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  1. Hello, I’m not sure who will see this as it’s my first time using this website (hope I’m posting this right), but I feel like I need an outside perspective on this. This may be long as I want to minimize the amount of unknown information to make this non one sided or biased. The main issue: my online boyfriend (age20) gets very moody when I (21) am not in the mood to do any sexual activity. context: we have been together for about a year now and since 2021 started I’ve noticed this issue coming up a lot. When he’s in the mood for sex (this is an online relationship so I’m talking about phone sex) and I’m not it’s like a switch goes off; he’ll become quiet and give me “yeah” “ok” type answers, gives me attitude, we’ll sit there for an hour saying nothing to each other, he used to even just leave the call saying he has something else to do. I’ve addressed this to him a few times and each time it’s a different answer: “when you say you’re not in the mood I think you mean you’re not in the mood for anything” “it’s an issue with the way I interpret things that I’m trying to work on” and something about how he used to behave in the past. Now I accept these answers but I’m seeing no improvement. I’ve also noticed that sometimes when he’s in the mood, it’s the only thing he’ll bring up; he’ll be distracted by something else (Netflix/video games) and every few minutes say “what you saying?” (That’s basically our way of asking if the other wants to have sex), he’ll ignore my comments, won’t make any conversation, just go back to his show then randomly ask again until I say yes or until he realizes he can’t convince me. Just tonight he did this all again. Gave me attitude and everything, I left the facetime only for him to call back later, still being quiet and giving “yeah” “ok” answers to me. It’s like this every single time, to the point where sometimes I just go along with it to save myself the headache. There will be times where we won’t have sex for max 2 weeks, and during those days he’s constantly moody. background information: we started off with a “friends with benefits” type of relationship. We would have sex everyday (no exaggeration) even once we started getting more serious, it was still an everyday thing. We were very rocky however during that point in our relationship; he was emotionally unavailable for a while and I was coming on to him very strong. So reading this it’s understandable to think “maybe I’m the one who’s changed and he’s not used to this.” My sex drive hasn’t necessarily changed, I’m just less infatuated and more in love, I enjoy a different type of intimacy now, the emotional kind. Before I would be ok with doing that everyday because my infatuation for him was strong and I would be fine doing anything so long as it was with him. Another thing I should mention is that I suffer from diagnosed Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, so my mood and energy levels are never consistent. There’s times where I am in The mood to do that everyday and times where I don’t want to for weeks. Before he knew me he was a player; his relationship with women didn’t go past having sex (in person not online). He wasn’t serious about finding someone, and still strung up on his ex. He told me when he met me however, he was trying to move on from that lifestyle and settle down. Thank you to whoever took the time to read all of this. I think that’s everything (hoping I didn’t miss anything). Actually while writing that I thought maybe I should mention: we’re pretty serious, we talk about our future, we plan to visit each other once COVID isn’t a thing, I’ve met his friends/mom and he’s met mine. Despite all of this though, I don’t know what to do. In all honesty it makes me feel like ***. Like when I don’t want to have sex then there’s no point in conversation or anything anymore.. it hurts me a lot and he knows this, which makes it worse. I’m hoping that someone can at least help me understand more about his mindset or why he does this. Maybe I’m not seeing something..
  2. I`ve been with her for many years and we live together. In the beginning of our story, we used to have sex almost every time we met. I was in a bliss. Everything however started turning worse month by month, year by year.. She started wanting less and less sex, while my sex drive stayed the same. I wanted her every day, just like in the beginning, and could not understand what happened within her. Slowly this started to escalate into a number of issues for us, while everything else was still great, actually even better as our love had grown to something worth staying despite of everything. I have witnessed this same horrible, unlogical and most of all sad evolution of sexual desire in the woman I`m in a long term relationship with earlier in my life, two times. Everything goes on exactly the same way, every time, no matter how good a man I try to be. I don`t understand why it happens. Some say it`s inevitable course of nature, some say it ain`t. I belong to the group who thinks it definitely should not be so, and life like that is not worth living. I can`t understand people who choose a life where joy of sex is slowly forgotten. I acknowledged this risk before I decided to move in together with her because of my experience in life, and made sure she had the same sexual appetite as I did. We discussed this many times, and I told her that the relationship I can happily live in maintains the sex drive just as it`s for us now, at this very moment. I made sure she realized, that I have gone through pain in my previous relationships because of what happened to my partners sex drives, and don`t want to waste time if she loses her drive after 1-2 years or something like that. She convinced me that it can`t happen, because I`m everything she wants, and she likes sex. She is a very intelligent woman, and I know she processed this through before moving in with me, I`m certain of it. How could she not know herself better? I know myself as a human being, and what I can maintain in long run and what I can`t. I know what in my behaviour is based on initial attraction, and what is something I want to develop in the long run. I had very high hopes in our future, I thought this time everything would be different. I made sure I treated her with respect