The Morrigan

Ok, then basically we still are on the same page And just had different ideas to go about giving the same impression. (This is pretty amusing, cause if I'm remembering right from your posts, you're a guy, I'm a girl, and we're seeing this pretty much identically!)

You're right - he can take the time to make you more than a last minute impulse. You shouldn't need to drop what you're doing to run off because he *gasp* had the grace to do something with him and bask in his presense! (Sorry for the sarcasm, but I swear, this gets me every time...) He CAN consider things at least a few days, at least a few HOURS or a day, ahead of time, and let you make your plans around it, instead of having to jump at his whim. I doubt his practice was scheduled that day - he impulsively asked you, and shouldn't have been offended when you were still asleep and didn't want to jump right out of bed to watch. To his mind he thinks he's trying because he's asking - but really, he's only acting on last minute impulses, and not taking you into consideration ahead of time when it really matters, or he'd call ahead "Hey, you got plans for Thursday evening? Good - don't make any, I found a nice place that has good (food item), you up for it?" That doesn't take much effort now, just a little forethought, and a little consideration that there's more to life than him. If you can talk to him calmly when he settles down, try to get your point accross by telling him if you ate an early dinner not knowing you'd get an invite, you sure aren't going to want to go out to eat! See if he gets the point when it's in unemotional and reality terms. If not - it's pretty self centered and immature not to be able to see your point, and he still needs some growing up!

I dunno how old you are - but most of us girls are familiar with it by our late teens tops - and it's not offensive, we know it has a mind of it's own! (And we're just glad that's a thing we don't have to deal with )

You don't want her hanging out with you at all if you're nothing more than the last defense against being bored and sitting home, do you? You're better than being someone's fallback plan or puppet on a string. So you have NOTHING to lose by expecting a little effort here. If she's interested in keeping your company - she'll make a bit of an effort to show it, it's that simple. There's plenty of other pretty girls out there; next time you're tempted to be "nice" to the point of always answering to her convenience picture a spaniel puppy panting at her feet - because that's what she's gonna see if you don't show you put some things before her. You can still be NICE, just don't be always AVAILABLE to be nice! If she calls - at least half of the time, you're busy. No, I don't care if you were setting up dominoes in a pattern because you were bored, or the most exciting plan you had was giving your dog a flea bath - you are BUSY. "Sorry, can you call me back in an hour or two? I'm really tied up now, sorry, catch you later!" Note - you're telling her she can call YOU back here - breaking the normal rules, right? Not polite normally, right? But in this case, you don't want to sound like you're rushing through what you're "busy" with and dying to speak to her - she needs the impression of "glad you called, bad time though - hey, feel free to try again!" Don't get too specific on what you've got to do either - a little wondering never hurt anyone, since she's not your gf, let her wonder what else you're doing with your time. And if this goes against your "nice guy" instincts - you can mix it up a little and be the one to call her back SOMETIMES. But don't make a habit of it. MSN - this is the first point I'd differ with Hero_99 (we same to have much the same views on this girl), I'd treat the SAME as the phone at least. Answer her, but don't pursue her, and half the time she messages - you're sorry, but you're in a chat/writing a paper/playing an online game/talking to a cool chick from your math class... you get the idea. Want to keep her off balance? Once a week TOPS message her, and sound very happy and outgoing "HEY!! Good to see ya, I've been busy, so, how's things there? Catch me up!" And at least the majority of the time - make sure YOU are the one to "have to go," both on the phone and MSN, and leave with a bang, a little flirty comment to keep her thinking. "Hey, sorry to cut ya short, but my friend's gonna be here any minute, gimme a cute smile and think of me -I'll be thinking of ya, ciao babe!" Think about it - a sentence like that can say a bunch of things at once, 1) your time isn't her exclusive property, 2) you DO have other friends you can spend that time with, 3) you think she's attractive, 4) you're leaving on a "I'm a fun guy" note, and 4) she WILL end up thinking of you. You're not ignoring her completely, you're not blowing her off, you're simply making it clear the sun does NOT rise and set by her wishes, you have this thing called a life as well, and if she wants a part in it, she has to MAKE her place, not have the red carpet rolled out for her if she breathes a word. Yeah, some girls simply appreciate a guy making time for them, though it's never good to be so available you end up taken for granted, but some really will NOT get that you're not a sad eyed puppy unless you make the POINT of having a life beyond her - and she seems like one of them.

