Jump to content

The Morrigan

Bronze Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    865

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    1

 Content Type 

Everything posted by The Morrigan

  1. The Morrigan
    Oh MAN... Well, if you were really passed out, chances are it wasn't what she was hoping for. As a matter of fact, if your intentions were clear towards her and you DID pass out, this would be considered acquaintance rape if you were a girl. I do have to ask, because if I was your girl I know I would, after pushing her off, why didn't you call a cab and leave? I'm asking because the most important thing is you being willing, to her, to be responsible for the position you ended up in. You're not responsible for not knowing the situation would arise, but for what you did about it from that point. And you're gonna have to be prepared to answer some tough questions. If you thought she'd take the hint and back off and now think you were an idiot, that's exactly what you're going to have to say. Will she be able to accept it? The harsh truth is it's 50-50 at best, but you'd better tell her yourself before she hears another version from someone else. Any girl who would continue to put the moves on you after you'd said "no" may not have too many other scruples about trying to get you. And you sure don't want her to get a version from your "friend's" point of view. A lot is going to depend on if you have a lot of trust from your girlfriend already, if not, she might not believe what you say, and there won't be a lot you can do about it. Sorry, but now's when you'll find out the hard way how strong a foundation you have, and if you being honest, and honestly sorry will be enough for her. And I'd be pretty pissed at your "friend" if I were in your position, you being a guy doesn't make it any more acceptable to try to take advantage.
  2. The Morrigan
    On Your Time by: Dark Tranquility
  3. The Morrigan
    I'd say it's a very individual thing - it really depends on when it feels right, not just on hormones. Don't let anyone else decide for you, you'll know yourself when you really want to share that with someone. It's something you should be ready and eager to experience then, not something you'll be worrying if it's the right thing for you; until then, wait, but don't be afraid of what anyone else will think when you decide either way. It's your body and your feelings, and that's what you ultimately have to go with.
  4. The Morrigan
    I think I'd have to tell her trust is also allowing your friends or partner their privacy and trusting they're not hiding anything. Nobody should have to feel they have no personal space to have another trust them, that's basically saying THEY don't trust YOU if they can't see everything you're doing, and that is NOT trust. Don't let it get turned around to where you're the guilty party either - nobody has the inherent right to read your emails, your convos, check your phone records, or check on where you've been in order to "trust" you, if they really trust you it would never be an issue in the first place. Side note - I think you're right in maintaining a friendly distance if this is the way she's acting as a friend; as more it would be likely to escalate I think, not a nice situation to get into.
  5. The Morrigan
    Ok, I don't follow wicca, or anything specific, but a kind of catch all philosophy that makes sense to me, so I can't give technical advice... But, IMO, I wouldn't WANT something guaranteed - I'd rather not have to question years down the road if someone wants to be with me, or was coerced to. Most pagan schools are against coercion per se, and stop at positively influencing basic circumstances in favor of your wishes, the rest being up to you and the other party involved. I'd be a bit leery of something "guaranteed" to bring results. Heck, I'm a cynic about most "guarantees" because the fine print often makes it nearly impossible to meet the refund requirements, so be cautious.
  6. The Morrigan
    Yeah, seems you might not have an option, in order to wait to see her, you'd have to preserve the illusion things are fine til then, which isn't much of an option either. Was she coming there to visit you specifically, or are her friends and family nearby where you are? If it's to visit you in specific, you REALLY don't have a choice, that would be an awful situation, the buildup to the visit to have it be a breakup instead. At least if you tell her beforehand she can make other plans instead of planning around you. You can explain to her on the phone that you'd have preferred to see her in person, because it seems wrong to do on the phone, and explain to her at the same time you'd have felt wrong leading her on until you saw her just for the sake of it being in person - if she wants the closure of a face to face meeting, you can always deal with that later. For now, it seems the most important thing is to let her know where you stand so she can start dealing with it, instead of feeling like you led her on just to let her down. No matter how you tell her, it won't be any easier for her to hear in person than on the phone, and since you're sure you're ready to break it off, you need to let her know as soon as you can to be fair to her.
  7. The Morrigan
    Think of it this way - every day you put it off for another day, is a day she could be starting to deal with this, and moving towards finding someone who will be in love with her the way you wish you were. There's no getting around hurting her, but it's not going to hurt any less dragging it on longer, and it's taking time away from both of you building something new with someone else. As far as contact goes - my advice would be to back off for a while after - you won't do her or yourself any favors remaining so close to each other that you won't put your whole self into something new. It's all too easy to stay emotionally dependent on someone you're comfortable with and have learned to rely on, and it would tear her apart still being in love with you and having you close, but not hers. Let her determine what's comfortable for her, and what hurts too much, if she feels she needs no contact whatsoever, you'll have to accept that that's what she needs to get past this.
