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sonjam

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Everything posted by sonjam

  1. sonjam
    When I was divorcing my first husband, I saw a therapist, and in one of my venting sessions, I told him about the horrible cheating person my ex has become. My words were "He will never find another wife like me". To my great surprise, and disillusionment the therapist told me, that although the next girl in his life will not be ME, she might be an even better wife to him than I was. He did not mean to say that I was a bad wife, but what he was trying to tell me, was different people have different personalities, and ways of interacting. The "dynamics" between the two of us was totally different from his new relationship. She related to him in a totally different way than I did, opening up channels of communication, and blockages we had. The truth is, every relationship is unique and works with it's own dynamics. You might find your new GF is open to things in your relationship that your EX never was, becouse the dynamics between you and your new GF is totally different. About the friend thing, how about making new friends, start going out with your GF's circle of friends, she already knows them, and they might be just what you need to broaden your horisons abit.
  2. sonjam
    Poppies, paste it to your bathroom mirror as well. AFFIRMATION works, is sounds really corny, and feels stupid to do, but it sort of changes your subconscious mind into believing the things you tell yourself all the time. You know, having kids with the wrong partner is far worse than not having them at all. If you go out there and meet people, start living your life there is still a lot of choices to be made. Even if you feel you are too old to have kids one day, you could get an instant family (new bf with kids from previous marraige) yes it brings alot of baggage, but it can bring a tremendous amount of joy and fulfillment. And of course there's soooo many orphans out there begging and hoping to find a home and a family of their own. If I could afford it I would adopt a child today, to be a sister/brother to my little one. She's very lonely at home, and only see her friends now and then. I only had her when I was 32, already on the wrong side of 30, but if I am still able to do it, I want another one in a few years time. I think you should stop the negative thoughts, all the things you do, all the things you say, and think revolves around what could have been, what will never be, and him. BROADEN your HORISONS!
  3. sonjam
    Try to stop the negative feelings, and turn it into positive. Think of it this way, you will become the aunt, and anyway sister's with babies are different, to brothers (and wifes) with babies. You and your sister have a close bond, and you will REJOYCE if she has a baby, you will get to help her, visit and play with your little niece, be the big aunty, and it will be great!. ONly thing you have to remember, is visit them, don't stay away becouse there is a new baby! They will love you just as much afterward. But for now, relax about it, she's not pregnant yet, and best of all, talk to her about your fears, and tell her you want very much for her to have a baby, but that you would like to be a part of the process, (maybe even the godmother! ). I'm sure she would love to.
  4. sonjam
    He sounds to me like the type of person that can only function on co-dependency. He breaks up, and then you are supposed to call back and crawl, if you don't then he comes back, and pretends it never happened. He's trying to do power-plays with you. Fortunately you sound like a balanced mature individual, so up to now it has not had any effect on you. Just a warning - these are the first signs of an abusive relationship. Be carefull, and re-considder this relationship carefully.
  5. sonjam
    I can't see why you should not give it to her. You are not venting in the letter, you truly feel this way, and would like to share the feelings with her. It can do no harm, but do respect her wishes if she decides to not be friends with you right now.
  6. sonjam
    Marine 69, are you really talking about the same girl, or are you just using a metaphor?
  7. sonjam
    Poppies, you have been alone now for 4 years already. I think it is time you realise your life is far from over, you still have great years ahead of you, and there are still great men out there just waiting to meet you. problem is they can't meet you if you are sitting in your house, moping and crying over the past. GET YOUR LIFE BACK GIRL! yes you compromised on happiness becouse of his fear of commitment, but now you are doing it to yourself.... Get out there, the world is your oyster, I too suffer from depression,and I know how hard it is to put the one foot in front of the other to get out that door, and start doing stuff. Take a deep breath, stop feeling sorry for yourself and FORCE yourself out there. The first time is the hardest, you won't enjoy it at all, but if you persist, the world will get it's rainbow back, and the sparkle will return to your eye, and your love life. I promise
  8. sonjam
    When in doubt, let go. Clean and simple. You say you are affraid of letting him go, it probably is becouse he's sort of like a "safety net" at the moment. Don't play with his feelings becouse you are not sure if you want him or not. He deserves better! And if you are unsure if you love him or not, maybe the best thing for you is to let go, and play the field so to speak.... It will bring clarity sooner than later.