The thing is - you can't avoid getting attached completely, and still be doing your job when it's a field like this. You can get used to the idea that goodbyes will happen - but when some of them don't pull at your heart, you're in the wrong field. You just have to accept that with the satisfaction and joy of being able to make a little bit of a difference, comes the pain that to make a difference to more than one or two, you've got to let go when the time comes. It will be hard, you will cry no few tears from time to time, but you'll learn to get the most out of knowing that you made a difference, a spot of hope, or a temporary shelter for no few people. You can't avoid some attachment on the part of the children either - but the biggest mistake I see is underestimating just how much children can understand when given the chance - if you're honest and explain this is part of classes for you, so when you finish, you can help more children, and unfortunately this does mean you'll have to leave to take the rest of your classes - you'd be surprised at how well simple honest explanations go over. Most kids, especially ones in shelters, have had more than a fill of vague answers and placating designed to protect them. Your care and concern are much to your credit, I'm impressed with the way you're considering the feelings of everyone involved - including yourself. If this is the field you're going into - they're going to get one heck of an asset - and I hope someone appreciates that!

From what you've written, you've got a pretty darned good attitude considering what you're going through, keep it up! I can imagine how tempting it would be to umm, well let's just say I can think of several ways of making Sam suffer, creative ones But seriously, you've already shown yourself to be the better person by far in this mess - and I don't think you should give that up. Your families and mutual friends, and even schoolmates, from what you say, know what happened, and are NOT going to think highly of him - or her for that matter. And what do you think the odds are of any of his "friends" trusting him within speaking distance of any girl they're involved with are? He has broken one of the few "rules" in the "love and war" game, and he's going to pay more for it by being shunned than anything you could do to him physically - all the more contrast the more you're able to carry on and treat the rest of your friends (he doesn't count, obviously) decently. Somehow I doubt he and Ashley are going to see any invites to places you're invited to - for a LONG time. His character lacks something - well, it lacks CHARACTER, and she's chosen to hook up with him, while it's sad to see her caught up with him, this is definitely one of those things that usually will bite them in the end. They're already trying to make you out to be a bad person for things you haven't done - don't blow it by giving them ammunition now, spend time with your friends and family and let yourself take the support they offer, and don't waste any more thoughts on them than you absolutely have to. You need to worry about you right now - not them.

I'm afraid I see it similarly - he thinks you're fun, and he's physically attracted to you, but he doesn't intend to give up his gf either. Good ol' Joe seems like the type in the day who would be caught in games of slap and tickle with the maid in the pantry, if you understand what I'm saying - he likes having a steady reliable - but he doesn't want to miss out on any fun either. You deserve better than that - it's nice to be attractive to someone who's attractive to you, and that feels good - but you deserve to have their mind on you as a person with a BIT more committment than this one!

Depends more on how he presents himself than if he's carrying a few extra pounds - far prefer a guy who looks decent and has a good personality who happens to have a few extra than someone who looks like they don't care what they look like, or has the personality of a cabbage!

Sounds like you might be judging yourself a little harshly, if anything... You did the best you could with the place you were at at the time, with no wrong intentions towards anyone, and that's all any of us can do. The day we stop taking the chances that come with the risk of making mistakes is the day we stop growing and learning, so don't beat yourself up about it. 8)

You're not crazy. I worked for a company with a similar policy - now mind, I've never held a job for less than 6 months to a year, mostly longer. I lasted, oh, I think 4 weeks. 1-10 minutes late - was like 1/4 occurrence sick - yep, occurrence, and it didn't matter if you were dying. And no, they didn't care HOW legitimate the excuse was. The reason? They offered perfect attendance bonuses. Sounds great - except they were almost impossible to achieve. The parking lot didn't have enough spaces, there was construction on the road in, heck, there was a bomb threat and nobody was ALLOWED to enter the building one evening. *shrugs* What it came down to was unless you planned to get there at least 30 minutes early and then sat in the break room til shift, you didn't stand a hope of collecting that bonus. Assuming you could live with the job for 9 months. And the only way you could get a day off for anything was to swap - if nobody wanted your shift, emergencies didn't matter. The turnover rate, as you can imagine, was tremendous. Try not to get fired, since it's in your best interests to have you leaving voluntarily on your record - but write a nice resignation letter as soon as it's reasonable stating you don't feel you can fairly meet the company's requirements at this time, and get something else if you can. Temp agencies can be a good place to start - a lot of places end up hiring their temps if they're impressed, and you have the chance to see how the employees are treated BEFORE you sign on the dotted line.

