sonjam

Paisley, about the bath thing, they mainly don't like to be exposed (naked) at that age, so I suggest you wrap him in a cloth nappy, and while wrapped submerge him up to his chest in the water. While submerged start removing the nappy over the parts you want to wash. Always try to put a face cloth on his tummy - that is the part they hate to have exposed the most. _ try it and let me know if it helps!

Mayfair, welcome back hun. Are you ok, is he still history, how are you feeling? I've been really worried about you!

I know how desperately you wanted him to improve, to change, to be better. We all do.And I know you had to go through this too so you could see for yourself there is nothing normal or healthy about him. He will always want to be in control, and Mr Hyde is woven too tightly into mr Jekyll for them to ever be two different people. It will always be that way. Some of us find the strenth to leave and stay away sooner, others know they need to leave but can't find the strenth in them to do so for awhile yet. We understand and support you, and we will be here when you are finally ready to let go. It is the hardest thing in the world, to let go of your abuser, who has you convinced that you are nothing without them, that you will not be able to survive, and that they will not let you go. The manipulation is the worst, the begging, crying, promisses, love etc. It is not an easy decision. You have to resolve and harden your heart, look to your own future and be determined. Plan and plot it, and stick to the plan. Eventually we all see they cannot understand logic, so trying to make them see WHY is like trying to get blood from a stone. NEGOTIATION is not on the cards. I hope you find your strenth soon, if you need any help with planning or making your resolve stronger, we are here to help you through!

Ok, Blink, how about an udate, it's Monday, any word on the bloodwork yet?

Chloe, BRAVO for sticking to your resolve to force this guy out of your life for good. He will probably try to contact you in these 3 weeks to try and convince you to drop the charges, OR he will finally realise you mean business, and leave you be. Don't relax on your security, and stay strong, the end is near, and you have come so far! I'm really very proud of you!!

I've been dreading my next therapist appointments, because as you all know it is very hard to talk about things that hurt, and sometimes we are not sure WHY we hurt, we just do. But I stick to the plan and I went back yesterday. WHAT A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE! For this session the therapist let me imagine soft rain falling. I could hear, see and smell the rain. I was in a hut in the mountains, wrapped in a soft woolen blanket, in front of a fire place, and I was safe and happy. When I could visualize all these things around me, he asked me to have a look in the library room of my life, where all the chapters of my life is stored neatly in shelves, from my birth, my toddler years, primary school, high school, student years, marriage etc. Some of these books were stored neatly on the shelves but others were just shoved in there, and some were lying scattered on the floor. He asked me to take a look to see which books lay scattered on the floor and If I felt like cleaning up some of it. I browsed around and thought my rebellious teenage years were quite a mess! He asked If I gave the teenager girl in me some love and attention sometimes. I said I tried but she was very unlovable. He asked why, and I told him she's upset about being sent to boarding school, and didn't enjoy it there, she rebelled. All of a sudden telling him this triggered a very old memory – I was sent to boarding school for one semester of my school year when I was in grade 1, just 7 years old! My emotional dam wall broke and the tears came pouring out as I realized I was SO ANGRY at my mom for sending me away! She abandoned me, her little girl, and I was so sad, so angry and felt so rejected. I cried and talked about missing her, calling her from the payphone and telling her to come and fetch me every afternoon after school. I was absolutely miserable. You see I grew up without a dad until then, and only had my mom - my security, my only parent and I thought I must have been bad because she sent me away. I was lucky in that she sent my brother there too, he is a year older than me, but they split us into different groups (boys and girls) so I only got to see him when we called mommy to come and get us. At this point the therapist said he could se I carry so much anger around with me, that we had to deal with that first. In my imagination I had to leave the hut, and walk through the forest and up a high hill. On top of the hill I found a few boulders some big ones and a few smaller ones. The boulders represented anger and I could clearly see the HUGE boulder representing the anger I felt at my mom for sending me away. I had to take a hammer and start chipping away at the boulder, I was free to express anger, resentment, sadness, to scream and shout and cry if I wanted. I just cried and chipped away at the boulder. Eventually, covered with dust and tired and drained, I stood in the place where the boulder was, there were a few scattered pieces lying at my feet, but I could see the valley behind the boulder, with the sun shining down. This was such a crippling weight that I have carried with me for all my life, never realizing it was there! I was looking in all the wrong places. Looking back I don't hate my mom, never have, I realize she was only a 24 year old girl herself having to raise two kids on her own, and it was hard and she did not do it to harm us, but to try and keep us safe. But as a little girl I did not understand these things, and could not deal with the rejection. That lead to me always wanting to please everybody in my life for fear of rejection, and placing a tremendous amount of strain on myself to bend over backwards to try and make sure I will not be rejected. It affected so many aspects of my life. Hence my lack of assertiveness later in my life. Today, I have a physical pain in my heart, but I know I scratched open a big festering wound, and it is clean, it can start healing. Some of my other issues are resolving themselves because the CAUSE has been exposed. I'm no longer treating the symptoms, I'm treating the cause. Thanks for reading everyone!

