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Princess777

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Everything posted by Princess777

  1. Greetings. My first inclination is to think that he is not ready to get back together exclusively, but doesn't want to shut the door on you and what you have/had. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, at least he didn't break up with you by ignoring you for no reason. I do not know at this point if some of that pressure came from you or not, you didn't say. If I were you I wouldn't want to be his side dish, but that's just me. Usually women want a committment from the guy, and he's just not going there right now - that is apparent. In fact, and I hate to say this, but a person's actions indicate their feelings more than anything they say, which indicates to me that somewhere along the line he has realized that he feels he has not met the ONE yet, the ONE that, when he loves her, he will not CARE what anyone else thinks or says, and if he wants to marry her or stay with her regardless, he WILL because he knows that's where his heart is. I personally do not think a mature man who is truly in love, with the love of his life, would just break up with her because of pressure from other people. Screw other people, and if he listens to others that much then he is not really that mature, is he? He most likely felt that he could not picture himself married to you, panicked at that realization, and got out of the relationship. If you want him back, I do not know if that will happen of course, but I think your best strategy here is to NOT get involved with him at all unless he professes his undying love for you and comes back begging. If he can get you in the sack and still be free of commitment, he's having his cake and eating it too isn't he. It's up to you if you are okay with that situation but I wouldn't be. He will lose respect for you if he already hasn't. You can still definitely save face, though. Men don't like to settle down with a woman they can walk all over, and if they do, it's short lived. Stop letting him use you, either that, or make an agreement that you are BOTH okay with seeing other people too. I mean, it's either you're committed or you're not, in which case, you can see other guys too and he should be fine with it. Fair is fair, right? All in all, it depends on what kind of relationship you really WANT with this guy, or ANY guy for that matter. People treat us the way we allow them to...... always remember that! If you show them that you deserve and command respect you will get it, it's not as difficult as it seems, it's just that our emotions get in the way of our personal boundaries sometimes.
  2. Foz, you can "IF" yourself to death in this situation. But please try to separate reality from the way you feel about this reality. The reality is that he is not there anymore, and please try to understand that what you're feeling is only your RE-action to what is happening. You can CHOOSE that reaction. You can choose to keep grieving for awhile, or as long as you feel you need to, or if you're tired of it, you can choose to get mad, burn what's left of his, or do whatever it takes to get it out of your system, and live your life to its fullest without him. Remember, you were looking for a guy when you found him...... what's stopping you from finding someone new and/or just appreciating yourself right now and possibly some new personal goals? You are obviously not ready for another serious relationship but that doesn't mean you can't date someone casually or just as friends, to keep your mind off him. You might be really surprised at how it helps you get back on the horse. Don't allow another person to ever control your feelings.... he does NOT control your happiness. You do. At the moment you are allowing him to. Do you think that you control his happiness? He is already emailing other women, think about that, get MAD and then get GLAD. Be happy that this happened and try to look at the positive side of all of this - the situation will control you if you don't control IT. Keep holding your head up.
  3. I respectfully disagree that you should just let this go with "feeling guilty". What you have done is inexcusable in the eyes of marriage. You would not want your partner to withhold such information from you, so you should treat him as you would want to be treated. Imagine how crushed you would be if years down the road you found out he had a fling with his ex or another woman. (Maybe he has and you just don't know - imagine that!) You'll do whatever you feel is right, but I feel sorry for your husband if you do not tell him the truth. And I feel sorry for you for holding that guilt inside of you and allowing it to eat you alive, and eventually your karma will even everything out. Better to start the balancing of your actions NOW rather than later.
