The Morrigan

Nope - and I've had the motive and opportunity, having been cheated on. It's just one of those things I feel strongly about, that trust and honestly are vital to a strong relationship, and even if he never found out, I'd have a hard time living with the guilt of knowing I'd betrayed his trust. The momentary excitement of the forbidden wouldn't be worth it in the long run. I can't accept it being done to me, and don't expect someone else to accept me doing it, or to accept myself doing it - it would make me really question my committment to my relationship.

Personally, I'd just send a "getting in touch" note - you know he has a girlfriend, what do you want to accomplish by letting him know you have these feelings while he's in a relationship? It's beautifully written, and writing it down was a probably a good thing for you, but to me, it kind of disrespects that he's in a relationship to actually send it, and could make it rather awkward to stay in touch. I don't know how open he is with his girlfriend, but I know I wouldn't be too pleased with a guy of mine keeping in touch with another girl if I knew she felt this way and was willing to express it while he was taken. Honestly, I'd maybe drop him a nice newsy note, see if he wants to stay in touch, and look around you for someone closer to home for now - don't sit around pining, if circumstances change down the road, you can see how you feel then cause you'd still be in contact, and for the here and now, you'd be moving along with your own life and growing as a person. Best of luck to you!

The porn subject also seems to be divided among the addicts, as to say, those who literally depend on it as a major part of daily life, and hmm, guys who just like it sometimes . As an addiction it IS a problem, when it starts really interfering with normal interaction. These guys literally can't make it through a day without a hefty dose, it usually includes online chat or phone sex eventually, and seriously affects and impacts their relationships, sexually and socially. I have to say (and like Gilgamesh, I might get flamed for this), if his stack was as tall as you, and the first 6 months when you were unaware of his liking for nudie pics was magical, it sounds as if he falls into the second group, not the first. Most guys, even the MOST faithful, like looking at nude women or porn on occasion. Now, any of the guys here can feel free to correct me on any of this, but this is what I've gotten from having mostly guy friends. In this area, guys and girls are NOT alike. Firstly, most of the guys I've talked to masturbate fairly regularly, moreso than girls, EVEN WITH A HEALTHY AND SATISFYING SEX LIFE. Given this, guys fantasize. Now, where myself (and most girls I know) tend to have "emotional fantasies," as in their emotions are involved, guys do not. (Yeah, my buds are pretty open with me as far as discussing guy/girl diffs so I can get where they're coming from.) Where a recurring fantasy may have more weight, cycling different pics just to give the hormones a kick and prevent the solo thing being boring doesn't carry any emotional weight at all. It has nothing to do with the committment and investment in a relationship, and doesn't reflect an inadequacy in his sex life. It's not a threat to his partner, and the guys I've talked to are puzzled at why some girls seem to think it's a big deal, because to them, it isn't. Heck, most of them started looking at least a little as a teenager, so it's nothing new or special to them. When it becomes an issue, it can go two ways in general - either blow up immediately, or get put to the side so it won't be an issue. Sounds like your guy thought if it wasn't "in your face," it wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, then when it's found it's just been tucked away, it becomes a bigger point of contention, you feel betrayed, he feels like it's unreasonable, and it's now a major conflict. For his part, he would have been better off being as upfront about his feelings towards it as you were with yours, so you'd KNOW where he was coming from, and maybe some compromise could've been reached where you wouldn't feel hurt and upset. An honest explanation on his part might have helped, instead of hiding it like a guilty secret. At the same time, I can safely say this is something you're going to have to deal with sooner or later, since as one of my male friends stated "if I guy says he doesn't like porn/pics at all, ever, he is lying because he doesn't want you to be hurt." Not all guys indulge in it regularly, but I've yet to meet one who DISLIKED seeing attractive pics of nude women (or men I suppose if they're gay) if the situation arose. Is there a reason you reacted so strongly and felt so hurt? Upbringing? Past issues of betrayal? Anything at all? It's something to look at carefully and ask yourself, because any time you have a really strong emotional reaction to something, it's usually based in more than just principle, and you don't want to be reacting strongly to something without knowing why, and inadvertently sabotaging something good because of it. Don't beat yourself up about it now, but take a little time off to think, and see what you can come up with. And think about if there was anything besides throwing all his stuff in the trash that would have made you feel better about the situation.

