Princess777

Please let us know what happens!!!! I hope there is a perfectly good explanation but I fear there is not.

Wow, I see your point, but STILL she is YOUR friend!!!! Wouldn't you want to know? Just try it like I said earlier, just be casual about it and act like she already knew, but that you're being her true friend. Actually if you don't hurry up and tell her and she finds out that you know you'll really feel bad..... please tell her!!!!! Why would you NOT tell her, to protect yourself? Friends have moral obligations to each other to tell each other the truth. If you care about her you will tell her, and just find out what the deal is. If he was holding her hand and quit when you saw her, I'd say he's most likely up to no good, that does not sound good at ALL and I am so sorry for your friend. But you should not revolve this around YOU because it really has to do with your friend and her husband, don't turn the guilt around onto you, you're just the messenger.... she's not going to be mad at you for telling her!!!! She will be thankful that you are looking out for her. I know if my best friend saw that she would not hesitate to call me and we would just get through it together. It's time for you to be there for your friend, whether her marriage falls apart or not.

When people fall for unavailable people, they are having problems with personal boundaries and self esteem. Letting go of unavailable people is hard for them, whereas some other people would never even allow it to happen in the first place because of their personal boundaries. If anyone sees themselves getting into a pattern like this, it is because they want to be "chosen" over someone else or for a compelling reason, to make them feel worthy of that person's attention and to make them feel better. There are a lot of books/articles out there to help people let go of unavailable people..... I hope those that are experiencing this can benefit from them.

Greetings. I had to respond to this. Let me get this straight: 1) You're married at 37 and you have 2 kids. 2) You have deep and meaningful conversations with a 23 year old. (deep and meaningful to whom?.... How? Why? About what? HER?) You have 14 years on her and have all of those years of experience under your belt that she has no idea about. Secondly, why don't you have those conversations with your wife? 3) (and this one is a speculation)... You spend more time with this woman than you do with your wife and kids, probably combined. Well this is an easy one. She's stroking your ego, you're feeling stroked, and you're tempted to ditch your family for her so you'll always be seen as Mr. Hero, every man's dream (until they get bored of being "daddy" and want a real partner. After all, if you wanted another kid, just have one. And if you want to help underprivileged people there are always places taking volunteers for things like that. But once you go too far one night, you're going to regret it all because you'll have lost everything that really matters to you and this 23 year old will have shacked up with a new guy, laughing at you because she has played you. She is saying those "hintful" things because she wants to see if she CAN get you to leave your wife, and then she's going to tell you that SHE doesn't want you either. Don't you see it? It's all a game. She's playing the VICTIM to gain your sympathy, money, gifts, or whatever you're providing her with. Look at her history. Not a good track record. This person has no self confidence because she allows herself to be portrayed as a victim, whether she was or wasn't. I doubt that much that she says is true, like another poster said, she's using you. The woman deserves an Emmy for her performance. Someone who is up to no good is the only person who would tell someone that they should leave their wife because they can see that you're unhappy and then turn around and describe their perfect partner, which HAPPENS to describe YOU. Geez, it's like she's 12 or something. I really think YOUR self esteem is very low right now and you are finding comfort in this girl because you can be her knight in shining armour. But you WON'T be because as soon as you ruin things with your wife/family, she will ditch you so quick you won't even be able to blink. She's doing this because she CAN. And you're allowing it. I wonder what your wife thinks of all this. Perhaps she is thinking of leaving you because you spend so much time with this other woman. How would that make you feel? I truly hope you can see what you are doing needs to be corrected. As someone else said, you are already cheating, emotionally. Please end it before it all blows up in your face. Sorry to sound harsh but I absolutely HATE to see people have any kind of extramarital affairs.... it is such a mistake and is never worth it.

Greetings. In this particular case, I agree with "if only". If she is truly your best friend, would you really need to ask whether you should say something? Not to mention they are married, they're not just dating so this is something that you have a moral obligation to tell her, in my opinion. Wouldn't you want her to tell you, even if it was innocent? And it might be, but surely she'll appreciate your input. There are tactful ways to say something like that. Like "ifonly" mentioned, say something like "I was at such and such club the other night and I saw your husband". Then see what she says, she might say "yeah, he took his sister out, yada yada yada." But if she looks at you like she saw a ghost then you'll need to spill the details. After all, if she can't count on you to tell her things like this, who can she count on? If she acts like oh well and doesn't really ask any questions then just say, "Who was that girl he was with?" but not in an accusatory manner so she doesn't think that you're jumping to conclusions. The conversation should flow from there. The point is that you need to tell her because you are HER friend, not so much HIS, and no matter what you should tell your friend things like this, even if it is innocent OR infidelity.

