silent pain

sonja i feel like im back to where i started. I wont let it be but it just feels like it. I am being as focused as i can.

Yep 5 weeks left, im counting the days down. I dont know what i am doing Hope. All i know is that i may feel better when my mom n dad drop me off to the airport. Im taking my steps as they come. I dont know what will happen when i get to my brother (he may make me stay, i may want to stay). Im just taking scary steps on my own behalf ATM

Relaps suxs. sorry guys to talk me crap again, repeative i know I am starting to feel good about myself, i have started things to make me feel better about myself. But once again my self esteem was beaten to the ground again. For god dam like 3 months i havent been touched AT ALL, its been wonderful. Been keeping out of his way, doing what he says when he demands it & just walking around with a smile.. I found it was the only way i could get a bit of peace but I forgot to leave a note when i went to the supermarket. I am so embarressed and stoopid. I dont understand what i did this time. REally!!! a note.......... I dont want to leave my room until i leave this horrible place.(which i am doing in 5 weeks) I dont know what else to do. But if i stay in my room that most likely will agitate him more. I know everything i can do, this forum has trught me these things already, i have been informed, i just needed to get it out, i thought it was going really well. My plan was going perfectly, but now........i dont know anymore. I have a class to go to tonight but i am way to scared to go to that as that was one thing (along with me just being alive) he blammed this relaps on "your not home on mondays, you stoopid ........." I just dont understand how someone can stand over someone they love that they have just shoved to the ground and kick them while they are down on the ground begging for them to stop. How does that happen????? my face, neck, shoulders and throat are really sore today, but i got 5weeks left and im gone..............

Hey everyone, I thought i would drop a really quick post to let the newbies know about the wonderful people (plus 3 very special people) that run this site. A few months ago i was a complete and horrible mess. I thought i was alone in my world of hell where nobody cared nobody wanted to listen. I had contemplated many awful things and really didnt cared about anything. I may be a nobody with him but on here i am someone and i have made so much progress within myself at building up my self esteem. I could not of done any of this without the help of Sonjam and the force team work of Hope and Dave. Because of these angels and this site, i am off to do 2 things for MYSELF that i would have NEVER EVER of done without them. They do care and really want to help Let them, let them in if you cant let anyone else in Thank you for reading be happy

At home??? Things are horrible....I cant put 1 foot out wrong ATM without a comment of stupidness. Even if i do a smart comment there will be something wrong about it..... *sigh*

No not a thing. I am kinda doing this things where i cry non stop, if not crying its the vains coming out my head in stress....I went running to her last week and laid in her arm for 2hours and cried non stop, (last time i did that was 5years old) she begged me a few times to tell her whats going on in my head. But i cant tell her just yet, it will break her heart. Also im not out of this crap yet, so im NOT involving the only person that i see a little light with

She said my state of mind wasnt right. (dont blame her) Gather I havent told her the full story though (maybe 1 day i will).... But she said that when i am ready she will help me find a 1 bedroom flat somewhere close to her and move me in....So thats not to bad for my 1 time asking for help..

You know your correct!!!! Stating that makes me think that i actually have done things that i would of NEVER of done before, like i ACTUALLY ask my mom if i could move back home (the outcome wasnt what i was expecting but not all bad all the same) I would of never of ask for any type of help brfore, so maybe i am trying to get back up

Hey guys, sorry i havent been around, i kinda hit the bottom of everything. But im still here and alive just not smiling...... Sorry i havent been around i have had NO ENERGY at all. I want to save alot of my energy for down the line

I still here everyone....... There has been no violence lately, just verbal & MAJOR mind game stuff..... I am still very stressed out though. I know my life is important but somedays i really dont think much of myself.... We have these commercails going on over here at the momment about physical abuse and how it effect people ct ect. they have been a good playing in the back groud cause i know he is watching I would like to thank you all for the respose i have received online here. I wasnt expecting so many replies, i really honestly thought nobody cares that much... I HUGE THANK YOU to my new found friend Sonja, you are a dream....I have never meet anyone who new all the right things to say, would like to meet you in person. But all you girls and guys and FANTSTIC i think of you all proberly every night in bed before i go to sleep. makes me feel better