Chloe, it's like I said before, STOP PLAYING HIS GAME!! As long as he can get a response from you, ANY RESPONSE he will not leave you alone. Don't even respond by saying NO, just ignore everyting and anything he tries with you. Stop giving in to his trying to buy you, and your affection. I know it makes life easier to have a place in the city to go to, but is it really worth the price you are paying for it??

SadScot, I'm so glad that you are at the point now where you finally "SEE"!! It's still a hard road to travel to acutally get out of there, and get rid of him, but I believe in you, I know you can do it. You deserve it and owe it to yourself. No he's not going to change. He never will. Mine also went for councilling, went on meds, etc etc, begged, pleaded sent flowers and cards, professed his love for me in front of friends, and from mountains and rooftops.... but it's all for show. People that don't know what's going on told me "OOOhh he loves you so much, you are a cute couple etc etc, " If only they knew! Don't let yourself be fooled. Pick up the newspaper, lots of people advertise rooms available, b&b's and furnished flats. Just take the first step!

Anyone else been in the situation? *raises hand* Me too girl. A lot of us have been there, and managed to get out in time. I was with him for 2 years and the physical abuse only started after the first year... and not that often but the emotional abuse was far worse. You walk on eggshells all day, you are not trusted and your self esteem is broken down to the point where you cannot even dare to breathe without his permission. Bet thing for you is to get out, and get your life back. It's yours to take. Of course you feel love for this guy, he made sure you would!!! It's all part of the manipulation and abuse. You will only realise once you are out, how wrong you were about the love part, you are not feeling love, what you are feeling is an addiction. We are here to talk and help, give advice and support you when you are ready!

MI_Shell, that must have been quite horrible, going to somebody for help, and then being treated badly! Did this happen with different therapists, and did you report them to the Medical Professionals council? I'm truly very saddened to hear people in this profession would exhibit kind of behaviour! If I may ask, what country do you live in?

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you! Always remember though, a therapist cannot solve your problems for you, they need your open-ness and co-operation to show you the possibilities in fixing your own problems.

Hi there, I don't know if you saw the coucillor yet or not, but here is something I wrote the other day that might shed some light on what typically happen during sessions with therapists... hope this helps to ease your axiety a bit! Stay well!

Mayfair, if is not your fault that you got trapped into this horrible horrible relationship. They don't start out that way you know. In the beginning of the relationships they are the perfect b/f, they are everything you ever wanted in a man, and more, and only later, when you are snared, do they start to show their true colours. The reason we stay in relationships like this, is because we hope and pray the person we met and fell in love with is still in there somewhere. THE SAD TRUTH IS , IT WASN'T THE REAL THEM. It's a very well rehearsed con, it happened to ALL of us. Me included. The best thing (and hardest) for you to do now, is get rid of him, of this threat and horrible relationship, and go through with it!!

