Love Her Like Crazy

So true my friend. And thanks !!

Wow Ouch... I can truly relate. Nearly identical situation including the daughter and the time we have been together. But the difference is that she has not left me ( although she has threatened a time or two ). Instead she has simply opted to tell me that she does care and that she does want to make it work, but we have only had sex 3 times in the last 12 months and it is only getting worse. When I try to figure out what it will take to get us back on track she refuses to even discuss it. Like you, I have done all that I can getting babysitters set up and cooking dinners, taking her out and all that jazz, but on the rare occasion that she actually goes along with it all it does is insure that she will sleep on the couch, because she thinks I will be anticipating my "reward". She seems to have no idea that I am just trying to be with her because I desperately miss her. She seems content to just live as two separate people sharing a home and a daughter with no other relations at all. I mean I geuss that would be ok, but I am not going to spend the next 50+ years living in celibacy with a woman I am in love with, just because my wife refuses to either leave me or step up to the plate and make it work. Long and short is I actually wish she would do what your wife has done, because although I love her more then life itself, I am so deeply stuck in this position that I am not sure what to do. I dont want to hurt her by seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere and I dont want to be the one to stand up and leave either. So instead it is like we are on different planets, but still in the same building living under each others rules ( but without any of the healthy benefits of a good relationship ). I cant say I know what it feels like to have her actually leave, because she never has yet, but I do sit here night after night with a broken heart while she reads in the kitchen waiting for me to go to sleep so she wont have to talk to me or touch me. I dont know which is worse, but like I said I truly deeply sympathize. To be as in love with your wife as you obviously are and as deeply as I know I am, yet we sit here with absolutely no reciprocation whatsoever. I have lately tried to act like a woman would in this situation ( or at least what I think a woman would do ) and close down my heart and my communication to the point that I am meeting her on her level. Not rubbing her shoulders or feet every night and cooking and cleaning for her every night like I usually do, but instead just acting like I am a person in my home and she happens to be there. In re-reading this I cant see how this can help you other then to let you know that others are in the same position... No real advice, but I DO know how you feel and I DO truly sympathize... Best of luck to you and your beautiful daughter...

I have to say that I unfortunately cannot relate as I have only not finished with a girl like 5 times in my life. And masturbation has never really worked for me. I have tried, oh I have tried it plenty, but just not my cup of tea. Got to have a lady present. However, one thing that really works for me when you are having a hard time cuming is to ( assuming you do this ) you know when it is really starting to feel good and you kind of flex your muscles down there. Kind of like the flex you feel as you ejaculate? It is basically the same muscle group that you use to hold it in when you really need to pee. Well when you get to that point and you are starting to tighten up a little bit, try closing your eyes and focusing not on her tits or her face or any part of her body except the feeling of how good it feels to slide in and out of her. Just totally focus on that feeling and nothing else. No pressure, no stress. And while doing this, concentrate on relaxing that muscle group. No tension at all. Maybe it sounds strange, but if she is in a hurry, or if I am, or if I just cant seem to get into it, this always takes me to the end really quickly. Worth a try anway

Personally I find the small of a womans back one of the sexiest parts of her body. If I put my hand there while walking with an extremely attractive woman it can actually take my breath away. I can never remember putting my hand there on a girl that I was not interested in. It is really a pretty personal place to touch a girl in my opinion. But then again, I am not really all that normal, so who knows for sure. I have never been into T & A like most guys, but am more attracted to stomach, lower back, neck & shoulders and above all else a girl with slender wrists and ankles for some reason makes me crazy... Like I said, not the most normal person to judge by, but I hope that helps.

