The Morrigan

lol, I was the token female in a D&D group in HS. I don't have time to RPG anymore really unfortunately, so I haven't had a chance to get into some of the online games, which damn it, I'd like to... I did get into Half Life, played CS and Jedi with a couple friends, and had another friend suggest trying America's Army, so if I ever clear all my paperwork I'm gonna flex my fingers and see if I still remember how... As long as it doesn't take over your time, I don't see a problem with gaming at all, it IS a good way to release some stress (picture frustrating person on receiving end of scope it doesn't depend on the weather, and it can be fit in to YOUR schedule as time permits, unlike some other things. I wouldn't be put off by someone being a gamer, I'd just hope they'd be willing to offer lessons to a rank amateur (since I'm horribly out of practice) cause I think it would be a fun thing to do together sometimes. Got a few friends who game from time to time with their guys, and they sure don't have a problem with it either

SHE needs to tell her family if they start looking askance at you. This is her family, it's not grade school, she's an adult, and I'm sure she knew there was a possibility it would have to come out before she got herself in this position. Whether she tells them everything, or just tells them "I messed up, before we started counseling I was really stupid, and I did something I neither expect or condone being forgiven for" and leave it at that, she DOES need to make clear, if it becomes an issue, that you were willing to go to counseling, and she did something that killed that possibility. Why? Because it's not right to let the people closest start taking automatic sides if she's acting upset. They will assume you did something more than likely, not her. You've been slapped hard enough with this, you DON'T need accusations flung in your direction. Look, I've been in your position. Actually, I was in the position where my (now separated) husband wanted ME to tell HIS family we were separated! AND his friends. I put my foot down after I managed to stop feeling sorry for him (yes, I felt sorry for him even though his actions necessitated the separation, go figure) and told him - "your family, your responsibility - you didn't act like an adult when I wanted to work something out, now's your chance." It should only be you telling them if there's no other choice. It IS her family, and they ARE her responsibility. Hey, screwing up was her choice, nobody forced her or coerced her, now it's time to start paying the price. And you telling her will look more vindictive than her. If she absolutely won't and they seem to be looking in your direction - have someone you trust tell them rather than you directly, preferably a mutual friend they won't look for having any motive BUT straightening things out. Someone who can tell them "Look, I know in a way it's none of my business, but A (your wife) doesn't want to tell you she was unfaithful because she doesn't want to lose your respect, and B (you) doesn't want to dirty her name to clear his own and look like a jerk. But as her family, I figure you'd still love her regardless, and should know the score to be able to give her the support/reassurance she needs" or something like that. I am sorry she took your trust and stomped on it without thinking of all the consequences - nobody should have to go through this. And she has no right to ask you to take the blame more or less in exchange for keeping her reputation lily white. If you're worried about the agreement, sure, get her to sign first, but don't let yourself get roped into covering things up for her to the people that don't want to accept "it's a mutual agreement." The ones that just ask out of curiosity you can indeed say "it's none of your business, really. It was between her and I, we're in agreement, that should be enough for you, no offense." Her family, and any very close friends you have are another story. You'll need support - and they can't know that without knowing at least an idea of what went on. Take care of yourself...

I'd have a talk with your mate and tell him how much he's hurting and upsetting her with his actions - if he's trying to get her attention, he may not realize how much he's actually hurting her when she's trying to be strong for him, and if he really cares about her, he wouldn't want to put her through something like this. Has he done this (SI) before in other situations or is this something new?

Sounds like a crush in the simplest/purest sense of the word, if you were attracted to a movie star or something with a crush, you wouldn't relate it to your relationship, so I'd just enjoy it for the crush it is, admire from afar so to speak, if you're happy and love your BF... you know your BF makes you happy, and you know you love him, but you have no way of REALLY knowing what a relationship would be like with B. And if it wasn't all it's thought it could be, well, work relationships, especially if they're not going so well, can be messy, and you'd be out a BF.

Writing and computer (photoshop) art - I'm hopeless when it comes to verbal - even over IMs! I freeze in real-time if it's anything emotional or if I have to be expressive!

