The Morrigan

Sounds like ultimate_you is right - seems he's just awkward about having other chicks looking at him and doesn't know how to handle it, the attention seems to be the embarrassing thing, not you

Ok, the thing that stands out to me here, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that she feels free to date others, and isn't ashamed of it, yet feels the need to cover up that she's sleeping with you. That's a double standard, and even in a friends with benefits relationship, that's not right. If she's open enough to be dating around, she should not feel any need to hide her relationship with you, since it's an "open" one. Hey, it would be hard to feel you're "good enough" when you're like the guilty secret in the closet, it's not you who's at fault here. As far as feelings - backing off generally, well, it doesn't happen. This seems to be a separate issue from the other, though they're connected. If you find yourself really becoming more emotionally involved with her than she is with you, it's potentially more destructive to continue the relationship, emotionally, than it is to end it, or at least the "benefits" side of it. Sure, you might not be alone all the time right now, but you're feeling alone emotionally much of the time, feeling inadequate - this isn't going to improve your self esteem any, and as long as you're tangled up in this, you're not going to be able to focus on finding a relationship with someone else who's ideas of what a relationship should be are more in line with yours. Sit her down and have an open talk with her about your feelings, and see what page you're both on. If it's not the same one, chances are something's got to give. Being "alone" isn't always a bad thing, not if the alternative is settling for less than you deserve. You have/make friends, still enjoy people's company, and you find someone you can be happy with, who is capable of returning the same emotional investment in you that you are in them. Some things are worth waiting for instead of settling for what you can have at the moment.

It can also be a less confrontational way of justification if she feels at all guilty, "see, I did the right thing!" not as insulting as badmouthing you, but reassuring herself she knew what she was doing. And that fits with the pride thing as well. I agree with you it's pretty selfish and insensitive after telling her you wanted no contact until you were ready, if she calls again and you're unlucky enough to answer, keep your cool as much as possible and just tell her "Look, nice to know you're doing so well, but I told you I wasn't ready to talk to you like this, you hurt me, please have the decency to give me the privacy and space I asked for to get past this." That should get the point accross without sounding too emotional or bitter (even if you'd rather tell her to g to the devil

My thoughts run about the same as Gilgamesh's... Mail or give it to him directly, with a nice note thanking him for making you welcome while you were a part of his daughter's life, and after finding the book, you still wanted to get it to him, you to him, not having anything to do with what happened with her. It's a nice gesture towards her family, even though you don't have contact with her anymore, I'm sure it would be appreciated by him that you still think enough of her family to give it to him. It's something that I don't think too many exes would think to do - as long as it's clear there's no ulterior motive, he should appreciate it for the thoughtful gesture it is.

"Confused" sounds like an understatement here - has she said why she can't decide what to do when she loves you this much? Whatever her reasons, it sounds like letting her come to you if that's what she decides is the way you're going to have to let it play out, because the back and forth of not knowing what's going on is not a good place to be. And pressuring her to jump into a relationship before she's decided on her own isn't going to help any, she'll wonder if it was the right thing to do if it's not her decision. It sounds like you're going to have to do your best to get out a bit, distract yourself by staying busy as possible, and if she sorts herself out, great, but if not, at least you're not just sitting waiting for the phone to ring. You need to put yourself first here, take care of yourself and your feelings, do whatever you need to to try and deal with the pain of being apart from her. Best case - she does come back, you won't be an emotional wreck to come back TO. Plus you'll know it was only her decision, and nothing you did to change her mind, it will be with her complete committment. And if she doesn't, you'll have been working on dealing with getting past the relationship, and out doing things to get your own life back in a rhythm without her.

Ask her to hang out outside of school - even if it's to study, you don't want to wait for signals for so long she thinks YOU'RE not interested. You should be able to tell something from her reaction - and take it from there, if she's enthusiastic and all, don't drop it there, ask her to a movie or something!

I have to agree with avman - I have two kids, one loved it, the other wanted nothing to do with it. It's no reflection on you that she doesn't like it, mine was happier with her fists, her toes, teething toys, ANYTHING but the pacifier. If she doesn't like it, she'll settle on something she does like instead, even at this age, you'll find babies have tastes and personalities all their own! So don't sweat it, it'll just be one less thing to lose from the diaper bag and panic over if she did get attached to it!

