I will do this

Because I was charmed by the sweet talk and the promise to go to counceling together. The counciling worked for awhile and then everything went back to the way it had been before.

Hello this is the first time I have ever posted anything on the net and was curious if anyone out there can relate to my situation. I would love to hear any comment or advise. I'd like to begin by saying that before I was in this relationship I was a very strong, capable, independent woman. I am a teacher and often do home visits where I work with women who are in abusive situations and can recite all the warning signs as well as the necessary steps to get out and back on their feet. I know all the resources in my community for abused women and how to access them. I am a mother of two wonderful boys (9 & 14) and have several loving friends whom I could call upon in any time of need. I know I am more fortunate than some and for that I am truly grateful. All that being said I am at this moment in the first day of ending a 7year abusive relationship. My day began today with a pounding on my door and window, then a barage of horrible names and accusations. All the while I needed to get ready for work and my kids up and ready for school. (Yes I did say I know the steps to get out.) My kids day began with their mother waking them up and turning the TV up so hopefully they didn't hear all the names I was being called. I knew from last nigts visit from our local police department (very, very small town) that I was not going to get any help from them in getting him to leave. They told me that because we had a previously established relationship that their hands were tied since I had dropped the restraining order I requested in the past. They were going to ask him to leave but if he came back don't bother calling because there was nothing they could do. I am fairly sure this is illegal and tried telling the officer this to no avail. Anyway on with my dilema, the kids and I got ready to leave and I needed to make sure the coast was clear to run to the car (I hid it the night before because of the threats he was making to do damage so I couldn't go to work at all). The time came when we could sneak out one door and make a run for it while he was on the other side of the house. A wonderful way for my kids to begin their day huh!! I do know this is wrong. We have been here before countless times. My problem, I'm sure you are wondering, is I have always gone back and agreed to give it "one more chance" This morning once we got into the car my 14 yr old son asked "mom I hope you don't go talk to him this time." I asked what he meant and he said " He always says mean things to you and you always talk to him and then you let him come back but he will only do it again." I know he is right and I know the damage I am allowing to happen to my children as a result of living in fear like this. I don't ever plan on going back because "I know better" and each time I truly mean it. The problem is each time I do end up going back. Even today after he called me at work while I was in the classroom they put an urgent call through and it was him begging me to help him because his truck was sitting on the side of the road out of gas, and he has always been there for me so if his truck was towed it was my fault. He thought I cared more about him than that. When I refused and hung up he only called again with the same urgent call that was put through. Now I know I cannot get calls like this while I'm working so I agreed to pick him up after work and take him to get gas if he would be civil. Obviously he agreed, I was doing what he wanted again. I'm sure you can imagine what happened when I picked him up and tried to help him get his truck off the road. The money I was going to give him for gas wasn't enough and I may as well not even helped in the first place and on and on. All of this taking place on the side of the freeway and he had taken my keys out of the ignition so I couldn't drive away. Eventually 45 minutes later I managed to talk him down and he got out and I drove off. This leads me to why I'm writing and looking up resources for myself instead of someone else. Maybe if I look at this from my own perspective or ask for feedback to my own situation then it may be more meaningful. I don't plan on taking him back ever again, and I will not help him or talk to him as this doesn't work anyway. Everything is always my fault. He gambled away 1,000 of his paycheck this weekend and of course it was my fault because I wasn't there to hold onto his money for him and stop him when he was spending too much. That didnt' work either by the way because when I did hold onto his money he only called me different names and accused me of trying to steal money from him. Ok I know I'm babbling and got off target there for a minute. Anyway I am not going to let him pursuade me into taking him back, and I also know I have said that so many times in the last 3 years I can no longer count them. I know he doesn't believe me, my kids don't and most of my friends won't either. We have been down this road too many times. I don't even blame them, I am a little scared too. I know this abuse will not change, I know I have to be strong and make a clean quick break and want to with all my heart and soul. I did every other time too. I also went back every other time as well. I don't want to go back ever. I want it over, I want to move on. I have recently taken a loan to pay off all my debt that I have acrewed due to letting him have my credit cards or bank card. It was easier to just give in than to go through the hours of ranting I got if I told him no. I did get him to move out last year and we have been more off than on since then but he still has all this controll. I know he wouldn't have it unless I allowed it as well. I want to stay strong and have every intentions of doing so but sometimes when he corners me and won't let me leave till I give in... Well its just easier to give in than continue to try to reason with someone who can't see things rationally when hes in a rage. When he's happy he is a wonderful man whom I truly love with all my heart. It's all those times when he is out of his mind mad and ranting I cant't deal with. So anyone out there ever been in a situation like this. I have no excuses, I know better, I know what it's doing to me and my kids, I know what I have to do to get out and stay out, I have a wonderful support group of long time friends, and I somehow end up back in the relationship and try giving him one more chance. One more chance got old about 3 chances ago... Love to hear anyones feedback.