  4. Greetings. I think that you should come clean and tell your husband. Better for him to find out from you rather than your ex. Yes you screwed up and unless you come clean, it's going to haunt you and haunt you until you die. Can you imagine just living a lie for the rest of your life? What if your husband had a fling with his ex and never told you or waiting to tell you on his deathbed.... wouldn't you be devastated? Honesty is always the best policy and definitely in this situation, I think you will be a much bigger and respectable person to just own up to it, see if he'll go to marriage counseling with you to repair the damage, and if he doesn't, well, you have no one to blame but yourself and unfortunately the best lessons are the hardest ones to swallow. I'll bet you'll never cheat again huh.... ? I hope you can forgive yourself and get your husband to forgive you, but don't expect him to. Would you? I wish you luck.... whatever you do, think about how much better you'll feel if you just get it off your chest, regardless of whether you lose everything, cause at the end of the day all you've really got to look at is inside yourself and the kind of person you are. Make the change today, is what I say. Good luck
  5. Greetings. I personally can relate somewhat to what you're feeling, and I also know two people who are very close to me who felt the same things you're feeling, but with worse family conditions growing up. I think that your best bet is to remain optimistic, which is obviously what you're doing... and really, you can't do more than the best that you can do. You have a good attitude, and you still want love. That shows who you are and what you can share with someone special when you meet her. Don't lose that. I think the real problem starts when you don't want love anymore or that you don't feel that you are capable of giving love. As long as you still want good things in your life, you're doing okay and you will get them over time. I know this probably didn't help much but I wanted to respond.
  6. Greetings. Wonderful topic. I totally know where you're coming from. I, too, have thought about this. You are only 20, I'm thirtysomething, but the fact that you are realizing this now is awesome, and I wish I had when I was that young. I too have thought that sometimes I'd be better off alone, and without the hassles of a relationship, the anxieties that go along with it, and the complications of accepting someone with all of their faults and baggage (especially someone for me, since I'm older, because unfortunately, partners for me include those who have been through more in life, hence, they have more baggage. More ex's, more children, more life experiences to share with someone. It takes a lot out of a person, well, me, anyway, to live with all of that and know that I wasn't there to experience those things with him, but that we're together now. It's a constant battle of "I wish's" and "If only's". Today I'm not actually having a good day emotionally, so forgive me if I sound pessimistic. I apologize. I really understand your thoughts, because I've had them too. Sometimes it sounds easier to just say "screw it" and forget about the opposite sex. And YES that is when they all come flocking. I think since we are mammals we all have a sense that we don't really use consciously, but rather subconsciously, that detects people who aren't desperate or looking at the moment. I think it was made that way so we don't get bored as easily. Hey, I wish I understood men! I can tell you anything you want to know about me as a female but ask me how men think and all I know is what I've picked up on, through my life experiences. ... yeah it's discouraging but we cannot dwell on the bad points. I think the main problem couples have is communication, they expect each other to read the other's mind and it's impossible because we think so differently. Sometimes it's hard to keep going in the relationship category, and yes I think taking a break is a good idea when you feel overwhelmed. Who knows, the girl of your dreams will probably fall into your lap when you stop looking and worrying. I wish you happiness.
  7. I agree with Beec. Kudos to you for already kicking him out --- AWESOME. YES it's abuse. YES he's a jerk. NO you don't deserve it. YES you can do better, even if it's alone! No one, man or woman, deserves to be talked to like that and treated with such utter disrespect. He has broken your spirit. Don't call him!!! Don't talk to him,!!! Do not beg him back in any way, no matter what he does right now. I probably would never give this guy another chance. Such remarks will always invade your mind, no matter if he is Mr. Angel from now on. He owns your emotional instability right now, and will even moreso if you go back to him. You don't miss HIM. You are missing what you WANTED with him. Plain and simple. You can have what you wanted with him, with someone else. Someone who truly loves you and respects you, please don't allow him to hurt you anymore. You have to take responsibility for this, you have, and you need to keep doing it. Affirm to yourself everyday that every single thing you'll be doing in your life will put you closer to your goals, which you will make a list of immediately. When you get the urge to call him or feel lonely, look at your list of goals. Will what you are about to do put you closer to those goals? If not then don't do it. Come here and let us know how you're progressing. You are already a very strong woman to have kicked him out. A lot of abused people just keep taking it. You didn't and that makes you stronger than him. Hang in there *hugs*
  8. This IS tough. Yes I agree with all of your emotions, exactly. You said it well. Yes he should have told you. 2 years is a long time to lie to you. After all, that is almost half of your relationship too. However, she is in another country.... are you sure there is no chance that they have met up within that time? How did she get his number anyway?????? So much to think about here before you make a decision, I know. I am really not sure what I would do in this situation. It would depend a LOT on how he is acting now that he knows you know. Would you know now, if you hadn't pressed him? If he seems true to you and you actually believe that nothing has happened between them, then I would probably try to work it out and help him get rid of her. If you live together, change your phone numbers and make them unlisted. That is not difficult. If you don't live together and he is willing to change his numbers, that's great but then it is not very easy to make sure he's not calling her anymore from another place. However, if you feel you have to check up on him then you probably shouldn't stay with him. Bottom line for me would be, do you feel like you can trust him anymore? I probably couldn't but I am not the most forgiving person in the world. I expect respect and that means don't lie to me. However you react to this situation, you're screwed, I know... I am so sorry. If you forgive him with no repercussions, he'll think you're a pushover and he can do whatever he wants in the future and you'll never dump him. If you dump him, you may be losing someone who really loves you but just made the bad choice not to tell you something that he should have. I would probably take a look at his character and his actions since you've known him and think about it long and hard. Is he the type of person to hide things? Is he a liar? Is he deceitful in any other way? Does he show you that he loves you? Does he remember the important holidays and your birthday, etc? Does he pay a lot of attention to you? These questions should help you decide what to do.... Please let us know how you're doing.
