The Morrigan

Sounds like you guys were never on the same page here. I know, when you like someone you hope it'll lead to more, but frankly, that rarely happens. Especially if they think you're aware of what they want and are cool with that. You want an honest evaluation? He shouldn't have persisted, if you weren't completely for the "just friends with benefits" thing, and he knew it wasn't in your nature, he should've backed off of that out of respect. So I agree, if he was aware of your standards, he wasn't being much of a friend persisting in something he had a good idea would end up hurting you. At the same time - he didn't lie about his intentions saying a relationship was a possibility. He may well feel like the injured party - bass ackwards thinking I know, but from his point of view, he was honest, and you broke things off when he thought you were on the same page - and weren't. He wasn't ready for a relationship before, for whatever reason... and probably isn't now either. There are plenty of guys out there who have the same standards you do and would love to have a gf, give some of them a chance instead of waiting on this dude to be ready to commit to anything - you'll save yourself a lot of heartache. "Friends with benefits" only works when both parties are on the same level, both emotion wise and expectation wise, or someone gets hurt.

You've emailed? From your own computer??? Be very thankful when you go to sleep tonight nobody's antenna went up to do an IP trace, or a comparative one with people's emails they knew, or your secret would be no such thing. I had this done to me, my suspicions were raised at email #3, I did a trace, and pissed off was not EVEN the word. I ALWAYS check IPs on anyone I think I'll talk to frequently or anything that seems off, and I doubt I'm the only one; you are one lucky boy. I'm assuming you used webmail. Send an email from the library or a netcafe, your computer died, you don't have the funds to fix it, and you dunno when you'll be able to keep in touch, take care. And disappear quietly. The longer you drag this out, the better the odds you're going to get busted. You try to just taper off communications, you're going to have to deal with the guilt of "why aren't you talking to me as much now?" and be tempted to step it up a little to make her feel better. Yes, her feelings are gonna be hurt when her "friend" can't keep in touch anymore, but it's either do it fast or drag it out - just get it over with and consider it a lesson learned.

First - be patient! Avman is right, she wouldn't have given you her number if she didn't want you to call. If you don't hear back - give it about 3 days - then you'll just come accross as interested enough to call again, but not desperate. And it allows for the possiblity of having a problem getting her messages on the one day. If she doesn't pick up, leave a message that sorry she wasn't there to talk, leave your number, and ask her to call when she's free. If she doesn't call, I'd look elsewhere; two calls is enough to convey your interest in her, and while "not easy to get" is fine, you don't want to play games with someone who tries to be nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get either. If she's interested and not a "player," she'll call back. If she doesn't - your efforts would probably be better directed elsewhere; while you're trying to reach her, you could be dancing with and hooking up with someone else, you know?

Some "background" on this fictional person, and how long he's been around, would be helpful... How old, where is he, is he a student, etc. I will say, whatever you do to make him "vanish" make it as SIMPLE as possible - the more complex you make it, the better chance you have of screwing up. I'll spare you the lecture since you've obviously realized on your own you got in too deep and it's wrong to continue the deception. I suppose the things this dude has been the middleman in are too sensitive to just come clean, huh? I would consider 'fessing up after a time period has passed, most people are pretty forgiving of a truth, even a bad one, much more so than if someone DOES figure it out and word gets around that way.

Most girls I've known would be more impressed and touched with the sentiment than in any appearance, I know I would be! You know your girlfriend better than anyone - if she has a romantic bone in her body, it would be hard not to be deeply touched by the meaning of getting your mom's ring. Does she like gifts with a "personal touch" more than expensive ones? If so, she'd probably treasure your mom's ring more than any you could pick for her from a store.

Sounds to me like he likes you - and was embarrassed at being "found out." If you like him and don't want to ask him out directly, you can always say something teasing like "Shame you don't like me, I thought you'd be fun to go out with sometime!" and see how he reacts

Can you limit the contact with her specifically to when you happen to end up in the group of people you're out with for now? My feeling is there'd be a little less pressure when you're in a group than trying to talk to her one on one for now, less internal pressure from your feelings when there's other people to talk to and hang with, since complete no contact isn't an option. You can at least control the intimacy level and have a "buffer" that way, being friendly, but keep the distance from more individual and personal contact, ESPECIALLY physical contact. You're still strongly attracted to her, and attraction and emotion are very closely intertwined after a long relationship, so don't get yourself in a position where you're intensifying your feelings. If she asks about it, be honest with her, tell her you want to be friends with her, but you can't keep your feelings at a "friendly" level yet when you're closer, and tell her you need time for that.