Question - is she calling you much of the time, and how is her general tone, lighthearted, or you get the impression she really wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her? Ok... I'm going to assume she's playing absolutely straight with you here, and those have positive answers for the rest of this. If you're unsure, refer back to plan A, lol. She wants to be with you, you want to be with her, but she doesn't want to deal with her mom's reaction if she really goes for it. It doesn't sound like her feelings for you are the real issue here, but not knowing how to handle the conflict. Somehow methinks her mom would be less upset to find out you're back together than that her daughter is sleeping with you, with no committment. And no matter how hard you try, these things do tend to come out. That would be one of my biggest concerns at the moment, is that this will become something like an affair - except the other party is her mom. Not a great situation. And if it comes to light, certainly not one that would make mom look on you more favorably. Plus, the fact that it would be behind her back is BOUND to get stressful after the first flush of joy at being with each other. I don't know how completely you've discussed your concerns and fears with her - both for her, and for you as a couple, but if you haven't covered everything, now would be the time. She's obviously torn over what to do. If you have to, write down everything you can think of, how much it hurts you to see her in this position, your fears about her growing away from you if you don't see her without the committment, and the problems you see coming up if you do. Including how you feel about sleeping with her, without any committment - do you feel like it's doing an injustice or is disrespectful to her? Like you're not sure if you'll always be a guilty secret? Like you'd feel insecure in her feelings? Anything at all that applies - you need to make it known. If you haven't laid everything on the table, at this point I would. Maybe between you, if you lay everything out, you can come to some sort of decision based on how you both feel - whether it's you talking to her mom with her, her having a little more time to talk to her herself, or whether you decide to bow to her conditions at this time. You can't make the best decision without both of you having all the information - not only how you feel, but what you're both willing to do to reach something that you can both deal with. Be as calm and supportive as possible, and ask her to be 100% honest with you about everything that's making this such a hard decision for her. You can only take steps to deal with what you know about. And don't decide anything after talking right at the moment - tell her to think on what you've said, you think on anything she said that's new information to you, and THEN talk about possible solutions to this tangle. You need a clear mind to think beyond the immediate need to do ANYTHING to get with her in some way, to how it will affect both of you weeks or months down the line. So really weigh and consider everything for a day or two before you act on it.

If only people who are willing to use other people for their own esteem were limited to online relationships it would be easy - sorry to have to disagree with that. Weeding out the users and players, and even confused people, in real life isn't any easier than online - or this forum wouldn't be so well populated!

Unfortunately, I think chances are all you're going to be able to do is learn from this experience. Trust is a pretty fragile thing, much more easily shattered than built, and in this case, it was a double whammy - his girlfriend, and his friend. You already know what you did was terribly wrong. Now you're going to have to do some serious soul searching to figure out why you didn't have the control to come to sense before you followed through on this, why the brakes weren't working so to speak to slam them on, because your conscience should have been screaming in your ear, and so should your friend's. It didnt, or not in time, and the why may be something about yourself you don't like finding, but until you figure it out, you can't start to do something about it. Since you probably can't fix this situation - it's now your less than enjoyable job to learn from it what you can. The best you can do now with your ex is give him a heartfelt apology, accept responsibility for it, and leave him to decide on his own whether or not he wants to approach you again. Oh, and IMO, if you want to have a snowball's chance in hell of even being on speaking terms with him again - ditch the friend; any guy who sleeps with his friend's girl has shown no respect or thought for either of them or for their relationship. To me that's not much of a friend, I've had better enemies. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's honest.

hmm, question first I guess - are there any specific "triggers" when you're in the relationship that start to raise the red flags of getting too close, or is it just the amount of time you're in it?

