The Morrigan

Damn, boy, you've got guts! Hey, more power to you, you've also got an invisible cheering section on this board. \ And I agree with caliboy - wait on the letter, hell, write more if they come to mind, if you knew the sheer volume I've written and never sent... lol, sometimes it's just good to write it and get it all down as it comes to you, even if you don't send it in the long run, it lets you take that step back and see how you felt when you wrote those words, and how you feel in comparison. Especially when you don't think you're making progress, it can help to see little differences there, so keep it up, you've definitely got the right attitude going for you!

Ok - one question - have you been to one of these mixers, is it her who told you what they were like (an orgy), or is this someone else's input? I'm asking because - I've been to several frat parties, mixers etc - and while there were plenty of guys and girls who were looking to score for the night, there was also just as many who either went with someone or alone just to kick it and have fun. Oh, I'm not gonna say she won't get hit on, hell man, we all did, but didn't mean we all accepted either. Just like there's a lot of people who get stoned there, and a lot who go to get laid - there's just as many who didn't, at least the ones I went to. Just that if this is the description you've gotten from someone else, you're gonna have to ask yourself if she's given you any reason to think she's feeding you a line about a night out with the girls, or if where you're getting the info is likely to be biased. As far as her past history - well, to be blunt, you took her on as a gf knowing this, did you discuss it with her when you got together? If so, what came out of that discussion? It seems there's a LOT more involved here than just this particular situation, cause man, if she WANTS to fool around, she doesn't have to go to a party to do that, you know? And if she doesn't, going to a party isn't going to make her more likely to, either you want to, or you don't. If you want to, you'll find the opportunities to fool around, and if you don't, you'll reject them even if they're there, it's pretty much that simple.

Yep - don't contact him until you know, regardless of what he says or does, it doesn't have the power to hurt you so much. You'll know yourself when you're strong enough and when you're ready to face him again, until then, do what's best for yourself.

And hey, something to keep in mind - generally when people lie in a way that demeans you, it's not because they believe it, it's an attempt to feel justified in something they KNOW was wrong and feel guilt about. For example, and I know you've seen people do this... "I hit him because he punched me!" "Really? Where did he hit you?" "Well, he missed, but he tried!" "Hmm, that doesn't seem in character..." "Well, I THOUGHT he was going to try to, he was in the right position!" "So he had his hand in the air poised to hit you?" "Well, he had clenched his fist!" It's like, continuing to tell everyone else you had a reason, even in retrospect, hey, maybe you might start to believe it yourself and get rid of some of the feelings of guilt. Your friends aren't going to believe it, and it's just adding to the things for them to feel guilty about, so try not to let it get to you!

Hey - chin up there, a LOT of the people here have been in your shoes, me included. First of all, don't stress over not being friends right now, ok? VERY few relationships can go into friendships that are comfortable for both parties right away, it's just the nature of the beast. It's just too painful for the partner who didn't want to let go, this is NOT something to put yourself down over, it's normal. Right now you need space from him to heal and get on your feet - without the extra reminders his voice and presense would give you, and there's absolutely no shame in that. Second, no... you can't blame yourself for your feelings. Nor can you blame yourself for his. If we had control over who we fell in love with things would be much simpler! The only thing you have control over is how you act on your feelings, and even then there's no guarantee he'll act on HIS maturely. You said you're both young, and he doesn't seem the most stable personality, there's no way you can control that either. The best you can do for now is keep your distance, and focus on doing things to get you back in the routine of living for yourself, get out with friends and family, get into something that interests you that you maybe didn't have time for, treat yourself to a new haircut or color, do things that are just for you until the pain isn't such an immediate thing. If he contacts you again, ask him to please not contact you again, you're not ready to see him as a friend yet, and you'd appreciate it if he'd let you heal and come to him when you're ready to be a friend, when it won't cause you more pain. This pull (I need you) push (on second thought I'm not ready) isn't a cycle you need to be in, it's not good for either of you, and you know that, so do what you can to take some control back and break it.

