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Aurian last won the day on December 15 2006

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  • Birthday 08/08/1979

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  1. Maybe try word it in a way thay she might not take offense to? Try word it as something you would do TOGETHER (no fingerpointing), to try find ways to communicate better so that both are happy? I wonder if having a counselor referee would actually satisfy her "I want you to find someone who agrees with you" thing.... That actually makes me wonder if her mother is influencing her in some way, pushing at her to move home again, so when the arguments crop up, she wants numbers.... A sign of insecurity there I guess. As for the dog, I LUV dogs, and actually let them on the bed. HOWEVER, I also lay down clear rules and my dog is well-trained and obedient. The dog has places he can go, and places he cannot go. I fully understand not wanting a dog everywhere, and if her dog is badly trained, I can see feeling even more uncomfortable. Maybe sign up for a dog obediance course together - as both an activity to do together and as a way to teach the dog some manners?
  2. Go to your User CP (it should be at the blue bar at the top of your screen, the one furthest to the left). In there, you should see user options. In this link you can turn on or off the ability to receive "PMs"
  3. Anytime, I hope that things will settle down and that things will go better with the two of you.
  4. Yes, I am another former victim of an emotional abuser. I left about 3 years ago, and am so much happier these days (and with someone who treats me right!). I know how hard it is to leave - they are masters at jerking at your empathy and sympathy, and making you feel like you just need to try a little bit harder to get the person you fell in love with back.... They are also masters at blaming you for everything and making you believe it.... I understand how hard it is to leave, despite all the crap they do to you. Be strong, its like trying to control the cravings for an unhealthy addiction. Eventually the cravings will go away.... I found it helpful to be angry when I started to feel sad/missing him. Being angry helped me focus on why I was leaving. You can also check out the articles in my signature below - they are very helpful! Feel free to type away here if you need to get out your thoughts, feelings, etc.
  5. This might be one reason you are feeling over-analytical - the fact that you have to analyze and try figure out problems because she is having trouble talking about them. Is the way she talks about them emotional and accusing? ("YOu do this, YOU don`t do that....") There are articles online about how to discuss tough subjects in a less accusing way. Have you asked about other ways to discuss things? I know I certainly find it easier to write stuff down and get my bf to read them sometimes. I can calm down and edit what I say so that my concerns and feelings come accross without being harsh. I would hope that you two can find ways to discuss things without being too scary for either of you. I guess she is feeling that sex has gotten routine, but is having trouble expressing what she would like. I guess she is either using the porn for ideas or is taking care of herself... Have you asked her what she would like? Maybe some fantasies to spice things up?
  6. Okay, first off calm down. Telling someone you love them so much you want to kill yourself for them is not the way to go. It really does feel like blackmail and makes BOTH of you more upset and emotional. Its hard to trust someone after a big lie. The best thing you can do is to be honest and talk about it if he needs to. He needs to come to grips with this lie (an affair? Are you married then?), and you need to explain why you did lie. Hopefully in the future, you will be honest instead of trying to hide behind a lie because when they come to light, its not pretty... He needs time to come to grips with this and to learn how to trust you again. You need to give him that time, instead of panicking.
  7. YOu might get more responses if you broke up that wall O' text into paragraphs... it is a bit hard to read. My advice is to just try be a friend for now, because this woman needs to straighten out her life first. If you try push things and want to date her, she will probably be a mess still. It is very hard for a victim to break free from an abuser. She needs to have time to sort herself out and time to find her feet before dating again. She might be interested in you, she might not be. But you are asking for heartbreak if you try date her now.
  8. Great story, very vivid. My only suggestion (other than grammer cleanups) would be to put the part about not having food and water at the beginning. First you say how beautiful she used to be, then talk about how food became the enemy, and then the result. When you jump right into the result, I think it is less dramatic.
  9. Sorry about that first guy... what a jerk! My first love was a huge jerk, but he was very sweet and charming for two years before he changed and became outright abusive. I am in my first relationship now post-jerk. I was very scared to trust again when I ended that first relationship, but I had time to think over things and I have come to some conclusions: 1 - take things slowly and give yourself time to get to know a guy. 2 - actions mean a lot more than words. First guy was a huge sweet-talker, but the person I am with now is very sweet and thoughtful with ACTIONS instead of words. Talk is cheap! 3 - Some guys are very good at hiding the red flags, but will often leave a lot of yellow flags - slightly disturbing things that you shrug off as being too small to worry about. One or two yellow flags are okay, but if you stop and count up the yellow flags and they're either showing a pattern or are adding up, then hit the brakes and think about what is happening! My ex didn't show any red flags back in the initial period, but I had quite a collection of yellow flags that I should have paid more attention to. 4 - listen to your gut. If you're feeling uncomfortable, LISTEN to your feelings! Don't let the other person give you excuses, what does your gut and your head say? Its so easy to cling to excuses when you want to love the guy, but you got to listen to yourself as well. 5 - trust... but trust with your eyes wide open.
  10. Your wish is my command! link removed Excellent article on losers...
  11. On the flip side, the Internet has places like this one for advice and help. I definitely got the help and support I needed here to leave my abusive marriage. It may have dragged out for longer if I didn't have some impartial people tell me that he was full of BS and that I WASN"T being "too sensitive" to his nasty emails and demands.
  12. I dunno about being aloof or girls constantly being chased by guys. I'm not bad-looking, yet I don't get chased on a regular basis! In fact, if a guy is too aloof, I get the feeling he's not interested and drop out. I like attention from someone I am interested in (and I give a lot of attention back!), so if I am feeling ignored or like he is too "cool" I move on and stop pursueing. In my mind, it means he is either uninterested or playing games, neither of which causes interest from myself. Different girls react differently to different things though. That's why men can never figure out women! In the end, its best to get yourself out there, take some small risks and most of all, act like yourself!
  13. Yeah, my ex pulled that on me too. He provoked me over and over until I was a mess of tears and then had the nerve to tell me that I was overly emotional and was abusing him. Ugh! I would recommend some counselling. Yes, I do have a few lingering issues still from my own nasty ex, but I have regained my faith in people, feel like a stronger person now (not only from during the abuse, but I feel stronger than I was before i ever met him!) and feel ready to find someone who really IS who my ex initially pretended to be.
  14. Heh, I thought the same thing hazey... I was dating online too and only ever had two boyfriends (current guy is number 2!) Anyways, a bit of shyness/nervousness is attractive. What isn't is putting yourself down! Try watch what you're saying there, because when you tell yourself that you're no good, you believe it and the people who hear it believe it too. Tell yourself that you're good, and you'll believe it and carry yourself with far more confidence. Confidence is very attractive. I've gotten far more admiring looks these days even though I am on the heavy side now. But the difference is that I am confident, and walk like it, instead of being slim, hunched over and sad.
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