Is being friends with her just in the hopes that she'd come around in time, or do you want to be friends with her regardless? If the second... well, you work together, making no contact a bit difficult, but there's no reason you can't go out and have fun doing things to get your mind off her a bit. At work, don't be the one seeking her out all the time, let her come to you, just as you'd expect of any friend. If she decides she's interested, she'll seek out your company. And don't torture yourself with "what if I'd acted differently" statements either, she knew you well enough before you went out to completely change her mind after one date - and if she's confused, you DON'T need to get caught up in that while she figures out what she wants. Keep yourself busy, put yourself and your feelings first as to how much contact is something you can enjoy, and what makes you feel worse. She's looking out for herself, you need to do the same.

It's going to be difficult to do much if she's made it a "closed" subject. Has she said why she didn't want to continue counseling on the occasions she's started? Or just not gone? The only thing I can possibly think of is to ask her to go to couples counseling and use a "minor" issue as a reason, and ease into it, since she's obviously not comfortable going to counseling for the rape and sex issues directly. If it comes up, don't pursue it, let her determine how much she does or doesn't say, from what you're saying that's what you've been doing recently for the most part. The only thing I can advise is like I said, try getting her to talk about something else, something unrelated, and get her used to just TALKING openly first, and see where that leads after that's "normal" instead of something to steer away from.

Have you told her you're ready to get help for this? And asked her to go to counseling with you, even if it's to help her deal with how it's made her feel as well? You've taken the first step already - admitting it's a real problem, and not something you can just stop without help. Don't stop now, take the next step and look for a therapist or counselor who can help, or a group that specializes in porn addiction who can recommend your next step. Ask your wife if she'd be willing to be involved, but accept it if she's not ready to just yet. Whatever they recommend - stick with it. Don't make the mistake so many people do with addictions and changing behavior and figure if you change for a few weeks you're done - stick with it til the advisor, therapist, whoever you see feels you're ready, and be prepared to have to go back if you feel the urge to give in arise. It's always easier to catch something early on than after you're back in a pattern, better safe than sorry. I'd also consider showing her your post, some may disagree with me here, but it clearly shows what you really think of her, and that you recognize what you're in danger of losing permanently, if you haven't already. And I'd have the therapy, or whichever route you choose, lined up and started before talking to her about it; your intentions are more than just words then. Your actions are a big factor in regaining trust, having those words backed up will speak louder than anything you can say that you've acknowledged the problem and are actively doing something about it. Do you need the computer for work or anything like that? If getting rid of it isn't an option, how about getting a third party to "clean" it of all but the programs you need, ditching the net, and using public access for email where porn isn't an option? If you don't need it, maybe at least put it in storage with a friend where that temptation at least won't be there. If you don't use your credit cards for anything else - give those to your wife or someone you trust as well. If you were an alcoholic in the initial stages of recovery, you wouldn't keep it in your house or be around others drinking, so get rid of as much temptation as possible, and find yourself something, preferably something that requires a LOT of concentration, to do when you find yourself antsy. Best of luck to you - I hope you've managed to get help in time to save your marriage, at the very least though, follow through and get your self respect back.

I've always found intelligence attractive, rather than nerdy. Unless we're talking "Revenge of the Nerds" appearance here, and a guy who would rather spend the night coding than talking, it's a plus. I like reading, learning, intelligent debates and discussions, as well as fun - being able to be mentally challenged is a huge bonus for lively arguments, which I FAR prefer to being bored. I'd rather be "on my toes" mentally than carry on desultory conversations about the weather, it makes for a lot more interest getting to know someone when you learn something new from those "quiet" nights sitting talking! *sighs* My Achilles Heel - I'm a sucker for a challenge.

Was this your bf or the buddy from your earlier posts? And was this an online thing, or both online and RL? If it was mostly online or all online, you're on the right track... but instead of just targeting the convos and stuff, change as much as you can, get rid of the visual reminders from the timeframe. Change your wallpaper, your screensaver, anything that you can't bear to delete that reminds you of him - write it off to CD and then delete it off your computer so you don't have immediate in your face reminders. Change your IM color scheme. Literally, clean house, your avatar, EVERYTHING, because otherwise you'll end up remembering comments and things that went with them. If there was anything colorwise that he didn't like and you did? Rebel a little, redo everything in a style that appeals to just you. Get a new haircut or color, get your nails done, ANYTHING that kicks "you" up a notch and is just for you, and makes you feel good about yourself.