in every situation, I did atleast 50% of the household chores every week, I never let her be a housekeeper of any sort, I took care of our closeness on other levels as well, I had long discussions with her, took her to nice dates all the time up to this day, I made sure I did nothing that I had previously learned that could cause issues. We also used to do lots of kinky stuff, and now she only wants to have sex exactly same way every time, and refuses most of the special stuff we once enjoyed. When I confront her about all of this, the only two explanations she can give me are: - She does not perceive herself beautiful. - She does not think about sex, like none. Sex or sexuality has no place in her daily thoughts. These are facts for her, because I have confronted her many times and the explanations have stayed the same throughout the years. I can`t understand either of them. She is a beautiful woman, and she looks just the same as she did when we met. Every time we go out, I can see people looking at her, and she even gets pick up attempts regularly. That is not a good thing in my mind of course, but she is loyal and I think that kind of stuff should only keep her confidence high. The fact that sex has no place in her daily thoughts is just... wow. This is not the same woman I met. Something has definitely changed, but neither of us seems to know what. I have done a thorough research about her situation by asking certain questions also while we are not discussing this issue, and I`m positive she is not attracted to anyone else. She can`t name a single thing she would be missing in her life. She wants to be with me forever. She is not hiding anything. She feels like she can be her true self with me. There is no explanation. I`m just broken by this situation. I love her way more than I love sex, if I had to choose I would stick with her and never have sex again but then again I would most likely end myself at some point because of the depression caused by it. Still, I would not leave her. I love her so much. I know she loves me also, because she would not be with me anymore if she didn`t, this issue has raised so much hell for us.. It breaks me down when I approach her as gently as I can, trying to get her into the mood and she just kisses me quickly 1-3 times then turns away. Every time hurts more than previous, even though the amount of times this has happened is enormous. We still have sex though, but 10 times less than in the beginning, which was the amount of sex I want in my life. I also need the kinky stuff, it`s the salt for me. It has been ages since the last time she wanted stuff like that.. I don`t even remember how it felt anymore. Due to the constant distress I have been put by this situation, I have made a fool out of myself a great number of times. Unfortunately infront of her friends and family as well, as we have spent many alcohol infused nights together with everyone. I have no words to describe how bad it makes me feel. I have never been a jealous type of person, but this has just gone too far for me. Everytime I participate in a discussion where some other man gets to experience the kind of sex life I`m after, I can just feel the pressure exploding inside of me shouting out loud: Why am I treated so bad in my sexlife? This makes me say all kinds of idiotic sentences, no matter who is around.. And I just can`t help it. I tried a therapist two times because of the anger and frustration I felt, but it didn`t seem to go anywhere and I felt like I wasn`t understood. I have never cheated in my life, but as time goes by I`m beginning to lose the explanation for my loyalty. Back in days I used to be proud to be loyal and honest in a world where most people seem to cheat, but now I just feel like a fool doing so. I don`t know why I`m loyal anymore. I just wish there would be an answer to all of this, a right path to walk towards the kind of relationship I dream about, but I just can`t see it any better than I can see to the other side of our planet with naked eyes. Reaching it seems as impossible as escaping gravity without an engine of some kind. I have lost my reason to live.
  3. Greetings Enotaloners, It's been a little while since I sought advice here. In my usual style, this will likely be long and rambling. Also, a warning, this post is at times frank and explicit. My girlfriend and I moved in together two weeks ago after just shy of a year of dating. While it hasn't been the smoothest transition, with some pre-existing issues around communication being amplified in the process of moving and intergrating our lives, I believe we have settled down a bit and we are slowly getting into the groove. However, I am experiencing a sudden loss of sex drive following a discussion around sex and intimacy. A Brief History Our relationship is generally good, however sex and intimacy has been an issue at times. A brief history of these being: The first few times being intimate with each other after the first time, we had some issues with ED and self-lubrication. We worked through these and they have not been an issue since. Very early in the relationship, not long after we started being intimate, my girlfriend commented that her sister and mother both dislike sex, and they have separate bedrooms from their husbands. While I was understanding, I explained that I didn't want to be in a relationship without physical intimacy. I sought assurance that she did enjoy and want sex with me in our relationship, which she gave me. Prior to moving in together we usually only saw each on weekends (F,S,S nights) and would usually have sex one of these nights. We also sleep on separate single mattresses with separate linen, push together to make a queen size. We recently bought beds for our new apartment in the same style (her idea) At one point (around May), she commented that she sometimes felt I was pushing for sex when I was cuddling/kissing her. This was somewhat true, although it was not intentional per se, and I subsequently tried to tone it down while still being my naturally demonstrative self. I also reassured that I didn't expect physical intimacy to always lead to sex. Later, in a social setting with some close friends, we were all discussing sex in long term relationships, particularly frequency, where I commented that I would probably be a '3-times-a-week' kind of