If it's hard getting your dad alone without his gf - write him a letter and give it to him. You can't interrupt or cut someone off in a letter, you HAVE to hear them out, and sometimes it helps to make sure you haven't forgotten to say something you kick yourself for later. It seems at the moment he's put the lifestyle he wants ahead of his family - which is not like having a beer after work. Did he say anything about why he wanted you guys out of the house? If it's for the sake of recreational drug use (whether it's harmless is really BESIDES the point, if it splits up a family, physically harmless doesn't matter) and for his gf - he needs a reality check. His children should come first, not a poor third or fourth. Since he's the adult here, all you can really do is tell him how you feel, how concerned you are about him and what's happened to your family, and hope he wants to change. It's sad, but you can't MAKE him want to change, all you can do is give him the information, and incentive, and hope your feelings are important enough for him to consider. Please bear in mind if he doesn't change - the fault is not with you, and there's only so much you can do to help someone who refuses to be helped. You have to remember to look out for yourself and your sibs at this point - if he doesn't respond to you, concentrate your efforts on keeping the rest of your family close, and hope someday he'll realize what he's losing, and let him bear the responsibiity for that, not you.

Just an opinion - but, unless you're happy continuing this indefinitely, and basically being "friends with benefits," you're going to have to take a stand on it. Friends with benefits ONLY works when both parties have the same emotional involvement and only feel a very close friendship - it doesn't work when one party is in love with the other and it's unrequited, because that party will always want the "something more." And unless you do something now - if her feelings are the same when she left - she's going to be quite comfortable in this situation. You won't be. That's not very fair to you. You don't have to be mean about it, just tell her you aren't comfortable being in the situation where you guys sleep together with no committment, because you're still in love with her and want more than that from your relationship, and it hurts you. Right now she has no incentive to make a firm decision - she has you, and she has her freedom. It's one thing if she is honestly considering getting back together with you, but quite another if she's the only one getting only positive benefits from the situation, you need to find out her intentions and go from there, not let speculation tear you apart.

Be honest with him - tell him how you feel, and tell him why. I wouldn't rush back into anything, because it doesn't sound like he's resolved his feelings; he lets go, and panics when he realizes he's let go too far, and then wants you back. That's a vicious cycle to go through all the time. So be honest, tell him what you said here, that you're young, you love him, but you think you're better off as friends than going through this over and over, because eventually you'd lose each other completely that way. Tell him you don't want to live in fear of wondering when he's going to leave again, you'd rather have a strong stable friendship, than a back and forth relationship that's obviously hurting you both. He might still beg and plead - or he might calm down if he realizes he's not in danger of losing you completely, but at least he'll know exactly where you're coming from either way. Depending on how he reacts will tell you how you have to handle him from there. Good luck!

If you're jealous - you have some attraction feelings there, even if they're buried under other feelings, because if you think about it, if what you felt was only friendly, would the thought of him with someone else do anything except maybe give a little prick to your pride? Is there any reason to think he's cheating on you beyond past history? I know your baby is young yet - have you felt less attractive to him since having her? There's a LOT of emotional stuff that goes on shortly after having a child, both physically created from your hormones bouncing around, and just from becoming a parent, having something else taking the main focus of your life, and how you feel about your body. Not to mention, no matter how much you love your baby, there's no getting around it changes a LOT of your lifestyle. Have you talked with him as far as how he feels about it? Take a little time for yourself and see if you can come up with some ideas of where your feelings are coming from, both from things he might be doing, or signals he might be giving you, and from within yourself, and see if it gives you any ideas.

What it will affect even worse is the stamina you have to work out with - your stamina will start lower and increase more slowly than a non-smoker's, so you'll get slower results.

For the ring itself - depending what you had in mind, you can look up the meanings of some stones and have them included almost like a mother's ring, and write a note that expresses the meaning of each, how you feel and what you're promising her. It depends on what kinda expression suits you as well - I've seen them given on teddy bears, on a rose with a card, even on a pair of running shoes on the laces! Use something that would be a token of your first date maybe, like put it in a vhs case of the first movie you went to, on the handle of a coffee mug if you went to a coffee shop - be creative, do soemthing that's totally you, and will show her you remember the little things. Even take her to the place you had your first date, if that's practical! Just remember it's usually the little things that make the biggest impression and make something truly special as opposed to the grand gesture!