Honestly - I'd go with it for now, you still have plenty of time to see where this is going before she has her baby, and even MORE time before the "father figure" would come into play. By the time that happens, you should have a better feel for if you want to be that deeply involved with her and her child, or if you're not ready. And talk to her as well about your feelings and what you're worried about, she's already confided in you that she wants to be loved for herself, not for someone feeling like they should "take care of her and her baby." Making it an open subject for discussion the whole way through should make it easier for both of you to worry less about what the other is thinking and feeling. Much better to be honest about your concerns with her, and be able to both understand what each of you is thinking and feeling than have to guess, and it would be a shame to distance yourself when things are clicking so well without seeing how your feelings develop as her pregnancy progresses. It's to your credit you're concerned about possible issues arising if things don't work - just be careful not to overthink so much that you're scared to go with how you feel. It's even more to your credit you're thinking of the child as "hers" and not making an issue out of another man having gotten her pregnant - that's a leap in thinking that makes me wonder if you're worried yourself at how quickly your feelings for her are developing, and worried about getting hurt yourself if things don't work out, because you'd be losing more than just her. I'd definitely give it a chance, sometimes you have to risk a little more to gain the same. If you don't, you're always going to wonder if you chose to lose something before you really had it.

Honestly - this is something that may come up again, what happens when his friends have bachelor parties? A lot of them get strippers, would you expect him to not go if one would be there? Would you not go to a bachelorette party if there was going to be a male stripper? A LOT of actual strip clubs have VERY strict rules about sexual contact with the customers - as in, act like a hooker on the side, get fired. They're there to dance, not to "perform" in that manner. If a guy wants to look for a quick lay, that's generally not where they go. Much easier to talk to friends about who "puts out" easily. If he's looking to cheat on you, whether he goes to a strip club isn't going to make a difference one way or the other. If you can trust his intentions at a regular bar where there's more women hitting on guys, you should be able to trust him almost anywhere. That's what it comes down to - why do you feel like you can't trust him? Is there things he says or does that gives that impression, or is it a combination of the other things you've mentioned, the hanging out with his friends when they're not making the effort to be real friends, and the other things you've mentioned? One more thing to consider - guys can get horny pretty easily lol... but it says something that rather than pursue whatever or whoever got his hormones kicked up a notch - he comes home to you, because it's not really them he wants, it's you. Talk to him instead of confronting him - he may well avoid the subject if he thinks you'll be emotional and hurt, thinking he's doing you a favor, when it really just adds to the feeling there's something to feel bad about. Even if it's something you're not thrilled with, it's always easier being told honestly than letting the imagination go into overdrive and having to wonder.

Wasn't this the same guy who was verbally abusive to you even when he wasn't drunk? Has he gotten any help for that, or are you feeling guilty because he wants another chance and you feel bad for saying "No?" All I can say is, if he REALLY loves you, he'll go to counseling and get that outside viewpoint before trying to talk you back into his life. Anyone can force themselves to behave differently for a week or two - even if you still love him, you have to love yourself enough to protect yourself from getting back into a situation you just got out of. J is right - the thought of what he COULD be like if he'd really changed isn't the same as how he is - remind yourself of why you left in the first place. If you have to, write it down so you can't think to yourself "maybe it wasn't really that bad."

well, if memory serves corrently... the most fertile days of a woman's cycle are on average day 11-17 or so on a normal 28 day cycle... but day 1 is the first day of your menses, so if she had a normal 7 day period - she needs to check. Sperm can live in a woman's body for about five to seven days, hence the variation in days (double checked on that too, since I wasn't sure I was remembering right). "As the average menstrual cycle lasts 28 days (starting with the first day of one period and ending with the first day of the next menstrual period), most women ovulate on day 14. At this time, some women experience minor discomfort in their lower abdomen, spotting, or bleeding, while others do not experience any symptoms at all. A woman is generally most fertile (able to become pregnant) a few days before, during, and after ovulation." - from a gyn website.

Well, not as the main gift I guess, but one thing I did a ways back was make a bunch of "coupons" I put in a card, "redeemable" for different things, everything from a full body massage to an action/guy movie night, some romantic, some sexy, some funny - he got a kick out of it (and didn't waste time redeeming them, either

And anyone who would choose a drug lifestyle over keeping a family together has problems - which was the point of the post. Whether it's harmful in and of itself is besides the point, it's BECOME an issue in this case, which was a good part of what was being pointed out, nobody said it caused brain rot that made him act this way, simply that it was an issue, that and his gf. I didn't see any propaganda here, except yours.

See a doctor - if it's an infection, you want to catch it as soon as possible before it can damage any of the delicate tubes and so forth inside. Swallow any embarrassment and get it seen to asap!