You already seem to have a pretty firm grasp on her motives and why she got involved, then bailed. The part that I don't like is you putting the blame on yourself - you can't automatically distrust people's intentions, you didn't know just how insecure she was about being left for someone less attractive, it wasn't something you could have anticipated. It's always a gamble - but if you don't trust people at all, and get too cynical, it closes the door on chances before they materialize. Yeah, I'm sure you know this already... but it never hurts to hear it from another person. She was completely in the wrong here - as soon as she knew she wasn't going into a relationship with you for the right reasons - she should have been honest, at whatever cost to herself. Letting you go as far as to visit, sleep with you, and then turn you down... and then degrade you was just plain inexcuseable. Don't let her perception of sleeping with you get to you - the only thing that made it seem that way to her was because she KNEW she was being dishonest. She made her bed, both literally and figuratively. Now she's reaping the results - but do not allow her feelings to taint your view of yourself or your actions. Her deception hurts, and that's nothing to be ashamed of - but don't let her attempts to make herself feel vindicated affect you - she is the only one who should have to live with that part of what she has done. Not all of us girls are this deceitful!!!!

Honestly - I'd stick with the flirting, it's pretty disrespectful to actually tell her how you feel when she's in a relationship that's going well, and might make her uncomfortable around you. Look around for girls you at least find attractive and fun to be around to go out with, even if there's not one in particular you want a gf/bf relationship with. If she happens to become available and you still are, great, there will be time to let her know you're not just being a flirt, but like her. For now, you're better off the way you are, just don't sit around just waiting on her breaking up!

You're not going to be able to get a definite yes or no from people's opinions - you're gonna have to find a way to talk to him if you're considering ending the friendship over this. It's not the kind of thing you can say "oops, I'm sorry" afterwards when you're thinking of taking action like that if you're mistaken. That would be a sure way to blow ANY chance, including friendship, and wouldn't exactly give a great impression to your other friends either. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but that's wrong - you make friends with someone, then want to end it if you develop feelings and they don't? How would you feel in the same position? I know you're upset thinking you made out with him, and now don't know if he returns your attraction, but I think that's a snap judgement you could come to regret. Sometimes it pays to take a step back and really think. Let me ask this - why would you consider ending a friendship if it turns out he sees you as a friend and not a girlfriend prospect? Is it because you don't like him as a friend, because it would hurt you, or because you feel he shouldn't have taken the opportunity to make out with you if he wasn't interested?

I'm trying to get a grasp on what's really going on here - while there was a lot of emotion and free thought in your story, it kind of made it hard to pick out specific events. So, let me see what I'm getting as far as events go, and you can correct me on anything I'm wrong on Your boyfriend broke up with you... and you feel you moved into a new relationship with someone who was more mentor and comforter to you too fast. Seeing and hearing from your ex was what brought this home to you. Now you're wondering if your ex's actions when he came over to pick up his things had any other significance, or if he was just "being a guy" and not thinking your feelings would be upset all over again? And you realize you need to talk to the guy you're currently with, though you don't want to hurt him. Are we on the same page so far? I hope so Or I've read things all wrong! I don't have any idea of the timeline on any of this, which makes it a little harder to say much... Short though it was, I agree with Gilgamesh as far as your realizations. Seems you're thinking your current boyfriend was a buffer or cushion against really getting over your ex, he was there when you badly needed someone, and he filled part of the void that was left, but you really weren't ready to commit wholeheartedly to a relationship. You hadn't finished the grieving or healing process. I honestly doubt his intentions of anything more than what he said. He may have been curious if you'd gotten over him, and no doubt he wanted his stuff back, but usually it's a fault of the party who wanted the breakup and moves on faster to be blind or oblivious to the fact that the other had not yet recovered, and contact only brings pain. And at least in my experience, guys always look at least a little differently at someone they've been intimate with - and it doesn't mean they have any intention of doing anything. You need to take time for yourself and figure out a few things... One, what do you want for yourself, apart from what your emotions are telling you? You broke up for a reason. He still has the power to hurt you. That's something you don't want him to keep. Two, if he hadn't contacted you and put your feelings in a turmoil - how were you feeling about your current relationship BEFORE that? Content? Happy? Just "safe?" It's important not to make quick judgement calls when you've just been slapped backwards in time, so consider carefully before jumping in any direction. Three, consider yourself first, and really think about what you want from a relationship, and how you can evaluate yourself in relation to that. Are you ready, or do you need time to build on yourself first? When you can answer as much about yourself as possible, in your heart you'll know what you need to do.