Greetings. I understand that you are frustrated about what the "right" thing to do is when it comes to the females in your life, and you feel like your ex is using you for sex. Number one, the situation with the married woman, just forget ALL about that. You do NOT want to go down that road. It will only lead to heartache for many people, not just yourself. Stay out of her way and only deal with her when it comes to your daughter. You have nothing to gain by starting up again with her, and you have a LOT to lose. As for your current ex, I would not have sex with her anymore if I were you. You are degrading yourself and she is having her cake and eating it too. I know that when she looks at you and she says the right things and the desire is there and it's so easy to just give in, but you've really got to take control because you are putting your energy into a situation that is not productive for you. It is dysfunctional and you will be sad as long as it continues because your inner self knows that you are debilitating your self worth. Tell her that the only reason you need to see or speak to her is about your child. And then I would start working on yourself. Join a gym, take up new classes of interest, make new friends, go to new and different places, and concentrate on you and taking care of your kids. As long as you keep giving your self and your energy to non-productive relationships you will always feel empty because no one is returning the love you're giving. Learn to love yourself more and then you will be able to meet someone new who will reciprocate what you are able to give them.

Clarification: My perception of the difference between men's and women's approach to hooking up after a breakup are merely my own experiences..... I wasn't labelling anyone or any gender..... I hope no one takes offense, and certainly there are many men out there who don't sleep around and there are women who sleep around, but I was making a generalization......

I think something else to think about here is not so much that the breakup was "easy" for him because of his current actions of "hooking up".... men don't hook up for the same reasons we do, as a general rule... they do it for their egos. They've got to have their ego stroked so they know they've still got "it".... and show all their friends, etc. Whereas women aren't usually so concerned with that aspect, but are looking for a mate to share things with and be intimate with. That's why it hurts so much when a man we love spends time with another woman, because we picture him doing the things he did with us, with her. I really doubt that he is sharing many feelings/concerns/things with this woman or women. He is not ready for that. It's more of a goal for him to "score" so he feels better about himself. He probably couldn't care less about her feelings. You can't compare his actions to yours, it doesn't work and you'll drive yourself crazy thinking he doesn't care about you. Remember that usually men view things totally different than you. Also, remember that no girl is going to just pick up where you left off, it doesn't work that way.... you have history with him, they have nothing and have to start from scratch. Look how long it took for you to get what you had with him. It doesn't work that much faster, if any, for anyone else. I continue to pray for you Foz and I hope your pain continues to subside. I know that some days are better than others. Come here and talk with us anytime!

Ironically, my dad was an alcoholic and always left and went out drinking without my mom (my mom doesn't drink) and they rarely did ANYTHING together. I didn't understand it and vowed I'd never allow my marriage to come to that. That's probably why I feel the way I feel. I know that he will look back one day and regret his actions. I know that a good balance of both is probably the best way to go, but it's just letting go enough to allow that to happen is what is excruciating to me. It's why I fear it when the subject comes up of him doing something without me. My parents ruined me in that aspect.... Plus I've been cheated on several times, once after 10 years of marriage to a man who didn't fit the cheater profile at ALL. Everyone was aghast when it happened, including me. I think the childhood pain of seeing my mom lonely and sad all the time plus the cheating really did a number on me. It's so hard to change. I really, really wish I could.

I think it all comes down to whether or not you would act this way if your significant other was standing right next to you as you did it. Ask yourself this each time you get ready to say or do something around another member of the opposite sex and it will probably curb most of it. Also, would you like for your significant other to say/do the things you do, with others, when you're not around? The answers to these questions always make these sort of questions clear to me, anyway. It kind of puts it in a different perspective.

