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sonjam

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Everything posted by sonjam

  1. sonjam
    I think it was very selfish of you mother to burden you with something like this - her mistakes, shortly before you have to start of with your own happy everafter. I agree that you should tell her you appreciate her trust in you for talking to you, but that you cannot take sides, won't and that it is something they should sort out themselves.
  2. sonjam
    Dako made a very interesting observation. Obviously when a study is done, a sample of a population is taken, and the results are based on that. Now to get pregnant, willingly or accidentally happens. So obviously the sample would include parents from both those. Where as to adopt, is a process, nothing accidental about it. Now it is my believe that if you plan for your child, and want it badly, you will invest in its future as much as any parent would, with the added bond of carrying the child in your womb, and having the fulfilling experience of seing your own eyes, nose and personality traits in your child. Often people who just "have" kids, or get them by accidentally fall pregnant don't invest in the child, they are just there, and have to adjust to the parent's lifestyle, who inevitably resist to changing their lifestyle, since they didn't want or plan for the child to start off with. In a statistical analysis this will obviously reflect very badly on the natural parents group, as you won't have that element in the adoptive parents group, but I detest the fact that is is "generalised". I totally disagree with the statement the study is making. The sample should only come from people who planned parenthood, and wanted it badly enough.
  3. sonjam
    I agree, Gemini, sending him another e-mail to tell him you don't want to talk to him anymore, will just spark more confrontation, and more discussions about not discussing anything anymore. Simply ignore his existence, and move on. You KNOW you will never get full closure. Make peace with it and move on!
  4. sonjam
    Feeling threatened and upset by illegal aliens doesn't make you a racist at all. You have the right to expect the best education for your child, and get your money's worth. These people pour in from all over, with no education, no money, and a different culture. There is a very big difference between culture and racism. I should know - I'm a white person living in South Africa, renowned for "appartheid" and past racism. We have exactly the same problem here, but for us it is very much under the microscope, so we dare not say anything - else it would be blasted off as racism again. The truth of the matter is, we have millions of illegals here too, thy simply pour into our Country from Mozambique, Botswana and Nigeria. With them they bring weapons, drugs, and violence. Most of the killings and abductions here is caused by illegal aliens. This doesn't make me a racist, since I can live peacefully with my black, brown and yellow neighbours - however I feel if they can afford to stay where I stay, and send their children to my child school, they are welcome in my neighbourhood. If not, then they should be in a state school, and in another neighbourhood. We work hard, (we are both working parents) to stay where we do, and send our child to a good school. Others can accomplish the same for their family- but not at my expense. Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on them, and don't see myself a rich and them poor, (there will always be a difference and I will not be able to do much about that). The biggest problem for me is cultural. Some of the tribes believe in slaugtering live animals in their back yard, and doing strange rituals. They don't really have a high regard for life, and will think nothing of killing their newborn babies or abusing their wifes and children. They eat with their hands, and prefer to sit on the floor. They grew up that way, and that is how it is. Fortunately the newer generation (those born in the westernised society) is turning away from that type of thing, and often now, you cannot see much of the old ways. They are exactly like us! And I welcome them with open arms! I guess given time, and a bit of patience from people like us, they will start fitting into our society, and start contributing to our countries. We have a bit of intollerance, and I guess that is normal, I don't suppose if I pitch up in Canada, because the situation becomes unbearable here, and I don't have a work permit, and send my child to a school and she can't talk french, they would welcome me with open arms. I will definitely also expect a bit of hostility. That is not racism, it's normal and to be expected. ............. so no, I don't think you are a racist at all. And neither am I!!
  5. sonjam
