependent sort of way, and after seeing him it returned to some extent - hence the "need" to keep contact with him, and trying to convince him you are not as bad as he seems to think. It's not healthy, and it's definitely not advisable to keep contact with him in any way. Do you really want to harm your family and your good realtionship with hubby by doing this? The ex will ruin your life, again. And you will be left with nothing. My advice to you is - FORGIVE YOURSELF, forgive him, and just let it go.
  3. sonjam
    My only question is: Why does she still have the chequebook?? If I were you I would give her an allowance, and keep the checquebook. She has proven herself to be unreliable to deal with money, and for that reason (since it is your money after all) you should not let her have access to more than you are prepared to let her spend (an allowance).
  4. sonjam
    I will do this, I worry about you, are you ok? Stay strong girl, you will get through this!
  5. sonjam
    Hi Texanman... Tollerance.. That is the next lesson you should teach your son. The world is full of very diverse people, with diverse beliefs and opinions, everybody can never conform to what we believe is "right". Of course your son has the right to his opinion, but so does the other kids. It is very sad that he had to get off on the wrong foot with these guys, and that the violence happened because of it. If I were in your shoes I would have a talk to my son about tolerating other peoples right to expression. It will make the world a better place for him to live in.
  6. sonjam
    I divorced my highschool sweetheart when I was just 23, we got married at 20 after a courtship of 6 years. It took me a good 2 years to get over the feelings of failure, and heartache of a cheating spouse. I only got married to my second husband in 2004 - that is a good 11 years later, and only because I was going to have my first child. I still feel the after effects of the divorce to this day, even though I never had any contact with the ex after the divorce. It scars you but also, it makes you a wiser and better person.
  7. sonjam
    The only way you are going to get away with it this time, and not go back like the coutless times before, is to simply IGNORE HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He get's to you because he is persistent, and he knows how to push your buttons until you give in. He's done it too many times before to not know how. Ive been in the same situation as you, but mine lasted 2 years, and coutless others have the same horrifying tale to tell. You have to set your resolve, decide IT'S OVER, and make sure everybody around you knows it. Tell the school office to screen your calls, and to block him, no matter how urgent it is!!! Tell your friends and family (even if you think they won't believe you) and ask for their help. It will only force you too, to try and stay away from him in your moments of weakness. Rather call one of them, than calling or answering a call from him. DON'T get into arguments about anything with him, he always wins because you always give in. Simply ignore his calls, his texts and mails. Ignore his banging on the door. - call the cops, even if you have to call them 7 x 7 times. They WILL eventually realise you and your kids are in danger. By simply IGNORING him you are giving him NO CONTROL and eventually you will break free of his hold on you. DON'T EVEN REPLY TO HIS requests with a NO, SIMPLY DON'T REPLY. Believe me when I tell you this, it's the only way. Get somebody, a friend to come and stay with you on some nights of the week, to be safer. And I feel very sorry for you kids, the way they think a relationship between a man and a woman should be is very warped by all this, and it's not something you should every put yourself or them through!! PLEASE STAY STRONG AND GET OUT!! Pm me any time if you need help or somebody to talk to!
  8. sonjam
    YOu know, the great part is you already got to try out the "parenting" of your wife's other child. She already had one. So I think not wanting to raise another one not unrealistic from your part, I too think she is suffering from the "empty Nest" syndrome. But I must admit, the female biological clock can make us a bit irrational sometimes........ (maybe she will escape that bit) I desperately want another child, mine is almost 3, and I'm infertile. So we've been through alot of infertility drugs etc. Anyway, people tell me, at least you have one already, but you know, it's just not the same..... I hope you can escape that trap!! Is she at home, or is she a career woman? I find if I fill up my time with things I have an intrest in (like planning trips, or spending time with hobbies and charity funtions) I don't have time wondering and obsessing about more kids, and before you know it, time flew by and another year gone!
  9. sonjam
    Good for you in taking the very first step in getting him out of your life. Now you are going to have to back it up with your actions, to really get the message accross. He's going to push your limits to see if you are serious. A guy like this doesn't just give up. And it is not because he loves you, it's because he's loosing control over you, and he doesn't like it. YOU KNOW he's going to beg, plead, be a sweetie, buy gifts etc, until you fall for it again, and then ONCE AGAIN turn into a monster. He always does! They all do it! So for you to truly break free, don't take his calls, don't reply to his advaces, stay clear from him for awhile. Maybe only send him an email about contact arrangements with your child and ignore all other small talk. If you receive any unrelated contact from him, don't respond to it, don't reply to any remarks/questions/observations from him that is not related to your child. Ignore it, and ask, "is there anything else regarding "insert your childs nanme" that you want to discuss? If not, then this conversation is over. Be prepared for him to get mean to you, and manipulate you via your child if he cannot break your new Shell.