guy, to which she reacted positively. She has also expressed a similar sentiment at another time when it was just us. Also early in the relationship, she asked me to not be naked in front of her in non-sexual situations (i.e. changing clothes). I am something of a 'home-nudist', in that I sleep naked, and often will be naked after waking up or showering for an extended amount of time. After her request, I stopped doing this (I still sleep naked, but I keep pajamas on hand to put home before getting up). On a related note, she has commented on at least 3 occasions that she is not physically turned-on by male bodies. She says she can appreciate a good body, but it does not get her excited. By the way, I am by no means an Adonis. During a fight where sex was raised as an issue by me, she commented 'I never had this problem with my ex-boyfriend'. She immediately apologised, but I was obviously extremely hurt by this. In a separate conversation around sex, she has also disclosed that she engaged in some sexual activities with her ex which we have not (watching pornography together), which she referred to positively (on a side note, she said she was turned on by the female porn actresses). We have different sexual styles. I prefer extended foreplay and 'exploring', whereas she generally wants to get to penetrative sex quicker. She is also incapable of orgasm (her explanation), which has had a weird effect on me. I often feel pressure to 'finish', and more and more I actually don't (stopping sex with orgasm). Despite this, when we have sex, it is generally very good. There are two more more issues, which are entirely on my side: I have never felt she has been 100% up-front about her feelings around sex, possibly because I feel on some level she herself is not 100% honest with herself. This is fed by my own self-esteem issues and relationship insecurities around feeling attractive and wanted. I am not completely satisfied with our sex life, in that I would like to explore more sexually - different positions, locations (i.e. different rooms), toys. For me, this is linked to growing intimacy and trust. We have both expressed that we are in this relationship with the expectation of it going the distance (i.e. marriage), so she may be the only woman I sleep with for the rest of my life. I want to be 100% into each other and explore our sexual sides together. The Issue Last Sunday we had a rough day, with small fights throughout the day. This had been a pattern for the first week together and was getting to both of us. Since then, we have both been making a huge effort to improve our communication and I genuinely feel we had made big progress in the last 4-5 days. However, on Sunday evening after we had a big 'lay-it-all-out' type discussion to work through the issues, I raised our sex life. We had only had sex once since moving together, and while I was acutely aware that this was symptomatic of our fighting, I wanted to talk about her feelings around sex more generally. Note that I prefaced by expressing that I genuinely enjoy our sex life now. The question I specifically asked was: Do you feel that in the future you would want to explore more sexually, or would you be happy if it stayed exactly the same as now? She asked for specifics, and I replied: Well, for example, using toys one day... She replied that she wasn't interested in toys, and was happy with the way it was now and did not want more. She also commented that she did not want sex during the week, and that once a week was enough. She was initally quite categorical in her answer, however she clearly saw my face drop a little, because she followed up with "at the moment; maybe one day it will change." I told her not to hedge, I wanted her to be completely honest. She went on to talk about not being 'horny' frequently. After some clarification, my understanding of her feelings is that she cannot be 'turned on' by anything directly, and that sex is more of a physical thing (as opposed to part about trust, intimacy and connecting in the relationship). I heard her, and I completely accept her feelings around this. My feelings around sex are that it has two sides; physical (libido) and emotional (intimacy). I do feel she has finally been honest with me. However, since that discussion, my libido has completely and entirely vanished. Prior to this, I had fairly high libido, and would masturbate every 1-2 days on average, but I have not even had an erection for 4 days (apart from morning wood). She has also made some moves toward me to initiate sex, but I have not be aroused (in fact, I was a slightly repelled). On the intimacy side, I have been making a real effort to improve our relationship from my side (as has she from hers), and I genuinely feel it is working and feel closer to her than I did last week. However, last week I wanted her sexually, to be intimate with her. Now, I don't. I have tried watching pornography, however that too does not arouse me. I have also become overall less physically demonstrative (kisses, hugs). I worry that I am subconciously punishing her, although I am conciously adamant that I am not. I also worry that somehow a switch has gone off in my head. Oddly, I feel happier/better in almost every other regard (both personally and in the relationship), as I have been exercising more since moving and just had 2 days off to myself which has been great for recharging and getting things done. Has anyone else been through something like this? Should I just wait and see if my sex-drive returns in the coming days/weeks? Should I let her know, so she understands my rejection of her advances, or, because I am not sure of the cause or reasoning, should I keep it to myself until I understand? Thank you in advance for any insight and advice, T EDIT: One more relevant point that just occured to me: When I was single, I would periodically lose libido for short periods (a few weeks to a month). This would occur maybe once or twice a year, and generally when I would get into something new (hobby, work, etc.). Is it possible this has just occured with a life change and its nothing to worry about? This has not happened in a relationship before, however.
  4. As my title says,,,sexless marriages Do they work? Is anybody in one, if so how does this work for you? Is there absolutely zero sexual activity in your marriage?