  9. Nah, don't tell him that. Keep your secret to yourself for now. Yes, you're a little later than average on learning things like this but so what, it's what makes you YOU. I hope you have no intentions of sleeping with this man any time soon..... because of your inexperience, you may easily be led astray. Do not let that occur. You need to see where his heart is first. So make sure you give it plenty of time and study his actions, not so much his words, okay? As for the kissing, it might sound corny and obvious but, just make sure you brush your teeth and have nice breath.... that way you'll have the confidence within yourself to know you're doing the best you can. It's not difficult, and it will happen naturally. Good luck!
  10. Foz your words of desperateness really resonate with me. You really express yourself well, and paint a picture of a shattered woman at this point in time. I am really, really sorry that all of this is happening and I hope so badly that you can find the strength to pull yourself through this. I know that nothing we say will make your world any better right now because you are in the state that you have chosen, and that is sorrow and sadness. You are reacting purely to your emotions right now, we all understand that, believe me. I have felt the way you feel, like there was no tomorrow, like no one would ever love me the way he did, etc. But you know what, it's all bullsh*t, and you know it deep down in your heart. You know it's wrong to be thinking this way, but you cannot seem to pull yourself out of it because your heart is crushed and he did it. Think about this situation: He comes back to you, saying he made a mistake. How will you ever get the picture of that email to that girl out of your head, and all the things he's said so far? Wouldn't you fear that he would do it all again? Wouldn't it be difficult to ever trust him with your heart again? I couldn't do it myself. Wouldn't you think it would be a more productive use of your time to pick yourself up from this mess and move on and give another guy a chance to show you what he's made of? They ARE out there, there are millions of suitors for you. Remember the guy is supposed to chase the girl, not the other way around.... they're wired for that and that's what they thrive on. You are made as a woman to be receptive to his advances.... so let some guys make advances toward you instead of you grieving so much over this guy.... he is NOT WORTH IT..... no one is. I know you think he's GOD right now but he is NOT and he is NOT worthy of all of your fretting. You owe it to yourself and the time that you have left in this lifetime to make it the best it can be..... don't you think? I wish you happiness, and soon. And who cares about the painting... I'd leave it in the apartment when I left if I were you. If it makes you feel better to move, then move. I've done it many times. But you know what? It doesn't solve anything except geographically, so remember that OK.... Get your head sorted anyway you need to and that you feel is best. *hugs*
  11. You know it's sad that he doesn't just change his email password or whatever, then that way you won't be tempted anymore. But you can't expect that. I know what you mean.... if you CAN you will keep checking, it's just human nature. I think it is rather unrealistic to expect you NOT to keep checking back, and even if you do and don't tell us here, it will still torture you. And think of all of the messages you're not seeing, that he's deleted, etc. It's like dangling a $100 bill in front of you, you're going to take it, just cause you can. We long for information when we're not getting what we want from someone. We long to know what's going on in their head. The dysfunction creeps in and it consumes us when we are weak. Your only alternative in my opinion is to fight the dysfunctional thinking by strengthening your mind in any way you can. I gasped when I read that he had written to that girl... major OUCH for you... wow, how cold, but yes, it's his life and unfortunately we cannot control others. You have to understand too that he has no idea that you can get into his personal stuff. Now that you know what you know, what he's thinking, and who he's talking to, it should DEFINITELY help you to move on without him, huh? Hopefully just the anger and the hurt will make you hold your head up and almost immediately know that you're wasting your time crying over him. You do not want to embarrass yourself by saying anything to him about the girl, or playing detective anymore. But it's easier said than done, isn't it..... I wish you so much luck in your recovery dear.