  9. sonjam
    As always, I know you will do a fabulous job, and this interview will be smooth sailing for you! I will keep my fingers crossed, and send a prayer for you anyway.... (can't hurt!! )
  10. sonjam
    Sounds like all the previous relationships have been VERY short, but kind of abusive. The first thing you need to do is FORGIVE YOURSELF, and then you have to remember that not all men are the same. GIVE YOURSELF permission to be in this wonderfull relationship, tell yourself you deserve it, and that your guy is great, and if you need to, and you are unable to overcome this obstackle, let the new guy in, and share with him your feeling on past relationships. ASSURE him you know he's different, and get his help in soving this issue. That way he's not left out in the cold on why you suddenly turn all gloomy etc. Communication goes a long way in a relationship! Good luck.
  11. sonjam
    I agree with Jurupa, leave them be. Why would you want your little girl to play with a girl like that anyway? Let them be, writing a letter will make things worse than better.
  12. sonjam
    In a situation like this, you have to think what is best for your child. Here's the facts: She does not want to date you You don't want to date her YOu have a son that bind your together for the rest of your lifes. So the best thing to do is be FRIENDLY, you don't have to pay her bills, you have to pay maintenance to help support your child, but for the sake of his growing up as normally as possible, it is best to stay at least platonic friends. You could go on a picnic together, and get along well for the sake of your child. He did not ask to be here, and both of you have a responsibility to put the differences asside, and focus on him. That is the moral responsibility you have. What you do beside that is up to you, date get drunk whatever, but show your son that parents can have a good, grownup, healthy relationship, even if they are not in love anymore, and even if they are not together anymore, they can be sivil, and decent to one another.
  13. sonjam
    This is my first post to this thread, I have been away for the weekend, and I have to say, that I am hanging my head in shame for the way some of you behave here. This girl did not post here about her situation to be JUDGED, INSULTED or belittled. She's already getting that at home. What she is looking for is SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING. If she thought there is nothing wrong with the way she is treated, she would not have turned to us. Abuse victims KNOW they should leave, but it is a lot easier said than done. It is not up to you to ACCUSE her of being a participant, rather than a victim. You are not standing in her shoes, or living her life. We don't know the little details, like he might the be sweetest, kindest, caring person in the whole world, and the friends and family loves him, becouse he might only turn into a beast on the off occasion, when he's had a few drinks, maybe, or he's just in a bad mood. People in this situation tend to balance bad behaviour out with good. This MIGHT be the situation, or he might be threatening her with her life is she leaves. I'm saying, give the girl a break, if you have nothing CONSTRUCTIVE to say, then rather find another thread to post to. Don't make everyting about YOU and YOUR opinions. Orange Soda, I hope you come back to this forum, and I want you to know that whatever you decide, we are here for you, to listen to your story, to help ease the pain, and to help you figure out a way to deal with your situation. Some of us have been in similar situations to yours, and we made it out, eventually. It took me 2 years, it took Hope 5, it can work for you too. Please talk to us, and keep in contact, I for one am very worried about you, and I really really am afraid for your life. I hope the weekend went well, and that you are ok.
  14. sonjam
    here's a question or two: do you eat in public places? Yes or NO Being with people demands much sacrifice from me Yes or no? In group activities, I do whatever is possible to remain quiet yes or no? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you might be suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. Here's a link with more info link removed good luck
  15. sonjam
    At first glance, I honestly thought you had depression, but reading your post, I think it is more like some kind of phobia, you know some people wash their hands constantly, they are affraid of germs, and it becomes and obsession. Although I don't know alot about this sort of thing, I do think it might have something to do with a chemical imbalance in your brain. Why not have it checked out by a psychiatrist?