  5. Hi, I`m going through a really hard phase in my relationship of about 3 years. Or actually, I have been in two 3-4 year long relationships before this one, making this my 3rd long term relationship where I have moved in together with someone and shared my whole life with. This hard phase though is something i`m drastically familiar with, and I can`t even really call it a phase anymore. It`s something else, it`s like an universal rule in my life it seems. It seems to be that for many others too, from what I read and hear from time to time. So what is this, and does it really have to be this way every time? At first all of the relationships have been like fire for the first year, making me sexually very happy. Then the women I`ve lived with at that point in all the cases have just slowly started shutting down in their sex drive, while there has been no changes in mine, resulting in unbalance. I have been wanting about 1000 times more sex on daily basis than they around 2 years in the relationship, facing constant rejections which have started to slowly shatter everything. Since it happened the first time, I thought I tried everything I know to make things better. Nothing helped though, and this was the sole reason I ended the relationship after suffering for about 2 years in sexually too limited relationship. I did some mistakes in the way also, and tried to learn from them. However I never realized what I should had done differently. In my second long term relationship the big picture was quite similar, however this time I got my ass dumped after everything had broken down the same way. Lack of her sexual desire started to be a problem after about 1,5 years and since that it was one major downfall. I had tried to learn from my past mistakes though, and gave my all this time. I tried to communicate with her, I tried to reason, I tried to figure out the solutions. She didn`t communicate back, the passion she had for me just faded away killing me inside. She seemed like a loving person to me at the same time she didn`t want sex during 1,5-3 years. I blamed her, because I had told her many times before we moved in together that I`m not looking for a relationship where sex drive decreases, as I know it would not make me happy. She was sure at that point that it would last. It didn`t. I wanted her till the very end just the same way I did when we had just met, but her desire faded away. After the break up I got really depressed, and started to live a life of unhealthy ways, being sad every day. Nothing really mattered to me anymore for the longest time. I started dating many women at the same time, without being in a relationship with anyone. At some point I had different date for every night of the week. I tried to kill my loneliness and depression for random sex. (Cheers tinder..) I swore to myself I would never start a relationship again during this time. Then the unexpected happened. I met someone who penetrated all of my defences. I just fell in love instantly, I felt like she was my soulmate. This was something I had never felt earlier in my life. She seemed to feel the same way too. Just thinking about her made me forget everything that made me sad in my earlier life. It started to feel great that the 2nd relationship had actually ended, because I had met her. Before moving in with her, I really made her think about my sexual needs. I was so scared to start a life again with someone, because I didn`t trust that I could be happy in a long term relationship. I discussed it with her thoroughly, I told her my history, and asked to think about this in long run. She believed that her sex-drive would never decrease. I decided that this time, I would try not to make any mistakes. I wanted her to have everything she needs, I really gave my all just to make her happy. I did this every day up to this point. I wanted her never to be unhappy about anything, this was my goal to appreciate having her in my life. I felt like maybe this was why I had failed in my previous relationships, as I had ultimately blamed myself for losing the spark in them. How come.. it didn`t go the way it was supposed to. Things developed just the same way as in my previous relationships. Somewhere during 1-2 years we started having the first fights because she kept on rejecting me. She tried though, I could sense that, and I tried to be good for her just the same way I had decided. The downfall had been written in the stars though, as she just didn`t want sex as much as she did initially. It kept on going, and now around 3 years into our relationship it`s even worse and it was an year ago. Everytime I try to talk with her, it just ends to her saying "I don`t know why". She doesn`t know why. She never does, no matter from what angle I try to approach the subject. This issue has spread on all the places of our relationship. Yet she claims she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, like this all would not matter to her. Yesterday we had a big fight about this subject, and now as I`m writing this I feel unwanted, alone, sexually deprived, worthless and depressed. I have put everything I have on the line, literally everything and still my soulmate has been constantly losing her interest in sex. I have read a lot about this subject, and I know I`m not alone. I have also talked with some people face to face who share the situation, but it seems that everyone has just the same lowly solution: Cheat. All the people who I have talked with, who have been with their partners for years, just occasionally cheat their way out of that loneliness keeping themselves sane, because they accept the fact that the sex-drive of their partner has been lowered for good and there is nothing to do about it, as they can still seemingly love their partners while doing it. It just makes me angry, if this is the world we live in. I have never cheated my partner, even though I have been cheated on back in days (No, I don`t see dating many people at the same time cheating if you make it clear for them that you are not looking for a relationship as I did). It just makes you low af. Kind of sad people see that as a solution. To admit that it`s just human after you accept such a thing, is even sadder. I can see that for people who accept such a thing, it might be an answer to those feelings that are left unsatisfied in their lives. I don`t know if this thread helps me or not. I quess this is my attempt to reach out if someone else is going through the same, or if someone has lost their desire towards their partner and has insight. I just feel so damn alone here. Why would you be in a relationship where you don`t crave your partner sexually? Where is the happiness in that kind of relationship? Why let the spark die with someone you had the greatest spark ever with, whats the point? Am I just living in a fantasy world, trying to carve a relationship of sexual heaven?
  6. hey all, i posted about 3 months ago about my lack of sex life and my partners extremely low sex drive. nothing has been "resolved" and i have spoken to him a few times about it. i'm at my wits end! he still won't do oral on me or allow me to do oral on him. he won't even allow me to touch his penis at all!!!!! he only fingers me but doesn't take "that is hurting me" as a clue that he is being too rough with my genitials. he is still only doing forplay for 5 minutes tops! And he wonders why i'm now so turned off even wanting to have a sexual relationship with him now as he hurts me every time as he won't bother with more forplay. i guess it doesn't help that he is a very big boy (17 cm's length, 12 cm's around approx.) it's still only once a month he decides to want to have sex! and every time, it's missionary position and NOTHING ELSE! help! i don't want to break up with him as i love him and i'm engaged to him but i want to be able to "put a rocket up his butt to do something about his sexual issues". any suggestions? i'm absolutely desparate!