It's going to take you more than 3 months to feel like you're getting anywhere moving on - you invested a lot in him, and it's not unreasonable to expect to have to give yourself some time to get back some of that and start putting it into yourself. He cheated. He got caught. Of COURSE he's going to try to make excuses and shift the blame if he's not ready to be responsible for his actions! Don't fall for this! Do NOT let him make you feel you were responsible for his incredibly poor judgement, you are not his scapegoat, don't let him shift the blame onto you! Especially given this, no, I wouldn't go back to him with a cattle prod as incentive. Do you really want to feel responsible for mistakes he makes? If you take the blame for this, you're going to set one BAD precedent to allow him to behave badly, even though you intend it as forgiveness. Take the time you have now to think of a few little things you might have wanted to do, and didn't have the time for when you were with him, or held back from. Change your hairstyle, take a class that's just for your interest, start something you've been putting off that'll feel positive like an exercise program, but do something that's only for yourself, that'll make you feel like you're making a positive change to yourself. One that doesn't consider anyone else, but is only for you. Put yourself first, and let yourself feel GOOD about it. When you care about yourself, it shines through, and you'll start getting positive reactions from the people around you. And in turn, you should slowly start feeling better about yourself, and what about you deserve out of life as a result. You'll still cry sometimes, but bear in mind your tears aren't for him as much as for the grief that comes with coming to terms with the disappointment and betrayal, and finding out he wasn't who you thought. Give yourself a break, don't berate yourself for not moving on as fast as you think you should, you're allowed to be human!

Thanks for answering Ok, this was what led to my misunderstanding, seems like we're closer to the same page than it appeared. I read it to mean that (to you) pleasure was sinful, and it was abusive, apparently that wasn't what you meant. I've known a few people who were extreme in their beliefs to the point of being unable to discuss things, including some parents of my friends, one of whom explained menses to her daughter (at like age 11???) as the evil of woman being purged from her every month. Needless to say, she didn't have a very good self image, and didn't feel like she could talk to her about anything. It's made me very cautious about coming accross as making judgements when answering people who have questions on sensitive issues, since it can put people off asking if they perceive that, and don't want to put people off asking or make them feel wrong for it I'm all for moderation in most things; that's common sense for the most part. (Sorry for dragging this a bit OT here).

Alternately, if you don't want to or don't like gaming - pick a program to learn something about that has a free trial/shareware (or k...k...ka won't say it that might be a challenge - that's how I started with photoshop, getting to the verge of being good enough to freelance on that, and the most recent acquisition is flashmx, next challenge up to the plate. And nope, I can't draw a decent stick figure by hand, I just liked art and wanted to give it a go There's stuff out there for just about everything, music, art, ebooks, moviemaking, coding, everything - this is on your time, so you're not being judged on how well you can do it to start, or if you change your mind and move to something else - find something you can take some satisfaction or pleasure in, whether it's what most people would consider pleasure or not.

Sex addicts? Don't you think the curiosity about not knowing how it feels can lead some people TO experiment with sex? I'm sorry, but just because your beliefs go against masturbation doesn't mean it's self-abuse. If you have any unbiased statistics that masturbation leads to early sex, I'd like to see them. I'm perfectly willing to respect other people's beliefs, but in return I don't expect to be classified as a sex addict because I don't find anything shameful about my body, or normal urges of it. I can definitely see the point in warning people of the dangers associated with sex. However, associating those same dangers with masturbation is a pretty big leap. STDs are a big problem with sexually active people who have indiscrimate/unprotected sex. I suppose with really bad hygiene you could get an infection from masturbation, though HIGHLY unlikely to be an STD, which requires contact with an infected person. Out of curiosity - I have to ask, do you also believe sex between married people should only be for the purpose of procreation and not pleasure? Yes, I'm serious, not mocking you, just wondering about your beliefs.