Hi there. I had the same idea the other day about the sticky post and decided to write about my experiences with therapy, since I too, find it very difficult to move on from things that happened in my past, since I was a young child until just the other day!! have a read here I also talk about the exercises they did with me in therapy, and some other posters added very valuable adivce!! Maybe somewhere in there is something you can use?? Same as you, the reason I did this was to prevent the past from interfering in my current happy marraige and the relationship I have with my husband and little girl. I would do anything to keep it healthy, but you can only do that if you heal the old wounds instead of letting them fester and bleed every now and then.

Hi there, I don't understand how your stomach cramps and hypertension has anything to do with not having sex? Yes, some people are just not into sex and some are. It must be hell wanting sex all the time and not getting it inside your marraige. Have you gone for coucilling?

Chloe, don't worry. Your mom will get over the initial shock, you have to realise - her child put herself in danger - against their mother's advise. i probably would have been a bit mad/disappointed too. But you know what? She loves you, she will get over it soon enough and help by being pro-active in securing your safety. I would say if you had to move, he will still find you, he has all your numbers etc, no use trying to run. You got to face up to it and FORCE THE BREAK, at the moment, the police option seems the best way to go, until you can find another better option, unless this way helps. You must expect him to contest your claims, after all they are going to restrict his freedom, so of course he will put up a fight, but it is better him fighting with the police, than him fighting with you!! And now EVERYBODY KNOWS!! Don't dispair, just a short way down this road, then you will be free to choose a path of your own, your new future.

What an absolute GEM!!! I will also make it a rule in my life from now on!! Southerngirl, the hardest thing to do is actually making the appointment and keeping it. Once you are there and you met your new therapist and start building a TRUST relationship with them you will not believe how you could have coped without talking to them!! It's like the floodgates open and it just pours out of you. Sometimes there are so many things floating around in my head that I forget some of it, and I'm scared I can't get everything out. But in the end All my stories and experiences leads to the same problems, anxious, depressed, self-sabotage etc. So even if I don't relate everything (some things are still too personal for me to talk about) If I could just get somebody to help me deal with the BIG things, the little ones should fall into place by themselves. Just one thing: Therapists cannot SOLVE your problems for you, what they do is assist you by giving you COPING TOOLS to be able to fix those problems in your life yourself, and they facilitate the process. That way, when you are done with therapy, you will have been equipped with the tools (life skills) you need to be able to deal with problems in future.

That's what I say, try it anyway, It might do you a world of good, and it might not help at all, but you won't know until you try!