It sounds like moving on is in your best interests, without a doubt. While he may have quit drinking, his habit of verbal abuse is still alive and well, and that's something you don't need to tolerate while he tries to "change". Ok, he's trying. That's good. You, however, don't need to be his therapist to help him and get dragged through the old pattern while he works on himself. This is where a third party, a therapist or counselor, should be helping him, someone without the emotional involvement to get uplifted when he succeeds, and devastated when he doesn't. Someone with a strictly professional interest, who will be able to evaluate him with no emotional bias. If he really wants you back - that's HIS job to find someone to get him on the right track, and that person should not be you. He wants another chance? Great - he can go through counseling without the baggage of dragging you through more abuse while he works on it, and if he still loves you then, ask you to see him - after you don't have to worry about how he'll treat you. In a nutshell - he hasn't changed yet, and is only deluding himself he has. All the reasons you left him are still there. The only change is you realize he doesn't have to drink to be verbally abusive. Hehe, not much of a change there, except that he has bigger issues than drinking to resolve, eh? Until he realizes his issues aren't going to vanish just because he WANTS them to, and is willing to go for help, he's not worth the pain he's going to put you through to try a relationship with him. In abusive situations, trying is NOT good enough when there's backslides more than successes. Think about it, if he was physically abusive, would "I tried not to hit you, and only slapped you once, I'm really trying!" be good enough? So, neither is this. Don't let him pressure you into reconsidering something that would only cause you more pain - he's given you enough of that under the veil of "love" already.

First, you're NOT using her. You want her as part of a committed relationship, and not just whatever seems to fit at the time, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, a lot of girls with guys who are scared to commit would kill to be in those shoes. Wanting to stay in contact to ease into friends might be nice in theory - but it can be very emotionally cruel to one or both parties, because you're in the habit of thinking and interacting as a "couple" and that doesn't go away overnight, and makes the realization that you're not one more painful. And while friendship CAN turn back into a relationship, from what I've seen, once you're there, it's rare unless both the parties feel more than friendship the entire time. It sounds like she feels responsible for her mom, since her dad is dead, being "the one" who's still there for her mom. And it really depends on her mom's actions how easy it'll be for her to break free from that. It sounds like what she needs to do is sit down and talk to her mom and tell her "Mom, I will always be here for you, and I will always be your daughter, but I'm growing up, and even if you feel I'm making some mistakes, there's some things I have to use my own judgement for, and if some are mistakes, learn from them to grow into a wiser adult. Even if you can't back up all my decisions and think some are wrong, I need your support, not your criticism. If the decisions are bad ones, I'll find out for myself, and I'll learn from them." Because it seems she's confusing being there for her mom, and making her feel better by trying to do what her mom thinks is right - and that can become an unhealthy and unhappy situation that will leave her torn every time her mom's views on something differs from hers. I'd also, if you haven't, explain to her you weren't trying to use her by cutting off contact until she can decide, but on the contrary, trying to make things less painful for both of you and let her think about it without pressuring her, and without the pain of being in a limbo situation, where you're neither just friends, or in a relationship. You're both still very attached from the sounds of it, and there's some security in keeping contact, and some insecurity that's bound to come as soon as you hang up the phone and realize the situation you're in. It's a push-pull thing, your emotions crave the contact, and your mind preys on the fact that you're not "together" in the same way, putting you through the wondering of just how you both really feel, and where it's going. I might be off base, but it doesn't sound like she's trying to play any games here, more as if she feels trapped by the perceived obligation to consider her mom's wishes and opinions conflicting with how she feels about you. Normally, I wouldn't recommend keeping much contact. At the same time, she's said she wants to come back, and it's only this conflict that's stopping her. So, I see a couple viable options... one being talk to her and ask her if she really wants to work towards getting back together, not a decision that she has to give a timeline, but more "if this is what you want, is it something you just need time to come to terms with, or am I hoping for something that probably won't happen?" If she honestly just wants to resolve things with her mom first, your support on that would actually be a benefit - because she'll have nobody giving her emotional support but her mom otherwise. Heck, ask her if YOU can talk to her mom and tell her you really do love her daughter, and don't want the conflict between you tearing her apart, and ask even if she can't give wholehearted approval, at least compromise, for her daughter's sake. It's harder to maintain a hard line against someone who shows maturity and compassion for the person you're trying to protect. The other, if she's not sure she wants to work towards getting back together, explain you think she'd feel less conflicted if you didn't maintain as much contact while she decides. And ask her to really think about what she wants, and if she can talk to her mom and work out their relationship as well. Wow, I'm getting long winded here... I suppose basically, if she knows she wants to get back together with you and just isn't ready now, that's something you CAN reasonably support without falling into the "friends only" trap, but if she's uncertain, less contact is in BOTH your interests. The biggest thing is going to be talking to her and asking her not so much if she's sure what she's ready to DO, but how she feels and what she wants. And make your feelings clear on your intentions, which weren't to hurt her or force her into a corner.

