troubled

Thanks Lightingbird. I have decided that I will not change things from the way they are. How could I when I don't know if what I feel is real. I apprecate the help.

Thanks for the advice. I think as of now I will sit on it and keep my mouth shut. We will both be home during Christmas and I don't want weirdness there. That, and I still don't know if what I am feeling is real you know though it really does....and I think it would hurt my ex girlfriend a lot to see me move on so quick. I think I should show more respect in that case.

I need an opinion no matter good or bad. I have recently moved a good distance away from home to a city for work after finishing university. Me and my girlfriend of three years broke up not long after I got here. It was a combination of the distance and feelings just changing. I ended it and it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. It makes me physically ill to think of what she must be going through after our break up. I didn't know if I could do it because I knew it would hurt her so badly. She is a wonderful girl and our relationship was good but the feelings were fading for reasons I can't explain. I knew it was best for both of us. It was hard on the two of us but I know I am feeling more relief from the break up, and her more pain, and that kills me. But I wrote about that a while back and I have a new issue. A new lady. I come from a small town where everyone knows everyone. I graduated high school with less the 50 people. I now everyone well and while this girl was never my best or closest friend I feel I know her pretty well having grown up with her since 5 years old. Anyhow after high school and into university it became the thing where all my friends (her included) would party when we were around each other but that got less and less. I would keep in touch somewhat over emails and such, and I would see her from time to time, but I never thought of her as anything but a friend from home. She had moved to another city very close to where I now live. She was excited that I was coming to live close, not for any particular reason other than it is nice to have someone from home around, and I was excited that I would have a friend somewhat close in a new city where I knew few people. Well we started talking on the computer most every day. A couple weeks in and she came down with friends and we went out to the bars. I had a great time. We talked about old times and had a wonderful night. But a feeling that I never saw coming had hit me. I dared not do anything about it but when she left the next morning I felt sooo alone and longing for her. I genuinely missed her a lot, just after that one night. Anyhow a couple weeks went by and she asked what I was up to. I told her there was a party I was going to and she seemed interested. I told her to come down and she did. It was not the most fun night but I enjoyed her just being there. Once again nothing happened. I am too scared to try anything because I fear I will make things weird with this great friend who I have gotten closer to. And that is important to me as neither of us really knows many people where we are. So I went to visit her once after that and the visit was horrible. I only stayed the night and she was very cold from the time I got there. So much so that I didn't think she wanted to be even friends anymore. All I wanted to do was go home but I managed to keep my cheer in front of her despite her acting so weird. By the time I got home she had emailed me in apology for acting so weird and quiet all night, and said school was just stressing her out really badly. I continued to believe it was me until one of our mutual friends told me how bad she felt and that she was crying and really worked up about school. Anyhow I wish I could explain all the positive and negative signs but I would take up too much of your time. I tend to focus on the negative ones more strongly. Just want to hear someone's opinion on the situation. A concern first off is whether I have a chance or if I will just ruin a friendship that has grown bigger than I could have imagined. Another concern is it my feelings are just that of being lonely in a new city for a familiar face, or rebounding from my old relationship. I don't believe it to be the later but I could see my feelings coming from the familiarity she provides being logical. Just looking for opinions. Thanks Troubled