  12. Interesting replies. I am glad to know that it can exist on a plutonic level through a man's eyes, but how many of you men have had long lasting (over several years) friendships with these women as a result of YOU pursuing the friendship and her not pursuing you to keep the friendship alive? This ought to be interesting.... I wonder too, what is considered a "friend" to a man who has a "friend" who is female? My definition of friend is not sombody that I may talk with either at work or at a specific group or function. I "friend" to me is someone with whom I discuss intimate details of my life in confidence, and I know it will go no further, and I could call this person on the phone at any time, day or night, or go to their home just the same, and they wouldn't mind and it is just understood because the friendship is mutual. It also has to go both ways, and it continues on a regular basis. Not just every once in awhile. I could also ask this person for anything and know that they would be there for me. That's what I consider a friend. Anyone else I classify as an acquaintance...... Please, more viewpoints!
  13. You feel that way because that's all you've known for the last few years. Remember no one likes change, it's just because it's unfamiliar, that's all it is!!!! Don't let the disease of dysfunction (the thoughts that you NEED someone else) get in the way of your recovery. Tell that voice to shut up and keep thinking positively, and get mad at him if you have to, to get through this. You're doing wonderfully. Keep going!!!!
  14. I don't know if this has been discussed properly and I couldn't find it if it was, and I know others in the forum were interested in talking about this. Like in the movie When Harry Met Sally, I wish to discuss the topic that Can men and women can really be just "friends" or does one of them inevitably HAVE to have a sexual attraction to the other? My opinion is that women can definitely have male friends that they are not sexually attracted to, (I have been friends with guys and I swear I really, really don't ever want to have sex with them) and I find that they are just funny or smart or whatever, and I enjoy their company, just as I would another female with the same attributes. But I find it difficult to believe that any man would want to INSTIGATE a plutonic friendship with a girl that they were not sexually interested in, because of their genetic makeup. Please tell me, guys, if this is not correct!!! I am curious to know if any guys out there have ever INSTIGATED a friendship with a female that they would not ever have sex with in a million years. I don't think it counts as a male/female friendship for a guy if the girl instigated the relationship.......The reason I use the key word "instigate" is because I've never known a man to be friends with a girl they wouldn't want to get in the sack with..... Please comment!
  15. I have been through it a few times and the first time it helped me individually as a person to get to know myself better and WHY things weren't working. We did end up splitting but he had already cheated so go figure. It did help me tremendously though, even though it didn't help that particular relationship, it helped my future ones. The second time, we are still reaping the rewards and we are still together. It makes a HUGE difference if you get a good counselor too, they are all different, use different techniques, and some are definitely better than others. My advice is for him to first decide if he can talk to a male or a female more openly about all of his secrets. Then make an appointment with a person of that gender. Go to one visit with them, and if it just doesn't feel right, try someone else until he finds the best fit. I would never discount the advice of going to counseling, it DOES help and it will help if he finds a good one. I hope he can mend things with his wife.
  16. I too, agree that no contact on your behalf is the best route here. He has not contacted you and that does not look very promising for things right now, unfortunately. Don't contact him cause you'll regret it and all the hard work of not contacting him so far will be out the window. He'll know you're still thinking of him. It sounds like he broke up with you, correct? Yes, he is young, but so are you. Why not play the field and see what else is out there? I KNOW that it seems he is the only guy on the earth but he's NOT. There are millions of guys out there who will treat you like a queen. Give them the chance. You'll see. Good luck...