Wow - I thought I was in a controlling relationship (just recently separated) and this blows mine out of the water! I don't know how old you are, but you're not being treated like a wife, a partner, an adult, or even a person here - curfew??? I didn't see him having one here! Grounded from your car? I mean, I got this kind of treatment at 16 when I was still learning very basic responsibility from my parents - but even then I wouldn't have accepted it from a boyfriend, much less a husband. You hit the nail on the head with the control label. You pay your husband to drive your car, he can ground you from it, you have a curfew... and he storms out and doesn't return til the next day when you don't comply with something he thinks you should've. This is the kind of behavior I occasionally get from my kids, defying logic because he didn't get "his" way and basically throwing a tantrum. Nobody should have to live this way! If you want to try to save this relationship, get into counseling asap, with him. If he refuses to see there's a problem with him and won't go, at least go yourself to get some outside perspective on the situation. Personally, I'd be looking at ways to get out, and fast. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he's already got you in the position of trying to comply with what he wants rather than deal with the fallout, I've been there, and it's one hell of a cycle to break out of after it's been established. You need respect from him, respect, and trust as a person, and you're getting little if any, none that I see from your description. If you ever need backup when it's tempting to go along with it a bit longer because the alternative seems too frightening, PM me, but please don't accept that this is the way you have to live for the next 20+ years!

LOL - oh, I know people like this too... Sometimes you just gotta say "Dude, I know different people find different things funny, but what you're finding humorous in this frankly annoys me; please give it a rest already! You're a cool guy, and I know you can kick my ass, please don't make me buy stock in Tylenol, ok?" There's some people who need the equivalent of a brick over the head to even SEE a hint, you know? And he may well be one of them and think you're playing along, when you're irritated as hell

This really isn't something you can put a time limit on, IMO... I'd think the best you can do is do what you can to make sure you carry on doing things that make you feel like you're not just sitting waiting, really make sure you use the time as well to think on what YOU want from the relationship if you two decide to reconcile - especially since this is the third time. Try to think on how much of you wanting to get back together with her is based on what you think you can realistically work out - and what's the longing for the feeling of being together with her, since I doubt you want another breakup to result from this. Take care of yourself for a while, be good to yourself and put yourself first - sometimes a little selfishness is necessary when you're trying to figure out where to go from where you are. And think about what you can do to make it easier (I don't say easy, since that doesn't happen) to move on if you or she conclude it's not possible to give this another shot. You don't have to be pessimistic - but do be as prepared as possible for whatever may come.

Hey - it sounds like it could be a combination of a lot of things changing at once with all that going on, almost like being homesick, since everything around you just isn't the same as it was. Give yourself a chance to find your feet again, talk to the great guy you're dating and see if you guys can do some "hang out" as well as dating time, just for company and to get some sort of stability and routine back, and see if there's either new friends you can make, or if your old friends would be more likely to include you if you let them in on how you feel a bit. They may be backing off thinking you don't have as much time with your new guy - and they can't know you feel left out and alone without you telling them. Lots of people are hesitant to offer much in the way of support if you don't reach out first and let them know you need it, sure, some might be jerks and not understand, but some will be happy to know there's a way they can hels a friend out. And don't feel bad, you'll get a chance to return the favor someday!

To his benefit - he probably honestly believes he has changed. However, the time he's been taking these classes, he's been away from your friend. Some of the situations and pressures haven't been there. So I doubt he's learned to deal with them completely effectively yet. Any kind of therapy where you're learning to change the way you react is usually a pretty long and ongoing process - he should stay in some kind of therapy - ESPECIALLY for the first months they get back together. I think you're right to be concerned - old patterns and habits are just too easy to fall back into for 8 sessions to be a cure all. And some things take a lifetime committment to change and stay changed - from what you're saying, I don't think he's realized that. Can she get him to agree to go to counseling when they get back together, as a couple? Even once a week - at least that would keep a third party in the loop who might see warning signs that she might try to justify or dismiss - before the abuse cycle starts again.