If you want to give it another shot at some point, by all means be friends, BUT (and this can sounds weird), don't forget to treat her like a girl. A little teasing, flirtatious comments, occasional compliment etc make it much clearer you're not looking at her as JUST a "buddy," but keeps it apparent you're acknowledging her as an attractive female - if there's no byplay and attraction there, it's easy to kind of flow into a very platonic friendship - and that's hard to recover a spark from. Friendship and trust very are important for a stable relationship - but keeping a definite guy/girl acknowledgement is essential, IMO, to have her not look past you when she's thinking of boyfriend material, but AT you as someone in the category for consideration.

Sounds like a bad judgement call on her part to try to give a last "friendly note". What she didn't take into consideration was that while she's had someone to help her move on - you haven't gotten quite that far yet, and her gesture backfired. She wanted to feel like things were "ok" as far as no hard feelings - and instead of accomplishing that, seems like it just brought everything back to the present for you. I don't think there was any malicious intent here though, just lack of forethought, and a good intention with bad results for you, sorry it happened that way.

It's been 2 years, so I doubt it would be a problem, but if you're still good friends with all of them it would be a nice gesture to check, at least to mention your intentions and say you hope there wouldn't be any hard feelings about it. Apart from that - by all means, go for it.

He probably feels he won't be able to get as involved with this girl and do the try at a relationship with her justice if he's torn between you and her. If he's emotionally tangled up with you, he'd continue to depend on that, and it would leave the relationship he's trying pretty hollow and superficial. He needs to see if he can get involved with her to the same extent, and this is probably his only viable option at trying that - it's all too easy to stay dependent on someone for emotional support and love once that level of attachment has been established, and depending on the depth, it could take on the same significance as cheating in his mind. I'm sorry it had to come to a choice, because I know how it leaves you with unresolved feelings and a void where he was, but try to accept his feelings for you were too strong to reconcile as just friendship, and let him go as best you can.

Trust takes time. Your actions will speak louder than any words, but there are things to avoid - like even in the most heated argument, saying you're leaving, making comments referring to having left before, personal slams, etc. I know when tempers rise (and hey, it happens to everyone on occasion) it's very easy to slip and say something you absolutely don't mean, but when you're trying to build trust and a sense of permanency, it's important to try to think before you speak. Apart from that, simply being there and a constant will do more than any words can say - don't neglect the words, but when you want someone to be able to depend on you, demonstrating they can speaks louder than anything.

I hate to say it, but you're being played, big time. Look at this from an outsider's view - she makes plans with you, then ditches them when something with her friends comes up, and acts as if you're at fault for expecting her to follow through. Regardless of what her words say - she's basically keeping you there because she's figured out even if she does something like that, you'll find a way to accept her actions and continue to accept whatever she's willing to give you. She's doing just enough to ensure you'll stay interested, and leave all her own options open, from the sounds of it. No matter how nice she is to talk to, or how pretty, you deserve more than being kept on a string while she figures out what she wants. You want to find out if she could be interested? Stop being so available for her. She suggests meeting up? Tell her you don't know, it depends what comes up before that time, you'll have to get back to her on it. The last thing that will give her any incentive to think you're not going to be a doormat is being able to have you subject to her whims. She needs to have the idea she has to make an EFFORT to get some of your time, not to have you there at HER convenience. Personally, I don't think people who need this much "playing the game" are worth pursuing... but if you want to get anywhere with her, realize now the chivalrous and nice rules are out, and the sometimes crude and arrogant is in. She seems used to dealing with "players," and all bets on being nice are off. Where you see you're being considerate, she sees OWNED. She says something about a guy grabbing her butt? You've got options, but none are being sympathetic or "yeah, guys like that just tick me off." She can get that from her girlfriends. What she's probably USED to is more like "Well babe, what you expect when you shake that fine thing around?" or "If I'm gonna hear about butt grabbing, I'd better be the one grabbing it hehe!" You get the idea. There are plenty of girls who appreciate nice guys, but she sounds like she likes the games, so use your judgement. If you're not the type to enjoy playing, someone who lives by those rules will bring nothing but grief.

Wrong - you can get a restraining order for stalking and harassment - stalking laws allow for that. He's contacting you through numbers he had to track down, and using numbers to do it knowing you've blocked his and others you know of - that's crossing the line. I'd give him an ultimatum if it's starting to interfere with your job and take some control over this situation before it gets even more out of hand.