  16. sonjam
    thing is, he MIGHT be cheating, and hiding, but he might also be lying in a ditch with a knife through his heart!! If I were in that situation, I would file a missing persons report, get the car tracking guys on him, get the cellphone co to trace him, I would do what it takes. First of all, if He's NOT lying in a ditch, it would definitely teach the idiot a lesson, to rather leave, and say they are not coming back, but it is the worst thing to leave, disappear , and say nothing. He has no right to be doing that to his family.
  17. sonjam
    SaRaHmArIe8588, please tell me you took a test, and it was negative??? I really want to know.
  18. sonjam
    First of all, he should not be allowed to TAKE HER ANYWHERE. He does not have a home, and he cant take care of a 2 year old. He should be visiting her with you as supervision. When she grows older he might be able to take her somewhere when he can provide for her. YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS, AS YOU ARE HER PRIMARY CARE GIVER. I understand how you would want him to be in her life etc. but you can't send your child into the world, and not know what is happening with her, if her diaper is being changed, if she's sleeping in a car, or if she has food. MY GOODNESS. Im all upset over this. This might cause fights between you, but if he loves her, he will understand that you are only LOOKING OUT FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD, and so should he, and so will any court of law you take this to. TAKE A STAND, your child is being hurt by all of this.
  19. sonjam
    O, my dear friend. You have been brainwashed to the extent that you think you are being stupid if you say anything to assert yourself. What you are putting up with is not stupid, and you are not stupid for wanting things in your life. He knows the best way to get to you is to do stuff in public, to embarrass you, and it works everytime! Of course you love him. He was not horrible and bad when you met him, he was charming, good looking, and THE ONE! Thing is, time passes and he has shown you his ugly side. The good side is still there, you know it, he just doesn't show it TO YOU anymore. Now what? You have to start looking at YOU. What do you want, need, and expect from you BF? Being aggressive, angry, or even sad and depressed all the time, will only evoke the bad reactions from him. NOT a good idea. What we need to do is CHANGE the behaviour that caused you to end up in this situation. MOST IMPORTANT we have to try and do this without evoking your b/f's temper. Unfortunately, changing the 'RULES OF ENGAGEMENT" is bound to get reaction from him, people always resist change. So we have to start with the little things, and try and not be too open about it at first, until you feel comfortable in yourself. Are you sure you realise that leaving him is the only way, when you are ready? Or do you think that you could change him, and things will be better?
  20. sonjam
    Giarc, Don't think of it as she was taken from us. She has fulfilled her purpose here on earth, even if it was just to teach you, and us, to live life with zeal, and be positive. You have to remember, that all of us will die, and the young and beautifull people sometimes get taken sooner, because they are too beautifull for this world. We are here temporarilly, and our ultimate goal is to fulfill our purpose, lead meaningfull lives here on earh, and then go back to our heavenly father, where we will find eternal life, and happiness. She will be there, happier than ever, and watching over you, and all her other friends. She wil be waiting for you to join her one day, when your time comes. You are very very lucky to have such a wonderfull new guardian angel up in heaven!. The hardest part of this all is, being the ones left behind. Having to go on with life, without their sparkle in it. We miss them, we think of them, and they will always be kept alive in our memories. That's the best we can do.
  21. sonjam
    I sort of relate to how your wife is feeling. There was a time when my partner seldom hugged me or held my hand, and when he did I knew he wanted sex that night. It put me off the whole thing. No foreplay, it felt like it was all about him. I was wondering. How about trying affection, hugs kisses etc, but NO SEX for awhile. Get her to warm up to you again, without having to "pay" or reward you - as she sees it. I'm almost sure once she's warmed up to you again, her interest in sex might resurface. I also have to say having a child can have a huge impact on a female sexdrive. Not always but in some cases it really does. I remember when my baby was born, a few months later even, I had absolutely NO INTEREST in sex. My focus had shifted to the role of being a mother, rather than being a wife. It took some work, and commitment to get the priorities right again, and I think the later you leave it, the worse it's going to get.