I have loved my BF from the 1st day i met him. He walked through my front door and i thought "I have to get him and i will have him", he had a GF at the time, so i patiently waited until they split up. As soon as they did the chase was on and after a year he was mine........ I dont know what happened and when it happened. I became blind???? I cant even remember the 1st time he smaked me, but i can remember the 1st time my face looked like a war zone that he felt so bad that he apologised and held me all night until i fell asleep. I should of left then i guess. Now i get offered a panadole............ I have tried to leave before yes, but he sat in public crying his eyes out telling me that there is no way he will ever find someone like me. I have told him if he was with any other female he wouldnt be sitting here cause not all females put up with this crap. blah blah but thats me being stoopid as usual

OMG!!!! I cant believe the understanding i have here. The feeling is so amazing girls. Here for years i have been all alone and slient thinking nobody needs to here my story who would want to. But really all i need to do was open my mouth to a few people that understand me. I just wish more of my new friend lived over here wid me Hope75 i cried when i read your story as well. Spec the calling your Dad at 3am to come and get you it is embarressing. And yeah the throwing of things. The things that get thrown at me arent as bad as a bowling ball more like lighters, sizzors anything in reach at the time oh makes me cry.....

i will post as much as i can.

sonjam you are totally correct check you PM. I know i have to leave i know the things i have to do it, but it is the most hardest thing. My courage dont exist anymore. My self esteem dont exist anymore. My strength VERY TRUE though I have found myself a whole new group of friends here, and i thank you. I have been thinking about this site all week (since i posted up), thinking "will they think i am a fool, will they LOL at me, am i weak" then when i came back i had some supportive and understanding words that i have not had in about 6 years. Some understanding finally. As for turning to my family, i wish i could and i proberly could BUT my family are very proper and professional people and i wouldnt DARE tell them the horrible life i live, its just not the way we live. It would shatter them. Apologies for my swearing in my original post.

Hey hello, i just joined because i am in my own personal world of abuse and have been despratly trying to find a forum like this to express my feelings. I cant express my hurt at friends or family cause it is very emarressing that a 26 year women is stuck in such a up situation, also i have gotten into trouble from him for discussing our problems. Well i dont really have any friends anymore and i dont want to make new ones. Why would i?? Who would want to see this I have a boyfriend of 5 years who has gone through alot, i have stuck by his side through everything, i took his meaness down to stress. Now the clouds are lifting and the abuse is a REAL thing. I cant even explain it. he dont work, he sleeps (in the lounge mind you, havent sleept in my bed for 4 years) i take time out from work just to go home and wake his sorry up and make him a fresh juice everyday, yet he dont get out of bed till about 3pm4pm, then hits me in anger if he is upset that he has missed half the day. and i state that to him He sits up alll nite and sometimes when i wake up in the morning he not even there He gets phone calls from these girls (at all times) who say is his friends and they know who i am, so i question would a female dis repect someone realsonship like that. i get called, i have even been spat on in the face. I have had threats towards me and family and he makes me take days off when he dont trust me. pushes me over all the time, your know how 5years old push each other over nealry thrown me down the stairs strangles all the time till im blue He has dragged me down to my work at 3am, just so he can go through my emails. sometime i just wish he would kill me, put me out of pain and maybe by him doing that he will be charged thrown in jail and then no other girl will ever have to go through the pain and suffering. When i am on the ground in pain like that i BEG him to stop, but i usually get a punch for crying cause DEAD LEGS dont hurt in his world he says for that split momment when i am in pain, i dont say anything, its his way to shut me up he reakons I know i should leave, i know what people are going to write in reply to me. But as i sit here crying over re-reading my sad story i also realise that i will have to go home soon and see what i have waiting for me. Im scared, nervous and anxious. but i would like to thank you for reading, i no that this wont get back to him. I feel so much better when i talk about my silent pain. i feel 5% beter about myself, jus getting that out