I have the same problem lol... a good friend of mine has expressed similar sentiments. I've tried to make it very clear I'm not going to encourage him, because though I like him, I'm just not interested in him as a boyfriend, there's no "click" there on my side. I have backed off a bit as far as how much contact I maintain, and I've been very honest with him as to why, telling him I don't want him to feel closer to me than he does already, to become more dependent on my company. siefer - it's hard to define, it's not that he's not someone I enjoy talking to, I do, and not that he isn't a great guy, he is... and he's attractive enough, I just don't feel any of those attraction sparks with him. It's not something deliberate or a conscious choice, and nothing to demean him as a person, which has to be one of the hardest things to explain, since it defies logic.

Do what you can to move at her pace, and try to make some of your dates more "fun and impulsive" than just typical romantic type ones, it helps keep the pressure low and show her your fun side as well. Like, if you take her to a club to listen to music one night, mix it up with bowling or mini golf or something another, something that gives a lot of openings for teasing and laughter, lol, and some flirting without it being obviously "relationship" oriented. The better she feels about each time she sees you, the more she's gonna want to see you

I have to agree with avman - there's a point you draw the line, especially when this is someone I'm assuming she knows in person? It's not appropriate; if he's doing this against her wishes, she needs to firmly tell him it's not appropriate and either he cool it, or she'll block him. He's going beyond playful good natured flirting, even if she's not seeing any real intent on his part. Sit down and talk to her openly without making it accusatory and ask her if there's a reason she hasn't blocked him - she might not have been looking at it "from the other side" so to speak. I somehow doubt she'd appreciate finding similar emails from a girl to you, so try and make sure you're on the same page

LMFAO... Now, come back in 10 years, if it's still the same, then it might not change...

Right now it sounds like she's convincing herself she did the "right" thing for herself. If you try too hard to make her give you another chance, you're basically making yourself the "opposition." Doesn't leave her much choice BUT to keep that stance against you, or admit she might be wrong, so it will push her away. You'll push her to close the door for you. Everything you've said about her recent actions and words is someone who feels guilty, and is trying to justify her own actions. If she didn't feel guilty, odds are she would just have thrown away the scrapbook, not made a point of giving it to you. It sounds like she's resentful of being in the wrong here - and it's NOT your job to make it easier for her. Regardless of what else happens, she needs to learn from her mistakes - she won't if you protect her from fully knowing and experiencing the results of making one. Think of it like this - you know if you appear to close the door, you'd be willing to open it again; if you push her to slam and lock it, are you sure she'd do the same? It also sounds like she's taking on some of the "idealistic" traits here. I know, your instinct is to defend her, but she knows you've had other stresses, it's been 5 years, and while I can see maybe asking for some time apart if things were truly unbearable (and it doesn't seem like it was that bad!), going the step further and taking up with your friend, that isn't a result of anything you did or said. Stop trying to justify what she did by blaming yourself or finding fault in yourself!!! I know I'm being a little harsh there - but you're going to get yourself into a thought pattern where she's a flawless angel and you "pushed" her to this if you keep going down this road! DON'T DO IT. You are allowed to be human and still get respect out of a relationship. Whether it was plain thoughtless or deliberately cruel doesn't change the simple fact that what she has done is WRONG. Ok, I'm going to relate it to something you'll probably see easily... a guy cheats on his wife... then tells her if she'd been more responsive to his needs, it wouldn't have happened. Now honestly, what advice would you give that woman? You gonna tell her if she'd been more open to the wild monkey sex it wouldn't've happened, so she pushed him to it? Of course not, you'd say he was looking for an excuse to shift the blame, and if it was HER who came up with the justification for him, you'd tell her "He was a jerk to you, don't try to excuse it for him." I know, it's so much easier to see it from a third party perspective than when your emotions are involved, isn't it? There's a difference between forgiveness and justification - you can forgive her without making her blameless. Please don't take the blame for something you didn't do and weren't responsible for. And I'm rambling on here... As to the date you're setting up - just treat it as that, a date, to go out, get to know someone a bit better, have a little bit of fun and distraction. There's no need to go rushing into anything more before you're ready. As long as you're honest about it with the girl, I'm sure she'll understand you're not ready to ask her for anything more yet. Don't expect miracles of yourself, take the time you need to heal and grieve a bit, but keep your focus where it belongs - on you. I'm sorry if I've come accross harsher or more bluntly than intended, but I don't want you falling into the traps I've been in, and seen many good friends fall into - you deserve to give yourself credit, not pick yourself to pieces here. It's time to be as good to yourself as you can, you really do deserve it.