  17. Hey girl, Glad to hear you're still hanging in there. It sounds like you are beginning to accept reality for what it is, and that is the best way to recovery. You sound so much better than you did before. Sometimes people say not to snoop, etc., and you might wish you hadn't now, however, doesn't it help you heal though? It helps the anger part of you override the sadness, anyway. True, it was an invasion of his privacy and yes, the things he said may have sounded very harsh and uncaring to you. But now that you know, do you REALLY wish you hadn't looked, or are you glad you know what you do? Sometimes just knowing certain things like that can help you through things like this. I think you found out for a reason, and that reason is to help you heal. I believe that whenever the "dumpee" obtains knowledge such as this, it is good because it helps you see what he isn't telling you. Yeah, shame on you for snooping, but so what, he should have changed his passwords just for security after the breakup anyway. (can you tell I'm on your side?! ha ha ) Try to commit to a fitness program to help boost your energy and self confidence, I think you're on the right track there for sure. Please keep us posted and continue to hold your head up. 8)
  18. Most guys are the same way.... if a girl is too "easy" they lose interest rather quickly. It's the same for women.... I think. A mutual way to look at it is that you must make that person earn their respect for you, not by belittling them or necessarily playing hard to get, but making them aware that you are worthy of being respected. By that, I mean, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you run and jump every time a girl calls, she's going to get bored because she's going to think you're desperate and it will make her head bigger cause she'll think she's "out of your league". Respect is very under-rated, in my opinion. Anyone who commands respect without putting others down, of course, will benefit not only by acquiring a lot of good friends, but it will also build their own self esteem. How to do this?...... Don't be a doormat. Don't allow people to push you around or mold you to what they want or like. Be responsive and respectful to them and their comments and wishes, but don't necessarily follow their every lead. Show them that you have a mind of your own and that you have things to do, whether they're around or not. This is intriguing. Even if you don't have anything to do, make them think that you do and follow up with it with action. Don't lie, don't put others down, and don't talk about other people in a negative way to try to look cool. Try to remain neutral in conversations if something comes up about someone you know. Don't be a follower, and you don't even have to be a leader, just don't be a scapegoat or someone that everybody walks on. The more you are around people and exhibit these traits, the more they will respect you and know that you are worthy of their respect, and they will try to impress YOU. This not only goes for romantic relationships but also for friendships. Just my opinion.
  19. Greetings. I wouldn't say that they ALWAYS call, I'm not sure where you heard that... I think it depends upon a lot of things: how long you were a serious couple, your ages, the circumstances of the breakup, and the geographical locations of both of you. If a couple was on the verge of marriage or already married and they split up, then it's highly more likely that contact would be initiated after a breakup than if the couple just dated for a few months. I think a lot of couples never have the all-important "Where does our relationship stand" talks, and this leads to a lot of confusion when one breaks it off. One partner may be madly in love with the other and thinks the other one feels the same, only to find out in a week that their partner is avoiding them like the plague. When in all actuality, the partner who broke it off never intended for things to get that far, cause they knew they weren't ready for that. So my point is that communication while in the relationship is vital, and should never be underestimated. You should always weigh the odds of talking to him/her about how you feel, as opposed to what might happen if you don't. I know none of that probably helps you now, and I'm sorry. But sometimes the lesson learned from the problem/speedbump in life is more valuable than what you had in the first place. I hope you both can stop thinking about your ex's (worrying/wondering is the biggest waste of time, we've all been there....) and find new challenges and goals in your life. Work on your self esteem and spirituality and everything else falls into place. Good luck!
  20. Greetings. Kind of a sticky situation, I agree. I feel the same way you do about religion, so I can definitely relate. I don't believe that one "religion" knows it all, and that really, our spirituality is already inside of us, we just should learn how to use what we already have, and that most of the teaching is backwards, meaning that it tells us that we somehow have to "earn" eternal life by doing everything "right". I think we are supposed to just experience being human and that we're already spiritual beings. Anyway, enough of what I think about that topic. While it's understandable that your b/f had a life altering event that changed his perception of life and what he feels his purpose here is, I don't feel that has anything to do with you. I think he needs to separate that from his relationship with you out of respect for your own individuality and your path in this lifetime. We tend to feel uncomfortable talking about religion with others because no one quite believes the same things, and for good reason - Good God, there are millions of books that have been interpreted by a thousand different people and faiths, who knows what is real???? I feel that religion is the biggest source and reason for world wars and conflict since the beginning of time. Of course you cannot control him, so you can only control yourself and how you react to his recent "preaching". I suspect some of his persistence will die down after time passes, too. I think you should hear him out for a few sessions then make your conclusion on whether you wish to share the same viewpoints as he does. But definitely don't feel like you have to, or like you're "letting him down" or not being understanding.... religion is like love, you can be lead to it, you can be around it, but you can't make your heart believe it unless it really wants to. It's not going to listen. I think it is very difficult to have vastly different religions and be very close to someone, but you don't have that problem, you're already classifying yourself as the same religion so I'd say that in the end, unless he is going all self-righteous, you two should be fine as long as the respect is there for one another's opinions. Finally, if he shuts you out because of your own beliefs then you might want to question if he is really practicing any real religion at all, and not just getting caught up in the image of appearing to be devout.