  7. I am a 50 year old bbw and I love sex, I married a man who does not like sex. I have known him for 3 years now and before I married him I was under the impression we would have sex, but we never have. It is a long story one that I don't want 2 type up and take up that much room. I sometimes wonder why he married me, am not sure what to do, I care about him, but I don't believe we have a future together. I can't even discuss sex with him casue he does not like to talk about it. He just sits in the bedroom day after day on his computer 24/7 and only comes out 2 use the bathroom or shower once in a while. I don't love him like I used to casue he makes it hard to do so. I want to find someone who likes sex as much as I do and wants sex. I want to be able to talk about sex to someone cause it is a wonderful thing. I have been married for almost 2 years and never had sex with him yet. I know it is hard to believe but it is true. I don't know what 2 do, I knew we are breaking apart which is going to lead to a breakup, I don't even want to sleep in the same room as him anymore. We are apart in everyway including the heart. What do I do with a man who wants no part of sex with me, makes me feel like I am ugly and that he is too good for me, I know I am a big lady, but I am a nice one and I love sex, but with him I feel as if sex is a bad thing and it is not, what do I do, I want sex and love, I want to feel like a woman and be happy, but how can I be happy when this man makes me feel dirty or bad about sex just cause he does not like it and forces me to go with out sex just casue of him. How do I stop the tears inside so I can heal and not always feel so dirty, how do I stop those tears and feel like a woman again.
  8. I've been dating someone new for about 8 months and the first problem I had in the very beginning was I kept being repulsed by his touch whenever he tried to initiate sex. And we still haven't had sex yet because although I don't feel repulsed to touch him when I initiate, my sex drive is short lived and have basically no desire to have sex at all- so the initiation always falls flat-- never results in sex because I lose my sex drive less than 5 minutes after I initiate. I've been thinking about the problem a lot and how my new bf's self-esteem is being hurt. I think that because of my last really bad relationship where I was always being rejected whenever I tried to initiate and when we DID have sex I always bled because he would be too forceful and my skin would cut and bleed and he wouldn't listen to me when I told him it hurt or to stop. There was no enjoyment whatsoever and I would be sore until the cuts healed up to 2 weeks later. I learned that sex wasn't enjoyable because he made me do it whether I wanted it or not, it was all about his pleasure and never about my own, and then I would be in pain for weeks afterwards. Since then, I've had very little sex drive since the last few months of my last 2 year relationship over a year ago up until now. Whenever my new boyfriend tries to initiate I have the fear of being cut and bleeding again and I turn him down. I think that's why my sex-drive has disappeared and I think that's why when he initiates my skin crawls and I'm repulsed and turned off. I like him a lot, I have a lot of intimate, romantic feelings for him and there's a lot of emotional security in the relationship-- but there's no passion. How do I get over this fear of pain and revive my sex-drive? How do I raise his self-esteem even when I don't have sex with him and turn down his initiations because I'm not ready? Any suggestions would be great....
  9. It seems like things have been going well in my relationship lately I posted a couple weeks ago about his potential cheating and in the back of my mind, that's still a factor....but it stays in the back of my mind. For the past couple of weeks I've had my boyfriend back. He's been extremely considerate and caring and loving and has been one step ahead of me with everything. I mean it's like all I have to do is think his name and he's calling me or texting me. The current problem is our lack of sex. We haven't had sex in over a month. On the positive side, all of my past relationships have started out very physical and anything else was just a bonus. With this relationship, we've got so much going for us, the sex was just the icing on the cake so to speak. But whats the cake without the icing?? He's blamed it on everything from school to our relationship problems to my PMS to his medication. And he's extremely sensitive when we do talk about it. I just don't get it, he always tells me I'm beautiful...he always is grabbing my butt when he walks by or giving me movie star kisses in the middle of the grocery store but seriously what gives?? It's killing my self esteem. It's just so hard to imagine that the one guy I want...the one guy I love....doesn't want me back. By the way, I checked online and there is no 'decreased libido' in the list of side effects of his medication.
  10. i've been dating this guy for 3 years, and we used to have amazingly awesome sex 1 year ago. But recently our sex has been pretty boring. We have sex once or twice a week, but when we have sex, he can perfome only one sex. Even if i ask him more, he simply says "i know you can do it all night, but i can't do it anymore, i can't go." I understand if he really can't do it. But the problem is he masturbates every single day. I know because he says and he actually does it. The other day, it was on sunday morning, he woke up early, he went to the computer and masturbated. i caught him musturbating, but i didn't do anything. 2 days ago, he woke up and viewed some porn and came back to bed, cuddled me, but didn't have sex. if he has the energy to musturbate every day, i think he can do better. i'm not saying he should stop musturbating, but i want him to please me more. i asked him why he musturbates everyday, not has sex with me as ofthen as he musturbate, he said musturbation is completely different than sex, and he loves doing it. i really think he loves musturbating more than having sex. I've asked him to have sex with me more, then he had sex with me like three or four times a week, but one sex a night, but after a while he said sex became like his job and it got boring. Since then he has sex with me twice or once a week. he seems like he's under pressure that he has to make me come when we have sex, as he always without failing ask me if i come. that's why he can't enjoy sex, i assume. but i want to have good sex as we used to. what am i supposed to do? I asked him about more sex, and he said he couldn't, even if he started having sex more for me, i know he can't enjoy. he would do it simply because i asked him for it, and it will get boring for him again. do i have to simply be calm about it, and let him do whatever? or leave him for someone who has high sex drive? do any guys out there feel the same way? i mean, does anyone prefers musturbating than having sex? i'm confused, and don't know what to do.