Don't wait for her to take initiative - talk to your other friend, divide things up and give her, and each of you, a specific list of what she needs to do before you guys meet the next day for the next step. Then if you guys have yours, and hers is missing, it'll be easier to point out directly she needs to do her part ON TIME or she's holding up progress since there's so much to be done. I don't know how long you have to complete it - but you can try it a second time, and if she still hasn't done anything, tell her bluntly that you really like her as a person, but this is the same as a professional or business relationship, you're not willing to carry her for the grade (basically earn her grade for her), and not willing to get a bad grade because she won't work either; and if she can't do her part you will have to talk to the teacher. That's not being mean or unfair at all - you wouldn't give her the answers to a test she hadn't studied for, and you shouldn't have to earn a grade for her on this either. If you don't want to go to the teacher directly, you can always talk to the counselor and see if he/she has any alternative suggestions.

It's been much longer than that for me since I lost my mom to cancer. It's something that never goes away completely, but in time, you will remember with more of a sad and fond smile than the sharp edge of pain and grief. I won't tell you to wallow in it, but go ahead and give into your sentiment with someone close to you, someone who will look at old pictures and let you tell stories about how she was, even if you start repeating yourself, and crying, having the freedom to go over all the good times with an open ear there WILL help. When you're feeling the loss most, it helps to have someone there to listen to those stories that sum up to you how special she was, and that's nothing to try to avoid or be ashamed of. Allow yourself to remember on those particularly painful and special days, her birthday will probably be another, and let yourself both reminisce and grieve in whatever way suits you best. Trying to control it thinking you should be over it will only make it hit you out of the blue when it catches up, you've got your own schedule to grieve that's right for you, so don't even try to tell yourself when it should be fading - it will when you've given yourself the time and release you need, so don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about it! I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, take the day for yourself, and try and do a couple things to treat yourself kindly, you deserve to.

I'd STRONGLY suggest you wait til you finish school and graduate at least (I'm figuring that would be in less than a year?). You want an equal relationship - and if you're still in school, that's going to be a big difference in worlds to straddle if you move in with him now - you want to be an equal partner to him I assume? And viewed as such? Look, you guys are going to have a hard enough time with people's opinions and legalities with the age gap - but you'll lessen it immensely if you've graduated first and are in the same "world" he is during the day, where you can work or go to college and actually function completely like an adult instead of having to go between both worlds. Some things are worth the wait, and if you're sure your relationship will stand the test of time, you really have nothing to lose by exercising a little patience at this point - you've waited this long, don't blow it now.

If it was gonna put him off, he wouldn't be calling numerous times - you might have just caught him completely unprepared. If he didn't think you felt that strongly, he might have avoided thinking about his own feelings too closely as well - just relax, if he's still calling, doesn't seem you pushed him away. Give it time to settle in his head

Just tell them they're two different people, you care as much about the friendship for both, they're both unique people and just as important for that. I've had the same problem... it's hard to get accross that sometimes your actions aren't identical when your feelings run as strong for both, just because different people tend to make you show it in different ways.

It's a very intense and emotional poem, nicely done. And I'd have to say - what matters most isn't even how she, or anyone else will react, but that to you, it reflects your thoughts and feelings, always keep in mind that's the really important thing. If it does, you've accomplished something worthy, no matter what anyone else thinks.