Yikes - lol, is there any more complications you can throw in for fun? Just kidding... Honestly, it depends on your feelings on it, if you're going to feel uncomfortable enough where it's going to kill your day - reschedule. Keep in mind who's the most important person to look out for - you, and go with how it's going to make you feel.

As far as getting on with your life and not moping where it can be "reported" to her - yes, act like you're doing great. You can punch a wall and scream and cry in private However, it's not weak at all to lay down some boundaries of your own, and make sure they're respected. Believe me, NOBODY who's been on the receiving end of being left is honestly thrilled to hear their ex is burning up the town with another, male OR female - and it's not something you have to put up with. If she wants to give herself a boost, she can go brag to her girlfriends, not to you. I don't believe anyone who has broken up with their gf/bf can HONESTLY think they want to hear about the new guy or girl in their life - the impression you're gonna end up giving is you'll tolerate hearing about this dude to talk with her, not that you don't care about it. Laying down the law so to speak on this will get you some respect, not appear weak. Basically you're telling her "you hurt me when you left me, I'm moving on, and I'm not going to let you hinder me in that by being thoughtless"

3 months isn't long to have given yourself to heal if you've been trying to work at other relationships... You don't need to commit to a relationship to go out and have some fun to get over him, and actually, I'd take the time and NOT commit, since right now "relationship things" are going to remind you of your ex, or give you things to compare with him. Instead of jumping in as someone's gf, just hang with your friends, go out with guys you like casually, and take your time to get on your feet again... but he's NOT worth the amount of pain you're putting yourself through. There was nothing about you that MADE him cheat or treat you this way, and you deserve better than this, period. It's time to take some time for YOU now, ok? Put yourself first for a while!

I'd wait - think about it, if it was to get more than closure, or she had any intentions there, I doubt she'd have told you about him before she went, much less where he lived and everything. I'd worry a lot more if she HADN'T told you, and you heard from a friend her ex was there, instead of from her. And yeah, Michigan is a LOOOOONG ways from San Fran, I'm guesstimating somewhere between 2000-3000 miles! Definitely out of driving distance. For her to tell you her ex is there and she was considering getting closure was a gesture of trust on her part you wouldn't flip - so now it's your turn. Time to hope both of your trust is well placed, ne?

Acts differently around you from other guys that hang around her - which can be confusing, cause a shy girl might seem to IGNORE a guy she likes, and a more flirty one might act shy or indifferent... I know, we're a confusing lot - but hey, so are you guys!

One thing to add... If she calls again and tries to get you involved in listening to her bubbling about the new bf, this is NOT something you have to act happy or nice about. It's plain thoughtless, and can be treated as such. Simply tell her "Hey... you're happy, that's nice, but I haven't contacted you because I'm not interested in investing in feeling hurt, please respect that decision as I've respected yours and don't call me to make yourself feel better, or think you're making me feel better, because you are not. Someday I may be ready to speak to you as a friend, but I'll let you know when that is, it's definitely not now. Take care, bye now." Look hon, you've already gone through enough since she left. You don't need to permit her to make you feel worse when you're trying your best to get on with your life in the name of being nice. This is something that's within your control, and you deserve to be in control of what you can to get past this and heal. You wouldn't be being mean, nasty, or vindictive, just realistic and aware of what you need. She's gone after what she thought she needed - it's time you get the same consideration.