I've been through a few rough patches in my life, and I've always turned to professionals to help me out. Not because I was convinced that I was crazy, and not because I could not deal with my problems myself, but because I was so caught up in my own problems, I could often not see the real issues behind them. They would manifest in different ways in my life, from getting migraines when I was small, to muscles spasms in my back, or feelings of detachment, anger, hurt, guilt, sorrow, DEPRESSION and total loss of control. I want to share my experiences with different types of councilors with all of you, and I also want to add a disclaimer that not all therapists work the same, and if you find yourself visiting one some day, your experience might be totally different from mine, or you might go for reasons different to mine, but quite often people are too scared to go, or don't think they need it, or they don't know what to expect, and this is why I want to try and shed some light on the subject! If you have experiences to share please do, it will de-mystify therapists for a lot of people, and hopefully assist others in deciding on the best course of therapy to take. Marriage Councilor I got married to my high school sweetheart when I was 20 and we were married for 3 years. It was not a good marriage, but I was happy. Until he started cheating, that is. He cheated on me 3 x with random one-night stand girls, and then later I found out he also had an affair for 1.5 years of our marriage with my best friend. He used to go on business trips a lot, and that is where all the trouble began. Well, one day he came back from a trip again. When I went to greet him at the gate, I gave him one look and could not stand to even be in the same room with him anymore. He insisted we go for counseling before I could file for a divorce. So... Off to the marriage councilor we went. The therapist greeted us both warmly, and told us to sit. He told us that we would each get a turn to tell our side of the story, and we were not allowed to interrupt, the other, or in anyway say belittling remarks, or verbal abuse. EVEN if we disagree, we were not allowed to interrupt each other. R got to go first. He told the therapist he had no idea why I wanted to leave him, he said when he messed up he always asked for forgiveness, and so it doesn't make sense that I want to go now. He said he was struggling with the fact that I did not take as good care of him as his mother did, and he was very disappointed with that. (he had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and still attached to mommy's apron strings). When it was my turn I told the therapist how I stayed at home, cooked, cleaned, decorated, gardened, and had a full time job to help pay the bills. I didn't deserve being cheated on and I could not handle it anymore. R didn't trust me to go anywhere with anybody if he wasn't around. The therapist asked each of us how we see a marriage if each of us represented a circle in a picture. R said he saw the circles as one on top of the other, since in a marriage two become one…. I said that I see the circles that way too. Boy we were wrong!! The therapist explained to us that in a marriage each person still stays their own entity, but the two circles overlap with about 20% linking them together, and the area that overlaps, that is the marriage. If you don't do it that way, one of the partners in the marriage will totally loose themselves, and be controlled by the other. (i.e. once circle) He told R that to go out and do wrong things because you know you will stand up in church on Sunday and be forgiven, only to go and do the same thing next week will not build a strong and healthy marriage. He had to stop his behavior, be GENUINE in his remorse and start working on our marriage. He told me to FORGIVE because I made a promise, and to forget and move on to rebuild the marriage. I decided not to forgive, I could not forget and I proceeded to file for divorce. Visiting this therapist helped me, even if I didn't follow all of his advice, what he told us about the circles was a revelation to me, I realized how little I knew about relationships and how to make it work. Therapist I was suffering from depression and feeling miserable in every relationship I ever got into, so I decided to go and find out if it is something I'm doing wrong that I cannot identify, so I went to see a therapist. The first two sessions consisted mostly out of talking about my past. I told her the things I thought were bugging me, and the things I have been through up until that point. She gave me homework. Around the third or fourth appointment she told me to go home and draw a timeline of my life. Not a lot of details but something in the line of this 1972 Born 1975 Dad leaves us 1978 Start school 1980 Get new step dad Move house Start new school Get sent to boarding school 1986 Loose step dad Start high school 1987 Date first boyfriend 1989 Meet R 1990 Finish high school 1991 move into Etc. You get the picture. She let me talk mostly, and now and then she would ask me how I feel about stuff, If I still hated him, If I missed him, if I was angry at my mom and questions like that. She would also make affirmative remarks like "you have achieved so much in your life, you must be proud of yourself" or "you are the main character in your own movie" (Initially I thought that was a very negative statement, telling me that I'm a narcissist or something, but I feel better about it now. She told me that the patterns we learn as kids from our parents on how they treat each other and us kids has a huge impact on how I choose my love partners later in my