Hey, that he has an artistic release for his emotions is a VERY good thing. I know it can be hard to accept when someone, especially your child, seems like they can't just talk to you about something, but some things are hard to understand yourself until you start putting them down in a creative way that's more expressive than simple words. Art and creativity often spring from emotion that's simply hard to express in other forms, and there's a need to find an outlet - and he's found one that's not destructive, and music is something he can carry with him, even if his tastes change. Just as he's found music and lyrics that seem to relate to how he feels and give him a sense of being less alone, his could end up doing the same for others. If I had any suggestion to make, it would be to ask him about some of what he's writing, tell him you're interested in hearing it, and discuss the meaning behind it with him - sometimes that's easier to discuss, with music as a buffer, than just trying to explain it straight out where it seems it doesn't come out quite right. It's no reflection on you - it's hard to understand that a *gasp* parent might actually understand what you're going through and feeling when it seems most of your friends even don't.

I must be the oddball here, because I'm generally happier on my own than in company, unless it's something I specifically planned for company on. I love my personal space and thinking space. One of the hardest things for me to get used to when I was married was sharing all my space with another person - I was an only child, and never had roommates, so this was really foreign to me. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, but ofttimes I enjoy going places, especially places like the bookstore, alone, where I can browse around at my own pace. Hmm, I wonder, any of you grow up with close sibs or in larger families? And any other onlies here who really enjoy being alone?

Hey - new to this thread, so sorry for barging in I'm recently separated myself from my husband of 10+ years, he cheated once, 4 years ago. In spite of that, it took me this long to get the courage to decide when trying to make the marriage work wasn't getting anywhere, and the only thing stopping me from leaving was fear, and the habit I'd gotten into of letting him control some of my choices rather than rock the boat. In spite of that, and that I have no "other" waiting in the wings, I was finally able to say "I'm burned out, I've had enough, and I'm moving on, because we are NOT doing each other any good." If their marriages are so bad they need someone else, these guys should be able to develop enough spine to do the same. They should have MORE incentive - and at least they know they have someone who loves and supports them behind and beside them all the way. From the perspective of one who left... either these guys are too afraid to make the move and call it quits, they're comfortable with the way things are, or they're not as unhappy as they claim. Let's take the two honest options, and assume they're being honest about how they feel, or at least, how they think they feel. Whether it's fear of making a messy situation, or being fairly happy with the way things are... you're contributing to him staying married in a backhanded way. Yeah, I know, not exactly what you had planned, huh? But even with the most honest intentions - these guys aren't having to face the pain of a divorce to get the love, comfort, and esteem of having someone they feel a "click" with, so it's easier to put off. The downside of living with someone they're no longer in love with, or have a lot of conflicts with, is being buffered by having that supportive person there, waiting with loving arms. Especially if the wife has made it plain she knows and has no intention of doing anything anyway - what does he have to lose by staying where he is? He's avoiding the scenes and emotional trauma of divorce, he doesn't have the fear of being "found out," and he has the girl he loves. No matter if he's TRYING to be selfish or not - he is. You're giving 100% to the relationship, and he's going home to his wife. As far as kids go? I strongly believe a very unhappy marriage ridden with fights and conflicts is no healthier, and often MORE traumatic, than their parents going separate ways and being able to show the kids their best, and not their worst. It scares kids when their parents are at odds, especially when the fighting escalates. No child should have to hide in their room or at a friend's house because mommy and daddy are screaming at each other, or worry about their parents being constantly short tempered because they can't get along. Heatrae - don't beat yourself up, you're holding much firmer in the face of an indecisive guy than most do, give yourself a bit of credit for seeing what you need to do for you. And for repeatedly trying to follow through with it - you'll get there eventually. You guys were willing to lay yourselves on the line for the men you love - and they should be willing to do the same for you. No, it's not easy, but I simply think you deserve better than stolen moments when you've committed yourselves and your hearts full-time.

Sounds like she's feeling out if you're interested in her. Do something that shows you return her interest before she gives it up and starts looking at someone else. Get more flirty with her, make the same kind of jokes she does, see how she reacts. "If I asked you on a real date, you'd probably laugh at that too, wouldn't ya?" But do something before she figures you just want to be buds.