  10. sonjam
    I bought a book a long time ago called "Kids parents and power struggles" What a great book, maybe you could start by getting a book like this, and trying some of the suggestions at home for communicating in a more productive way with your child. It works for me, since I don't really have a good frame of reference from when I grew up, the relationship between me and my mom were strained when I was young, and besides she didn't really know what she was doing, she was only a child herself! So today I try getting informed on the best practices, and try to use them raising my own child, and I have to say, it's working wonders in building her self esteem, trust and communication. The biggest plus is putting her in touch of her own emotions, being able to recognise them for what they are, and dealing with them in a productive way! Small example: My little girl was taking a bath and wanted to play with the body wash, squirting it into the bath. I told her no, she cannot play with it. She started crying to get me to give her some, and I still refused. Then with a very sad face, she told me "Im very sad!" I told her "I can see you are very sad because I don't want to give you the soap, but it is very expensive and we cannot waste it all in one day." She turned around and happily found something else to play with in the bath. Small example, dealing with a small child, but later in life this helps you TREMENDOUSLY. It is not too late to start this type of thing with a teenager, you will just have to practice the way of doing it, and be persistent in your approach. Im sure you will do just fine, and communicate better with her in no time.
  11. sonjam
    He's nasty, manipulative, and spitefull. He verbally and mentally abuses you and your child. You've tried before to "break it to him gently" and it didn't work out too well. I know you hate confrontation, and I agree sometimes it's not the best way, but for you to be able to break free from this prison you are in, you will have to be firm, and have the resolve and conviction that it is OVER. Saying things like "I will care for him forever if it was not for this or that...." is not going to be helpful to you at all girl! Only when you really really know in your heart that you CANNOT and WILL NOT deal with this guy anymore, and it suppresses all the other feelings of longing and wanting him, then you will have the strenth and resolve to do this. If not, he will see right through you, and play on all the soft spots he knows will get a reaction from you. Besides being manipulative, he knows exactly what pushes your buttons, and he will use it! I honestly think once you reach that stage, you will know how to do it, and what to tell him, and he will have no choice but to believe you.
  12. sonjam
    Hi there and welcome back. I see that you have moved forward again, and feel strong enough to "leave"? Let's get down to basics, is he living with you, are you "dating"? If not, it can be alot easier to get rid of the ex, but if you are, it complicates things abit!
  13. sonjam
    So mathematically, you should give it another two weeks or so before he will REALLY SMILE AT YOU! Not just for gas, but in the mean time enjoy all the little gurgles, and googles, they are so cute when they are little babies.!!
  14. sonjam
    Hi Penny I was a horrible teenager when I was 13, every parent's worst nightmare. My parents also divorced when I was little. It is SO TRUE what Itsallgrand said about her wanting you to take charge and be strong. It is really what she is crying out for, but as a 13 year old she has no idea on how to deal with her feelings of anger and rejection (from her dad). You need to LEARN how to help her deal with it in more positive ways. To do that, you will have to learn a few good parenting strategies. How about attending parenting classes or at least family counciling? I'm not saying you are an incompetent parent, but obviously you guys need some help in dealing with anger issues. I'm not taking her side but she is simply reacting to the situation in the only way she knows how - with anger and resentment
  15. sonjam
    I totally agree with Melrich on this one. Before becoming a parent, I didn't even want to touch other peoples babies, I had absolutely NO maternal instinct - whatsoever! I go annoyed with kids making a noise, running around and messing on things. Eventually when I turned 31, I fell pregnant, by accident (I was told I was infertile from an early age). That was a magic switch for me. My husband and I also travelled, and still do (baby stays at home with the nanny and close family) ovbiously we don't travel every other month, only about once a year, but that is ok for me. I did not give up my dreams and my life, my child is only enriching it. To be honest, I still don't really like other peoples kids (I was in a prior relationship with a guy with a child from a previous marraige too) but I now have a bigger tollerance for them. I'm not saying have a child, it will flip your switch, what I'm saying is the reasons you are citing for NOT having one, might not be that strong....
  16. sonjam
    I think the best thing to do is talk to her, by the way, does she know you are L? Or is this just a one time crush thing?
