RunToMe

hey ya'll. long time no post. hehe. so if any of you guys remember me, I was in an abusive relationship for two years. He really screwed me up something fierce. Its been 10 months since I've been free and I'm seeing that my fears of what happened with him happening again, might ruin what I've got now. See, I met a W O N D E R F U L guy. He's my "prince charming". Perfect (to me atleast) on both the inside and out, I've never admired a person as much as I do him. He's unselfish, he's compassionate, he's noble, he's got a sense of humor to rival mine, and he's just an all around good guy. We're so much alike personality wise, its scary. My mother and sister adore him as well. He and I make an awesome team and together, we're pretty much unstoppable. lol. It seems that we've both fallen for each other hard and fast and as scary as it seems, I love it. Now, the problem is this: He is able to tell me exactly how he feels about me, what he thinks of our relationship, etc but I am not. Its not that I dont feel the EXACT same way, because I do. I totally think he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm so glad he's part of my life. Do I love him? Sure do. But I can't find it in myself to tell him, even though I know he feels the same. He deserves to hear me say it, but I can't do it. Its almost come out a couple of times, but as weird as it sounds, its like those three little words open up a whole new dimension in our relationship. A dimension where at that point, when THAT door is opened, I make myself vulnerable to getting hurt again. AND I CANT DO IT. Its not really like i feel as if I'm CHOOSING not to do it, its as if the words themselves hit the breaks as soon as I try to say them. I've explained this to him, but I know he can't understand it. How could I expect him to? I'm just terribly afraid that he's going to get frustrated with my inablity to express how I feel and that its going to discourage him to the point of giving up on me. I dont want to lose him because of my own fear. How do I get over my fears of being hurt so that I can be totally open with him like I want to?

You know, I'm not sure if this is the correct category for my posting as what I'm about to say will probably make no sense to anyone but me. I'm just in one of those panicky - depressed moods. I found out last week a lot of details about my previous relationship that I now wish I didn't know. Aside from the abuse, he cheated on me. Not once but twice. The second time it was a full on second relationship. Complete with "I love you"s and planning for the future. While he was living with me, he was loving someone else at the same time. I feel so dirty, used, and violated. I am severly depressed by all of this. I cant concentrate on anything but what happened. Its keeping me up at night. This all happened a year ago, and we've been broken up since mid February. I'm so terrified that this will happen to me again. I cant go through this pain a second time around. I can't give my heart,body, and mind to someone again and have what happened repeat itself. Lately, I have been incredibly lonely. I have wonderful friends and have been involved in SO many activities lately, but I feel like something is missing. I miss being touched. I miss the affection. Even though he neglected me most of the time, there was still some affection in our relationship. I miss it. I went to the zoo a couple of weeks ago with a guy that's intrested in me. He tried to hold my hand. I couldn't do it. As much as I want to, it doesn't feel right. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. How do I get passed that uncomfortable feeling? I want to be able to get close to guys... How do I trust again? I have been SO strong since the break up. Why am I falling apart now? I feel like if someone would just hold me, I would feel so much better. I know where I could go to get that, but I cant bring myself to do it. How do I heal? Basically, what I'm wanting is affection and cuddles (not sex... 'least not now) but I dont want a relationship just yet. Is that completely insane? I know this is just a big mess of my thoughts, I'm sorry. I'm just in one of those moods today. This is my emotional vomit in text form.

I would think it depends on the individual woman. oral is a big thing for me, but only after i'm very comfortable with the person. 69 isnt really my thing though. not comfortable with my body, and thats a very exposed position to be in. just depends on the girl, ya know?

I have no plans to track down his movements. I want to be free of his memory. But if something like this ever slaps me in the face again, and i can contact the other girl without going through enough trouble to seem like a psychotic ex, I'll let her know what she's getting herself into. I just wish his ex fiance would have done the same for me!

And thats exactly what I was trying to do Venus. I went through a lot of crap with him. He made me feel so bad about myself for so long. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let him do it it any other girl. As long as I can help it, I'll do what I should. And I also believe that girls have to look out for one another. There are corrupt men and women out there and you never know who you can trust. It helps to know there are strangers out there who will look out for you even if they dont know you.