I just wanted to post my initial post again in this topic in case anyone wanted to referance. ===original post=== I stumbled accross this site looking for help. I am in a situation that breaks my own heart and makes me sick every time I think about it. I am in my early twenties and am three and a half years into a relationship with a beautiful young lady of the same age. We have spent the majority of our relationship (95%) in a distance setting only seeing each other every second weekend or so. We have even experienced months apart, but have lived together for a couple months and experienced a lot together. We talk on the phone every night. I have always enjoyed her company and have always been faithful to her and her to me. Our families love each other though do not get to see each other often. I believe that I was very in love with her but over the last year of our relationship I have realized I am not. I want to get out of the relationship. How do I end this? She is very in love with me. We had talked about our future together when things were good, but once you start talking about those topics, it is hard to stop when you see your feelings declining. How would you have all of a sudden stopped talking about it if you were not sure you were losing the feelings? Telling your significant other to hold the phone of the "Future plans" would most certainly start a potential break up talk and at that point you don't know if that is what you want. And by the time you realize that future is not what you want…it's too late. Though I have been ready to get out of the relationship for about a year now I have never let on because I can not stomach the idea of hurting someone so badly, and in my cowardice to hurt someone that badly I chose to either wait for something to happen such as her feelings wearing off, or for me to bite the bullet and live a lie for life. I am in a state now where though I am trying to gain the courage to break up with her, I can just as easily see myself proposing to her within 2 years and living a life with her. I think sometimes that I could live more easily with forgoing my own happiness in finding my true love by providing her with hers, than I would be able to live with the guilt of causing someone so much pain. She is a kind soul and a loveless life with her would still be better than the life of most so maybe I shouldn't complain. The problem is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is beautiful, smart and funny, but I am just not in love with her. We do not fight often and so for me to break up with her now would be so out of the blue I think it would blindside her so badly that she would not know what hit her. I don't know how she would possibility deal with it. I recently finished school and moved away to a location where we will not see each other for a couple months, but she has bought a ticket to come see me after the holidays. I did not fight this idea, and acted as I always do with joyful acceptance. I was willing to wait it out as I had planned but had recently realized the harm I am doing myself. Though I want to do this to spare her the hurt, I am making myself crazy. I have meet with a woman in my new location I went to high school with at home and though we had always been friends who seen each other 6-10 times a year I have never felt the feelings I have for her now. Though I have been attracted to other woman in the past year since I have realized I do not love my significant other, I submitted to no action, as a monk who took a vow of celibacy. I have no interest in cheating and have chalked it up to "this is the life I have to lead". But this time it is different. While I will still never cheat, I am enjoying things that I have forgotten how good they could be. I went out to a bar with the girl from high school and a few of our mutual friends as a group and I found myself enjoying the smell of her perfume and her beautiful laugh, and though I longed to be with her the only fantasy my sexually aggressive male mind wanted to imagine was holding her in a spoon position and feeling her next to me. I feel like I am falling for her. I do not know how she feels about me but do know from sources of mutual friends that the chances are better than not, and even if not it may be the driving force I need to build my courage to do what I have to do. She will be moving soon and I had hoped that when she did she may find someone else. But if that has not happened yet I fear it never will. I do not feel that I can use distance as a reason for breaking up as it has been present in our relationship from the start and I fear she would move here in a heartbeat if necessary. I know that this is going to be hard in any way it happens and I pray to God every day for her feelings to subside for me. But it is the sudden impact of it all that makes me worry for her. I do not know whether I should just do it like a blind sided sucker punch or start by trying to distance myself in our phone calls. I know that this sounds insensitive but I feel that if she starts expecting that something is amiss that it will not be such a shock to her system when it happens. But how long is long enough to go from a seemingly "perfect" relationship to a total break-up? I need serious help. I have been sick over the subject as I have been broken up with too and know the aloneness it can leave you with. I want nothing more than for her to be happy but I can no longer provide that at the expense of my own well being. Please give me your advice. All advice will be appreciated. Troubled

I don't know how many of you had read my original post but by the tim eI stoped looking it was over 300 so I thought I should give you all an update. I did it. I broke up with hr. And for all of you new to this story...I had beed going out with this girl for closing in on 4 years and had wnted to break up with her for over a year. However I found it soooo hard to actually break someones heart like that that I decied it would be easier to bite the bullet and spend my life with her, forgoing my happiness in order to give her hers. I hoped I could break up with her but could not. I just wnt to write to telel everyone...especially those who helped my situation that I did in fact break up with her. It is not all cleaned up yet but at least the wheels are in motion

Thank you so much real amour? Your experiance sounds like exactly what I need to give me the push I require. That is the decision I have to make. I have to decide to do it now and how to approach it. But am unsure I can live with the guilt. I can very easily see myself heading down the same road as you and living a lie to myself and her. I do not want that. I just do not know if I am strong enough. Your reply leads me into thinking how things will develop over the years if I do not do it now. I do not want that life. I just want a way to make her understand. But I don't know if I can. Your responce has hit me with the reality of the situation the most and I thank you for that.

Thanks Marshall1. I do know that I want to be out of this releationship. It has been a long time since I felt anything and there is no queation I am not in love with her. I find myself wishing she would find someone else and that is not appropriate feelings to have about one you should love. I am younger and will have time to meet someone but that is not the driving force behind me. Perhaps I would just live with this were I further into my life but either way I do not feel I am doing either of us any good.

Thanks The Morrigan. I am more than prepared for no contact. If fact I would rather her take the time to be with friends and family, and because we are away from one another it would only be by phone she can contact me any how. That is another point. I don't know how comfortable I am with this having to happen over the phone. It is the only way with the distance we have right now, and God knows it would be easier on me but I feel some how that the phone is not the right way to do this. However waiting until she comes to visit seems mean. Making her travel this far. You know what I mean?

Thank you lahso. More good advice. I am past the point where the feelings will reture, I know that. You are right that I just have to do it but it is so hard. I do not know if I can.