    Ok, so there was a faint line in the Test window? Read this from midstream early pregnancy website I would definitely not think everything was negative. Give it a few more DAYS (not weeks) and test again. If you are pregnant your HCG count will rapidly increase, so you should get a difinative answer shortly, alternatively, go for bloodwork!
  6. sonjam
    Listen, some tests are sensitive enough to give a positive result as soon as 2 days BEFORE your next menstrual period. Since you have now officially gone OVER the date of the start of your period, Im sure it will show positive if it is. If it gives you a negative result, and you are still unsure then take another test a week later... but just TAKE THE TEST ALREADY will you!!!
  7. sonjam
    His mother cannot be his life partner. You can. She can't keep him to herself forever, and that is probably her attetude. Tell me, did she also dislike his previousl g/f's?
  8. sonjam
    Finding your roots may be a very fulfilling experience for you, and might bring closure to your nagging concerns about your bio parents - Agreed But what I'm trying to say is, don't push the people that raised you into the person that you are to the side.
  9. sonjam
    Good for you! Well done, stay strong, the worst is over. You might wonder if you did the right thing, and you might get lonely, but if you know in your heart, that this relationship was not right for you anymore, then you did the right thing for YOU. And that is who you should be thinking of first now.
  10. sonjam
    This is what link removed has to say
  11. sonjam
    No, no - that is not what I'm saying at all! I'm saying It COULD indicate that there MIGHT be a pregnancy - only a blood or urine test will be able to tell you. Your period might just be late, due to a variety of factors.
  12. sonjam
    Well, you are obviously trying to get pregnant, and by the looks of things, you might have been able to do it.... so .... go buy the test, and take it!
  13. sonjam
    Well there are a few things to considder. If you have a regular 28 day cycle, then what days were you having sex? Normally 10 to 14 days after the FIRST day of your last period is you most fertile days.... calculate those.... then are you using contraceptives? If you are on the pill, did you use antibiotics during the last month (sometimes the cancell out the pil) Did you drastically lose weight, or exercise or stress this month? It could have an effect on your cycle! Spotting on the day your period is supposed to start can be implantation bleeding, when a new ovum implants into your uterus to become a baby. The best thing for you to do to be sure, is get a home pregancy test!
  14. sonjam
    What a deceitfull girl! Alex, I'm sorry for your loss man. The one thing I hope your learned from this experience is the need to keep it REAL. Secrecy is never the way to go. If you cannot be open and upfront about your relationship to everybody, then there is always more secrecy that you probably don't know about.
  15. sonjam
    Girl, it's never really anybody elses fault if you cheat. It takes you and another person... Not you, your partner, and another. So the blame game is not a good one to play. You did wrong, you confessed you are forgiven. I can see that you feel horrible about it, and the probable reason is the one you saw for yourself, you broke your husbands heart, and now feel terrible about it. How about trying to channel all the negative energy you are experiencing through your anxiety, into positive energy - and try to work on your marraige, work on the things you might have contributed to you feeling neglected, or angry, or frustrated? That way you will get a few thorns out of the way, and continue to have a happy and healthy marraige! We all make mistakes from time to time. These things happen. I sugest you FORGIVE YOURSELF, as your husband forgave you, and move on. If you keep bringing your sins into the conversation you are not really letting anybody else forget about them are you?
  16. sonjam
    Lonelygirl, do you think your life is in danger right now? Are you safe and your kids safe? Then you need to THINK about leaving. There is no need to hop into a car and flee the scene, as you are not getting beat up on a regular basis by a person that flies off the handle by the drop of a hat. You have to take into considderation that you will be uprooting your childrens's lives, as well as your own. The fact that you should leave speaks for itself, now you need to think about it clearly, and plan your exit. Make sure you tell a trusting source about your plans, make sure you know where to go, what to do about the kids schooling, about money, about your job. Don't just hop in a car and drive into the sunset. all this has to happen in secret, you understand, but it is in your and your kids best interest if you think this plan through thoroughly, and get a close friend, or member of your family involved to help.
  17. sonjam