  8. The Morrigan
    I have to agree - worst case is you get yourself out of limbo with that bit of doubt and can move on, best case is you're reading her wrong and she may be interested after all - but you won't find out if you don't ask. Even if you have to hear she likes you as a friend, might get that push you need to get your mind out of it's track and start looking around you again.
  9. The Morrigan
    First, I'd have to say, consider why your ex IS your ex and not your current. While after 5 years he is likely to have matured, he's still the same person things didn't work out with before. You still find him attractive, plus he's back home in a place you miss, and I'm sure you're thinking of things you guys would be able to do together you haven't been able to with your current boyfriend, but you have to look at the whole picture and what you'd be losing as well as the positive points. Also consider that there's no way a relationship with your ex would be perfect, because no relationship is, no matter how your wishes paint it. Just consider very carefully if there's anything that would make you happier where you are, like taking some classes where you could meet people to hang with there, joining a club or gym, anything that would get you out of the homesickness portion of it a little and get some persespective where it's not all tangled up together. In the end, you'll have to go with what you feel is best for you, just be as sure as possible you've looked at everything clearly so you won't have regrets over your decision, or at least as few regrets as possible.
  10. The Morrigan
    You can also try to look for any special interest clubs and groups in the area - anyone you meet there, you'll have a ready made subject to open conversations with, and somewhere to go at least once a week or so. Got extra time, take a book or the paper to a coffee shop, strike up conversations with others that come in for a break by themselves. I dunno if there's bookstores with coffee shops in your area like Barnes and Noble, but they sometimes have musicians playing or a comedy act in the little cafe within the store, people will just hang out after picking out their books or music, and most people on their own are more than happy to have someone strike up a conversation with them. Some bars and clubs as mentioned also have a less "party" and more cozy atmosphere, and dropping by after work hours when more people are just going in for a drink after work instead of a party night is a good chance to meet people who wouldn't do the party scene.
  11. The Morrigan
    Make sure you have plenty to stay occupied between talking to her so you're not counting the minutes - believe me, there is NOTHING that can make time move slower than watching the clock! You don't want to have no life between those calls except obligations and have everything revolve around them, you'll make yourself depressed and miserable, which isnt gonna help your relationship. If you don't have a hobby or interest that appeals to spend the time alone or with friends, maybe come up with something to work on specifically for before you see her, make her something, exercise and work out towards a goal, look around for things that you guys can do when she is there, but keep your mind and self actively involved in something positive.
  12. The Morrigan
    If he's being completely honest with you, and if hasn't given you any reason to think he's not, don't call him, but see what he says if/when he calls you. Under the circumstances, it's likely to be very chaotic there right now. If this is a regular pattern he gets into, I'd worry, but if this just came up, you have to decide whether you feel you can trust him about what's going on in his life there, and see if he follows through on things in general. There's a LOT of faith implied in LDRs because of the distance, since you can't see your partner every day, if you can't trust him now, that's likely to get worse, not better, since sometimes things do happen beyond our control. If it's a pattern, THEN you've got a problem with his being able to commit to considering you first whenever possible, but if it's a rare circumstance and he normally keeps his committments to keeping in touch, you have to accept sometimes things will happen that interfere with the best laid plans, and deal with it as best you can. Do talk to him if it's bothering you, keep the lines of communication as open as possible, and give him the chance to give you what assurance he can. If you can put it in a nonconfrontational way he's likely to be able to see how hard it is from your side, and it also gives you the chance to explore with him what would make you feel more confident. That his gf IS now an ex is a good thing, doesn't sound like he tried the "have his cake and eat it too" by putting you off til he could "decide" how to tell her. And don't worry about not being able to literally "kiss and make up," there are plenty of things you can do in a LDR that are just as effective, as often as my best friend and myself have fought, I've gotten rather well acquainted with them!
  13. The Morrigan
    I have to agree on this in the main - even if you put the NICEST possible slant on it, that she doesn't want to hurt her boyfriend and hasn't figured out how to tell him she wants to move on, she should have put actual involvement with you on hold before letting him go. Not doing that makes it cheating, no matter HOW nicely you try to put it. And if she doesn't have to make a decision, it's not going to help matters any, for anyone, it gets easier to justify putting something off the longer you do it. She needs to make a choice here, this isnt a good position for anyone involved.