  11. Does this seem normal? I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a month. In my lifetime, I have had one other sexual partner and had a pretty crummy series of sexual experiences with him over the course of more than a year. I was never once aroused when doing anything with him sexually (kissing included) and had come to the conclusion that something was fundamentally wrong with my libido. Because of this, I think I developed a little bit of a fear response to being pursued by a guy. Or being the object of his sexual interest. Because I was never interested before and it made me feel crappy and miserable. With this new guy I was shocked and surprised to discover that the first time we made out I was turned on by him. A great deal! And each time I saw him after that, almost without exception, I had the same experience as we tentatively got to know one another's bodies. But I guess I've been sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. And now that we have had sex I have this fear that maybe it has. Suddenly in the last few days I feel like I have been less receptive to him touching me or kissing me. At times it seems like my cycle is just at a low point. And other times it seems like there is an indirect relationship between what I eat and how aroused I can get. Either when I don't eat enough or when I'm consistently eating a lot of heavy foods that cause me to feel bloated or gassy. It seems like a reasonable explanation (either of them) but it also seems like an incredibly lame excuse for this sudden change, because of the fact that I really like him and have enjoyed being with him so much. I feel kind of let down that we decided to have sex on a day that, for whatever reason, I wasn't getting too terribly aroused beforehand. But I decided to go ahead with it because I felt like, otherwise, it was the right time. I guess my question is, does it sound like it's probably just something physiological causing this? Is it normal for the cycle to totally bottom out like that, hormonally? I tend to have very irregular periods, so it's hard for me to know. Or do you think maybe because of the irregularity there might be some actual problems with my hormone levels that make me act all wonky like this. I feel like its unfair for him to have to deal with all this stuff with me because hes been nothing but nice and considerate to me so far. But it worries me because it seems like the more I notice these problems, the more I become worried about them. And they play in my head at key moments and make things even worse. And, the most concerning thing is, they make me feel nervous around him and guilty and seem to cause me to not feel as giddy and excited about him in general. It makes me worry that maybe there wasn't enough there to support a relationship in the first place--that it was all physical or something. Though I suspect not. So, what causes what? Could the worrying about something perfectly normal be causing me to sabotage my relationship? Or might there be something actually missing there? I hope not. Or could it just be that I've only been with him a month and I'm not giving myself time? He seems so much more sure than I am. Grr! Why does it have to be so complicated?? Thanks for reading and for any advice.
  12. Im a 44 yr old married man with a wife who had a low sex drive, she then needed Celexa ( only drug of many that works for her) and now has almost no sex drive. Before she went on Celexa she told me about the risk, I said "What ever it takes to help you". I would rather take medication to reduce my libido than go for one nite flings, a girlfriend or an escort service. A couple times a year doesnt do it for me. Masterbation obviously helps, but maybe for only another year. I hope you know of a medication to lower my drive.
  13. I do not like what my penis represents and I loath what it keeps telling me but I am neither gay nor willing to chop it off.. I would like to stop the signals it gives me.. how do I lower/stop my sex drive? I heard that black willow bark is good but cant find anywhere to buy the stuff.. I get plenty of spam in my email about "INCREASE SHLONG AND DRIVE!!!", well wheres the "LOWER LIBIDO AND DISTRACTING INSTINCTS!!" ones, I would click in an instant..
  14. My girlfriend of 4 years told me she just needs time to think. Our relationship has been rough lately. She says she is 22 years old and in college. she has been in college for going on a year and a half. I know she is having fun with her friends and going to parties but thats fine. she always has her cell phone on. Except if she knows i will call when we are arguing. then she will turn it off. Well last night her cell phone was off at 9:40p.m. And her friends always get her to go out and party. She will do anything for her friends. and i know that one of her friends is trying to hook up with this guy and my girl and her and always together. She tells me she just needs time for herself and to hang out with friends. Which we used to have sex all the time and now it is like every once in a while. I know i cant compare her sex drive with mine but her sex drive and our relationship is rough, her interest level is not in me right now. Someone wrote this somewhere he is it: First thing you need to do is to check if there's anything in the relationship that would cause this. Example, becoming less intimate to the point you feel she's pulling from you (this is an early sign of a girl who will either cheat or break up with you). After you've determined if this is not a "sympton of a bad relationship" (btw, be prepared if she cheats...she'll use that previous phrase as her excuse). If not, you just gotta give her the goods, straight up, you cheat one more time...you're gone....plain and simple. Don't accept her excuse, you have to make her know this is NOT ACCEPTABLE...otherwise she'll just keep on doing it.. Well i dont know if she is cheating on me i love her and trust her and will give her the benefit of the doubt but she isnt doing nothing to prove me otherwise. Help me out Especially the woman
  15. Me and my girlfriend of one year used to have an awesome sex life. But about 4 monthes ago she lost her sex drive. There were few moments here and there during the last 4 monthes where shed be in the mood but it only lasted for a day. The thing is, she says it has nothing to do with me and shes still attracted to me. I still treat her just as good as i always have. One reason I though might be causing this is that shes bi-polar, and shes going through a depresion cycle right now, so maybe thats doing it. But it's been 4 monthes with no sex drive. I didn't think it was humanly possible to go that long with no desire for sex. She also said that this never happened to her before, and also that this is the longest relationship shes ever been in. She says that she doesnt find anybody sexually attractive, so it's not just me. What can we do?