  17. sonjam
    i TOTALLY DISAGREE with just putting it behind you. I was in EXACTLY you situation when I was your age, when reading your post it was almost like you were talking about me. Years later I was still dealing with ANGER, SOCIAL DISFUNCTION AND LOW SELF ESTEEM, and that is because I tried to put it behind me, instead of dealing with it. Things happen to us. We cannot choose our parents and most of the things that happen to us a kids. But what we can do is deal with the anger, vent it, and chanel it into positive ways, open up the sores that won't heal, get all the rot out, and then it will heal into a scar that fades away. Girly you have been through so much in your life. And I can see you feel neglected, and alone. The worst part is even if you see and identify it now - the "little girl" in you still feel the pain, and doesn't understand why it happened to her. You need to find a way to start facing the demons, deal with the anger and the other issues, and make peace with who you are. It's hard, but I believe in you, and I know you can do it. Get professional help if you can, call the hotline, but before you do, write down what you want to tell them, so that when they answer, you will know what to say. Make sure you write down all the important and even the not so important stuff. And of course, it helps to talk to us. Feel free to PM with me, or talk on the boards about these things. Alot of us have been there and can help, even if it is just by listening and offering advice. Im 34 years old now, with a family of my own, and only recently have I been able to let go of the anger at my mom, ( I saw a hypnotherapyst) but I could have dealt with it so much sooner If I saw the problems (like you do now)!!
  18. sonjam
    Hi there Deciding to let go is the easy part, actually taking the stuff and giving it away is a totally different story! I lost my B/f a few years back to an accident, we lived together and I simply didn't move any of his things in our house for the first 6 mohts (appart from opening his cuboard to smell his shirts). I eventually took the decision to move his stuff out, since I knew i was not making any progress in letting him go, and called a friend. She unpacked his cuboards etc, into boxes, I cried in the lounge. If I didn't get her to help, things would still be the same till this day! I guess what I want to say is, get somebody you feel close to to help you take her things to people who really need them. It will give you emotional support, and you will be helping others in need. I'm sure she would have wanted it.
  19. sonjam
    Hi Chris, and welcome to enotalone. Years ago what brought me here too, was loosing my boyfriend to a motorbike accident. I know what you are going through. Frankly feeling like everyting is still unreal is perfectly normal right now. In time you will cry, and process the grief. The first few days is just numb and you feel like you are in a trance. That is the way our own boddies protect us from the big shock of loosing a loved one. Little by little the sadness and grief will come, and consume you, and then it will abide and you will feel numb again for a little while. It is the way it works. Im so sorry you had to loose her, and I know the good ones always goes first. Go to her funeral, visit the grave often, go there to talk to her, to be close to her, and eventually it will help you to say goodbye and maybe later, look up and see the sun shining again. But for now be gentle on yourself, you still have a lot to go through. If you feel like talking feel free to pm me, or write on the boards. We are all here to help carry your burden.
  20. sonjam
    I think it is in very bad taste to give somebody a present and not follow through, but you know, in the end a present is not a MUST, so stop haunting her about it, go and get your software and get on with your life. These things happen, it is not a priority in her life, and it is in yours. If you hang on to this it could escalate into a problem in your relationship with her. Is a present really worth the trouble?
  21. sonjam
    Hey girl, just the fact that you actually care and worry about these things means that the fight is 90% won from your side. WANTING to be a better person, a better parent and having the "wolverine instince" to protect your offspring will put you in the driver seat of all your fears. YOU WILL BE JUST FINE. Im sure you were worried about your family dynamic when your second child was born too, and that worked out just fine didn't it?
  22. sonjam
    congratulations on taking the big step in getting married. Your child really only needs lots of love and good care. I believe you can provide this to him and now a father and a stable home. You will be just fine. And anyway, we are here to help with all your day to day parenting problems, feel free to ask about nappies, fevers, bathtime troubles etc any time you feel the need!
  23. sonjam
    FoxLocke, what a heartfelt honest and moving post. Thank you for sharing it with us, and congratulations for the person you have become - standing up for who you are, a great person worthy of love and acceptance.
  24. sonjam
    Hi there Parents are very attached to their kids, but nothing should make them happier than to see him happy. Even if it is far from them. It was bound to happen sooner or later huh? As for the telling them, I think it would be wise for him to discuss it with them alone first, and then as a going away dinner, you can join and start sharing the details with them. After all it is between him and his parents, even though you are his gf, you are not family (sorry if I hurt your feelings)
  25. sonjam
    I can totally relate to how you feel, but having moved out of my mom's house (also stayed with my gran for awhile) when I was 18, I can tell you it's not all moonsine and roses like it seems when you are planning it. I must admit owning your own car wil help a great deal, but there are so many responsibilities that you don't realise before moving out, that you need to have a strong relationship, be very level headed, and in a good position to support yourself, before taking a step like this, are you really ready?
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