I think she was looking for useful input, which was her reason for being on the internet, smart guy. I do have to congratulate you, you're the first person to tempt me to flame in a long time. Anyways... only other thing I can think of is show you're proud to be with him, introduce him to your friends, parents etc in a way that says he's THE one you want to be with and you're happy to be with him. I don't necessarily mean hang all over him, just make a point to include when you've told your friends and all about being with him etc

Just because he didn't tell you he fantasized on occasion before doesn't mean he didn't And from what I've heard, yeah, most guys do this on occasion, with all the emotional involvement most guys look at porn or playboy on occasion with. It has to do with guys being more visual than emotional from what I gather as far as sexual triggers go. Look without fantasizing? Most looks probably don't end up as more than just a look, just occasionally. If you trust him that it's not with any intent to follow through, and you can accept it on those terms, no, it isn't. If you honestly feel you can't deal with it, then yeah, but expect to run accross it in other guys. Probably - but I'll add a caveat to that... Considering his statement that he feels smothered, and considering this isn't something guys generally discuss with their gf's, you're not overreacting in your position. You were already worried, and this threw you a curveball. So far I haven't found it to... my dad is 66 and a widower, and I had the pleasure of finding a porn stash in his closet cleaning out his room *shudder* Apparently even he still looks -_-;;;; Since a lot of guys visualize, and don't ever act on it, or for that matter, even really want to act on it, yep... I'd focus more on what's making him feel smothered than this, personally... just MHO, of course

Yep - I think you have to weigh carefully how important it is to you, and how important the relationship is to you without it. If it's not something you think you can reconcile yourself to - you're not his ex, and he's not yours, you don't have to settle for something you don't want to live with if it'll make you unhappy or feel like you deserve more, you'll just resent it and become embittered in the end.

I do the same - I'd rather trust, and risk being hurt by that, than withhold it, simply because if you don't trust someone, you can't expect them to trust you either, and that's no foundation for any relationship, even a friendship. I'm cautious in that I don't accept excuses for mistakes, I expect responsbility to be taken, and I do look at how the person has treated others as well, but I try judge myself at least as harshly as anyone else - and I can't say I've never made a mistake.

I have. Whether it works or not depends on a lot of things, it didn't in my case, the cheating was a symptom of deeper issues, so getting past that resolved nothing really. And despite having given things a chance, I still don't believe there's any real justification for cheating.

I agree that the kids simply have to come first. Are you going to have them for longer periods over times like holidays and summer vacation? After what you've heard, can you trust your fiancee not to act as she did recently in front of them? Being or feeling unwanted is devastating to kids - they are the innocent parties here, and their interests have to come first, even before your own. It is indeed a package deal - she was aware you had the boys before getting engaged to you, she isn't only marrying you, but marrying into a ready made family - and that's something she has to be emotionally and mentally prepared to handle. She may well love your children - but accepting that they are just that, children, and can shatter the best laid plans completely unintentionally by just BEING children, dependent on their parents, is a different story. What if your ex was hospitalized and the kids had to stay with you? Or what if something like one of the typical emergencies that happen to kids, like broken bones, stitches, occurred when you had a vacation planned? Of course, you're going to cancel whatever plans you had, and make arrangements to take care of them first - but is she willing to accept that without blaming them or holding a grudge against them for it? I know this is going to be a hard choice to make, but it sounds like your fiancee gets unstable under some circumstances, basically putting herself in competition with your kids. There shouldn't be any "letting down" if you feel the need to see them, that's you being what you are, a caring father who wants to stay involved with his sons. And it doesn't sound like every weekend off has ended up with you seeing them - just on occasion. Peace and quiet and kids simply don't go together lol... as you know, being a parent can be thankless and frustrating at times, though the rewards are well worth it. If she wanted peace and quiet, she needs to look for a guy who's biggest responsibility is 2 cats, not kids. (on a side note - I don't know if she's talked about wanting kids of her own, but do you think if so, that your sons would be expected to take a back seat to them? Just wondering since the "flesh and blood" thing came up...)

I'd say the ball is still in your court, and her IM was an overture - she could've ignored you, and didn't. She may have responded to an IM from you to be nice - initiating it is usually something a girl who wants to cool it and avoid you a bit won't do. Lots of girls don't want to get into real kissing and such on early dates - they want to get to know you a bit first, that's not something to be put off by - she hasn't turned down an invite from you so far, so if you like her and think there's the potential there for something good - don't drop the ball!