  16. I don't really know how to put this. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. My sex drive has always been less than his, but it seems lately he wants it all the time, while I really am never in the mood. There when I am in the mood, he is not around. It seems like I am pleaseing me more than he is. I just don't know how to fix this. I don't really like the way I look even though he says he does, and I get nervous when it is time for the two of us to make love. I have been trying to do it anyway but I can tell the effect is not the same. If anyone has any advice I would really appriciate it. I don't want to lose him over something like this, but I don't want to force myself into doing something that I don't seem capable of doing as often as he wants me to.
  17. I am 26 and my husband is 35 he never wants to have sex we have been dealing with this ever since we got married. I have had him go to the Drs and there is nothing physically wrong with him. I am very unhappy about this situation and I feel that its so unfair of him to trap me in a marriage that has no intamcy. But we have 4 kids and I do love him and I know he loves me. Any advice would be good advice Thanks'
  18. Of course they do! You know, the double standard is pretty ridiculous. Men are being strong, thorough men that are sewing their wild oats because they have a healthy sex drive, but women are looked at as "ladies of the night" because they desire sex the same way. This is really backwards thinking, and what's more is the fact that I'm a MAN. To take it even further, I LOVE women... beautiful, intelligent, spunky women. What do you think the double standard is all about? I think that there are a lot of different aspects to it. There are many women (I know a lot of them personally) that have very strong sexual desires that they want to let loose. The thing is, they don't just want the physical act. They also want to embrace the mental and emotional feelings that come along with a healthy sex drive. Isn't this the same thing men want (or should want)? I don't care what man you talk to... most men have been with a woman that has 'rocked their boat'. The powerful effect that that woman had on that man was not purely physical... it couldn't be. It was a total mind, body, and soul experience. The same thing applies to women. The only difference is that women DO naturally tie the mental and emotional into the physical act, while many men are not that advanced yet. In my opinion, this is what the problem is. Think about it... it seems to be expected in society that men can do things that make us look enormously stupid and disrespectful, but we are "just being men" when we do it. Many men in today's world think that they are being a man because they are able to get a woman pregnant, but aren't man enough to stay around and handle the responsibility for the long haul because they now think the girl was being a "ho" for sleeping with him and getting pregnant. This doesn't make sense! At the same time, a woman may make a mistake and get pregnant by a man that is no good because she truly wanted to raise a child and start a family, but she is now looked at as trash. Here's the deal: Women... there is nothing wrong with having a strong sex drive. However, when you begin to exploit it in a way that makes sex your only attribute, you will be used, abused, and tossed to the side. Don't accept anything less than a man who has the same kind of passions that burn in you. If you want the total package, but are only getting part of it from your boyfriend or husband, is it really the best situation for YOU? Probably not. Men... women have strong sex drives too! It is probably stronger than most men because it is more developed, and it's been supressed for so long. Mind, body, and soul is involved. That means that it is something to handle gently and passionately, instead of frivalously and with no regard. Get in touch with your emotional sexual side, and you will find that you are having better relationships, and better sex. Lets make our relationships last!
  19. Not sure if anyone can provide me with some insight...I am sooo confused. Basically I am 30 yo and have been with my husband since I was 18. We have been married for 7 years. My husband and I are basically the best of friends, we talk about absolutely EVERYTHING! He is loving, caring, sensitive...everything you could ask for in a husband. We have had a very volatile relationship with many extreme ups and downs but we have kept working on staying together...one main reason being is that my husband suffers from depression. Early on in our relationship we had a problem with an extremely lacking sex life due to my low sex drive. Over the years I have managed to work out my issues and have actually succeeded in increasing quite significantly my interest in sex. IN the meantime my husband has switched off his sex drive in order to protect himself over the years and we have found ourselves in a reversal of the early years. On the weekend I went to a party and met a guy there and we flirted and ended up kissing....it was sooo thrilling (I realise that this is just lust!). I told my husband about it and he wasn't at all concerned and suggests it a normal reaction after being together for so long. He also suggested that in the future if I'm tempted to just have sex as long as I come back to him in the end. I'm not sure that I want this kind of relationship but I'm also not sure that I want to give up what I have with him as I don't know if I'll find better elsewhere. I do love my husband but do I stay with him because he's my best friend or do I leave to pursue romance???? HELP!!