uofahotgurl - when you can sit down and talk to him, no accusations, but putting things in a manner like "this is how X situation makes me feel, can we talk about some things that would give me a better feeling of security in your feelings and committment to me?" and just literally talk, ask him how he feels about it, come up with ideas together, discuss both of your feelings, like how he feels about the problem trusting him - which could be frustrating if he doesn't know how to go about proving himself. You might not come up with a lot of answers right off, but just being able to talk about it without it being anyone's sole "fault" can be a big help in itself, you knowing he's willing to take the time to listen, and him knowing you're listening to him, can make a big difference. Talk to him as a lover - but also as a friend who you're trying to tell something to to gain understanding. Don't let it turn into a "you make me feel like crap when you..." on either side. And really listen to what he's saying - you might be surprised to find out how much that can help, just in itself, actually knowing how he feels instead of having to guess. Annonomous - try asking her to hang out somewhere comfortable for both of you, studying if you're both in school, getting coffee or a drink, somewhere you can talk without the pressure of a "date" atmosphere.

I'm assuming body compt is a bodybuilding competition? In that case it might be hard, avoiding her if they are in the same hobby may be well nigh impossible. Just like if it was a co-worker, he may feel you're being unreasonable. You might be better approaching it as "I understand you're liable to run into her, but if you could please keep it to businesslike and civil when it's necessary to speak to her, and not give her any cause to think you're interested, I'd appreciate it." He shouldn't go WITH her, of course, that's a given, but they're likely to cross paths at the same ones from time to time. At some point, whether it's this girl or another, you'll have to decide if you can trust him or not, because after you've had one reason to lose trust, it's easy to find others when you're looking. The smallest things can appear to be "signs" and it becomes a situation of "guilty until proven innocent" that can destroy a relationship. bzborow1 is right though - forbidding something makes it more of an issue to do it, just to prove he's not "whipped" and can make his own decisions. You'll get further asking him to be open and honest about his contacts and telling him in return you appreciate that honesty than flatly forbidding something. Which would be preferable, him telling you he had to talk to her about the free weight stand, or covering it up and you discovering it later, where it seems like a guilty secret? If he doesn't feel he can tell you about the most innocent contact with other females, anything you hear about secondhand is going to make him look guilty, and give you more and more cause to doubt him. Either way, it sounds like the two of you talking, and you considering carefully if he's given you any cause to distrust what he says, or any actions since, is going to be necessary. Lack of communication and honesty is probably the biggest thing that feeds a lack of trust, so see what the two of you can work out together.

If you try to put your arm around her, hold her hand - does she lean into you? Or seem awkward and try to find a reason to pull away? If she leans into you, either she's really comfortable with you or she's definitely interested. Oh, and btw, the comment about her friend may not mean she doesn't like you - it can also be an indirect way of giving an opinion and seeing how you react to another girl at the same time - so that could be taken more than one way. You'll never know til you try though - you can always ask her "if I was to ask you out on a real date, would you say no?"

If you guys decide to try to work things out - I'd make some sort of pact between you to always discuss everything with the two of you - and NOT take what anyone else says at face value. Even friends with good intentions tend to slant what they say with their own opinions of what they think you need to hear for "what's best for you," which is not necessarily what really IS best, since only you can judge that. It's much easier to communicate well without other people getting in the way!

I'd say your reaction was the right one - from what you say, you want a relationship with this girl if she comes back, not something where you're a convenient sexual outlet while she can go out and have fun on her own time. Even if that's not her intention, it sounds like that's what it could turn into if you were all for that idea. Like, when you're busy, she can go to movies etc with other guys for the attention she said she was missing, and come to you for the fireworks. Not a nice position to end up in, and I'm sure it wouldn't do your self esteem any favors either. If it comes up again and you want to make your position clear, just tell her "I'm sorry (insert name), but it's not a casual thing for me, you know I care for you, but to me that's something that should be reserved for a committed relationship." If she initates talking to you, and you don't feel like it's hurting you to do so, it's not a problem, but if it bothers you, don't hesitate to tell her she hurt you and you're not ready to be just a casual friend with her yet, that's honest enough, and should make it clear you don't want to be led on thinking there could be more if that's not what she intends. Either way, be careful not to get stuck in a "friends with benefits" situation that would hurt you and really only benefit her. I'd seriously have to consider/reconsider carefully taking her back, just my opinion, if she was already seeing someone else before breaking off with you. Even with no sex involved, that's just really NOT cool, and it's pretty selfish and immature to not be able to consider a few weeks of needing time for your exams where your attention had to be on them, and not as much on her. Remember, it's time to put yourself first here, she's putting herself first, and you need to do the same, consider your own needs and wants from a relationship before jumping into anything.