Gilgamesh summed up my feelings well. Being bisexual shouldn't be a license to be less committed to a chosen partner. If you wouldn't tolerate his telling you how he fantasizes of being with other women - you shouldn't have to live with this either. And while you're having sex? Come on now, that's demeaning. And as others have said, disrespectful. Somehow I don't think the looking (which a lot of people look) would be such an issue if he wasn't making you feel inadequate. I'd sit him down and have a little talk with him... tell him it has nothing to do with his being bi, you knew that when he wanted you for his girl. It has everything to do with respect and committment, and you don't expect any less of him than you would of a straight guy in that area, being bi doesn't make him morally crippled. If he's not committed, he needs to tell you instead of dragging you through this. And if he tries to feed you "I can't help it" because it's "different," tell him to go sell that line to someone with a higher BS tolerance level, not you. You deserve better than that.

Actually, sounds to me like she might be panicking cause you're growing up and away and don't "need" her as a mom as much. Not all parents welcome their kids getting ready to leave the nest, whether it's from seeing they're getting older, to just being plain overprotective and not ready to let go. I dunno if she'd be receptive to an "adult to adult" calm talk about it, something like "mom... you'll always be my mom, and I'll always be your kid, but I'm 18, and I need to start taking on more responsibilities and making more of my own decisions so I'll be ready when I do go out on my own, instead of being clueless. Please try and support some of my choices even if you're not sure of them, and let me make some of my own mistakes and learn from them; I'd rather learn while I'm here with your support than after I'm on my own." I dunno if it'll get through, but at least you know you've tried... it's hard constantly being at odds, cause resentment and hurt feelings always seem to end up as a result, even when you try your best to avoid it.

Did she say why she didn't want you working more than two days? That seems strange unless there's a specific concern she has since you're 18...

LOL - didn't mean to jump at you there - but believe it or not, a lot of people honestly think that it's easy, I'm not sure why it was less stressful in "earlier days," maybe because that's what you (as a woman) were brought up to think of as your identity? And were thus prepared mentally to deal with it? I'm not sure, but I know I thought it would be easier, and it was... enlightening I'm gonna throw another screw in the works here - how do you think the perception and expectations of marriage have changed over the past 20-30 years or so? Do you think you expect something vastly different than your mom or dad did when they were thinking of getting married, and do you see the "institution" itself the same way? (I don't put that in quotes meaning disrespect, but rather because I don't care for the word much lol)

Ok... I guess most recent stuff first... Less stressful my fanny - I used to work full time, when I had to stop because my one child showed severe emotional disabilities that made even school an issue - let me tell you, I had no idea what I was getting into. Working outside, you automatically keep an identity beyond wife and mother - staying at home, most days you can feel like a combination of Merry Maid, Motel Six, and Denny's. Your day starts before anyone's and ends after. I found it more stressful, not less. Ok, back to the topic, I'd have to say I don't think divorce should simply be a convenience to be exercised when things aren't "perfect." Marriage is work. But I don't feel anyone is obligated to stay in an adulterous or abusive (even verbally abusive, which if you haven't been there, it can be MORE emotionally and mentally destructive) situation. You are supposed to try - but face it, if only ONE party is trying, you're not going to get anywhere, it's supposed to be a partnership, not one person subjugating him or herself to the other's needs. As far as if the love goes? This isn't something you can pick a right and wrong either. What if you marry young for the wrong reasons? Does this mean two people should be condemned to live in bare civility with each other for as long as 50-70 years instead of being free to find someone they can have a much better relationship with? Because, if one person who doesn't care about their partner the way they should anymore stays purely for ethical reasons, they're not just trapping themselves, they're cheating the other person as well, of being able to find someone who DOES love them the way they deserve. Though it's another way of looking at it, it's basically saying you put your ethics before THEIR happiness as well, and something about that sits very wrongly with me. You simply can't make someone else happy if you're miserable yourself, and life is too short to live that way.