I am rather against it because I had a bad experience, however everyone is different. I believe that there is just about no way they would have anything in common and the timing would be all wrong for certain milestones: marriage, children, college, careers, etc. I just don't see how these relationships work. The biggest age gap I've personally experienced was 5 years, and it was way too much for me. I ended up being his mother and it drained me because he didn't know anything about life. If I wanted another kid I'd just have one, is the way I looked at it. He just wasn't on the same path as me, and it really put a strain on us and eventually it ended because I was worn out from taking care of him and showing him the ropes at everything. I didn't feel like I had a partner in life, but rather another dependent. I needed someone who could return what I was giving to him. To support me better emotionally, not so much financially, but to have the drive to succeed and be a good provider. If you get involved in a relationship like that, I would think the older person would need to have nerves of steel and be a really patient person. I also don't really understand why anyone older would be interested in being with anyone so much younger because I always thought that your partner should compliment you personally and emotionally, by being able to understand where you're coming from with your feelings, and how would they be able to do that if they haven't even been where you have yet? Different strokes for different folks I guess

Yes, I think it has something to do with the fact that I possess an idealistic way of thinking, which, I've discovered, more specifically is less than 3% of the population. Wonder if that 3% could ever get together....? 8) What are the odds... ha ha Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one, and that others don't really condemn it but rather understand it. I think it has a lot to do with the way we were raised, too.

When I was in school some guy sat behind me in study hall and he pulled my hair every day. This was in high school, he was a senior! I thought he really hated me, but come to find out years later, he liked me. I just never gave it a chance or pursued it. Yes I think he likes you. Just ask him questions if you find yourself feeling nervous around him. Keep the focus on him talking.

Just be honest with her. Tell her that what you have with her is a friendship and it will never be anything more. Tell her you're being honest with her because you don't want to lead her on and you respect her enough to tell her the truth. If she is mature enough she will understand. If she still bugs you with romantic suggestions, you might want to be a little more firm with her. Look her in the eye when you tell her. She'll get the message. I don't think there is any such thing as commitment phobic. I think that when you meet the right one, you won't be able to stop yourself from committing. That's what real love is to me, anyway. Everyone else in between and before the commitment are the ones who aren't a good match for you.

I agree, and I hate that. I'd give nearly anything to stop caring so much and to stop taking everything personally.

So do you think I'm with the wrong person when they tell me that they do not think like I do when it comes to this issue? I'm not sure this is something that I can overcome. How can someone just stop feeling the desire of closeness that I do? It seems that every time I start to really trust someone and get really close to them, they pull out some crap like this and it just makes me lose faith in finding what I really want, and my brick wall goes back up. It takes me a LONG time to trust anyone, and as soon as I start to think that "yeah, this person is trustworthy, they're not going to hurt me, etc.", they pull this rabbit out of their hat and say "you're not enough for me". At least that's what I hear. Maybe I'm with the wrong person. The rejection is killing me. Just when I thought things were looking up.

I'm glad that you realize that you are the one who can control how you react, and that asking him to change them would be so embarrassing, that you wouldn't dream of it because then he'd know you had already looked. I was trying to get you to see that if you had to ask him to do that, then that would mean admitting that you couldn't control yourself. Now that you see that you can control yourself, please try to do so. Believe me I know it's hard. If I just lost my significant other I'd be doing the same thing, as would nearly everyone else if they COULD. Most of us don't have the opportunity so we only have to worry what they're doing. You can see first hand what he's doing and he has no idea. I think this should help you recover, moreso than making you hold out for him. It's hard to say how I would feel/react since I am not in your shoes but I know I would lose trust in him, should any resolve happen in the future.. it would be difficult to trust in him again. Be thankful that he broke up with you first and didn't do this stuff prior. He was honest with you, so give him that. I think sometimes in life we get handed the crap platter because we have to be reminded that in order to appreciate things you have to experience the dark side of things before you can see the light. The balance is what's hard to keep going.

Foz I am really sorry for you. Please stop reading his emails, or, it might sound extreme but another alternative is to email him and tell him to change his passwords cause you still know them. That'll make him change them really quick and you won't have the option to look anymore and put yourself through a living hell. You need to stop doing this to yourself. Take what you already know, and swallow it. It doesn't mean you have to accept it, just know that there's nothing you can do about it. Know that the facts exist and no matter how much Foz cries and feels crappy, it's not going to change him. Get mad, call him every name in the book, and try to pick yourself up from this mess. Reading more of his personal stuff is not going to bring you back together because even if he came knocking right now, you wouldn't trust him ever again. You're too loving and devoted for that, and you deserve the same in return, I can tell.