  20. .....for the women that come here that suffer from a lower sex drive............ What do you need from you mate? And I am not talking about what can they do to convince you to have sex, but rather what do you want from them in order for you not to feel so pressured? I have been doing as much reading as I could and I have tried everything I can think of that might 'spark' an increasing desire. But it has not help much. Ever since my wife took on a different, more stressful career and then trying to juggle that with home duties, often it leaves her with little time or "WANT" to be intimate. Although she wants me to hold her at night and kiss her good buy every morning................when sex comes into play, she is tired, not in the mood or just rolls over and does seem to enjoy it. I think some of it is stress. Some of it is her personality, she does want to see herself as a sexy person or have others see her that way. Do any of you take medication to deal with low sex drive? Is there such a thing? Lost
  21. I really don't know where to start. I guess I will say that I am miserable right now due to my husband's low sex drive. He is perfectly fine having sex maybe once a week. It is driving me nuts. I have dealt with this problem for two years. He seemed to be more interested before. I have not changed my looks, weight, and many people find me very attractive. I have tried talking to him, begging, role playing, lingerie, bondage, candles, lotions, games, and any other thing that has come to mind. I am willing to do anything. The worst part is when we do have sex, it lasts 15 minutes. I have not orgasmed, and he just finishes. He says that I am not as nice as I used to be! Gee I wonder why? He has never really been interested in sex and I believe 99% that he is not cheating. I just can't come to find a way to make this marriage happy. I am definitely sticking with him. I am not a cheater, but sex never leaves my mind. I hope someone can help me. I am new to this website and would like help. I feel I have tried EVERYTHING. Men please give me some insight.
  22. Hello to everyone on this forum and thanks for taking the time to read this and answer honestly. I maried last year, it was a quickie, didn't know him very well, but he seemed so perfect for me. I was sure to ask him about his sex drive as I have been married before. He said he had an average sex drive and that it was always his ex's problem not wanting sex. So I thought I could work on his self esteem, show him how he could please me sexually, and give him a lot of praise. I was very patient with him. But our sex life is almost non-existent. It is always me to initiate things. I asked him why, is he not attracted to me? doesn't he get sexual feelings for me when he sees me dressed sexy or in a sexy position, etc. He says he NEVER even thinks of sex and he has very little sex drive. He is 10 years older than me, could this be the reason? For me sex is a big part of a relationship. It is the combining of two souls, the sharing of pleasure to someone you love. I don't know what to do. Is anyone else married to someone who is asexual and what have they done to meet their needs?
  23. Hey all! I have been dating a really nice guy for about 8 weeks now. We waited to have sex and became intimate on Valentine's Day. I have a question regarding libido. I am relatively inexperienced when it comes to dating- I've only ever had one long term relationship. That particular relationship became toxic...however, the sexual passion and excitement was so intense and the sex was amazing. Sex is very important to me and I would be the happiest having it at least once a day... or at least everytime I see the person I'm dating. It makes me feel connected to the other person and it is a big factor in how I develop feelings. This new guy seems to have a very mismatched libido compared to me. He does not initiate passionate kissing, touching, etc. When we have sex he is very quiet, and doesn't seem to enjoy the act as much as I do. Is this a deal breaker or should I give it more time? I am confident that as our bond grows I will feel comfortable communicating with him my need for sex... however, I like to feel desired and wanted. I'm beginning to put him in the friend zoned. Is this headed nowhere or should I wait it out. If I'm going to experience passion with someone, i usually find the attraction intense at the beginning. Im worried that if the passion is that lackluster during the honeymoon dating period, it will never happen! Thoughts???
  24. In the past couple of months my boyfriend of 2 years has stopped being interested in anything sex related. Whenever he thinks, sees or does anything sex related he feels physically sick and recently he has stopped even thinking about it. On top of that he now says that sex is boring and is something only for teenagers. I don’t have much of an idea about what is causing this and neither does he. We have still been having sex occasionally, But only when we haven’t seen eachother in a few days, our reunions always result in sex for a few days with him interested but then he loses interest after 2-3 days and we then go months without. It’s not just me as he doesn’t watch porn anymore but he used to love it. He also tells me that he’s wants to want to have sex with me but he simply doesn’t want to. The reason I have come for advice is because I’m struggling to come to terms with what is happening, I often feel as though he is not attracted to me anymore and this is some how my fault. At one point he told me that this is partly caused by me ‘stressing him out too much’ :/. I’m also struggling with the fact that we used to have a lot of sex and I still want that but he no longer does and I’m frustrated and wondering what I can do to stop that. I would like advice on what the problem might be and how to fix it. But if this is something that doesn’t need fixing or is permanent then I would like to know how to deal with it considering I am still very much interested in him, am I just going to have to accept that I’ll probably not get to have sex ever again?
  25. Hello, I had a post about this while I was pregnant. I thought our sexual life would get better after delivery, but boy i was wrong.. It has been 10 weeks since I gave birth and he only initiated sex once after a fight over lack of sexual intimacy at our relationship. This same person is around me all the time. He even almost follows me to the bathroom when I am not around. His hands are always on me, he wants to kiss and cuddle all the time. However, no kiss or touch ever leads to anything more. When I finally asked him he said my attitude turns him off. Well, he had been turned off for a year now. I thought i would have a regular sexual life when i got married, but I live in total disappointment. He used to be a lot better... And now I resent him so much about making me feel unwanted. I am starting to fall out of love and see him as a roommate. Moreover, I started to fantasize about other potential sexual partners I might have in the future, my second marriage... yeah i am married and am thinking about making a better marriage with someone else (totally hypothetical person) already. What do I need to do? Obviously I want to save my relationship, but i feel like we are in danger zone
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