If you decide to call her today - make it very casual, "hey, sorry to call again so soon, but I was thinking, we're off today, and if you don't have any plans, would you to see a movie later?" Personally, I'd wait - for one, it's very short notice, which leaves a bigger chance she's already got something to do, and for the other, you don't want to give her the impression you're coming on strong, especially given she's a freshman in HS. You're nicely set to call her later in the week as it is, IMO you're best off capitalizing on that. (Anyone else got any input here? LOL)

You're already over the first hurdle - you called, and she wasn't unreceptive. One thing to keep in mind is - a lot of girls don't call back. Don't ask me why, it's in our genes or something, we get convinced we shouldn't. If you wanna avoid sounding like you're too anxious - wait another day or so and call her again instead of the day after, it'll give her time to think about it, and won't seem like you're desperate.

You share classes or anything? And did she give you her number to call her? If she gave you her number, most girls aren't gonna expect any reason other than you want to talk to her for the call. You can pick anything, a school game, latest test, teacher everyone makes fun of, the cafeteria food - if you haven't talked to her on the phone before, just start casual "hey - hope I didn't catch you at a bad time, what ya up to?" Most girls really aren't going to be looking for a defined reason unless they 1) want to get off the phone or 2) are overeager to be asked out and have no social experience and are trying to prompt you to ask. And if she does that, you can always just tell her "well, I wanted to ask you to a movie this weekend - but I wanted to just talk to you too, saw right through me, huh? Was I that obvious?" Keep it easy and lighthearted, keep in mind things are only as big a deal as you make of them for things like this. The more you worry, the harder it's gonna seem, just take a deep breath and call her

Well, it didnt lead anywhere - but... probably the best/worst place a guy ever tried to pick me up was after doing an illegal U-turn and wrecking my 66 Mustang!!! After we exchanged insurance information - he asked for my number to take me to dinner to "make up for it!" Note - I was in a committed relationship, or I'd have taken him up on it, because he got major points for sheer guts and devilry for this one! Had to respect a guy who would ask for my number when I was obviously NOT amused at the circumstances of meeting! (Especially since I have a rather formidable temper!

Hey - relax, just call her like you would to talk, and at some point ask her out (I'm assuming you've figured out where you're gonna ask her Be easy and casual "hey, I was wondering, how'd you like to see (name of movie) with me this Saturday night?" she says yes? "Yeah? Cool! Wanna get something to eat first, maybe at (name of place, or mall food court if it's playing there and you want to walk around a bit first, etc)?" The only really stupid thing you can do is to decide NOT to ask - most girls aren't gonna be grading you here, and will be quite happy to help carry the conversational ball if they're interested - if you're nervous or stammer, don't sweat it, you can always joke about it later when you see her, it's no biggie!

First, a question - how old are the both of you?

LOL - Nifty, I'd have to say you're an exception, especially for the older teen to early 20's age group, my guy friends have all admitted it's not uncommon for them to have a "passing thought" that comes along with finding a girl "hot" even if they have no intention of acting on it at all. (Note: not all guys are like this, but many are, the real problem I have is the ones who don't have a problem ACTING on those fleeting attractions That said - it's crossing the line for him to tell you about this, unless you happened to be one of those couples that likes sharing fantasies - and this sure doesn't seem the case. At the least, it's pretty thoughtless of him regarding how it would make you feel - you're not one of his guy friends to exchange crude comments with, it serves no purpose except to bother you, and he should be able to see that. I agree in the main with buffalosoldier on this one - and would add he might also be missing the thrill of the "chase" to get a girl, though I doubt he realizes it. You might want to do little things, like being flirty, being a bit less available every night to him, to keep the thrill where it belongs, which is with you. Don't let him take you for granted - make him realize what a good thing he's got by working for it a bit!