life. That if my dad was emotionally (or completely) unavailable, that unconsciously I would go out and choose a partner like that. (AND I DID!!) If there were verbal/emotional/physical abuse in our house, I would also most likely end up with that. The dynamic in my family was that of a strong, self sustaining mother, raising her kids without a dad's influence in their lives, and that is exactly why I struggled to get along with a partner, and SHARE emotions, attach myself to a new love etc. Because I was following the example my mom set. Your parents are your role models in life, if you grow up in their house, and see their behavior and attitudes, automatically as young child you accept it to be the norm, and you conform to it. Kids don't know that it might be different in other households, and that their "right" way is actually very unhealthy and totally the "wrong" way of doing things, it's their frame of reference, and it's all they have to try and carve out a life for themselves. At this point in therapy my depression lifted, I was going to go on a nice holiday, so I didn't feel I needed to see her again, although I was wrong, we only touched the tip of the iceberg. A few very traumatic things happened in my life after that, I got into an abusive relationship, I lost him to a motorbike accident, I lost my house, my job, my car because we had a home business together, on his name, and we were not married, so his family took everything. I eventually found my current husband, we've been married for 2.5 years now, we have a beautiful baby girl and I'm happy….. But still depressed and still getting anxiety attacks etc. So I decided to go and see another therapist, I was scared my depressive episodes were going to start affecting my current relationship… Hypnotherapist I found this guy by accident, I thought he was just a normal therapist, and I don't believe in this hypno hype thing. At the start of my therapy he told me that I will not want to talk about it, and my sub-conscious will find any excuse for not going to therapy when it gets hard, things like running late, having a headache, having to cancel appointment because something else came up. He told me to resist those urges and force myself to come if I really want to heal, I owe it to myself. Anyway. We went through a very detailed questionnaire of my life from the time I was born, I could not remember lots of it (probably blocking out a lot). He started doing relaxation therapy with me, putting headphones on my head, letting me sit in a recliner chair and just relaxing for 20 minutes, listening to him describing the sea (with the sea in the background) or the mountains, or wherever you feel like going. I was so tense at first I could not relax at all, but it got better by session 3 and by session 4 I was looking forward to my little "holidays". Next we did a word association test, where I was in a relaxed state again, he would say a word, and I had to respond immediately with an association that sprung into my head. Some of my responses REALLY surprised me. I didn't loose control of myself, or go into a trance at all, I was just relaxing, and thus more open to explore my feelings. (he did make a suggestion to my sub-conscious that I was safe and ok). The next session was groundbreaking for me. Visualizing a rainbow with all the different colors swirling around me, I was relaxing in the chair, when he took me back (as an adult) to visit the house I lived in as a small child. I had to visualize the fence, the shrubs in the garden, the front door, everything. By now it came easily to me, since it is a memory I had. A little girl came out of the front door, of about 5 years old and walked up to me. (I had to visualize her too, he just suggested I do it). Then he told me it's me as a child, and I have the opportunity, now as an adult to talk to her, hold her, love her, and tell her things will be ok. I cried and cried, basically bawled my eyes out, and held her - in my minds eye, I told her that I loved her, and that she meant the world to me, and that it will be ok. You see I was neglected as a child and I needed love and reassurance. As a grown-up I was able to go back and make contact with her. Apparently they call it making contact with your inner child. At the end of the session he told me she shrunk smaller and smaller until she could fit into my hand, and when I held her against me, she melted into me, and now lives in my heart. Having a child of my own, you can imagine how emotional this was for me. But you know what; It made a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE TO ME. He suggested that she will always be there, and I can talk to her as often as I want, in my heart, and it will make her grow stronger. She is growing stronger everyday. I'm now mothering myself. I resisted therapy the next day I had to go, because I knew we were moving on to when I was bigger, and I remember more of that time, nothing pleasant. I virtually dragged myself by the collar to go, but he simply used relaxation therapy again, and we worked on letting 3 emotions go: GUILT, FEAR and WORRY. It gave me the break I needed to gather strength to face the next demons in my past. I'm currently still in hypnotherapy, and I have to say I find it very helpful, it helps me deal with my demons one at a time, it's not overpowering and the therapist explained the whole length of therapy for me: and what each session would consist off. So it's not just years and years of therapy without knowing if he's getting around to helping you with the problems. I really hope somebody will find this helpful and insightful, feel free to post your own experiences too!