Ok... I'm not clear on if you guys were friends outside of work, or just for things like going out to lunch or breaks etc. It sounds like part of the problem was not being sure of how to deal with him from the get go when he became your supervisor. Understandable, and probably something you guys should've talked about right at the beginning with his promotion, but water under the bridge if you didn't, and just something to keep in mind for the future. It IS possible to be friends with someone you work with. The biggest thing I've found is drawing a clear line/separating between how you interact on a professional level, and how you react "off the job" so to speak. And it really does mean you've got to talk to each other and make clear that work is work, you'll accept and indeed encourage being treated as any other employee for job related things, and the "friends" only comes into play on breaks, lunch, and after hours. I had one of my best friends, and before that, my mom, as direct supervisors, so I know it can work, with well, work. After hours etc the superior/subordinate positions have to cease to exist. During work, they must exist at all times. Anything else hurts either the friendship, or creates an environment where there's favoritism, which will lead to other problems at work. Separate issue - gossip. Rule number one - if it's interesting enough for you to tell someone, odds are they will ALSO find it interesting enough to repeat. You have to hope their judgement of who they repeat it TO is sound. Everyone needs a confidante, and NOT everyone is a great judge of who can keep a secret. Sounds like he misjudged who HE could trust as well. (I'm sure he didn't ask this third person to go repeating what he said either, you know?) Best bet with office gossip? If you have to talk to someone about what's going on at work - make it a party you DON'T work with. Your personal trust was betrayed - but professionally he really didn't do any more than you had - he repeated gossip. It sounds like there was still some tension over his change in position related to you, and acting unprofessionally (using poor judgement) was the human mistake you both made. As it seems you've concluded yourself, it should've ended here. You should've confronted him directly after hours and told him directly he betrayed your trust by repeating something you'd asked him to keep private. Retaliating the way you did you already know was wrong. I'd have to say whether or not the friendship can be salvaged, apologizing is the right thing to do. Ask him to meet you after work hours for a cup of coffee and sit down and go over this with him honestly. You'll get to apologize for your part, and from what you're saying, he'd probably apologize as well. Clear the air, and then talk to him about the possibility of remaining friends, or rebuilding your friendship. At the very least you won't have the tension of this unresolved conflict hovering over the both of you. To answer your questions bluntly... 1. No, it doesn't, and it really shouldn't have had anything to do with his becoming your superior. You'll know not to let things go this far without talking things out and arriving at a mutual understanding before anything like this happens again though - consider it a valuable lesson. You're GOING to make friends with people in the departments you work in throughout your life - and there's surely no guarantee, as a matter of fact it's inevitable, you won't generally get promoted at the same time. You don't need to lose friends every time this happens, you just need to know how to handle it when it comes up. 2. Avoiding the situation - I wouldn't. This isn't the personal or professional impression you want to leave with this guy, or anyone else you know. It's also not something you need tapping on your shoulder nagging at you. Take a deep breath, tell discomfort and pride to take a coffee break with each other (or take a long walk over a cliff for a while), and get approaching him to talk about it calmly over with. Even if you can't save the friendship per se, you'll feel better knowing you didn't run from it and tried to straighten things out.

I dunno about nuts... How about self-centered, thoughtless, and amoral? I'd only tolerate this crap if I absolutely HAD to, that kind of attitude is just... UGH. Just hope the karma police are keeping track of her and what goes around will indeed come around on this one, because I don't think much else will penetrate that granite masquerading as a skull resting on her neck...

*shrugs* I'd have to say in general the same for gay and straight should be similar - and I've always tried to be nice but honest enough it can't be leading on for the "future possibility" of something... "I find your interest flattering, but I don't feel the kind of attraction to you I should to date you and sincerely return that interest; I'd rather be upfront with that and have you as a friend if it's possible than lead you to think otherwise and feel betrayed later on." I know no matter how you turn someone down it's going to sting at least... but from what I've seen both on these forums and elsewhere, the "not knowing for certain" and allowing for a possibility that doesn't exist can hurt a lot more in the long run, even if it's meant kindly.

Both guys and girls, I like subtler stuff, guys a woodsy or spicy scent, polo, obsession etc, for myself, I like the body sprays mostly, fresh and light enough to spray all over without being overpowering. Occasionally the perfume scents - Obsession, Sunflowers, or Giorgio - but once again, I usually go for the bath/shower gel or bath beads for the all-over hint instead of the scent walking into the room ahead of me!

I'd just tell her very bluntly that friendship, like anything else, takes effort on the part of BOTH people to make it work - no effort from her means there's no viable friendship, and you're not so desperate for friends that you'll settle for that. If she changes her mind, she can let you know, but you're done trying under these conditions. Even she should be able to grasp that

Thing is, if she reacts at all, angry or upset, she's gonna make it "fun" for them. They'll have a reason to continue if they're getting much of a reaction. Even if she "tops" what they say, it'll just turn into a challenge for someone to come up with a remark she doesn't have a comeback to, like an immature competition. If she can ignore what they say, just act like it's beneath notice, boring and completely ignore them to the point of looking through them, it won't be fun, they'll move on to a more interesting target for their games. It's the equivalent of these idiots teasing someone's dog with a stick - when the dog walks away and doesn't respond to being provoked, there's no point. LOL, I'm not equating your gf to a dog... I'm making a comment on the maturity of their mentality there