donnomo

I was the only father he had until recently. He just turned 12 and as much as I like how he is now developing some independent thought, I'm sure its also why he has such an interest in his dad now. It hurt more then I can express, but he has a right to get to know the man, and hopefully realize what his mother realized years ago. For the first time he living with this father and we are the weekend warriors. I don't want to dwell on this situation because its a stray of the topic slightly, but there is an upside to the situation. For years the boy would visit his dad a few weeks a year (if even, 0 phone calls until a week before the visit btw), during that time his old man would spoil the crap out of him, take him places, and generally offer a situation with out rules. Mean while we are at home busting our butts to pay for his food, clothes, school, doing homework, enforcing bed times, etc. Scraping to get by. Now the roles are reversed, we get to have all the fun, spoil the crap out of him and let him run wild. It's actually pretty nice to be "the fun ones" for a change. We would go back to being the "mean ones" in a heartbeat however. Correct, no worries there.

I don't fault my wife or feel betrayed by her newly found desire to have a baby. I was a but surprised, but I know people change. I feel there are several factors contributing to this decision. Most of which have already been mentioned. Our marriage followed only a year or so of friendship and an even shorter courtship. I would imagine we both had our doubts through the first few years, and only in the last few years has our relationship matured to that comfortable safe place where kids are (well should be) a real option. That coupled with our son not living with us for the first time, and of course biology, is what is really spuring on this desire. "I think investing in her and showing her daily that you really want more time to share with her and explore the world together will help ease her disappointment." Seems to be some really solid advice. Despite the title, this isn't a me vs her situation, but more me figuring out a way to help her resign to the fact this is not what I want and probably will never want.

Thanks for the replys. It has given me a lot to think about. Of everything I heard... You need to make your final decision on this and make it clear to your wife it is your final decision. She then needs to make her decisions. ...hit home the most believe it or not. I need to be firm in my conviction (whatever those might be) and not even hint at a mixed signal. I can't imagine she would leave me, after all it's not a baby she wants but a baby with me, or so she says, but I guess that is something I need to be prepared for. I believe you all when you say that your child has change your lives, I'm sure it would change mine, I just dont think it could overcome the lasting since of "oportunity cost" I would experiance. Despite wanting to lasso the moon for my wife, so to speak, I just don't think I could make myself embrace this. In truth, I'm sure there are many kids needing foster parent, foreign kids needing a place to stay for opportations/rehab, and even more kids just needing a safe friendly neighborhood yard to play in. All roles I would love to take on, best of all, it's a hat I wouldn't have to wear for 18 years. Thanks again for the great suggestions.

Great suggestion. I know a decision like this would never be made on a pros and cons chart, but it might be nice to help develop a bit of middle ground.

Holy cow, thanks for all the responses and so swift! OK let me take this top to bottom... southerngirl - I guess the problem with a compromise is that even one child is an 18 year commitment. As for travel specifically, there are many places I like to go (and hope to go) that I just would not feel safe taking a family. Specifially a baby. I often worry over my own (and my wifes) safety. That doesn't mean that one shouldn't visit, it just mean you should know the risk before you take such chances. It wouldn't be fair to put a baby at risk. Meow18 - ok backwards first. Until this summer, my stepson lived with us. Its been a hard transition but we felt he should finally (after years of little to no contact) have an opportunity to get to know his father. I feel this is one of the reasons this has become a bigger issue the last few months. I'm sure there is some empty nest syndrome going on. The relationship is solid though, a bit rough as with any pre-teen, but I feel we have a good open relationship. To address your other comments, I guess its that we have finally reached a point in our lives where we are not all comsumed with one thing or another. The bank account is growing, the thesis wounds are healing, the house is still standing...you get the idea. We are shucking our responsibilities, not taking no new ones! belmontboy - is it really aweful, or are we all just more exposed to the truths now, being constantly bombarded by CNN, FOX, MSNBC, streaming radio, etc? DN - thanks for your words, I hope it doesn't come to that, I don't know if I would have the power to give up my wife if it came to such a decision, but your wisdom seems right on. Baby Carrot - I agree, and I don't think it would ever come to "Give me a baby or I'll be miserable and it'll be all your fault" but I would be a robot to not notice the change in her behavior since the subject has come up. It sure is interesting about "product of this society's fetish for children". It really blows my mind how reporductive-centric we are as a society. Even as nature lashes back we still feel the need to push. Biology is a tough foe indeeed. NJRon - A little of both. There are things I want to do that my wife just wouldn't be interested in. For instance, I would love to motorcycle Mexico. I doubt she would like to spend more then a couple hours on a bike. On the other hand we would both like (and have planned) to do a peace corps tour when the boy heads off to college. Thanks again for all your responses, its more then I expected. Pardon the typos.

Hello, this is my first post here. I hope I've a found a place for some answers. I saw a similar discussion on another thread and thought you all might offer some good insight into my problem. My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We are happy although we have our arguments now and then, normal, you know. Before we were married she had a failed marriage resulting from an unplanned pregnancy. We discussed children and agreed neither of us wanted anymore kids (I have none, she has the one). I don't know if its biology or her realizing our marriage is really working, or just becoming comfortable, she has now changed her mind. She desperately wants a baby with me. I however, am still uninterested. I don't feel the biology pull, I don't have the desire to create a baby me, I don't feel I need to pass my name on, I don't feel this world needs another child, even one loved and provided for, there is still so much I want to do that I baby would not allow for. Things to buy, people to meet, places to go. Although I'm sure we would be adventurous parents, I know we would not have the same freedoms we do now. I would never consider taking a child to the places I NEED to see before I die, Egypt, Haiti, India. We have a wonderful marriage and life together, but now there is sadness upon us. She is sad because she will not have the baby she wants so badly, and I'm said that I have finally found something I am not willing to give her. I find myself wanting to give in so badly, not because I want a child, but simply because I want to make her happy, which she really does deserve. I don't know what to do. Lots of people say they never knew happiness until they had kids, and they didn't know they wanted kids until they laid eyes on their baby, but I don't really feel that's me. I'm the jerk who is annoyed by the kids running around the restaurant. Is there really a magic switch that is flipped when your baby is born? Can you really forget your dreams, and let the resentment go when it happens? Am I being selfish, or realistic? My wife knows all of this, its not like we haven't talked, we are just at an impass. I know we will continue to love each other and be happy either way, I just don't know who will feel worse, her for not having a baby with me, or me for having a baby with her. Any insight?