Well, things have been insane lately. I have been doing well without the abusive ex. However, he has still been sending me these "i'm so sorry" emails full of how bad he feels for what he has done to me and how he would do anything in the world for another chance with me. He said that he wants nothing to do with any other girl until I come home. All in all, its a bunch of BS. Well, a week or two ago, I got a call from one of my friends. She was browsing a singles website and came accross my ex! She sent me a link to his page. He is a LIAR! I mean, its insane. His profile says that he has not had a relationship (or sex) in two years. I laughed so hard at that. We were together for a year and a half... I left 4 weeks ago! He makes himself out to be this innocent guy who can't get a girl because he works too much. There were also dirty comments from a girl, along with a few comments to suggest they were dating. Me, being the vengeful woman that I am, casually emailed this girl and gave her a heads up. She later IMed me and we had a lenghty conversation about what a loser he is. She forwarded me emails from him, and I pointed out to her EVERY lie. I told her he was abusive and a cheater too. She was grateful to me for it.I then responded to his "I will wait for you until you decide to come home, even if it means I have to wait a lifetime" emails by forwarding our IM conversation (with her permission) back to him. he removed himself from the dating website, but I have no doubt that he will join somewhere else very soon. Oh, and as if that wasn't confirmation enough of what a loser he is, he was sent to the psych ward at the county hospital last weekend because he "tried" to slit his wrist. I say tried because he later admitted to only doing it for the attention. He wanted me to feel sorry for him. Sorry dude, but I dont need this. So yeah. I'm trying to be strong. Thinking about dating soon... I;ve got a few guys who would like to take me out. However I've made it perfectly clear that I've been seriously hurt and I am not ready to date. They seem to understand. just thought I'd give an update.

We were together for a year and a half. He was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. He also cheated on me. She's one of my best friends and I always went to her when I was having problems with him. Now she's feeling sorry for him and wanting to go hang out one-on-one. She had been encouraging me to leave him even...

about 2 weeks.

They arent friends per say. The only reason they know the other exists is because he and I were together. She and I were friends from the beginning. She's been making lude comments to him also, which means she's probably interested in him.

Well, he was abusive. She knows it. Now she's trying to be best friends with him. Little odd to me.

Just when I think I'm getting on the right track, drama is thrown right back in my direction. I had to take the ex to the hospital this weekend. He doesnt have any family or friends here so I had to take him... I'm not going to let him suffer no matter what he has done to me. Anyways, one of my friends texted me this morning asking how he was. I didnt know, and she said she was going to go hang out with him at the apartment. I'm sorry, this just doesnt sit well with me. I told her that, and she told me I was out of line. I mean, she knows EVERYTHING he's ever done to me. She's seen me cry because of the things he's done, and yet she has pity for him? She told me she feels bad cause we're the only friends he has. Well boo frickity hoo, I dont feel bad for him. He shouldnt have screwed me over. He shouldnt have been abusive. Now he's got no friends. Oh well. Anyways, I'm just venting. She knows I dont think its right that she go throwing a pity party for him, but I suspect she'll do it anyways. I'm hurt. Friends are supposed to support each other.

Just been emailing still... telling me how its going to be "when" I come back and how he'll never EVER EVER hurt me again. He's relentless..

Homie, I didnt say I would let them pay. I didnt say I was going to take advantage of the fact that they are taking me out, so lay off.... What I said is that I appreciate the invite to get out and do something. I dont expect anything from anyone. Sounds like you've been taken advantage of a time or two. I dont do that stuff, so dont take out your frustrations on me. Thanks hun.

Ok, this has been completely insane. Ever since moving out and breaking up with my ex, I have had offer upon offer from guys to go out, go to dinner, catch a movie, etc. Well, I am totally flattered and I do want to get out of the house, but the thing is, I dont want to give these guys the impression that I am interested in dating. I have turned down a few, only because I have had something else planned, but I also dont want people to stop asking me do to things. I want my options to be open as far as choices on where to go and what to do. Does it sound like I just want to have my cake and eat it to? How do I just stay in the friend mode with guys until I'm ready to date again? I mean, I want nothing more than friendship and fun right now. I don't want ANYTHING physical... JUST friendship. I know I can come out and say it, but actions do speak louder than words...I do not want to lead anyone on. I dont do that, and I dont want anyone to feel like I am trying to do that. I do want to make new friends though... I am a very friendly and funny person, and it has been misconstrued before as flirting... How do I handle this?

It weird because this isnt the first ever break up I've gone through, but the others were not painful. Not like this...