    my marraige

    sonjam replied to deny's topic in Infidelity

    Deny, welcome to enotalone, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Are you ok, did he come home (i'm wondering if something bad might have happened to him?) The only way to save the marraige is to get some councilling, and if you decide to continue in the marraige you really need to put this behind you, look forward and carry on. There is nothing like an old cow scenario to ruin all the possibilities of ever trying again. But then you need to know and believe that it will not happen again. Communication - that is the key! I hope you are ok!
  18. sonjam
    Ok, but you said you broke of the relationship due to other reasons, not the possibility of cheating, so the fact that Meg and her friend had stories to tell was really not the big reason for the breakup. I'm sorry your heart is broken. It is always hard to be in a LDR, especially when there is not complete trust between the two partners.
  19. sonjam
    Sarah, I hear that you say you don't want to, nor have you ever planned to get married to this guy, but why, oh why are you wasting your precious youth on him them? Mr Right is out there, just waiting for you, while you are putting up with a married idio'ts troubles! You are worth more than this my girl, get out of this, let him sort out his own marital problems, who cares what the wife wants or needs to get out, it's their marraige, not yours.
  20. sonjam
    Doyathink, that was very well said, and err... well observed!! Yasmina, I admire your courage and strenth, you are strong, I wish more people could be like you. This is going to be a HUGE loss for this guy, and he's only going to realise it, now that he lost you.
  21. sonjam
    I’ve grown up without a Dad, and wanted to meet him when I grew up. My mom always pretended not to know anything about him, and I felt the same way you did Mitch. Then one day I decided, like you, to go out and find him. Before I did I had a talk to my mom. She basically told me there is a reason you are growing up without him. First of all he obviously didn't want you (hence the adoption for you), second of all there was alcoholism and abuse - he abused us kids and my mom before he left (when I was 3). So she had to get a restraining order against him, but after I turned 16 he was free to contact me, if he so wished. He never did. I still perused the idea of finding him. When I did I was horrified. He was a homeless drunk. He felt sorry for himself and had no interest in my feelings. He was a stranger to me. I felt no connection to him. I know now, the things that makes a DAD is love, happiness, attention, respect, and the fact that a person takes part in raising your into the person you become. Any idiot with sperm can become a FATHER but that doesn’t mean anything in a person’s life. Say thank you to your PARENTS, your mom and dad. They took it on themselves to love and care for you since you were a baby. Being somebody’s biological parents doesn’t mean anything if you never raised your child.
  22. sonjam
    Duffy. I've been following your thread and I want to say I feel for you. Parenting a troublesome teenager cannot be fun, and doesn't just sit in anybody's pants! This is my take on things... Your child has been BRANDED by you to be a brat, lazy, slob, selfish and all the other bad words. She's always felt that vibes from you, her parents, and so she became that person. You don't expect any less of her! Her behaviour should be addressed, not her person. Example? When she does something really annoying or naughty. DO NOT SAY "You are so annoying/disrespectfull/lazy etc (insert words here)". Then you are putting a label on her. It's very hard to shake a label. Rather adress the behaviour. "What you are doing right now is disrespectfull etc. In our family we always try to respect each other etc." I think she is not in touch with you, or her feelings for that matter. She is a very frustrated, unhappy and angry little girl. When she is acting out, and you ask her what is she feeling right now, she will probably not be able to list a single emotion like, angry, disappointed, frustrated, unhappy, sad or happy, glad etc. That is the biggest probability for the blowups, she has no idea of how to handle her emotions. When a child and parent works together, they learn to identify the emotions the child (and parent) is feeling, then they learn ways to chanel these emotions into positive ways - and learn to deal with blowups in a more constructive way. The last thing I want to say is this: DICIPLINE for kids means TEACHING not PUNISHING. The word punish and Child (in my opinion) should never be in the same sentence. How about you and your wife go for parenting classes? Im not saying you are bad parents at all, but sometimes it helps to invest the time to learn strategic and positive ways of dealing with your kids, in the long run, it will be very positive and uplifing for the whole family. If you don't want to do that, the very least you could do is read this book " KIDS, PARENTS, AND POWER STRUGGLES By Mary Sheedy Kurcinka" Read an excerpt here link removed Good luck and keep us posted!
  23. sonjam
    Deadinside2 I hope you are ok. Please let us know, as we take special interest in you and worry! We are all here if you need to discuss anything, need and ear to listen, or a plan. Stay strong!
  24. sonjam
    That's right Juliana, if it were not for the fact that we are one of the countries with the highest HIV/Aids infection rate, it would have actually been funny! But he's enforcing wrong and poor education among the poor and rural communities here. They believe raping children or having sex with virgins will cure the disease. Then there is our health minister who believes it can be cured with beetroot, and garlic. She made a spectacle of us at the Word Aids Summit! Anyway, back to the topic.
  25. sonjam
    Here in good old SA, our ex Deputy President got off for "raping" a girl - his defense was that she was wearing a short skirt, and didn't fight him off when he came to her room in the night to give her a back rub, because she was tense. he proceeded to rape her, with his wife in his own room, and took a shower - telling the public he did that because she is HIV positive, and this would help him not to get it. It was a joke of a case, it was ultimately a “he said, she said”, and the judge could not prove beyond reasonable doubt that he DID indeed rape her (she also reported rapes 2 x previously and to my astonishment, jeopardized her credibility), so he was found not guilty. It's just so strange to me how "laws" can be so different all over the world, but the acts against the victims are still the same. Where is the justice in that? he ruined her life, because as far as his culture is concerned, wearing short skirts is "asking for it"... in his own words......
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