  14. The Morrigan
    Alcohol tends to break down some of your normal inhibitions, probably gives you a buffer from your usual shyness. That's both a good thing, that you know you can be outgoing, and a bad thing, in that you don't want to get into the habit of using it as a crutch to avoid dealing with getting past it in normal situations. Start out slow, maybe read some of the past posts in the shyness and getting past it forum, see if you get any ideas of little things you'd normally shy away from that are smaller steps than diving right on in, and then see about calling some of those numbers you seem so good at getting, even if it's just "hey, wanted to see if you were going to be back at (insert bar name here) again anytime soon, it was nice meeting you last time!" Remember you don't HAVE to ask for a date right away to express interest in someone or start up communications, don't pressure yourself!
  15. The Morrigan
    Well, most monks practice discipline, and many aesthetics, and they're celibate, so it might be something else to look into - hey, you're overcoming a natural reaction, so it might not be easy going, and take a bit of experimentation and maybe some things in combination to find what works best for you. G'luck!
  16. The Morrigan
    I'd have to tell him frankly that his expectations are unrealistic, that it's something you might be able to handle down the road, but if he's leaving you need to deal with that, not him acting like things are just fine and dandy. He's not letting you move on by coming and going, or properly deal with the emotions of him leaving, and you need to put yourself and your needs first. If you need to learn to get through the day without him there, he has to let you learn to do just that, not appear and disappear as he pleases and cripple your efforts in the process. Figure out how you can best deal with the situation, and don't give him the option of putting his wants ahead of your own needs. It sounds like you've had a rough time, best of luck to you.
  17. The Morrigan
    Depending on the job, yeah, she could have gotten stuck, I know I have before, and depending on her personality and her boss, if she's "asked" to work late it may not be much of a request, more a demand she felt she can't say no to. Did she say anything about trying for another day? If you ask her again, ask if there's a specific day that the work situation wouldn't be likely to arise. Or give her a couple of options and ask her to choose. Hmm, I might even ask her for something a little less traditional than the regular dinner date, something that's not looked on as much pressure for conversation with someone you don't know, like a comedy club, a dinner theatre, something that gives a conversational topic in itself.
  18. The Morrigan
    Supposedly chaste berry and hops as well as black willow can have that effect. A store with a wide selection of herbals, or a natural products store, will probably carry them in tablet form, but make sure to ask a doctor or consult an herbalist about the correct dosage for the specific effect you want since many herbs have a multitude of uses, and the wrong dose can either be useless or dangerous depending. You might also want to consider looking into practicing some form of meditation or yoga, some form of mental discipline as an alternative to relying on a chemical if you're sure you want to lower your physical desire and reactions, safer and longer lasting IMO.
  19. The Morrigan
    I know it's hard, but... he's not either of your exes. Part of the trouble (though far from all) in my marriage, and part of what drove the current separation, was him looking behind my back constantly for something that simply didn't exist. From my side, it was frustrating and infuriating, because years of spying turned up nothing, well, of course, because there WAS nothing lol! but there was no way to "prove" innocence, it had to come from him believing it, and he didn't. Looking is normal as pertaining to an admiring glance, what isn't is speculating and not having the respect and self control to put the relationship above the momentary thrill of doing something illicit. Or, of having the courtesy to tell your partner you're ready to move on before getting involved with someone else. If you think about your exes, there's probably other things they did besides cheating on YOU that showed signs of that lack of respect, and of thrill seeking, whether towards friends, work, or in day to day actions. If telling yourself no matter who he's run into, or seen, or even had try to chat him up, he's put you, what he feels for you, and your relationship first, isn't helping, you might want to see a counselor to help you work through it. It's not something you want to carry around making both you and your partner miserable, so don't be afraid to ask for a bit of help if you need it. If you think it might help, even ask him to go with you as a couple, or even as support, the more he's involved in it, the more he can help you with it.
  20. The Morrigan
    It sounds strange, but try writing it at first instead of trying to find the words to speak - I have similar issues, and my conversation tends to be very inexpressive without a huge effort, but I've found I can write what's in my head much more easily than fumble to say it. It's like speaking it actually addresses two issues, not one - finding the words, AND opening up to someone in a position that feels very vulnerable. Start keeping a journal of your emotions and get used to putting them in words to yourself, it might gradually make it easier to find the words for him as well, and if you really want to tell him how you feel, and can't, try writing it down for him and discussing it from what you wrote.