First off, does she know he's interested in her? He's likely to take hints (or blunt statements) from her that she's "taken and not interested" more seriously than anything you say on that matter. He could look on your actions as jealousy or possessiveness and still think he has a shot unless she makes it clear herself he doesn't. Ultimately whether or not you guys can stay friends is going to be up to him - if he can respect her wishes and your friendship enough to at least keep a rein on his attraction or not. If he's actually still talking about wanting to "score her" when she's with you, that's not having much respect for you, and if she makes or has made her position clear, you can try talking to him about it. No telling how he'll take it since lusting after your bud's guy (or girl) in an obvious manner is one of those things most people understand without it needing spelled out is definitely NOT cool, but you can always try. Ask him how he'd feel in the opposite position. If he still doesn't get it, I hate to be harsh, it might be very hard to stay friends with him if you're getting the feeling he doesn't respect the boundaries that come with friendship.

LOL - I agree with Mar - short of a front page ad in the paper she couldn't advertise her interest much more. Even people in the area don't go to work to get a drink for fun And agree with Shyguy - just tell her something like "hey, why don't we get outta here, get some coffee and talk somewhere a little more comfortable for a while?" Unless she really can't, seems to be a given she'll be more than happy to go - and if you're definitely interested, drop the idea of hanging out or catching a movie sometime while you're there, and get her number - she seems to be the type who's not too shy about dropping hints herself of her interest, so make sure she knows her interest is returned!

Do you have a planetarium close by? Or make a picnic indoors - if it's too cold to take her outdoors, you could bring some of the outdoors to her

DaXMan - some girls do seem to enjoy the sense of power sexual attraction from guys gives them - but some guys are like this too, and only too happy to get satisfaction from the attention of girls they're not interested in for an ego boost - it works both ways. I think a lot of girls are just as scared of rejection as guys - but the way a lot are raised puts them in the position of not feeling like they have to make the first move, or even feel like it's not "appropriate" for them to do so if they DO want to. That can be an extra hurdle to get past. I know I was brought up that way, though these days I figure life's too short to play the wait and see game. Plus patience is not one of my outstanding virtues! Personally I prefer relatively blunt - I find it JUST as frustrating trying to read if someone's attracted or just being friendly if they're a guy Though strangely enough, my best bud is a guy, and I can tell when a girl is attracted to him without a problem, and he can tell if a guy is attracted to me, subtle or not! So guys, if you have a close female friend who's observed someone you can't read interacting with you - ask her for an opinion. Same with girls, if your guy bud says someone's interested, pay attention - seems it's easier to "read" your own gender no matter how cool they're trying to play it!

Heh - and if you don't put enough of your heart on the line to get used to coping with the "little hurts" of friendship and more casual affection, how do you think you'll cope when you slip up and realize you're involved more than you intended or expected and get hurt there? You can say it won't happen - but it will sooner or later - trust me, if there's a god of love, I think it's Murphy.

The comm college thing was what I was gonna suggest as well! If there's any classes you actually failed, or got a D, that you think you'd benefit from a smaller class size, especially if they're any you'll have to build on later and you really didn't get the class (me and calculus, I have SO been there), retake those at the comm college to replace those grades first. For new classes, same deal, I know I took my business maths there since math is not my strong suit, and in a class of over 100, I frankly died. Not only will your GPA rise, it helps with the old confidence when something (finally) makes sense that's been an uphill battle! I know the comm college I went to also had childcare facilities at a student rate for students with children - other universities may as well. For money, you've already got some good ideas from A|N, and if you're working, check with personnel and see if they offer any tuition reimbursement perks. Even if it's a percentage and doesn't include books, every little bit helps. And when you go to open an account for savings or investment, ask around, some banks defer things like minimum balances for students and have special investment programs designed for earning a bit at a time. Item last - if the cost of childcare really looks to be an issue, or you just have trouble scheduling around everything, a LOT of schools offer online and video courses you can do from home, with full credit given. Might be a good way to start with one, or two courses you don't feel not going to a classroom would be a hindrance, things like history that are more memorization and reading than anything might be ideal for that.