Chloe, now that everybody is in on the SECRET it will become harder and harder for him to get away with ANYTHING. I suppose you will still feel anxious for awhile, but keep on surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you, who knows what you are going through, they will be your army of freedom!! Don't give up, you will be free from this before you know it. I will also hold thumbs for you, and pray for you.

Oh Chloe, you need to stay strong. Stay firm in your resolve not to have any contact with him, even if it means having him arrested. If they arrest him, don't drop the charges. YOU MEAN BUSINESS. He never takes responsibility for anything, and now is the time for you to exercise your rights. I firmly believe after this ordeal he will drop contact. Keep us updated. How are you keeping, are you feeling less anxious, sleeping better?

It might be too soon for the test to show a positive result. The symptoms you describe is definitely early signs of pregnancy. I'm sorry to be the doom profit, but if you had unprotected sex 10 days BEFORE her period, that was probably her most fertile time..... If she doesn't have her period in the next week, I suggest taking another test.

Helpme2, I want to share with you what happened to me these past two weeks I've been going to a hypnotherapist for the last few weeks. I've been to see countless therapists before but none of them seemed to help me get rid of my most basic problem, self sabotage and depression due to issues of abuse and trauma in my past. I found this guy by accident, I thought he was just a normal therapist, and I don't believe in this hypno hype thing. At the start of my therapy he told me that I will not want to talk about it, and my sub-conscious will find any excuse for not going to therapy when it gets hard, things like running late, having a headache, having to cancel appointment because something else came up. He told me to resist those urges and force myself to come if I really want to heal, I owe it to myself. Anyway. We went through a very detailed questionnaire of my life from the time I was born, and like you, I can not remember lots of it (probably blocking out a lot). He started doing relaxation therapy with me, putting headphones on my head, letting me sit in a recliner chair and just relaxing for 20 minutes, listening to him describing the sea (with the sea in the background) or the mountains, or wherever you feel like going. I was so tense at first I could not relax at all, but it got better by session 3 and by session 4 I was looking forward to my little "holidays". Next we did a word association test, where I was in a relaxed state again, he would say a word, and I had to respond immediately with an association that sprung into my head. Some of my responses REALLY surprised me. I didn't loose control of myself, or go into a trance at all, I was just relaxing, and thus more open to explore my feelings. (he did make a suggestion to my sub-conscious that I was safe and ok). The next session was groundbreaking for me. Visualizing a rainbow with all the different colours swirling around me, I was relaxing in the chair, when he took me back (as an adult) to visit the house I lived in as a small child. I had to visualize the fence, the shrubs in the garden, the front door, everything. By now it came easily to me, since it is a memory I had. A little girl came out of the front door, of about 5 years old and walked up to me. (I had to visualize her too, he just suggested I do it). Then he told me it’s me as a child, and I have the opportunity, now as an adult to talk to her, hold her, love her, and tell her things will be ok. I have to tell you, I cried and cried, and held her in my minds eye, I told her that I loved her, and that she meant the world to me, and that it will be ok. You see I was neglected as a child and I needed love and reassurance. As a grownup I was able to go back and make contact with her. Apparently they call it making contact with your inner child. At the end of the session he told me she shrunk smaller and smaller until she could fit into my hand, and when I held her against me, she melted into me, and now lives in my heart. Having a child of my own, you can imagine how emotional this was for me. But you know what, It made a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE TO ME. He suggested that she will always be there, and I can talk to her as often as I want, in my heart, and it will make her grow stronger. She is growing stronger everyday. I’m now mothering myself. I don’t know if all of this makes sense to you, but it made such a positive impact on me. I believe for you this kind of therapy might help too. I resisted therapy the next day I had to go, because I knew we were moving on to when I was bigger, and I remember more of that time, nothing pleasant. I virtually dragged myself by the collar to go, but he simply used relaxation therapy again, and we worked on letting 3 emotions go: GUILT, FEAR and WORRY. It gave me the break I needed to gather strength to face the next demons in my past. I hope my story shed some light on your situation, and with this I want to tell you that you cannot do it alone, and definitely not all at once. Venting your anger is the first step to healing. Getting it out means taking off the scab on the festering wound of your soul. Now you need to clean it out, and then it will heal and not bother you anymore. You will then be able to let go.

Hi Helpme2 Yes, I agree with Hope and DN, we are all here for you. You don't have to start a new thread everytime something goes wrong in your life. We are all subscribed to your thread, so when you post we are all notified and will be here as soon as possible to talk and lend a helping hand where we can. I often feel detachment from my daily life, it's like you are an outsider looking down on a stranger in a strange life huh? I believe its another coping mechanism built into our subconscious to help us cope. It is a great idea for you and your husband to cut some responsibilities off of your shoulders, so you can have less anxiety and more time to focus on the real thing that matters getting better. Tell your hubby we applaud him for being so supportive and understanding!

ED, in my humble opinion you should try and lift your head up from feeling sorry for yourself, and go out there and try to seize the day. The sun shines on you every day, you got a great gift from GOD - being clever and getting the opportunity to have gained a worthwhile education. Stop looking at your own sorrows and implement your great gifts in helping others. Loved ones and friends will flow automatically from that, in abundance