  21. The Morrigan
    It's possible, even probable, even if she's not thinking of it that way, since that's been the focal point of your relationship beyond friendship. It could be hard, simply because there's never been any requirements for a committment to have a relationship with you, since you were sleeping with her when she was with someone else. The die has already been set, so to speak, there were no demands on her for more than just sex and friendship, so she may well see no pressing need to go further, especially if she's quite happy with the way things are (and many would be, all the bennies, none of the work). Oh yes, you can love more than one person at a time, just as they are individuals, you can feel for more than one person individually. And those feelings can't be "turned off," though an effort to move on certainly speeds up being able to move into a new relationship, where dwelling will not help in the least. But if you read over posts and listen, people will still retain some feelings for exes even when they really love a new partner. When someone's been a part of your life for a long time, some feelings linger inevitably. The problem I see here is as routerx pointed out, there hasn't been any boundaries or requirements here, basically you've been the "other woman" in her life and have accepted that she had another person as well. It's a similar situation as a mistress pressing for marriage and the guy looking at her like she's sprung a third head - because the relationship was never defined with expectations like that. If you want an idea of IF she'd be willing to make it a relationship, you're going to have to talk to her if that's what you want out of it - but, I hate to say, bear in mind, you were "the other" with her ex, and that can lead to some trust issues if you two do start a relationship.
  22. The Morrigan
    I think it really depends on "life experience" once you're talking about two adults, I mean like early 20's on up. if you've got someone who's older but been relatively sheltered, they can actually be more immature than someone who's been exposed to harsher things and had to be independent from an early age. Before that point though, physical maturity and hormones haven't even really finished settling from puberty in some cases, and socially, the levels are way different, school as opposed to work, living with mom and dad as opposed to being independent. I don't like "rules" as a rule, because there's too many people who can and do fall outside any generalizations the rules were made from. Just try and keep some perspective and exercise some good judgement, really weigh if the relationship will be a positive thing for both of you on all fronts, and if the age gap is large, I'd just make sure I looked carefully before leaping and getting maybe disappointed. And be prepared to face a lot of criticism depending.
  23. The Morrigan
    I'd ask her and see what she says, worst case is you might get to talk to her a bit about what she's scared of and build her confidence a little, she might be worried about what you'd expect, or have no idea what to do here. You're good friends, so getting to talk about it openly should be a good thing.
  24. The Morrigan
    Your feelings aren't "wrong" because you can't control who you're attracted to, and who you like. Judgement comes into play in what you choose to do about them. Yeah, in my opinion it is wrong to try to pursue anything with her while she's with your friend, it's not respecting her choice to be with him. And it's not showing much regard for your friend either. If you'd choose a girl over your friendship that easily, how good of a friend is he? Bear in mind if you go after her while she's with him, not only could you lose his friendship, but hers as well if she feels awkward about it. If more is going to happen with this girl, it won't, or at least shouldn't, be when she's with someone else. Stay within your bounds while she's taken, do your own thing, and see how you feel if a real chance comes along with her at a later date - at least you won't have any bad feelings between you. Worst case is you still have them both as good friends. Heck, enjoy getting to know her as a person, at least you do have that already, don't ditch it for what you want beyond that.
  25. The Morrigan
    It sounds like she might be in that "questioning" stage of wondering if her judgement call was right in breaking up with you, and trying to figure out how she feels about you now. If you don't want to confirm she was RIGHT to break things off, keep in mind the reasons you think she did in the first place, don't slide back into jumping through hoops for her now, since you seem to have made enough of an impression to make her question. She's starting to take some of the initiative here? Good! LET HER. You can sound open to seeing her without jumping whenever she makes contact. For example, when she messages, by all means say it was great to talk to her, but make sure you "have to go" before she does at least some of the time. She asks you along somewhere? Damn, pity you already have plans this time, if she can ask you what a good day would be for you though, you'll keep it open, sorry, sounds like it would've been fun, and appreciate the invite. She takes that into consideration and asks you to go along for a time you've given her, great, sounds good, cya there! Encourage her efforts, make her enjoy taking the initiative, without falling into the doormat role. Don't undo everything you've accomplished. And by all means, make her wonder a bit, she walks in front of you again, give her a wink and a grin to let her know you saw, she may well enjoy trying to get your attention for a while. Be flirtatious - pique her interest with that, it'll be a much bigger thrill for her to get your attention there than seeing puppy dog looks from you, so keep it up!
×
×
  • Create New...