Dunno if it helps any - but if the depressed mood was cause of her turning you down, the pissed appearance is probably because she feels a bit guilty you're hurt, and at the same time resents that guilt because they (your feelings) weren't something she had any control over. If you can get to the point of being able to say "hey, yeah, it hurt, but I've accepted it, and it's more important to me to keep your friendship than make it an issue" and really follow through on it, it should help a bit. Right now, if that's not really apparent it'll seem like the one thing she could say or do to make you feel better is the one thing she can't. It's not so much your being depressed that's making her act that way as feeling responsible for it, and being unable to do anything about it. Neither position, yours or hers, is easy, it'll take a little time to work through it, but if it's important to both of you, it can be done.

If it's getting that bad, see a doctor and ask for help, you could have a case of postpartum depression, and you don't have to suffer through it without help. 4woman.gov/faq/postpartum.htm some basic indications and descriptions, if you seem to have the symptoms, make an appointment! Hope it helps a bit!

All I can tell you, is the stonger your reaction is, the more credible you'll make what they're saying seem. They'll take your protests as "proof" you guys are just being secretive. Plus, even if they don't really BELIEVE what they're saying, your reaction could be reason enough for them to use it to get a reaction from you, finding it humorous. The more you can ignore it and continue to act like you don't give a damn what they say, they'll get bored and move on to something else

Umm, most guys don't get a hotel room with one girl to play poker unless it's strip poker, a "good customer?" Seriously, how many things are there friends NEED a hotel room for? I'm having a hard time coming up with many, especially close to home! This girl is calling you, and he's defending her? Sounds to me like while you're trying to be considerate of him, he has none for you. Somehow he has you thinking you should still be there for him... ha. If you MUST talk to him, and I don't think you have any reason to, I'd tell him as soon as he starts his crap "I don't have to listen to this from you or anyone, do not speak to me until you can treat me with some consideration" and HANG UP. He has no reason to be civil or nice to you right now - because you're still taking his calls when he's being a (word I can't say here). I'll bet he doesn't show this other chick this wonderful side of his personality! You're not being unreasonable, you're not being malicious, and you're not in the wrong, not from anything you've said here. And you deserve to be treated at the LEAST civilly, split up or not.

Have you tried calling a gay support group and asking if they can recommend a good counselor or therapist? It doesn't sound like "simple" depression is the problem here at all, in which case medication alone is not going to do you much good - it sounds more like you could benefit from someone to talk you through things and start to give you some control back over dealing with the problems you've had, someone who has experience and will be completely non-judgemental. If you feel you'd be more comfortable, ask your partner if he'd go with you for the initial meeting. I dont know from what you've said how much you've been asking his support, and how much you've held back worrying what he'll think of you appearing dependent or weak. If you've been holding back at all, it might come as a relief to him to know there's something he can do as well, it's a helpless feeling watching someone important to you struggle and be unable to do anything to help them. You're not weak or less of a person because you can't handle it all alone, and you shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help. Let the ones who are willing offer what they can, lean a little, you never know when you'll be able to return the favor down the road!

In a word - yep - a lot of antibiotics lower the effectiveness of BC pills, when you're taking them together, you should use something else as well to be safe. "There are several reasons why the Pill can fail, or be less effective. Some medication prescribed by your doctor can have some adverse effects on the pill. Some known medications that can actually lessen the Pill's effectiveness are certain antibiotics (such as Zithromax for example), anti-inflammatory drugs, barbiturates, and epilepsy drugs (such as Dilantin). Make sure to tell your doctor which Pill you are currently taking, so that he or she may tell you if you will need to use another method until your treatment is completed." Taken from a pill facts site