I'm wondering lately if I am a total oddball, and if anyone thinks like I do regarding relationships. My relationship with my husband has always been my number one priority, for as long as I can remember. I know I shouldn't expect too much so I'm not disappointed, and put so much faith in a person, and I should love myself first, yada yada yada... but the way I feel is, when I go to my grave, I don't ever picture myself saying "Man I wish I'd spent more time with my friends, or at work." I want to know that I gave the most important person in my life 100%, and I want someone to do the same for me. That's why my most prized personal goal is to find a person who treasures me in the same WAY I treasure them. But it always ends up the same way: I'm not enough for anyone. They always say they want to have more friends, do other things without me, etc., like I'm smothering them. I wonder if there are any guys out there who LIKE to be around only ONE person like I do. I only have one true friend, other than my partner. But I don't tell her things like I used to. Everyone else I meet always has an ulterior motive or they get drunk or high all the time and I don't surround myself with these people because I do not want to be like them. I have a hard time with wasting time. Who is to say that it is WRONG to only want one person in your life? Every time I try to make new friends, they stab me in the back and cannot be trusted. I don't want any new friends. I only want to live my life with my husband and that's it. Is that so wrong? No one, including counseling, has ever been able to help me with this. It's just how I think. Does anyone else think the same way or should I just give up on having a relationship? I don't know if I want to change to "fit" into society's idea of a relationship which is defined as "more rounded" with more friends and activities, etc. That's just not me.

I would walk up to him with the tape nonchalantly, and play dumb and just say, "Baby, what is this?" You'll find out really quick if he's honest with you.

Sounds like some pretty spoiled canines to me!!! They're lucky!

Hmmm... well, to be honest, 2-6 times a month is not any guy's idea of enough sex. At least none that I've been with. I think the average is at least 4 times a week, at least that's what I consider healthy in my marriage. Most men would take it every day if they could get it. But sometimes our lives just don't allow that and time does not permit. I can see why he is doing what he's doing, just be glad he's not cheating (hopefully he's not). I suggest some couples counseling/sex therapy. His obsession with porn is rather blatant around you instead of being discreet, which is probably detrimental to your self esteem. What you want is for him to desire YOU, not anyone else, whether they be real or on the TV screen or computer screen. If that is your real goal, you need to get on the ball and get some new lingerie, some sex toys, and spice up your sex life and quick before he gets so bored he does cheat. If you don't have the chemistry with him then you might want to weigh your options of staying with him. Good luck!

Hey Scout, Yes it definitely depends on the guy. I personally am a cat person, and could deal with cat hair a lot easier than dog hair because dog hair smells and cat hair doesn't, at least from what I have experienced. We solved our dog hair problem by putting the dogs outside. You can get really nice kennels and doghouses so they don't get cold (not sure what your climate is). Now just my kitty gets the run of the house, and he doesn't shed much at all. I'd definitely say you need to find a dog lover though cause yes, it could definitely be a turnoff for certain people.

Well I don't believe in the "eye for an eye" aspect, and I dont think that it would be noble in any way if he took you back, then turned around and did the same thing to you. That only makes things twice as bad. I do not know if he will forgive you but at this point your hands are tied. Try to get him to go to marriage counseling and QUICKLY. (Obviously after the initial shock wears off). Maybe if he sees that you actually made the appointment to go and asked him to go with you, he'll see that you are truly sorry. My question is, why do you feel like you can't live without him after you cheated? How did you feel before you cheated? Did you realize that he's not such a bad guy? What did he do that was so horrible that caused you to cheat? What were you thinking when you cheated? Did you think he'd never find out or that you'd never have a conscience? Why, all of a sudden, is he so precious to you? I do not kow if you can repair the damage, and even if you do it will take a hell of a man to take you back and not feel destroyed.... I commend anyone who can make it through infidelity in a marriage. I honestly couldn't even give my man the time of day if I knew for a fact that he had sex with anyone other than me. I'd be at the courthouse quicker than he could blink, getting a divorce. It will be a rough time ahead for you. I am glad that you feel badly and that you are sorry. Hopefully your new feelings will carry you to a better tomorrow, one of no more cheating, with him or with anyone new.

Yes, I agree. Sooner or later the husband is going to snap and beat up the boyfriend! This is sad, and I can only imagine how horrible it is to watch. Sometimes we have to let people hang themselves so they can learn. In this case, just stand by patiently and watch the rope tighten.