  21. Actually a woman is "usually" safe for about 7 or 8 days after her period ends, because the whole cycle doesn't start over again until then. Don't worry, and besides, worrying won't stop it if it's already happened. But if you show your girl that you're worried, she'll be worried, and this definitely could cause her to be late. Nerves can cause a girl to be late on her period, or even miss a period. So keep yourself calm and keep her calm to avoid that happening and then you'll find out the truth sooner. Next time be more careful... not only for pregnancy reasons but for STD reasons. Sometimes there are no symptoms of STD's.
  22. Greetings. It sounds like you're about to embark on quite the adventure, that which is dating. Frequency depends on how often a person is subjected to the public, I think. I get hit on daily and even though I'm married, I am subjected to the public for most of the week. None of this is invited, it just happens. Whether it be going to the gas station, going to the grocery store, restaurants, running errands, or out and about anywhere at night or on weekends. Methods have ranged from them staring intently, to saying such things as "Mercy", "Whoa", "Helllllllooooo!", whistles, etc., and some actually come up to me and say, "Can I buy that for you", "You are beautiful", etc., etc. None of this is important, though, because the majority of the guys that do this to me probably do this to all the girls. I think you should hit on a girl whom you find appealing in any way that you desire. Whether that be looks, smile, or personality. I think a lot of guys hit on a lot of girls when they think that sooner or later they'll score, and they weigh their odds that way. IF I WERE SINGLE, To me, a classy way to hit on a girl would be to smile first, a small wave or something like that, and if the response from the girl is favorable, then later come up and start up a conversation with the simple words "Hello, I'm _______, would you like to talk?". After all, it's simple, straight, and it's not some corny line. Refrain from making comments about her body parts or even her eyes, those are way over-used. And don't tell her that she's the prettiest girl in the whole place, either. I can't think of all the silly ones I've heard but they just scream "I've told this to a bunch of girls". Be original and treat her with respect, not like a piece of meat and you should be fine. Good luck!
  23. I agree with Ash. Give it some more time. I think the fact that you are ready to bear this man's child does not mean anything bad. I certainly wouldn't want to have a man's child unless I felt that he really loved me. I had my son very young and never wanted any more children until I met my current husband. I actually considered having another child with him, even though it would put 17 years between the new baby and my son. I think it was an extension of my love for him, and it is for you, and the willingness and natural instincts of wanting to love your man in every way possible. We are mammals and that is a fact. It is purely natural to want to bear the child of the mate of your choosing. Do what Ash said... love him for right now and kids will come later when you both are ready. good luck!
  24. Greetings. I know some of what you're going through but was lucky enough to escape a lot of physical abuse. I know the embarrassment, the fear of going home, just hearing his footsteps, etc. and listening to his drunken speeches and the forcing of his opinions upon you. I am a grown adult now but my dad was an alcoholic too. I think in your situation that you definitely need to seek help from your school or clergyperson (any church). Neither of your parents are a good alternative at this point. In today's world I would find it hard to believe that your school or local church would ignore you. You might look in the yellow pages under crisis centers or abuse hotlines. At this point in time, you can't worry or be afraid about what your parents will do or anything as a result of your getting help because, after all, consider the alternative, which is that you keep going home to your dad or you move in with your mom only to be subjected to a different kind of less than desirable role model. I wish you luck and please do something TODAY.
  25. Anyway, I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I am a little unclear on whether or not he has told you how HE really feels about you, and the arranged union with the other girl. If he still really wants to be with you, then I'm all for running off with him to a place where you can be together, but of course I am not bound by your customs. I think you should do whatever feels right in your heart. You sound like you have a strong love for this man and all you can do is let him know how much you love him. I wish you well.
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