Depends on how many of your list go with the same person lol... I'd say 1 and 2 alone could just be a friendly person, unless it's not her usual demeanor to other guys... but 3, 4, and 5, ESPECIALLY from the same woman, usually indicate a kind of awkward "I don't know how to say I'm interested without embarrassing myself." Women don't like setting themselves up for rejection any more than guys do lol. And most don't want to look unprofessional and flirtatious in an office setting, which leaves the "safe" invites and awkwardness of not knowing how to go about showing interest. Only way to know is to ask one of them to go to lunch sometime, or for coffee or something after work, and see the reaction you get. routerx is right as far as work and personal relationships sometimes causing difficulties if they don't work, so make sure if you do end up dating someone there, they're also mature enough to deal with both relationships, the business and the personal, as separate entities.

I dunno, always seems it's not so much the type, but the person who manages to make an impression beyond the "type" who gets more attention, the ones who don't fade into the crowd for some reason, whether it's cause of confidence in manner, how they talk, just being that little bit different enough to get noticed where more people think they're interesting Letting some personality show through usually gets people interested enough to wanna know more. Any guy I've been attracted to, they've been very different from each other on the surface and not of the same "type", but just had some little thing personality wise that was different from their buddies and got my attention!

You're in Virginia - try calling/looking up The Samaritan House if you haven't already; it's specifically set up for abused women and children, and even if you don't want to take advantage of their services, there's bound to be some knowledgeable people who can give you some tips and pointers, and lead you to some support groups, which it sounds like you could use a good one, maybe make some friends who will definitely understand what you and your children are going through. link removed They're based in Virginia Beach, but if you're in a different area they should be able to give you references and contacts, at least taking that off your hands. Try to keep in mind a lot of these organizations were founded by people who were in similar situations and WANT to help others to make their experiences count for something positive, letting them help helps them as well as you, there's no shame in it. There's also this one, which you might have already tried: Franklin County Family Resource Center P.O. Box 4 Rocky Mount VA 24151 Business #: 703-483-5088 Hotline/Crisis: 703-483-1234 Toll Free: (800)838-8238 the website with the list of resources I pulled that from is link removed I'm no lawyer, but residing together shouldn't be necessary to get a temporary restraining order against this gem of a friend of your husband, and if you have documentation that includes his involvement, a long term one can be enforced from that. Whoever told you you couldn't get protection because he hadn't resided with you should be shot. If that were the case, there would be no protection from stalking or harassment, and there is. For churches, I understand it would be difficult at best for you to get to a church under the circumstances, but there are still some dedicated pastors and priests out there who will come to you to counsel and offer support - I don't know your specific faith, but another link: link removed Once again, the ones that really want to serve God and their parishoners will find coming to you no burden, but will be happy to help, and probably glad to be reached out to - don't worry about being a burden to people who want to help others! I can't even imagine what you're dealing with right now, but you sound like you're determined to do what's best for yourself and your children in spite of everything you've gone through you're far from beaten, and you have my respect! Best of luck to you, feel free to PM if you want to email me!