Wow! There are like 5 or 6 major clues it would seem to me that something could be going on. First - The guy has been in a relationship for 16 years with this woman and as creatures of habit, humans tend to go where they are most comfortable in times of stress. And if you two are having stress, the natural tendency would be to go to her, which is where he has been for the last 16 years. Second - The fact that he slept with her only 30 days prior to you getting together would indicate that they are still comfortable enough with each other to be intimate. A 16 year relationship that still has intimacy in it is a very difficult thing to erase from your mind. Especially for a man. Third - The ex calls your orginization to offer volunteer services, but then never calls back and never volunteers? That is not a ccincidence in my book no matter how you slice it. That is a jealous ex. Fourth - He attempts to make her look bad in your eyes by telling you that she is capable of having you and him watched and followed? This in my opinion is not nervous energy, this is a blatant attempt to put up a wall between you and her so that you do not in fact have an opportunity to catch him doing something that he feels guilty about. Fifth - The frequent phone calls from both him to her and from her to him is a really big indicator that their relationship is not only aged and mature but that it is still strong enough to trust and confide in each other. And in a relationship that strong, it is not a reach to suspect that they are sleeping together. Sixth - He accuses you of cheating ? Wow. From what I hear, the only people who do that are people that are guilty of it themselves. Or at least guilty of thinking about it anyways. I mean after all 16 years is a lifetime and as comfortable as a couple gets after that much time, regardless of the reasons that they separated, that type of comfort becomes second nature. Now, I dont want to sound like the bad guy here, but these are all pretty solid indicators that something MAY be going on. Not to say that it is of course, but I would be strongly suspect personally. Of course there is always a chance that his relationship with his ex is in fact purely a friendship and there is nothing wrong with having a good friend that you can confide in. Certainly everyone deserves a couple. But for my ten cents worth, I would find out for sure if this man is as dedicated to you as he was ( and maybe still is ) to his ex before I moved further down the road with him. And I mean more then just sitting him down and asking him although that is certainly the first step. They say that 9 out of 10 times when you think someone is cheating on you they actually are. People are much more perceptive then they give themselves credit for. Trust your intuition.

Oh and one more thing, I couldnt agree with armchairshrink more completely. I quit carbonated and caffeinated beverages almost 10 years ago now and I have never regretted it for a second. I was a 6 pack a day Coke drinker for almost 15 years and it was REALLY hard to quit. Especially the headaches, but I breathe better, eat better and will never drink another soda for as long as I live. I mean the fact that a single 20 oz soda has more then an entire days worth of carbohydrates alone should be enough to scare the average person away from them Best of luck to you

One thing my grandfather told me many years ago was to use salty snacks and water to replace any addiction. Soda, smoking, drinking, eating, pretty much anything. The theory is that while a lot of salt is bad for you, it is a necessary electrolyte and your body knows what to do with it. Sugar on the other hand ( and certainly nicotine ) your body does not need at all and mega doses of sugar will give you diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, hypertension you name it. Obviously a high salt diet over a long period of time is going to be just as unhealthy as smoking or soda or pretty much anything else in excess, but the salt has a way of appeasing our bodies and our appetites and gives you something to lean on while quitting a difficult habit. So grab a bag of sunflower seeds or pretzels or cornuts or mixed nuts or peanuts, or whatever and everytime you need to smoke or drink a soda, eat a salty snack and chase it with a small glass of water. Pretty much every salty snack ( except potato chips ) is good for you and all of them ( including potato chips ) are better for you then excessive sugar. And the high volume of water will only serve to clean the salt ( and the soda ) out of your kidneys and your liver and make you healthier along the way. P.S. If you really want to quit drinking soda, go to a search engine and find a website that has pictures of the kidney stones, gall stones and liver stones that are caused by the excessive amounts of sugar and soda that are consumed by the world today. First time you see a picture of an otherwise healthy 25 year old girls liver with a stone in it the size of a golf ball it will scare you straight

Oh man go for a smoothie... I finally broke down and bought myself a really good blender that can do ice without frying the motor and now I do a fruit smoothie every morning for breakfast. It is really fast and has like 3 days worth of your essential vitamins in it. As a paleolithic eater, I dont eat dairy, but with a scoop of frozen yogurt or a half a cup of yogurt you can get the same amount of protein as you can from the milk. And also with any smoothie, you can always use soy milk like you mentioned, or even coconut milk as the liquid which will give you all the good that milk offers without it actually being a dairy product. Milk is so hard on our adult digestive systems, that I personally leave the milk drinking to children who are still growing their bones and need the mega doses of calcium and the positive attributes of the steriods that are fed to the milk cows these days. For the smoothies, I just go to the market and get whatever fruit in bulk that is on sale and in season. It is really affordable and gives you a ton of vitamins and very healthy carbs to get your days energy started. ( which is a rarity these days, rembember it is empty carbs such as refined sugar and flour that makes us fat and gives us diabetes, not the healthy carbs that you get from fruit and vegetables ) I have found that using a good sweet fruit as the base ( like oranges or apples or melon ) and then at least 2 slightly more exotic and more bitter fruits ( like nectarines, cherries, clementines, mangoes, tangerines, peaches, bananas, really whatever you can find ). With this recipe of 1 base sweet fruit and 2 bitter fruits, I have yet to find a combination that doesnt taste great!! Also if you want to be a little bit braver about it, try throwing in a carrot. You can almost never taste it and it pretty much doubles the vitamin content. And if you can taste it, a half a lemon or lime will neutrilize the flavor and all you taste is the fruit. Once you get all the ingredients in, add about a half a tray of ice cubes and blend it on high for like 45 seconds, or until you dont hear the ice banging around anymore. It takes like 5 minutes to prepare and if you slice and de-seed the fruits the night before it only takes like 2 minutes to prepare. I throw whatever is left in the blender in the fridge and either use it as a base for the next days smoothie, or drink it with my dinner that evening.