  22. sonjam
    Going to a therapist is not that big deal. You should really considder going, it could turn out to be a life changing experience. But don't think they just push a button, and you walk out fixed. The thing is they can't fix you. What normally happens is this: Typically for the initial period you would go to see a therapist once every week, or once every two weeks. You will be required to talk about yourself, and sort of say why you decided to go there. They will then ask a few questions, and maybe give you some homework, like for instance to write a short piece on a part of your life, or draw a timeline of events, or do a test with shapes and pictures. In essense, they help you by giving you tools to help yourself out of your situation. They build your problem solving skills, self image, etc, so you will be able to help yourself. Sounds to me like all you need is a bit of self confidence. I know you said you think you are great, but the words sound very hollow next to the other things you said. you dont even trust yourself or your own decisions. You need to start believing in YOU, then you will feel stronger, and not be so paranoid. Go see a therapist, you will defiantely not be sorry! It can ONLY be good for you.
  23. sonjam
    Silent Pain, I'm glad to see you made it through yesterday, and you will make it through tomorrow. Talking to us and sharing everyday will make you stronger, and strengthen your resolve. Together we will help you search through the rubble of your life, and start building on a new foundation. As strong one, so you will be able to stand up and be your own woman. Please share with us how you guys met, if you still love him, if you have ever tried to leave before..
  24. sonjam
    I hear what you say, but you have to PUT YOURSELF first now. If you don't it will be all of two weeks and you will be back where you started. Next time it will not be as easy to leave. Take stock. What is it you need to be happy? Is it him, is it a new beginning, is it the same house, a new house, promises, him cooking for you? I know you feel numb and desolate right now, but if you just give in and go back, empty promises can quickly become just that - empty. He has to change something FUNDAMENTAL to prove himself. YES he has to prove it, not becouse you want to be hard headed, but because you are wasting your life away in unhappyness with him, and you deserve better, CAN GET better, and need to be SURE it will be different if you go back. TAKE A STAND and demand something for yourself for a change. And don't give in until it acutally happened. Only then will you know he's really honest about his intentions. Remember, he knows you, and he knows exactly what to say to hit the soft spots, and to convince you of something. Actions speak louder than words.
  25. sonjam
    Beautifull, I found this on a website, and just to strenthen your resolve I'm going to post it here, for you and others in this situation. Profile of a Domestic Abuser The first thing to know about any abuser is that he is a normal man. There is nothing unusual about him, nothing to indicate he is an abuser. Every abuser believes he has a right to control a woman. Their need to control is far greater than his capacity for love of the woman or the children. Abusers don't forget about their abuse, they just deny it. Abusers minimize the impact and effect of their abuse. They make it less than it is which makes us feel that we are over reacting. Abusers blame their partner for their abuse. They may blame alcohol, drugs, their parents, their job anything but themselves to justify their behavior. Abusers tend to associate with other abusive men. They invite support for their abuse from other people. Beliefs of Abusers 1. Anger causes violence! 2. Women are manipulative! 3. If I don't control her, she'll control me! 4. Smashing things isn't abusive, it's venting! 5. Sometimes there's no alternative to violence! 6. Women are just as abusive as men! 7. Women want to be dominated by men! 8. Somebody has to be in charge! 9. Jealousy is natural to men! 10. Violence is a breakdown in communications! 11. Men can't change if women won't! Just how dangerous is he? * If he threatens to kill you, himself, your family, accept the fact that if he gets desperate enough, he just might. * Does he ever fantasize or 'joke' about killing you, himself or a family member? The more often he fantasizes or the more evolved and thought out the fantasy is, the more likely he is to act it out. * Is he depressed? If he becomes acutely depressed, to the point he feels there is no point in living (for anyone) Watch out! * Is he a drug user? If he gets drunk or high and then starts to fantasize about killing, he is more likely to do it. * How is his temper? Does he fly off into terrifying rages? * Does he have a gun or other weapon? Has he threatened to use it against you? Access to a weapon while drunk, high or simply enraged could prove lethal. * Is he obsessively jealous or controlling? Does he view you as his property? This kind of person will not let go easily and is likely to harass, stalk and threaten you after you have left. * Is he cruel to pets, siblings? If so consider he feels it's OK to abuser those he deems weaker than himself. That includes you. * If any of the above apply to your situation, call your local crisis center TODAY. article found on link removed
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