Thanks for the response needherback. I appreciate hearing what it feels like from both sides. I was wondering how much contact is good or bad afterwards…how much of a shoulder I should be balanced with gently nudging her into independence without me. That provides some insight. Thank you.

I think that she is into you for sure. That is a lot of time to want to spend around a "friend" of the oposite sex without wanting anything. I think her jokingly telling you that she wants to end your friendship means that she wants something else. Just my thoughts. And she's going to talk a long time with her girlfriends anyhow.

Hey, no worries. Help is help wherever you look for it i guess. I can't see your hair but I think it is a good assumption that all the focus you put on it is only because it is your head. No one else will take notice of something like that. At least not to the point that it will be in their mind for more than 15 seconds. They have their own insecurities to worry about. Your fine. No problems!

I stumbled accross this site looking for help. I am in a situation that breaks my own heart and makes me sick every time I think about it. I am in my early twenties and am three and a half years into a relationship with a beautiful young lady of the same age. We have spent the majority of our relationship (95%) in a distance setting only seeing each other every second weekend or so. We have even experienced months apart, but have lived together for a couple months and experienced a lot together. We talk on the phone every night. I have always enjoyed her company and have always been faithful to her and her to me. Our families love each other though do not get to see each other often. I believe that I was very in love with her but over the last year of our relationship I have realized I am not. I want to get out of the relationship. How do I end this? She is very in love with me. We had talked about our future together when things were good, but once you start talking about those topics, it is hard to stop when you see your feelings declining. How would you have all of a sudden stopped talking about it if you were not sure you were losing the feelings? Telling your significant other to hold the phone of the "Future plans" would most certainly start a potential break up talk and at that point you don't know if that is what you want. And by the time you realize that future is not what you want…it's too late. Though I have been ready to get out of the relationship for about a year now I have never let on because I can not stomach the idea of hurting someone so badly, and in my cowardice to hurt someone that badly I chose to either wait for something to happen such as her feelings wearing off, or for me to bite the bullet and live a lie for life. I am in a state now where though I am trying to gain the courage to break up with her, I can just as easily see myself proposing to her within 2 years and living a life with her. I think sometimes that I could live more easily with forgoing my own happiness in finding my true love by providing her with hers, than I would be able to live with the guilt of causing someone so much pain. She is a kind soul and a loveless life with her would still be better than the life of most so maybe I shouldn't complain. The problem is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is beautiful, smart and funny, but I am just not in love with her. We do not fight often and so for me to break up with her now would be so out of the blue I think it would blindside her so badly that she would not know what hit her. I don't know how she would possibility deal with it. I recently finished school and moved away to a location where we will not see each other for a couple months, but she has bought a ticket to come see me after the holidays. I did not fight this idea, and acted as I always do with joyful acceptance. I was willing to wait it out as I had planned but had recently realized the harm I am doing myself. Though I want to do this to spare her the hurt, I am making myself crazy. I have meet with a woman in my new location I went to high school with at home and though we had always been friends who seen each other 6-10 times a year I have never felt the feelings I have for her now. Though I have been attracted to other woman in the past year since I have realized I do not love my significant other, I submitted to no action, as a monk who took a vow of celibacy. I have no interest in cheating and have chalked it up to "this is the life I have to lead". But this time it is different. While I will still never cheat, I am enjoying things that I have forgotten how good they could be. I went out to a bar with the girl from high school and a few of our mutual friends as a group and I found myself enjoying the smell of her perfume and her beautiful laugh, and though I longed to be with her the only fantasy my sexually aggressive male mind wanted to imagine was holding her in a spoon position and feeling her next to me. I feel like I am falling for her. I do not know how she feels about me but do know from sources of mutual friends that the chances are better than not, and even if not it may be the driving force I need to build my courage to do what I have to do. She will be moving soon and I had hoped that when she did she may find someone else. But if that has not happened yet I fear it never will. I do not feel that I can use distance as a reason for breaking up as it has been present in our relationship from the start and I fear she would move here in a heartbeat if necessary. I know that this is going to be hard in any way it happens and I pray to God every day for her feelings to subside for me. But it is the sudden impact of it all that makes me worry for her. I do not know whether I should just do it like a blind sided sucker punch or start by trying to distance myself in our phone calls. I know that this sounds insensitive but I feel that if she starts expecting that something is amiss that it will not be such a shock to her system when it happens. But how long is long enough to go from a seemingly "perfect" relationship to a total break-up? I need serious help. I have been sick over the subject as I have been broken up with too and know the aloneness it can leave you with. I want nothing more than for her to be happy but I can no longer provide that at the expense of my own well being. Please give me your advice. All advice will be appreciated. Troubled