What must I do in my time remaining I dont yet know how much I know; but it is a great deal Vast expanses of my nature I never knew existed until now I lived, I now know, in a cell of my own creation While just outside its walls lay a landscape unparallelled In my self-delusion I thought I was a minor king Refused to step beyond the bounds of my own dominion I could not leave the safety of me for fear of a reawakening Need it take such a profound event to transform us To open our eyes and our hearts to the glorious diversities of life To deliver us finally to the destiny that is to each of us... . . . completely our own

I can relate personally, and I do sympathize. I spent the first years of my life severely abused by my father and 30 years later I am just learning to come to grips with it through very intensive therapy. In reading your poem, I wanted to comment and that I do understand now through therapy and hypnotic regression/recall what it feels like to be a very very very lonely and very frightened child with no one to turn to......... Also as deviousj420 has stressed. If this is a situation that is current it can be repaired and it can be corrected.

In re-reading my post it occurred to me that I didnt even make my point My point is that even these thoughts I am having are the result of a failed sex life, I am sure that this type of void I am feeling could be the result of just about any deficity in a relationship. Lack of time spent together. Lack of respect. Lack of romance. Lack of just about anything I suspect could cause a person to feel that way that I am now. And the way I feel right now, about the only thing that it seems will make the pain go away is the arms of another woman. Now if my wife would surprise me with an unscheduled roll in the hay or even just go out and buy some sexy underwear I can assure you I would be focused on her 100% for some time to come. As a guy who is head over heels in love with someone that doesnt seem to know I am available for her anymore, I can assure you she could have my attention very quickly and very completely if she just raised a single finger in my direction. Again, this may not apply, but I do hope my thoughts will help you in some way....

I cannot tell by your post if you are the one that cheated, or the other person in your relationship is the one that cheated. I suspect they are the one that cheated on you? As a person in a long term relationship with little to zero sex and survive near constant arguments about the fact that I would like to have sex occasionally and she doesnt like sex at all, I can say that there are times when I think that if I could just get someone else in my life who enjoyed sex then I could go back to enjoying my wife and my family the way I used to when it seemed that my wife enjoyed my company. I have not cheated on her and I am not sure that I ever would, but I do think about it more often then I used to. I mean the absolute most we have sex anymore is about once or twice a month, but occasionaly we will go several months in between. Clearly not enough for a healthy person, but for her it seems like even that is too much. Anyway, I hope I have not detracted from your point, as I dont really know anything about the specifics of your breakup and for all I know your sex life could have been great, but as a person strongly considering an external discreet relationship in order to fill that void in my life ( even though I do love my wife like crazy ), I just thought my thoughts might help you in some way..

Thank you everyone for your insight and support. I have received far more then I ever expected from a forum and I am glad I chose to post here. I wanted to take a moment and let you all know that I am working up the courage to talk to my Wife this weekend with my heart in my hands and explain to her all that I am feeling and thinking and let her know that living this way for the next 50+ years is simply not an option for me. Combined with the fact that I am confident she knows I love her and that she loves me I feel that this conversation has a very good chance of going the right way (maybe not out of the gate, but I am sure we can get there). Long story short, this is it. For better or worse as they say. Wish me luck. I will be back to post as to the succes or failure of my mission. And again thank you all sincerely for the support advice and guidance...

I agree 100%

I do agree with this. Piling issues on issues certainly is no way to solve them. However as you also mentioned, we have worked extensively at this and gotten basically no where. I do feel that a thorough medical evaluation would be appropriate, but when I mention these things to her she assures me there is nothing wrong. I cant really force her to see a doctor if she doesnt want to. But this is where it gets so frustrating. She wants to find a solution, but does so little to help. When I bring solutions or suggestions to the table she acts as if she would rather just go on living this way indefinitely. This is actually something that I have thought about. If I just sat her down and showed her exactly what I have been doing. The research, the articles and the forums. I have nothing to hide, but it does open a new can of worms in that she may not like the fact that I talk about it with other people and I am not sure how she would take that. Although, at this point I feel that I cant really do anything to make it worse, so...