Hmm, just my opinion, but really learning from the past brings caution and perspective as opposed to outright fear, not facing it or being willing to face it completely makes you run from it or anything that appears to be moving towards a similar situation. Caution would make you step back and try to look at the situation from a calmer perspective to really get a handle on what's bothering you, fear generally gets a more reflexive reaction, the fight or flight, where you're really not thinking through the situation and how you're responding. In other words, when you've REALLY learned from it, it should give more perspective, not less. If you're reacting on reflex and emotion because of similarities, it's controlling you, and hasn't really been completely dealt with. That said, it's not easy to go through different "small" issues point by point and see exactly what should have been red flags, and what were just either normal issues and disagreements to be expected, and what could have been generated by the main issue or issues. To try to explain (and not trying to sound like I'm talking down to anyone lol), people act in ways that they get a relatively predictable reaction, even when it's subconscious. Generally that predictable reaction "feeds" the issue, like giving in to someone who likes to be controlling to avoid conflict escalates when they subconsciously realize that's the carrot (the harmony) and the stick (the threat of conflict). Basically while you can't control someone else's actions, you CAN control how you react in the future in a similar situation, after you see how your reactions added fuel to the situation. Nobody is comfortable in any position where they're reacting to what someone else does on a regular basis, because you're basically handing someone else the control of the relationship. Though it sounds kind of demeaning, basically you've gotten in a position where you have a "conditioned" response to certain circumstances to avoid pain. Confidence and self-worth have already taken a beating, so generally the reaction is to run, far and fast, at least emotionally. It's painful as hell, but from experience, the only thing I've found that gives caution and some insight as opposed to fear is thinking through how you can change the way you react in a similar situation(s) and taking control of yourself back. Just knowing you don't HAVE to act the same way, knowing you have some options that you've considered ahead of time, can do a bit to avoid that "I can't do this again!" feeling, because you've already determined you don't have to do it again. It's kind of a mental preparation and reconditioning - yeah, the emotional gut feeling won't go away immediately, but it does get less difficult if your reaction changes and the outcome is different - it's no longer a given fact within yourself that the result of A has to be B. It's hard, I dunno, it seems almost like a self-therapy, and I know myself I went over some baggage ad nauseum with a couple of good friends to see more clearly, ones who wouldn't let me "make excuses" for my ex's behavior, and told me bluntly when I was overreacting to something current based on past experiences. lol, I've also learned to ask them (and myself) "Am I being reasonable feeling like this?" before I do anything stupid, and I don't ask people who will only placate me if I AM overreacting. Haha, I've also learned at least 7 times out of 10, if I HAVE to ask if I'm overreacting, I probably am, and there's a better way to deal with it than the way my feelings are leading me!

Let me ask you this - how would you feel, honestly, confronted with the same dilemma, your bf meets a guy, and wants you to accept him exploring a different side of his sexuality with this guy? I'm not intending to come accross as a hard***, but to me, cheating is having unsanctioned sexual relations outside of a monogamous relationship; whether it is an emotional one, and an "affair," or strictly for sex, only matters as far as the difference in outside issues it brings with it. Maybe you should ask your female bi friend for advice as far as how she maintains a strong relationship with her husband, and ask her how she introduced him to the idea of having other sexual partners without threatening his security? It's bound to be an issue she's confronted, surely they discussed it, and while I know a few people in similar relationships, it's far from common. Might also want to ask yourself if it's only the sex issue that leaves you feeling confined - this shouldn't be a condition of loving someone; making compromises yes, feeling confined or trapped, no. If your relationship itself isn't a particularly confining one, are you really ready to commit yourself to one person at this point, or do you need to find out a bit more about yourself and be a bit selfish first? If you're not ready, you're GOING to end up taking that resentment out on him, and you'd be doing him no favors not at least letting him know how you feel. On the flip side, ask yourself if a bit more in the way of "sexual adventuring" with HIM appeals to you; is some of the exploration of different things more to do with strictly experiencing the new and unexplored, or is it more wanting to explore it with someone different? For example, is it a remote possibility he'd feel more secure with something like a third party with both of you, or would that be more of an issue? How much have you discussed things with him in detail as far as your sexual fantasies and his? Is he at all open to other types of experimentation that doesn't involve another person, or not? If he is, is there anything you'd be interested in? I know that seems like a lot, but the more you find out, the more you'll be able to judge both your feelings and his. You owe it to both of you to explore all the possibilities and talk them through before jumping, since you don't want to regret whatever you may decide - at least if you've gone over it with both him and yourself, you'll know you're making the best decision you can with as much information as possible, instead of wondering later if you made a mistake.

You said your husband loves you - how about your feelings for him? Keep in mind - whatever choice you make, it's you and not your parents who has to live with it for the next 40-50 years! Nice family and appropriate connections would be cold comfort if you love someone else - or worse, if you BOTH end up loving other people. It's not easy to go against the wishes of your parents, but I'm sure they wouldn't want you miserable either. Are you happy in your marriage apart from feeling guilty about this? Or were you questioning your own feelings? Big questions, but ones you have to answer if you're going to figure out what's best for you.